To say the sun shines on every dog’s arse would not do justice to what happened at KenWo GC Saturday morning as KWGA outcast John “The Sheriff” Amirault laid waste to the field, clawing his way to his first career victory with a stunning 78 (-5). The Sheriff shot out of the gates like diarrhea after a bucket of the Colonel’s Finest. finessing the first 6 holes in just one over par. The outburst included a “Birdie from Jesus” on Hole #3 and subsequent “Joke from Hell” on the 4th tee box. The Sheriff then rattled off 5 straight pars starting on Hole #11 giving him a lead only a Yarmouth dock-hand could piss away. “Today feels like vindication on so many levels. I have been belittled, brow-beaten and generally treated like a crazy aunt locked in the basement.” said The Sheriff. “So to win a tournament with the word CRAZY in its title is sweet irony. I can’t tell you how many bottles of the Captains nectar I tossed back behind delapitated houses and dockyards in my youth in Yarmouth. This is golfing heaven.”

The day was not without drama as Barry Bannister-Hennigar and Gerry Double-Double Elliott waged  their own personal “sword fight” for second place. Double-Double, invigorated by his new weapon, a 2 handicap, found 15 of the first 16 greens in regulation and ho-hummed his way to a 71 (-1). His card registered nary a birdie forcing Double-Double to use his Irving credit card for gas for his long trek back to Windsor for the first time in 37 KWGA Saturdays. For Bannister-Hennigar, his day was spearheaded by a solid overall approach which meant avoiding playing partner “The Donald’s” incessant screams of “Oh Donald!.” and Commissioner Ford’s Sphincter Trumpet. “It was a tough day out there for me personally.” said Bannister-Hennigar. “My group certainly has its quirks and managing those kinds of surroundings takes the patience of Job. I was expecting the most trouble from “Waldo” but I think he left his voice on the veranda Friday night. I am happy with the start to my season. I wasn’t expecting this right out of the gates. Let’s just hope my wife doesn’t see this website…lest she shut me down for the rest of the season.”

Saturday’s fireworks included 6 birdies in the Thomson (3), Murray (2), Hennigar (1), Bryson (0) foursome including The Commissioner’s back-to-back jobs at Holes #6 and #7. Ole Man River Arnie Telley-Kelley also electrified the gallery with 2 birdies on the day, which included a 7 iron to two feet on the 18th that netted him “Play of the Day.” All told, 10 birdies and 9 rangs were had on the day. “I think it shows just how competitive and skilled our roster is.” said Commissioner Ford. “I think it’s obvious that everyone knew they couldn’t just ease into the season. You can tell many hours have been spent over the winter honing games…and not resorting to David Pelz putting gimmicks. Some calm conditions and a rapidly improving landscape also play a part…I mean, can you see The Sheriff winning in a wind blowing harder than a dog fart? Exactly.

“What’s Wrong With Grampy?”

Saturday also saw another sub-par round from the KWGA’s Grand Pappy, a head-scratching 83 (+8) that has many in the KWGA whispering that maybe the game has passed him by? The Saturday Stinker plummeted Grampy to a distant 16th in the FEDEX Cup Standings with just 7 points. The obvious theory is his new state of the art putting stroke, chiseled from the fossils of dead golfers. However, others point to a rift in his “Three’s Company” relationship outside the course. The late withdrawal this week of KWGA Chum-buddy The Hunchback fueled even more speculation. The rumours forced Grampy to finally address the media via conference call from his UIS Rolling Stabbin’ Cabin. “Listen, you can say what you want. Golf is a difficult game and right now I am having more problems than putting. There is no rift. Everything is fine…I know it may seem awkward to the outside eye….but it’s nothing 2 engagement rings can’t fix OK?”

Rookie Update

Nick Waszczuk-Carey– In a KWGA first, Nick Waszczuk-Carey became the first member ever to go from 1st to last in consecutive weeks. After a scintillating 89 (-1) at The Flower Cart Classic in the opener, the Marlin Man did his best Michael Jackson impersonation “Beating It” around Saturday to the tune of 98 whacks (+9). “I think it was my outfit today. It was a bit loud and maybe a bit snug on the inseam. I figured if it worked for Rickie Fowler it would work for me.” said Waszczuk-Carey. “Next Saturday I may wear a bed sheet for comfort.”

Scott “Air Bud” Woodworth– Another nature lover, Air Bud has gotten off to a slow start on the KWGA Tour, finally getting on the board Saturday with 4.5 points. The avid canoeist is slowly acclimating to a new style of play, battling some personal golf demons and last but not least, realizing why “Different is Normal” is emblazoned on the KWGA logo. “I knew there were some weirdos in the KWGA but this is ridiculous.” said Air Bud. “But they don’t hand out freebies to shoppers at WalMart and FEDEX Cups aren’t handed out in May the last time I checked. There is still plenty of golf left.”

Kevin “Mr. Wildcat” Poirier– Perhaps no rookie has ever entered the KWGA with as much experience on the soil that is KenWo. However, after several years away and littering aplenty, Poirier has had a tepid start to the season currently sitting in 14th place with 11.5 points in the race for the FEDEX Cup. “I know this sounds crazy, but I think it’s time I secured a residence in The Valley again. You know, just a place I can crash so that I can hit 300 balls a day. I was going to ask about JB’s asbestos trap at the end of the driving range, alas, they tore it down on me.”

KWGA Tip of the Week

The weather has started to turn warm and that means the inevitable gentlemen…moisture. The question this week is, just how do you deal with that most uncomfortable job of disposing of post-round undergarments? After all, the quickest way to get our league shut down is if the wives/girlfriends/boyfriends are not happy. And just how do we avoid that? By taking care of those undergarments ourselves. No more leaving them on the washroom floor, kicking them at the hamper or God forbid handling them. No fellas, the answer is simple…TONGS. Yes, that’s right boys, not thongs…but TONGS. Placing that beloved BBQ tool in some Javex bleech before you leave for the course can save you a tremendous headache. For an even better experience, Dry Ice gives you the option or pre-cleaning even before those trouser dagos hit the spin cycle.

News, Notes & Quotes

–“Road Trip Weekend”– From the response after Saturday’s round, most liked half of Wayne’s suggestion for our KWGA Road Trip on Saturday May 30. That being, gathering at Wayne’s house following the round. However, I gathered that Minas View Links in Walton wasn’t a hit. Last year we went to Avon Valley. I will post a poll on the website this week and everyone can chime in. Keep in mind it would be better if we played at a course near Windsor so we don’t have a long drive following the round.

-Kudos to The Shark and Fogg this week for making their 8:09am tee time when all seemed bleak. The duo took home the “Jeff Legge” Late Night Libation Award this week in a landslide as they stayed up late to watch the Golden State Warriors defeat the Memphis Grizzlies game on TV while in Halifax….OK, I’m lying….what was it fellas, a Brewery Tour or a George Michael concert at the Halifax Forum?

-“Hey Doug, are ya layin’ up? (Enter laughing and snickering here)” ~Rod Murray….Murray’s dig at Irwin came as the two groups criss-crossed the 16th and 17th holes Saturday afternoon. Faced with a daunting 30 foot cut shot from 242 yards away from the right rough, Irwin fearlessly reached for his trusty 3 wood and hit a thunderous 30 foot cut around the right tree line into the gully fronting the 16th green. Irwin’s forceful and steady gait following the shot reminded us all that The 4th Reich isn’t to be messed with…or he had to pee really badly and just wanted to find a quiet spot in the woods.

That’s it for this week fellas. Remember to sign up early for next Saturday’s Skoal Bandits Shootout…and VOLUNTEER TO BOOK A TEE TIME…we need all the help we can get.

~The Commissioner