As legendary defense lawyer Johnnie Cochrane once boasted, “If it doesn’t fit…you must acquit.” For most of the 2015 season, that statement rang true of Mr. Wildcat KK Poirier’s golf game, but on Saturday afternoon it only rang true about his championship t-shirt. Mr. Wildcat was able to hold off spirited performances from Where’s Waldo-Murray and the man clad in fuchsia, Mark The Shark, to win the 2015 KWGA Canadian Open by one-stroke. The win was Mr. Wildcat’s first career victory after a season of grinding in obscurity on the KWGA landscape and vindication that big hitters come in all shapes and sizes. Mr. Wildcat’s outward nine included 4 birdies and 2 double-bogies which was good for a 39 and a 4 shot lead over The Shark and 5 shot lead over Waldo-Murray. After bogeys at #10, #11, #12 and #13 and a double-bogey at #16, Mr. Wildcat fell one stroke behind Waldo-Murray but was able to right the ship just in time with pars at both #17 and #18 to find the winners circle. “This is a tremendous honour.” said an elated Mr. Wildcat. “This season has been a soul-searching expedition. Golf confidence is a fluid entity and there were days I wondered why I made the hour trek from the city every Saturday morning. Today is homage to sticking with it and being a scrapper, something I have had to do all my life at my height. All I need now is for The Commissioner to shrink my championship tie dye and all will be right in the world again.”

Poirier’s win also puts him right back in the hunt in the FEDEX Cup, vaulting him from 16th to 12th, just 17.5 points out of a playoff spot. A win next week, and who knows, 1985 may happen all over again. “We weren’t supposed to do anything that year but we watched Villanova stun Georgetown in ’85, so why not us?’ said Mr. Wildcat. “That’s my mindset now heading into the last 2 weeks of this regular season …why not me?”

For Waldo-Murray, driving himself and getting to the golf course on time was victory in itself Saturday (after finally being cut off the umbilical cord by Harold), however, the Romo Man Crusher wasn’t satisfied with just another appearance. Hearkening back and employing his rally cap as early as the 6th hole, Waldo-Murray created a buzz of excitement throughout the hallowed KenWo grounds. His bogey at #17 ultimately cost him a major championship but seemed to win him some fans back, fans that had seemingly left Where’s Waldo Island many moons ago. Waldo-Murray now occupies the last playoff spot in the race for the FEDEX playoffs. “It’s fun when you are in the hunt. I have played Washington Generals for too long in the KWGA and now I have a chance to do something special.” said Waldo-Murray. “Clarity is a wonderful thing on the golf course. When you are happy at home, have clean underwear to play in on Saturday’s and Fisherman’s Friend lozenges to spare, anything can happen. The last few weeks will be fun. Don’t count me out…ever.”

The Shark may not have won Saturday but some adoring Flyer fans are still in his corner.”We love and miss you Sharkie! You can do it buddy” ~The Sharkettes

The day’s events would not be completely reported without a statement from The Shark. A man that has gotten hot at the right time and dominated the last 2 majors in both style and grace. In the featured group Saturday with fellow major winner in 2015, Nick Levy, the pressure was squarely on The Shark heading into the round. “I felt it out there today for sure.” said The Shark. “Not many know how I deal with major championship pressure. It starts with icy-hot patches lining my drawers, just to keep the engine room at a comfortable temperature ya know? Having a wife and child that will wait in the parking lot for me for an hour after the round, without having a conniption fit also helps. It frees my mind a lot. They know what this means to me. I am very happy for my old diamond buddy KK today though. We kinda turned a double-play on tour this season with both of us winning a major. We aren’t quite Tinkers to Evers to Chance…but we are a hell of a lot closer to it than we used to be. Let’s get these playoffs started…If my Philadelphia Flyers can’t do it, it’s up to me!”

My Journey…My Technology

By Kevin N.

Not many know this about me. I know your perception of me is one of calm and control but that’s not really the truth. I started my journey with Asteroids on my Atari in Elementary, a Commodore 64 in Junior High and now finally an IPhone that helps me communicate like I have never been able to. There are so many features at the tip of my fingers now…but nothing beats the “Speak & Spell” my dear mom gave me as a graduation gift my last day at Horton High School. She meant well and at the time I didn’t realize its significance…or that she was really trying to tell me that I was borderline technologically illiterate. I guess I didn’t really use that Speak & Spell enough. Once that first set of batteries went dead I didn’t bother with it anymore. I know now that it would have helped me so much. Now I get dates mixed up, email people through third parties, send flowers to the wrong address and generally frig up The Commissioner’s Tee Sheet every week. I don’t mean any harm, honestly, I just have trouble with this kind of thing. I promise to be more careful, pay more attention and take an online course to improve my communication skills. Why? Because I have to…I don’t want another nickname worse than The Hunchback. Until then, I will continue to enjoy driving my buddy to the course every Saturday.

Wasn’t that a touching moment Saturday? Seeing The Kevster drive in to KenWo with his buddy Burkie, his face pressed up against the passenger side window? Priceless.

News, Notes & Quotes

~”Derek, it’s 204 yards to the flag…if you still care that is.” -The Biggest Johnson.

Johnson’s statement came on #17 after The Commissioner had forgotten that his drive in the fairway (finally) was his PROVISIONAL. Thinking that he still had a chance to salvage his day with a possible rang with an eagle or birdie, The Commissioner had asked Johnson for a yardage…THAT statement was the final dry dagger on a day wrapped in pig manure for Thomson.

~”Mark…What’s a niblet anyway?”* -Where’s Waldo

~Looks like our old buddy Doug “The 4th Reich” Irwin is back in Coach Mode now after a summer on tour…albeit in lederhosen. Not sure if you will be able to spot him! ha ha

~Hole #5 was a popular one on Saturday as it was birdied a record 5 times during the round. Highlights included a Rod Murray iron to mere inches, a 45 foot bomb from The Commissioner and a 17 footer from Harold Fisher just seconds after The Commissioner’s bomb. The KWGA tallied 19 birdies in total on the day…a new tour record.

~KWGA Super-Sub Darrell Cook has been found and is reportedly in stable condition at his residence in Wolfville after a bout with “Palmeter Asphyxia”. We thank Ian for filling in on short notice.

-This week’s sign that the Apocalypse is Upon us…KWGA member Gerry Elliott was able to see the website and CONTACT THE COMMISSIONER FROM ITALY after seeing his name posted in the Canadian Open Draw. Thank you for taking the time away from your vacation Gerry to do so…That all makes Windsor not seem so far away anymore does it Kevster? Thanks again Gerry for the picture frames…I think the Canadian Open logo looked good inside it.

~Next week we honour “Back to School Week” with the Welcome Back Kotter Klassic. Please remember the deadline to enter is Monday night at 8pm. The sign-up and volunteer boxes have been posted on the website. The sooner…the better!

See you next week.

~The Commissioner