It wasn’t so much what happened at Saturday’s Captain Crazy Invitational, instead, it was the manor in which it occurred. Hantsport’s own Gary “The Biggest” Johnson laid waste to the KWGA field with a depravity the belies his Cheshire smile for his first career KWGA victory. Time and again The Big Dong pounded his driver long and straight into the fairway and field in a display not seen on tour since that famous horror movie of the 1930’s. However, it wasn’t all machismo and dong at work as Johnson displayed his inner, feminine Ann Darrow, rolling in birdie putts at the Par 3 #8B and 11th along with critical four footers on #17 and #18 that proved to be the difference. “I can’t say enough about what this means to me.” said Johnson. “I’ve come out and taken my licks on tour week after week the last 2 seasons and smiled my way through it. I figured it was time for me to finally grab the girl this week. It has been building and I think those 27 rounds down south this winter proved really helpful for me today. I think have have people running for cover now.”

Johnson arrived on the KenWo grounds Saturday morning with a what turned out to be no more than caddie named Fred and not much fanfare. His start did not do much to attract the TV cameras either with bogies at #1, #2, #3 and a double bogey at #4. However, something tickled the furry fury deep inside the KWGA biggest monster…and greatness ensued. A 38 foot birdie at the Par 3 8B jolted his playing partners after pars on #6, #7 and #9. His “Orchard 4” was completed in one under par gross and the Back Nine charge was officially in full frenzy. “It’s actually quite scary when you see something SO big grow so much…and get angry.” said a startled Commissioner Ford. “I’ve seen my fair share of adult films but watching him at work today would put John Holmes to shame.”

A hiccup double bogey at #14 did nothing to rattle Johnson as he recovered to make critical pars at #15 and #18 to finish the job with his own special money shot. Standing 199 yards from the pin on the left side of the #18th fairway with a 1 stroke lead, it would have been easy for him to lay up and play for bogey. However, a new KWGA Johnson wanted to make amends for his famous “Tin Cup” 13 from two seasons ago. Out came the rescue club and a majestic blast that drew calmly into the right centre of the 18th green. “I looked up and saw his ball sailing so high that I swear I saw Ann Darrow and Jesus Christ himself, holding hands, guiding that ball to safety. Eleven handicaps just aren’t meant to pull off shots like that under pressure, but by the Jesus, he did it.” said a beaming Commissioner Ford. “It’s nice when one of the nice guys wins on Tour. I can promote a guy like him. We have enough villains on tour.”

As it turned out, Johnson’s heroics were Grampy’s downfall. Burke was forced to watch it all unfold helplessly as his playing partner shredded the Back Nine. It was evident Johnson was getting to Grampy by the steam coming from Burke’s forehead and the constant whistling. “It’s annoying when Grampy gets into that “autistic rhythm” whistling.” said a frustrated Commissioner. “The whistling is aimless, off-key and like an abscess hemorrhoid, it just won’t stop bleeding pain.” Not even rock solid pars at #16 and #18 could corral Johnson on this day and Grampy could only rue his bad luck. “I know I tell everyone that they will all even out, but today they just didn’t. I kept rattling change in Gary’s backswing, sticking pins in my Gary Doll and asking Fred to pinch his bum, anything to try and throw him off. Nothing worked…I guess it was just bad luck.”

Rounding out the Top 3 were two old campfire buddies from the 1970’s with stellar net rounds of 69. The irony of that number was not lost on the KWGA brethren who know just how close the two had become since childhood. “Today we competed at golf and not games of underwear tag and flaming blew darts of fire with my dad’s old Bic lighter.” said an exasperated Air Bud. The games may have changed but the fun will always be there.”

Tour Chaos-Full Metal Retard

Fellas,

Our first official week of 2016 was not a good one on several fronts. Maybe we have gotten lazy, forgotten some basics or just generally ingested too many chemicals over the winter. Here are our issues from Saturday…

*No shows and late withdrawals. OK, I know that things come up. However, if you can’t play Saturday or you have zero control of your life, make sure you get in touch with me or someone as soon as you can. DO NOT send me emails 12 minutes before your scheduled tee time (Kevin). I am at the golf course 45-60 minutes before the first group tees off whether I am in that group or not, so I won’t see any email.

Late withdrawals throw off the groupings and “prepared” scorecards which is at the epicenter of organization. It is near impossible for me to calculate the weekly NET winner and FEDEX Points with 16 faces staring at me when the scorecards look like they have been handled by a Grade 2 class from Bangladesh.

*Tardiness- It is impossible to organize 15-20 men when we show up 5 minutes before scheduled tee times. Invariably someone will withdraw so it is important to get to the golf course 20-30 minutes in advance of tee times if possible. That gives us some flexibility in rearranging the groups if something goes frickity-fawk. If not, Mike White will be forced to jump in a cart and catch up to a group 2 holes ahead every week. Plus, we don’t want to see him almost cold-cock Scott Woodworth again with a predictable duck hook, short left.

*Scorecards- Make sure you check your score with the scorekeeper before leaving the course. I do not want to be judge and jury for scoring. Therefore it is YOUR responsibility to make sure your score is settled BEFORE leaving the golf course. 6pm calls to my house and instant messages to my Facebook account will not be accepted. Fellas, when I got home yesterday, I spent 3 hours listening to Nirvana whilst inhaling as much aresol spray as I could to numb my pain as I went through those scorecards. They were illegible…that’s a layman’s term for ridiculously bad.

First, let me model correct behavior…

Now, let’s look at some other attempts….

Now, let’s look at the scorecard that had me listening to Nirvana and reaching for the aresol spray…

I love you all…but let’s get better at this please. Thank-you.

.

News, Notes & Quotes

-“The Saturday Morning Flu seems to be spreading like wildfire around the KWGA.” -Commissioner Ford. The Commissioner muttered the words as he watched 16 men manage to bungle the fawk out of Saturday’s groupings.

-Gary “Biggest” Johnson was this week’s winner on tour but he did have one misstep Saturday. After his second deuce of the round on the Par 3 11th hole and a near miss on the Par 3 15th, Gary muttered, “I guess this was a bad day to not enter the 2’s competition in the Pro Shop.”

-The last week in May will come quickly. The Apple Blossom Tournament will be taking over KenWo that weekend. We need to decide as a group if we are going back to Avon Valley GC to play? Do we want to have a BBQ after?

-FYI, I will post the updated handicap information on the website by Thursday of each week this season. It will take a little bit more time to complete each week, so thank-you for your patience in advance.

-Next Saturday is the 3rd annual Skoal Bandits Shootout. I have posted the sign-up and tee time volunteer boxes on the website. The deadline for both is Monday Night @ 9pm. If you are having trouble signing in, call or email me ASAP. Thanks.

~The Commissioner