Like the cartels that ravage his Central American haven for fishing and game, Nick Waszczuk-Carey flummoxed the KWGA field with a devastating calm in the face of heartless brutality, carding a career low -8 round (82 gross) to win Saturday’s Captain Crazy Invitational by a whopping four strokes. Time and again, Waszczuk-Carey found the middle of the club-face, sending tracers high into the sky…and directly at the flagstick in a display that can only be called awe-inspiring. Mason’s aren’t usually known for their manual dexterity but somebody forgot to tell that to Carey-Waszczuk Saturday.”He played like the Cartel had bet on him today.” said a stunned Commissioner. “That would be a lot of pressure for any mere mortal, but nothing seemed to bother him today. I think Harold must have been giving him massage treatment on the cart between shots to keep him calm. Shelley Fleckenstein would be proud Harold.”

Waszczuk-Carey’s birdie at #2 and pars at #3, #8, #8B and #9 spearheaded a Front Nine gross 40 that was good for second in his own group. The Back Nine was just as consistent with pars at #11, #12, #13 giving him all the cushion he would need on this day to roll into victory lane. The win was Carey’s 3rd career title and the Costa Rican Rambler plans to tee it up again next week. “I find the less I care about my game, the better I play.” said a casual yet cheery Waszczuk-Carey. “Going stroke for stroke with the former Club Professional on the Front Nine was new for me. It gave me a lot of confidence knowing I could ram in birdie putts right behind him on #2. And hey…you know what they say…breakfast always tastes better when it’s free.” Great job Nick!

Also continuing his fine play to start the 2017 campaign was The Shark Gavin who fired a -4 round even with the hot lights of pre-tournament favorite shining hotly and brightly on his model-like backswing. The city dweller’s Front Nine 35 gross put him smack dab in the hunt, but still a distant 5 strokes behind Waszczuk-Carey as he headed to the Back Nine. However a double-bogey at the Par 5 14th ended any chance of free breakfast. The result was The Shark’s third consecutive Top 3 this season putting him at #1 in the FEDEX Cup Standings. “I can’t explain all of this really.” said a confident Shark. “There was a day when people wouldn’t act so surprised I am playing so well, but I guess last year’s performance on Tour made people forget about me. I watched my son take a lot of slap shots this winter and noticed his tempo was never rushed. Looks like that has translated to my golf game?”

     “I Hope the Fellas like it” -Legger

The combination of Legger and Woody rounded out the Top 3 Saturday afternoon. One golfer making his 2017 debut…and one trying to make up for a 90 gross just two weeks ago at the Kickoff Classic. Legge also became the first golfer in 2 seasons to actually shower after his round making one wonder…because you know he didn’t splash on that Brut Faberge’ to be around 15 men. His birdies at #8 and #16 were good to lead the tour on this day, cut 19 strokes off his Ringer Board score…and pay for his gas money back to his new stomping grounds of Dartmouth. For Woodworth, not much was expected of him once again Saturday, however, like he has done all of this athletic career, Air Bud surprised everyone with a startling -3 round (75 Gross) to share third place with the Third Legge. “I know what everyone must think when I stalk the practice putting green before my round, they probably giggle and snicker at my shorts, but that’s OK, I can handle their teasing.” said a smiling Air Bud. “They don’t know what I am thinking, and if they did, they would wish they were ONLY naked…and very afraid.” No details on whether Air Bud has long pants, undershirts, matching socks or a pair of lined shorts appropriate for the current seasonal conditions in his wardrobe.

The Full Gainer

                         Commissioner Ford…The 16th

After a wayward drive off of the 16th tee that found the gully in the middle of #17 fairway, The Commissioner’s second shot, probably his best swing of the day, produced a majestic shotgun blast sound along with a dazzling ball flight, only to clip the last branch to be avoided…and drop cruelly into the creek bed culvert that lines the 16th. The giggling and teasing that ensued from the group teeing off #17 was merciless…”Tough Break Big Fella. They all even out…” and “That should have worked out better” could be heard as the two parties crossed paths. It would be enough to make the blood boil of a mere mortal. The Commissioner’s third shot was a messy one as it turned out. Faced with a steep incline and thick, mucky moss as a lie, he thrashed mightily to extract his Titleist from the hazard. The result? A shot to 15 feet from the hole…and a tumble backward into the mucky ditch. “My worst fear, and the fear of my playing partners? How would anyone be able to help me out of there if I had gotten stuck…or broken an ankle!” The Commissioner then calmly drained that 15 footer down the hill for par.

3 Card Monty…Follow The Fogg

The Fogg’s Version of 3 Card Monty? Let’s Switch Playing Partners.

In a perplexing scene Saturday morning, The Commissioner stopped to pause at the strangest thing as he trundled up the 17th fairway. Like the last flight of the Dodo Bird…and presumably soaring just as vertical, The Fogg had switched playing groups, sending everyone scrambling to locate their KWGA Rules Manual…and KWGA Rules official Telley-Kelley. The Question? Is it a two stroke penalty to switch playing groups…on your own? Nobody was quite sure Saturday afternoon, and after The Fogg fired a -1 round, many were wondering if another Lexi Thompson scene would ensue. “I really don’t know what the hell was going on.” said a bemused Commissioner. “I had just done a full gainer into the creek bed on #16 and was trying to compose myself knowing others had seen me fall, so I didn’t really connect the dots until I teed off #18. When I saw the sad faces on The Fogg’s assigned playing partners, how sad and depressed they were, I couldn’t believe The Fogg dumped them like an ugly girlfriend. The other question was…Why?”

News, Notes & Quotes

Quote of the Day- “I used to be able to hold up a wet beach towel…Now I can’t even hold up a sheet of Bounce fabric softener.” An anatomy lesson from an anonymous source.

Rehab Stint- The Hunchback has been ordered to enter a 2 week Sensitivity Training Rehabilitation Centre after his ill-fated attempt at imitating “alternative music” following Saturday’s Captain Crazy Invitational.

Titleist Ball Promotion- The KWGA purchased 40 dozen golf balls! I will update you further on the results and fruit of all that labour in the coming days once I talk with the powers that be. Needless to say we will have a few jelly beans to spend on some closest to the hole contests during the 2017 season. Great job you guys and thanks for the support!

The Road Most Traveled- KWGA broke a “miles traveled” record on Saturday morning. Chris Rushton spent the week in British Columbia and rushed back, jet-lagged and weary, to play Saturday morning, and acquitted himself well with a +1 round. Kevin Poirier drove through the night and a driving rainstorm from Miramichi, NB to play. Brent Locke left his wife and newborn to be with the lads only to be ditched by a playing partner. In contrast, I rolled out of bed and drove 7 minutes from Wolfville. Great job guys! KWGA Proud.

Lastly, a special Thank-you to my Band of Brothers for the Clic-Gear stroller! I grew up with an older brother but he usually just teased me a lot about the Cleveland Browns, gave me “noogies” like our Vice Principal Raymond Jefferson did in Middle School or stole my only tennis racket growing up…and returned it in two pieces, ostensibly ending my tennis career at 11 years old…I am not bitter though, honest. So this gracious behavior is very new to me! Thanks again…I promise I won’t paint the stroller a new colour. Orange is my favorite!

See you next Saturday…The Tournament Sign-Up and Tee Time Volunteer boxes have been posted.

-The Commissioner

                                                     YIPPPEEEEEEEEEEEEE!