The 2018 season is upon us and that means it’s time to peer into the future. Making predictions in the KWGA is akin to managing a herd of wildebeest crossing the Serengeti River, but here goes anyway.

PLAYOFF FAVOURITES

WAYNE “GRAMPY” BURKE (2-1)

PREDICTION (Qualify Top 8): Nobody has played more golf this winter than Grampy. His Myrtle Beach exploits included 50+ rounds in America’s golf playground with the likes of Carey, Newcombe and brides Fraser/Newcombe. He has even had time to scour the Flea Market scene for second hand Titleists this winter in lieu of searching the swamps and forests where diamondbacks lurk. The man plays too much on Tour not to qualify for the playoffs and will be motivated after an early elimination from last season’s playoffs.

KEVIN “MR. WILDCAT” POIRIER (5-2)

PREDICTION (Qualify Top 8-Playoffs): It’s hard to bet against a man who has made the last 3 FEDEX Cup Finals. No KWGA pro has been more battled tested than Wildcat. The man shows up to play each and every Saturday which makes him hard to leapfrog in the standings. The winter has seen a lot of miles traveling Atlantic Canada and just how many trips to Yarmouth this spring and summer will no doubt play a role in his success this season. The BIG question will be, Can he deliver on Jackie Redmond and or the Red Bull Cheerleader Squad?

DEREK “COMMISSIONER” THOMSON (3-1)

PREDICTION: (Qualify Top 8-Playoffs): Coming off last season’s championship victory will be hard to repeat. No golfer has repeated as champion since its inception in 2014. The weight of the world and expectation will no doubt be heaped on his gorgeous frame. Nobody will be crying a tear when one of his drives or irons goes awry that’s for sure. Like most others, The Commissioner has swung the club once in the last 6 months so getting off to half-decent start when all faculties are not at full power will be key.

HAROLD “MR. OCTOBER” FISHER (4-1)

PREDICTION (Qualify Top 8- Playoffs): Another man who enters each and every Saturday. It may not be pretty but getting around the golf course without the aid of his caddy/Golden Retreivers is a skill. Having a winter home on Florida’s Gulf Coast also means “spring ready”. The early season is when the Aylesford Assassin has historically gobbled up points like his dogs slurp Nanaimo Bars at a Cheeseburger Picnic. He will be hard pressed to match last season’s 262 points, but qualifying for the playoffs will be within reach.

ROD “WHERE’S WALDO” MURRAY (5-1)

PREDICTION (Qualify Top 8- Playoffs): After sitting almost all of the FEDEX Cup season in 2017, Murray returns with renewed vigour in 2018 and has all the tools one needs to make the playoffs…a disciplinarian coach…and lots of free time. There is no questioning his desire but with a golf attention span just north of a fruit fly, it is hard to predict just what Waldo will do. Maintaining consistent results week after week will be his biggest challenge, not to mention finding his way home after each Saturday round. Look for Waldo to rise to the challenge in 2018.

KEVIN “HUNCHBACK” NEWCOMBE (6-1)

PREDICTION: (Qualify Top 8- Playoffs): The only thing that stands in the way of The Hunchback is himself…and his newfound softball career. He came up empty in 12 FEDEX events last season but qualified for the playoffs as 1st alternate, only to leave his Semi-Final match early to play infield for the Falmouth Foul Mouths in a Slob Ball tournament. However, history has shown us that the man can win and if he gets in his handicap “sweet” spot for a few weeks, wins and Top 3’s can come aplenty.

GERRY “DOUBLE DOUBLE” ELLIOTT (7-1)

PREDICTION (Qualify Top 8- Playoffs): Last season saw the re-birth of the KWGA’s most decorated golfer. Double Double won once and finished Top 3 five times during the 2017 FEDEX Cup season making him once again a favourite on Tour in 2018. His biggest problems are that he has given out so many house secrets to his competition and keeping his fridge and bar filled during indoor practice sessions for others. Look for a fast start this season after clearing his mind during his eighteen southern trips this winter.

SCOTT “AIR BUD” WOODWORTH (8-1)

PREDICTION (Qualify Top 8- Playoffs): Nobody smelled the whiff of close defeat quite like Air Bud in 2017. He finished 2nd in two majors last season and  garnered 158.5 points in just 10 FEDEX Cup events. If he plays 12+ times then the sky is the limit for this man who played homeless last season. Now that his home seems to have finally been completed, he can put his tent in storage and play with peace of mind finally. He has been a FEDEX Cup point machine, so don’t bet against him in 2018.

CLOSE…BUT NO CIGAR

MARK “THE SHARK” GAVIN (9-1)

PREDICTION (1st Alternate- Maybe Playoffs): The Shark found his game last season, ringing off 4 straight Top 3 finishes to begin the season. He qualified second with 242.5 points only to see his playoffs come to a quick and startling end in the first round. He will be hard-pressed to match last season’s totals, and with a certain German back in the fold stealing valuable points…and summer hockey practice, The Shark could be riding the fine line to qualify. What we know for sure, The Shark will be the favourite to win best dressed on Tour for the 4th consecutive year.

DOUG “4TH REICH” IRWIN (10-1)

PREDICTION (10th- Miss Playoffs): For the first time ever, it looks like the German Bulldog will be with us for an entire FEDEX Cup season. The 4th Reich’s perilous status is the only thing keeping him out of the Top 8 but he qualified 7th in 2014 without playing a full schedule, so the jury is out. Make no mistake, after being fired from his hockey job just days after an ignominious visit to Deutschland by a certain Grampy, he will be motivated to take down a few scalps in 2018…and we know who Scalp #1 will be. Go get him Doug!

CHRIS “INSPECTOR GADGET” RUSHTON (11-1)

PREDICTION (11th-Miss Playoffs): I saw the pictures from Orlando, you know the ones, with Tiger Woods swinging  and Jason Day posing with your family at the PGA Tour event last month. It’s going to take a Herculean effort to match last season’s 6th place finish and 176.0 points. The competition has grown thicker and the Gadgets world still tilts to the right after speaking with his swing coach at Wolfville School all winter. If there is another 3 week trip to Ontario in the middle of the summer, turn out the lights.

BOB MAXWELL-SMART (12-1)

PREDICTION (12th- Miss Playoffs): The “Smart” man played in just 9 FEDEX Cup events in 2017  without a win in a blase’ season that has many wondering if his clubs were up for sale on Kijiji this winter. Curiously, he has failed to reach the playoffs since 2014 in a season before our Net scoring system. Making things even more difficult is his fall hunting regimen that has many wondering just what he hunts up in those North Mountain woods. The talent is there but like Yogi Berra once famously quipped, “Baseball (Golf) is 90% mental…the other half is physical.” However, look for a bounce back season from Maxwell-Smart.

DARRELL “THE COOKSTER” COOK (13-1)

PREDICTION (13th- Miss Playoffs): Like any good horror movie, it’s the unknown that scares us more than anything. Such is the case with the KWGA’s 2018  lone rookie. How much will he play? How well will he adjust to playing with quirky men like Grampy and The Sheriff week after week on Tour? Those two questions alone keep him out of the Top 8 but what we do know for sure is that Saturday mornings just got a lot louder. He will be hard-pressed to match the KWGA rookie record for FEDEX Cup standing held by Air Bud (5th in 2015) but stranger things have happened…like winning $450 in one Men’s Night.

ARNIE TELLY-KELLEY (14-1)

PREDICTION (14th- Miss Playoffs): The Big Gun struggled mightily with the chill of the early season in 2017 and never recovered, even after a furious finish that saw him win the FEDEX Cup season-ending Canadian Open. If he can get some results when the air is cold in April and May, look out. If not, he will again have to push the boulder up the hill all summer. The upside is that nobody cares more and no one can match his singular focus in the heat of battle, traits that his NY Rangers and the Montreal Canadiens lacked in 2018.

WILL NEED HELP…OR SURGERY

MIKE “FOGG” WHITE (15-1)

PREDICTION (15th- Miss Playoffs): “If you build it, they will come.” So it goes for the KWGA’s Fogg, a man who will sign up to play in any weather, try and predict it…and always see a window to tee off even on the Doppler Radar’s worst day. Last season was a disaster for Fogg who didn’t crack the Top 3 until the Bryson Intercontinental Season. However, a renewed sense of self, some winter practice with a former pro and a positive outlook even in the darkest circumstances, Fogg will be trying to recapture the form that saw him win twice on Tour in 2015 and 2016.

GARY “BIGGEST” JOHNSON (16-1)

PREDICTION (16th- Miss Playoffs): OK, so some of this is because I hate his beloved Bruins. Biggest Johnson stormed out of the gates in 2017 with two wins before the calendar hit July. It was a remarkable season that saw Hants County finally represented positively on the sports scene since Eddie Feigner stopped in Hantsport in 1979 to show off his softball pitching prowess. Finding a way to recapture 2017’s success is a large mountain to climb once again…just like beating the Leafs in the playoffs will be.

BARRY BANNISTER-HENNIGAR (17-1)

PREDICTION (17th- Miss Playoffs): If this man played a full schedule the rest of us would simply be visiting his world. Bannister won twice and finished in the Top 3 four times in just 8 FEDEX Cup events in 2017. That level of play is hard to sustain and puts a lot of pressure on his early events. Couple that with his annual 18 week pilgrimage to Toronto every summer, finding success will again be against the odds. What’s going for him in 2018? The chance to get out of the house. PS…I look better with clothes on too buddy, so don’t let your wife bring you down.

SNOWBALL’S CHANCE IN…

BOB “BIP” TRAINOR (18-1)

PREDICTION (18th- Miss Playoffs): After three summers of simply dipping his feet in the KWGA water, BIP will be looking to play a larger schedule and make major strides this season now that he will be settled in Wolfville for most of the summer. His handicap and more starts will mean plenty of cushion for success each and every Saturday. No golfer slathers more sunscreen on their legs than The Bipster which will serve him well once the warmer months hit. There is room for him to even crack the Top 12 this season..if he can keep his grips tacky.

JOHNNY “DENIM COWBOY” KENNY (19-1)

PREDICTION (19th- Miss Playoffs): The Cowboy enters 2018 newly retired with a less than full cupboard of KWGA hardware in his first 2 seasons on Tour. He failed to crack the Top 3 during the FEDEX Cup season in 2017 which is surprising since bionic hips are supposed to perform better once they get heated up. Will he have the desire to grind at that metal for 4 months on Tour? Or will all those years of ball hockey on concrete in the Berwick Arena prevent him from KWGA success in 2018? After all, he doesn’t exactly hit it like a Marshall Davidson slapper anymore.

NICK WASZCZYK-CAREY (20-1)

PREDICTION (20th- Miss Playoffs)- If more golfers were equipped with this man’s golf mentality, there would certainly be fewer golfer emotional breakdowns across this great country. Waszczyk-Carey hunts, fishes and gallivants around North America more than Grizzly Adams in his heyday, all the while sniping a skin and win on Tour when you least expect  it. However, the FEDEX Cup is marathon and not a sprint. On the upside, he can always train dogs if the golf thing doesn’t work out. How do I know? I watched him carry on a conversation with Gerry’s dog for 38 minutes last summer…a new Canadian record.

BRENT “WEASIE” LOCKE (21-1)

PREDICTION (21st- Miss Playoffs): Like the movie “Awakenings” starring Robin Williams and Robert De Niro from 1990, Weasie came out of a coma to win his second consecutive Masters in 2017. That win could only spearhead him to a 20th place finish in the FEDEX Cup standings, so either Weasie plays more, or he watches the playoffs from afar, like the Habs this spring. If he plays more than the 5 times like he did last season, move him up this list. If he doesn’t, like the movie Awakenings, the potion will stop working…and back to the golfing coma…all the while with a smile on his face.

FAMILY SHMAMILY…

NICK “CAPTAIN SHITACULAR” LEVY (22-1)

PREDICTION (22nd- Miss Playoffs): They don’t make them like The Captain anymore. Steely, humble and quietly intense. The Captain has won a major and more rangs per round than anyone in the KWGA. No one questions his power and ability to shoot low scores when you count him out. However, it’s the litter of hyperactivity that stands in the way of FEDEX Cup success. What he HAS done over his career is steal big points from golfers teetering on the edge of playoff qualification. So look for more of the same in 2018. PS…Nick is looking for a new best friend. Apply within.

RENE “SHOOTER” MacKAY (23-1)

PREDICTION (23rd- Miss Playoffs): The days of showing up, playing 4 times, and finishing Top 15 in the FEDEX Cup standings seem to be over for this fellow Antigonish product. He once bragged that he would win it all if he didn’t have such an important job but that was before Net scoring on Tour. He missed all of 2017 and the hope is he can find it in his panties to get out a few Saturday’s in 2018. Pink, baby blue, paisley or fuchsia, it makes no difference to me. That being said, everyone will fear him whenever he steps on #1 tee.

JEFF “THIRD” LEGGE (24-1)

PREDICTION (24th- Miss Playoffs): Not much has changed in Leggers life in the last 12 months, just a move to Metro, part-time membership status, loss of membership to the Berwick Legion…and oh ya, he got engaged. If that isn’t a formula for golfing disaster, there is no such thing. I have missed and will miss those loud moments around the campfire, espousing the virtues of internet dating and the Legion, the days when I had someone around my age in the league, but now it’s all gone…along with his chances of ever making the FEDEX Cup playoffs…Now I know what Nick Levy feels like…dumped.

TOM “FONDA” THOMSON (25-1)

PREDICTION (25th- Miss Playoffs): Last season, Fonda spent $3300 on all new irons, clubs, shoes and socks on a whim and in a single day preparing for the KWGA season. I am not sure what got his hopes up because everyone knew he would be torn away from us before one could shake a stick at a frothing Doberman Pincer. He did snipe a Top 3 at the Avon Lea Open so the ability is there. What isn’t there is the time needed to devote to golf. If he was half as good at golf as he is at guitar and singing, he would be playoff bound. But instead, all I ever hear ringing in my head when I think of his chances is a famous line from the former Indianapolis Colts Coach Jim Mora…”Playoffs? Playoffs? We can’t even make a first down!” Love ya bro.

PETE “HYUNDAI” SIMMONS (26-1)

PREDICTION (26th- Miss Playoffs): The man has won twice on Tour in limited starts in his career. If he didn’t like weekend boating on the South Shore so much he would possibly turn the KWGA upside down. But Elvis didn’t exactly fit into his “Onesy” at the end of his career either, so we can never be sure of anyone’s “ball room”. When he does show up, it’s never empty handed for a man that really doesn’t have to do anything for us. I view him as a shepherd of kindness and care…like Dr. Kavorkian….a shepherd dressed in black…with the golf Kool Aid to match.

WHEN DOGS FLY

“SHERIFF” JOHN AMIRAULT (100-1)

PREDICTION (27th- Miss Playoffs): Nothing is ever expected of Sheriff John, nothing. It’s a hallmark that has helped him skate through a few grades in school and on the bawdy dockyards of Yarmouth. How he managed to snag a wife so pretty is still a mystery. The Sheriff’s 2017 season was a boat that missed the dock, crashing unabashedly in the waves of shite as he failed to record a Top 3 during the FEDEX Cup season…but still managed to have a good time just the same. He is hopeful that he can rebound to his 2015 form when he finished a staggering 2nd in the standings. Personally, I don’t see that happening this season, next season or the season after that. How do I know? Because I have something you will never have John Boy….my Grade 10 buddy…my Grade 10.