UPDATE: PEARL NECKLACE STANDINGS HAVE BEEN UPDATED

AP- Wolfville, NS
Friday July 10, 2020.

Expectations are high for some heading into the KWGA’s second Major while others seem to be hanging on by a thread as Saturday’s Players Championship gets ready to tee up at venerable Ken-Wo GC. What we do know is that conditions should be stellar for scoring with softer conditions and just a gentle breeze from the south.

FEDEX Cup points leaders Bannister-Hennigar and “Bobby Clobber” have been consistent and at times spectacular this season with Hennigar posting a 2nd place finish at last week’s Chesterfield Rugby Open while Clobber remains a constant threat with those 19 extra strokes and a partridge in a pear tree in his back pocket. The enigma this week, as it has been all season, is The Denim Cowboy who has been in the “handicap sweet spot” for the entire season. He finally broke through with a win at The Heritage two weeks ago and more is expected this week. “Being retired now, well sorta retired, has decreased my workload in the fields but my honey-do list has gotten a heck of a lot longer.” said a smiling Kenny following his practice round Thursday. “I had never seen the inside of WalMart or The Super Store until this year.”

Anxiously awaiting his new clubs is the KWGA’s rock n roller, Tom Fonda-Thomson whose two appearances on Tour this season have included a playoff loss at The Masters and a 4th place in Chester. A win this week and he may want to reconsider that gross expenditure on new gear. “My biggest concern playing is leaving my 15 lawns I have to mow in Truro and a couple buildings that need a mob rent enforcer.” said Fonda from the comfort of his back deck. “That and always having to buy dinner when I stay overnight in Wolfville.” Fonda will be grouped with favorite Barry and a recently struggling Boston fan The Big Johnson in what can only be deemed the worst sword fight in Valley history. “I am not worried about Johnson and his unit or Barry and his guitar talk. It’s all a smoke-screen. They know I have 16 strokes to play with, I am ready for them.”

Keep an eye out for The Hunchback this week as no one truly knows what to expect week to week, including Hunchback himself. He will have his friend, buddy, confident and son right beside him this week in hopes of calming his pituitary glands in search of regaining his 2016 form that saw him win The Players. “Jordan knows his role.” said a matter of fact Hunchback. “Talk me off the ledge emotionally if he can…and if that doesn’t work, we hit the bottle on the Back 9. Listen, bad golf scores are nothing. Try riding a camel to work through 100 mph sand storms in Qatar.”

Looking for a miracle this week will be the quartet of The Sheriff, Wasczuk-Carey and Inspector Gadget for very different reasons. The Sheriff’s game this season has been as appetizing as licking cardboard, Carey’s game needs a touch lighter than a mason’s mallet while Gadget will be weighted down by a shrinking 15 handicap. “You tell the Commissioner he can put his stinking, rotten foot up someone else’s arse for a change will ya?” said a fuming Sheriff. He has been hiding from me, that’s pretty obvious now. Tell him I am working on my Grade 10 this summer, so no more teasing me about that either!”

The KWGA’s elite of Double-Double, Maxwell-Smart and Grampy will make things interesting because without doubt, at least one will fire something low. Maxwell’s win last week in Chester showed that lower handicaps can win on Tour while Double-Double and Grampy quietly have made timely birdies that continue to pay for gas money back and forth to events. Grampy is still without a Major and the steam quietly blows inside. A busy golf schedule this week also means a day off Friday may have been his best tonic. “Don’t worry about me.” said a distracted Grampy. “Jan makes me take so many vitamins, protein shakes and isolates me from any dangers that may lurk. I am coming out swinging Saturday, and if I don’t win, I still drive out of the yard in the nicest convertible in the league…Kevin’s new one included.Making guest appearances this week will be Ray Ivany, Geoff Flecknell and Jordan Newcombe…we welcome them to our fray for a day.

Have fun boys…this is killing me.

-TOURNAMENT ODDS-

1-1 TRAINOR
2-1 HENNIGAR
3-1 KENNY
7-2 T.THOMSON
4-1 FISHER
5-1 MAXWELL
6-1 NEWCOMBE
13-2 WOODWORTH
7-1 SIMMONS
8-1 ELLIOTT
9-1 WHITE
10-1 POIRIER
11-1 RUSHTON
12-1 MURRAY W/D
13-1 BURKE
14-1 JOHNSON
15-1 LOWE
16-1 CAREY
20-1 AMIRAULT
25-1 IRWIN