2021 PREVIEW

The 2021 KWGA begins Saturday so it was time to handicap the field for the race for the FEDEX Cup. Many hours of research and number crunching got me to this point so I hope you enjoy. Lastly, if you don’t like your odds or how I felt about your chances to win the FEDEX Cup, well, do something about it I say!

DARRELL COOK 50-1 Bueller?….Bueller?…Anyone?…Anyone?

BRENT LOCKE 30-1 I think Weasie took a leave of absence from golf in 2020 to teach paddle boarding to bored MILF’s in the greater metropolitan Halifax area. Trading in sweaty men for water soaked women in wet suits is an upgrade but it does nothing to help you win a FEDEX Cup. Personally, I wouldn’t turn down Roseanne Barr in a wet suit with this Covid draught going on, but I digress. This man is a two-time, back to back Masters champion in case you have forgotten so the handicap/skill combination will always be there. Rumour has it that he busted up a wing in the off-season, so when we see the youngest grandfather in the KWGA play on Tour is anyone’s guess. Until then, send some wet suit pictures will ya Weas?

PETE SIMMONS 26-1 If selling vehicles and stamping grapes in his backyard were not so important we would have another contender to this title. However, both of those activities take time away from Saturday golf, while only one stains your toenails. The man has proven he can win on Tour, winning his title sponsor event (Valley Ford Fistfight) twice in his career in a feet akin to Vladimir Putin receiving a Super Bowl ring from Patriots owner Robert Kraft (Boy, THAT was tough!). Maybe someday he will sell his business like Grampy and get serious about scalping fellow KWGA’ers on a weekly basis, but until then, as they used to end the night on Stacey’s Country Jamboree on WLBZ TV in Bangor, Maine back in the day…”On the wings of a snow…white…dove…

NICK LEVY 25-1 If I had kids, personally I wouldn’t let them play hockey…or baseball, football, tennis, track & field…or anything else that took me away from weekend golf. But we all make our choices right? The 2015 Masters champion has not exactly been a FEDEX force in his 7 years on Tour, and this season, with sons playing all over the province in rinks I can’t pronounce, he will make the brave choice to play a limited KWGA schedule in lieu of his own personal golf gratification. He finished 21^st in the standings last season, just ahead of Indianapolis Jones and a ripped glove, the best he could hope for really. However, not too many others enjoy a round of KWGA golf more than Captain Shitacular, even with the disappearance of former best friend Jeff Third Legge. Look for him to play spoiler again, stealing points from desperate golfers at the most inopportune time.

RENE MacKAY 24-1 Incredibly, The Shooter finished 11^th in points last season in just five events on Tour. His playoff win at The Masters was the main reason but he turned the trick again the next week at The Heritage in a career season. However, to win the FEDEX Cup, you must be able to play two or three Saturdays in August, and odds makers don’t bet on guys who play once a month. If he played a full schedule the name on the trophy would probably need to be changed but then the property would probably turn to shambles too. Of course it’s not like a trained baboon couldn’t run the place in his absence, but that’s an experiment for another day.

KEVIN NEWCOMBE 23-1 The much awaited return of The Hunchback is happening in 2021 as Falmouth’s own pterodactyl toed menace returns after two years in the desert sand of Doha, Qatar. However, he will miss the first two months of the season , a double point major in The Masters and he’ll miss passing by the young men while in his convertible on his way to work every day, the young boys who limped to school with a Ground Penetrating Radar (GPR) attached to their arms, bravely scouring the useless dirt on their own way to school to keep Kevin safe. That’s capitalism at its finest I say. He has vowed a new attitude in 2021 and odds makers weren’t sure if that meant he just won’t be taking ice in his drinks this season, or if he will be letting go of the rampant golf anxiety that pulses through his veins most days. That all being said, who knows, maybe he wins The Players Championship and vaults into a playoff spot and he kicks sand on all the odds makers…I know which one I am cheering for.

GEOFF FLECKNELL 22-1 A rookie in name but this man has been around KenWo more years than most know but as we all know, there are two types of golf. There is “regular” golf…and then there is “tournament” golf. How quickly he adjusts to this and how much soccer his kids will be playing this summer will decide just how well he does in this FEDEX Cup race. Missing the season-opening Flower Cart Classic by oversleeping on his wake up alarm is not a great start. However, there is outside hope he can parlay some end of season confidence with early spring energy to surprise some people and scare a leaderboards or two. My childhood friend does look a bit like Jason Day but certainly doesn’t hit it as far, but when the first time he gets in the hunt, watch the smile be replaced by a blood-thirsty, soulless, heartless Braveheart. Go get ‘em Fuji…and remember, the deadline to sign up for Saturday golf is every Monday Night @9pm…unless otherwise noted.

If you wanna impress me Carey…bring these to Digby.

NICK CAREY 21-1 Nobody cares less about bad golf shots than Waszczuk-Carey. He has the inane ability to let it wash off his back without worry. I guess maybe it has something to do with proceeds and parcels of land from God knows where but who cares? Waszczuk-Carey finished in 17^th place last season, one spot and 3 measly points away from qualifying for the playoffs and vowed to never let Rocket beat him like that ever again. So much so he agreed to room with The Rocket in Digby. I guess that old mob saying is true, “Keep your friends close…but your golf enemies closer.” Who knows, maybe this is the year for Waszczuk but the day I stop seeing him take 3 practice swings and plumb-bobbing putts, I know he will have given up.

TOM THOMSON 20-1 “Fonda” Tom came out of nowhere to almost win The Masters last season, losing in a playoff to Shooter MacKay. The runner-up finish and $3,500 worth of new equipment propelled him to a 10^th overall standing last season. This season he will be newly retired in June and maybe, just maybe, he will be allowed to make the trek from Truro to God’s Country to play every Saturday. However, with 83 lawns to mow and a crop in the fields, I doubt that will happen. That means contending and placing high in major championships is a must, and that doesn’t happen every year. Fonda will slip a bit in the standings this year but has a chance to scrape into the playoffs…and at least he will have shiny clubs if he doesn’t.

ROB LOWE 19-1 Although being a police officer is not super popular right now, especially in the state of Minnesota, Sex Tape Rob continues to amaze on Tour with four wins in thirty-eight career starts, including a 61 net win at the Valley Ford Fistfight to finish 2020. He finished 11^th in FEDEX Cup Standings last season to stay under the radar just like his old job. Odds makers are doubting Sex Tape to qualify for the playoffs this season simply because he has joined the ranks of management for a day, agreeing to feed 20 guys with Digby crustaceans in May. Rumour has it that his sex tape has resurfaced and the KWGA will be holding a private screening in Digby for those interested.

JOHN AMIRAULT 18-1 Speaking of The Sheriff. We all laugh, because he is a caricature of himself, but in 2015 he actually finished 2^nd in the standings. OK, you can pick your jaw up off the floor now. That was 6 long years ago but I am willing to bet my left nut that he still has some of the same underwear now that he did then. King of Blimpkins, master of bawdy jokes and a general nuisance to KenWo management, The Sheriff is always trying to get under his opponents skin to gain an advantage. Maybe he will have a golf awakening again this season or maybe he will just be the same ole John. This odds maker would rather just bet on a blind, castrated, 3 legged horse in the Kentucky Derby.

LUC POIRIER 17-1 Rookie seasons are all about learning lessons. So it is for “Cool Hand” Luc who enters 2021 after pinch hitting several times last season. His 17 handicap could lead to a fast start and fool the odds maker and that will be key for the baby faced movie star looking hockey puck. KWGA fans all over the globe are already hoping for a father-son final but we are months away from anything like that. The mere thought brings a tear to Tena and my eyes. The kid has some talent and maybe all he needs is a structured environment to flourish a la Bobby Clobber and The Phog. Getting comfortable with such a strange and unusual crew will also be paramount because men like The Sheriff can easily rattle the younger lad. Good Luck Luc.

ROD MURRAY 16-1 So we reach the playoff cut-off on this year’s odds makers predictions. Where’s Waldo has the ability to win tournaments but the question is always how many events will he play? He finished 16^th in points last year and made it all the way to the Finals which shows he can dominate once motivated and in the handicap sweet spot. Several clandestine sessions with Instructor Gerry in the off-season stuffed his notebook of things to think about and work on, so the ammunition is there. How he got three guys agree to room with him in Digby so quickly is confounding and another question altogether. I am guessing he convinced them that his Hannibal Lector machine has been upgraded to a low purring sound? Did he threaten them? It’s all love, who knows, maybe another run to the Finals in 2021.

HAROLD FISHER 15-1 Year after year Mr. October has been a factor in the FEDEX points race, but not last season as he had his worst showing of his career finishing 15^th and barely qualifying for the playoffs. Maybe it was the lack of winter golf down in Covid rich Florida? If that’s the case, this off-season wasn’t any different. How do I know? Because I drove by his house about 75 times this winter without him knowing and saw the lights on at 6am, a place that would always be dark in the winter. However, Mr. October usually lives in the “handicap sweet spot” so there is hope, it’s just such an uphill climb without all of that Florida golf under his belt when most of us were always just trying to stretch our calves and hamstrings after a winter of sofa surfing.

BOB MAXWELL 14-1 What he does and drinks all winter up on that mountain isn’t known but if he ever let that secret out he would be a millionaire. The man charges down that hill every April and starts clanking balls off flag sticks. He has the game to win a FEDEX title but something seems to be missing. Playing a full schedule might help. The man hates cold damp spring weather like everyone’s grandmother, and not playing in Digby in May is another bandarilla in the bull. The hope is one day hunting and rain won’t get in the way of decorating such a deserving player…but I ain’t holding my breath.

DEREK THOMSON 13-1 Injuries derailed The Commissioner in 2020 but he managed to still scrape into the playoffs just the same, finishing 14^th in points and #1 in everyone’s heart no doubt. What I do know is that opponents were happy to not have to deal with him in the playoffs with a fully loaded gun. However, being an underdog could suit him well for a change. The big thing will be how the foot holds up and how many calories he can avoid at The Turn because rumor has it KenWo has not only bought a new sign, they have brought in some super-sized rink dogs for the new menu. The man with the prettiest orange golf bag in North America, perfect complexion, glassy blues eyes and finally visible ribcage has a lot to prove in 2021 and that could spell trouble for the rest of the league. The 2017 champion knows how to play this FEDEX game.

JOHNNY KENNY 12-1 Where did this man disappear to in the winter? Wolfville Police Constable Ray Huckster was even dispatched to call out an APB for last season’s 3^rd most point getter when the Smiling Assassin seemed more interested in playing “couch footsies” with his beau then hitting balls with the boys. But that’s just where The Denim Cowboy likes to be, in the murky waters, the dimly lit hallway, holding on to a shit rope without concern. Why such a drastic drop in odds this season? Someone has to play left out. Maybe this will be just the tonic to get him motivated to grease up the ole hip and hit some balls on the range during the week. It’s time to add a Cinderella Story of success just like those Anvil Draughts days, when men were men and Johnny was allowed to use words that would now incarcerate him. Now, can he avoid the allure of Darrell’s garage the night before tournaments? Ummm no. Does 12-1 makes sense now people?

KEVIN POIRIER 11-1 Whether it was The Covid Blues, a change from Red Bull to jerky, or the sudden disappearance of his BFF Sharky, 2020 was not a good one for Mr. Wildcat  who missed qualifying for the playoffs for the first time in his career, finishing a distant 20^th in the standings. THAT will not happen this year because odds just dictate, and well, jerky doesn’t derail good golf like Red Bull does. This man views bad golf shots like Wildcat teammates making errors in the infield (Insert mad face here). His competitive fire unquestioned, the addition of his son to the KWGA will no doubt motivate him to show the Young Buck what dad has been all about all his life…winning. Can you imagine a Father vs Son FEDEX Cup Final? Get your popcorn ready fellas.

WAYNE BURKE 10-1 It’s been six long years since Grampy won his FEDEX title in 2015 and so much has happened since. One thing does remain the same, he finds a way to creep up the standings and give himself a shot to win. With the process of selling his business surely, hopefully, maybe, oh frig, Howie’s calling me, I need to answer this call…out of the way, the thought is Grampy will be back to his killer ways by June. He finished 2^nd in points last season but a natural drop-off is bound to occur with his constant swing changes/thoughts and swirling around in his head. Anxiousness about the return of his best buddy Hunchback and how to integrate him back in his life in July could derail this FEDEX beast and so preparations have no doubt already begun. Costco better have lots of chocolate balls for Kevin, that’s all I can say.

SCOTT WOODWORTH 9-1 Wash away the smiling veneer and I know this man quietly wants nothing more than to win SOMETHING in this league. The FEDEX Cup should be right up his alley as he plays every week, plays solid and has finished in the Top 8 almost every season. Finding a way to advance in the playoffs has been the elusive part for Air Bud. However, with diarrhea problems seemingly cured and a new focus in place, this man has a good chance to finally get it done. He put in some off-season work on the simulator and loves the smell of fresh grass more than his canines at home. I am sure there would be a dog parade down Main Street if he ever does win a FEDEX Cup.

BOB TRAINOR 8-1 Bobby Clobber finished 7^th in points last season, advanced to the second round of the playoff and then…withdrew. (I have a word for that but I am not allowed to print it anymore). The shocking event was like watching your first pornographic blooper video. THAT really happens? Yes, Clobber pulled the plug on his 2020 prematurely and he has heard the whispers in the off-season. Historically a fast starter on Tour, he will need to do just that in 2021 or else the wheels on the bus may start turning too fast…and Albert is home schooling for yet another day. The man has improved leaps and bounds and knows not to panic early in a round if a double or triple bogey rears its ugly head. Playoffs for sure, advancing to the second round with the deepest Tour Field in KWGA history will be too big of a chore. Let’s just hope he plays if he does make the playoffs.

BRUCE FAGAN 7-1 It’s been a while since he has been called rookie but that will be the case when he tees it up for the first time on Tour in April. He begged, prodded and cajoled this writer into giving him a shot at the title and it worked. Now the hard part begins for this Phinneys title suiter. What we know is that he will shoot 70-75 every week and pound the field into submission with his driving accuracy and iron game. Off-season surgery had some odds-makers balking at ranking him so high but I think they did the same thing with an aging and supposedly arm-weary Tom Brady in Tampa Bay before last season…and how did that work out?

BARRY HENNIGAR 6-1 It’s simple “shit tectonics” people. When one immovable object meets another coming from the opposite direction, a shit abyss is sure to follow. Such is the reasoning for Barry’s odds this year. How can he ever do THAT again? Do what you ask? Finish first overall in points last season while crushing the nearest competitor by 64.5 points, winning three tournaments while finishing Top 3 on five occasions. It’s a lot to ask of a man to do again. Natural apathy starts to set in, like when you build a spiffy clean million dollar home…eventually someone in the house will fart on the new furniture and leave their muddy shoes on walk across the kitchen tile. However, Barry had to live all fall and winter with the sour taste of losing the FEEX Cup Final a la Greg Norman did to CHRIS Faldo in the 1996 Masters. If that isn’t motivation for this season, there is none.

MIKE WHITE 5-1 The Phog had a down year in 2020 and wasn’t even sure he would play. Common sense was eventually slapped into him but a malaise hung over his game like a Joe Biden victory. It was a lot to take for him but he still finished 9^th in points in 2020, advancing to the final and finishing a very respectable 3^rd. With Covid now eradicated from his mind, a complete explosion in the housing market and a winter spent pounding rockets on the simulator, The Phog will be taking dead aim at his first FEDEX Cup title just like he did at Horton High School dances. Look for Phog to play every week and win multiple tournaments on Tour, because once you fall asleep on Mike White…he’ll get you.

GARY JOHNSON 4-1 Newly minted “Beantown” Gary is basking in the glory of retirement and gaudy pension and with good reason. The 2018 champion has dropped his handicap 8 strokes in two years and continues to be an abscess hemorrhoid to keep out of the Top 5 week to week. Beantown finished 5^th in points last season and advanced all the way to the finals because of another opponent withdrawal (Trainor). This season he will have to earn his way to the final so he hired someone named Jordan (No, not Michael Jordan) to turn his swing into an Irish Whip from his former lady-like high handed hair brush motion. I tease him and his mongoloid hockey hero Brad Marchand but they can both use their shafts very well. If he can avoid The Gout and over-confidence, this has a chance to be a FEDEX Cup title season once again.

GERRY ELLIOTT 3-1 Double-Double finished 4^th in points last year, skipped The Northern Trust for a convention of retired club pros and Tim Horton’s executives and still advanced to the second round. My guess is he won’t be sitting out any playoff rounds this season after the amount of angry fan mail that landed on his doorstep in the offseason. Add in the fact that he has no doubt worn a hole into his simulator at home over the winter and a new Bryson DeChambeau approach to golf, and well, let’s just say he is ready to unleash the beast. Double-Double’s last appearance in the FEDEX Cup final was a distant 8 years ago when he took down a former 375lb+ defensive tackle/ Commissioner. So let’s add it all up…drought, anger, new approach, motivated. Pencil in Double-Double to be in his first FEDEX Cup Final in 8 years.

TIM PRESCOTT 2-1 After meandering around the edges of the KWGA, Indianapolis Jones will finally play a full schedule on Tour in 2021. Jones did not qualify for the playoffs last season and has yet to win on Tour in 22 starts. However, six Top 3’s and a couple runner-up finishes during that span bely the true power of his combination of talent and handicap. Throw in a sprinkle of “zero fear”, winning the KenWo Masters pool and you have the makings of a breakout season. He is just the kind of golfer who could put the fear of God into an opponent come the Tour Championship. His only kryptonite is an Eagle Man, so if he can avoid him at breakfast each Saturday morning, look out. If the Eagle wants his porridge and brown sugar an hour earlier on a Saturday morning, well, all the CBD oil in The Valley won’t help his mental state one bit.

CHRIS RUSHTON 1-3 Yes, that’s right, bet $3 to win $1. Why you ask? Because the man has figured it out. 2020 saw Inspector Gadget win his second straight FEDEX Cup crown, coming from behind at the season ending Tour Championship to shock the #1 seeded Barry Hennigar by two strokes. It was a stroke of genius in a league that had not seen a back to back champion in what is without doubt the toughest title to win. Rushton enters 2021 in good shape and brimming with confidence after a winter honing his craft weekly on KenWo’s simulator and taking $10 a week off of former friends Nick and Scott . He will play every week, he will get a win and enough Top 3’s to hang around the top of the standings until the intensity hits fever pitch at The Northern Trust in early August. What’s the secret you ask? The ability to make birdies for a 15-17 handicap. He had a career high 9 last season and double figures is not out of the question in 2021. So go ahead, mark it down, Rushton will qualify Top 5 and be the favorite to take it all again this season… because as odds-makers always say, if it ain’t broke, it ain’t broke.