DICKIE, POIRIER JR. LOOK MAPLE READY!

It’s hard to believe but Saturday’s KWGA Canadian Open is the final major of the season. Last chance for romance and redemption and a chance to be immortalized in history. 600 big FEDEX Cup points to the winner as qualifying for some is in order while seeding for the playoffs for others. The favorites are clear once you look at the numbers and recent performance. Kevin Dickie has been red hot and consistent and looks to be the man to beat while Lucious Luc Poirier has been playig inspired golf every time he tees it up lately. If you think I pulled these predictions out of my tail pipe, the chart below should prove I have more than an anal fixation…I have facts.

HANDICAPPING THE FIELD

2-1 KEVIN DICKIE- His rookie season began rough, there is no way around that. He quickly found out that the KWGA is not a group of pushovers and he didn’t have the power to punish like he did his staff at Acadia. However, the last month has seen him grow from a simple shit larvae, to a more advanced and scary shitterpillar, and with a major championship this undeniably becomes a full blown and grown shit moth. The only thing that could hold him back Saturday you ask? Rushing through his round to get to a CFL game in Halifax on time. Good grief. That league still exists?

5-2 LUC POIRIER- Speaking of shit larvae. Nobody has improved and grown more over the last 2 calendar years. Things that got better and more resilient during COVID include roaches, earwigs…and yes Luc Poirier. The last month has been his finest hour and the rush is on to get in as much golf now as he can…because once the paramedic training begins, well, unless you want him to give you “mouth to mouth”, he isn’t going to be much use to you. Being a favorite and firing a 70 gross are heavy weights to bare but the latest results say it can happen.

4-1 WAYNE BURKE- He has been the most consistent major competitor this season with two 3rd place finishes. Grumblings of sore shoulders, back and wrists are starting to fall on deaf ears because you can’t cry “shit wolf” too many times…because no one comes to your defense or rescue after a while right? The fire still burns to be the best and I am sure he is tired of hearing about his Boy Toy buddy Johnson bragging about HIS major championship earlier this year. Let’s all just hope that two trophies don’t end up in the same car to Hants County. Who would get a word in edge-wise then?

5-1 BARRY HENNIGAR- Nobody ever pays any attention to Barry. If you don’t believe me, just go thumb through a Horton High School Year Book circa 1983. He had all the girls running away in hysterics. Ironically, that is the plan this Saturday as he flies under the radar. Narrowly missing out at The Masters and two sub 70 net scores in the last month prove that he can do more than make girls cry. It was only just three years ago he won this title. Don’t count him out.

11-2 JOHN AMIRAULT- The Sheriff has not had his best season on Tour to date. Too many wild church parties and business road shows in the city seemed to have derailed the heavy handed dock yard goon. However, what most didn’t see last week was an outburst of birdies not seen before from him on Tour. Six in total and a 77 gross shows that when he gets the driver in the fairway, putts for birdie early, the concentration grows like the blood filled flesh bubbles after too many spicy tacos. God help us if he wins this week.

6-1 CHRIS RUSHTON- Ho-humming his way around Tour this year has been The Gadget. Other than a 3rd place finish at The Masters, his season has been like licking on a cardboard box. It’s food… but is it enjoyable? He may walk around like he doesn’t care but that’s where he fools you. Still without a major championship or a birdie on Tour this season, if he gets one early this week, call in The Mounties because someone is getting hurt. 15 handicap strokes are there at his disposal so if he can avoid early and late calamity funnier things have happened.

7-1 GARY JOHNSON- Now that Patrice Bergeron has finally mercifully retired, Gary can finally concentrate on his golf game full time because the Bruins are going down the toilet with Brad Marchand as captain…captain…can you imagine? OK, so that didn’t have anything to do with Saturday but needed to be said. Gary broke through earlier this year winning his first major at The Masters and is brimming with confidence. However, he has struggled dealing with his new single digit handicap for a month now and it weighs on him like Bidy’s household instructions. Good luck Gary.

8-1 RAY IVANY- So, back to work eh? Ever since he was dragged back into employment, The Chancellor once again, being a great golfer becomes hard again. His results have not been terrible but just ordinary, and to win a major, your score can’t be ordinary. He will also be in a rush Saturday as CFL has him all excited for some reason. I mean, CFL? The last time I watched a CFL game the Eskimos were playing the Rough Riders. Ivany hasn’t had much luck in majors this season, a 10th being his best so far, so 3-4 birdies will be necessary to win…and we know Dickie will be driving him like Miss Daisy to Halifax if that happens.

9-1 DEREK THOMSON- Up and down like a YoYo. Week after week the KWGA fans scratch their heads wondering what they are going to get from The Commissioner. He would tell him all if he knew himself. KenWo’s worst Par 3 player will need to find a way to hit those greens or all the salt water in his shorts will never have a chance to evaporate before sitting on those dining room chairs after the round. He would also like to remind everyone else that has a gland problem that July and August are NOT the months to wear white or tan shorts on a hot summer’s day. Lord, give me the strength…and a few dinner rolls.

10-1 BRUCE FAGAN- Usually it is Mike White who is the most difficult player to handicap but not this week. Fagan has struggled with injury the last two weeks, having to withdraw each time. So what is more important, the injury or the fact that he just won a major three short weeks ago? Never in any trouble on the golf course, Fagan could be a professional ball searcher for his group. However, it’s going to be a difficult climb no matter what happens Saturday as he will be using the first few holes to see if he can even swing it like he wants to.

11-1 GERRY ELLIOTT- This 11-1 evaluation is going to go over as well as a lead balloon I am sure, but heck, NAYSA can’t even get a rocket off the ground anymore either! Double Double has struggled the last two weeks and his best finish in a major this year is 10^th. What many don’t realize is that Double Double and I have more in common than a love for Canadian maple donuts. We both like winning. You don’t make 32 birdies on tour in 14 weekends and roll over and play dead, so I don’t expect that to happen here Saturday. Expect better than his previous moribund 10^th and 11^th place finishes in majors so far this season…or let it rain free maple donut vouchers.

12-1 MIKE WHITE- Figuring out what Mike White will shoot on any given day is more difficult than figuring out whose DNA is whose at an adult film festival. Movies aside, The Phog did set a record for lowest net score in KWGA history just a couple of weeks ago so you know he can go low. However, the last three events have been a train wreck with more shrapnel peeling off his clubs than cling-ons off a horses’s arse during the Highland Games parade. The KWGA’s second winningest player will surprise you when you count him out or leave him alone in public for that matter. It wouldn’t surprise me. My sleeper pick.

13-1 TIM PRESCOTT- Life has changed this summer. I keep waiting for someone to slap me silly and say it ain’t so…but I toad a so. Has it affected his golf? The numbers would say it has as Indianapolis Engaged has not had a sub 70 net round in over a month AND he is eating salad now after rounds? I don’t know who this is and that’s not a recipe for winning a major. On the plus side is that he still doesn’t fear a bad swing or bounce, never shies away from a challenge and knows his way through the murky woods that is Black Rock River Lake Three Pools or wherever the frig you don’t have to pay taxes and can grow more than four plants. Giver hell and swing for the fences Timmy Boy.

14-1 KEVIN POIRIER- 2023 KWGA Husband of the Year candidate. Just like his golf game lately, his wife wandered the woods aimlessly and alone in the pitch dark during the province’s worst thunder, lightning and flooding in 100 years, dragging her “just not” golf bag all the while. It’s a pose Mr. Wildcat has modeled too much this season. It is a wonder he is even being allowed to compete this Saturday. Maybe that will free him up to fire a 70 something gross and take home some money to buy his wife a tent in case she has to hike 5 kms through the woods again. Or maybe a louder ring tone for his phone would work to wake him up the next time she calls in distress. Zzzzzzzzzzzz.

15-1 HAROLD FISHER- Not sure if you have noticed but Mr. October has been searching for a hot streak all season long. Only one Top 3 all season and the majors have not been so kind either. Personally I think it is because he misses The Rocket and all that he brought to his life. We all search and miss those symbiotic relationships, a mushroom on a fallen log, a lurch latched onto a child’s ankle after a summer lake swim. Beautiful. Delicious. Listen, the man has 19 career wins on Tour and his first major just two seasons ago; it’s like riding a bike…or building a clubhouse…you never forget.

16-1 NICK LEVY- This guy reminds me of Dirty Harry. He doesn’t show up much in your life, but when he does, you know there will be blood, you just are never sure if it’s going to be his or yours. Just for the record, if he shoots 75, it’s YOUR blood.The 2015 Masters champion would have more hardward, but his kids played hockey growing up. A neck injury this summer also hasn’t helped him but he doesn’t have $20,000 hot tub in his backyard to help in recovery. Everyone cheers for Nick…the longest shot in the field only because he plays golf this summer as much as my brother played Miss Dress Up with my sister’s clothes growing up.