BE-LEAF IN YOURSELF!
FROM WORST NIGHTMARE…TO 19th WET DREAM
Like Jesus Christ…where there was once nothing…now there is victory. So it was Saturday afternoon for Commissioner Ford and his always positive golf demeanor as the KWGA’s leader cajoled and ultimately bullied his competition for his 19th career victory at the 2023 KWGA Kick-Off Classic. The Commissioner held off a furious rally from Indianapolis Jones, a game Scottie “Showcase” and a surprise entry, Captain Shitacular himself, Nickolai Levy. “It’s really been about getting out my Toronto Maple Leaf angst.” said a relieved Commissioner. “Going through silent Hell every other night watching my team is not easy. I had to find a way to direct my energies away from just watching hockey and exhausting bowel movements.”
After a 95 on Thursday, not much was expected of The Commissioner heading into the Kick-Off Classic, couple that with a few first tee snafus early Saturday morning, and calamity was easily an option. However, a solid range session and some positive banter around the green changed the outlook of your fearless leader. That was until the toddler sized eyes and blank stare of “Third” Legge came into view. The realization came quick that he had arrived at KenWo after an hour’s drive from Dartmouth…but wasn’t listed in the draw. “You have to chalk that snafu up to some simple shit tectonics.” said an exasperated Commissioner. “Two seismic shit plates colliding. That’s what happens when Wolfville and Canning meet in the middle. It was a shit blender combination of a three year Legge hiatus and some new KenWo tee time booking procedures.” said the Commissioner as he wiped the last of the shit splatter from his KWGA blazer. “I didn’t feel good about things, but in the end, you have to go out and perform under any and all circumstances if you want to be a pro.” A missed three footer for par on #1 was followed by another missed three footer for birdie on #6 and the boo birds were out in New Minas. The rally would start with a birdie on #10 and three more threes heading to the 17th hole. “I scraped it around #17 like a Doberman with elephantitis of its testicles.” said the Commissioner. “Finally got to the green and rammed in a forty footer for par when I had no business doing so. I had to listen to Carey chirp me about being lucky of all things. I mean the guy just had Sasperilla poisoning and his lateral adenoids taken out two weeks ago and I have to listen to that? Whatever. I will take home the win just like he takes those Northern BC minnows he catches every summer. Prick.”
“REALLY? You are here Legger? But…but…but…you didn’t sign up.”
If you don’t know who Captain Shitacular is, well, just drop into a few minor league rinks and you are bound to run into him, or just ask his kids, because they are at KenWo more than he is. The sexy, smiley, burly New Minas debutante did what he does once in a while on the KWGA Tour, come to the course and hammer on people that think he can’t play. If you weren’t sure, Shitacular birdied his first hole Saturday and never looked back, staying attached to the top of the leaderboard all day. “Yeah, ok, I surprised myself today. Reminded me of my high school dance career really, lots of people giggling at me, snickers from my friends. I hear these KWGA guys acting the same way when I show up for an event. At least I wasn’t wearing bell bottom pants and a bowl haircut today like I was at the dances.” said a downcast yet stern Shitacular. “I will be back again soon. Make my words boys…make my words.”
Making things interesting is what Indy Jones is known for, depending on each individuals perspective of course, and that’s just what the hairless Hab fan did, poaching birdies at #14, #16 and finally #18 to climb within two strokes of the lead and send a shudder down the pant leg of a scoreboard watching Commissioner. I mean, who birdies those three holes on the same day? The Back Nine 34 gross was the best on the course and reminded everyone that he may not have a Florida beachside condo anymore…but he still knows how to scare the shit out of his competition…and his neighbours. “Can’t say enough about his golf game.” said The Commissioner. “Plays with zero fear and miraculously gets along with Razor Ray. Strange bedfellows I say. I mean can you picture the two of them in Ray’s Acadia Office? I can’t. But watch the two of them in The Turn after any round and you would swear they were separated at birth. It’s like mixing sausage with ice cream, but I am sure someone out there likes that.”
Saturday was also a throwback day of sorts as Scottie “Showcase” turned back the clock, firing a 76 gross that included birdies at #7, #8 and #12. The back to back birdies were his first on Tour since Canada invaded the United States, giving him third place and $17 he can put toward a customized power cart. The good part is that he can test drive carts in his dog’s 38 acre backyard pleasure dome. “There isn’t a blade of grass left behind his house now so I don’t know how he can smile so much.” said a bemused Commissioner. “I guess he is happy about it because he doesn’t have mow anymore? All I know is NASA or the SPCA, or whoever is in charge of dogs and space, will never be taking his dogs from him, they have more area to live and play in on the property than he does. Nice to see Scottie play well again just the same!”
A SHITLINER COMES ASHORE
A dubious name was added to a dubious distinction list Saturday as Grampy Burke became the 4th KWGA’er to find the drink with a bag of clubs and or power caddy. After miraculously surviving 17 holes on its maiden voyage, Grampy’s said power caddy careened out of control, narrowly missing onlookers, finally settling into the deepest part of the ditch and muck that is protects the 18th green. KWGA Network caught up to Grampy following the round. “I got counting money in my head and forgot that my clubs were 90 yards head of me. It’s like shitting your pants…it happens to everyone.” Thankfully the event was caught on camera for posterity sake. Grampy joined a prestigious list that includes The Sheriff (Pond on #5), Bobby Clobber (Pond on #4) and The Commissioner (Pond on #18).
MEMBER POSTS