FEDEX CUP UPDATE

IT’S REIGNING A SHIT RAT!
BEANTOWN GARY WINS BMW CHAMPIONSHIP
JOHNSON, K. POIRIER, PRESCOTT, ELLIOTT ADVANCE

AP-(Wolfville, NS.)  It’ official. The nail has become the hammer. With yet another win yesterday, his fifth of the season, “Beantown” Gary pounded on his competition, sending him into the Tour Championship as the #1 seed with a 77 gross (69 net) in yet another exhibition of just what retirement can do for a golf game. Last week’s 85 and last place finish had some doubting the Hants County hammer but he fooled them all once again, holding off a fast charging Indianapolis Engaged, “Flood Watch” Poirier and Double-Double. “It’s just time people started looking at me as a golfer and not with crooked eyes and giggles.” said a matter of fact Beantown from his library study in Hantsport following the round. “I know me and winning is tough for people to wrap their heads aroud but five wins isn’t lucky. It just goes to prove it can happen to anyone who tries their best. Hey, even nerds can wear a pair of Air Jordans too right?”

Beantown took over the FEDEX lead once again on the fifth hole with a string of five solid pars and a Front Nine 37, serving notice to Indy and Double-Double that they would have to make birdies to win and that Mr. Floodwatch would have to make one himself. Three consecutive bogies to start the Back Nine meant a renewed focus or all his season’s work could expire and the name calling would begin a new. “Took some deep breaths and remembered what Bidy told me before I left the house this morning.” said Beantown. “Beat Wayne…and you have lots of things to do when you get home. This is the last of your free time this week…so enjoy it.”

By day…Bi night…I’m coming next week Gary!

Matching 75’s for Double-Double and Indy were not enough to overtake Beantown as the birdies were hard to come by on a day pins were tucked away on greens like anal beads on an adult movie set, however, both looked ahead to next Saturday’s showdown. “I haven’t dealt with anal beads in a long time but this Beantown guy is another story.” said Indy from his banana hammock in Black Rock River Lake Falls just outside of New Minas. “The guy has found the key to his game this season. It may take a 4+ birdies and a 71 gross to beat him if this keeps up. I will be able to look into his eyes next week which works in my favor. I know he is attracted to me so I plan on making it more difficult on him by wearing something cute and maybe tight.”

“Honey…please wake up and answer your phone! It’s cold and wet out here!”

For his part, Mr. Floodwatch looked like he was ready to shock the world and continue his climb atop the standings with all the focus on Beantown and his own son heading into the round. A solid 39 Front was however followed by double bogies at #14 and #18 effectively knocking him from the #1 seed heading into next Saturday. “I just hope that those two strokes I threw away don’t cost me a championship.” said the former scrappy second bagger. “It’s been a long time since I have been in this position and I want to take advantage of it. I have already taken enough heat for missing my wife’s emergency call during the apocolyptic rain storm last month, I don’t want to add a lost FEDEX crown to that list.”

The tree that fell in the forest Saturday was the battle for the fourth and final spot in the Final Four at next week’s Tour Championship. Grampy held a net three stroke lead on Tim Horton’s finest as he stood on the 17th tee…but inexplicably, it would all come crashing in like a big, giant shit wave of uncontrollable diarrhea, eroding away at the Hant’s County Spitfire’s beach of happiness, one shit wave and stroke at a time. A double bogey 7 on #17 was followed by a triple bogey 7 on the 18th, forcing Grampy to adorn an emergency technicolor shitcoat following the round just in an effort to keep it from staining him for life. “Really not sure what happened. Sometimes you get caught in an undertoe of a shit wave and there isn’t a thing you can do about it.” said a perturbed Grampy as he wiped the shit from his ensemble following the round. “I finally had Gerry backed into a corner, ready to extinguish that shitterpillar’s life-cycle…but I failed. All I can do now is dust myself off and get ready for next week and forget about all of this shit, and maybe buy a new shirt.”

For full FEDEX Cup Playoff points and bracket breakdown, go to STANDINGS-FEDEX CUP PLAYOFFS.