SCORE ONE FOR MYRTLE!

Grampy Tips the Bottle at The Captain

As renowned English poet and writer Robert Southey wrote in 1809, “Curses are like young chickens, they always come home to roost.” So it was Saturday afternoon at the Captain Crazy Invitational as our beloved Grampy’s 49 winter rounds in Myrtle Beach, SC cruelly came home to roost for the rest of the KWGA. The Windsor Spitfire rammed in bomb after bomb on the greens to snatch victory by one shot from tough as nails “Toucan” Carey. Rumour has it that the duo even joked about a day like this while playing together in Myrtle Beach back in February. “Contrary to popular belief, you CAN put a price on early season success on the KWGA Tour.” said a hurried Grampy. “Nick and I tallied up our costs for wintering down South and it came to just under $33,000 for the two of us, and that doesn’t include the Captain Morgan that was imbibed. Our wives can say what they want but it’s all worth it, winning a $16 rang and a couple of Top 3 finishes every now and again. That’s priceless.”

Heading into the round, the focus for Grampy was making sure he made it to the Windsor Arena on time for his 2pm face-off, so much so, that when it became apparent he may not make it on time, Grampy put the boots to one playing partner, The Sheriff, on the 13th hole, trimming the group to 3 golfers in a heartbeat. “The guy was all over the place and telling jokes I wouldn’t tell to a prison guard.” said a disgusted Grampy. “He had to go for the good of everyone. Sneezing, clattering change in his pockets, he tried it all to rattle me today but it just didn’t work in the end. Greasy.” A pedestrian 39 gross on the outward nine was followed by a stretch of fantastic golf for Grampy starting at #10. Four straight pars followed by a birdie at #14 (that cut off The Commissioner), a par at #15, #17 and finally a 39 footer for par at #18 that snatched victory from the Costa Rican Nightmare “Toucan” Carey. The callous nature of the putt was punctuated by a Brad Marchand/Rene Rancourt arm roll and fist pump that had onlookers on hole #17 rolling their eyes in disdain. “If you can’t beat ’em, join ’em and act like ’em.” said a beaming Grampy from the foul smelling locker room of the Windsor Arena. “I had a tough week with the Leafs losing and all my bets. Today was redemption. Last week I was lucky, winning an $80 rang, this week I was just good.”

Also making noise this week was a blast from the recent past, Double-Double, whose grand opening week on the Timmy’s scene was punctuated with a 3 birdie day and $32 in rang winnings to help pay off a certain franchise fee. Birdies at #3, #8 and #13 highlighted a TimBit Day en route to his first Top 3 of the season and 26th of his career. “The old glint in the eye and grit of the lower molars was back.” said an impressed Commissioner. “The last time I saw that was in the 2014 FEDEX Finals. I think seeing the 15-1 odds pre-round gave him a kick in the arse. He could have been 4 shots better as well. He had some shortish putts that didn’t find the bottom but that will come I’m sure.” Darts at #3 and #8 belied the swirling gale winds that approached 60 km/hour on the outward nine serving notice that the sidespin is starting to leave his golf ball. “Just a fun day out there.” said a pleased Double Double. “We had food, drinks and told bedtime stories out there. Not many know that I wanted to crack my wife back, in the arm, after the Bruins came back and won Wednesday night.”

Other highlights from Saturday included a KWGA first…a “First to Worst” in one week as Bip couldn’t recapture the magic of just one week ago when he won the Flower Cart Classic. He found the right woods 30 feet right of #2 tee, a pant and chemise mud splattering iron from the creek on #4 and the grassy knoll just right of #10 green…off #11 tee. “Needless to say it was a difficult and different day.” said a humbled yet smiling Bip. “Golf is an elusive game for me. Every obstacle I missed last week…I found this week. They make good soup in the kitchen at least.” The Commissioner’s day was a tale of two nines. After a wild and scary 44 outward nine, he caught fire in The Valley with 3 birdies and a 34 gross total. Finally, not known for his golf attire, The Hunchback dug out the chapeau deluxe circa Old Tom Morris in claiming 2 birdies and a 4th place finish when all seemed to be lost coming into the event. Great job Kevin!

UPDATE:

CHASE FOR THE PEARL NECKLACE

Just two weeks into The Chase and Grampy has served notice that loads are his specialty as he has already captured 5 pearl points. He garnered points this week for (a) winning a tournament (b) lowest net total within his group (c) scoring a 35 gross on the Back 9 (d) 14+ pars or better in a round and (e) having a lower net score than KenWo celebrity Rene MacKay. Bip remained at 3 points this week while Double Double gobbled up 3 ropes with his highlight filled round yesterday. The Commissioner, The Hunchback and “Toucan” Carey also unloaded for 2 pearl points this week. You can see the complete standings at STANDINGS-PEARL NECKLACE. 

NEWS, NOTES & QUOTES

The 4th Reich from the shed of his In-laws property in Ontario.

*After a week off to pilgrimage to Ontario, The 4th Reich will make his return to Tour at next week’s Skoal Bandits Shootout. “The 4th Reich called me at 5pm Saturday and I could hear a sadness in his voice. Asking a million questions about the Captain Crazy Invitational and wanting to know what he missed. He loves his in-laws and all…but I think he loves The Tour more.”

*Good to see Air Bud make an appearance and send us off #1 tee Saturday morning. Rain threatened the event but alas, not a drop fell during the round. Apparently Air Bud needed the extra time to train his pooch for an upcoming dog show. “I set up a trapeze and hurdles course in my new backyard for him.” said a beaming Air Bud. “I can’t help it, every time I pick up my 7 iron to practice, he looks at me sidways with the saddest eyes…and I give in every time.”

*The long hours driving to Northern New Brunswick and Yarmouth for hockey games look to have taken their toll on Mr. Wildcat early in the 2018 season. Asked about it following Saturday’s round, Wildcat could only muster a few words. “Maybe I will get in the FEDEX playoffs as an alternate again.”

*The general consensus regarding the new “gimmie” policy looks to be all positive. Good idea Grampy. Lets stay with it fellas.

*Two more social events look to make a return in 2018, Tupperware Lake (July) and Gerry’s Old Towne Tavern (August). I will post the dates on the website once dates have been locked in.

*Sign-up and volunteers boxes have been posted on the website. The deadline to sign-up is Monday night @9pm.

*See you next week! ~The Commissioner