“LEGENDARY” PERFORMANCE

October Dawns on Legends Lounge

Fisher Takes Another KWGA Title Deep

There was just always something about that old brick and mortar facade in Coldbrook that would tingle my loins, kinda like the same feeling I would get climbing the rope in gym class back in middle school. With that being the inspiration and sometimes backdrop for this tournament, Saturday’s Legends Lounge Memorial was the 5th edition and one man stood above the rest on a brisk and chilly May morning at KenWo GC. Mr. October, most known for his late season pushes, has now become Mr. Spring after completing his 8th career victory with a three stroke victory over The Commissioner with a commanding 83 gross (64 Net). Maxwell-Smart rounded out the Top 3 with a 3 birdie performance and a 76 gross (69 Net) securing his best standing of 2018. For Mr. October, being the hunted for the first month of the KWGA season was an uncomfortable feeling, but Saturday’s breakthrough ended all of that in a heartbeat. “It was good to get out early in the first group before the gallery gathered around the first tee. That constant aimless banter on the practice green before I play irks me. Especially some of the things that are said.” said a relaxed Mr. October. “Those guys think their jokes are funny, the farting, the giggling. It’s ridiculous. The guys I played with today, I know all of their jokes, farts and stories before they can even get them out of their mouths etc, so they can’t upset my game.”

Teeing off #1 Mr. October was a 2-1 favorite to win, and his start didn’t dissuade any of those thoughts. Pars at #1, #2, #6 and #9 rounded out a front nine 42 that positioned him well. A birdie at #11 was the spring board and cushion he would need heading into The Valley, a section of the course that has historically given the dual Valley dweller fits. A par at #12 meant October stood at -12 for the tournament and only a repeat of last week would stand in his way. “I remembered last week very well.” said Mr. October. “I came apart at the seams on #16 and threw away a win. That wasn’t going to happen again. I just feel different this year. The stress of having to be a taxi cab company is gone. Now I can meander to the course on my own time. Read the newspaper on the toilet if I want to. You know, normal guy things. I just got in my happy place in The Valley and tried to avoid the big number.” His only double bogey of the day would come at the Par 4 18th hole, but with several strokes in hand, the breathing was easy heading up to the clubhouse for October. “We even had a special guest to talk to for an hour while waiting for the rest of the field to finish.” said October. “Service with a smile I say.”

“Another Runner-up finish. There is no justice.” ~The Commissioner

For the second week in a row, the poor Commissioner finished a tantalizing and frustrating runner-up, even after a blazing final 11 holes that saw him bag 4 birdies in front of D.O.G. Shooter MacKay who had ironically proclaimed on #10 tee that “He was coming after me on the Back Nine.” The scope of his unluckiness was further exacerbated by seeing three of those birdies be cut off for rang possibilities. “People can say what they want about me. Yes, maybe I am the Phil Hellmuth of golf, crybaby, whiner, whatever you wanna call me.” said a finger-wagging Commissioner. “These guys don’t live in my skin so they have no idea. The bad bounces, the sweating, the teasing, the constant emails from The Sheriff and The Rocket. Some of these guys win rangs with pars and have the nerve to shake their heads at me in disgust after I have a 4 birdie day. I had a 21 handicap cut me off twice. What a joke.” The only bright spot for The Commissioner Saturday turned out to be a miracle par save at #18 that cut off Shooter MacKay for a rang. “OK, so my 24 footer would have ended up in the pond if it hadn’t gone in. So what? The guy challenged me on the 10th tee and got what he deserved in the end. A high and hard one buddy!”

Rounding out the Top 3 this week was none other than the man who brought the cold North wind from his cold North Mountain abode, Mr. Maxwell-Smart, who came out of KWGA mothballs to blister the course for 3 birdies on a day that saw 19 total for the field. Birdies at #3, a chip in at #9 and finally a deuce at #11 spearheaded his attack back into relevance once again. Blame it on fall hunting, spring flings or whatever you want but the North Mountain Man has been seen in the Top 3 as frequently as that big hairy bastard Samsquanch has in British Columbia’s northern forests. “Bob carries on like golf anonymity doesn’t bother him, but I know better.” said a matter of fact Commissioner. “He takes his results very seriously, like when his dog gets scared and gets stuck under the veranda, you can see the pain in his face. Personally, I know what a lot of guys say when he isn’t around, but I personally was happy to see him in contention again today. Let’s hope he can keep it going the rest of the season.”

CHASE FOR THE PEARL NECKLACE UPDATE

Bouyed by his tournament win this week, Mr. October jumped into the lead in this season’s Chase for the Pearl Necklace. He picked up points for (a) winning a tournament (b) Scoring a 65 or better Net (c) beating Rene MacKay net (d) securing 4 KWGA tee times and (e) picking up a bonus point for taking the pink basket up to the bar following the round. The Commissioner also jumped ahead of Grampy with 3 points this week while Grampy himself holds firm in third place with 5 points. However, Grampy will not be competing at next Saturday’s Gigglers Invitational so the Windsor Spitfire will miss out on a BLUE TEE day that is good for 1 point for the season. Apparently, as part of his work release program, he must visit Ontario once a month and or spend at least $2,000 online or within in the province’s borders. “Have a great trip, again, buddy.”

DOGS AND GOLF…A PERFECT MARRIAGE?

“It’s OK, good boy. You were supposed to get my golf ball. At least this is a start.” ~Air Bud

A golf 9-1-1 has been officially issued for Air Bud, whose 2018 season has started out with a thud. The left-handed bombshell has been mired in an early season slump that some have begun to attribute to his prized two year old golden retriever at home. Expecting a bubbly, lively and rambunctious K9 pup, Air Bud was forced to delve deeper, and spend close to $5,500 on vet charges to diagnose that his dog is….lazy? His vet is so concerned that if you see a four legged bombshell tied to Bud’s pull cart during KWGA rounds, you will know the reason why. “I know it is against KenWo policy, but I have petitioned the Board to allow me to take my dog with me out on the course.” said Air Bud. “It’s important to train dogs to bark, be active and chase balls, bones or whatever else tickles his fancy.” We wish Bud good luck in teaching his dog how to be a dog.

CHESTER GOLF UPDATE- MAY 26

As of this writing, 11 golfers have signed up for our Chester romp in 2 weeks on May 26. We are looking at getting tee times between 10:15am-12pm. Nobody needs to be getting up at 6am to be on the road for 7am and rushing to get there! Some people have expressed interest in staying down in Chester for the shindig at The Shore Club to party with The Usual Suspects. Therefore, we are forced to move Burkie’s BBQ until later in the summer. I will update you once Wayne finds a suitable replacement date. The deadline to sign up for golf in Chester is this THURSDAY NIGHT MAY 17. I will be calling Dan Fraser in Chester on Friday morning May 19 to tell him how many tee times we need.

SOCIAL EVENTS UPDATE

The 2018 KWGA Social Calendar will soon be here so I wanted to update everyone as there has been some shuffling around since it was first posted. You can find all scheduled events updated, just put your mouse over the SOCIAL EVENTS tab and a drop down menu will appear. Any event that I have confirmed dates for have been provided.” The following is what I know for sure at this writing.

SATURDAY JUNE 2-TRAINOR WHEELS” BBQ (Wolfville)- Bob Trainor hosting following the Ryder Cup.

SATURDAY JULY 7- TUPPERWARE LAKE (Tupper Lake)- Mike and Mark hosting.

SATURDAY JULY 21- CHEESEBURGER PICNIC (Aylesford Lake)- Harold Fisher hosting.

NEWS, NOTES & QUOTES

*Weird fact of the Day– Captain Darrell Albano-Cook has played 2 KWGA rounds this season, but because of tee times being spread out or post round unavailability, I have not seen him. “I like to keep a close watch on people, especially rookies.” said a concerned Commissioner. “We aren’t going to shave him so he doesn’t need to hide or worry. We aren’t in High School anymore.”

The Sheriff’s first client reported a rousing success.

*KWGA Injury Report- The list is growing boys so lets start doing a few things to stave off injuries and increase stamina and longevity. Things like (a) Getting to the course a little earlier, stretching before you play for once…Jesus H. boys! (b) cutting back on the Friday night benders (c) ice those achy joints once in a while…or just drop in to Doug Irwin’s for a hot tub bath with him, his wife and 3 roomates. His new deck is finally complete! Yippeeeee! (d) Take 2 freaking ibuprofen an hour before you tee off! That ain’t rocket appliances! and finally (e) The Sheriff has opened his own wing at Shari Fleckenboner’s salon…your first three appointments are free.

*2018 RYDER CUP- Saturday June 2- The 4th Reich has accepted an invitation to be one of the Ryder Cup captains for this year. I am still waiting to hear back from another possible candidate and will post it once I have heard back. The 4th Reich used usual professional “coach speak” to downplay the pressure and importance of this coveted title. “Zuesrt, mochte ich, dass jeder weib , dass ich vorhabe, Gary Johnson Arsch zu treten, wenn das Huhn es akzeptiert.” Translation..He doesn’t think Gary will accept to be his opponent because he is scared.

*HAPPY MOTHER’S DAY!- A special thank-you to all KWGA moms out there who do all that they do in addition to letting your husbands out to play golf on Saturday mornings. I would never get to see some of these men without your consent. A special thanks to “Mrs. Chris” for all that she has done for me in the last 12 months!

*SEE YOU NEXT WEEK!