IT JUST EVENED OUT!
 Grampy Slams The Door at The Players 

AP- Wolfville, NS
Sunday July 12, 2020.

The long wait is over. After 7 seasons, 21 majors played and 130 career tournaments, the KWGA’s best player to have never won a Major broke through in dramatic and staggering fashion Saturday afternoon at The Players Championship in New Minas. The Windsor Spitfire carded a career personal best 68 gross, that included a birdie-birdie finish, to snatch victory away from Sex Tape Rob, the fisherman Nick Waszczuk-Carey and a bedazzled Air Bud. The win was his 16th career on Tour and a feather in the cap for a man that just six weeks ago fired a personal worst 96. “You can’t put a price tag on winning majors.” said a beaming and distracted Grampy from his truck as it raced to some unknown work destination following his win. “I could hear the whispers, guys chuckling behind my back, teasing me about not having a Major or my Grade 10. I think this should end that kind of childish behavior.”

Grampy’s round began solid as a rock with 7 consecutive pars before a birdie at the benign 8th hole, completing his Front Nine in just 34 strokes. Momentum was building for a man listed at 13-1 to win the event. “The Orchard is the key to winning. You can’t be over par on this stretch because you know, chances are, you are going to burn a couple of strokes in The Valley 5.” said Burke as he fiddled with his vehicle radio dials at 127 km/hr. However, Grampy was not the only golfer riding the wave of momentum as after-thoughts Sex Tape Rob and Waszczuk-Carey had plans of their own. The KWGA’s mason man fired a season low 42 on the Front Nine that has everyone scratching their heads in awe for a man who had seen scores over 100 in the last month. “Golf doesn’t come easy for me.” said Waszczuk-Carey. “Fishin’, and dating are a hell of a lot easier. All ya gotta do is cast your rod out and something will bite eventually. That’s not the case in golf.” For Sex Tape, a Front Nine 46 wasn’t spectacular but put him in the mix for his first Back Nine charge in a Major. “It’s a long drive back to Morden every day so I figured I might as well try and impress the wife for once. She doesn’t get all of this chasing a ball around stuff, especially on a Playstation.” said Sex Tape and his buddy Captain Amber from his deck in Morden.

 LEADERBOARD- THRU 9 HOLES 

-12 CAREY
-11 LOWE
-11 FISHER
-9 AMIRAULT
-8 WOODWORTH
-8 KENNY
-8 WHITE
-8 TRAINOR
-6 HENNIGAR
-6 RUSHTON
-6 T.THOMSON
-5 SIMMONS
-5 BURKE

Grampy would close the gap to 5 strokes after traversing The Orchard in even par, while Lowe and Carey would each burn two strokes to par. Also, right in the hunt was Mr. October and The Sheriff, men who scratch and claw week after week, trying to find that Valley Magic. However, like his law enforcement career, The Sheriff would crash and burn in The Orchard, burning 7 strokes to par and ending his own chances for his virgin major. “Everyone should feel lucky I didn’t bring my old billy club to the course with me today.” said The Sheriff. “I was so mad after those 4 holes I would have broken any kneecap within swinging range! Trump would surely have hired me to keep those protestors from walking the streets I know that.”

 LEADERBOARD- THRU 13 HOLES 

-10 CAREY
-10 FISHER
-9 LOWE
-8 WOODWORTH
-8 KENNY
-8 WHITE
-6 HENNIGAR
-5 BURKE

Grampy would bogey the 16th hole, a bogey that should have ended his chance at the title. That after watching playing partner Inspector Gadget birdie the same hole after two nutted 3 woods and a ten foot putt. The concern could be seen written all over Grampy’s face as he trudged to the 17th tee. “I just kept thinking, you know, it could be worse.” said a reflective Grampy. “Life could be really nasty. I mean bogies are bad and all but in a less than ideal world I could be in prison forced to perform cell gymnastics with a 6’6 body builder. That’s what I kept telling myself over and over. THAT, and well, after the round, I am driving somewhere in Nova Scotia to make another 20K on sprinklers.” Mr. October would drop out of contention on the 14th hole with a disastrous quadruple bogey 9. A hailstorm of bogies would follow that but he took it in stride. “You have to remember, by the 14th hole, I have been up for 13 hours already. I get tired. Don’t judge me, it’s almost my bed time for chrissakes.”

 LEADERBOARD- THRU 16 HOLES 

-8 CAREY
-8 LOWE
-6 WOODWORTH
-4 HENNIGAR
-4 BURKE

For Air Bud, the final two holes would encapsulate his KWGA career, at the brink of breaking through, yet somehow, someway, someone would always take his lunch money. A spectacular Front Nine 34 included 3 birdies putting him smack dab in the hunt for his first major. A disappointing bogey at the 17th didn’t knock him out of it but would prove to make things difficult heading home. “I kept my shirt tucked in all day until that hole.” said a dog hair covered Air Bud from his mountain retreat. “A par there and maybe, just maybe, I get the job done today. Excuse me while I try and get the dogs out of the pool.” Conversely, Grampy would start his charge in earnest at the 17th with a well executed birdie, his third of the day. Ahead on the 18th, word quickly spread that both Sex Tape and Waszczuk-Carey had bogeyed 17…the fireworks were just beginning.

 LEADERBOARD- THRU 17 HOLES 

-7 CAREY
-7 LOWE
-5 WOODWORTH
-5 BURKE

When you smell blood in the water, you attack, and that’s just what Windor’s soon to be Mayor did on a hole that seems to suit his eye. The 18th has been a Bunny Ranch of sorts for Grampy, a place where he frolics and feels joys from head to toe, and Saturday would be no different. Although he didn’t know it at the time, his birdie putt on the final hole would cement his second greatest comeback victory of his career (See 2015 Fedex Cup Final vs Poirier), coming back from 7 strokes down on the Back Nine. Sex Tape and Waszczuk-Carey seemed powerless to stop Grampy’s charge, like when Hulk Hogan would start shaking, rise from the canvas, and make that face, that nothing can stop me now. Sex Tape and Waszczuk-Carey would both double bogey the 18th, sending both to the scrap heap known as major runners-up. “It felt good out there today. It isn’t often I am such an underdog but it suited me today.” said a finally parked Burkie after logging 316 km’s after his round. “No more hearing that line…best player to have not won a major. Now if you will excuse me, I have some business at home to attend to to complete my day.”

 LEADERBOARD- FINAL 

-6 BURKE
-5 CAREY
-5 LOWE
-5 WOODWORTH

Congrats Burkie!

 FEDEX CUP UPDATE 

Grampy’s win Saturday vaulted him all the way to 3rd place in the Race to The FEDEX Cup while Hennigar takes over top spot with another solid showing. Smiling Johnny Kenny quietly sits in second place while Trainor and Boston Gary hold down the Top 5 after a double point week. The Top 16 and ties qualify for the first round of the playoffs which will begin on Saturday August 15th with the Northern Trust Open. There are four (4) events left to garner points, including one major (Canadian Open- August 1 double points.). You can see the updated leaderboard at STANDINGS-FEDEX CUP STANDINGS.

 PEARL NECKLACE UPDATE 

Grampy also soared to the top of the Pearl Necklace standings Saturday, ticking off an incredible 9 boxes in one tournament for a total of 14 points. Johnny Kenny is a solid second with 10 points while Rushton, Maxwell, Johnson, MacKay and Hennigar round out the Top 3 with 9 points. Some big point weeks on the horizon so it should be a sprint to the gewy finish. See STANDINGS-PEARL NECKLACE for full update. I have also posted a spreadsheet on this page. Click on the link to see what tasks you have completed, and what tasks are within your reach. There are two tabs at the bottom of the spreadsheet, ORANGE (Leaderboard) and YELLOW (Full Task List).

 -COMMISSIONER’S NOTES- 

*Unfortunately, next week’s Cheeseburger Picnic is a GOLF ONLY event. There will be no Social Event at Harold’s in Aylesford following golf. It is also a Red, White and Blue tee day. Please see the Cheeseburger Picnic tournament tab for details…so that you don’t f*** up next Saturday and play from the wrong tee.

*If you are interested in your stats for the season, just go to TOUR SCHEDULE-TOUR STATISTICS. There are two tabs on the bottom of this spreadsheet HOLE BY HOLE (ORANGE) and LEADERBOARD (GREEN).

*Congrats to Gerry Elliott who joined the 100 Round Club Saturday. Also, to Kevin Poirier and Scott Woodworth who earlier this season passed this same benchmark. Chris Rushton will also hit this mark this Saturday at The Cheeseburger Picnic! Great job and dedication boys!

*Boys, I know we haven’t had an opportunity to gather as a group at a social event, but the hope is, somewhere down the line we can. That being said, some of us have thrown in our $30 dues for the year to sponsor said future events/prizes, while some of us haven’t. If you are unsure of where you stand dues wise, anyone I have received dues money from is listed on the ACCOUNTING page. So go ahead, click it and find out. E-Transfer me your $30 if you want IN.

Furthermore, you should check in with your league account once in a while to make sure you have funds to cover your weekly entry fee. Chris updates this each week. If you don’t have funds listed, you will want to E-transfer Chris some money so that you are covered to play. You can see this information at STANDINGS-MONEY LIST. Click on the link for the spreadsheet.

*Sign-Up and Tee Time Volunteer polls have been affixed to the website for next week’s tournament. Let’s get lots of volunteers again so that we are not so spread out.

*Thanks to Ray Ivany, Geoff Flecknell, Calvin Fraser and I am sure a dapperly clad Jordan Newcombe for joining us yesterday. Hope you had fun. Anytime.

*Lastly, thanks for checking in on me boys. My leg is healing but not ready to play yet. My hope and goal is defending my title at the Canadian Open on August 1. Until then, have fun out there!