After a 3 season drought, the waiting is over for our beloved Grampy. Burke fired a 3 over par 74 at Saturday’s Avon Lea Open for his first career KWGA title. “It feels good to finally be a winner, Jack!. This golf thing is pretty simple after all. Just hit it and run after it.”

Don’t look now but a runaway KWGA senior is on the loose. After a slow start to the 2015 season, Grampy Burke laid down his version of “Geriatric Justice” Saturday morning at Avon Valley GC with a stunning 74, dusting a field unfamiliar with the turtle-back greens, lack of hospitality cart, drinking water or needed EMT personnel en route to a 3 stroke victory. Burke’s round began with a bogie at #1, birdie at #2 and then a stretch where the Windsor Spitfire parred 11 of 12 holes in the middle of his round. The rock solid play made the jobs of Mr. October-Fisher, Double-Double, Fonda-Thomson and the golf star formerly known as KKK almost impossible. “I know I whine a lot about playing this course but I don’t think having an event at Avon Valley could have come at a better time for me personally.” said Grampy. “Picking up 25 FEDEX points and a wild purple orchid isn’t such a bad day…considering all my tournament winnings grew wings and flew away after the round.” said Grampy. “It feels good to finally get a win though. I’d say I am back in the running for the FEDEX playoffs now, don’t you?”

Saturday also saw the continued solid play of Mr. October-Fisher whose 2nd place finish vaulted him from 8th to 3rd in the FEDEX standings. His birdie at #1 got his round rolling and the Aylesfloridian only managed to drop the hammer on his own thumb once all day with a triple bogey 6 on the 11th hole. “It really doesn’t matter what course I play, my ball flight is made for any course and any terrain. It has to be, I have no choice.” said October-Fisher. “Whenever I feel things slipping on the golf course I just start thinking about sexting and any golf anxiety just fades away. It’s a great way to just let go.” Double-Double’s solid 3rd place finish took him to top spot in the FEDEX standing while Mr. Wildcat slipped into the 8th spot with yet another final round total of 80.

“You mean we have to go back out there?” -The Thomson, Thomson, Johnson Brothers

After what seemed like an eternal Front 9, the foursome of Kelley and the Thomson, Thomson and Johnson Brothers had to be forcibly dragged from the clubhouse to the 10th tee Saturday afternoon in a scene straight out of Slap Shot. The group tallied 190 strokes for the first 9 holes and resembled the Charleston Chiefs after yet another bench-clearing brawl. In fact, Fonda-Thomson and Telly-Kelley both were forced to take Standing 8 Counts while dry heaving on the Back 9. “I looked up and around for help to see if the Dept. of Lands and Forests had a chopper in the sky.” said Commissioner Ford. “I did think I heard one at one point. They must have been out looking for Waldo-Murray. It felt like we were out there all alone though. I never again want to have to choose between giving my brother or Telly-Kelley mouth-to-mouth resuscitation…and you wonder why I shot 91?”

Waldo-Murray waves “goodbye” to his friends and “hello” to Apple Blossom festivities Saturday morning.

KWGA Infomercial

Have you ever felt broken, depressed or just plain empty about the game of golf? Are you twitching or talking involuntarily in your sleep? Maybe you just shot your worst round in 10 years, or maybe you just got knocked out of your hockey playoffs in Germany. Well stop worrying and spending the next 37 nights pounding balls on the range…or watching the video of that final playoff loss for the 28th time. I know it’s frustrating and I know you just wanna kick the snot out of the neighbour’s dog…or even one of your golfing buddies who turns up missing. Some doctors would probably prescribe medications and some witch doctors may ask you to sacrifice that neighbour’s dog. Guys, the fix is easier than you think. Never resort to violence and certainly don’t get hooked on prescription medications because of a bad golf score…all you need is the internet.

In a recent poll, 17 out of 26 KWGA members said that “escaping” on the internet after a bad round is the best way to deal with golf anger, depression and anxiety…or a wicked slice. ~Men’s Golf Health Magazine

News, Notes & Quotes

-Our condolences go out to Nick Carey and his family for their loss this past week. We look forward to seeing you with us on the links once again very soon. ~Commissioner Ford.

–Moment of the Week– Congrats to Mr. Wildcat on this season’s first “shank par”. There aren’t many golfers who can recover after shanking a golf ball on a hole, but that’ just what Kevin did. The Commissioner forgets what hole it was on…but does it matter? “The surprising part was just how proud he was of his accomplishment.” said Commissioner Ford.

–Quote of the Week– “Holy fack bud. Is that a sweat stain or did you just get hit by an elephant’s embryonic sac?”~Anonymous…It was 88 degrees after all.

-Thanks again to Kevin for his “breakfast” and Wayne and his wife for hosting us after the Avon Lea Open. Your homes and all their amenities were just what was needed for a group of golfers who struggled mightily in the wind and heat that was Saturday in Windsor. Especially the pool! The Commissioner is proud to say he was the first, and only, KWGA member to take the plunge into the 66 degree water. “You better vacuum the bottom of your pool Wayne. That water felt REALLY good when I jumped in.”

-Next week we are back at KenWo for The Other Blossom Invitational. Make sure you sign up on the website…and remember…we need volunteers…because if we don’t have tee times…we ain’t got nuffin’.

See you next week!

~The Commissioner