PLAYERS LOCKER ROOM

KENWOLIA LANE

June 23, 2015

After a day of rain Monday that washed out most practice rounds, Tuesday looks to take on a different feel as competitors should be greeted with improving conditions in their preparation. However, one competitor managed to squeeze in 18 wet holes Monday. KWGA Sportsnet reporter Holly Sonders caught up with The 4th Reich late Monday afternoon and filed this report from Kenwolia Lane.

KWGA Sportsnet reporter Holly Sonders catches up with The 4th Reich following his practice round Monday.

Holly: Hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii Doug. Holly Sonders here. It looks like you have been through hell and back! Are you feeling OK? Ready to go this week?

4th Reich: Holly, if you only knew. I played 18 holes Saturday. Played the shits by the way and had a horse-fly follow me around for 13 holes. Hurensohn, lech mich!!!! Almost drove me crazy like my last Finnish netminder. I hit 3 buckets of balls after the round and then biked 114 km to Medford Beach. Now I know your husband must impress you but if what I just said doesn’t, well, you aren’t worth the money he paid for those lady bumps you got there. To answer your question, yes I am ready to go. I am spending the next few days in Cape Breton doing some “buddy bonding” away from this crazy place. I need some time away from 1,000 emails a day, German Skype, Masters pressure and my leaky roof.

Holly: Rumour has it that you are struggling a bit right now. Do you think you can get it turned around in time for Saturday? Or even get it airborne?

4th Reich: Like I tell my players in Germany, if you can’t stand the heat, go play ground hockey. I was born to compete Holly. So what if I can’t compress a golf ball, weaken my grip or look as pretty as you do when you swing. It’s all about getting it into the hole. If I can’t get it together on my Cape Breton trip this week then I will petition the KWGA to have mid-swing body checking instituted to give me a chance. I may be small but they didn’t call me Thumper in Junior Hockey because I was good with the ladies.

Holly: Just before you go 4th Reich, can I get a prediction for  this Saturday? Anything we should keep an eye on?

4th Reich: Yes Holly, if you wouldn’t mind asking one of the boys to cut my grass and fix the crooked frame on my bike while I am away, that would great. The world was a bit tilted on my ride out to Medford. I don’t want to have another accident and have my wife take my bike away from me.

SHARKS ENTRY SPIKES TICKET SALES

It’s been 6 long weeks since Mark “The Shark” has played an official event on the KWGA after rain washed out play in The Other Blossom tournament, and KWGA fan attendance has suffered as a result. No KWGA Pro wows the female throng quite like The Shark and a 73% spike in ticket sales once he entered The Masters can only be attributed on one man. So the Shark has decided to give back to his fans by raffling off his trouser under-wrap to a lucky lady following his round Saturday. “I just thought it was the right thing do to. The fans make me who I am, and without them, I wouldn’t be as rich and have the opportunities I do. Plus Bobby T. taught me a trick years ago. Baby wipes. No matter how hot and sweaty it may be out there Saturday, the ladies won’t have to worry about random tire tracks or blotches. Plus they have these new scented wipes that can actually enhance that manliness.”

Gavin enters the 2015 Masters as an enigma with only a 6th and 15 place finish this season. However, not a more popular win it would be if The Shark could pull it off Saturday.

KENWO READIES FOR POSSIBLE PLAYOFF

After weeks of secrecy and heated discussion, the Masters in 2015 is proud to announce that the practice par 3 (substitute Hole #8) will be used to break any ties for the green jacket. Asked for comment Monday night from his perch in front of the Blue Jays vs Tampa Rays baseball game on TV, Commissioner Ford explained. “We just cannot have a tie in a major championship. It goes against all sports theory and common sense.” said Ford. “We couldn’t have a chipping or putting contest to decide a green jacket. We are all grown men most days and have to settle things in that fashion. I’d like to thank the KenWo brass for agreeing to this option. I think it adds to the drama before we all even tee off.” Commissioner Ford went on to explain that since it is only a 105 yard hole, no handicap strokes will be involved in a possible playoff. “I am actually hoping we have a tie if I am honest. I want to see some of these guys who are used to having a gun in their hands trying to filet a pitching wedge with all that pressure. I can’t think of better theater.”

Please be prepared to stay a few minutes longer this Saturday in case Jim Mora needs you! Thanks.

2014 KWGA MASTERS- FINAL SCOREBOARD

June 28, 2014.

1. Gerry Elliott 69

2. Derek Thomson 73

3. Rene MacKay 74

T4. Wayne Burke 77

T4. Bob Maxwell 77

T4. Jeff Legge 77

7. Barry Hennigar 78

8. Mark Gavin 80

9. Arnie Kelley 81

10. Rod Murray 82

11. Douglas Irwin 83

12. Don Bryson 85

13. John Amirault 88

T14. Gary Johnson 89

T14. Brent Locke 89

16. Harold Fisher 91