WALDO LOVES NEW MASTERS SETUP

Wednesday afternoon brought warm, sunny skies to KenWolia Lane which meant an overflow of KWGA talent came out of the woodwork for Men’s Night. The main story coming out of Wednesday’s practice round is what three days of rain has done to change the texture of The Masters track. A new, thick growth of grass has made the rough as sticky and thick as a newborn’s diaper. Finding the fairway Saturday will be paramount to finding success as well as chipping around the greens. “There is so much thick grass now that it’s almost impossible not to get grass between the ball and the club face.” said Head Greens-keeper Willie Weeks. “Some of these guys have stone hands as it is, so chipping will be even more difficult Saturday. There won’t be much roll out in the fairways either, so this course just got longer.”

KWGA Sportsnet reporter Holly Sonders made a point to talk to former president and KWGA Town Crier “Where’s Waldo-Murray” for his take on the condition of the course.

Holly: Are you going to make it Saturday morning? Tee times are sometimes elusive.

Waldo: Yes…..if Harold picks me up. Can we get to some golf questions now Holly?

Holly: “Waldo, how do you feel about the condition of the course right now? Do you think it favors someone like you who really gets the ball high in the air?

Waldo: “Holly, I guess you haven’t been watching me lately. High in the air? My ball flight looks more like a mallard duck full of buckshot. That doesn’t matter though nor does it worry me this Saturday Holly. Golf is a soliloquy of grace and power…and when that fails me…I always have my thermos to lean on. Listen, I know I am not a favorite this weekend but the new condition of the course will help me. Some of these guys depend on 75 yards of roll to get it out there. That won’t be available to them this week.”

Holly: “Most of the guys tease you a lot and make fun of your name. You must have extremely thick skin…or no conscience. Which is it?”

Waldo: “I dealt with Gaspereau Mountain kids and their steel-toe boots during my informative school years. THAT was tough. They kicked more playground sand in my face than you could imagine Holly. Every day they called me nerd and tard, so this Waldo thing is nothing. Listen, I know you can’t say those words anymore but it doesn’t bother me. It fuels my fire actually, so I am leaning toward the no conscience part of your question. Oblivion is bliss my darling.”

Holly: “What if your girlfriend calls you and needs a pack of smokes during your round? Are you going to be able to stay and play? Or will you have to leave immediately?”

Waldo: “This date has been circled for months Holly. I won’t be leaving early or getting there late. If you want to know the truth, she will be waiting for me at Giggles bar…we have a victory celebration planned.”

LOCKE-D OUT OF “FAMILY TIME”

With just two KWGA events under his belt in 2015, The Wease has much to show for his efforts this season. That’s why it is so strange nobody is talking about him as a potential favorite this week. Weasie sits 12th in the FEDEX Standings and no player garners more FEDEX points per round (19.3). This golf “awakening” has also had an effect on the home front. With a newborn toddler in the home and plenty of diapers to buy, pressure from the matriarch to produce results has never been greater, and not just in the boudoir. “She wants me to do well out on the golf course, make a name for myself…and oh ya, win some rang money because groceries ain’t cheap.” said The Weasel. “The problem is that she wants me to be asleep much earlier then I am used to and that has cut into valuable family time. We used to play chesterfield rugby every night, but since this golf awakening, all I can find in my chesterfield is loose change and lint.”

JOURNEYMAN JOHNSON TO DONATE MASTERS EARNINGS

In what came as a bit of a surprise late Wednesday evening from his condo in PEI, KWGA Congressman Gary “Biggest” Johnson proclaimed that any and all of his Masters earnings Saturday would be donated to the “Pulp Stinks…Save a Tree” Foundation. The Hantsport tree hugger has also vowed to start recycling any and all golf gear, drink his cocktails out of environmentally friendly and re-usable Styrofoam cups and dig an outhouse in his backyard. “Listen, I don’t think there is a better or higher platform to advance my cause than by winning The Masters.” said Johnson. “I know this all seems a bit incongruent but even the Grinch Who Stole Christmas made a turnaround, so why not me?” Johnson’s results on tour have been pedestrian by his lofty business standards, but stranger things have happened. “I have a 14 handicap now. That’s a nice cushion. I just need to play relaxed and think about all of those wildlife habitats I will be saving if I win.”

“OCTOBER” MUST COME EARLY

October means playoff baseball, hunting and FEDEX playoffs and no player rings those three bells quite like Harold October-Fisher. Last season, he stunned the KWGA by sharing the Deutsche Bank Championship in his finest hour. The switch to a net scoring system seemed to be taylor-made for the Aylesford native and the early results seemed a harbinger of things to come. Fisher has tantalized but not broken through in 2015 and some are pointing to the tremendous weight of being Waldo’s personal chauffeur. “I feel like I am Driving Miss Daisy if you want me to be honest.” said a frustrated Fisher. “It’s not even his vehicle and he won’t let me roll the windows down when he smokes, won’t let me stop when I need to pee nor will he stop yanking on the steering wheel when we drive by the LC. All I can do Saturday is get there on time and hope that October comes early…it’s The Masters after all.”