Perhaps no KWGA pro was as hungry as Mark “The Shark” Gavin Saturday morning at The Players Championship. After 3 long years toiling on tour the wait is finally over for the Kentville product. The lovable panty bandit broke through at The TPC with a sterling round of -5, shredding the field in his finest hour of shot-making and putting in an exhibition that was both voracious and callous. A front nine 35 included a birdie at the uncomfortable 4th hole that ironically features several water hazards that require a steely nerve…or a man with gills and a sharp fin. Lorne Greene himself would have been proud. The Shark continued his strong play on the back nine with 7 pars in a solid 38 strokes that was good enough for a 2 stroke victory over a witch doctor (Woodworth) and someone who needs a doctor (Newcombe). The victory was not a surprise to some as Gavin entered Saturday’s TPC on fire with a couple of low 70 rounds that would foreshadow his win and major championship. “After many years of struggles, balsam sap covered balls, tree limbs and thistle, I finally realize that the middle of the fairway is my friend. Golf is much easier playing from the short grass and easier on my dry-cleaning bill. My cashmere shirts do not respond well to mud stains and tree sap. I couldn’t be happier right now. In the old days I would have celebrated a win like this differently. Maybe some cocktails and a trip to Legends Lounge…today it was jumping in a car and driving 6 hours in the heat to PEI. At least my wife let me stop for ice cream in Antigonish.”

The day was not without drama as a certain Hunchback hearkened back to 2001, reached in his “tickle trunk” and yanked out birdies at #14 and #17 to close the gap to 1 shot teeing off #18 after a shaky front nine 41. Newcombe’s self-deprecating behavior seemed to put The Shark at ease but the Falmouth resident knows how to lull his opponents into submission. However, Newcombe’s amateur status reared its ugly head with a bogey on #18 and he would have to settle for a tie for second. Meanwhile, several groups behind, Air Bud Woodoworth trundled along like the “Little Train That Could”, somehow managing to drop the anchor in his group that is “The Rodca” and fired a back nine 37. The strain and pain that is such a grouping was written all over Air Bud’s face after bogeys at #16 and #18 that ultimately cost him the championship. “Listen, I don’t want to hear about Rodca’s or beer costing me this title. Gavin won it fair and square and that’s the end of it. This season has been a great learning experience and I have grown as a result. Before I just slapped it around and none of my golf buddies would chirp me or leave me for the bar on #14 tee. The KWGA is an alternate golf lifestyle and I realize that I can compete in this environment. I know my time is coming. Now where did I leave my chi rocks?”

Rounding out the Top 5 were a pair of miscreants well known to the KWGA landscape. Saddled with the pressure of being the pre-tournament favorite, Doug “The 4th Reich” Irwin continued to wow the gallery and one unsuspecting playing partner with his array of 20 foot high missiles that would somehow find their mark. The 4th Reich started his charge with a birdie at #8, an even par Orchard and a drive off #14 tee that even the Luftwaffe would have been proud. “The guy is a golfing marvel” said a bedazzled Tom Fonda-Thomson. “I had heard the stories but to see it in person is awe inspiring. Irwin is proof positive that you can play the game along the ground and that miracles can happen. I mean how else can you explain him finding a wife like that? Nothing makes sense in the world anymore.” Not to be outdone, a certain syncronized swimmer Arnie Telly-Kelley continued his second half resurgence with a solid -1 round that vaulted him from 6th to 2nd in the FEDEX Standings. Only a 3 over Valley finish could get in the way of his first career victory. “People look at me and doubt me. They think I can’t hear them but my hearing is a lot better than they think.” said Telly-Kelley. “Grinding is an art and that’s what I do best. Today’s result puts destiny in my own hands and the stretch run should be fun.”

In what can only be described as a disgusting display of WWE Wrestling style histrionics and hustle, two golfers stood out at Saturday’s TPC like nothing seen before. Craig “The Hammer” MacDonald and Rene “The Fixer” MacKay (formerly known as “The Shooter”) brow-beat and suckered the KWGA’s Commissioner Derek Ford into “a little, fun side game.” The fact that it was already a Major Championship should have been enough on the line, however, that certainly wasn’t what the two Antigonish products figured. Two front nine birdies were followed by four more on the back nine in a slaughter that brought back memories of the Cambodian Killing Fields. “It was difficult to watch and stomach.” said an exasperated Commissioner. “MacDonald non-nonchalantly bellowed on #1 tee that Saturday was his second round of the year while MacKay kept murmuring about a bad back bothering him all week. I’ve seen better acting in porno. The depth of this set up was so astounding to me now that I look back. I know it’s only $79 I lost but I also lost a ball on #14 and got DQ’d to round out my day. Meanwhile I have to watch MacDonald’s Howitzer 330 yard drive miraculously ricochet off trees and a washroom on that same hole….and yet find the middle of the fairway. The worst part is my playing partner didn’t even tell me we were in a match until the 3rd hole. I’d say war has been declared.”

A formal investigation has been launched by the KWGA’s Fair Play Committee to determine if Grampy Burke was actually in on The Hustle and/or received a take from the MacDonald/MacKay profits.

The Mental Game

We all know when that moment is coming, when the anger and fury just can’t be ignored. Maybe it was the 3rd bladed chip shot of your round, the tee shots that just won’t stop slamming into woodwork like roadkill in a blender or seeing the Beverage Cart take a sudden turn away from your group in the distance. There are so many variables that can derail a round. This week, Deepak Chopra stopped by the KWGA offices to give you, the true amateur golfer, some helpful tips on just how to keep the lid on a golfing meltdown.

1.) BREATHING- No, I don’t mean hyperventilating or sucking air from a paper bag. Nice, easy, rhythmic and controlled breathing goes a long way in lessening pre-shot anxiety. “I’ve watched how effective audilble exhaling can be for The Hunchback. I know he sounds like a moose in heat…but if it works…why not?

2.) THE “HAPPY PLACE”- Everyone has that place in their brain where they can all forget the pain of a bladed wedge from 100 yards. For some of you it may be that deserted island in the Carribean or a an afternoon of gardening your favorite azaleas. For me it’s Tootsies Cabaret. Having conversations with naked women is both therapeutic and healthy and takes me back to some special moments in my life. Plus it makes me forget the sweat and sod stains on my golf shirt.

3.) THE F-BOMB- A study released recently from Valley Fundamental Health said that 63% of golfers who dropped the F-Bomb after a terrible swing or unlucky bounce have a much lesser risk of developing (a) uncontrollable shakes and kicking their snuggle buddy in their sleep (b) constipation/hardened stool/gas (c) a thirst for copious amounts of alcohol and (d) a penchant for finding the parking lot after 9 holes. The study also revealed that 100% golfers expressed that they just darn well feel better when the tirade of cussing (in any language) has been completed. “You just can’t measure the full benefits of lashing out verbally at your playing partner or the Golf Gods.”

4.) SELF-REALIZATION TICKS- We truly all are too hard on ourselves. Why can’t I swing it every time like Ricky Fowler…or have a girlfriend like his? The answer is simple people. We are amateur golfers and Rickie Fowler has much less hair on his back. So stop beating yourself up over it. Set realistic goals for your round (“I’m gonna get this one air born, “I will NOT find the hozzle my next shot, If I lag it to 4 feet they HAVE to give me that putt!”). Take notes, give yourself a sticker or just give yourself a silent pat on your back. You can be a good person if you try.

News, Notes & Quotes

“Here Craig, Rene. Just take my wallet. Just take what you want. Please leave me some money for my rent and some food stamps.” ~Commissioner Ford

-Saturday marked the first time The Weasel failed to place in the Top 3 after four straight occurrences to start the 2015 season. “I don’t practice, I travel and work a lot, my wife didn’t cut the crusts off my sandwich, my pants were too tight. I can’t use those things as excuses today. I just didn’t get it done.”

-Next Saturday is event #14… the Fred Herbin Experience. Entrants are encouraged to wear their purples and pinks, the colours that represent the haze and fury that our beloved Herbin always played with. Make sure you sign up by 8:00pm Monday night!

-A special thank-you to Gerry and Joan Elliott for opening their home to our band of misfits. To say that your amenities were enjoyed would not do it justice. The food, drinks, salt water pool and entertainment were all way overboard and the KWGA thanks you from the bottom of my size 16 golf shoes. It was also nice to see so many families, wives and pink, white and hairy men wading like walrus’ on the shores of Carmel Bay, CA Bay. Next season can’t get here fast enough! Thanks again!