(Someone Missing from Photo)

On a day the Greatest Champion of All Time Muhammad Ali passed away, the KWGA crowned its own champions, Team Carey and his band of misfits in an upset over Team Fisher that no doubt rivals Ali’s defeat of Sonny Liston for the Heavyweight Championship in Miami Beach, Florida 1964. Many pundits questioned the one-eyed Carey’s selections saying that his team was too old, out of shape and generally lacking the mental fortitude to win a stuffed bear at a Bill Lynch Fair let alone the KWGA Ryder Cup. “You can’t put a price tag on heart.” said an elated Coach Carey-Waszczuk.” My guys came out here today and battled from the opening tee shot and never looked back. I knew when I took the job of captain that I would be questioned but I just felt I had to go out on a limb to win, and by the jimby, look what happened. I couldn’t be happier right now. Plus I get to sleep in the Master Suite in Ft. Myers finally.”

Indeed the Opening match between Elliott/Thomson vs Burke/Maxwell gave Team Carey a leg up as “ET- Elliott-Thomson Go Home” took a 1Up lead after the first hole and slammed the door shut on the match with birdies at #6 and #8 to put the first point on the board. Elliott’s wedge to 3 feet on #6 and 16 foot putt on #8 hi-lighted the charge. Burke and Maxwell had evened the match at #4 with a gorgeous birdie to give them a glimmer of hope. “It’s been a while since I have been in the hunt so today it felt good to put a dagger in someone again.” said a relieved Double-Double. “I guess ET works for my pairing today…it had been an alien sighting lately.” In the singles matches, Commissioner Ford’s miracle par from the “heather hay” lining the right side of the 18th hole stole a half point from Maxwell while Double-Double closed out his match on #17 to give Coach Carey 2.5 points from his opening duo. “We turned back the clock a bit.” said Commissioner Ford. “Burkie was flexing his skinny calves all day but it didn’t affect us. Bob was rock solid and kept talking about his dog hiding under his veranda all the time. Not much worked for them today.”

Game 2 was an ABSOLUT beauty as Mr. Wildcat and Waldo traded drinks and birdies with Sharky and Hennigar in a scramble for the ages. A total a 5 birdies hi-lighted the match with only 1 bogey. Unfortunately for Wildcat and Waldo, that bogey came at #9 and cost Team Carey a half point. “Very disappointing there. We knew we had to make up for giving them a hole when it counted most.” said a frothing Wildcat. “That’s when we put in the ABSOLUT Intravenous and got to work on the Back 9.” The singles matches featured Wildcat holding a 2Up advantage on Sharky with 2 holes to play but things came unravelled for Wildcat as chunks and chips left the door open and ultimately a Shark comeback to salvage a half point. “Maybe my old buddy was a bit too ABSOLUT at the end.” said a relieved Shark. “As Ali once said, You can’t hit what you can’t see.” With one matched halved, Waldo summoned some inner clarity with critical pars at #13, #14 and a door slamming par at #18 to win his match with Hennigar. Pundits had Hennigar a slight favorite after a batch of birdies on Men’s Night the previous Wednesday and some solid results heading into the Ryder Cup. “I guess I was Sonny Liston today.” said a dejected yet smiling Hennigar. “They can Barry Bash me all they want but they didn’t have to listen to that sandpaper octave all day like I did. Double bogeys on the 18th hole don’t help either. Today it was my turn to be Rod Rage Roadkill.”

In Game 3, some were calling the team of Johnson and Amirault the “Unholy Alliance” before play began Saturday while some were just calling it ONE POINT for their opponents in Team Fisher. However, something funny happened once play did begin, a bag full of unexpected birdies. After a bogey at #1, Johnson and The Sheriff went -3 the rest of the way to further stun Weasie and Levy in an upset of epic proportions. “Sometimes you can’t put a price on experience.” said a beaming Sheriff. “We didn’t pay any attention to Weasie’s strange laugh or Levy’s burly facial ticks. They can’t expect to be in rinks and rivers for weeks and come out here and take from those who have been putting in the hours practicing and playing. It’s like being a Mall Cop. You can’t fake real handcuffs…and that’s what we put on them…high and tight.” Perhaps buoyed by their stunning team success, The Sheriff summoned something from deep in his bowels, or maybe it was just a flushed 9 iron approach to #18 green? Whichever, the shot hit and spun like a real pro, giving Team Carey yet another match win. “It was a thing of beauty.” said an amazed Biggest Johnson. “We were both up to our eyeballs in panic on that last hole but we managed to win 1.5 of 2 points from those guys. Now I don’t have to worry about my wife OR team captain yelling at me today. All I want to do now is take a nap.”

Adult bullying is never pretty…but that’s just what The 4th Reich set out to do in Game 4. Espousing the virtues of guaranteed victories like the great Ali himself, The 4th Reich led the charge with Air Bud on the Front 9, slowly wearing down their opponents in Telley-Kelley and Hacksaw Schofield 2 &1. The depth of The 4th Reich’s bullying reached its peak on the Back 9 singles where smug pars at #10, #11, #14 and finally #15 were good enough to close out Telley-Kelley. “I can’t help that he has one eye at the moment.” said The 4th Reich. “I tell my players in Germany, if you smell weakness, you go right for it, test your opponent. He can natter on about my banana ball flight and tilt-a-whirl balance all he wants, I don’t care. Now if you will excuse me, I need to go buy 7 more new shirts in the Pro Shop…my wife is away and the laundry is piling up.” After seeing the depravity of The 4th Reich in action, Hacksaw Schofield seemed energized and motivated, winning holes 11, 12 and 13 and finally closing out his match with Air Bud with a par on #16. “I had to do something to save my brother.” said a perturbed Hacksaw. “I take 3 weeks off Tour and come back to watch 2 buddies goring each other with golf violence. I just was fortunate to catch Air Bud on a day where he was in a hurry to take care his dog.”

In the final and premier match up, Game 5 featured the dramatic patched return of Captain Waszczuk. It was a scene reminiscent of Willis Reed in the 1972 NBA Championship, hobbled but not defeated. As Commissioner Ford stated, “It was inspiring and brought a tear to my eye. To see a guy like that, after catching a fish hook in the eyeball, to still come out here and compete, I knew right then our team couldn’t be beat. Personally, I know I played hard because I am hoping for a few nights in that Master Suite in Ft. Myers one day!”. However, it was Captain Fisher and The Hunchback who came out guns ablazin’ on the Front 9 with birdies at #4 and #6 that ultimately slammed the door on victory. The team finished at a startling -1 (34) that gave little wiggle room to their 15 handicap opponents. “We wanted to set a tone early.” said Mr. October. “I mean, I would have had to listen to Carey all winter if I had lost to a guy with a patch on his eye. I would be the one being called “handicapped” all winter!” The duo battled nip and tuck the entire Back 9 until Fisher’s clutch par at #18 tied the match, salvaging a half point. The Hunchback’s systematic take down of The Fogg meant nothing in the end as victory for Team Carey had already been secured.

“This is a proud day for me. I took a lot of criticism for my picks, especially The Sheriff in the 4th round, but look what he did! Today is proof positive that you haven’t got the fish until it is fully in the boat.” said Waszczuk-Carey.

News, Notes & Quotes

-“I wish there were more forced carries on this golf course.” ~Telley-Kelley after watching yet another low hook off the club face of The 4th Reich.

-“Kevin, it’s pronounced Commissioner…not ‘Commissionaire’. A Commissionaire is someone who has a lot of keys and can open any door at the Acadia Athletic Complex. That’s not me.” -Commissioner Ford

-Boys, I went over to Demo Day after our Ryder Cup, hit another 50-60 balls (ouch my sore body) and ordered a 21 degree Titleist 816 H1 Hybrid with a Diamana 42 inch 90 gram stiff shaft…I told the salesman it all sounded like the name of an adult film I had once seen. THANKS AGAIN YOU GUYS! MUCH APPRECIATED!!!!

-Next week is the inaugural Tootsies-Miami Cabaret. It will be played on SUNDAY JUNE 12. Sign-up boxes for entering and volunteering to book a tee time have been posted on the website. The deadline to sign-up is this TUESDAY JUNE 7.

See you next Sunday…and GOOD LUCK to all KWGA members playing in the Coors Lite 2 Man Scramble on Saturday.

~The Commissioner