Conventional wisdom says you can’t go from 94 to 74 in seventy-two hours… but that’s just the kind of turnaround that makes the amateur golfer unique. Approximately 72 hours after a disastrous and calamitous 94 in Wednesday’s Men’s Night, the KWGA’s only ever marathoner, Barry Bannister-Hennigar, reached deep into his bag of tricks, firing a gross 74 (Net 65) to topple the field at the 2017 Legends Lounge Memorial on a glorious sun-splashed day at KenWo GC. Listed as an afterthought 16-1 underdog heading into the event, one would have thought Bannister-Hennigar was more likely to have camo-fatigues and a tourniquet in his bag to stop the bleeding than a shiny set of Titleists. “Wednesday was an anomaly.” said a smug and miffed Bannister-Hennigar. “It’s embarrassing to be listed near the bottom with The Sheriff. The Commissioner motivated me today. I was kicked in the shins in the hallways and called nerd all through my Horton years, 16-1 reminded me of that time in my life. My son is already cooler in Grade 7 than I ever was, so any kind of personal rehabilitating I can get in the KWGA goes a long way in reinforcing my status at home.”

Although his marathon days have mercilessly been put to rest, Bannister-Hennigar shot out of the gates quickly Saturday with a birdie at #2 and a Front Nine 37. Another birdie at #12 had even “shut ins” from Tideways Assisted Living Community scurrying with their canes and walkers atop #18 green in an effort to get just one glimpse of the 2017 champion. “A Man of The People” they shouted as he chunked his drive off #18 tee just 50 yards from its launch point. That’s when the questions and doubt started to creep in. Could he get it done without a withdrawn Fog by his side? The answer was yes, as a recovery bogey was all he would need on this day to keep “KK” at bay. “Sunday is Mother’s Day and now I can put away the gnarled, saliva bitten crayons and construction paper and buy a Hallmark card for once with my winnings.” said an effusive Bannister-Hennigar. “Today’s win was great timing because I was out of my favorite colour too!”

Fresh off yet another trip to New Brunswick (Why do they need so much Red Bull in NB anyway?), the KWGA’s “Reformed Bird” scrapped his way to a runner-up finish Saturday with a round of 77 gross (67 Net) that didn’t include a birdie but did include 12 rock solid pars. “If this continues we will soon be calling him Larry Bird.” said a confused Commissioner. “Those Senior League pitchers used to laugh at him before he stepped in the batter’s box…but they wouldn’t be laughing after the ball left his bat. The KWGA won’t be laughing either once he starts adding birdies to his pars.”

“Are these “Gitch” better Shannon? I don’t want the guys laughing at me today!”

A gaggle of three tied for third Saturday afternoon, a group that included The Commissioner, The Hunchback Newcombe and The Shark. For The Shark, it was his 4^th straight Top 3 finish on Tour and his efforts vaulted him to #1 in the FEDEX Cup Standings. They key to his round again this week? “I was about to run out of the house with green undies on and my wife stopped me before I could make such a mistake.” said an amused Shark. “She doesn’t know I have a reputation to uphold in the KWGA, but it was the warmest day of the year, and green does have the ability to show through white shorts. I know it’s embarrassing to be dressed by your wife but at this point I have to relent.” Happy Mother’s Day Shan. Great Job!

“PLAY SAFE”

Let’s Make 2017 Great Again

After a less than safe 2016 Social Calendar, The Commissioner’s Office thought it prudent to remind KWGA members that playing safe is both a good idea…and less expensive. So without further adieux, here are the Top 6 “Play Safe” Tips from The Office.

1. When using inflatable rafts or dinghies, please adhere to the height and weight suggestions/restrictions of each specific apparatus. They are listed on the rubber tags or on the underside of the raft. Failure to do so may result in broken axles and/or mesh seating.
2. When boating…nevermind, boating is cancelled in 2017
3. When throwing footballs or baseballs at 100mph like you were 18 again, it is best to find an area that is not heavily populated, near any windows or the 500 degree BBQ.
4. Shearing your toenails to less than ½ inch extended Kevin N. will ensure that nobody gets cut whilst swimming and blood/plasma products do not therefore contaminate the water.
5. Having a deck that has proper 2×8 reinforced pressure treated lumber that is not over 30 years old Doug will ensure nobody falls through.
6. If you do not want KWGA members at your house, do not lie and tell people you are having your house renovated Wayne, just tell us the cold, hard truth. We have all been rejected a million times in our lives Sheriff, we can take it.

News, Notes & Quotes

*The Cheeseburger Picnic scheduled for Saturday July 22 has been rescheduled to Saturday July 15.

“I hope the boys won’t notice.” ~Third Legge

*”The Third” Legge became the first KWGA member to arrive at KenWo for a KWGA event via taxi cab Saturday morning. His attempts to slide down the seat and hide behind the door as the cab approached the practice putting green were unsuccessful…even for someone just north of “Tattoo” from Fantasy Island.

*“He used to be a golf pro? This guy changed my grip, and yes, I’m hitting it 30 yards further…but now I can’t even break 100!”~Weasie    Stick with it Weasie!

*“I know it’s only 9:15am, but will someone in this group please order a drink and get HER outta the f****** cart already?”~Several KWGA golfers Saturday morning. “Hiiiiiiiii Doug!”

*“Jesus, Mary and Joseph. They talked for 4 ½ hours in that cart like they were long lost friends. I mean, there wasn’t one lull in the conversation! It was constant!” ~Rushton on Third Legge and Air Bud’s rendition of Sirius Radio for in-patient and Hang-Over care.

*Don’t forget to sign up for Avon Valley and Gerry’s BBQ!

See you next Saturday @The Gigglers Invitational

~The Commissioner