MONDAY AT THE MASTERS- KENWOLIA LANE

The drive down KenWolia Lane today was majestic, a proper welcome to the season’s most prestigious tournament as player preparations hit full swing Monday at The Masters. Names like Irwin, Fisher, Carey, Thomson, Kelley & Kenny dotted the sun-splashed and wind swept fairways of KenWo today, a veritable who’s who of KWGA royalty. A wind so strong KenWolia Lane was temporarily put out of service when a large section of Azalea Tree crashed down, thoroughly blocking its path. “I am not sure if that is an omen for the tournament but the noise a tree makes when it falls reminds us all that we are tiny specs of God’s creation…and Kevin Newcombe’s voice isn’t louder than everything else on planet earth.” said a bedazzled Commissioner. “I think we are in for a cracking 2017 Masters!”

This Saturday will mark the 5th anniversary of the KWGA’s birth, a day that Bob Maxwell will never forget, nor will the patrons who lined the fairways to get a peek that day. The big news out of Monday was the health of Maxwell himself as he was forced to retreat to his cabin on the North Mountain after experiencing flu-like symptoms during his range session before his scheduled tee time with Thomson, Kelley and Kenny. “I certainly hope it is nothing serious.” said a concerned Commissioner. “I am hopeful that some chicken soup and rest is all that will be required to have him ready for Saturday. Bob, you missed a great day out there today!”

THE SCENE OF THE CRIME- WILD GOOSE LODGE

With so many KWGA members scattered around the province, both leaving for, and returning from, golf trips, the question must be asked. Is glutinous slurping of muscles and binge drinking the best preparation for a Major tournament? To help answer that question, we caught up with Gary “Biggest” Johnson at The Wild Goose Lodge in French River, PEI.

KWGA Correspondent Holly Sonders: “Gary, you do realize you withdrew from Saturday’s Herbin and now you are here gallivanting around with two not so good influences in Grampy and that Fred character who takes golf as seriously as he takes changing his panties every morning?”

Gary: “What can I say? I am a follower. My game isn’t predicated on or aided by preparation anyway. It is what it is, for better or for worse. Being around those two dipsticks does help toughen me up though, the constant teasing and jingling of pocket change in my back-swing. Fred’s a master at that.”

KWGA Correspondent Holly Sonders: “Last question Gary. How did you get clearance to basically frig off for the next 6 days? Is there nothing that needs to be done around the house this week?”

Gary: “Horses, it’called horses. I just let them graze on my front lawn. Saves on gas too. Manure is not a problem either…my excuses stink worse.”

DOUBLE-DOUBLE PRIMED FOR RE-BIRTH

“GO GET ‘EM GEAR BEAR!”

After a season toiling in the KWGA’s shit abyss, KenWo’s favored son looks to have turned a corner heading into Saturday’s Masters. A gross 72 and a Fred Herbin Experience title last Saturday should serve notice that two times the “Tim’s” will be a handful to deal with once again. It wasn’t just the score on the card, it was the sound at impact and the putts that are once again starting to fall that had one anonymous KWGA’er shaking in his boots. “I saw the same glint of self-confidence in the whites of his beady eyes as I did in the FEDEX Finals of 2014. It’s a lot to compete with once you factor in the flaws in your own swing and psyche. I wouldn’t be surprised one bit if he wins Saturday.”

With many whispering, “What? I thought we “mathed” Gerry out of contention when we went to the Net scoring system???”, the intimidation factor of a seasoned competitor could very well count for strokes gained once again. As Commissioner Ford quipped following his practice round Monday. “I win scrambles not stroke play tournaments. This guy, if he plays like he did Saturday, we may have to call in Brooke Henderson to cool him off.”

The KWGA tried in vain to contact Double-Double on Monday but rumour has it he had not left his indoor range/simulator, only peeking out to eat and pee….and to practice throwing the slippery, slobber-covered rubber bone to his bear named Dog…or is is dog named Bear?

KWGA “Members Update”

Barry Hennigar- Will miss the 2017 Masters after agreeing to a family trip to Newfoundland. My question is, Who goes to Newfoundland in June? The snow hasn’t even all melted yet!

Brent Locke- The Masters defending champion has spent the better part of 5 days camping in the woods somewhere in Nova Scotia. He was in such a hurry to leave for the trip that his return to sender email read, “I am currently out of the office and won’t be back until FEBRUARY!” Rumour also has it that the trip is actually a doube date with Jeff Legge…another KWGA’er well reknowned for his camping and first date prowess.

Bob Trainor- Did he go to Europe again? WTF is he? Not playing in The Masters? His KWGA status is under review.

Nick Levy- The 2015 Masters champion will miss this year’s tournament after his son found frozen water in June? An APB (All Points Bulletin) has been issued for his whereabouts.

WHAT TO LOOK FOR TUESDAY @THE MASTERS

*The KWGA has obtained exclusive footage of The 4th Reich’s Masters preparations in Cape Breton

*Fisher’s Masters Goals and how the season’s leading money winner spends his rang and net money

*Special features and prizes for The Masters

*Plus a few other things I haven’t thought of yet.

KWGA AMBER ALERT

WHO IS THIS GUY?

LUV YA BUDDY!