They don’t post pictures on scorecards…and Masters champions are not supposed to be able to hunt like Tarzan and scream like Jane…but nobody told that to the KWGA’s Weasie Locke, who became the first ever to win back to back Masters at venerable KenWo GC Saturday afternoon. After five days of slashing and hacking around the red soil of PEI and 4 events on the KWGA Tour to start 2017, Weasie broke out in a huge way with a net 65, good enough for a 1 stroke victory over a fast-charging Air Bud and slowly but surely moving Hunchback Newcombe. Even a three putt for double bogey at the 18th couldn’t derail Weasie whose lead had swelled to three standing on the final tee. “I can’t say enough about how much this new grip has helped me.” said a bewildered Weasie. “I was told to stick with it by a few fellas, and low and behold, today is the result. Now I just have to explain to my wife why this ugly green blazer and trophy is back in our house.”

Entering the week with zero expectations, both from Vegas Oddsmakers and Weasie himself, the Tantallon Troublemaker calmly and steadily traversed the Front Nine in 39 strokes including pars and the difficult 5th and 7th holes. With playing partner Double-Double quietly cajoling and encouraging Weasie like his newborn’s upcoming potty training, Weasie found solid pars at #11, #12, #14 and #17 and no double bogies before reaching the final tee. Just ahead on the green, the drama was unfolding before his eyes. The Hunchback was staring down an 18 footer for birdie that would get him to -5 for the championship. However, The Hunchback’s effort would come up woefully short and he would be forced to settle for par and a gross 75 (Net 66), his best round on Tour this season, a round that included three birdies. Thirty minutes earlier in the first group of the day, Air Bud had fired a neat spotless Back Nine 36 to set the score in the clubhouse at -4 but the question was, did Weasie know it…or was he consciously ignoring it? We will never know because nothing could be heard above his rapidly beating heart and intestinal tract. The 18th awaited Weasie with baited breath.

Bolstered by a three shot lead, Weasie took 3 swings to reach the putting surface at #18 and only a four putt would withhold him from victory. However, a vomitous first putt came up seven feet short, followed by a second putt that raced 2 1/2 feet by the hole meant 28 inches stood between Weasie and KWGA immortality. “I just thought about how many times I have been vomited on by my 9 children throughout the years.” said a relieved and now smiling Weasie. “There is something about pressure that bursts pipes and newborn’s diapers…but not my putting stroke under pressure. A huge putt and day for me to say the least. It may be a while before someone beats 20+ guys two years in a row in a net game. It may be time to buy a 6/49 ticket while I am at it. Now if you will excuse me, I have to get home and play another sport…chesterfield rugby…the sport of champions.”

“Grampy…you are SO naughty!”

Also having a fine Masters was Grampy, who came in a very solid 4th with a gross round of 73 after 5 days battling high winds and poker losses in PEI. The man who is treating his upcoming wedding day like a porcupine crossing the 101 made a mockery of KenWo Saturday with two birdies and a Back Nine 35 gross. “He continues to amaze me on several fronts.” said a bemused Commissioner. “How well he can still play the game at his age…how much money he can still make with irrigation systems in a climate that is warm 3 months of the year and a sprinkler will do the same thing, plus sprinklers look like more fun…and how much free time he has for the game itself. Now I know how his house is so clean!”

Saturday’s Sharp Shooters

Closest to the Hole Competition

“I hit one close on #13…and THAT’s the hole The Commissioner leaves out.”~ KK

#2 Darrell Cook- The most gorgeous draw to two feet I’ve seen this year.

#5 Mark “The Shark” Gavin- Or was it Gordie?

#11 Kevin “The Hunchback…Who the heck is T-Bone” Newcombe- Bladed wedge?

#15 Scott “Air Bud” Woodworth- He beat me by two feet. Frig.

Note: FYI John A….Sheriff is spelled with two F’s…not two R’s as you wrote on the paper on #11

Masters Ensemble of the Year

Mark Gavin: You can’t beat a man who can wear tapered golf chemise at 50.

Honourable Mention: The 4th Reich- Classy and stylish…but wrong colour and out of season.

The 4th Reich celebrates his 2nd place finish with his Ontario buddies.

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THAT’S How you Do It!

“Ok boys…we have our work cut out for us today.”~Fisher

Not many knew this, but when I put the group of Amirault, Trainor, Fisher and Woodworth together, it was a challenge of sorts. Weighted down by a combined handicap of 64 strokes, I am sure many rolled their eyes thinking, “Oh Lord, what was Derek thinking? That group is going to take all day to finish 18 holes!” Proving that “rabbits” come in all shapes and sizes, the foursome bolted out of the gates on #1, and was not seen again by the group behind them until the hill on #18. “In fact, we could see them walking on to #15 green…and we were standing on #14 tee! I was wondering why Johnny Aker was driving around us so much and offering my group rides!” said The Commissioner. “That round should have been put on a golf video and sent around the continent. Great job guys!”

Top 10 things I’ve learned about KWGA Masters Day

“Hey! Did somebody say free golf balls?”

People at the club look at me differently…like…why can’t I play too?

Some people will even put their anniversary on hold to play in the KWGA Masters.

A putt or chip to 2 feet is greeted by playing partners with club twirling, no eye contact, fixing of ball marks that don’t exist…and general silence.

People don’t laugh as much when I pass gas on the course.

Gerry is bombarded for golf swing advice.

Some people ask for new nicknames because their own wives laugh at their KWGA nickname.

People like prizes…like when you teach a dog a new trick.

Sportsnet wanted to cover the event….but cancelled once I sent them our photo.

Any type of golf swing can win on the KWGA Tour…and I mean ANY!

And the last thing I learned about the KWGA Masters this week…I can hardly wait for the 2018 KWGA Masters!

News, Notes & Quotes

*Quote of the Week- “What the heck Derek. Is The Masters a TWO day event this year?”- The Shooter

*KWGA golfers have now played a combined 1,054 rounds and 18,972 holes of golf in its history.

*Bob Maxwell and Rod Murray missed their first KWGA Masters since 2013. Maxwell had the flu and Rod was getting prepped for ankle surgery. Ironic since these two men were in a playoff to decide the first ever KWGA Masters champion.

*Tupper Lake Social Next Saturday- Sign-up boxes have been posted on the website. (Right hand side…scroll down)

*See you next week…Cannonball competition in Tupper Lake.

The Commissioner