If you haven’t already noticed, there is a runaway super senior hell bent on golf destruction in the KWGA to start the 2016 season. After a winter dominating the senior circuit in Myrtle Beach, South Carolina, the symbol simply known as Grampy tore down the field at the Avon Lea Open Saturday for his first win of the season, his second straight at his backyard track. Grampy was the overwhelming favorite heading into the event, the only question seemed to be whether he would be able to keep his winner’s cheque this year…or if it would end up in a cash register at Bloomingdale’s in Halifax like last year. “Just a few breaks went my way and I was able to escape today.” said a smiling Grampy. “I know some guys may be jealous of my early season success, my perfect smile and the cocky way I walk down a fairway, but I can’t control that. Guys will just have to either play better or start taking some of my hot yoga classes. You choose.”
Grampy’s win vaulted him 28 points ahead of his nearest competitor in the FEDEX Cup Standings on a day that was destined to be a difficult one for both him and his competition. As host to the event, the rigors and responsibilities seemed to be etched all over Grampy’s face moments before teeing off #1. “No, that wasn’t stress you were seeing on my face. I just had forgotten to eat my bowl of Metamucil in the morning so I felt constipated.” said a distracted Grampy. “Stress about hosting a party? Are you kidding me? I knew that someone had prepared all of the garnish and dessert, sausage had been dropped off before the round and that someone would BBQ the meat and clean up after. The most stressful part of my day was wondering if I could keep my eyes open past 9pm to get my winner’s reward.” Constipated or not, Grampy was solid as a rock to begin his round, going just +1 gross over his first 6 holes, finishing with an outward 39. Things did get shaky and interesting when the Inward nine began with a triple bogey 7 at #10. However, birdies at #11 and #15 slammed the door shut on his nearest competitors on a day where the average score was 78 net. “I can’t say enough about how hard it is to win on this tour. Guys come in every week gunning for me like I slashed Johnny Williams in my Old Timers Hockey League. I will savour this for a day but it’s back to work next week.”
Making his presence felt once again was the KWGA’s bulldog, Mr. Wildcat, who used all of his guile and ability to stay in bounds to fire a 72 net, good for second place and a jump from 12th to 5th in the FEDEX Cup Standings. After a lackluster 44 outward nine, KK fired an inward 39 that included a birdie at the devilish 18th to secure his second Top 3 finish in just 4 events. Motivated after being teased last week, Mr. Wildcat snubbed his nose at his detractors, and the Wolfville detachment of the RCMP, to narrow the gap on his nemesis from last season’s FEDEX Final. “Listen, guys can tease me all they want, I don’t care about all that. Pit-bulls aren’t the biggest dogs in the pack but they sure as hell don’t let go once they sink their teeth into flesh. That’s how I have thrived and survived throughout my athletic career.” said a steadfast Wildcat. “The Mosher Boys would invite another second baseman to Spring Training every year…but who would be in the lineup every Opening Day? Me, that’s who. Now if you will excuse me, I have some more sausage to eat.”
Rounding out the Top 3 was a pair of golf masons, known more for their ability to crush stone and sirlyn than scoring on a golf course. The Fogg shook off a less than stellar first month of the season to post his best score on Tour this season while Waszczuk-Carey continued his birdie binge, sniping another rang at #3 to springboard his round. “You don’t win Majors or FEDEX Cups in May.” said a stern and serious Waszczuk-Carey. “It’s like those nights at Legends Lounge back in the day. So what if you get shot down at 10pm…they don’t close the bar until 2am baby. Now if you will excuse ME, I have a Ryder Cup team to manage.” For his part, The Fogg was cautiously optimistic about the rest of the season. “I won’t know how the rest of my season will go. It all depends on some fields in Northern British Columbia. It hasn’t been the best weather for botanical events so I have been on edge. Once that gets worked out I am sure I will be back to challenging for titles week after week.”
KWGA Honours Avon Valley…In Pictures
WHO’S HOT…WHO’S NOT
Grampy- There is no denying that the man is a force on Tour. He has a win and has finished no worse than 5th in 5 events this season and a let up seems as likely as a second marraige.
Mr. Wildcat- KK has finished 2nd and 3rd in his last 2 events. A win on tour this season seems as likely as a Rodca by the 6th hole. Motivated, confident and playing with a chip on his shoulder.
Mr. October- Swing changes and separation anxiety have combined to derail this Aylesford brand. His last 2 results have not been up to par for a Ryder Cup Captain (13th and 15th). Maybe a Ryder Cup title will be just the tonic to clear the malaise.
Where’s Waldo- The red striped t-shirt wonder kid has finished inside the Top 6 just once this season and has not gotten the flat stick working quite yet. The only thing that may make him smile on the golf course is if they deleted his bar bill. Clerical error of course.
Post Traumatic Golf Syndrome
“The Cure Lies Within”
So just how does one recover the week after the Avon Lea Open? It’s a question many KWGA members have been asking for 3 years. Many have complained of involuntary shakes, seizures and in worst cases bed wetting following a round at Avon Valley. The small greens, multiple 200 yard Par 3’s and the lack of a driving range within 1 km of the first tee all combine to sty-my the ability for visitors to begin with rhythm. The only thing that seems to bring a smile are the real ham chunks and cheese sandwiches in the canteen ( I had two). This is all sour grapes of course because something is never as bad as it seems. (OK, so we won’t count Mr. Wildcat’s scent after 6 sausages in an enclosed basement Man Cave.). Noted sports psychologist, golf expert and The Hunchback’s personal guru Roger Coldfield has reached out to the KWGA after members suffered the symptoms above. Coldfield has played Avon Valley many times and was asked from one of his 6 homes to give some advice to those who are suffering.
*Practice putting on dirt roads and gravel. That should stop you thinking about Avon Valley greens.
*Don’t call your wife to pick you up after a bad round before you are done your game of shuffleboard.
*Don’t just make mental notes of the symptoms, take action. Rubber sheets work..and will save your marriage.
*Hey, don’t complain. You COULD have paid full price for those greens fees.
…and last but not least…
*Pretend that you are Waszczuk-Carey for a day. THAT should make you feel better instantly.
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News, Notes & Quotes
~”There were so many withdrawals this week that Gerry has enough Avon Valley greens fee chits to last us until 2022.” ~Ford
~”I coulda been Apple Blossom Champion this week.” ~Sheriff
~”I got my weekends mixed up. My wife is away so how do you expect me to cut the crusts off my bread let alone remember I have a party to attend on Avon Lea Open weekend.” ~The 4th Reich
~”We should have a KWGA Florida Swing like they do on the PGA Tour.” ~Waszczuk-Carey. Yes, Nick, we should. When my net GNP is comparable to Sri Lanka’s, or yours, we will do that buddy.
~Lots of fun this weekend in Windsor despite the high scores…and Grampy repeating as Avon Lea Open Champion. Thanks to all who came down, played, partied and chipped in to make the day a rousing success. Thanks also to Mr. Wildcat for taking me on a scenic drive through Cambridge/Coldbrook following the party. Thanks to The Biggest Johnson for showing me how to play shuffleboard with 2 eyes closed. Your efforts made me forget that I shot 90.
~Next week is the 3rd Annual KWGA Ryder Cup. Withdrawing from this event will cause chaos. Please don’t.
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