KWGA LIONS AND CROCS BEWARE

Wildebeest make the long, dangerous, harrowing trip through the african plains every year, dodging every predator you can imagine. Their noise is a very distinct one, a noise that bellows and reverberates for many miles. Well, if you haven’t been paying attention to the KWGA yet this season, a distinct sound and scent has been dumped upon us in the one and only “BIP”. Back to back wins to start the 2019 campaign at the Kickoff Classic and last Saturday’s Flower Cart Classic have many wondering where the predatory lions and crocodiles have been to save us all from BIP’s trampling ways. The man has braved rain, wind and cold temperatures in pummeling the field for 2 straight weeks. “I know guys look at me and think, really? Bip won again? The man has hit the rec centre across the street off #2 tee before? But you know what? They are just jealous that I invented golfing baby wipes. I don’t care about the error of my past.” said a beaming yet stern Bip. “I’ve shed the winter coat and decided to embrace the journey, as dangerous as that may be. Like those stubborn wildebeest in Africa.”

Back to back career low rounds of 86 gross has many wondering if Ken-wo’s par 69 layout is just not enough course for a species used to travelling a hundred miles a day. The shorter track has taken out historically difficult holes for BIP whose love for clanging balls off the netting on hole #3 is legenday. Furthermore, the grueling and demanding 16th hole has been a bastion of butchery. “They can try and diminish my accomplishments all they want.” said a furios Bip. “Everyone has to play the same holes each week. Yes, maybe playing the 16th after 4 hours of galloping makes a diffetence but I don’t see many other guys in shape either. And as far as hole #3 goes. I have paid for any and all damages I may or may not have caused in the past. I don’t think about that anymore. So frig off.”

The news gets even worse for the rest of the KWGA field as BIP has again entered the field for this week’s Captain Crazy Invitational looking for the league’s first three-peat winner since Double Double back in 2014. His task will be increasingly difficult with a handicap plunging faster than an Al Qaeda airliner. The Commissioner also has intimated plans to add even more difficulty with his Week 3 groupings. “We have to make sure there are checks and balances for everything.” said The Commissioner at his weekly press conference in Upper Sackville Monday morning. “Now that Bip has been freed from the shackles of a 10 month house renovation it is obvious his mind is at ease. That can lead to some great golf. The antidote? A round with a man known for delay tactics rivalling Roger Dorn in the film Major Leagues. A man known for flagging down beverage carts 3 fairways away. The only KWGA’er with a drink named after him for heaven sakes. “Listen, The Commissioner can do whatever he wants to try and trip me up. I don’t care what he tries. It won’t matter.” said a calculated Bip. “I plan on taking a run at league history this Saturday. Now if you would please excuse me I would like to go polish my club.”

Just a side note, Sir Robert “Sex Tape” Lowe will make his KWGA professional debut this Saturday after passing the league’s strenuous initiation and drug procedures. “I can’t wait to take on the league’s biggest and brightest stars this week.” said Sex Tape from his seaside manor in Morden. “My wifi may be the pits out here but my golf game is more connected. “All my VHS and Beta tapes will be on sale on the first tee for this week only.”