THE FACE OF GOLF IN 2016?

Sometimes the world makes sense…and sometimes it seems like calculus. A maze of doubt and wonderment. How and why did someone invent this anyway? If anyone can explain what happened at Saturday’s KWGA Canadian Open, please forward me the answer. After a spring and mid-summer scuffling on Tour in 2016, Where’s Waldo Murray has once again found the Waterfall of Golf Gravy, that place where the nectar never ends, no matter how much and how hard one squeezes. Waldo’s gross 75 (net 66) was two shots better than The Commissioner and a Big Johnson on a day where winds and a blistering sun quickly baked out KenWo’s greens to bikini wax speed. The victory was Waldo’s second career win and his first Major Championship. “I would like to tell the people I was here at the course at 6:00am hitting balls, getting prepared for my round like The Commissioner and Maxwell-Smart, but I can’t say that. I wish I could say today’s win was about stamina and not a big green hospitality cart, but I can’t say that either.” said a ecstatic Waldo. “Sometimes you just have to chalk it up to lighting in a bottle.”

A cooler than normal, 30-40km whipping wind greeted the golfers very early Saturday morning but things quickly heated up, especially with Waldo’s Front Nine where he traversed in a paltry 34 strokes. The Front included birdies at #3 and #8 with a lone bogey on the devilish lightning quick green that was #7 Saturday. Only a head-scratching double at #12 after a drive that left him 88 yards into the green and a flubbed sand shot on #13 could ruin an otherwise flawless day. Pars on the monstrous 16th and 18th holes wrapped the boa constrictor’s grip and took the air out of any chances for The Commissioner and Biggest Johnson. Waldo’s Back Nine 41 was not flashy but we are all amateurs after all. “Give me your gold, Frankincense and Myrrh.” said a suddenly confident Waldo following the round. “The KWGA has suddenly become my cash cow. A place where I can rape and pillage without penalty. So what do you say about that my simple peasants? Golf is my game but poetry and intellect is my foundation, my love. See you next week…and may your pockets leave empty yet again, my invalid and weak.”

Fast charging on the Back Nine Saturday was the KWGA’s Thunder Flesh, Biggest Johnson, who, after a two week layoff, came to KenWo with what turned out to be cruel intentions. After a pedestrian 42 gross on the Front Nine, Thunder Flesh had everyone running for cover with pars at #10, #11, #12, #13, #15 with a birdie thrown in at the Par 5 #14th. “It looked like the lights coming on at 3am at The Palace in Halifax, and King Kong standing naked in the middle of the dance floor. Girls running in every direction, screaming. No one wanted to get in his way at that point.” said a startled Commissioner. “When someone gets that hot you can either fruitlessly try to run and hide…or frig all the running and try and enjoy the full brunt of it.” Biggest Johnson’s birdie at #14 gave him a share of the lead, but Ann Darrow would elude him in the end. Double bogies at #16 and #18 dropped him into a tie for second in yet another frustrating end to his B-Movie 2016 season. “I can’t say enough about how well The Rocket played those last three holes. The wind was howling in our face all day it seemed, especially in The Valley. I gave it all I had today and that’s all you can ask. Maybe if I didn’t have 250 employees to worry about every day then I could concentrate more on major championship preparations. And the Commissioner complains about organizing 27 people.”

Also making a Back Nine charge Saturday was The Commissioner. A man who battled the sun’s blistering rays as elegantly as a hippo taking a mud bath on the banks of the Serengeti River. His seven 4’s on the Back Nine included a “Burkie Aided” birdie at #14 after a wayward drive that was headed 100 yards out of bounds miraculously ricocheted off of a statuesque pine and settled into the left rough. A 22 foot down hill putt for par at #16 was followed by a 7 foot miss for birdie at #17 and only an eagle at #18 would save any hope.” I made a stupid putt at #6 for par that spearheaded my round.” said The Commissioner. “It must have been 80 feet. I played the Back Nine in 36 strokes so sometimes you just have to tip your hat to your opponent. Rod was buh, bet, better, … than me today. Sorry, I can’t spit that sentence out. I feel like The Fonz trying to say ‘I was ruh, wro..wrong.’ It was a nice day. I got to spend it with my old buddy Prescott, I won a rang, So I can leave the course with my head up high and a smile on my face…and buy an ice cream at Hennigar’s on the way home with someone else’s money.”

Not to be outdone Saturday was a certain Double-Double who blitzed KenWo with 4 birdies in a virtuoso comeback performance. The steely, sparkly glint looked to be back in the KWGA’s future Hall of Famer’s eyes. “It was like seeing a blind man get his vision back….and dropping him in the middle of a nude beach.” said The Commissioner. “The organizing committee put him in Grampy’s group because Grampy has experience in that area.” Double-Double finished in a solid 4th place and was reached for comment from his Ranch in Windsor. “Listen, they all saw today that there are still bullets in my chamber. I know what I am doing out there. My goal is to get primed and ready for a run at the Intercontinental Championship in the Fall. Now if you will excuse me, I have to get my Daiquiri machine cleaned and oiled for Telley-Kelley’s arrival in a couple of weeks. He overheated it last summer and the thing went on the fritz.”

“IN CASE YOU MISSED IT”

*Making any Hall of Fame is difficult. The accomplishment has to be special, it needs to stand out. However, Mr. Bannister-Hennigar’s effort on the 14th hole stood out Saturday morning and became an instant classic. His toss easily carried 70 yards and rattled off the trees and roof of the toilet before resting comfortably on the turf in the long grass. His accomplishment did not need an emergency meeting of the Hall of Fame Committee to consider its merits…it went straight in the Hall, joining Grampy’s yearly contributions, The Commissioner’s own Crow’s Nest Classic and Waldo’s back wrenching effort from a season ago. Congrats Barry! Welcome to the Club buddy!”

*So the jury has come in on Case #003515 from two weeks ago at The Cheeseburger Picnic. After 1 minute of deliberating, a jury of 12 from Aylesford Lake determined that Harold’s propeller MAY have been damaged during an afternoon cruise whilst organizers were busy BBQ’ing ribs, hamburgers and preparing salads. and homemade rolls. However counsel for the accused is appealing the verdict based on the fact that 7 passengers miraculously lost all memory of the incident and were unable to testify. “We think it is a very unjust verdict simply because everyone on board ended up with a concussion. You can’t ask people to remember things after such an ordeal. I mean, they didn’t ask Gilligan and The Captain how they ended up on a deserted island did they?” said counsel. “There were so many factors that contributed to this disaster. People were talking, the wind was at 2 km/hour, it was very sunny, Kevin was being loud. The list goes on.” No word yet on when the appeal will be heard but the judge has asked that all boating, sea-do and paddle boat activities cease and desist until the case has been fully adjudicated.

*The KWGA tallied 23 birdies on Saturday. The total was good for second place all time for birdies in a round. The record is 25 set back in 2015. However, Inspector Gadget Rushton and Carey-Wasczuk are appealing this record because neither were in the field on Saturday.

FEDEX CUP UPDATE

*Where’s Waldo’s victory at Saturday’s Canadian Open vaulted him from 14th to 8th place, just 1.5 points ahead of 9th place Telly-Kelley. He passed the likes of the aforementioned Telly-Kelley, Maxwell-Smart, The Sherrif, KK (stutter) K and the Denim Cowboy setting up a sprint to the finish at Friday’s KWGA Club Championship. All six men still have a mathematical chance to qualify. I wonder what the pairings will look like this Friday? Hmmmm. Let’s have some fun with this!

*Did you hear that sound? That was Inspector Gadget-Rushton exhaling after surviving and making the FEDEX playoffs, barring a mathematical anomaly, even while missing the final 3 weeks of the regular season due to a camping trip. “He has been away so long that his camping trip is starting to rival Third Legge’s “First Date” camping trip in the summer of ’15.” said Commissioner Ford.

NEWS, NOTES & QUOTES

*”Let me tell you the one about the girl with the limp…” ~Guest Tim “Indy” Prescott    A special thanks to guests Tim and Les Radvanyi who made Saturday a fun and joke-filled day on the links. Anytime fellas!

*Gerry informed me that his gathering in Windsor is tentatively scheduled for Saturday August 20. I will inform you all as more information is gathered.

*The deadline to sign up for this Friday afternoon’s KWGA Club Championship is TONIGHT at 9pm. Volunteers to get tee times are also encouraged and accepted without prejudice.

See you this Friday!

~The Commissioner