KEEPING CANADA GREAT!

Double Double Beats the Heat and Captain America at the 2018 Canadian Open

DOUBLE DOUBLE accepts the 2018 Canadian Open Trophy as Captain America Indianapolis Jones ironically sits in the background. It was the second Canadian Open title of his career. (August 4, 2018.)

Like Clint Eastwood’s drill sergeant character Gunny Highway said in the 1986 film “Heartbreak Ridge”, “I will adapt, improvise and overcome.” You can’t make this stuff up ladies and gentlemen. In an ironic twist, the 2018 Canadian Open came down to two men, two countries, in a battle that will not be forgotten until the next US presidential election. One born, bred and accomplished in the province of Nova Scotia, the other born and bred in Nova Scotia and accomplished in the State of Indiana. Trudeau vs Trump, and now two sides have more to disagree about than a NAFTA agreement. Using his own form of mental combat Saturday afternoon, the man known as Double-Double gave the rest of the KWGA field another blast of Boot Camp Rules for Dummies in winning his second career Canadian Open. His one stroke victory was a reminder that you write off grizzled soldiers at your own peril, because you know what? They may just go digging in their closet one day and dust off the old uniform a la Jim Lahey or Gunny Highway…and that’s when you should be afraid. “It’s been a difficult season to say the least.” said Double Double as monsoon rain pelted off his forehead at Tupper Lake following his round. “Today it was just time to put all of those words into action again. The hard work, the holes in my projection screen at home, the back physio. It was all worth letting another man rub oil on my lumbar region and roll me into positions only a “Stretch Armstrong” could get into for results like today. It feels good to be a major champion again.”

Heading into the tournament there were concerns about just which Double Double would arrive at Ken-Wo GC Saturday morning after a Thursday practice round that had a few bumps and bruises. However, all concerns were laid to rest early as he would start the round with six consecutive pars and a Front Nine 36 gross, his best of the 2018 campaign. Adversity would strike the Tim Horton’s mogul in The Orchard with bogies at both #10 and #11 but like Sergaent Gunny Highway, he adapted, improvised and overcame his disappointing start to the Back Nine. Another string of pars would begin at #12 and a Back Nine 38 gross that would be good enough to hold off Indianapolis Jones in a heart-stopping finish to the season’s final major. “I had almost forgotten what it was like to be in the hunt heading into The Valley.” said a relieved and giddy Double Double. “Finding some kind of consistency under pressure, a go to swing, anything was all that I was thinking about…and trying to avoid one more Sheriff story that involved a bodily function or the Yarmouth Dockyard. This gives me a lot of confidence heading into the Intercontinental Fall Season. Now if you will excuse me I have to wring out my shirt and refill some cream donuts before my wife gets home.”

Saturday’s story also involved a man more known for his glistening dome and personality the size of the state of Indiana. Indianapolis Jones made his KWGA major championship debut Saturday with a round that had every red-blooded American proud (along with a few former Valley girls, names have been redacted for everyone’s safety, Rachel, Lisa, Heather…). Starting on the Back Nine, in more ways than one, Jones impact was immediate with a 38 gross that included a birdie at the Par 5 14th hole that had the internet coverage abuzz with Jones standing at -6 heading into his second nine. After a bogey at #1, Jones would traverse the property at one under par through the 6th hole. He now stood at -6 one stroke ahead of Double Double. “I had a feeling I might be in contention as I stood on #7 tee, it is not an easy hole as everyone knows and like my playing partner’s Doppler Radar skills, I have an ability to sense oncoming calamity.” A bogey at the difficult 7th sent Jones back to -5 and in a tie for the lead with two holes remaining. A solid par at #8 meant the tricky ninth hole would decide things on this humid day. After leaving himself 6 feet for par, Jones was unable to find the bottom and a hollow finish to a fantastic 75 gross round on the day. “I can’t say enough about what it means to compete in this league.” said a bikini-clad Jones from the floating dock in Tupper Lake. “Like some of my high school girlfriends said when I was 17, sometimes all you can do is try Timmy.”

If not for the word controversy, the world would never be able to explain Saturday’s other contender to the Canadian Open title. After a week that saw Waldo make his own grouping (a KWGA major championship first), the oft absent one started ignominiously from the Back Nine with a pedestrian 41 gross but in contention at -5 as he headed into his second nine. Bogies at #3 and #6 dropped him to -3 as solid pars on the finishing three holes cemented his Top 3 bounce back performance. His round included the KWGA ‘s first personal gallery since Double Double’s in 2016 and the Red Bull Cheer Squad’s only appearance in 2015, a fact that seemed to rattle his competition on their final hole. “Grampy and Waldo were both in the fairway sand trap on #9 as I watched from afar in my KWGA cart.” said a giggling Commissioner. “By the time the two of them exited the trap they both had more sand on them than Pig Pen from the old Peanuts cartoon. Sometimes a blood-letting is good for everyone. All that was missing was some water and bikinis…minus all the back hair.”

FEDEX CUP UPDATE

Saturday’s final major cemented four spots in the playoffs as Grampy, Fogg, Gadget and The Commissioner are all 25.0 points clear of being caught by the #10 standing golfer, Biggest Johnson, at 126.5 points with just one tournament left to qualify. Why the #10 standing and not #9 4th Reich you ask? The KWGA got some disappointing news Saturday as The 4th Reich is heading back to Deutschland Tuesday night and has withdrawn his name from contention. That means Biggest Johnson, Mr. Wildcat and Air Bud still have a mathematical chance to qualify Top 8. The Shark, Denim Cowboy and BIP should also not fold their tents as alternates have been required in years past to fill out the Top 8 field for Quarter-Finals (The Barclays Championship). “The FEDEX Cup is a prestigious title and the most difficult to win as it takes 19 weeks of competition in total, that includes 3 weeks of playoffs.” said a matter of fact Commissioner. “It’s like working your whole High School career to ask out that special someone to the prom in Grade 12. Will you be taking the hot blond who you stared at in class for three years….or your mom to the prom.?” Time will tell gentlemen…time will tell.

TUPPER LAKE SOCIAL

KWGA’ers enjoy Tupper Lake Social as host Fogg continues to assure the gathering…”This will pass in 15 minutes. I swear.”

Another awesome social in 2018 as Mike, Anne, Mark and Shannon outdid themselves in a spread fit more for Kings or Greek Gods readying for an orgy. Many thanks for opening your homes and your A-1 hospitality people. It is another piece of heaven on earth that I get to visit in the summer. You reminded me of the reason that this league has grown like it has…because of people and moments like Saturday. Not even monsoon rain, dogs, or a Red Sox win could ruin this day. THANKS A MILLION AGAIN! IT IS MUCH APPRECIATED.

PS…Mike & Mark…Send your bill to The Sheriff. He can afford it…I think he sold another roof Saturday night!

Things I learned in Tupper Lake

*The Fogg sucks as a weather forecaster/analyst…I dare say I have not seen it monsoon rain for that long in The Valley in 20 years. “It’s just a small cell…This cell will pass by in 15 minutes.” 4:39pm

*The Third Legge is a master at political trivia. The man even knew that George Bush Jr.’s term as US President was in the 1980’s. Not many people can get that one.

*The Sheriff kept his streak alive Saturday. Make a birdie, show up post round. Not make a birdie…

*Wasczcyk-Carey is The Man. He was correctly able to guess that my favorite beer is Keith’s and that I wanted to drink three of his green cans in Tupper Lake.

*Fajitas are great…and they keep on giving long after they have been digested. I am sorry in advance.

*I learned that I am safe if my plane ever crashes in water. I may have set the record Saturday for solo floating and water treading at 2h and 15 minutes. Plus I got to do my laundry in the water.

*Not everyone does laundry in the water like me or wears swim trunks at social events. (Names redacted for everyone’s safety Shark, Third Legge…)

NEWS, NOTES & QUOTES

“This could start a new trend…two piece drivers!”

*”Everyone relax. My pension will  cover it.” ~Biggest Johnson

*Neil’s Harbour? Really? Jumpin’ Jesus, BMW’s are not supposed to break down in Neil’s Harbour FFS! No wonder I am going back to Germany this week!” ~4th Reich

*Fellas, I drove by Ken-Wo Saturday night at 8:30pm and I saw something I had never seen before…#3 fairway and green completely under water and a pond in front on #2 tee as big as Tupper Lake!

*We hope to see some of those who were away last week on golf trips and family vacations back on Tour this Saturday August 11. We hope that you had a great time and are ready to do battle once again on the KWGA gridiron with Holly next week! PS…some of you need to shake your heads.

*Next Saturday is the Holly Sonders Golf Channel Memorial. It is a 2 point event on the Pearl Necklace leaderboard with just 4 events left to win it! The sign-up and volunteer box has been posted on the website. Get in the game! See you next week!

~The Commissioner