On a day Halifax paraded its Rainbow Pride and the KWGA used a Rainbow of Tee Boxes, two Hants County men walked the KWGA tightrope in sharing the 2016 Cheeseburger Picnic Saturday afternoon at venerable KenWo GC. Two men joined at the hip and raging through the FEDEX Cup season, Grampy and Hunchback, carded net 64’s and paraded into the sunset, leaving the rest to wonder, is there any stopping this duo? Grampy turned The Hunchback’s trick from just a week ago, firing a 33 gross on the Back Nine, including a stretch where he birdied #14, #17 and #18, while The Hunchback simply went even par 35 gross on the Back Nine to pass a suddenly Greg Norman-esque character in Gadget-Rushton by two strokes. The depravity of their feat, coupled with a very uncomfortable “high five” in Aylesford Lake following the round, turned stomachs from Sydney to Yarmouth. “When you see something like that, it’s very hard for others to understand.” said a befuddled Commissioner. “It’s the same bemused and confused expression that Mr. Furley used to get when he looked at Jack Tripper living with Crissy and Janet on Three’s Company. Does anything actually happen…or is it all in our imagination? That kind of thing.”

With the humidity at the season’s zenith and the threat of thundershowers looming, Grampy’s only stumbles were bogies at #4 and #5 giving him a Front Nine 37. Only a bogey at #15 blemished his Back Nine, and with his 3 birdie Valley, he raced to his car phone to spread the news of his 70 gross to his buddy still playing the final holes below. The Hunchback, having gathered enough sympathy over the last 3 weeks to sink a battleship, once again threw caution and common sense to the wind with birdies at #14 and #17 to join his Hants county Bromance at -6. “Things could not have lined up any better this week.” said a smiling and bespectacled Hunchback. I had my struggles in June and July, spent $200 on Pro V’s alone. I heard the rumours, and spread a few myself about quitting the game and going to work on the UIS Chain Gang. I think people accept and expect my Jekyll & Hyde game now. I am by far the hardest KWGA Pro to handicap and if people don’t accept that, well, then maybe THEY should be the ones putting in an application for the Chain Gang.”

For the 3rd time in the last four weeks, KWGA rookie Inspector Gadget-Rushton landed in the Top 3 Saturday morning in what can only be called a Cinderella Story season. After a 2015 season playing in Triple AAA Glengary Pines, Gadget continued to astound, shooting out of the gates early Saturday with birdies at #3 and #5, grabbing yet another early lead with a Front Nine total of 41. A double bogey at #14 with yet another bogey, bogey, bogey finish to his last three holes was the difference in what otherwise was a stellar outing for a man surrounded and drowning in estrogen at home. “My golf game is coming around.” said a happy yet controlled Gadget. “It’s nice being in the sweet spot and having a chance to win each week, but that freakin’ Hunchback is starting to get on my nerves. He comes to the course with his flashy shorts and reflecting sunglasses…and at this point I just want to help them sink a few cm’s into his nose flesh. I have to find a way to play The Valley a bit better because these guys are gunning for me. Maybe my billet this week for the Canadian Ladies Championship can point me in the right direction for next week.”

               “What? Hunchback did it to me AGAIN??? Not again next week buddy!!”

THE “ALUMNI” EFFECT

“We used to have the steam…Boom, Boom.”

Gathering with old university buddies, playing golf, recounting stories of snipe hunting at The Axe Lounge and Anvil is all well and good, but just what does it do to ones KWGA day? One doesn’t have to look any further than The Shark and The Fogg, two neighbours and golf smiths who were laid to waste at Saturday’s Cheeseburger Picnic, combining for +20 in what can only be called a Windshield and Bug Day. “Listen, what can I say? Some days you are the windshield and some days you are the bug, splattered into gray matter.” said a downtrodden and wilted Fogg. “To say the last 7 days have been a bit full on the social calendar would be a bit misleading. I had the Valley Regional on speed dial for an IV the last three days and plan on taking some hot yoga this week in Centreville in order to cleanse the system a bit. Sharky, you’re coming with me right?”

Both men tried hard…but unlike 1988…They don’t “…have the steam…boom boom…we’ve got the team…boom boom.” to go a full 12 furlongs anymore. A sad day to say the least.

Speaking of cleansing the system. The KWGA had a first Saturday morning. Mr. Wildcat opened his own “KWGA Nature Walk” for any and all members who get that “not so fresh” feeling during their round. Rumour has it that the trail behind #4 green includes refreshments, towels and fully functioning Bidet…and if you don’t feel like finishing your round, a club rack for those who may choose to take in the scenery as opposed to slashing a golf ball around for 14 more holes. “This isn’t a new idea to golfers.” said an angry bird. “It’s just something that I took the bull by the horns with. It doesn’t guarantee that you will play well after you take your walk, but I guarantee you will feel better after my Nature Trail.”

Last but not least, the KWGA’s Denim Cowboy made history as the only member to host Matt Minglewood, OK, some band, the night before a KWGA event. With his FEDEX Cup season on the line, The Cowboy put East End Wolfville on its ear, smashing decibel level records not seen since Janis Joplin’s Gaspereau River Concert circa 1974. Rumour has it that the church across the street shattered and lost some stained glass windows in the debauchery. “I have no comment other than to say that it was Darrell’s fault. Plus the pastor gave us his blessing to have the party…now all that is left is to confess my sins.”

THE EAGLE HAS LANDED

No, I am not talking about Tom Prescott. The KWGA’s first eagle of 2016 was recorded at Saturday’s Cheeseburger Picnic. Weasie Locke’s majestic 6 iron from 120 yards nestled softly into the cup on the Par 4 18th hole in what can only be called gorgeous. “Burkie had just lofted a dandy to 7 feet and The Commissioner had lipped out on #3 for a near eagle earlier, so it was time I took the Main Stage for once. Just like my daughter did in Aylesford Lake….”  WELL DONE WEASIE!!!

                                               GREAT SHOT DAD!

FEDEX CUP UPDATE

With just 3 regular season events remaining on the FEDEX Cup schedule, time is of the essence. Next week’s “Goodbye Ladies” Championship looks to have the smallest field of the year, so some will be looking to take advantage of the situation. With 7th place Biggest Johnson taking another week off and 8th place Mr. Wildcat in Parley Beach expanding his Nature Walk business, the door will be open for players like Maxwell-Smart, Telley-Kelley and The Fogg. The season’s last major, the Canadian Open on Saturday August 6, looms large in deciding just who will qualify for the playoffs. “Summer is a busy time for a lot of guys but the hope is that we can have a bit of a pennant race feel to these last 3 events.” said a beaming Commissioner. “Playing amateur golf under pressure is fun and like watching fish bouncing off the dock. No matter how many times you see it…you can’t look away.

The playoffs are set to begin on Saturday August 20 with The Barclays and run through Saturday September 3. If you know you cannot make these events now, please let me know ASAP. Thanks.

AYLESFORD LAKE

After a hot, muggy, rainy and then sunshiny day on the links, all that was left was a BBQ and Boat Ride Day on gorgeous Aylesford Lake. The elephant in the room Saturday was that one of our members had lost their father…Harold and Catherine, for you to open your home to us during this most difficult time was amazing. I know I personally look forward to my one Aylesford Lake Day all year long. I, along with the rest of the fellas in the KWGA, appreciated your gesture more than words or a homemade card could convey. The food and hospitality made me glad I was raised in a small town because the people make the place….homemade rolls don’t hurt either!!!!  THANKS A MILLION AGAIN!

PS…BOATING CANCELLED IN SUMMER of 2017

News, Notes & Quotes

*”Nick, I have never seen anyone’s tee shot off #17 tee in the woods behind 18 green before! WTF happened?” ~The Commissioner

*Saturday’s “Red, White & Blue Tee” Event produced 16 birdies and 1 eagle! Great shooting out there fellas!

*There is one spot available to play at Paragon Tuesday at 12:45 with me, Burkie and Norm Batherson. Email me if you are interested in playing.

See you next week!

~The Commissioner