COWBOY UP!

DENIM COWBOY ROUNDS UP A RECORD DAY

(AP) New Minas, NS

In a scene straight out of the Twilight Zone, the KWGA’s annual Cheeseburger Picnic saw the league’s Denim Cowboy terrorize the field with a record setting 59 net (75 gross) en route to his second career victory Saturday at KenWo GC. The Cowboy’s 59 bested the record of Telly-Kelley (60 net) set in 2016, a record we may not see broken for many years to come. The win came just one week after a gut-wrenching runner-up sudden death playoff finish at last week’s Players Championship to the same Telly-Kelley, rectifying a wrong in the eyes of the denim one. “I know guys look at me and wonder how I can swing a golf club let alone win a tournament.” said a be-speckled and smiling Cowboy. “If you want me to look like Adam Scott with or without a golf club in my hands then you have the wrong dude. I have been building toward this all season and now it is finally here. Guys will respect me in this league or mark my words, I will open a doggy day care centre with transportation services provided free of charge…whether you like it or not. Seat belts optional.”

“Don’t worry, it won’t hurt.”

Not known for starting fast, the Cowboy cracked the “poodle whip” early Saturday with birdies at #1 and #3, birdies that had the New Minas gallery scrambling for a better view of this “dingo” being caught on film for the first time. The birdies led to a Front Nine 36 gross that had him out in front of the “pack” heading into some difficult blue tees on the back side. However, another birdie at #11 served notice that the hip was loose and free and the rest of the field should be at DEFCON 5 “canine alert”. After bogey blips at #15 and #16, a repeat of last week would not be in order. The Cowboy gently steered his golf vehicle to pars at #17 and #18, also rectifying a terrifying South Shore drive with family and friends from days gone by. The gross 75 was his career best on Tour and good enough for the victory on this day. “I know that my driving in both golf and South Shore day trips is suspect but unlike vaulting two muts out of a car window by accident, I had to take responsibility for my accident last week.” said a beaming Denim Cowboy. “Last week’s loss, as much as I hate to admit it, hurt. It felt like I had fallen out of a moving vehicle. Today everyone gets ice cream and a safe ride home.”

Saturday’s hard luck stories came in the form of a Shark and a Sleuth. After a summer of golf discontent and torment, the KWGA’s version of a Shark Attack also ravaged the unique Red, White and Blue setup to the tune of a net 61 which included the league’s first eagle of the season at the Par 5 6th. In all, the razor toothed wonder piled up 13 pars along with his eagle, with only a double bogey 6 on the Par 4 4th hole besmirching his card. Standing on #17 tee at -11 he surely thought that victory was his and avoiding double bogeys would be good enough to win. However, bogeys at #17 and #18 would inevitably cost the KWGA’s sexiest man his third career title in a record setting score for a non-winner on Tour. If you thought you were unlucky, just try and be Maxwell-Smart for a day will you? A gross 71 that included birdies at the opening three holes meant a 6 handicap stood at -9 standing on #4 tee, a recipe that is usually good enough for a win. However, the birdies would dry up like ribs in three day old tin foil and the Sleuth would have to settle for an unlucky 3rd place finish on this day. “All I can do is fire at flag sticks and let the rest take care of itself.” said an irate postman. “If you didn’t understand the term “going postal” before, it means shooting 71 gross and not winning. I can’t complain though, it has been a lucrative rang year on tour and that means plenty of doggy treats at home. I know how to treat canines.”

“No wonder nobody notices my ribs.”

Rounding out the Top 3 was a man who has quietly squeezed on to a FEDEX Cup qualifying season as firmly as he did his beaux at the post game BBQ. That’s right, there was another Inspector Gadget sighting in the Top 3 this week after a gross 80 (65 net) that sometimes wins tournaments. Catching the Cowboy’s powerful slip-stream, Gadget found a birdie at #5 and a Front Nine 39 that set him up for a Back Nine surge. A fantastic 5 at the 444 yard 16th hole was followed by pars at #17 and #18, a stretch that had all 15 handicaps glassy eyed from coast to coast. Envy oozed from playing partners and all that witnessed on the lowest scoring day on Tour in 2018. “If you didn’t score today with some of these tees you were obviously thinking about post round festivities a little too soon.” said a confident Gadget. “Some of these guys were thinking about things they haven’t seen in many years…their ribs. I focused on what was important, gentle fades and staying out of trouble both at home and on the golf course. My day is coming soon.”

FEDEX CUP UPDATE

Just three regular season events remain as the 2018 FEDEX Qualifying season winds down and the intrigue is as thick as the air inside the tent of a 4H Club oxen pull competition. The Fogg continues to lead the pack even after a last place finish this week that garnered him as many points as his new vegen diet….zero. The Sleuth Maxwell-Smart continued his blistering play of late and jumped to second place with 149.5 points. Like Sidney Crosby, you can only hope to contain him, not stop him. The Commissioner, Gadget, Grampy, 4th Reich and Mr. October also hold down spots in the Top 8. Mr Wildcat and Telly-Kelley continued their personal sword fight yesterday for the 8th and final qualifying spot with Wildcat leep-frogging a spot at yesterday’s Cheeseburger Picnic.

The big question is, how much will the Acadia Alumni and Ken-Wo Club Championshp affect our league`s standing? With Bannister-Hennigar continuing to be held hostage in Toronto and The Hunchback in Cape Breton, they will need a win at the Canadian Open and some help. BIP, Fogg and his “lake mate” Shark will also be missing in action this Friday and will also be looking for some Canadian Open magic. Never fear gentlemen, as Donald Trump proved in his election, all you need is a little luck and some Russian interference…and you are gold.

THANK-YOU HAROLD AND KATHERINE!!!

Boys, if you missed it Saturday, you missed another reason to be happy Aylesford Lake exists, even on a misty, cloudy day. Thank-you Harold and Katherine for letting us into your home once again. Your hospitality and “fixins” made it sunny and yummy on my insides and from what I saw, everyone else’s who also made the drive out to the lake. The homemade rolls, bacon wrapped scallops and Nanaimo squares had me wishing there was a room for rent there! The only problem in all of this is that I went back over 300 lbs after yesterday. Next year I am biking out to Aylesford like the 4th Reich did a few summers ago! We look forward to the 2019 Cheeseburger Picnic as I believe the KWGA got through a probationary year where nothing got broke or went missing…only a certain bald tire went flat that didn’t belong to you! THANKS AGAIN!!!!

NEWS, NOTES & QUOTES

*”Hey John…C’mere.” ~Grampy

*Mark Gavin’s 61 net was the best net score not to win in KWGA history. He bested the record set by Doug Irwin (62 net) set in 2016.

*Boys, I just want to thank everyone for their input this weekend in making the Cheeseburger Picnic another success. From the Ken-Wo staff who allowed me to invade their kitchen on a very busy wedding preparation day, to Burkie for helping me get the ribs and BBQ sauce evacuated from said kitchen and wrapped in foil for the ride to Aylesford. That was a bigger job than anyone knows. If you saw the commotion in the kitchen when we walked in to get them out of the ovens you would truly know. There isn’t a lot of space for someone 6’5 and 298 lbs in that sweat box. It made me break my water and make the floor slippery for the rest of the day. I also want to thank Johnny Kenny for the best belly laugh I have had in several years! See some of you on Friday morning!

~The Commissioner