The phrase “It’s Carey and Newcombe, neck and neck… down the stretch they come!” is certainly not one heard every day…but that’s just what happened Saturday afternoon at KenWo GC in the KWGA season opener. Newcombe’s Front Nine 37 had the Windsor standout poised to throttle the field in what was a display of shot-making not seen since Gerry’s simulator in February. However, it was not to be for The Hunchback, as a catastrophic 9 on the pesky 16th hole proved to be his undoing, falling one short of his first career victory.

The benificiary was KWGA rookie Nick Waszczuk-Carey, whose solid bogey on the 18th hole was enough to reel in his first career win and the $20 Winner-Winner-Chicken Dinner cheque. Not much was expected of the avid fisherman coming into the event but it became clear he would be a factor early on with pars at #1 and #2. “I am not sure what to say right now.” said Waszczuk-Carey. “I am used to competing for lumber and fish, so getting myself into the heat of a Back 9 charge is a bit new to me. I think being totally oblivious to my golfing surroundings worked to my advantage today. I feel bad for The Hunchback but there will be other days for him. You can’t have professional Titleist irons like he does and be far from a victory.”

Also surprising Saturday afternoon was the ever-smiling Weasie Locke, whose 3rd place finish represented his best performance since his “Immaculate Conception” almost one year ago. Weasie negotiated the Back Nine’s first six holes in just +3 spearheading his own charge up the leaderboard. “I was running late this morning and I think it gave me a very laisez-faire attitude all day.” said Locke. “Plus I don’t get nervous in tournaments. I can’t open my eyes wide enough to see where I stand on a scoreboard, so I just wait for someone to tell me if my score is any good.”

Also highlighting Saturday’s play was Barry Bannister-Hennigar whose 3 birdie round topped the field all the while filling his vehicle with rang gas. Sporting his first pair of Kurt Rambis signature series rims, the KWGA’s first and only entrant in the NYC Marathon dazzled with 2 darts on two Par 3’s on the Back Nine. “I knew I would get teased out here but I thought it would be for something other then wearing glasses for the first time. Children can be so cruel sometimes.”

Saturday also saw the Christening of what is surely to become all the rage in the KWGA…Grampy Burke’s new putting stroke. A cross between croquet and a curling sweep, all that was missing was a pair of broom ball shoes and the sound of circus music on the green. “Laugh now you guys. I guarantee at least 6 or 7 guys in this league will be putting like me by the end of June.” said Grampy. “People can think what they want but I won 3 provincial croquet titles using this motion. Plus my girlfriend says its made me more efficient with the mop around the house. Frig Off.”

KWGA Tip of the Week

How to Play “Hung Over”

Not many are blessed with the talent to swing a golf club while legally intoxicated so if you find yourself in this predicament, it may be a good idea to pay heed. After scouring the piles of microfiche littering the bowels of the Acadia University Library and interviews with professional liquor pigs throughout the Valley, a common theme arose quickly. As professional drinker Jeff Legge put it, “It really is an art. You have to stay under the radar before the round, do a lot of nodding when spoken to and laugh when everyone else is. You know, mix in quietly. Then start with a double bogey and Front Nine 43 so that your playing partners start to feel a bit sorry for you. Maybe even break into a limp a few holes into the round (“Frig, my achilles/temples are killing me fellas.”). Last but not least, make sure you sit close to an exit at the post round banquet. A quick getaway is always critical…if none of this helps you, just canvas the residents of Tupper Lake. I am sure they can help you.”

Injury Report

Doug Irwin– The 4th Reich’s hand and forearm looked like hamburger meat Saturday morning after a mid-week tumble over his 10 speed’s handlebars. Irwin’s injuries had many in the gallery running for barf bags, while some wondered aloud if he had contracted leprosy. “Irwin’s a tough guy. To come out here and play when his wife told him to stay home so that she could nurse his injuries was heroic. I can’t say enough about him.”

News, Notes & Quotes

-“Pull it Kev..no, I meant the flag stick bud.” -Weasie   Locke’s utterance came just seconds before he called his shot, chipping in for birdie from off the green on #14.

-“This 5 day work week thing sucks.” -Commissioner Ford   The Commissioner’s referenced his fatigue after working the full week before Saturday’s tournament.

-I have posted the updated accounting information on the website after Saturday’s collection of membership dues.

-I have posted the tournament sign up for next Saturday’s Captain Crazy Invitational on the website. If you plan to play, click on YES first…then on CONFIRM. The deadline to sign up is Monday night at 7pm.

-I have added the Captain Crazy Invitational tab to the website under TOURNAMENT SCHEDULE. Please refer to that tab for information on the tournament field, tee times, volunteer list etc.

-We will need lots of volunteers to book tee times again this week…because if we don’t have tee times…We have nothing.

If you have any problems with the website, do not hesitate to get in touch with me.

See you next Saturday!

~The Commissioner