You may not like his style, stories or hair but Sheriff John put the KWGA on notice Saturday morning that the badge-toting neanderthal is not someone to be taken lightly. After assuring the KWGA brass earlier in the week that he had turned over a new leaf, Sheriff John reaped the rewards of his positive karma and rode the wave of a new found confidence and a series of crisp approach shots in The Valley to take down his second title of 2015. A rock solid 38 outward nine carded nary a birdie but the Centreville Bum-Stinger found a way to overcome a double-bogey on #14 with pars on the tough sixteenth and seventeenth holes that gave him a 2 shot cushion over a crushed Commissioner and a furious Fogg. “The thing I like about coming out here every Saturday is seeing the fear in the eyes of my brethren and telling the occasional joke.” said an elated Sheriff. “They may not let me play fake cop with them anymore, but some of them know I could get them in a lot of trouble if they crossed me. I take my role as an authority figure in this league very seriously. One of these Saturdays I may even wear my old cop slacks with the fancy stripe down the side just to prove that point. I don’t have as much ball room in them as I used to, but it may be worth one or two strokes of intimidation for the FEDEX playoffs.”

Adding to Saturday’s drama was Commissioner Ford who stood on #17 tee 2 under par for his round and in front of the field by a stroke looking for his career best score. However, calamity would strike the Half-Tonne-‘O-Fun with the force of morning flatulence. After a hooked tee shot into the right woods, a miraculous out to #16 fairway, the Commissioner’s 3rd shot found the crook of a tree and a nest of ants left of #17 green, forcing an unplayable lie and subsequent penalty drop. When the beads of sweat finally stopped dripping, 8 strokes were counted. A bogey on #18 added further insult to mental injury. “This was a day that was supposed to be a career day.” said The Commissioner. “Shooting a score in the 60’s, for me personally is pure fantasy, like envisioning a harem of naked dancers feeding me grapes. All I want to do right now is vomit all over myself. You have to give that Sheriff credit, he played the tough holes well and deserved the win today. I will regroup and learn from my mistakes today…and hopefully get these ham & cheese sandwich chunks washed out of my hair.”

Commissioner Ford takes a moment to compose himself near #17 green after tapping in for triple bogey 8 and flirtation with his first sub-70 round.

Rounding out the Top 3 was none other than The Fogg, whose vomit was also on full display in The Valley late Saturday morning. Birdies at #2 (6 inches from hole in one), #10 and #15 had the Bowdoin Basketballer primed for a mid-70’s round or better. With no medication in sight all day, the tremors began on #14 with an inexplicable 9 followed by a bloated 8 on #17. In fact, The Fogg’s finish was on full display when his light pink chemise had more sweat stains on it than Patrick Ewing after 4 quarters. “I really worked hard out there today and I can see the improvements in my game daily.” said The Fogg. “I played for more than myself today. Freddie Herbin was a legend at KenWo  and in Wolfville and that’s where I grew up. Everyone knew Fred. My heart is broken that I couldn’t get it done today for him and his beloved Town of Wolfville. At least he would have loved my outfit.”

Also having a solid tournament was Mr. Wildcat, whose run of 80’s golf has reached near Cal Ripken level. However, double-bogeys at #10 and the finishing eighteenth derailed his chance at victory. “I am just going to stick with his just like my dad did back in the day.” said formerly KKK. “I can feel it coming. Today was a mini-breakthrough kinda like a mini-stroke. Let’s hope I break 80 on tour before I have a stroke!”

How well do you know your brethren?

A.) I grew up watching, cheering and poisoning my son with chants of Guy! Guy! Guy!…Blue, blanc et rouge.

My basketball skills included zero rebounding/inside the paint play and a “tippy toe” tavern league jump shot.

I purposely moved closer to a bowling alley so that I could walk home after cock-tailing.

My understanding of time & space and its relationship has dwindled over the years.

I currently hold the record for lowest gross score in KWGA history.

Who am I?

B.) I spend my free time in winters taking copious amounts of verbal abuse from enraged basketball coaches.

I enjoy being told what to do by both a wife and boyfriend.

I do not have a preferred shot shape simply because I trust myself as much as Fat Albert locked in a confectionery.

I have this innate ability to make people feel sorry for me even though I am in 1st place in the FEDEX Standings.

My pursuit of the “Son of the Year” award is unquenchable.

Who am I?

FEDEX Cup Update

The stretch run to make the playoffs has officially begun with just 5 events left on the regular season schedule. Some interesting races have surfaced and some have seemingly punched their ticket. With Doug Irwin bowing out of contention, that means The Weasel Brent Locke holds down the final playoff spot with 111.5 points. However, he has a phalanx of pursuers in Mark Gavin & Barry Hennigar (-1 point behind), Gary Johnson (-2 points behind), Wayne Burke (-9 points behind), Gerry Elliott (-9.5 points behind). Outside shots include Rod Murray (-14 points behind) and Kevin Poirier (-25 points behind). Gerry is off to the Mediterranean and will miss the next 2 weeks on tour sunning himself and peering at European mankinis, so he will be pinning his hopes on the Canadian Open and its double points in order to have a chance to defend his title. Jeff Legge is the darkhorse in all of this. Plenty of game to spare the only question is…Can he get away from “couples camping” the odd Saturday to make a final push? Can Bob Maxwell now concentrate on golf now that the longest wedding planning in Valley history is now complete? All these questions and more will be answered in the coming weeks.

News, Notes & Quotes

-The group of Elliott (4), Thomson (3), White (3) and N. Batherson (3) combined for 13 birdies on the day making it the highest total for a foursome in KWGA history.

-I just want to take this chance to thank Doug Irwin for an awesome summer of golf, fun and friendship in 2015 and wish him and his team (Regensburg, GER) the best of luck with their upcoming season. It’s hard to believe 3 months went by so quickly and I look forward to your return for the 2016 KWGA season already! Doug leaves the tour 4th in the FEDEX Standings and would no doubt be a serious threat to win the Cup! Hopefully someday you will be able to take your rightful swing at the title!

Hey look! It’s Grampy coming down the left wing!

-“Oh wow! Awesome! I just realized, now that Doug is gone I move up one spot in the FEDEX Standings! Shame to see you go Doug!” ~Grampy

-Next week we celebrate golf’s crown jewel and the many years and viewing hours of Holly Sonders on The Golf Channel. We miss you Holly!

-Lots of fun this week again fellas. The stretch run to the FEDEX Playoffs has officially arrived. Please make sure that you know you can make your tee time before signing up. It makes my life much easier. See you next week!

-The sign-up boxes for next week’s event have been posted on the website. The deadline to sign up is Monday night 8pm. Please grab an oar and volunteer to book a tee time.

~The Commissioner (How will I ever fall asleep tonight?)