The 2015 season has been a Jekyll and Hyde virtuoso for the KWGA’s luckiest golfer. Windsor’s answer to erectile dysfunction has struggled to find consistency on tour after a change to side-saddle putting and a multitude of swing paths. However, as the KWGA was reminded again Saturday morning…when Grampy is ON, he is impossible to stop. Grampy was the poster boy of consistency at The Holly Sonders Golf Channel Memorial. After a close call at the Sonders in 2014 (Tied 1st), Grampy started the Front Nine with 7 pars, a birdie and a lonely bogey on the third hole and made the turn in 35 strokes. The Back Nine featured 6 more pars and 3 bogeys giving him a finishing 73 (-4) and a 3 stroke edge over a helpless Air Bud Woodworth. Where did this sudden burst come from you ask? “First, I have wanted to bag Holly for many years now. This is certainly a coveted title and a dream come true. As far as the golf, it’s simple fellas. When you see tree-lined fairways as backboards and water hazards as frozen ice rinks, it takes a lot of stress away from any tough shot.” said a smug Grampy. “I just don’t understand how anyone could be scared standing over a golf shot. It makes no sense to me. You just have to think of your ball always going forward, never deviating from its target, and the game becomes simple.”

The win was the second this season for Burke and put him smack dab in the race for FEDEX playoffs, currently standing in 9th place after toiling in the nether-regions of abyss for most of the summer. “When I clicked in and realized that Doug leaving for Germany was a good thing for me, it gave me a lot of confidence to play loose and free.” said Grampy. “He has been a thorn in my side since this league took off. Sorry to see you go Doug.” Commissioner Ford congratulated Grampy following the round, however shook his head at a man who stares down karma like Mr. Magoo does while driving on the wrong side of the highway. “It makes me shake my head if I am honest.” said a beleaguered Commissioner. “If I ever said anything like ‘Sorry to see you go Doug’ in a sarcastic tone, the karma Gods would simply destroy me. This Grampy…it’s like he is made of golf Teflon. He says it, laughs, and then goes out and shoots 73. I keep hearing that Rod Stewart song in my head…Some guys have all the luck…Some guys get all the pain…”

Holly also got to see another suitor come close but end up buying the drinks and going home without the girl on Saturday. Air Bud Woodworth’s strong second half of 2015 continued with a runner-up finish, his second such placing in the last 3 weeks. Air Bud came firing out of the blocks like a Usain Bolt jockstrap, birdieing the first hole while stringing together 5 pars in a row to make the turn in 36 strokes. However, a double-bogey at #10 ultimately derailed any chance to beat the KWGA’s grand old man. “Things are going well for me right now. I have reacquainted myself with the middle of the fairway and have taken some strides in eliminating big scores.” said a refreshed Air Bud. “Winning on tour is a difficult proposition with so many varying handicaps. What I don’t appreciate is being teased about winning before the final group has come up and signed their scorecard. That was a bit cruel. This is a long season…and like a good hockey goon…I know how to take a look back to see what number jersey just gave me a cheap shot.”

Rounding out the Top 3 were a trio of characters that know something about major championships…and bowling alleys. Bob Maxwell-Smart, fresh off the finest Greek wedding in Valley history fired a 74 (+1) out of nowhere, laying claim that there MUST be a practice range SOMEWHERE on the North Mountain. Another major winner, Mark “The Shark” Gavin proved that his 2015 Players Championship was no fluke with a dazzling 77 that featured 3 birdies after a two week layoff… and the prettiest grey/baby blue ensemble of the day. Finally, the man no one counts as a threat but likes it that way, Where’s Waldo-Murray, fired a 78 (+1) that kept him within striking distance of the FEDEX Playoffs. “This is a marathon, not a sprint.” said Waldo from the comfort of his corner swivel chair at Gigglers Bar. “This isn’t my first rodeo and I know how to make the playoffs without playing every event. Heck, how do you think I made it through my last year of teaching?”

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HOW NOT TO LOOK FOR A GOLF BALL

By The Shark & Waldo

In what can only be called “a golf car crash”…KWGA veteran “The Shark” found the narrow yet steep crick that traverses the 6th fairway with his tee shot. Seeing his playing partner in distress, playing partner Waldo took it upon himself to get involved, and somewhat physical in his attempt to find that elusive Titleist wallowing in the mucky water below. “It was only minutes, but it seemed like hours, watching those two dick around that crick like two old ladies looking for the remote control to their stair climber at home.” said an exasperated Commissioner. “I mean, it’s a water hazard and only a freakin’ golf ball…take a quick peek and move on.” However, Waldo simply would not give up the hunt, finally jumping into the muddy embankment once the Titleist was located. “Then it started to look like male mud wrestling to me.” said the Commissioner. “Two men on their knees, lots of splashing, smiling and ultimately relief. All that was missing was a $10 bill stuffed in someone’s Banana Hammock. I was kinda disgusted personally.”

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THE FEDEX CUP~PLAYOFF RACE

As legendary ABC Sportscaster Keith Jackson used to exclaim…”Whoaaaaaaaaa Nellie!!” The 2015 season is coming down the stretch and it couldn’t get any closer or more interesting both at the top…and the cut-off line. The trio of Newcombe, Amirault and D.Thomson have played musical chairs at the top of the standings for the better part of the season. Newcombe’s Back Nine 37 on Saturday kept him from falling to third in a fantastic recovery after “the shakes” on the Front Nine. Nobody has been more consistent than The Sheriff this season. He just keeps coming out week after week like a case of herpes in what can only be called a “break out” season. The Commissioner is feeling the strain of a 3 handicap and a case of turf toe but is managing to hang on near the top.

However, the most exciting race is happening at the cut off. Doug Irwin’s departure and decision to value hockey, marraige and a career over golf fun is puzzling but has meant a free for all in the standings. Grampy Burke took hold of the final spot at The Sonders with The Shark nipping at his Depends Undergarments, trailing by just one point. Barry Bannister-Hennigar is next, just 6 points out of a playoff birth. Has anyone seen Gary Biggest Johnson? The Hantsport baller has vanished from the scene after climbing to 9th in the standings and with his game and handicap will no doubt be dangerous. A vacationing Elliott means he should come back rested and void of any negative golf thought and will also be dangerous…how can you not be after seeing so many Mediterranean treasures? In a shocking move this week, The Weasel went boy bonding in the woods in NB instead of The Sonders and will need a top 3 at The Canadian Open to qualify for the playoffs. Can one count out Where’s Waldo? That’s just the way he likes it…once you count him out, he finds a way to bite you…just ask his many….nevermind.

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News, Notes & Quotes

Mr. Wildcat could believe his bad luck…losing his ball on a harmless second shot on the 17th hole. “Don’t worry Kirk, they all even out.” ~Grampy

~KWGA Rookie Kevin “Mr. Wildcat” Poirier became the second golfer to be disqualified from a round in 2015. Poirier was on pace for his first sub-80 round when golf fate pulled the rug out from the all-star second baseman. “Now I know how the Commissioner feels.” said Mr. Wildcat. “I came over the hill on #17 and my ball turned up missing. It was almost like someone came down #16 fairway and picked it up like it was money or something. Disappointing day.”

~In a mathematical anomaly, Saturday saw only 3 rangs being won with 4 holes being cut off with birdies. That’s really unlikely…and somewhat unlucky.

~I just realized…those goggles Newcombe wears ever week…they remind me of someone.

“Ohhhhhhhh Yeahhhhhhh. Right there yaaaaaaaaa!”

~Next week we will honour Legends Lounge and the 20+ years of fond memories that it holds. It may have burned down but no one can take away the phone numbers I gathered there. Make sure you sign up by 8pm on Monday August 17.~See you next week!

~The Commissioner

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