FRIDAY APRIL 10

4:00pm

“THE KWGA INVADES THE ‘WO”

Kev: “Grampy, looks like you pissed yourself.”
Grampy: “Looks like you did too bud.”

 Fellas…

I don’t know about you but this delayed spring has me going out of my tree. I can’t even look at a golf ball, clutch a club while watching The Golf Channel or shine up my beautiful orange spikes without it giving me gas. As much as this pains me to say, I actually miss some of my KWGA brethren, warts and all. That’s why I am hoping to see as many of you as possible this Friday at KenWo for the Masters Party. It’s a great way to support our club, see people we secretly dispise but smile at anyway, get some free food and maybe even have a laugh.

Now I am not saying you need to get as liqoured up as Mr. Lahey and Bobandy and land in the Drunk Tank. What I am saying is, since we can’t golf, we might as well get together and have a snort together. Plus I know a lot of you SHOULD be taking Derek, Dan and Rene up on those free pointers off #1 tee. I know I intend to take a rip…since it will be another month before I can do it again!

Things you should know about me right now…I am not in the best spirits lately because (a) DUKE won (b) The Leafs season was a disaster (c) My beloved Cleveland Browns sucked and their two best players landed in rehab (d) I asked a girl out the other day and she said no (so what if she was 21…I had to give it a shot right?) and lastly (e) I have read too many emails from KWGA members teasing me about golfing down south. Now I am not unsociable because of the above…just sensitive…so proceed with caution.

Friday’s party will be a great chance to welcome back Wayne and Gerry from their Chinese food adventure. (The over/under line on the contraction of diarrhea is 3 days.). I am sure there are stories that MUST be heard. I am most curious about (a) who got on whose nerves first (b) how each couple managed to find a way to have relations without any others hearing or finding out (c) how far they REALLY walked down the Great Wall and (d) Did the Chinese natives understand Wayne’s English?

Friday may also be a good time to bring up any issues or thoughts about our 2015 KWGA season…or even pay your $20 dues for the year. I will be bringing along our official KWGA mascot for safe keeping.

Please be kind…no Rubles or Yen please.

Harrah’s Sports Book and Casino- Las Vegas, NV

2015 FEDEX Cup Championships Odds

The KWGA League Office also got exciting news this month. The kind odds-makers at Harrah’s in Las Vegas have been kind enough to render their odds for the 2015 KWGA season.

HAROLD “MR. OCTOBER” FISHER (5-2)– Sporting a 17 handicap and a bushel-full of swings down South this winter, Fisher will be a tough cat to deal with on a week to week basis. Plus he didn’t get that nickname for nothing. Two first place finishes in the 3 handicapped FEDEX Cup playoff events to end the 2014 season cemented this pick.

“THE DONALD” BRYSON (3-1)– Nobody locks down Palm Springs and American MILF like Mr. Bryson. A balmy winter in Southern California should have this Hortonville Fabio primed and ready to make a run at the Cup. Bryson also thrived during the FEDEX Cup playoffs with a tie for 1st, 3 Top 3’s and a 5th. The sky is the limit in 2015.

WAYNE “GRAMPY” BURKE (4-1)– Some will question his off-season committment after trips to Myrtle Beach, China and Lower Wolfville. However, Grampy has proved that he will show up every week, play hard and use his uncanny knack for ridiculous bounces to his advantage. Three Top 4’s in the FEDEX Playoffs prove that having a 5 handicap won’t hinder this Scientific Marvel.

JOHNNY “THE DENIM COWBOY” KENNY (6-1)– Kenny enters his rookie year on tour and it has not fooled Harrah’s. Sporting a 10 handicap with a game that belies his age and athletic ability, Kenny will no doubt challenge the KWGA’s elite in 2015. Couple that with a Florida Mini-Tour stint in March, and this Wolfville product will be a factor in 2015. Let’s just hope he leaves the denim behind on tour this season.

JEFF “THIRD” LEGGE (6-1)– Legge came on strong late last season and is pound for pound the KWGA’s longest hitter. At 139 lbs, Legge uses his slight frame and quiet demeanor to veil a steely competitive glare. Legge will start the season with a 7 handicap while clutching his 2014 Rookie of the Year award. Look out!

GERRY “DOUBLE DOUBLE” ELLIOTT (7-1)– Nobody will ever dominate the KWGA Tour again like Elliott did in 2014. However, a 1 handicap will make life difficult for Tim Horton’s beloved son in 2015…along with all of his winter lessons to his competitors. However, with the ability to shoot 67, nobody will be crying in his Budweiser in 2015. Look for Double Double to still be a player down the stretch.

ARNIE TELLY-KELLEY (8-1)– If Thomas The Train could do it…so can Telly-Kelley in 2015. Blessed with stamina, determination and his beloved long wand, nobody grinds on opponents with rain delay tactics quite like the KWGA’s ball-peen hammer. He will collect points every week, make every swing count…then soak his swollen plates of meat in ice in front of his TV following the round. I am cheering for ya buddy!

ROD “WHERE’S WALDO?” MURRAY (8-1)– The obvious questions with Murray each season notwithstanding, the man has game. A league record 67 at The Heritage last season proved that point in spades. However, Murray will need to prove that 2014 wasn’t a fluke and with a 5 handicap to enter the season that will be a tall order. If Murray can stay out of his own way, betters will be knocking patrons down on their way to the betting window with those 8-1 odds.

COMMISSIONER DEREK FORD (8-1)– The Commissioner is hoping his off-season regimen will be enough to get him over the hump in 2015. After coming within one stroke of victory in 2014, no player will be as motivated as Ford to climb the mountain. A long winter of sleepless nights reliving his double bogey at #16 in the FEDEX Final and chasing rabbits at the Acadia gym have fueled his fire. The 5 handicap will be his biggest obstacle.

MARK “PANTY SHARK” GAVIN (10-1)– Nobody questions this man’s ability to shine on #1 tee. The KWGA’s #1 drawing card with the ladies, Gavin will be looking to shed the “Fowler” image and tag of looking pretty but never winning the Big One. The main issue here is just how many Saturday’s will The Shark be able to play? If he can play 12 events, he has a shot, if not, bring your cameras anyway…he always delivers the money shot.

KEVIN “KKK” POIRIER (11-1)– The son of KenWo Legend Wayne Poirier, this KWGA rookie enters 2015 with a 6 handicap and plenty of experience on our hallowed ground. He may remind you of Corey Pavin without the mustache but can grip and rip with the best of them. The only question with KKK this season is just how many women’s soccer tournaments will he have to attend come the fall?

SHERIFF JOHN AMIRAULT (13-1)– I know what you are thinking…John wins? “Ya right.” However, The Sheriff showed flashes in 2014, practiced meditation and Hot Yoga, stopped wearing underwear 2 sizes too small for him and stayed away from Yarmouth during the off-season. Those factors alone should sway your thinking. Plus a 12 handicap will make his on course jokes even funnier in 2015.

MIKE “THE FOGG” WHITE (13-1)– Nobody knows how to swing with a cartilage locked knee quite like The Fogg. White eschewed off-season surgery that would have cost him a chance at the Cup so nobody can question his commitment. 16 strokes a round, lessons with Elliott and points each and every Saturday will make The Fogg a factor in 2015. The only question will be can he make a pressure putt? This ain’t free throw shooting after all.

KEVIN “HUNCHBACK” NEWCOMBE (14-1)– The Hunchback spoiled himself with $2000 Titleist irons in the off-season to sharpen a game that was coming on at the tail end of 2014. Bouyed by the Net scoring system, a 12 handicap, self-depracation and Wayne’s encouragement one can only try and contain Newcombe in 2015. Newcombe’s biggest obstacle will be keeping Grampy away from his mom.

GARY “THE BIGGEST” JOHNSON (14-1)– Hantsport hasn’t been the same since Johnson’s epic 13 strokes on the 18th hole last season. The question is, can the psychological damage from that day be salved in time for 2015? Johnson will sport a 12 handicap to start the season which should keep him in the hunt most weeks. However, only Tiger Woods return will be more closely scrutinized on tour this season.

BARRY BANNISTER-HENNIGAR (15-1)– The KWGA’s finest long distance runner played in just 8 events last season but finished an astounding 11th on the FEDEX Cup points list. It may be a tall order to finish in the Top 8 and qualify for the playoffs playing just 8 events in 2015. However, with Bluenose Cup experience under his belt and a twinkle-toes swing, Barry may have his KWGA competition singing the blues. Let’s just hope he brings his sister to sing along one day.

NICK “THE LEVEE BROKE” LEVY (18-1)– Levy posted 3rd, 4th and 12th place finishes in his 3 events last season and then vanished when the calendar hit June. A KWGA search party was sent out for him and finally found him in his wife’s doghouse. Levy has game, the only question is, does he have time? If he can stay out of the doghouse, play 8 events with a 12 handicap, he may obliterate the field. After all, man did manage to make it to the moon too.

RENE “SHOOTER” MACKAY (20-1)– The Shooter had four Top 3 finishes in 5 events last season and qualified an astounding 8th under the circumstances. His specialties are Majors (where FEDEX points are doubled) and ground hockey in his driveway where his wife can keep a close eye on him. The only question with The Shooter is…Will he be able to play in the FEDEX playoffs? Harrah’s betting he won’t be able to…PEI will be calling.

PHIL STADLER-FEELY (22-1)– Feely stunned the KWGA with his two 9th place finishes in his two events last season while raking in 3 rangs. The gall of the man to hit and run like he did has many secretly gunning for his scalp in 2015. The theory here is that now that his boyfriend JK has joined the fray that Feely will play more then two events in 2015. If that is the case, 22-1 could be a steal….if not…see you at The Red Line Bar.

BOB MAXWELL-SMART (25-1)– Bob knows big moments and Major titles. However, winning the FEDEX Cup requires longevity and fall availability. It’s also probably best that no one in the KWGA wear antlers or bunny ears this season lest they find themselves hanging upside down in his garage. The only way Maxwell-Smart wins a FEDEX Cup is if he quits hunting…or the moose and deer start shooting back.

BRENT “WEASIE” LOCKE (33-1)– There is no way you can pick against someone who has a newborn at home, lacks finesse in his golf game, can’t keep his eyes open when he smiles, hunts in the fall when the FEDEX playoffs take place and plays in just 3 events like he did in 2015. OK, so that’s a lot to overcome. I change my mind, you can take it to the bank…Weasie won’t be winning a FEDEX Cup in 2015…but we love him just the same.

TOM FONDA-THOMSON (40-1)– Fonda plans to play an expanded schedule and bring his On Golden Pond chapeau back in 2015. Always doubting his ability and thinking he can’t compete, Fonda will be a difficult out sporting a 14 handicap to start the season and remind some of Hunchback Newcombe with his self-deprecating rhetoric. However, “fall golf” is as foreign to him as the remote control in his own home. In other words, count him out for the playoffs

NICK CAREY-WASZCZUK (40-1)– The KWGA’s version of TSN’s “Fins and Skins” Henry Waszczuk, nobody knows how to span North America for fish and game quite like Carey. Carey did the KWGA “ride along” program last season, playing skins only with the KWGA lads, so his full game is a mystery. The theory here is that there will be no way Carey will be around in the fall for the playoffs…the fish will be biting then.

PETER “HYUNDAI” SIMMONS (45-1)– When boating on a crystal clear lake on the South Shore and being with family on weekends is more important than golf, well, you know you have issues…and no shot at a FEDEX title. However, with 4 non-Saturday events on the schedule for 2015, we may actually see the car man’s fancy pants a little more. What’s that sound? I can already hear the ladies cat calls from 3 fairways away….MEOW!

BOB “BIP” TRAINOR (50-1)– Nobody quite knows what to expect whenever BIP tees it up each day, including BIP himself. Trainor made a cameo appearance on Tour last season and it went as well as an adult circumcision. This season will no doubt be a learning experience for this former Wolfville resident. Things like following rules, drops, finishing rounds and keeping score will all be new to Trainor. A long shot for certain.

DOUG “THE 4TH REICH” IRWIN (100-1)- There is no questioning Irwin’s mettle and his whirlwind swing is grooved and made for KenWo. Irwin finished 7th in FEDEX points in 2014 even while missing the season’s final 7 events. It’s as mind-boggling as his swing. However, Irwin’s German Pee-Wee hockey team needs a coach, and his presence in the FEDEX playoffs would require Tiger Woods’ private jet and a permission slip from the German Hockey Federation. I’m betting against that…but hope someday Irwin can be around for the playoffs.