BUTLER CABIN- KENWOLIA LANE

June 22, 2015

The season’s first Major is upon us and the anticipation has already reached a fever pitch. This week Gerry “Double-Double” Elliott is back to defend his green jacket as well as former champion Bob Maxwell-Smart. FEDEX points leader Sheriff John also highlights a star-studded field that will no doubt give the patrons their monies worth and more. So many story-lines are already developing gentlemen, so let’s get right to Monday’s top stories.

TELLY-KELLEY BACK ON HIS FEET

KWGA veteran Arnie Telly-Kelley’s balky back has everyone wondering if the KWGA’s favorite son will be a “go” this week. Telly-Kelley has missed the last 2 KWGA events after straining his right upper solar plexus in a golf cart mishap during the Big Brother’s Pro-Am. Two weeks of sofa therapy and a trip to Margarita-ville this past Saturday in Medford seem to have helped sooth the pain but just what will he have in the tank come Saturday is anyone’s guess. Pressure from his sponsors and the allure of his first major championship will make sitting out this Saturday almost impossible. “I can’t promise anyone a rose garden or if I can play…but if I can don’t count me out.” said Telly-Kelley at his Monday morning press conference. “I know how to grind and get around KenWo better than most people think. I just hope I don’t have to pop 5 Robaxacet to get ready to play. That stuff makes me dizzy like Jason Day.”

IS THE HUNCHBACK FOR REAL?

Nobody could have predicted the fast start and stellar play of this “Foulmouth” dweller heading into the 2015 season. After a dismal 2014 season The Hunchback was forced to re-qualify for his KWGA card at Q-School in the off-season and the hard work seems to have paid off. No golfer is as hot as Hunchback this week after winning The Medford Mile on Saturday and that bodes well for his chances this Saturday. However, some are questioning whether a full night of gallivanting the streets of Medford at all hours of the night is the proper preparation for a Major championship. “We all have our own quirks and prepare in our own ways. Nobody told John Daly that he should work out and lose weight when he was winning majors, so why should I have to listen to this nonsense?” said a furious Hunchback Monday morning. “I have a supportive wife and boyfriend and those people are the ones I listen to. Background noise is cheap…major championships are forever. Every man is allowed to dream and this Saturday is my dream.”

DOUBLE-DOUBLE BOGEY TROUBLE

Perhaps no KWGA player has as much on his shoulders this week as Double-Double. After dominating the KWGA Tour last season by winning every trophy possible, Double-Double has yet to win on tour in 2015, including last week’s debacle in the Medford Mile. Some have pointed to an equipment change while others blame it on simple math (25 droolers + high handicaps= Shoot under par Gerry, or else you can’t win). However, not all is doom and gloom as the Bog Road Bomber still sits tied for 2nd in the FEDEX standings entering The Masters. The pressure will be immense come Saturday but it’s all in a day’s work for Double-Double. “I have stared down the likes of Gordie Smith and you ask me if I am frightened by guys named The Fogg and 4th Reich?” said Double-Double Monday morning. “That’s ridiculous. I had a bad round last week and it is what it is. People can write me off this week but I know better. The last time I checked they don’t hand out green jackets on Mondays.”

CORDUROY COWBOY-KENNY TURNS PRO

The off-season was unkind to Johnny “The Corduroy Cowboy” Kenny as the Wolfville planter struggled with a loose ball bearing in his hip that could require surgery. Kenny’s status throughout the winter was in doubt but after a stellar 79 in his qualifying round at The Medford Mile, the Cowboy has decided to turn pro at The Masters. Kenny has just the kind of “I don’t care…just happy to be here” mentality that could prove dangerous this week and Vagas agrees. Kenny has been listed at 7-1 this week and nobody could be happier to simply be playing golf. “This really is a chance of a lifetime for me. Apples and plums don’t give me the same excitement as tournament golf.” said The Cowboy. I know guys will be watching me and wondering but I am not concerned about that. My only concern is getting the KWGA on “farmer’s tee times” around 5am so that I don’t have to wait around 4 hours to play. I’m excited to be here this week.”

Stay tuned tomorrow as we take a look at some other competitors and other tidbits to get you ready for the 2015 KWGA Masters.