“Dad, you can’t win…let alone set a course record.” And so Barry Bannister-Hennigar’s day began with his young son’s early morning decree whilst sharing a bowl of Lucky Charms. A statement so calm yet so callous in its biting assessment of a father’s ability, or perceived lack thereof. Well, young son can eat some consonants and vowels because Bannister-Hennigar found his way through the KWGA gauntlet, winning Saturday’s Munich Oktoberfest Open with a stunning net 66 for his second career victory. “This certainly wasn’t what I was expecting today, but again, did Dennis Rodman’s mother truly know how HER son would turn out ahead of time? If she saw my first 4 holes today, she would have aborted that pregnancy like I wanted to abort my round.” said Bannister-Hennigar.

Not much was expected from Bannister-Hennigar entering the week after his annual “Weekend at Bernie’s” Golf Bash and Get Smashed in Indiana. “It really does look like we are dragging around a dead guy in our group some days because invariably someone had several / a lot/ too many drinks. Coming back to the KWGA Tour after a week like that is difficult. The KWGA is a place of decorum and sobriety…and without a certain Prescott to get things spinning into an orbit simply known as the ‘Shit Abyss’. Indeed, bogies at #1, #2 led to the KWGA’s first Caber Putter Toss that sent the gallery scrambling for cover. However, with his inner Ile Nastase finally fed, Bannister settled into his round with a birdie at #6 and pars on #7, #8 and #9 good for a 39 gross Front 9.The Back 9 was consistency and control personified. A birdie at #13 and a bogey at #15 is all that interrupted pars the rest of the day and finally a new champion for this event had been found. “A proud day for me.” said Bannister. “There aren’t too many days you can silence an 11 year old.”

Also finding his groove on Saturday was Air Bud Woodworth, who just a week earlier was forced to withdraw because of a nagging metal plate in his flipper. Some have called into question the validity of said injury after Air Bud fired a net 68 Saturday to take second place and vault to fourth place in the FEDEX Cup standings. “Usually guys with foot injuries tire and fade on the Back 9 but this guy got better. They guy shoots 37 on the Back 9 and we are supposed to feel sorry for him?” said a sarcastic Commissioner. “If that’s the case, I will be the one showing up next week with pink Betadine rubbed on my leg from my toes to my kneecap. What a joke.” Air Bud sawed Burkie off at #10 with a gorgeous birdie and continued his fine play with rock solid pars on #16 and #18 into a 30 km/hour wind to lock down his third Top 3 finish of his season. “They can chirp me all they want about my foot.” said Air Bud. “I know how I feel inside. I tell my clients every day to believe and trust, and good things will come. Today was another building block for me..and Thank God Jeff Legge was hung over and wanted to cart it today…or I may have been up SH** Creek.”

Perhaps Saturday’s most shocking result was a certain Waldo’s third place finish. After a month of wishing, pawing and scraping at the golf ball, Where’s Waldo used all of his angst and sperm build-up to finally sink into a golf ball like Fat Albert at a BBQ Buffet. An outward 38 was followed by an inward 39 that included a rangless birdie at #17 but an overall net 69 that had many shaking their head upstairs following the round. TV crews scrambled to get comment from Waldo, however, Waldo was nowhere to be seen. “We fanned out over the property, we even looked on the driving range where we knew the odds of finding him there were be slim.” said a worried Double-Double. “I have known the guy for 20+ years and this is so unusual. I mean, the patio deck has been completed after all, so you would think he would be there. Maybe he had to go home and practice for his next performance at the Blandford Community Centre with his girlfriend. All we wanted to do was congratulate him…it’s not like we wanted to hook him up on a fence post by his underwear.”

I Can Feel It Comin’ in The Air Tonight…Oh Lawd

Maybe it was because Saturday was The Valley’s first 25 degree day or because something was in the air…Saturday was a STRANGE day. What we do know for sure was in the air had a foul odor. It arrived in the form of a load of what Grampy claimed was mulch in the back of his truck. After arriving late to drop off boyfriend Kevin 9 minutes before his scheduled tee time, Grampy quickly raced back down KenWo-lio Lane and into New Minas. Gasps and stares of wonderment filtered throughout the putting green as KWGA members looked on. “We thought, WTF is he doing? He tees off in 14 minutes. “He will never make it back in time!” thought The Commissioner. Time ticked so quickly…yet there he was, back from his New Minas sojourn in a flash…with a load of manure heaping high from the back of his once white pick up truck. “It was disgusting, I am not sure why he would choose that moment to get a load of manure. Maybe his woman wanted to cover up the smell of a dead body in the backyard? It was all a bit strange.” said The Commissioner. But things got even stranger…

Grampy’s antics seemed to stir something deep inside The Commissioner who was forced to perform his own race…straight to the Men’s Room. Making it there just in time, The Commissioner settled in to his porcelain position only to have the unimaginable happen…his belt buckle snapped. Panicked, Commissioner Ford was forced to tip-toe through the Pro Shop, gripping his cashmere black slacks for his life. “I love those pants.” said The Commissioner. “But they remind me of those pants clowns would use at children’s birthday parties. You know the ones where the clown would push the button…and his pants would hit the floor in 0.45 seconds? Yeah. those are my black slacks in a nutshell. I could have been the only KWGA golfer to have to withdraw from a tournament because of a wardrobe malfunction. There were some scary moments there for a while. Thank God one of the back shop boys had a spare HDMI computer cord for me to use as a belt…or I would have been forked. The worst part was I still had to hitch my pants up every 3 steps I took which made for a long day…all the while trying not to give The Sheriff the impression he was making me excited or something.”

Sunday Court Report

~Presented by Sheriff John “Heavy Hands”~

Guys, a pretty quiet week on the Police Blotter. Just your usual noise disturbances, flatulence and a few too ribald jokes on the golf course. However, last week we had a major occurrence that had to be reported. Last Sunday, being Mother’s Day Weekend like it was, I thought I would have some couth and wait a week just so that certain moms and wives could have one weekend of peace. As most Wolfville residents know, the stretch of road between Hennigar’s Farm Market and the Acadia Gymnasium is a haven for Police stops. I guess one certain KWGA member has been away from The Valley for too long…because he forgot this important nugget of information. Suffice it to say someone was REALLY hoping to win some RANG MONEY yesterday at the Munich Oktoberfest Open.

NEWS, NOTES & QUOTES

-“I feel like doing what Mr. Lockhart did many moons ago…smashing all of my 14 clubs into a tree…but mine cost over $2000.00, so probably not the best idea. Plus, with the way things are going, one of the broken shafts may spin back and stab me in the eyeball.” -Double-Double.

-No word on just how many German curse words were uttered during Doug “The 4th Reich” Irwin’s first KWGA round of the season. Las Vegas bookmakers had the Over/Under set at 7 total. However, after a gross 84 that included a triple bogey at #4 and double bogeys at #10, #12, #17 and #18, suffice it to say the OVER was the safe bet. “FIXE MAL” Doug…there will be better days buddy.

-Victoria Day Monday May 23 the Player Draft for the 3rd Annual KWGA Ryder Cup will take place at 12:30pm upstairs in the KenWo Dining Room. Captains Carey and Fisher will be picking the teams. I will post the results on the website under the 2016 RYDER CUP tab on Monday evening. FIRED UP!!!

-Next Saturday we will be playing @ Avon Valley GC for the 3rd Annual Avon Lea Open. There is still time to sign up and play. We have 12 golfers currently signed up…and room for 16. Even if you don’t play golf, you are urged and welcomed to come to Burkie’s in Windsor for a BBQ after the round. This is why you pay your $20 dues.

-Boys, thanks a million again for getting me the golf club. Yesterday, hearing Gerry’s speech and seeing all of your smiles, gave me the same feelings and sensations that I used to get climbing the rope in Middle School Phys. Ed. class. Now I know that may make some of you uncomfortable…but get over it already. YIPPEE!!!

See you next week!

~The Commissioner