The 2019 FEDEX Cup Playoffs will see a new champion as last season’s winner, Biggest Johnson, narrowly missed qualifying by a single point. A missed 3 footer or a chunked chip shot is sometimes all it takes. His reign marked the lowest seed (#12) ever to qualify and win the FEDEX Cup, a feat we may never see repeated. This season also saw the most golfers (18) with 100+ FEDEX Cup points, highlighting just how even things are and how difficult it is just to qualify for the playoffs. Great job guys!

 So what are we left with IN 2019? Let’s get to the individual breakdown shall we?

#1 THE PHOG- Nobody has scaled the mountain of golf frustration quite like The Phog. Last season he broke through and qualified for the playoffs for the first time but failed to get through to the semis with a disappointing round of +5. However, 2019 has seen him win 3 tournaments, including his second major, while racking up 171.5 points to give him the #1 seed. Two rounds in the 70’s last week, including his personal best 76 means he comes into this season’s playoffs with more confidence then Burt Reynolds at a Loni Anderson convention. He has the ability to go very low, just like Burt used to do with Loni, and that is scary to any competition. Last season’s early flame out should also serve as motivation heading into The Barclays. Nobody can predict how he will play week to week as the only time he has finished in the Top 3 is when he has won. When he doesn’t win, it’s usually been a blow up day. He will also be playing with the lowest handicap in his KWGA career (12) so the task will be the toughest of his career. How well he deals with the hot lamp lights squarely shone on his broad, sexy shoulders is the only thing standing between him and the next round.

Advancement Odds (2-1)

#2 MR. OCTOBER- 2019 will mark the fifth straight season that Fish will have made the playoffs. It’s a mark of consistency rivaled only by Grampy and The Commissioner (6). The streak was in jeopardy as he fell out of the Top 8 with just three events left in the season. That’s when he put the hammer down, accruing 59 points in his last three events to vault all the way to the second seed. However, the playoffs have not been kind to the happy home builder as he has yet to advance to the semis in five tries. Call it nerves, bad luck, bad karma or just separation anxiety from Nick, the bottom line is that it is just a matter of time. His 16 handicap gives him plenty of wiggle room to carve out an under par round so avoiding big numbers and dropping the odd putt is all that it will take on Saturday. Rumour has it that Fish has asked for special exemption to have his fury friends allowed off and inside the ropes this Saturday in hopes of elevating his play when it counts the most. If nothing else, it should get them some exercise.

Advancement Odds (7-1)

#3 THE 4^th REICH- The ultimate bulldog and KWGA journeyman has qualified for his second straight FEDEX Cup playoffs after years of leaving the league for Deutschland at the most inopportune time. A foot injury also had this man’s season in doubt before it even began, so he has overcome adversity to get to this point. His 2019 season did not include a win but his -3 score in last season’s Barclays meant advancement to the semis against all odds. Another -3 round will be difficult this Saturday as he will drag a small 6 handicap into the event which doesn’t give the German Stierhund much padding to advance. If the winds blow and conditions are difficult, send him through to the second round. If the wind lays down, the task gets even harder. We know one things, he won’t go down without a fight…or hopefully some cursing in German.  Möge die Macht mit dir sein … du wirst es brauchen.

Advancement Odds (3-1)

#4 BIP- The days of this man needing to pick up his ball in the middle of a hole to keep the pace are long gone. Just like in the Trainor home, an environment of structure and higher expectations has meant an upward growth pattern on Tour that can only make one feel all warm and fuzzy on the inside. This will be BIP’s first playoff appearance so nobody can know what to expect but he enters the playoffs with some low rounds lately, including a three birdie performance Monday witnessed by yours truly. The confidence is there after a season that also included three wins on Tour. If he can get off to a solid start he will no doubt have any lower handicap opponent pressing to make birdies just to have a chance at keeping pace. If he makes a birdie or two on his own, lock the door, hide the women and children, because the Big Bad Boogeyman will wreak havoc with his special sauce…golf style.

Advancement Odds (1-1)

#5 GRAMPY LAHEY- Grampy is one of only two Tour members to qualify for every FEDEX Cup playoffs. His 2019 season includes a win at the KWGA Club Championship and several weeks atop the FEDEX Cup leaderboard. He has won one FEDEX Cup title (2015) and gone through to the semis on three other occasions. However, some late season struggles to end the season and the departure of his second love to some dust bowl across the globe have some doubting the Windsor Spitfire heading into Saturday’s Barclays. Those two forces along with a 5 handicap will mean back to shooting 70-73 will be needed to advance. There won’t be a dry eye in the gallery if this man manages to win his second FEDEX Cup but getting through the first round may be his toughest task. Men from his era were born with steel testicles and granite jaws, when men were men, and transgender meant sneaking into the girl’s locker room after gym class. Expect his best effort this Saturday…because his buddy would want it no other way.

Advancement Odds (3-1)

#6 INSPECTOR GADGET- This man’s season includes two wins and many weeks atop the FEDEX Cup leaderboard but he has also fallen on a late season malaise that will have some doubting him at The Barclays. 2019 will also mark his fourth straight appearance in the playoffs that includes a semi-final appearance in 2016. We know his ball flight, family and appearance well, however, what we don’t know is what Gadget will arrive on Saturday. His 17 handicap will scare all of his opponents to death, like raising two daughters, and all stars seemed aligned for a deep playoff run. Rumour has it that a daughter or two may caddy for him this weekend in hopes of pinch-hitting if injury should befall Gadget mid-round. Also motivating him will no doubt be proving to his older brethren, Mr. October and Waszczuk-Carey, that he needs to be respected and not treated like the younger brother anymore. The days of having his arms pinned and slapped around are over. This could be the year.

Advancement Odds- (4-1)

#7 THE SHERIFF- The 2019 playoffs will mark the first appearance for the heavy handed, brash and obnoxious former cop. His season included a win at the Herbin Experience and 151.0 points that marked a very solid performance for a man known for an attention span that rivals that of a fruit fly. His laisez-faire attitude will serve him well Saturday and make him dangerous because nobody seems to care less about his score than The Sheriff. However, his 14 handicap will mean less room for error then he is used to on a given Saturday. How well he deals with this and his penchant for rattling off dock worthy humour makes him the ultimate X-Factor. There was much chatter that he didn’t show at Gerry’s pool party because he didn’t want to be seen in a bathing suit. That’s a good thing, because if he manages to win the FEDEX Cup we may end up seeing him in a birthday suit.

Advancement Odds (8-1)

#8 THE COMMISSIONER- He has heard all of the rumours, that his game has left him, that his hair is thinning, that his weight loss has meant a loss of distance and accuracy, that playing with him is starting to feel a lot like watching a Hellen Keller film…quiet. The rumours would be true. What The Commissioner does have going for him is a boatload of playoff experience that includes a title (2017), four semi-final appearances and a season that captured his first major championship. His 10 handicap has stayed steady all season and will give him some space to do some damage. A birdie or two early would go a long way for the embattled Commissioner who just needs some mental TLC and a trip to Tootsies Cabaret in Miami to change his mind set and raise his spirits. However, this is his time of year, when it counts, when legends are made. Is everyone ready? Let’s get this thing going!

Advancement Odds (6-1)

Fellas…

Lots going on next week. Just so we are all on the same page, here is the deal in case you have any questions.

(a) FEDEX Cup Playoffs- The Top 8 point getters (White, Fisher, Irwin, Trainor, Burke, Rushton, Amirault, D.Thomson) from our 16 week regular season have qualified for the playoffs. These 8 men will be grouped together this coming Saturday. The Top 4 and ties will advance to the Semi-Finals on August 24.

(b) Intercontinental Championship- The Barclays Championship is the first week to garner points for the fall season’s Intercontinental Championship. All golfers, including those in the FEDEX Cup Playoffs, will be collecting Intercontinental points. I will start posting the leaderboard next weekend under STANDINGS-INTERCONTINENTAL 

(c) Pearl Necklace- I have not forgotten this. I simply got behind the 8 ball in tabulating these points. I will announce and present the winner of this title at our season ending banquet in November or sooner if I can complete this task before. Sorry for the delay!

GREEN MACHINE!

“BIP” WINS 2019 MASTERS IN PLAYOFF

THE  COMEBACK  KIDS

Front Row: Gavin, Newcombe, Poirier. Back Row: Lowe, Woodworth, D.Thomson, Irwin, Trainor, Burke. Missing Link: Fisher

Office of The Commissioner
Wolfville, NS
Friday May 17, 2019.

Boys…

We have 24 golfers signed up for Chester and the second annual Chesterfield Rugby Open next Saturday May 25. An amazing field to say the least! I have been in contact with Dan Fraser to let him know we will be requiring 6 tee times and between 6-9 power carts. He informed me that our tee times will be between 9:00am-9:45am. I still need to hear from five people in regard to whether they want to walk or cart or have no preference. I would like to get this done the sooner the better, that way I can make the groups so that you know you tee time well in advance and can make your travel plans thusly.I also emphasized to Danny the hope and need for seafood chowder after hearing it mentioned 5-10 times in the last week! Hopefully it will be on the menu because I don’t want them using MY dorsal fin to start an emergency batch!

Things to look for in Chester…so stick around after the golf…or you will miss out!

*Prize Giveaways following round.

*Closest to the hole and Long Drive competitions.

Boys…

I needed a few days to catch up but I finally have. The long winter working way too many hours in metro certainly put a wrench into my website time. However, I just wanted to alert you that the Pearl Necklace Standings have been updated. You can find the updated standings at STANDINGS-PEARL NECKLACE. Furthermore, you can also find your individual Task Lists on your PROFILE page. Just go to MEMBERS-YOUR NAME and scroll down. I will do my best to update this weekly, but look for it on Thursdays. That gives me some time to catch up weekly. Lastly, if you scroll further down your profile page you will find your own complete league history of events, wins etc etc. I just couldn’t let all that data go to waste so it is captured here. I will update the 2019 season once it is over.

~Peter North (Pearl Necklace Master)

KWGA LIONS AND CROCS BEWARE

Wildebeest make the long, dangerous, harrowing trip through the african plains every year, dodging every predator you can imagine. Their noise is a very distinct one, a noise that bellows and reverberates for many miles. Well, if you haven’t been paying attention to the KWGA yet this season, a distinct sound and scent has been dumped upon us in the one and only “BIP”. Back to back wins to start the 2019 campaign at the Kickoff Classic and last Saturday’s Flower Cart Classic have many wondering where the predatory lions and crocodiles have been to save us all from BIP’s trampling ways. The man has braved rain, wind and cold temperatures in pummeling the field for 2 straight weeks. “I know guys look at me and think, really? Bip won again? The man has hit the rec centre across the street off #2 tee before? But you know what? They are just jealous that I invented golfing baby wipes. I don’t care about the error of my past.” said a beaming yet stern Bip. “I’ve shed the winter coat and decided to embrace the journey, as dangerous as that may be. Like those stubborn wildebeest in Africa.”

Back to back career low rounds of 86 gross has many wondering if Ken-wo’s par 69 layout is just not enough course for a species used to travelling a hundred miles a day. The shorter track has taken out historically difficult holes for BIP whose love for clanging balls off the netting on hole #3 is legenday. Furthermore, the grueling and demanding 16th hole has been a bastion of butchery. “They can try and diminish my accomplishments all they want.” said a furios Bip. “Everyone has to play the same holes each week. Yes, maybe playing the 16th after 4 hours of galloping makes a diffetence but I don’t see many other guys in shape either. And as far as hole #3 goes. I have paid for any and all damages I may or may not have caused in the past. I don’t think about that anymore. So frig off.”

The news gets even worse for the rest of the KWGA field as BIP has again entered the field for this week’s Captain Crazy Invitational looking for the league’s first three-peat winner since Double Double back in 2014. His task will be increasingly difficult with a handicap plunging faster than an Al Qaeda airliner. The Commissioner also has intimated plans to add even more difficulty with his Week 3 groupings. “We have to make sure there are checks and balances for everything.” said The Commissioner at his weekly press conference in Upper Sackville Monday morning. “Now that Bip has been freed from the shackles of a 10 month house renovation it is obvious his mind is at ease. That can lead to some great golf. The antidote? A round with a man known for delay tactics rivalling Roger Dorn in the film Major Leagues. A man known for flagging down beverage carts 3 fairways away. The only KWGA’er with a drink named after him for heaven sakes. “Listen, The Commissioner can do whatever he wants to try and trip me up. I don’t care what he tries. It won’t matter.” said a calculated Bip. “I plan on taking a run at league history this Saturday. Now if you would please excuse me I would like to go polish my club.”

Just a side note, Sir Robert “Sex Tape” Lowe will make his KWGA professional debut this Saturday after passing the league’s strenuous initiation and drug procedures. “I can’t wait to take on the league’s biggest and brightest stars this week.” said Sex Tape from his seaside manor in Morden. “My wifi may be the pits out here but my golf game is more connected. “All my VHS and Beta tapes will be on sale on the first tee for this week only.”

Gentlemen…
The long offseason has finally come to an end and not a moment too soon. We had some decisions to make as a group that needed to be made. I opened up the voting on the new member applications because I never want to become the sole decision maker on issues such as this. With that being said, you the members have agreed to add Robert Lowe to our group in 2019. That puts us at 29 members and I think we can put this issue to bed for the foreseeble future.. Our sustainability revolves around tee times and not personalities at this point and we must not lose sight of this. Thank you to everyone who took the time out of their busy schedules to let their voices be heard. I will be contacting both Robert and Calvin when I return from Myrtle Beach mid-week next week. Until then,looking forward to seeing everyone next Saturday.
~The Commissioner

SANTA KNOWS WHICH KWGA’ers HAVE BEEN NAUGHTY OR NICE!

2018 BILL & GORDY CLINIC

THE LEGENDS LIVE ON…

~2018 FEDEX CUP FINAL~

SILENT ASSASSIN

Biggest Johnson Claims the ’18 Cup

AP- New Minas, NS    Cinderalla can come in all shapes, sizes and even have five o’clock shadows in some parts of the world, like in New Minas, Nova Scotia where the KWGA’s Biggest Johnson avoided missing his midnight curfew by winning the 2018 FEDEX Cup Saturday afternoon at venerable Ken-Wo GC. The amazing run of the 12^th and lowest seed would not strike midnight as he toppled KWGA sniper Maxwell-Smart with a comfortable three stroke victory and his place in KWGA history. The duo both entered the final a bit rusty after taking some time off to travel aimlessly (Johnson) and polish and test weapons for the fall hunt (Maxwell). “This is a dream come true.” said a beaming Johnson as he sipped at his post-game toddy. “When people look at me from afar I know they don’t think champion but that’s what I am now. This is the hardest trophy to win in the KWGA. A full season to qualify and then you have to survive three weeks with guys taking their best shots at you. I came in under the radar and I think that worked to my advantage these last few weeks. Nobody had any confidence in me to win as the pre-finals voting poll showed. I guess I showed them what pre-retirement looks like…and that’s really bad news for these guys heading forward. Now if you will excuse me, I feel like taking the long way home in my convertible.”

Johnson and Maxwell share a moment before teeing off Saturday morning.

The tension was palpable as the duo nervously exchanged fake happy greetings early Saturday morning but one thing was clear, this wasn’t going to be anything like Triple G vs Canelo Alvarez for the Middleweight Championship of the world. No blows were going to be exchanged, no vicious uppercuts or head bunts. Just drivers, wedges and putters, but as Maxwell would discover early, sometimes mental pain is just as damaging as an Alvarez uppercut. With seven strokes of handicap cushion to play with, Johnson would have the head start in this fight and pars at #1 and #2 served notice to Maxwell that he would be up against the ropes all day. Maxwell would gain one stroke back with a par at #3 but Johnson would gain two back when Maxwell played volleyball with the trees at the Par 5 6^th hole, finding the timber  to the left of the green. After an inglorious three putt to complete the hole, the resulting double bogey would give Johnson an eight stroke lead as they headed to the 7^th tee. “A big blow there.” said a downcast Maxwell from his hunting blind high above the North Mountain. “I usually birdie that hole and I think Mulroney was Prime Minister the last time Gary birdied that hole. If things just play out to form there, I walk off that green cutting into the lead. As it turned out, I lose two and my mind started to wander to shooting rabbits nervously skittering across snow-capped hills.” Maxwell would get one back at #8 but the duo both carded Front Nine 39 gross scores meaning nothing had changed since the first tee.

The lead down to four as they exit the 12th green.

However, the bleeding would begin in The Orchard for Johnson as the Hants County Brad Marchand lover would traverse it +3 after a costly double at the 12^th hole. The lead was down to four as the duo walked past the grounds crew’s attempt at making the Par 3 13^th hole viewable from the tee, just 37 years overdue. With the smell and sight of burning timber and the crashing of heavy machinery in the foreground they would tee off the 14^th hole with Maxwell having all of the momentum. However, calamity would strike Maxwell as the wabbit would turn the gun on Elmer Fudd. The culprit would be the sand trap guarding the right side of the green. Maxwell-Smart’s attempt to exit the sand would lead to a chunked wedged, a chip on and a missed four footer that would lead to a dream-killing double bogey seven. “I can’t let that happen there but that’s a scary shot, staring at the woods behind the green with not much sand to work with.” said a befuddled Maxwell-Smart. Gary made a solid par there and really nailed me to my hunting blind. As Bill McCullough used to say on Grand Prix Wrasslin’ broadcasts back in the day…”That’s all she wrote.” Maxwell-Smart would also double bogey the 15^th hole stretching Biggest Johnson’s margin back to seven strokes.

Johnson’s victory lap home following his 2018 FEDEX Cup title.

With the contest no longer in doubt, Johnson would let down his guard at the 18^th with a drive into the creek and a pond ball for good measure for an ugly triple bogey while Maxwell-Smart picked up his big boy pants with a pretty birdie to finish his day. The four shot swing on the hole only put a swirl of whipped cream on a steaming, burning, stinking pile of a doe’s finest forest droppings. Johnson’s win was the end of a long 21 weeks of competition and the biggest feather in his cap since the day he found someone to marry him. “Championships like this are purposefully made difficult.” said Johnson as he illegally parked in Grampy’s parking space adjacent to the club storage entrance. “It just makes the nectar sweeter. Sure, I caught a break just getting into th playoffs when it got rained out Week 1…but I was on the tee and played that day…unlike some who had qualified Top 8. Nobody will remember that 2, 5, 10 years from now. Hats off to Bobby. He came out week after week and put a beating on us the last month or so with a high level of golf. Today was just my day. I will be hosting shuffleboard, billiards and indoor golf tournaments all winter if any of you want a crack at me in something you can actually beat me in. Just call me Champ.”

“I’m Gonna Run To You…”

Bannister-Hennigar clips the tape at The Tour Championship

Bryan Adams may have wrote the song but he certainly could not have envisioned Port Williams’ guitar pickin’, marathon runnin’, golfing savant winning three tournaments in one season, but that’s exactly what happened at Saturday’s FEDEX season ending Tour Championship. Bannister-Hennigar nipped playing partner Double-Double and Where’s Waldo for a one stroke victory and a clumsy finishing Commissioner by two in a finish only the Cleveland Browns could manage to mangle. “It’s good to get the win for sure.” said a wine-sipping Hennigar from his bar stool at the Port Pub. “I didn’t know what was going on in the other groups nor did I have time for that with a whirlwind finish from Double-Double. Have you ever been idling at a red light, looked in the rear view mirror to check your hair only to see a Mack truck hurtling toward your back bumper? That was me in The Valley today, watching Double-Double impart his version of Behind Barry’s Green Door, scary yet exciting at the same time.”

A front nine 36 gross was one stroke better than North America’s earliest retired golf professional and good for a four stroke cushion as they headed to the back nine. Hennigar would then find birdies at both #12 and #14 sending a jolt through Double-Double’s steely veneer. “It was a difficult and uncomfortable moment for me.” said a concerned Double-Double. “Anytime you have to watch a man putt with his legs THAT far apart, an then for him to make those putts on me ta boot, well, let’s just say I didn’t have to deal with those kinds of things on the CPGA level. Guys had normal stances and normal ways of doing things. That’s not Barry.” Seemingly spurred by some inner being, Double-Double had his finest finish of the season with a 4-4-3 finish to the track’s closing three holes. The two birdies forced Hennigar to scrape home with a bogey five that was good enough to hold off his closest attacker. Just one group behind was Where’s Waldo and his recaptured golf prowess, an Awakenings of sort a la Robert DeNiro in a film with the same name. His canary yellow garb could be seen from fairway afar while his wrap around “blue blocker” shades hid just how good he was playing from the rest of the field. A pedestrian 39 gross front nine was followed by a back nine 37 gross that included a birdie at 8B. However, bogies at #14, #15 and #16 dropped him 1 shot back and pars and #17 and #18 could not save his lucky yellow shirt. “I’ve been playing much better, nobody has really noticed but it’s coming.” said a matter of fact Waldo. “I don’t go hunting, play ice hockey or play ground hockey in the streets anymore so I will be able to concentrate on golf right to the end of the golf season. There are plenty more chances for me.”

“Senior Seed”

Grampy Wins First Ever KWGA Pearl Necklace

Unless you have been living under a rock, hadn’t checked the Pearl Necklace standings all year or even clicked on your task list under your player profile page, you would know that the Valley’s loveable and cantankerous Grampy won the KWGA’s Pearl Necklace Saturday with a score of 21 pearl points, “edging” out a game Fogg (18 points), Mr. October and Maxwell-Smart (17 points). The season long competition took the place of a stale ringer board game and gave an honest test for all handicap levels within our league. Grampy made a second half charge and took the lead for good after his 70 gross at The Barclays Championship, a round that checked off many unique and key tasks. So go ahead Grampy, enjoy the fruits of your labour and let the boys know you can still walk, run, jump and be merry with men who can actually still hit the ceiling once in a while. Congrats buddy…

A presentation will be made in the near future cementing this accomplishment. Stay tuned.

News, Notes & Quotes

*”There was enough air to make it worth my while.” ~Air Bud   Complaining of cramps after just two holes of play, Air Bud was forced to make a pit stop at Ken-Wo’s lavatory adjacent to #3 fairway. After a perfectly placed tee shot to the left side of said fairway, Air Bud rejoined his group on the green. His quote was in response to being asked how he had made out in the lavatory.

*It’s 4 degrees and snowing FFS!” ~4th Reich   The less than cryptic text from Doug from his vacation destination in central Alberta Saturday afternoon. Was great weather here Doug ole boy!

*Three events left to qualify for the season-ending Intercontinental Final Four. The top four point getters will battle October 13 for the right to be called Intercontinental Champion!

Let’s finish 2018 strong! See you on Saturday!

~The Commissioner

2018 AXEMEN GRIDIRON CLASSIC CHAMPION

GERRY “DOUBLE DOUBLE” ELLIOTT

Office of the Commissioner

Wolfville, NS

Gentlemen…

First, I want to thank Darrell and John and their lovely wives for putting on an A+ social event yesterday. I believe the KWGA has found its official “clubhouse” in Wolfville. The place had everything, a swimming pool, pool table, ping pong, darts and even a fork lift for rides on a sunny day. Thanks again boys and girls… that was awesome! Those who had signed up and did not attend missed out on some of the tastiest beef (with a yummy reduction sauce) and pork loin, potato salad, corn on the cobb, individual chocolate and butterscotch cake desserts, brownies and some other items that I cannot recall at this second! We even had visitors walk in on us with purses over their shoulders thinking that the Farm Market was open for business! Thanks again boys!

FEDEX CUP PLAYOFFS UPDATE

Fellas, we have what is referred to as a “clusterbuckle” on our hands after Mother Nature decided to rain on our playoffs yesterday. Anywhere between 9 and 13 holes were completed by competitors yesterday before the rains made things unplayable, including “alternates” who had taken three spots of Top 8 qualifiers who were not on #1 tee Saturday morning (Maxwell, Kelley, Burke). Therefore, the only fair thing to do is to expand the playoffs to the Top 12 qualifiers for next week’s re-scheduled Barclays Championship.

Here is the NEW sequence of events…

1. Top 12 FEDEX Qualifiers (White, Burke, Rushton, D.Thomson, Maxwell, Kelley, Murray, Fisher, Irwin, Woodworth, Kenny, Johnson) to compete in next Saturday’s re-scheduled Barclays Championship.
2. The top 4 & ties qualify for the semi-finals (Deutsche Bank) on Saturday September 1.
3. The Top 2 & ties qualify for the Fedex Cup Final on Saturday September 15 (or a date that works for the two finalists).

The bottom line is this is for fun so let’s get at this next week! Woooooo!

The Commissioner

KEEPING CANADA GREAT!

Double Double Beats the Heat and Captain America at the 2018 Canadian Open

DOUBLE DOUBLE accepts the 2018 Canadian Open Trophy as Captain America Indianapolis Jones ironically sits in the background. It was the second Canadian Open title of his career. (August 4, 2018.)

Like Clint Eastwood’s drill sergeant character Gunny Highway said in the 1986 film “Heartbreak Ridge”, “I will adapt, improvise and overcome.” You can’t make this stuff up ladies and gentlemen. In an ironic twist, the 2018 Canadian Open came down to two men, two countries, in a battle that will not be forgotten until the next US presidential election. One born, bred and accomplished in the province of Nova Scotia, the other born and bred in Nova Scotia and accomplished in the State of Indiana. Trudeau vs Trump, and now two sides have more to disagree about than a NAFTA agreement. Using his own form of mental combat Saturday afternoon, the man known as Double-Double gave the rest of the KWGA field another blast of Boot Camp Rules for Dummies in winning his second career Canadian Open. His one stroke victory was a reminder that you write off grizzled soldiers at your own peril, because you know what? They may just go digging in their closet one day and dust off the old uniform a la Jim Lahey or Gunny Highway…and that’s when you should be afraid. “It’s been a difficult season to say the least.” said Double Double as monsoon rain pelted off his forehead at Tupper Lake following his round. “Today it was just time to put all of those words into action again. The hard work, the holes in my projection screen at home, the back physio. It was all worth letting another man rub oil on my lumbar region and roll me into positions only a “Stretch Armstrong” could get into for results like today. It feels good to be a major champion again.”

Heading into the tournament there were concerns about just which Double Double would arrive at Ken-Wo GC Saturday morning after a Thursday practice round that had a few bumps and bruises. However, all concerns were laid to rest early as he would start the round with six consecutive pars and a Front Nine 36 gross, his best of the 2018 campaign. Adversity would strike the Tim Horton’s mogul in The Orchard with bogies at both #10 and #11 but like Sergaent Gunny Highway, he adapted, improvised and overcame his disappointing start to the Back Nine. Another string of pars would begin at #12 and a Back Nine 38 gross that would be good enough to hold off Indianapolis Jones in a heart-stopping finish to the season’s final major. “I had almost forgotten what it was like to be in the hunt heading into The Valley.” said a relieved and giddy Double Double. “Finding some kind of consistency under pressure, a go to swing, anything was all that I was thinking about…and trying to avoid one more Sheriff story that involved a bodily function or the Yarmouth Dockyard. This gives me a lot of confidence heading into the Intercontinental Fall Season. Now if you will excuse me I have to wring out my shirt and refill some cream donuts before my wife gets home.”

Saturday’s story also involved a man more known for his glistening dome and personality the size of the state of Indiana. Indianapolis Jones made his KWGA major championship debut Saturday with a round that had every red-blooded American proud (along with a few former Valley girls, names have been redacted for everyone’s safety, Rachel, Lisa, Heather…). Starting on the Back Nine, in more ways than one, Jones impact was immediate with a 38 gross that included a birdie at the Par 5 14th hole that had the internet coverage abuzz with Jones standing at -6 heading into his second nine. After a bogey at #1, Jones would traverse the property at one under par through the 6th hole. He now stood at -6 one stroke ahead of Double Double. “I had a feeling I might be in contention as I stood on #7 tee, it is not an easy hole as everyone knows and like my playing partner’s Doppler Radar skills, I have an ability to sense oncoming calamity.” A bogey at the difficult 7th sent Jones back to -5 and in a tie for the lead with two holes remaining. A solid par at #8 meant the tricky ninth hole would decide things on this humid day. After leaving himself 6 feet for par, Jones was unable to find the bottom and a hollow finish to a fantastic 75 gross round on the day. “I can’t say enough about what it means to compete in this league.” said a bikini-clad Jones from the floating dock in Tupper Lake. “Like some of my high school girlfriends said when I was 17, sometimes all you can do is try Timmy.”

If not for the word controversy, the world would never be able to explain Saturday’s other contender to the Canadian Open title. After a week that saw Waldo make his own grouping (a KWGA major championship first), the oft absent one started ignominiously from the Back Nine with a pedestrian 41 gross but in contention at -5 as he headed into his second nine. Bogies at #3 and #6 dropped him to -3 as solid pars on the finishing three holes cemented his Top 3 bounce back performance. His round included the KWGA ‘s first personal gallery since Double Double’s in 2016 and the Red Bull Cheer Squad’s only appearance in 2015, a fact that seemed to rattle his competition on their final hole. “Grampy and Waldo were both in the fairway sand trap on #9 as I watched from afar in my KWGA cart.” said a giggling Commissioner. “By the time the two of them exited the trap they both had more sand on them than Pig Pen from the old Peanuts cartoon. Sometimes a blood-letting is good for everyone. All that was missing was some water and bikinis…minus all the back hair.”

FEDEX CUP UPDATE

Saturday’s final major cemented four spots in the playoffs as Grampy, Fogg, Gadget and The Commissioner are all 25.0 points clear of being caught by the #10 standing golfer, Biggest Johnson, at 126.5 points with just one tournament left to qualify. Why the #10 standing and not #9 4th Reich you ask? The KWGA got some disappointing news Saturday as The 4th Reich is heading back to Deutschland Tuesday night and has withdrawn his name from contention. That means Biggest Johnson, Mr. Wildcat and Air Bud still have a mathematical chance to qualify Top 8. The Shark, Denim Cowboy and BIP should also not fold their tents as alternates have been required in years past to fill out the Top 8 field for Quarter-Finals (The Barclays Championship). “The FEDEX Cup is a prestigious title and the most difficult to win as it takes 19 weeks of competition in total, that includes 3 weeks of playoffs.” said a matter of fact Commissioner. “It’s like working your whole High School career to ask out that special someone to the prom in Grade 12. Will you be taking the hot blond who you stared at in class for three years….or your mom to the prom.?” Time will tell gentlemen…time will tell.

TUPPER LAKE SOCIAL

KWGA’ers enjoy Tupper Lake Social as host Fogg continues to assure the gathering…”This will pass in 15 minutes. I swear.”

Another awesome social in 2018 as Mike, Anne, Mark and Shannon outdid themselves in a spread fit more for Kings or Greek Gods readying for an orgy. Many thanks for opening your homes and your A-1 hospitality people. It is another piece of heaven on earth that I get to visit in the summer. You reminded me of the reason that this league has grown like it has…because of people and moments like Saturday. Not even monsoon rain, dogs, or a Red Sox win could ruin this day. THANKS A MILLION AGAIN! IT IS MUCH APPRECIATED.

PS…Mike & Mark…Send your bill to The Sheriff. He can afford it…I think he sold another roof Saturday night!

Things I learned in Tupper Lake

*The Fogg sucks as a weather forecaster/analyst…I dare say I have not seen it monsoon rain for that long in The Valley in 20 years. “It’s just a small cell…This cell will pass by in 15 minutes.” 4:39pm

*The Third Legge is a master at political trivia. The man even knew that George Bush Jr.’s term as US President was in the 1980’s. Not many people can get that one.

*The Sheriff kept his streak alive Saturday. Make a birdie, show up post round. Not make a birdie…

*Wasczcyk-Carey is The Man. He was correctly able to guess that my favorite beer is Keith’s and that I wanted to drink three of his green cans in Tupper Lake.

*Fajitas are great…and they keep on giving long after they have been digested. I am sorry in advance.

*I learned that I am safe if my plane ever crashes in water. I may have set the record Saturday for solo floating and water treading at 2h and 15 minutes. Plus I got to do my laundry in the water.

*Not everyone does laundry in the water like me or wears swim trunks at social events. (Names redacted for everyone’s safety Shark, Third Legge…)

NEWS, NOTES & QUOTES

“This could start a new trend…two piece drivers!”

*”Everyone relax. My pension will  cover it.” ~Biggest Johnson

*Neil’s Harbour? Really? Jumpin’ Jesus, BMW’s are not supposed to break down in Neil’s Harbour FFS! No wonder I am going back to Germany this week!” ~4th Reich

*Fellas, I drove by Ken-Wo Saturday night at 8:30pm and I saw something I had never seen before…#3 fairway and green completely under water and a pond in front on #2 tee as big as Tupper Lake!

*We hope to see some of those who were away last week on golf trips and family vacations back on Tour this Saturday August 11. We hope that you had a great time and are ready to do battle once again on the KWGA gridiron with Holly next week! PS…some of you need to shake your heads.

*Next Saturday is the Holly Sonders Golf Channel Memorial. It is a 2 point event on the Pearl Necklace leaderboard with just 4 events left to win it! The sign-up and volunteer box has been posted on the website. Get in the game! See you next week!

~The Commissioner

COWBOY UP!

DENIM COWBOY ROUNDS UP A RECORD DAY

(AP) New Minas, NS

In a scene straight out of the Twilight Zone, the KWGA’s annual Cheeseburger Picnic saw the league’s Denim Cowboy terrorize the field with a record setting 59 net (75 gross) en route to his second career victory Saturday at KenWo GC. The Cowboy’s 59 bested the record of Telly-Kelley (60 net) set in 2016, a record we may not see broken for many years to come. The win came just one week after a gut-wrenching runner-up sudden death playoff finish at last week’s Players Championship to the same Telly-Kelley, rectifying a wrong in the eyes of the denim one. “I know guys look at me and wonder how I can swing a golf club let alone win a tournament.” said a be-speckled and smiling Cowboy. “If you want me to look like Adam Scott with or without a golf club in my hands then you have the wrong dude. I have been building toward this all season and now it is finally here. Guys will respect me in this league or mark my words, I will open a doggy day care centre with transportation services provided free of charge…whether you like it or not. Seat belts optional.”

“Don’t worry, it won’t hurt.”

Not known for starting fast, the Cowboy cracked the “poodle whip” early Saturday with birdies at #1 and #3, birdies that had the New Minas gallery scrambling for a better view of this “dingo” being caught on film for the first time. The birdies led to a Front Nine 36 gross that had him out in front of the “pack” heading into some difficult blue tees on the back side. However, another birdie at #11 served notice that the hip was loose and free and the rest of the field should be at DEFCON 5 “canine alert”. After bogey blips at #15 and #16, a repeat of last week would not be in order. The Cowboy gently steered his golf vehicle to pars at #17 and #18, also rectifying a terrifying South Shore drive with family and friends from days gone by. The gross 75 was his career best on Tour and good enough for the victory on this day. “I know that my driving in both golf and South Shore day trips is suspect but unlike vaulting two muts out of a car window by accident, I had to take responsibility for my accident last week.” said a beaming Denim Cowboy. “Last week’s loss, as much as I hate to admit it, hurt. It felt like I had fallen out of a moving vehicle. Today everyone gets ice cream and a safe ride home.”

Saturday’s hard luck stories came in the form of a Shark and a Sleuth. After a summer of golf discontent and torment, the KWGA’s version of a Shark Attack also ravaged the unique Red, White and Blue setup to the tune of a net 61 which included the league’s first eagle of the season at the Par 5 6th. In all, the razor toothed wonder piled up 13 pars along with his eagle, with only a double bogey 6 on the Par 4 4th hole besmirching his card. Standing on #17 tee at -11 he surely thought that victory was his and avoiding double bogeys would be good enough to win. However, bogeys at #17 and #18 would inevitably cost the KWGA’s sexiest man his third career title in a record setting score for a non-winner on Tour. If you thought you were unlucky, just try and be Maxwell-Smart for a day will you? A gross 71 that included birdies at the opening three holes meant a 6 handicap stood at -9 standing on #4 tee, a recipe that is usually good enough for a win. However, the birdies would dry up like ribs in three day old tin foil and the Sleuth would have to settle for an unlucky 3rd place finish on this day. “All I can do is fire at flag sticks and let the rest take care of itself.” said an irate postman. “If you didn’t understand the term “going postal” before, it means shooting 71 gross and not winning. I can’t complain though, it has been a lucrative rang year on tour and that means plenty of doggy treats at home. I know how to treat canines.”

“No wonder nobody notices my ribs.”

Rounding out the Top 3 was a man who has quietly squeezed on to a FEDEX Cup qualifying season as firmly as he did his beaux at the post game BBQ. That’s right, there was another Inspector Gadget sighting in the Top 3 this week after a gross 80 (65 net) that sometimes wins tournaments. Catching the Cowboy’s powerful slip-stream, Gadget found a birdie at #5 and a Front Nine 39 that set him up for a Back Nine surge. A fantastic 5 at the 444 yard 16th hole was followed by pars at #17 and #18, a stretch that had all 15 handicaps glassy eyed from coast to coast. Envy oozed from playing partners and all that witnessed on the lowest scoring day on Tour in 2018. “If you didn’t score today with some of these tees you were obviously thinking about post round festivities a little too soon.” said a confident Gadget. “Some of these guys were thinking about things they haven’t seen in many years…their ribs. I focused on what was important, gentle fades and staying out of trouble both at home and on the golf course. My day is coming soon.”

FEDEX CUP UPDATE

Just three regular season events remain as the 2018 FEDEX Qualifying season winds down and the intrigue is as thick as the air inside the tent of a 4H Club oxen pull competition. The Fogg continues to lead the pack even after a last place finish this week that garnered him as many points as his new vegen diet….zero. The Sleuth Maxwell-Smart continued his blistering play of late and jumped to second place with 149.5 points. Like Sidney Crosby, you can only hope to contain him, not stop him. The Commissioner, Gadget, Grampy, 4th Reich and Mr. October also hold down spots in the Top 8. Mr Wildcat and Telly-Kelley continued their personal sword fight yesterday for the 8th and final qualifying spot with Wildcat leep-frogging a spot at yesterday’s Cheeseburger Picnic.

The big question is, how much will the Acadia Alumni and Ken-Wo Club Championshp affect our league`s standing? With Bannister-Hennigar continuing to be held hostage in Toronto and The Hunchback in Cape Breton, they will need a win at the Canadian Open and some help. BIP, Fogg and his “lake mate” Shark will also be missing in action this Friday and will also be looking for some Canadian Open magic. Never fear gentlemen, as Donald Trump proved in his election, all you need is a little luck and some Russian interference…and you are gold.

THANK-YOU HAROLD AND KATHERINE!!!

Boys, if you missed it Saturday, you missed another reason to be happy Aylesford Lake exists, even on a misty, cloudy day. Thank-you Harold and Katherine for letting us into your home once again. Your hospitality and “fixins” made it sunny and yummy on my insides and from what I saw, everyone else’s who also made the drive out to the lake. The homemade rolls, bacon wrapped scallops and Nanaimo squares had me wishing there was a room for rent there! The only problem in all of this is that I went back over 300 lbs after yesterday. Next year I am biking out to Aylesford like the 4th Reich did a few summers ago! We look forward to the 2019 Cheeseburger Picnic as I believe the KWGA got through a probationary year where nothing got broke or went missing…only a certain bald tire went flat that didn’t belong to you! THANKS AGAIN!!!!

NEWS, NOTES & QUOTES

*”Hey John…C’mere.” ~Grampy

*Mark Gavin’s 61 net was the best net score not to win in KWGA history. He bested the record set by Doug Irwin (62 net) set in 2016.

*Boys, I just want to thank everyone for their input this weekend in making the Cheeseburger Picnic another success. From the Ken-Wo staff who allowed me to invade their kitchen on a very busy wedding preparation day, to Burkie for helping me get the ribs and BBQ sauce evacuated from said kitchen and wrapped in foil for the ride to Aylesford. That was a bigger job than anyone knows. If you saw the commotion in the kitchen when we walked in to get them out of the ovens you would truly know. There isn’t a lot of space for someone 6’5 and 298 lbs in that sweat box. It made me break my water and make the floor slippery for the rest of the day. I also want to thank Johnny Kenny for the best belly laugh I have had in several years! See some of you on Friday morning!

~The Commissioner

THE PEOPLES PLAYERS CHAMPION

TELLY-KELLEY WINS TPC IN SUDDEN DEATH PLAYOFF

(AP)- NEW MINAS, NS

On a day made for championship golf, the KWGA’s second major took on a life of its own, with one man, Telley-Kelley, outlasting the Denim Cowboy to win the 2018 Players Championship in the Tour’s second sudden death playoff.  A scorching 63 net (76 gross) did not surprise the pre-tournament odds-makers as “TK” was a 3-1 favorite heading into the event. “The most difficult part of the day was convincing two warriors to get out there and continue the fight.” said a giggling Commissioner. “Those two used to be linemates on the Anvil Draughts ball hockey team back in 1979 so you know how much tread is left on those tires. A lot of wear and tear to say the least. Give them credit though, TK even had a beer in him by the time he reached the tee at the playoff.”

At his best, TK is a par making machine with the ability to drip in the the odd birdie when you are not paying attention. It’s been the secret of his underdog success throughout his golfing career…and he was at it again at The Players, parring five of the first six holes for a Front Nine tally of 38. A birdie at #12 meant another Back Nine charge was under way. The steely glare and the focused straight ahead strut was back. A bogey at the Par 5 14th would be his last blemish on a championship round. “I have been playing better lately and things obviously fell into place today.” said a matter of fact TK following his round. “I knew when I parred #16 that I had a serious chance to win. What I didn’t know was that BIP and The Cowboy were also tearing it up behind me.” Indeed, after a double bogey at #14, the Denim Cowboy would go -1 gross the rest of the way, including a birdie at #15 that would eventually tie him for the lead.

BIP TRIED…BUT FALLING OFF THE HORSE WAS INEVITABLE ON THIS DAY.

Meanwhile, in his same group, BIP was on fire also, however, reality would come crashing down on him after a 6-9-7 finish to his round that would take him from first to tied for 9th in a heartbeat. “I have see prized race horses euthanized for less.” said a sympathetic Commissioner. “My heart was breaking for BIP. I just wanted so badly to walk up to him on the 18th tee, hand him an ice-chilled towel and a sandwich and guide him to the balcony above #1 tee. I am guessing he would have taken my up on it at that moment.” The final tally was in, TK and The Cowboy were tied and would head to the Par 3 115 yard “extra hole” for sudden death.

One man would go willingly, while the other needed a slight yank from the comfy confines of his post round recliner and beer. So what happened when you mess with the bull? Sometimes you get the horns. Both TK and the Cowboy would tally par 3’s on the tie-breakers first attempt. But the walk down to the tee below to fire again was not on these warrior’s minds. Instead, a chip off would settle this one. Both TK and The Cowboy would par again on a second attempt to break the deadlock. Finally, on the competition’s 3rd extra hole, TK would ram in a par putt while The Cowboy’s final 6 footer would miss the hole. Victory and a second major title would be TK’s. “An exhausting but rewarding day.” said TK from his perch above Ken-Wo. “It was painful but now I have a great story to tell. I remember how much The Cowboy had my back when I played ball hockey with him years ago, so it was hard to wrestle a major from his grasp. It’s days like these that remind me why I came out of retirement.”

ANOTHER CLOSE SHAVE

AIR BUD’S HEARTFELT CHEER FOR YET ANOTHER CLOSE CALL.

Saturday’s hard luck story was not hard to see, from UP close or far away. For the third time in the last four majors, Air Bud finished one stroke out of first place. Coming into Saturday’s Players Championship, Air Bud was an afterthought with the Vegas odds-makers at 16-1, last in the field. However, what they didn’t measure was the heart of a man who uses mental trickery on a daily basis. The man once again willed himself into contention during a season of struggle. Back to back birdies at #6 and #7 meant rang money and a flash as bright as some of those great Greg Norman bridesmaids rounds of the 1980’s. “Scott is like a male exotic dancer, you want to take your eyes away but you can’t.” said a beaming Commissioner. “You just HAVE to see what ends up happening even if it means mental scare tissue.” Great playing Scott. Your day will come.

FEDEX CUP UPDATE

With just four tournaments remaining in the Race for the FEDEX Cup, there is still a lot to be decided. Mike White continues to lead and is a lock for the playoffs with his 182.5 points after yet another sub-80 round and a 5th place finish at The Players. His level of play will be hard to beat. Defending champion Commissioner Ford is second with 142.5 points in a solid season in defense. A gaggle of KWGA vets make up the rest of the Top 8 that includes a fast-charging Grampy, Maxwel-Smart and certain host of a Cheeseburger Picnic next Saturday. However, the Tour’s Cinderalla story has quickly become Telly-Kelley, whose win Saturday vaulted him into the 8th and final playoff spot IN JUST 6 EVENTS! His 108.0 points lead Mr. Wildcat by 2.5 points and trail Mr. October by just 13.0 points. Five more golfers have 94.0 points or more making this the closest FEDEX Cup race in its five year history. With Barry Hennigar and Chris Rushton returning to Tour after vacationing last week, points will be at a premium the rest of the way which includes one last double point day, the Canadian Open on Saturday August 4.

Go to STANDINGS-FEDEX CUP for full details on where you stand.

CHEESEBURGER PICNIC-NEXT SATURDAY

Next Saturday Harold will be hosting us at his residence in Aylesford Lake. Here are some things to think about and know before then.

*Earlier Tee Times: I am suggesting 7:30-8:09am tee times for us next Saturday. That way I won’t feel so rushed to get ribs cooked and out to his cottage and it also gets us out to Harold’s for a larger portion of the afternoon. If you have objection to this, make your voice heard.

*Ken-Wo has allowed me to cook the ribs in one of their kitchen ovens while we are golfing. A special thanks to Rene and Heidi for allowing me to do this. Note: Harold, if I can’t fit everything in the oven at Ken-Wo, can I use your oven at home? I will keep you updated as the week progresses.

NEWS, NOTES & QUOTES

*A special thanks to KK and Jackie Redmond for making my day on Saturday! Jackie’s picture is the first memento to make the KWGA Hall of Fame! It’s not often that a professional sportscaster follows a local league of bar league golfers! For those who were not at the presentation Saturday…

TOOTSIE THE DAY AWAY!

Commissioner Relives, Captures The Cabaret

“If you build it, they will come.” No, I am not talking about the famous line from the movie “Field of Dreams.” If you didn’t already know, they stole that line from the manager of Tootsies-Miami Cabaret on 183rd street in the tough city of Miami Gardens. Whenever you build a building as big as that for the purposes of highly female athletic ability, the masses will flock. Seemingly inspired by four years of splendid nights in Miami’s #1 destination for smiles and success, your Commissioner battled his way like a good Seve Ballesteros round from the 1980’s on his way to winning the 2018 Tootsies-Miami Cabaret by one stroke over three men who should never set foot in Tootsies for varying and important reasons. “I think it is ironic that strippers and golf count their scores using “strokes.” said a beaming Commissioner. “This win today means the world to me. When I added this tournament to the schedule three years ago, it was a way for me to relive some of those Friday nights I spent having dinner and watching ball games on big screen TV’s…and the odd lap dance, but I digress. About the only other person who would understand what I am talking about is yanking monster lake trout out of Northern BC waters at the moment. I have to also thank my swing coach of the past 20+ years for tuning me up this week.”

“TOOTSIE THAT!”

The Commissioner’s day did not start out well with a double bogey that included left woods off the tee, pavement, deep rough, a chip and two putts. Up and downs from the woods on #2 and #3 were the precursor to a birdie at his nemisis hole #4. However, the shot that changed everything was a 155 yard faded nine iron approach to #7 green from the #6 side of the trees. “Nobody saw what I was looking at or the ball in the air, but I could have easily made 8 there.” said The Commissioner. “I just got over it and said, you know what, the world hates a coward.” His ball would stop 11 feet underneath the hole for a safe par 4. “That gave me the confidence and peace of mind to relax and think about a few of Tootsies’s finest I met over the years. Talk about a happy place.” The Seve pars would continue at #8 and #10 seemingly pole vaulting him through some shaky swings like a Rickie Fowler fiance’. “I happened to bump into Rod on #16 fairway when I was playing #17 and he said to go ahead and birdie it, and so I did.” said The Commissioner. “His husky voice was in stark contrast to those soft, feminine voices I was hearing in my head all day but it was effective nonetheless. However, it is not a habit I want to get in to. I never want to get my wires crossed in that area.”

Coming in a very close second was pre-tournament favorite at 2-1 Telly-Kelley, whose season has quickly picked up speed in the last 4 weeks. Pars on four of the first 5 holes followed by a birdie at the 8th hole meant contention but his back to back triple bogies at the 9th and 10th would torpedo his round. However, that’s when Telly-Kelley is at his best, when you count him out. Five straight pars would follow and the New Minas dweller would drag himself back into contention but his efforts would fall just one stroke short. “It was fun to be in contention again and thought of as a favorite.” said Telly-Kelley. “I’ve never been to Tooties but I can only imagine the celebration there after a win…and neither can they.”

#3 The Irwin’s

Also tying for second Saturday was The 4th Reich, whose magic wand wasn’t in his khaki shorts on this day. Weeks of bemoaning a balky putter became fist pumps of joy after rolling in well over 100 feet of putts on this day. His round included 7 one putt greens on the all important Back Nine which included a ridiculous 33 foot downhill curler on #16 that tied him for the tournament lead. “It’s probably best I didn’t win today.” said a relieved 4th Reich. “I have had more company in my home the last 3 months than a Hamburg Youth Hostel…and with more to come. After I jammed in yet another putt on #18 I thought I may have a chance to win but I will take my round today. I squeezed every ounce out of it considering how I hit my driver today. Anyone needing a room or place to stay the rest of the summer is welcome to call my wife’s hotline, errrrr, our cell phone to make reservations.”

Last but not least, and also tying for second this week, was a man, just two weeks ago, who tendered his retirement from golf and the KWGA after a stripper-less 102  at The Masters. The druken text retirement was treated like a Jim Lahey Captain Morgan binge by The Commissioner and what do you know? Fonda-Thomson would find his golf mojo once again with an 85 gross that included two triple bogies. Only a bogey at #18 would come between him and his first career KWGA win. “I have to credit my Friday at Eagle Crest with a few lads that made me look like Jordan Spieth comparatively.” said Fonda-Thomson. “Confidence is everything in golf I know. You can have $3,000 worth of gear in your bag, which I do, but it doesn’t amount to a pinch of  raccoon sh** if the man swinging it doesn’t think he can.” Well played my brother.

FEDEX CUP UPDATE

The Fogg continues to lead the Race for the FEDEX Cup even after a 12th place finish yesterday. Inspector Gadget held down his second place standing also after a disappointing day at Tootsies, which is very difficult to do. The Commissioner jumped back up to 3rd place with his win. The 4th Reich vaulted to 7th with his solid round yesterday. Men to watch include Telly-Kelley who has jumped all the way to 16th place with 58.0 points in just five events. However, the most relieved man is no doubt Mr. Wildcat, who after taking the last two weeks off to sun himself in a backyard pool on a rubber dingy remains above the cut off line in 8th place with 105.5 points. “I am coming back with a tan, renewed golf vigor and a boatload of good memories and positive imagery.” said Mr. Wildcat. “I will be stylin’, profilin’ jet ridin’…and I am having a hard time keeping these alligator shoes down baby!” See you next Saturday KK!

KWGA- THE NEXT 2 WEEKS

Next Saturday is our second Major, The Players Championship on July 14. The sign-up box has already been posted on the website. The following Saturday is Harold’s Cheeseburger Picnic on July 21. There is a lot of organizing to do so I will need your help. How can you help? By paying attention and responding to alerts. Starting on Saturday night July 14, I will be posting a poll on the website with several questions.

1. Will you be playing golf in The Cheeseburger Picnic?

2. Will you be attending Harold’s Social in Aylesford Lake?

3. Will you be bringing your significant other?

Answer these questions will help Harold, his wife and I prepare enough food for everyone. What else can YOU do? Have a positive attitude and bring something to drink!

SEE YOU NEXT WEEK!

~THE COMMISSIONER

KWGA Send-Off

Goodbye and Thank-You Neta!

Friday June 29, 2018.

KWGA Commissioner Derek Thomson presented Ken-Wo Staff Neta Jollimore with a token of appreciation Friday night on her last day on the job after 18 years in the trenches at our beloved club. Thanks for your contribution and hard work over the years. Good luck with your future endeavors! ~KWGA