MAGNOLIA MIKE!

Fogg Trumps Masters Field With Sizzling 64

The Tradition Continues. Defending Champion Weasie passes on the Green Jacket to 2018 Champion The Fogg.

From the little college town that could. From the hardwood floors of Horton High and Bowdoin College. From the golf gutter to its most hallowed grounds and treasured title. After years of turmoil, strife and spherical frustration, the man known simply as Fogg made Wolfville great again with a virtuoso performance at Saturday’s 6th annual KWGA Masters, winning his first career major in calm and convincing style. It was just twelve  months ago that Fogg finished dead last at KenWolia Lane and just four years ago that getting through 18 holes was a victory in itself. How the tables have turned. A gross 79 (-6) was good enough to clip a revitalized Inspector Gadget and a low gross Maxwell-Smart (75) in a riveting Masters that had everything but a summit with Kim Jong Un. “I can’t describe how I feel right now.” said a beaming Fogg. “When I made the commitment to golf years ago I never imagined it would be this difficult or take this long. Sports had always come  easy to me from the time I was being paternally “fundamentalized” in my backyard as a kid, repetition until perfection. I learned how to learn the old fashioned way, when Dad’s were allowed to let their kids fail, when kids were expected to fail without crying. To finally reach this pinnacle today is beyond description. It’s a testament to hard work, counting ’em all during the journey and finding small victories each round to build on. I am proof now that anyone can do it.”

What loomed large and unfamiliar to Fogg Saturday was the specter of expectation. Billed as a 2-1 favorite just behind two time back-to-back champion Weasie Locke, much was actually expected from a man who had never had a whiff of a major title. This because of consistent sub-70 net rounds heading into the event, a win a week ago at the Herbin Experience and some Men’s night magic just days before. If he was nervous about it, you couldn’t tell from the look on his face or his lack of warm-up heading into the round. However, Fogg would get off to a shaky start, a start that belied the confidence he exuded before teeing off. Bogies at #1, #2 and a double bogey at #4 quickly erased four strokes of his net cushion. Then the inner voices from his past must have kicked in. Fogg played the rest of the Front Nine level par, including a Commissioner cut-off birdie at #8 for a rock-solid 39 gross that put him three strokes behind Weasie and one stroke behind Inspector Gadget at -11. “It was difficult staying calm, especially after my birdie at #8.” said a reflective Fogg. “I knew I would be right in the hunt heading into Amen Orchard. That’s an area of the course I like and have played well in lately. Plus I saw Weasie starting to falter a bit.”

Leaderboard (Through 9 Holes)

Fogg would traverse Amen Orchard at one over par with a thunder bolt soon to follow. Playing partner Johnny “The Denim Cowboy” was also quietly in the hunt and would go a solid +2 through Amen Orchard on the last of his golfing fumes after a Friday Fundango at Avon Valley just hours before Masters tee off. It was a Fundango that would rock the Masters Organizers foundation just hours before tee off, but I digress. Gadget would also need two extra strokes for those top four holes but it was Weasie who would be the story at Amen Orchard. The city slicker would need eight extra swings to get through Amen Orchard, drastically swinging the tides of shit away from any three-peat. A devastating snowman at the Par 4 12th hole meant his lead had vanished, never to be regained. “I think I may have started to think about KWGA history and a few other things outside of golf.” said a resigned Weasie. “When you play golf once a month, yes, your mind is clear of negative thought, but ones natural talent level is all you have at that point, and well, you get the point.”

Leaderboard (Through 13 Holes)

With the 6th Masters in the balance, the tournament headed to the winning holes, KenWo’s most daunting finishing five, a five hole stretch that demands precision off the tee and includes three holes where double digit scores are possible. It is like trying to get through JR’s Tavern & Bar at 2am without seeing a woman with a limp, someone spitting at you or well, getting into a fight. The Fogg’s birdie at the 14th hole served notice that he was ready to take on the fight, or drag home that special someone with the limp. It gave him a two stroke lead after Gadget’s own solid par at the 14th. Denim Cowboy would bogey and then implode with a triple bogey 6 at the 15th, ostencibly ending his Masters chances. The tournament was down to two men heading into the scary 16th.

Leaderboard (Through 15 Holes)

Gadget would cut into the lead once more with a fantastic five at the brutish Par 4 16th hole, that after Fogg would falter with a double bogey on the same hole. The lead was now one. “Say what you want but when you know you are in probably leading The Masters with three holes to play, nerves are a factor.” said a relieved Fogg. “I knew anything I would do from this point on would be judged like my backyard games of one on one with my brother Duncan. I didn’t let him win when we were kids and I sure as bejeebers wasn’t going to let a computer geek beat me today.” For Gadget it was a new position for someone used to transistors, not surlyn wrapped spheres. A double bogey at the Par 5 17th would mean only a Fogg meltdown over the courses’ last 900 yards would stand between him and a Green Jacket. “Those are a treacherous 900 yards.” said a steadfast Commissioner. “Finding the fairway on 17 isn’t easy and missing the pond on 18 isn’t exactly a given either. Much was to be decided still. I don’t care what Trump, Rodman  or Kim Jong Un say.”

Leaderboard (Through 17 Holes)

With an underwear full of tension and trailing by a single stroke, Gadget would struggle with the dastardly 18th hole, carding a double bogey six giving The Fogg some extra linen lined breathing room as he stood on the 18th tee. Fogg would find the fairway, safely avoid the pond with his approach, nestling his ball just short of the green in the rough right of the green. His 70 foot chip would curl pin high to 7 feet. All that was left was a 2 putt for victory. Fogg would miss the 7 footer but tap in for bogey 5 and the victory. “I was grinding over that putt.” said a now dripping Fogg. “I could hear the chatter on the hill behind me. They were probably telling stories about how I used to shoot 102 on Saturday’s…and now here I was putting for The Masters.” said Fogg. “The giggling and teasing shall stop now. Mission accomplished. This game is easy. Is the Wolfville Lawn Bowling Club opening up again anytime soon? Maybe I can Master that sport too,”

KWGA FEDEX CUP UPDATE

The Fogg’s Masters win vaulted the Wolfville bred champion to 1st place in the overall standings with a commanding 144.5 points. Inspector Gadget also jumped into 2nd place overall with 108.0 points while a soon to be vacationing Mr. Wildcat holds down third for the moment with 105.5 points. Wildcat will be hoping to hang around in the Top 8 qualifiers while he goes and practices his on air persona with a certain employee of the NHL Network for the next 2 Saturdays. Mr. October, The Commissioner, Maxwell-Smart Grampy and The 4th Reich hold down the rest of the Top 8 Qualifying spots. Bannister-Hennigar and a fast charging Biggest Johnson are close behind and will be no doubt trying to make a big push over the next few weeks before their significant others pull the plug on the amateur golf progress. Look for Biggest Johnson to put in some good work to find his spot in the summer fields as the Hants County Predator has been playing his best golf in the last 20 years. “I saw what Gary is capable of Friday at Avon Valley and again yesterday at The Masters. If he isn’t in the Top 8 qualifiers for the FEDEX Playoffs, then it’s Biddy’s fault. The guy has been reborn now that retirement is closing in.

The FEDEX Cup regular season runs through the Holly Sonders Golf Channel Memorial on Saturday August 11, 2018 with the Quarter-Finals commencing on Saturday August 18, 2018 at the Barclays Championship. Go to STANDING-FEDEX CUP to see full standings and details.

“C’mon guys. Plan ahead. I am worth fighting for.” ~Holly

NEW SIGN-IN VOTING POLL

Fellas, I was able to find a new software “widget” to replace our old one that had begun to malfunction. I apologize for the chaos it may have caused over the last two weeks. Let’s get back to our old system and away from emailing me to sign up each week. LET’S USE THE SIGN-UP POLL ON THE WEBSITE.

Note: I have made one change to the voting poll. I have condensed two polls into one. Each week you may click on BOTH “Yes” for golf on Saturday and “I Will Get a Tee Time” if you so choose. If you have ANY questions about this please contact me. Thanks.

SOCIAL EVENTS CALENDAR

The next social event on our calendar is Harold’s Cheeseburger Picnic on Saturday July 21. Here is the rest of what I know as of this writing.

Saturday August 18- Darrell Cook & Johnny Kenny’s (Wolfville)

If you would like to host a social event or if I have missed something, please get in contact with me with a date and I will post it on the website under SOCIAL EVENTS. Thanks.

NEWS, NOTES & QUOTES

*”ich denke, darrell hat sich verletzt “Motivator Cuff” yesterday.” ~4th Reich.  Loosely translated that means “I think Darrell injured his “Motivator Cuff” this morning.

*Word out of The Miramichi is that Bud caught a cold, 24 Keith’s and one big fish story that keeps getting bigger. Missed ya on Saturday but hope you had a great time with pops and your brother!

*Saturday’s Masters marked the first time Weasie finished outside of the Top 3 at The Masters. “It’s been a good run for me. Winning twice was amazing but what is more amazing is that it cost me $75 to engrave the trophy. Even more amazing than that is that I managed not to lose the Green Jacket and trophy. I mean I had the friggin’ thing for 24 months. Some of you guys can’t even keep a scorecard right for 4 hours let alone look after something for 24 months.”

*”What? Someone else birdied #17? I am NOT coming upstairs”~The Sheriff   Everyone already knows that John.  Update: Alas, just moments after that whining statement, it was discovered The Sheriff won a rang with a par….a PAR! There is no justice I tell you. None.

*Great day yesterday fellas. It’s one thing to create a platform but you have to have followers and people who believe. Just ask Hilary Clinton. See you next Saturday!

WILL YOU PLEASE SHAVE!

~THE FINAL SHOT~

The time for talking has come to an end. It’s time to put the ball in the air. I thought a short video might help inspire you as you stand over a difficult shot Saturday. Just think of how these men felt standing over their shots, in that moment in time. It’s time to summon YOUR inner Jack, Tiger or Phil…See you Saturday! Enjoy.

PS…Please LOG IN and answer the poll question entitled “Will Weasie Locke win his 3rd straight Masters?” This is a new poll and hopefully one we can use to sign up each week…but I need your help in testing it. Thanks!

THE COUNTDOWN IS ON

Players, Patrons Ready for 2018 Masters

Final preparations for Saturday’s 6th annual KWGA Masters are under way and a bevy of participants could be seen on the course for Wednesday’s Men’s Night where conditions were borderline nightmarish. Ken-Wo showed just how difficult a short course can play if the winds pick up from any direction, but especially breeze out of the west. Saturday’s forecast calls for winds out of the Southwest with gusts up to 15 Km/Hr with a high of 23 degrees Celsius, certainly a reprieve in comparison. “Dealing with crosswinds is difficult for amateur golfers, especially ones with emotional handicaps like mine.” said a disgusted Commissioner following his round Wednesday. 

So without further adieu, let’s get to Saturday’s odds.

WEASIE (1-2)- He knows how to win with a handicap this week that gives plenty of cushion. One of a few men who can shoot a 61 net without a camper.

FOGG (2-1)- Has been playing under par on a regular basis with ability to make birdies. No one is longer when he hits it and will always be relaxed one way or another.

Mr. OCTOBER (3-1)- Hasn’t fared well in previous Masters but his start in 2018 points to a different outcome this time around.

BIGGEST JOHNSON (4-1)- A recent round in the 70’s fired a warning shot over the KWGA bow. How can he not play relaxed with THAT pension on the way?

INSPECTOR GADGET (5-1)- Another man with a low net window. Recent form has been positive with a tie for 1st two weeks ago. If the world tilts a little to the left Saturday he could be wearing a jacket.

DENIM COWBOY (6-1)- Made his pro debut at The Masters 3 years ago. Still looking for a signature win on Tour. The question is…can he peel himself away from World Cup coverage?

Mr. WILDCAT (13-2)- Anniversary party. Check. New kitchen. Check. Masters Green Jacket? A windblown 77 during Wednesday’s Men’s Night points to good things Saturday.

CAPTAIN SHITACULAR (7-1)- The 2015 champions can powder the golf ball as hard as his son’s slap shot. But will the putting stroke be there? Or is it back to fixing Doug’s furnace in the basement?

BANNISTER-HENNIGAR (8-1)- People tend to overlook this man and sometimes for good reasons. However, he is big game hunter looking for a reason not to drive to Toronto this summer.

WHERE’S WALDO? (9-1)- George Jones was famous for missing the odd gig but Waldo plays majors and not guitars. A worrisome limp and Nick’s empty cart could get in the way of a Green Jacket?

MAXWELL-SMART (10-1)- Has used a hammer lately as much as a 9 iron. We know he has PLENTY of green in his wardrobe being a wabbit hunter and all. Can he summon the magic of 2013?

DARRELL COOK (11-1)- Put this under the category of “He’s due”. However, he has watched more middle school track & field than swung golf clubs lately…but who knows?

THE SHERIFF (12-1)- Impossible to predict  how  this man will play week to week. His range is 78-95 just like his best years in blue. Just picture being in his jail for one moment will you?

4th REICH (13-1)- The man has had more people living in his home the last 6 weeks than a Munich Youth Hostel. How he can concentrate on golf is beyond me. Good luck Saturday bud.

GRAMPY (14-1)- The Masters Mountain is high and chilly this week, especially after 5 days in PEI on the sauce. He’d have to shoot 69 to win and that only happens on special occasions.

THE COMMISSIONER (15-1)- Hard to win a tournament when you hit 5 greens a round. Will need a miracle to shoot 71. Swing coach injured and so its been a rudderless summer so far. At least the Ford’s are back in power.

THE HUNCHBACK (16-1)- Has more softball home runs than birdies so far in 2018. Last week’s round did nothing to raise his odds or spirits but a US Open Pool win helps cushion the blow a bit.

TELLY-KELLEY (17-1)- Has had Masters success in the past and was under par net in last event. If his desire was canned they would sell more than Campbell’s soup.

SHOOTER MacKAY (18-1)- That 6 handicap will force him to rekindle his glory days of past, when the driver hit the fairway and wedges threatened the hole. His son has better odds this week.

FONDA-THOMSON (19-1)- There’s always a kid in line that gets picked last in gym class. Other than driving, chipping and putting, golf will come easy for him this week.

~Final Notes~

*Please be prepared to stay after your 18 holes Saturday in case you are in a playoff. There is only one Green Jacket and trophy. A playoff would take place on the Par 3 Practice Hole between Holes #8 & 9. The playoff would be straight up, no handicaps needed. It is a 110 Yard Par 3 after all. The Green Jacket ceremony will take place on the deck following the round.

*Lastly, If you have ANY inkling that you cannot make your tee time Saturday morning, contact me immediately. We have 21 golfers signed up which means we would be wasting a tee time that Ken-Wo could sell if one of us doesn’t show up! Not good for business.

WHERE THE MASTERS WILL BE WON…

AND LOST

Everyone at Ken-Wo knows that their rounds depend on good inner thoughts, relaxation, some Ibuprofen and maybe a good bounce or two along the way. Some golfers depend on those bounces while others wince in pain at the very thought of their ball nearing a tree line let alone the trunk of a tall, green maple. With that said, lets take a look at some key holes for the 6th annual KWGA Masters.

Hole #4   Par 4  367 Yards

No matter how scared you are to hit a shot…it could always be worse.

There is no denying that this is the hole that Ken-Wo starts to show its teeth. Players are forced to take into account wind direction and the dryness of the terrain leading to the creek that cuts this devilish Par 4 in two. Ponds, traps and out of bounds also make even 3 handicappers squeeze their clubs just a little tighter as they fire toward a sneaky deep green. Week to week on Tour, scores here rang from 3-10. Play can get backed up here like a cheap toilet. If the pin is placed in the front left portion of the green, then 3 putting comes into the equation. “This is where you see guys start to giggle nervously and tell ribald stories to cover up how anxious they are.” said the Commissioner. “Personally, I start getting gas on the second green thinking ahead to the 4th. Thank God that part of the course is semi-private.”

Hole #7  Par 4   412 Yards

This hole starts with a must drive in the fairway to even have a chance at par but what lurks ahead is Ken-Wo’s most unforgiving and difficult putting surface. There is no easy pin placement but a front right pin guarantees at least one calamity within a foursome, if not three. Why is this a key hole? Any player who manages to snag a par or heaven forbid a birdie skates off the green gaining 1.5 strokes on the field on average. How do I know? I did the math. “This hole can be a springboard to a win, especially for those 13-25 handicaps that graze in our league. It’s also embarrassing and demoralizing for single-digit handicappers to watch John Amirault roll in a 38 footer for birdie. If his wife could see how he celebrates I know she would be embarrassed.”

Hole #10  Par 4   360 Yards

Why #10 you ask? Because this is where guys’ concentration sometimes tends to wander. After a trip into The Turn for an alcoholic cider and maybe a bathroom break, thoughts meander to “Jesus, #15, #16 and #18 are going to play into the wind again today.” The next thing you know, your in trouble off of #10 tee, chipping out from under a tree, crossing a road or hitting from a severe downhill lie to a green that springboards golf balls to the back of the green quicker than a Grampy Lahey cheque. Double Bogeys are common here and for a single-digit handicapper, that’s two strokes they will be wishing they had standing on #16 tee.

Hole #16  Par 4   424 Yards

“Someone go ahead and hit…I’m not quite emotionally ready yet.”

This hole has played into the wind since the days when disco and corduroy were in style, maybe longer. It’s the one hole that double-digit handicappers feel the pain of their lack of length or accuracy. The goal is always par but nobody curses when they walk off that green with a 5. The unspoken truth about this hole is that everyone in the group is begging and praying that nobody hits the ball left, up the steep embankment, an embankment that has no doubt ripped out the sides of many a pair of golf shoes. Not to mention that anyone over 240 lbs knows what I am about to say…OUR FEET ARE POUNDING SORE BY THIS TIME IN THE ROUND. PLEASE DON’T MAKE ME CLIMB THAT HILL FOR YOUR GOLF BALL! THANK YOU JESUS. Phew, great drive Mike.

Hole #18  Par 4  399 Yards

If you want to win a Masters, you can’t screw up this hole. Just ask Gary Johnson, who in 2015 held a 3 shot lead on the final hole, only to perform his rendition of Tin Cup, dunking no less  than 4 balls into the pond on his way to a 13. Hitting this wide fairway should be easy, but as we know, from an elevated position the wind has more of an effect on your ball making this a semi-treacherous tee shot. However, the real difficulty is finding the right depth on your approach. The flag always seems to look closer than it really is like when your wife wearing her flannel pajamas and curlers in her hair. Add in a gallery of finished golfers overhanging the green and what you have is your first look into what its like to play golf on TV.

Good luck gentlemen. This is why a fake PGA Tour was created. Hopefully you will have a shot like this to win a Masters! Can you pull it off?

BUFFUDLED NO MORE?

Grampy Looks to Snap Major Drought

This year’s KWGA Masters brings with it the annual question. When will the KWGA’s Best Player to Have Never Won a Major finally break through? For Grampy, the question has dogged him relentlessly for five years, so much so that the Windsor Spitfire has left the province in preparation for Saturday’s showdown. Apparently the kitchen got a little too hot and he hit the trap door to PEI for his annual “Messy Fest” with another gaggle of men with fine motor skill and cognitive issues. So just what Grampy will return from The Island Saturday morning…and in what shape to win the most coveted title on The Tour? It’s anyone’s guess.

What we do know is that Grampy has finished a solid 4th and 3rd in his last two Masters narrowly falling short by 3 and 2 strokes respectively. His 2018 season has been pedestrian by his standards with just two of his last five KWGA rounds being under par including 12th, 7th, 7th, 5th and 6th place finishes. That’s not exactly sparkling but definitely trending in the right direction. So what will have to change for him to get his first major? “I am going to need shoot a 71 and get some help.” said a staggering Grampy from his veranda overlooking the Northumberland Strait. “Some of these guys like The Fogg and Weasie have 7-13 stroke leads on me before we even tee off. It’s like when I skate backward in my Old-Timers League hockey games. I can feel my opponents wind whipping past me before I can even swivel my hips. That Weasie prick, the guy waltzes in once a month and beats our brains in and we are expected to smile at him and not throw our dinner at him. This year I can’t promise him he won’t be wearing egg by the time he gets in his economy automobile. Mine’s faster anyway.”

“Mine’s Faster!” ~Grampy  “Mine’s Bigger” ~Weasie

THE MASTERS MESSIAH

Can Weasie Really 3-Peat?

Saturday kicks off the Major Championship season in the KWGA and you can’t talk about the 2018 KWGA Masters without first talking about Brent “Weasie” Locke. The two time back-to-back champion returns this Saturday to defend, and yes, flaunt his green jacket in front of a group of jealous middle-aged men in the heart of apple country. The man known as Weasie has baffled the field the last two Masters with his special brand of golf and signature smile but what lies beneath has proven to be a venomous snake of golf destruction once the golf balls start rolling. Couple that with a 20 handicap heading into the event and what you have is a clear favorite come Saturday. His only enemy will be inactivity as the city dweller has only been seen on the KWGA Tour twice this season with his last appearance being the Chesterfield Rugby Open in Chester where he finished a solid 4th at -2.

So what can we expect from Weasie this time around? Contention. There can be no doubting that wrestling the Green Jacket away from him will take a Herculean effort. The man has sprayed his scent on it like a deer does on its favorite maple tree. However, golf predators lurk in the form of Biggest Johnson, The Fogg and Grampy. Word on the street says that Weasie has been concocting a new scent for said predators this Masters in the form of a foul mood. At least he will save money not having to drive and drag that huge camper around anymore. Alas, I digress. Weasie has made it clear that he won’t be giving away anything else away easily as he answered questions from Golf Channel’s Brandel Chamblee. “I know these guys well enough to know that they will smile at me when they see me Saturday, but down deep, will be hoping that I crash and burn. I can’t blame them. They all chipped in for a trophy that they haven’t seen in 24 months. Listen, the bottom line is this. I’ve gotten in tip top condition and know how to bloat my handicap at just the right time. My biggest worry is letting those boys have any free time with my girlfriend at the bar after the round. Some of them are greasy.”

MEMORY LANE

The KWGA’s Birthplace

Do you remember? The genesis of the KWGA began on a hot summer day in July of 2013. There was no plan, no agenda, only a large gathering of men that formed organically like a good bowel movement without the intestinal foreplay, peristalsis. It was a veritable who’s who of Ken-Wo elite that gathered that day. Names like Murray, Kelley, Simmons and Elliott. Big names need a big event…and so The Masters was born. There was no “KWGA” back then, no social events or even prizes. That would come later. What was in place was 22 men fighting for a few bucks and a greenish colour winter coat that I found in a Frenchy’s outlet in Coldbrook. A proper green blazer with a Masters logo and a trophy would come later. There was no Nick Carey, no Scott Woodworth, no Kevin Poirier. That would come later. There was no website, no banquet, no fancy tie dyes, no cursing in German. That would come later. There was no “net” system in place. There was no forum for some of the most unique golf swings and moods to flourish. Alas, all we had was a gross system that made most golfers look for a lucky hole to win a rang, not a victory over all men. Oh wait, that’s what most of you are still looking for each Saturday.

The first Masters would be one to remember with the competition ending in a tie between Bob Maxwell and Rod Murray. What they shot that day is now lore, well, because I didn’t keep records back then, yet. That would come later. So what was decided? A sudden death playoff the following Saturday. The important part is not that Bob Maxwell won the playoff on the 1st hole that following Saturday. Instead, it was the ideas that started to percolate. How could we make this happen every week? That would come later.

MAN, MYTH…LEGEND

BIP STRIKES AGAIN AT “THE CHESTERFIELD”

Shinnecock Hills CC, Ken-Wo GC or Chester, it doesn’t seem to matter to the KWGA’s newest star, a man so famous he is now known by only one name. No, it is not Prince or Tiger or Liberace…it’s Ken-Wo’s own, BIP. On a week that saw the Tour travel to the South Shore and beautiful Chester Golf Club, the former Acadia Axemen football great terrorized the sod on the seaside course, firing a staggering 64 net en route to a two stroke victory over Where’s Waldo and by three strokes over former Sheriff Low Blow. Time and again BIP avoided the watery graves that envelop Chester GC while finding the centre of the club face, even while carting with a certain senior citizen who no doubt attempted to talk his face off. “I really have to attribute this season’s early success to a new workout regimen.” said a beaming and surprised BIP from the deck overlooking the Atlantic. “I am not on any “point system” nor am I avoiding red meat like a certain golfer right of Ted Nugent. How ridiculous is that anyway? Listen, I know the boys are probably scratching their heads at me winning twice already this season but they need to learn to get used to it. I am not going away. Heck, they still talk about The Pope at Acadia and that was 30 years ago!”

After driving the 60 minutes to Chester with the 4th Reich, BIP seemed calm and relaxed after learning the German alphabet through an interpreter on his Sirius Satellite station. “I was kinda zoned out.” said BIP. “I thought it was the radio nattering on but it was actually Doug talking the whole time. I know that seems in-congruent but you know, cows only roam on 4 legs and graze when we drive by those Valley pastures in our cars, the rest of the time they stand on their two hind legs and eat with a fork and knife. I bet you didn’t know that.” said a philosophical BIP. With a positive mindset, BIP went ahead with the task at hand, and for a 29 handicap, that simply means “nothing stupid”. A front nine 47 was highlighted by a par at the Par 3 8th hole and a stop for air the turn. A par at the Par 3 12th showcased his growing knack for finding lost money on the course’s shortest holes. “When I feel right nothing can stop me out here.” said BIP. “The Commissioner keeps finding people to play with me or this would not be possible. Grampy served as inspiration today. The man shot 76 and lost to me. Just to see that frustration on his face was priceless. He has to realize I am not one of his sucker poker buddies he plays with on Monday nights.”

Also making noise Saturday was Where’s Waldo, who began the week as a 16-1 underdog, however, scared odds-makers by finding birdies at the Par 4 9th and Par 5 15th en route to a 77 gross (66 net) and a runner-up finish. The spring portion of the season has been Charlie Chaplin-esque for the former Acadia attendee, whose eyes were wrapped by his David Duval signature series black shades upon arrival at Chester GC. It was a look that melded perfectly with the threatening sky that painted the day. Only a double bogey 6 at the devilish Par 4 13th stood in the way of a win on this day. “That hole is a prick.” said a hurried Waldo. “No one told me right of the fairway was death or that past the flag was automatic 3 putt territory. Plus that fairway made me seasick.” Luckily for Waldo, Mr. Waszczyk was there to save the day in his smooth riding semi-truck as the duo were quickly whisked away from anywhere near the Shore Clubs evening festivities. “Neither one of us could risk it.” said a double-taking Waszczyk. “We are both well known at that joint and it was best we stayed away. Plus I heard they had more Mounties waiting for us there than when the Royal Family visits.”

“Boys, I would seriously advise against it.”

Who would have thunk it? After breaking every traffic law on his way to the course, nobody could have expected the level of play from The Sheriff that arrived at Chester GC Saturday morning. “I broke out the old uniform and put the light on the roof of my car for old times sake today.” said a giggling Sheriff. “I was actually hoping one of them South Shore “smokies” would try and catch me. Nothing like an old fashion race I say!” A stellar 82 gross (67 net) meant his first Top 3 in what seems like an eternity. A pedestrian front nine 42 was followed by a surprising back nine 40 gross that featured pars at #10, #14, #15, #17 and #18. As he said following the round, his putter held him back from victory. “I am not used to short sticks.” said a smiling but disappointed Sheriff. “I never was. I was always told on the dockyards of Yarmouth growing up that playing golf was for sissies. I wasn’t worried about missed four footers back then but I sure as hell am now after missing about 5 of those little bastards today.” Sheriff, that’s why we make you putt ’em buddy, otherwise we wouldn’t stand a chance at beating a guy like you!

FITBIT AND FITNESS FREAKS?

“It’s your turn next Gary.”

An elephant in the room…it’s like when someone farts at church on a lovely Sunday morning. You know it happened, but it never seems right to address it. To hell with that I say! The KWGA also can no longer avoid the elephant in the room, and I am not talking about gas. I am not sure if Richard Simmons has made a comeback to inspire some of our brethren, but whatever it is, it seems to be working. We have two guys on a “point system”, a system that luckily seems to discount liquor, another guy eschewing the virtues of red meat after tearing into it for the better part of 50 years. Another guy finds a girlfriend and turns his body into something just north of Michael Phelps. Another guy checks his “fitbit watch” more than Flyer and Red Sox scores and another who pointed his 9-iron east and found the Acadia Athletic complex for the first time since his Axemen won the College Bowl in 1981. Now all we are missing is the plastic surgery to smooth out the rough edges. Great job fellas…Keep it up!

NEWS, NOTES & QUOTES

*”You fellers have a good buzz on?” -Chester’s finest    After leaving Chester GC Saturday afternoon, The Hunchback belatedly realized he needed to make a phone call. Of course said phone was in his golf bag, securely fastened in the cab of the truck. So everyone was forced to stop and park in a local residents driveway. This writer then said hello to the resident to which he uttered his question. I guess everyone in Chester that pulls over is considered drunk?

“Kev, did you find your phone yet?”

*Next Saturday is the RYDER CUP…Fingers crossed that we get an even amount of players. Please contact me via EMAIL this week if you want to play. Also, we will need volunteers to get tee times. Let me know if you can help out. Thanks! The teams will be picked Wednesday night and I will post them as soon as I get home from the golf course and draft.

*There will be a BBQ Social at Bob’s in Wolfville following the round. It might be nice to let me know if you plan to attend so that we can have enough food there…or that we don’t buy too much and waste.

PS…Mark, don’t forget to bring the trophy.

*Next Saturday the KWGA will welcome Dan McNally, a former Ken-Wo member and local legend. Looking forward to seeing you and that gorgeous golf swing Dan-O!!!!

*Thanks again to Dan Fraser for hooking us up this week! Hope to be back down again soon!

*As many of you probably know, Scott’s mother passed away this past week. I just wanted to send my regards to Scott publicly and I know the rest feel the same as I do. Great seeing you out Saturday Bud! Hang in there!

SEE YOU NEXT WEEK! FIRED UP ALREADY!

“LEGENDARY” PERFORMANCE

October Dawns on Legends Lounge

Fisher Takes Another KWGA Title Deep

There was just always something about that old brick and mortar facade in Coldbrook that would tingle my loins, kinda like the same feeling I would get climbing the rope in gym class back in middle school. With that being the inspiration and sometimes backdrop for this tournament, Saturday’s Legends Lounge Memorial was the 5th edition and one man stood above the rest on a brisk and chilly May morning at KenWo GC. Mr. October, most known for his late season pushes, has now become Mr. Spring after completing his 8th career victory with a three stroke victory over The Commissioner with a commanding 83 gross (64 Net). Maxwell-Smart rounded out the Top 3 with a 3 birdie performance and a 76 gross (69 Net) securing his best standing of 2018. For Mr. October, being the hunted for the first month of the KWGA season was an uncomfortable feeling, but Saturday’s breakthrough ended all of that in a heartbeat. “It was good to get out early in the first group before the gallery gathered around the first tee. That constant aimless banter on the practice green before I play irks me. Especially some of the things that are said.” said a relaxed Mr. October. “Those guys think their jokes are funny, the farting, the giggling. It’s ridiculous. The guys I played with today, I know all of their jokes, farts and stories before they can even get them out of their mouths etc, so they can’t upset my game.”

Teeing off #1 Mr. October was a 2-1 favorite to win, and his start didn’t dissuade any of those thoughts. Pars at #1, #2, #6 and #9 rounded out a front nine 42 that positioned him well. A birdie at #11 was the spring board and cushion he would need heading into The Valley, a section of the course that has historically given the dual Valley dweller fits. A par at #12 meant October stood at -12 for the tournament and only a repeat of last week would stand in his way. “I remembered last week very well.” said Mr. October. “I came apart at the seams on #16 and threw away a win. That wasn’t going to happen again. I just feel different this year. The stress of having to be a taxi cab company is gone. Now I can meander to the course on my own time. Read the newspaper on the toilet if I want to. You know, normal guy things. I just got in my happy place in The Valley and tried to avoid the big number.” His only double bogey of the day would come at the Par 4 18th hole, but with several strokes in hand, the breathing was easy heading up to the clubhouse for October. “We even had a special guest to talk to for an hour while waiting for the rest of the field to finish.” said October. “Service with a smile I say.”

“Another Runner-up finish. There is no justice.” ~The Commissioner

For the second week in a row, the poor Commissioner finished a tantalizing and frustrating runner-up, even after a blazing final 11 holes that saw him bag 4 birdies in front of D.O.G. Shooter MacKay who had ironically proclaimed on #10 tee that “He was coming after me on the Back Nine.” The scope of his unluckiness was further exacerbated by seeing three of those birdies be cut off for rang possibilities. “People can say what they want about me. Yes, maybe I am the Phil Hellmuth of golf, crybaby, whiner, whatever you wanna call me.” said a finger-wagging Commissioner. “These guys don’t live in my skin so they have no idea. The bad bounces, the sweating, the teasing, the constant emails from The Sheriff and The Rocket. Some of these guys win rangs with pars and have the nerve to shake their heads at me in disgust after I have a 4 birdie day. I had a 21 handicap cut me off twice. What a joke.” The only bright spot for The Commissioner Saturday turned out to be a miracle par save at #18 that cut off Shooter MacKay for a rang. “OK, so my 24 footer would have ended up in the pond if it hadn’t gone in. So what? The guy challenged me on the 10th tee and got what he deserved in the end. A high and hard one buddy!”

Rounding out the Top 3 this week was none other than the man who brought the cold North wind from his cold North Mountain abode, Mr. Maxwell-Smart, who came out of KWGA mothballs to blister the course for 3 birdies on a day that saw 19 total for the field. Birdies at #3, a chip in at #9 and finally a deuce at #11 spearheaded his attack back into relevance once again. Blame it on fall hunting, spring flings or whatever you want but the North Mountain Man has been seen in the Top 3 as frequently as that big hairy bastard Samsquanch has in British Columbia’s northern forests. “Bob carries on like golf anonymity doesn’t bother him, but I know better.” said a matter of fact Commissioner. “He takes his results very seriously, like when his dog gets scared and gets stuck under the veranda, you can see the pain in his face. Personally, I know what a lot of guys say when he isn’t around, but I personally was happy to see him in contention again today. Let’s hope he can keep it going the rest of the season.”

CHASE FOR THE PEARL NECKLACE UPDATE

Bouyed by his tournament win this week, Mr. October jumped into the lead in this season’s Chase for the Pearl Necklace. He picked up points for (a) winning a tournament (b) Scoring a 65 or better Net (c) beating Rene MacKay net (d) securing 4 KWGA tee times and (e) picking up a bonus point for taking the pink basket up to the bar following the round. The Commissioner also jumped ahead of Grampy with 3 points this week while Grampy himself holds firm in third place with 5 points. However, Grampy will not be competing at next Saturday’s Gigglers Invitational so the Windsor Spitfire will miss out on a BLUE TEE day that is good for 1 point for the season. Apparently, as part of his work release program, he must visit Ontario once a month and or spend at least $2,000 online or within in the province’s borders. “Have a great trip, again, buddy.”

DOGS AND GOLF…A PERFECT MARRIAGE?

“It’s OK, good boy. You were supposed to get my golf ball. At least this is a start.” ~Air Bud

A golf 9-1-1 has been officially issued for Air Bud, whose 2018 season has started out with a thud. The left-handed bombshell has been mired in an early season slump that some have begun to attribute to his prized two year old golden retriever at home. Expecting a bubbly, lively and rambunctious K9 pup, Air Bud was forced to delve deeper, and spend close to $5,500 on vet charges to diagnose that his dog is….lazy? His vet is so concerned that if you see a four legged bombshell tied to Bud’s pull cart during KWGA rounds, you will know the reason why. “I know it is against KenWo policy, but I have petitioned the Board to allow me to take my dog with me out on the course.” said Air Bud. “It’s important to train dogs to bark, be active and chase balls, bones or whatever else tickles his fancy.” We wish Bud good luck in teaching his dog how to be a dog.

CHESTER GOLF UPDATE- MAY 26

As of this writing, 11 golfers have signed up for our Chester romp in 2 weeks on May 26. We are looking at getting tee times between 10:15am-12pm. Nobody needs to be getting up at 6am to be on the road for 7am and rushing to get there! Some people have expressed interest in staying down in Chester for the shindig at The Shore Club to party with The Usual Suspects. Therefore, we are forced to move Burkie’s BBQ until later in the summer. I will update you once Wayne finds a suitable replacement date. The deadline to sign up for golf in Chester is this THURSDAY NIGHT MAY 17. I will be calling Dan Fraser in Chester on Friday morning May 19 to tell him how many tee times we need.

SOCIAL EVENTS UPDATE

The 2018 KWGA Social Calendar will soon be here so I wanted to update everyone as there has been some shuffling around since it was first posted. You can find all scheduled events updated, just put your mouse over the SOCIAL EVENTS tab and a drop down menu will appear. Any event that I have confirmed dates for have been provided.” The following is what I know for sure at this writing.

SATURDAY JUNE 2-TRAINOR WHEELS” BBQ (Wolfville)- Bob Trainor hosting following the Ryder Cup.

SATURDAY JULY 7- TUPPERWARE LAKE (Tupper Lake)- Mike and Mark hosting.

SATURDAY JULY 21- CHEESEBURGER PICNIC (Aylesford Lake)- Harold Fisher hosting.

NEWS, NOTES & QUOTES

*Weird fact of the Day– Captain Darrell Albano-Cook has played 2 KWGA rounds this season, but because of tee times being spread out or post round unavailability, I have not seen him. “I like to keep a close watch on people, especially rookies.” said a concerned Commissioner. “We aren’t going to shave him so he doesn’t need to hide or worry. We aren’t in High School anymore.”

The Sheriff’s first client reported a rousing success.

*KWGA Injury Report- The list is growing boys so lets start doing a few things to stave off injuries and increase stamina and longevity. Things like (a) Getting to the course a little earlier, stretching before you play for once…Jesus H. boys! (b) cutting back on the Friday night benders (c) ice those achy joints once in a while…or just drop in to Doug Irwin’s for a hot tub bath with him, his wife and 3 roomates. His new deck is finally complete! Yippeeeee! (d) Take 2 freaking ibuprofen an hour before you tee off! That ain’t rocket appliances! and finally (e) The Sheriff has opened his own wing at Shari Fleckenboner’s salon…your first three appointments are free.

*2018 RYDER CUP- Saturday June 2- The 4th Reich has accepted an invitation to be one of the Ryder Cup captains for this year. I am still waiting to hear back from another possible candidate and will post it once I have heard back. The 4th Reich used usual professional “coach speak” to downplay the pressure and importance of this coveted title. “Zuesrt, mochte ich, dass jeder weib , dass ich vorhabe, Gary Johnson Arsch zu treten, wenn das Huhn es akzeptiert.” Translation..He doesn’t think Gary will accept to be his opponent because he is scared.

*HAPPY MOTHER’S DAY!- A special thank-you to all KWGA moms out there who do all that they do in addition to letting your husbands out to play golf on Saturday mornings. I would never get to see some of these men without your consent. A special thanks to “Mrs. Chris” for all that she has done for me in the last 12 months!

*SEE YOU NEXT WEEK!

BARRYON MY WAYWARD WESTWARD SON

Bannister-Hennigar Outlasts Skoal-Force Winds!

As legendary Jim Lahey used to quip during some of his drinking binges, “Can you hear it coming Bubs? The Winds of Sh** are here buddy.” So it was Saturday morning at the Skoal Bandits Shootout as a 70 km/hour westward gale force wind attacked KenWo GC, turning golf dreams into golf vomit. For the first time in KWGA history, not one golfer finished under par net. However, one man, known for the widest stance on Tour, was able to withstand the hurricane swirl in winning his fifth career title. Retired marathoner Barry Bannister-Hennigar fired an 80 gross (71 Net) to outlast pre-tournament favorite Mr. October and a well grounded Commissioner by one stroke to capture the 2018 Skoal Bandits Shootout. “Golf results are a combination of hard work and a little bit of luck.” said a smiling Bannister-Hennigar. “I know my golf ball looked more like a butterfly in a blender a few times today but I was able to guide it around the course well enough it looks like. Just please don’t ask me to do that again. Breeze like that makes my hair look too thin after 4+ hours.”

Bannister-Hennigar’s outward nine was solid considering the circumstances and the amount of practice balls he had hit prior to the round, zero. Four pars in his first 6 holes meant his wheels were well entrenched and the mindset was clear. A birdie at the Par 3 11th vaulted him into contention on a day the KWGA saw just seven birdies total. Double bogeys at #13 and #18 threatened his chances and he clung to hope walking up to the clubhouse following the round. “I knew guys like the 4th Reich and Double Double were behind me so I had to hold on for dear life.” said Hennigar. “It’s a great win for me. I am headed to the coasts of Spain here very shortly and I am sure my game will slip a bit after some beach walking in that environment from what I have been told.”

“Rod should have no problem getting here today. It’s blowing west after all.” ~Maxwell-Smart

Pre-tournament favorite Mr. October also found himself in another hunt not associated with animals Saturday morning. The Fort Myers, FL resident has begun his season as predicted and was in contention once again. Not known for the highest ball flight, conditions leaned in favour of a man like October, and take advantage he did. His outward nine featured three pars and a 43 gross for a man lugging a 19 handicap around, and that is tough to beat. However, leading by three strokes he would begin his own personal Demolition Derby on the Par 4 16th, taking a 9, turning a three shot lead into a 1 stroke deficit. Bogeys at #17 and #18 would seal his fate on a disappointing day. “You know, it could be worse, I could be out working or fixing a blown down fence at home.” said a straight-faced October. “My world will not change because I lost a golf tournament today. My dogs and wife will still love me when I get home. Plus, it’s almost time to put the sea-dos in the water out in Aylesford. I will be back next week.”

By the 14th hole, Air Bud had finally had enough and took matters into his own hands.

Rounding out the Top 3 was The Commissioner, whose plan was to keep things simple by choking down, teeing it down and ripping the hell out of it. A birdie at #1 got things going but he would bogey six of the next seven holes to finish a front nine 40 gross. After going 4 over in The Orchard, calamity threatened the 6’5 non-marathoner. After having his ball picked up, a drop in some rocky terrain near the 15th tee provided a scary approach into the 14th green. “I was just praying I didn’t hit too much rock and send my ball into the woods behind the 14th green, let alone hit an unattentive Grampy roaming the green aimlessly in his Fonda hat.” said The Commissioner. A solid bogey at #16 and pars coming in on #17 and #18 put the burnt scalped Commissioner in for his 35th career Top 3. “There is no glory in finishing in the Top 3. It just means you came the closest to not winning any money. I am happy just the same. We had a great turn out with a great day and some great giggles upstairs after the round and that’s all I care about right now. So if you will excuse me, I have to get ready to drive to Yarmouth with Burkie. It’s the price I pay to get a ride to the course with him this morning.”

Chester Golf Club- Saturday May 26

I have contacted Chester GC Head Pro Dan Fraser and he is going to get back to me with a price quote on Monday May 7 regarding our open date for Saturday May 26. After asking all members that came up to the bar following yesterday’s round, it was very clear that guys preferred to play Chester GC as opposed to Avon Valley. I will post the quote on the Top Right Hand Side of the website once I have heard back from Dan. (Make sure you scroll down the website a bit so that you don’t miss it!)

CHASE FOR THE PEARL NECKLACE UPDATE

After three weeks of play, Grampy continues to lead the Chase for the Pearl Necklace with 5 points. He was unable to add to his point total yesterday and that meant some golfers made up some ground. The Commissioner picked up two points this week on the back of beating everyone in his group and collecting 4 tee times up to this point in the season. The Fogg did the same this week while Mr. October picked up a point and has another point coming if  he secures his 4th tee time of the season Tuesday morning. Bip Trainor continues to hold strong at 3 points and will no doubt be a factor all season long. So go ahead, check out your Task List on your Member Profile pages under MEMBERS-YOUR NAME. Tasks you have completed thus far this season will be highlighted in green. Full standings can be found under STANDINGS-PEARL NECKLACE.

TOP 5 GOLF LICKS OF 2018

“Hey Gary, how many Weight Watchers points is saliva anyway?”

Inspired by Brad Marchand’s recent display of affection, I give you the KWGA’s version of the Top 5 Golf Licks thus far in 2018.

*BOB TRAINOR’S BIRDIE IN A GALE: After going 10-6 at the Par 4 12th and Par 3 13th yesterday, BIP summoned his inner Rocky Balboa, rising from the canvas to birdie the Par 5 14th. As playing partner Chris Rushton quipped following the round, “It was like watching the birth of co-joined twins…not very likely.”

*THE COMMISSIONER’S 3 BIRDIES IN THE VALLEY: This writer went 4-3-5-4-3 over the final five holes to turn rotten apples into a sweet cider round at the Captain Crazy Invitational.

*BOB TRAINOR’S WIN AT THE FLOWER CART CLASSIC: Honestly, did anyone see THAT coming?

*DOUBLE DOUBLE THRICE IS NICE: Gerry Elliott turned back the clock in a 3 birdie performance at the Captain Crazy Invitational.

*GARY JOHNSON’S SILENCE: For the first time ever, Gary Johnson had nothing to say yesterday afternoon after being queried about Brad Marchand’s antics just the night before…Just what I expected…silence.

News, Notes & Quotes

The Commissioner is given his options by Grampy before leaving KenWo Saturday afternoon.

*”Do we really HAVE to go to Yarmouth Wayne? I only asked for a ride to the course, not for your 4th born!” ~The Commissioner    This week The Commissioner’s vehicle landed in the repair shop and so he was needing a drive to KenWo Saturday morning. This writer hesitated to ask Wayne because there always seems to be strings attached to any favour. So to no one’s surprise, upon exiting KenWo grounds Saturday afternoon, Wayne’s vehicle turned LEFT, and not RIGHT toward Wolfville, where this writer lives. Thanks again Wayne, I enjoyed the scenery.

*”THIS is how you get ready to play golf each Saturday Fogg? If you can’t beat ’em…join ’em.”~Grampy.

*Next week we celebrate 20+ years of memories at the Legends Lounge Memorial. The KWGA will welcome a special guest in Wolfville born and bred Tim Prescott as he returns from Indianapolis, Indiana for a visit. Tournament sign-up and volunteer boxes have been posted on the website. The deadline to sign up for golf is Monday night at 9pm.

*SEE YOU NEXT WEEK!

SCORE ONE FOR MYRTLE!

Grampy Tips the Bottle at The Captain

As renowned English poet and writer Robert Southey wrote in 1809, “Curses are like young chickens, they always come home to roost.” So it was Saturday afternoon at the Captain Crazy Invitational as our beloved Grampy’s 49 winter rounds in Myrtle Beach, SC cruelly came home to roost for the rest of the KWGA. The Windsor Spitfire rammed in bomb after bomb on the greens to snatch victory by one shot from tough as nails “Toucan” Carey. Rumour has it that the duo even joked about a day like this while playing together in Myrtle Beach back in February. “Contrary to popular belief, you CAN put a price on early season success on the KWGA Tour.” said a hurried Grampy. “Nick and I tallied up our costs for wintering down South and it came to just under $33,000 for the two of us, and that doesn’t include the Captain Morgan that was imbibed. Our wives can say what they want but it’s all worth it, winning a $16 rang and a couple of Top 3 finishes every now and again. That’s priceless.”

Heading into the round, the focus for Grampy was making sure he made it to the Windsor Arena on time for his 2pm face-off, so much so, that when it became apparent he may not make it on time, Grampy put the boots to one playing partner, The Sheriff, on the 13th hole, trimming the group to 3 golfers in a heartbeat. “The guy was all over the place and telling jokes I wouldn’t tell to a prison guard.” said a disgusted Grampy. “He had to go for the good of everyone. Sneezing, clattering change in his pockets, he tried it all to rattle me today but it just didn’t work in the end. Greasy.” A pedestrian 39 gross on the outward nine was followed by a stretch of fantastic golf for Grampy starting at #10. Four straight pars followed by a birdie at #14 (that cut off The Commissioner), a par at #15, #17 and finally a 39 footer for par at #18 that snatched victory from the Costa Rican Nightmare “Toucan” Carey. The callous nature of the putt was punctuated by a Brad Marchand/Rene Rancourt arm roll and fist pump that had onlookers on hole #17 rolling their eyes in disdain. “If you can’t beat ’em, join ’em and act like ’em.” said a beaming Grampy from the foul smelling locker room of the Windsor Arena. “I had a tough week with the Leafs losing and all my bets. Today was redemption. Last week I was lucky, winning an $80 rang, this week I was just good.”

Also making noise this week was a blast from the recent past, Double-Double, whose grand opening week on the Timmy’s scene was punctuated with a 3 birdie day and $32 in rang winnings to help pay off a certain franchise fee. Birdies at #3, #8 and #13 highlighted a TimBit Day en route to his first Top 3 of the season and 26th of his career. “The old glint in the eye and grit of the lower molars was back.” said an impressed Commissioner. “The last time I saw that was in the 2014 FEDEX Finals. I think seeing the 15-1 odds pre-round gave him a kick in the arse. He could have been 4 shots better as well. He had some shortish putts that didn’t find the bottom but that will come I’m sure.” Darts at #3 and #8 belied the swirling gale winds that approached 60 km/hour on the outward nine serving notice that the sidespin is starting to leave his golf ball. “Just a fun day out there.” said a pleased Double Double. “We had food, drinks and told bedtime stories out there. Not many know that I wanted to crack my wife back, in the arm, after the Bruins came back and won Wednesday night.”

Other highlights from Saturday included a KWGA first…a “First to Worst” in one week as Bip couldn’t recapture the magic of just one week ago when he won the Flower Cart Classic. He found the right woods 30 feet right of #2 tee, a pant and chemise mud splattering iron from the creek on #4 and the grassy knoll just right of #10 green…off #11 tee. “Needless to say it was a difficult and different day.” said a humbled yet smiling Bip. “Golf is an elusive game for me. Every obstacle I missed last week…I found this week. They make good soup in the kitchen at least.” The Commissioner’s day was a tale of two nines. After a wild and scary 44 outward nine, he caught fire in The Valley with 3 birdies and a 34 gross total. Finally, not known for his golf attire, The Hunchback dug out the chapeau deluxe circa Old Tom Morris in claiming 2 birdies and a 4th place finish when all seemed to be lost coming into the event. Great job Kevin!

UPDATE:

CHASE FOR THE PEARL NECKLACE

Just two weeks into The Chase and Grampy has served notice that loads are his specialty as he has already captured 5 pearl points. He garnered points this week for (a) winning a tournament (b) lowest net total within his group (c) scoring a 35 gross on the Back 9 (d) 14+ pars or better in a round and (e) having a lower net score than KenWo celebrity Rene MacKay. Bip remained at 3 points this week while Double Double gobbled up 3 ropes with his highlight filled round yesterday. The Commissioner, The Hunchback and “Toucan” Carey also unloaded for 2 pearl points this week. You can see the complete standings at STANDINGS-PEARL NECKLACE. 

NEWS, NOTES & QUOTES

The 4th Reich from the shed of his In-laws property in Ontario.

*After a week off to pilgrimage to Ontario, The 4th Reich will make his return to Tour at next week’s Skoal Bandits Shootout. “The 4th Reich called me at 5pm Saturday and I could hear a sadness in his voice. Asking a million questions about the Captain Crazy Invitational and wanting to know what he missed. He loves his in-laws and all…but I think he loves The Tour more.”

*Good to see Air Bud make an appearance and send us off #1 tee Saturday morning. Rain threatened the event but alas, not a drop fell during the round. Apparently Air Bud needed the extra time to train his pooch for an upcoming dog show. “I set up a trapeze and hurdles course in my new backyard for him.” said a beaming Air Bud. “I can’t help it, every time I pick up my 7 iron to practice, he looks at me sidways with the saddest eyes…and I give in every time.”

*The long hours driving to Northern New Brunswick and Yarmouth for hockey games look to have taken their toll on Mr. Wildcat early in the 2018 season. Asked about it following Saturday’s round, Wildcat could only muster a few words. “Maybe I will get in the FEDEX playoffs as an alternate again.”

*The general consensus regarding the new “gimmie” policy looks to be all positive. Good idea Grampy. Lets stay with it fellas.

*Two more social events look to make a return in 2018, Tupperware Lake (July) and Gerry’s Old Towne Tavern (August). I will post the dates on the website once dates have been locked in.

*Sign-up and volunteers boxes have been posted on the website. The deadline to sign-up is Monday night @9pm.

*See you next week! ~The Commissioner

“TRAINOR” WHEELS A LA CART!

BIP HANGS ON FOR FIRST CAREER WIN…IN ANYTHING

Somebody once tried to convince me that the world was flat…and Saturday someone could have tried to convince me that a golfer could finish 8-11-5 and win a golf tournament and I would have told them both to jump off a cliff. However, that’s exactly what happened Saturday at the KWGA’s opening event as Wolfville’s own “BIPPY T” managed to hang on to the last of the shrapnel to capture his first KWGA title and the Flower Cart Classic with a Net 65. It was good for a two stroke victory over Mr. October and Myrtle Beach’s Grampy on a surprisingly sunny and semi-warm day. “I know what you are all thinking.” said a relieved BIP. “What went on out there today was akin to watching an eight billed platypus caught on camera for the first time. Strange yet entertaining. My golf game is a lot like my blocking during my Acadia football days, all grit and not much technique, but who cares right? I got the job done.”

The highlight reel started early for BIP as his 7 iron tracked thinly yet gracefully directly at the flag stick at #2, finally settling a foot from the hole. The birdie would give him the largest lead in KWGA history, 11 strokes after just two holes. The outward nine would be completed in 41 gross strokes and all that was left to see was if BIP could avoid calamity. “I tallied the scores after the front nine and realized I was in a bit of a pickle.” said The Commissioner. “BIP and I both had 41 on the front, that meant I was 22 strokes off the lead with 9 holes left. At that point I was just watching greatness at work.” The inward nine would start with a clang for BIP with a double bogey 6…and then IT started to happen in earnest. “I started to feel a cramp in my left buttock, a sharp pain in my right knee and both plates of meat were barking like two week old donair sauce.” said BIP. “I would have been totally lost at sea on the Back 9 if it weren’t for my double stuffed tube of Penetrex creams and lotions. I slathered that on liberally and although it made me look like a greased bovine, it was an emergency situation.” said BIP.

The 16th hole saw BIP begin to aid Rick Phelan and his crew with branch removal as time and again his Titleist would shatter twig and branch, mercifully ending in a quadruple bogey 8. The 17th would rival and tie Grampy’s now infamous 11 at St. Andrews Road Hole. Right and left, up and down the embankments he would lolly on a hole that would in the end take 27 minutes to play. With failed resignation on his face, BIP would head to the 18th figuring, along with his playing partners, that he had blown it. However, BIP would dig deep, managing his way around the treacherous pond guarding the 18th green for a solid bogey 5, and all that was left was the 70 yard uphill trudge to the clubhouse to see where he finally stood. “I am no math major, I just knew this was my 13th career tournament and I am a superstitious person.” said BIP. “I figured October, Grampy or some other sniper would have me beat. It was a great relief to find out I held on. Maybe next time I can do a bit better than 24 strokes on the final 3 holes. At least I did better than Biggest Johnson’s record 13 strokes on one hole. THAT`s a record that he solely deserves.”

OFF PROBATION!

“I just hope to avoid becoming a Recidivist Statistic” -Air Bud

“I did it Snuggle Buns! I did it!

Another quiet competition of sorts was also happening on the course Saturday morning. After being fined and put on scorecard probation 2 seasons ago for multiple scorecard violations, Air Bud kept a clean card at the Flower Cart Classic. After further investigation it was learned that he had taken home a stack of scorecards from KenWo’s front desk to practice over the long Nova Scotia winter. He kept all his numbers within the allotted squares, they were neat and clean, he tallied up the correct gross and net scores and even signed it with his pooches paw print for style. “Air Bud has taken a lot of heat over the last few seasons.” said The Commissioner. “For such a nice guy he really has a penchant for destruction. From ram-rodding propellers to doing bad golf math, the guy truly does have the capacity to re-sink the Titanic. GREAT JOB SATURDAY BUD!

NOTE: Air Bud’s still hasn’t passed the “birdie circle” test as no one in his group had a birdie on Saturday!

WHAT? NO RUNNING WATER?

In a scene reminiscent of Friday the 13th early Saturday morning, your Commissioner was leaning on a “KenWo constant”. You know the one, the 7th tee washroom. The building reminds me of those highway rest stops along America’s road system that I used to travel so much. Although KenWo’s rest stop doesn’t have a Burger King attached, it still serves as mental refuge of sorts, a safety net when things get dicey with digestion. So it was early Saturday morning as I quickened my pace to complete the 6th hole, a hole that was aided by a “drained” 12 footer for bogey. I bounded up the hill, placed my hand on the door handle, only to be rebuffed by its closure like pretty Mary did at my first middle school dance. The result you ask? Almost the same as that middle school dance…a full diaper and going 4 over par on the next 2 holes!

I don’t write this to make any of your sick to your stomach. To the contrary, I do this to help. THE BATHROOMS ARE NOT UP AND RUNNING YET…SO IF YOU EVEN THINK YOU MAY HAVE TO GO WHILST PUTTING AND CHIPPING BEFORE YOUR ROUND…..GO!

News, Notes & Quotes

*”Honest, I hurt it just standing up at a Home Show.” -The Sheriff   Word out of Kentville is that former cop Sheriff Low Blow has injured his shoulder…by standing under a cold air vent at a show at Centennial Arena. Word also has it that he is booked the next two Saturdays for more Home Shows, so the time off golf…and warmer air should have him ready for Legends Lounge Memorial on May 12. Hurry back John Boy, I have something for you that will  change your life!

*Saturday saw the KWGA’s most expensive rang in its 5 year history…and who would have guessed it would be Grampy? That’s right, on a day that saw 7 birdies, 6 were cut off, leaving only Grampy’s lone birdie at the Par 3 11th hole…a rang worth $80. Great job buddy…proving that being lucky is most times better than being good on Saturday mornings!

*”Boys, we need a few extra tee time volunteers this week and moving forward. Having extra lets me digest my food properly…and in the end have a lot less flatulence on the golf course”. ~The Commissioner

*BIP’s fine round Saturday saw him take the early lead in the “Chase for the Pearl Necklace” with 3 points. You can check your progress weekly on your Profile page under MEMBERS-YOUR NAME. You can also see the Standings under STANDINGS-PEARL NECKLACE.

*See you next Saturday at the Captain Crazy Invitational!

The 2018 season is upon us and that means it’s time to peer into the future. Making predictions in the KWGA is akin to managing a herd of wildebeest crossing the Serengeti River, but here goes anyway.

PLAYOFF FAVOURITES

WAYNE “GRAMPY” BURKE (2-1)

PREDICTION (Qualify Top 8): Nobody has played more golf this winter than Grampy. His Myrtle Beach exploits included 50+ rounds in America’s golf playground with the likes of Carey, Newcombe and brides Fraser/Newcombe. He has even had time to scour the Flea Market scene for second hand Titleists this winter in lieu of searching the swamps and forests where diamondbacks lurk. The man plays too much on Tour not to qualify for the playoffs and will be motivated after an early elimination from last season’s playoffs.

KEVIN “MR. WILDCAT” POIRIER (5-2)

PREDICTION (Qualify Top 8-Playoffs): It’s hard to bet against a man who has made the last 3 FEDEX Cup Finals. No KWGA pro has been more battled tested than Wildcat. The man shows up to play each and every Saturday which makes him hard to leapfrog in the standings. The winter has seen a lot of miles traveling Atlantic Canada and just how many trips to Yarmouth this spring and summer will no doubt play a role in his success this season. The BIG question will be, Can he deliver on Jackie Redmond and or the Red Bull Cheerleader Squad?

DEREK “COMMISSIONER” THOMSON (3-1)

PREDICTION: (Qualify Top 8-Playoffs): Coming off last season’s championship victory will be hard to repeat. No golfer has repeated as champion since its inception in 2014. The weight of the world and expectation will no doubt be heaped on his gorgeous frame. Nobody will be crying a tear when one of his drives or irons goes awry that’s for sure. Like most others, The Commissioner has swung the club once in the last 6 months so getting off to half-decent start when all faculties are not at full power will be key.

HAROLD “MR. OCTOBER” FISHER (4-1)

PREDICTION (Qualify Top 8- Playoffs): Another man who enters each and every Saturday. It may not be pretty but getting around the golf course without the aid of his caddy/Golden Retreivers is a skill. Having a winter home on Florida’s Gulf Coast also means “spring ready”. The early season is when the Aylesford Assassin has historically gobbled up points like his dogs slurp Nanaimo Bars at a Cheeseburger Picnic. He will be hard pressed to match last season’s 262 points, but qualifying for the playoffs will be within reach.

ROD “WHERE’S WALDO” MURRAY (5-1)

PREDICTION (Qualify Top 8- Playoffs): After sitting almost all of the FEDEX Cup season in 2017, Murray returns with renewed vigour in 2018 and has all the tools one needs to make the playoffs…a disciplinarian coach…and lots of free time. There is no questioning his desire but with a golf attention span just north of a fruit fly, it is hard to predict just what Waldo will do. Maintaining consistent results week after week will be his biggest challenge, not to mention finding his way home after each Saturday round. Look for Waldo to rise to the challenge in 2018.

KEVIN “HUNCHBACK” NEWCOMBE (6-1)

PREDICTION: (Qualify Top 8- Playoffs): The only thing that stands in the way of The Hunchback is himself…and his newfound softball career. He came up empty in 12 FEDEX events last season but qualified for the playoffs as 1st alternate, only to leave his Semi-Final match early to play infield for the Falmouth Foul Mouths in a Slob Ball tournament. However, history has shown us that the man can win and if he gets in his handicap “sweet” spot for a few weeks, wins and Top 3’s can come aplenty.

GERRY “DOUBLE DOUBLE” ELLIOTT (7-1)

PREDICTION (Qualify Top 8- Playoffs): Last season saw the re-birth of the KWGA’s most decorated golfer. Double Double won once and finished Top 3 five times during the 2017 FEDEX Cup season making him once again a favourite on Tour in 2018. His biggest problems are that he has given out so many house secrets to his competition and keeping his fridge and bar filled during indoor practice sessions for others. Look for a fast start this season after clearing his mind during his eighteen southern trips this winter.

SCOTT “AIR BUD” WOODWORTH (8-1)

PREDICTION (Qualify Top 8- Playoffs): Nobody smelled the whiff of close defeat quite like Air Bud in 2017. He finished 2nd in two majors last season and  garnered 158.5 points in just 10 FEDEX Cup events. If he plays 12+ times then the sky is the limit for this man who played homeless last season. Now that his home seems to have finally been completed, he can put his tent in storage and play with peace of mind finally. He has been a FEDEX Cup point machine, so don’t bet against him in 2018.

CLOSE…BUT NO CIGAR

MARK “THE SHARK” GAVIN (9-1)

PREDICTION (1st Alternate- Maybe Playoffs): The Shark found his game last season, ringing off 4 straight Top 3 finishes to begin the season. He qualified second with 242.5 points only to see his playoffs come to a quick and startling end in the first round. He will be hard-pressed to match last season’s totals, and with a certain German back in the fold stealing valuable points…and summer hockey practice, The Shark could be riding the fine line to qualify. What we know for sure, The Shark will be the favourite to win best dressed on Tour for the 4th consecutive year.

DOUG “4TH REICH” IRWIN (10-1)

PREDICTION (10th- Miss Playoffs): For the first time ever, it looks like the German Bulldog will be with us for an entire FEDEX Cup season. The 4th Reich’s perilous status is the only thing keeping him out of the Top 8 but he qualified 7th in 2014 without playing a full schedule, so the jury is out. Make no mistake, after being fired from his hockey job just days after an ignominious visit to Deutschland by a certain Grampy, he will be motivated to take down a few scalps in 2018…and we know who Scalp #1 will be. Go get him Doug!

CHRIS “INSPECTOR GADGET” RUSHTON (11-1)

PREDICTION (11th-Miss Playoffs): I saw the pictures from Orlando, you know the ones, with Tiger Woods swinging  and Jason Day posing with your family at the PGA Tour event last month. It’s going to take a Herculean effort to match last season’s 6th place finish and 176.0 points. The competition has grown thicker and the Gadgets world still tilts to the right after speaking with his swing coach at Wolfville School all winter. If there is another 3 week trip to Ontario in the middle of the summer, turn out the lights.

BOB MAXWELL-SMART (12-1)

PREDICTION (12th- Miss Playoffs): The “Smart” man played in just 9 FEDEX Cup events in 2017  without a win in a blase’ season that has many wondering if his clubs were up for sale on Kijiji this winter. Curiously, he has failed to reach the playoffs since 2014 in a season before our Net scoring system. Making things even more difficult is his fall hunting regimen that has many wondering just what he hunts up in those North Mountain woods. The talent is there but like Yogi Berra once famously quipped, “Baseball (Golf) is 90% mental…the other half is physical.” However, look for a bounce back season from Maxwell-Smart.

DARRELL “THE COOKSTER” COOK (13-1)

PREDICTION (13th- Miss Playoffs): Like any good horror movie, it’s the unknown that scares us more than anything. Such is the case with the KWGA’s 2018  lone rookie. How much will he play? How well will he adjust to playing with quirky men like Grampy and The Sheriff week after week on Tour? Those two questions alone keep him out of the Top 8 but what we do know for sure is that Saturday mornings just got a lot louder. He will be hard-pressed to match the KWGA rookie record for FEDEX Cup standing held by Air Bud (5th in 2015) but stranger things have happened…like winning $450 in one Men’s Night.

ARNIE TELLY-KELLEY (14-1)

PREDICTION (14th- Miss Playoffs): The Big Gun struggled mightily with the chill of the early season in 2017 and never recovered, even after a furious finish that saw him win the FEDEX Cup season-ending Canadian Open. If he can get some results when the air is cold in April and May, look out. If not, he will again have to push the boulder up the hill all summer. The upside is that nobody cares more and no one can match his singular focus in the heat of battle, traits that his NY Rangers and the Montreal Canadiens lacked in 2018.

WILL NEED HELP…OR SURGERY

MIKE “FOGG” WHITE (15-1)

PREDICTION (15th- Miss Playoffs): “If you build it, they will come.” So it goes for the KWGA’s Fogg, a man who will sign up to play in any weather, try and predict it…and always see a window to tee off even on the Doppler Radar’s worst day. Last season was a disaster for Fogg who didn’t crack the Top 3 until the Bryson Intercontinental Season. However, a renewed sense of self, some winter practice with a former pro and a positive outlook even in the darkest circumstances, Fogg will be trying to recapture the form that saw him win twice on Tour in 2015 and 2016.

GARY “BIGGEST” JOHNSON (16-1)

PREDICTION (16th- Miss Playoffs): OK, so some of this is because I hate his beloved Bruins. Biggest Johnson stormed out of the gates in 2017 with two wins before the calendar hit July. It was a remarkable season that saw Hants County finally represented positively on the sports scene since Eddie Feigner stopped in Hantsport in 1979 to show off his softball pitching prowess. Finding a way to recapture 2017’s success is a large mountain to climb once again…just like beating the Leafs in the playoffs will be.

BARRY BANNISTER-HENNIGAR (17-1)

PREDICTION (17th- Miss Playoffs): If this man played a full schedule the rest of us would simply be visiting his world. Bannister won twice and finished in the Top 3 four times in just 8 FEDEX Cup events in 2017. That level of play is hard to sustain and puts a lot of pressure on his early events. Couple that with his annual 18 week pilgrimage to Toronto every summer, finding success will again be against the odds. What’s going for him in 2018? The chance to get out of the house. PS…I look better with clothes on too buddy, so don’t let your wife bring you down.

SNOWBALL’S CHANCE IN…

BOB “BIP” TRAINOR (18-1)

PREDICTION (18th- Miss Playoffs): After three summers of simply dipping his feet in the KWGA water, BIP will be looking to play a larger schedule and make major strides this season now that he will be settled in Wolfville for most of the summer. His handicap and more starts will mean plenty of cushion for success each and every Saturday. No golfer slathers more sunscreen on their legs than The Bipster which will serve him well once the warmer months hit. There is room for him to even crack the Top 12 this season..if he can keep his grips tacky.

JOHNNY “DENIM COWBOY” KENNY (19-1)

PREDICTION (19th- Miss Playoffs): The Cowboy enters 2018 newly retired with a less than full cupboard of KWGA hardware in his first 2 seasons on Tour. He failed to crack the Top 3 during the FEDEX Cup season in 2017 which is surprising since bionic hips are supposed to perform better once they get heated up. Will he have the desire to grind at that metal for 4 months on Tour? Or will all those years of ball hockey on concrete in the Berwick Arena prevent him from KWGA success in 2018? After all, he doesn’t exactly hit it like a Marshall Davidson slapper anymore.

NICK WASZCZYK-CAREY (20-1)

PREDICTION (20th- Miss Playoffs)- If more golfers were equipped with this man’s golf mentality, there would certainly be fewer golfer emotional breakdowns across this great country. Waszczyk-Carey hunts, fishes and gallivants around North America more than Grizzly Adams in his heyday, all the while sniping a skin and win on Tour when you least expect  it. However, the FEDEX Cup is marathon and not a sprint. On the upside, he can always train dogs if the golf thing doesn’t work out. How do I know? I watched him carry on a conversation with Gerry’s dog for 38 minutes last summer…a new Canadian record.

BRENT “WEASIE” LOCKE (21-1)

PREDICTION (21st- Miss Playoffs): Like the movie “Awakenings” starring Robin Williams and Robert De Niro from 1990, Weasie came out of a coma to win his second consecutive Masters in 2017. That win could only spearhead him to a 20th place finish in the FEDEX Cup standings, so either Weasie plays more, or he watches the playoffs from afar, like the Habs this spring. If he plays more than the 5 times like he did last season, move him up this list. If he doesn’t, like the movie Awakenings, the potion will stop working…and back to the golfing coma…all the while with a smile on his face.

FAMILY SHMAMILY…

NICK “CAPTAIN SHITACULAR” LEVY (22-1)

PREDICTION (22nd- Miss Playoffs): They don’t make them like The Captain anymore. Steely, humble and quietly intense. The Captain has won a major and more rangs per round than anyone in the KWGA. No one questions his power and ability to shoot low scores when you count him out. However, it’s the litter of hyperactivity that stands in the way of FEDEX Cup success. What he HAS done over his career is steal big points from golfers teetering on the edge of playoff qualification. So look for more of the same in 2018. PS…Nick is looking for a new best friend. Apply within.

RENE “SHOOTER” MacKAY (23-1)

PREDICTION (23rd- Miss Playoffs): The days of showing up, playing 4 times, and finishing Top 15 in the FEDEX Cup standings seem to be over for this fellow Antigonish product. He once bragged that he would win it all if he didn’t have such an important job but that was before Net scoring on Tour. He missed all of 2017 and the hope is he can find it in his panties to get out a few Saturday’s in 2018. Pink, baby blue, paisley or fuchsia, it makes no difference to me. That being said, everyone will fear him whenever he steps on #1 tee.

JEFF “THIRD” LEGGE (24-1)

PREDICTION (24th- Miss Playoffs): Not much has changed in Leggers life in the last 12 months, just a move to Metro, part-time membership status, loss of membership to the Berwick Legion…and oh ya, he got engaged. If that isn’t a formula for golfing disaster, there is no such thing. I have missed and will miss those loud moments around the campfire, espousing the virtues of internet dating and the Legion, the days when I had someone around my age in the league, but now it’s all gone…along with his chances of ever making the FEDEX Cup playoffs…Now I know what Nick Levy feels like…dumped.

TOM “FONDA” THOMSON (25-1)

PREDICTION (25th- Miss Playoffs): Last season, Fonda spent $3300 on all new irons, clubs, shoes and socks on a whim and in a single day preparing for the KWGA season. I am not sure what got his hopes up because everyone knew he would be torn away from us before one could shake a stick at a frothing Doberman Pincer. He did snipe a Top 3 at the Avon Lea Open so the ability is there. What isn’t there is the time needed to devote to golf. If he was half as good at golf as he is at guitar and singing, he would be playoff bound. But instead, all I ever hear ringing in my head when I think of his chances is a famous line from the former Indianapolis Colts Coach Jim Mora…”Playoffs? Playoffs? We can’t even make a first down!” Love ya bro.

PETE “HYUNDAI” SIMMONS (26-1)

PREDICTION (26th- Miss Playoffs): The man has won twice on Tour in limited starts in his career. If he didn’t like weekend boating on the South Shore so much he would possibly turn the KWGA upside down. But Elvis didn’t exactly fit into his “Onesy” at the end of his career either, so we can never be sure of anyone’s “ball room”. When he does show up, it’s never empty handed for a man that really doesn’t have to do anything for us. I view him as a shepherd of kindness and care…like Dr. Kavorkian….a shepherd dressed in black…with the golf Kool Aid to match.

WHEN DOGS FLY

“SHERIFF” JOHN AMIRAULT (100-1)

PREDICTION (27th- Miss Playoffs): Nothing is ever expected of Sheriff John, nothing. It’s a hallmark that has helped him skate through a few grades in school and on the bawdy dockyards of Yarmouth. How he managed to snag a wife so pretty is still a mystery. The Sheriff’s 2017 season was a boat that missed the dock, crashing unabashedly in the waves of shite as he failed to record a Top 3 during the FEDEX Cup season…but still managed to have a good time just the same. He is hopeful that he can rebound to his 2015 form when he finished a staggering 2nd in the standings. Personally, I don’t see that happening this season, next season or the season after that. How do I know? Because I have something you will never have John Boy….my Grade 10 buddy…my Grade 10.

Fellas…

The time has come to start getting ready for the 2018 KWGA Season. I need to know the following…

1.) KWGA Renewal- There is a poll on the TOP RIGHT HAND SIDE of the website. Please click on YES or NO followed by CONFIRM so that I know your status for 2018. If you have forgotten your LOG IN information, just contact me, I will be happy to help. The deadline is March 31, 2018.

2.) Social Events- Will you be hosting a social event in 2018? If so, send me the date that works best for you. You can check the KWGA Schedule on the website for possible dates once I get the KWGA schedule finalized. TOUR SCHEDULE-2018 TOURNAMENTS on website.

I would encourage you to browse the site when you get some free time. I have made some additions and updates.

*NEW “The Chase for the Pearl Necklace.”- I would like to debut a new game in 2018. Look for details on the website under TOUR SCHEDULE-PEARL NECKLACE. This game is intended to replace the old season long Ringer Board game.

*Player Profile Pages- I have updated your Player Profile pages with all of your career results/stats in every KWGA tournament you have ever played dating back to 2014. You will also find your personal “Chase for the Pearl Necklace” Tasks Lists here once the KWGA season has begun. Your tasks list will be updated throughout the season. Go to MEMBERS-YOUR NAME on website.

If you should have any questions about anything, just call me @ 902-599-2282

FIRED UP!

FEDEX CUP SEMI-FINALS

DEUTSCHE BANK CHAMPIONSHIP

The air was thick with play-off anticipation Saturday morning along with a brisk, chilly wind and drizzle that angrily greeted the combatants at venerable KenWo GC for the Semi-Finals of the FEDEX Cup. After advancing from last week’s quarter-finals, the quartet of The Commissioner, Mr. Wildcat, Grampy and The Hunchback looked to punch their ticket to the finals. The group included two former FEDEX Champions (Poirier, Burke), one runner-up (Thomson) in the KWGA’s inaugural season of 2014 and a 2017 Slob Ball League Gold Glover. You can’t make this stuff up.

Take THAT fellas. What a par! ~Mr. Wildcat

Defending champion Mr. Wildcat’s day began with a trip down double bogey lane after an errant drive and second shot that rattled off the trees 100 yards away from the green. The steam started to rise from the Bedford dwellers temple and many patrons looked for safer pastures just 10 minutes into the round. However, he would recover and fire a rock solid 39 gross Front 9 that included a Hale Irwin-esque romp around the 7^th green after nailing a 19 foot downhill putt for par. “Definitely a turning point for me emotionally today. I drove it under a bush and had to take relief.” said a smiling Wildcat. “I was either going to make 4…or 6…so getting a 4 there gave me the cushion I needed heading into the Back 9. I also wanted my opponents to see that I could still move around and play some second base if called upon.”

KenWo’s Senior Men’s Champion headed into his day with high expectations but not much in the tank after 29 straight days of golf. However, a head-scratching triple bogey at the 4^th hole led to a 42 gross Front 9 and a furrowed brow under that Jennifer Tilly-Titty hat. Nothing seemed to go right for the Windsor Spitfire no matter how hard he didn’t try. “It was a Grampy I was not used to seeing.” said a confused Commissioner. “I was busy fishing my ball out of the creek on the 4^th so I didn’t really have time to count all of his strokes there. I just knew that no matter how far down he was, there would be some kind of pushback at some point in the round. That’s how they grow them in Windsor. Plus I knew he was looking for some money to help him pay for a wedding. The $450 he won on Men’s Night this week wasn’t enough obviously.”

For the Commissioner, a week of good play leading into the event meant a good frame of mind heading into the semi-finals, however putting woes would plague him on the Front 9 as several chances for birdie early were squandered and a missed 2 footer on #7 led to a bland 40 gross Front 9 that would put him 2^nd place heading into the Back 9. “I struck the ball OK but always left myself 4 feet for par all morning.” said a relieved Commissioner. “Playing with those 3 guys is like being sent into a mine field in Iraq with a blindfold on. Eventually you are going to become golf splatter…”

Softball or Bust! ~Hunchback

One source of drama heading into the morning surrounded The Hunchback, whose blossoming softball career has put golf on notice, and with a World Championship softball qualifier scheduled for 1pm Saturday, would The Hunchback be able to fit it all in? The answer would come early as the Falmouth fire-baller hit a snag at the Par 3 5^th with a double-bogey. Another at #7 meant softballers in Falmouth would have their man for the first game of a doubleheader. He would recover nicely with a 6 hole stretch from holes #8-13 at even par gross, but the car trunk was slammed and the softball leotards would replace the golf knickers. “Golf tries me at times.” said a gracious Hunchback. “I know I am better at this game than my body language gives off…but when I watch my buddy Burkie make birdie from the woods at #10, I know it’s time to switch my focus to beer in a dugout and homeruns off of 60 year old pitchers.”

Leaderboard- Thru 9 Holes

Mr. Wildcat -6

Commissioner -1

Grampy +1

Hunchback E

In what can only be termed Golf Armageddon, the KWGA’s Miracle Man Grampy did what all men should do when they are down and out…fire at flagsticks. After a pop-up fade off of #10 tee that left him 239 yards to the pin from the deep woods, his 3 wood blast through the timber nearly found the bottom of the hole. A 17 foot birdie putt then found the bottom, his first of four warning blasts to his playing competitors that would begin the inward nine. A 21 footer up the hill for birdie on #11 also found the cup’s bottom. Another 15 footer on #12 rattled to the bottom…and then it got ridiculous. Grampy then poured in a 37 foot curler from the right of #13 green that gracefully “dinked” in for his fourth straight birdie to start the Back 9, vaulting him into the lead, making up 7 strokes in just four holes. “What can you say. He got on a run that had the Commissioner and I shaking our heads and pooping our pants at the same time.” said a dumbfounded Mr. Wildcat. “To watch somebody play that well at the amateur level is akin to seeing yourself star in your first adult film…awe-inspiring and gross at the same time.”

Leaderboard- Thru 13 Holes

Grampy -3

Mr. Wildcat -2

Commissioner -1

Hunchback W/D

Grampy’s run of birdies would come to an end at the 14^th after his drive found the woods to the right, however, his self-righteous par felt just like a birdie to the rest of the field. Mr. Wildcat would then send his own message at #15 with a 5 iron to 4 feet and subsequent birdie that had KWGA fans racing to the 16^th tee like kids trying to get into their first High School dance. “Majestic iron there. KK was on the bogey train and sinking fast and then comes up with that shot when he needed it most.” said an exasperated Commissioner. “It was just so hard to make up any ground when they were knocking it stiff all Back 9.Then I miss a 2 footer for par on #15. I thought that may cost me. I was just trying to hang in there and avoid all of the shrapnel. Tip of the hat there.”

Wayne, you continue to amaze me.

The 16^th would be a turning point as Grampy’s approach to #16 went awry and a flubbed chip led to a double bogey that opened the door for The Commissioner. The Commissioner and Mr. Wildcat would bogey the hole on a day that saw zero pars from the 16 man KWGA field. “That hole was playing like a beast today. Just no room for error with a cold wind in your face.” said Grampy. “I needed to get that chip up on to the green and get out of Dodge with a bogey there. Disappointing but there were still two holes to play and I know I still haven’t used my “Burkie” for the day..”

The trio headed to the 17th tee knowing that something spooky would probably happen…and that’s just what the people got.

Leaderboard- Thru 16 Holes

Mr. Wildcat -1

Grampy E

Commissioner +1

Hunchback W/D

The Commissioner would find lightning in a bottle at #17 with a drive that left him 187 yards to the flag and a green light opportunity. With a constant breeze at his back, a 7 iron nestled pin high left of the green and a chip to 18 inches meant birdie for the only KWGA’er still able to break a sweat in 9 degree weather. Mr. Wildcat would par the hole while Grampy found trouble after an errant drive that left him in the woods to the right between some nasty roots. “He did well there to make bogey. He had nothing but a pitch out of the woods. He just kept fighting with a smile and kept himself right in it to the end.” said The Commissioner. “Jan certainly is getting a Tiger for a husband in so many ways.”

Leaderboard- Thru 17 Holes

Mr. Wildcat -1

Commissioner E

Grampy +1

Hunchback W/D

With everything on the line, safety was the key at #18. However, Grampy’s drive was short, leaving him a 5 wood to the green and a difficult angled shot. Mr. Wildcat found the right rough but seemed free and clear to the green while The Commissioner found the right rough with 144 yards of real estate yet to travel. Then back to back “Burkie’s” would send chuckles and giggles throughout the threesome. Grampy’s approach veered angrily right, well into the woods 80 yards right of the green…and careen gently back to the middle of the fairway. Mr. Wildcat would follow suit, drilling the huge coniferous hardwood yet deflecting left back into the fairway. “I thought I would be able to cruise in with a bogey for sure after those two went wild but sometimes the bounces make things interesting.” said a bemused Commissioner. “It was fun to have to hit a shot under pressure. I pulled it a bit but she came off the bank nicely and onto the green. A sigh of relief there.”

Mr. Wildcat would filet a gorgeous wedge to 9 feet securing a bogey that would put him in the finals. All that was to be decided was if the Commissioner could 3 putt from 33 feet. “Just a great fun day of pure golf out there today.” said The Commissioner. “Sportsmanship and comradierie at its finest. This is exactly what I envisioned when I started giving FEDEX points each week four long years ago, for days like this when we could all pretend that we were on the PGA Tour. My hats off to Mr. Wildcat and Grampy who showed what being a competitor is all about. I didn’t see much of their sporting careers live, have only heard the stories, but now I know none of those stories were lies. Thanks for a great, fun day. Hunchback, I love you buddy…”

Leaderboard- Final

Commissioner E

Mr. Wildcat E

Grampy +2

Hunchback W/D

AIR BUD ROBS THE DEUTSCHE BANK!

A season of near misses came to an end Saturday at the Deutsche Bank Championship for a man that loves his dog more than I love my golf clubs. After frustrating runner up finishes at The Masters and Players Championship, a 71 at the Men’s Night closing and a partridge in a pear tree, Air Bud snatched victory Saturday afternoon at KenWo GC, firing a net 67 that was good for a one stroke victory over a Gadget Man and a gaggle of golfers tied for 3^rd. The relief was etched all over his face after a countless weeks waiting patiently upstairs at the bar after low rounds, only to have a player from the last group terrorize his soul. “I started to notice that I was flinching in my sleep. I think it’s that PTSD those soldiers get, dodging shells for years. You can’t help it. It feels good to finally get a W in 2017 though. I even stopped in New Minas and got a dog treat to eat after the round. He wanted an ice cream…so I ate the biscuits.”

My life at home. ~Gadget

A Front Nine 38 was “highlighted” both literally and figuratively by a birdie at #5 and the race was on for Scooby Snacks aplenty. Another birdie at #15 drew the vagabond even with The Gadget at -3 and after a fluffy Gadget bogey at #17, the lead for good and a Deutsche Bank Championship after an Air Bud par at the 18^th. “I can’t bark into words what this means to me. I was playing with Chris today and he shot 39 on the Back 9 which made it difficult for me to breath at all.” said a besmirching Air Bud. “The guy knows his phones and his way around KenWo for a 16 handicapper. I am excited about the KWGA Fall season now that my game is in peak form. I hear they even let dogs on the grounds when the leaves start to fall!”

For Gadget Rushton, Saturday was a day he could come home to his estrogen infested abode and finally get them to listen. Only a disastrous 8 at the Par 5 6^th hole would in the end cost him a victory. Pars at #12, #13, #14, #15, #17 and #18 highlighted a stretch of golf that would make his own children hit the practice range for more work. However, the hard work and grinding was not enough for his first victory in 2017. “Sometimes you can only tip your hat to your opponent and move on. It’s like when I used to have to go shopping with my family and be forced to spend 3 hours in Lulu Lemons…while I was only allotted 2 minutes in Cleve’s Sporting Goods.” Said Gadget. “Life isn’t fair sometimes but I did make them so I have to deal with it just like on the golf course.”

The only black mark in Air Bud’s day was a decision by the KWGA brass to place Air Bud back on “scorecard probation” for yet another snafu. In a KWGA first, Air Bud started placing squares around bogies, squares that looked an awful lot like circles for birdies. “He was doing so good, I swear. He seemed rehabilitated. My job doing the Rang Report is hard enough with The Hunchback interrupting me every time I start to announce the winners each week, let alone having to decipher bogey squares and birdie circles in a darkened dining room. Who “squares” bogies anyway? If everyone who kept score in the KWGA did that our cards they would look like old bingo cards after Aunt Edna got done stamping them with those black ink stampers. Next time I will scan the scorecard and post it on the website!” said The Commissioner. “I still love you Bud.”

Ringer Board Update

I am not sure how many of you have been checking in with this all year…or even knew it was going on, but the KWGA Ringer Board is heating up. If you are curious to see the whole leaderboard, go click on TOUR SCHEDULE-RINGER BOARD and scroll down…all the way down.

In Division 1, none other than Grampy leads the way after 19 events at 59 with Double-Double close behind at 60, The Shark at 62 and a part time Barry Bannister at 62.

In Division 2, a close race included Telly-Kelley and “Boston” Big Johnson at 63 with The Sheriff, Wildcat and a part time Captain Shitacular Levy one stroke behind at 64.

What can you say about Division 3? Without question the most surprising and awe-inspiring efforts with Mr. October’s ace giving him a one shot lead at 62 over best buddy Gadget at 63 and a resurgent Fogg at 64. The Ringer Board will go right until the season finale, the Bryson Intercontinental Championship on October 14. Everyone still has time to make a run!

News, Notes & Quotes

*“There sure are a lot of weddin’s this summer!” ~Anonymous

*A Farewell to our buddy Nick Carey who leaves Monday for the northern hinterland hunting Grizzlies and anything else that moves. I enjoyed your company this summer and look forward to seeing you down the road buddy. Take a picture of that big ugly Grizzly will ya?

*Some bad news Friday as Doug’s hockey team in Germany came up a bit short in their first preseason game 7-1. I would paste the link to their team’s website here for you to see…but he threatened me if I did. Keep your chin up Doug and GO GET ‘EM SUNDAY!

*The Sign-Up and Volunteer boxes for this FRIDAY’S Tour Championship have been posted on the website. Good luck to those KWGA’ers playing in next weekend’s Coors Light 2 Man Scramble. It should be a lot of fun! Play well!

*“Pfffftttttt…Ya right…The Sheriff played Glen Abbey. Whatever.”~The Commissioner

Anyone could find a picture like this on the internet. It doesn’t prove anything.

Is that you John? I can’t really tell. Shadowy, dark, zoomed way too far out…plus those tees look like the tips…and we know you don’t play the tips buddy! Stop lying you cross-eyed, crayon… PS. Please stay away from the Halifax Waterfront from now on! Love ya buddy!

Countless hours of watching…studying, and yes, embarrassingly enough, fantasizing about Holly came to a climax Saturday afternoon as The Commissioner held off a fast role playing Bannister-Hennigar to win the 2017 Holly Sonders Golf Channel Memorial for the second time. Time and again The Commissioner summoned his inner Holly moan when things got difficult down the stretch with a birdie at #17 and a Seve Ballesteros par from the gravel road raised high above the 18th green. “This is an event I get worked up about.” said a beaming and flushed Commissioner. “Holly’s absence from my life over the past 3 winters cannot be measured. Fox Sports stole her from us. Golf Channel just isn’t the same without her, so I always want to come out and show her what she is missing, because make no mistake, she would fall in love with me if she met me.”

“Was that another birdie Commissioner? Let me get that for you.”

Not noted for starting fast, The Commissioner finally did just that with a birdie at #1 for the first time all season. A missed 6 footer for birdie at #2 was followed by a missed 12 footer for birdie at #3. HIs second birdie would have to wait until #7 where he filet mignon’d a wedge to 8 inches. Feeling over-confident, an errant approach to #9 would be the turning point. “It could have been disaster. I pulled a wedge down into the woods right of #9 green.” said an exhaling Commissioner. “Grampy luckily found my ball, I flopped it up to 15 feet and then drained that curler for par. Big moment for me.” An outward 34 gross was followed by a sloppier inward 38 but the 72 gross (65 net) would be enough to waltz with Holly once again. “I know it’s uncomfortable for the fellas to think of me in a romantic situation with Holly.” finished The Commissioner. “I really don’t care how they feel about it. Heaven knows they have watched worse at home alone. Big win for me today. Now if you will excuse me, I am calling The Golf Channel to get my girl back on the air.”

Trying hard like a porno co-star, Bannister Hennigar continued his fine fluffing of late with a scorching 37 gross front that included two money shots at #6 and #8 that resulted in birdies. Another birdie at #17 gave rise to championship hopes but his closing inward 38 gross would come up 2 strokes short of The Commissioner. “All of this circus that is Holly’s tournament doesn’t really mean a lot to me.” said a straight-faced Bannister. “You have to remember I just spent 3 weeks in Toronto with my in-laws, fake-smiling all day, going to operas and driving 23 hours home, so playing golf on Saturday’s feels like Martha Stewart leaving the Connecticut Department of Corrections to try out a new casserole recipe.” Bannister’s performance was his 4th Top 3 this season in just 7 events and put him back in the race for a FEDEX Playoff spot. A win at next week’s Canadian Open would make things interesting.

“Welcome to The Club gentlemen. Feels good, doesn’t it?”

A gaggle of golfers finished tied for third Saturday, a group that included a retired singer, retired golf pro and soon to be retired when his son stops taking expensive university courses Biggest Johnson. Fonda-Thomson was coming off the worst performance of his career just two weeks ago, a 101 that threatened his golf career after spending $2200 on all new golf apparel just weeks previous. Double-Double’s career has also been derailed by a bout with golf gout, while Biggest Johnson just keeps rolling along with a game built for breaking hopeful single-digit handicap hearts. “It’s really hard to feel sorry for any or all of those 3 men.” said a smirking Commissioner. “One has Hollywood looks and voice, one has more donuts than one man could ever eat or spend in one lifetime and the last one will be living off a pension just south of Donald Trump in the next few years. I on the other hand still have the same rims on my car as the day I bought it.”

The Rocket Returns

In a scene straight out of “Rocky”, the KWGA’s raspy-voiced villain made his 2017 KWGA debut Saturday and afforded himself well, firing a gross 80. However, when one looks inside the numbers, the performance was much better than the 80 you see on the scoreboard. A 7-7-6 finish marred what would have been a mid to low-70 just days after foot surgery and cranberry rehab. “The Rocket was actually tied for the lead standing on the 16th tee.”  said an impressed Commissioner. “Whether it was the playing lessons from the pro, the power cart or the childish barbs from a shamed former Sheriff , nobody will truly know. It’s just good to see our buddy back.”

FEDEX Cup Playoffs Update

Just one week remains in the 2017 regular season and we have some intrigue to say the least. With points double for next Saturday’s final major, the Canadian Open, a lot can happen. Here’s what we know right now.

Mr. October-Fisher, The Commissioner and The Shark have cemented their spots in The Final 8. Barring a mathematical miracle, Grampy will also be in the field August 19 at The Barclays Championship.

Last season’s FEDEX Cup Champion, Mr. Wildcat will need to shake the sand out of his panties after a week at Parlee Beach wearing Blue-Blockers and avoid a bottom finish to avoid any nail-biting.

Air Bud, Inspector Gadget and Double-Double currently sit on the bubble and will need to finish in the Top half of the leaderboard, if not, they will have to hope that fatigue and amateur status rears its ugly head for Hunchback and Biggest Johnson.

The real intrigue starts with The Biggest Johnson and The Hunchback who currently sit at #9 and #10 respectfully. A win or Top 3 may be enough to get them in the playoffs. Both are hungry and motivated and have agreed to abstain from liquor and chesterfield rugby this week in an effort to be ready.

Bannister-Hennigar has a long shot chance but will need to win and hope that the field gets distracted by a Pride parade or lightning.

Remember, all members can still sign up and play  in The Barclays Championship on Saturday August 19.

The Handicap Debate

We’re risking $6 a week and some pride for a plastic trophy I dug out of the back of Porter’s Trophy store in Kentville three years ago. Perspective.

Lebewohl mein Freunde

This Saturday at the Canadian Open we say goodbye to Doug Irwin who will be returning to Deutschland for another season coaching the finest hockey schnitzel that Germany has to offer. Doug, hopefully someday you will retire and have your autumns in Nova Scotia to be able to take a run at the FEDEX Cup and Bryson Intercontinental Championship. Until then, enjoy your hockey season and we look forward to seeing you at KenWo again in 2018!

Doug’s 2017 Highlights

A personal best Net 62 at the Munich Oktoberfest Open (2nd place).

An opening round 75 in KenWo’s Club Championship.

A par 5 at Avon Valley’s brutish, uphill Par 5 2nd hole…good enough to finally win his bet with The Commissioner.

Doug’s 2017 Lowlights

*Taking so many years to figure out how to use the slider weight on the bottom of his driver. After 15 years of hitting overcut fades, costing him 30 yards per drive, finally sliding that weight to DRAW changed the game a bit late this season. Enjoy those 30 extra yards and straight ball flight Doug…and bring it back on Tour in 2018!

P.S.- Don’t ever tell me to pick Paddy Harrington in a golf pool ever again!

News, Notes & Quotes

*”Can you imagine? Seven days sequestered in Cape Breton with Maxwell, Woodworth, Kenny, Bobby T. and Lister?”-Said about 100 times by 12 different people on the practice putting green before Saturday’s Sonders Memorial.

*Congrats to Burkie who advanced to the second round of the Club Championship Match Play event with a 4&3 win over Dave Jones Sunday evening. Wayne shot 34 on the Front Nine that included 3 birdies, then birdied #12 to take a 3Up lead, then ended the match on #15. His reward? Having to drive Mr. Jones back to Windsor because he didn’t have a ride. Great job Wayne!

*Harold, you won a rang and $11 with your birdie on #15 Saturday. I will pay you the next time I see you.

*See you next week fellas!

I’ve Got a 9 Handicap

Sound the submarine alarm…the waters off the Coast of KenWo are once again no longer safe to swim after the KWGA’s fiercest fish made filet mignon out of the field Saturday morning at the 2017 KWGA Players Championship. Backed by a school of dolphins, mermaids and manatees, The Shark gnashed  and punctured his playing competitors with a Back Nine 36 for a one stroke victory that left yet another golfing scar on the arse of Air Bud in 2017. The win was The Shark’s second TPC in three years and 7th Top 3 finish in 10 starts this season, vaulting him back up to second place in the FEDEX Standings, just a half point behind. “I felt good driving to the course today. I had the radio on listening to CBC Morning Drive and my wife had managed to get the stains out of my favorite white shirt from last Saturday.” said a sharp-toothed Shark. “Plus I usually have to drive The Fogg to the course and listen to his bad knees aching, so it was nice to just have a quiet drive for once. I feel kinda sorry for Air Bud, I know I broke his heart once again…just like when I would steal his girlfriend at the KCA High School Dances back in the day. Tough day for him I am sure, reliving old, bad memories.”

Entering the week, many pundits had quietly whispered whether The Shark had enough power in his dorsal fin to win again on Tour after 6 near misses already in 2017. However, undaunted, he came out as calm as a clam Saturday morning parring six of his first seven holes, making the turn in 37. A dart and clutch put at the 11th started his ascent to the top of the leaderboard by a stroke, a lead which he would hold on to for good, even with a bogey at the Par 5 14th. With Air Bud in the clubhouse at -5, The Shark needed two pars to finish his prey, and like JAWS, his razor sharp fangs sunk into his second TPC Championship. “Huge day for me today.” said The Shark as he clutched his trophy. “Prescott kept me calm all day with his incessant giggling and spell-bounding stories of parking lots in Indianapolis. I could have gone without the bright red glare from his cranium, but like he said to his first wife and high school playmates…you can’t have it all honey…just half of it.”

Now, now Bud…There’s always the Canadian Open

For Air Bud, Saturday was yet another reminder of what it is like to be Matt Kuchar. Happy, unassuming, yet ready to take it high and hard, all with an uncomfortable smile. His second straight runner-up finish in a major tournament in 2017 and second time finishing runner-up in the Players Championship (2015) had many KWGA friends calling his cell every 20 minutes Saturday night, making sure he went straight home after golf. A Front Nine 36 followed by a matching birdie at the 11th had him right back in the hunt at a major. A closing 37 Back Nine meant that a 73 gross would come up short once again. “Having to sit upstairs, waiting for that last scorecard to come in, knowing I was the leader in the clubhouse…unnerving.” said a downcast Air Bud. “I stayed at the course thinking I may have won, even with my dog sweltering in a kiddy pool in my backyard at home. If a gross 73 isn’t good enough to win a major, well, then, I might as well take up Petanque or lawn bowling.” On the bright side, after a slow start to the season, Air Bud has sky-rocketed to 5th in the FEDEX Standings after garnering 40 points yesterday. “I’d give up all of those points for a major and for those uncomfortable Kuchar smiles to go away.” said Air Bud.

It must be July…I’m actually thinking about drinking here.

Making his 13th straight career Major appearance Saturday, at 13 different weights, was The Commissioner, a man who welcomes July’s warm air like a water buffalo meandering toward the crocodile infested Serengeti River. His round was highlighted by 14 greens hit, a birdie at 14 but marred by 4 three putts and an eagle putt left on a lip. A Front Nine 38 was followed by a Back Nine 37 that was good for his 27th career Top 3 finish. “I can’t say enough about how much fun I had today.” said a dripping Commissioner. “I was thankful Bip Trainor was in the group ahead of me with some extra baby wipes and The Fogg making sure I got some extra exercise. That all kept my focus off of pre-shot anxiety and on what is important, making sure my intestinal tract is free and clear.” The third place finish moved him up to 3rd in the FEDEX Standings with just three regular season events remaining. “I wasn’t expecting much from my round today.” said The Commissioner. “When my brother stays overnight he tends to wake me quite early and with not a lot of finesse. Light flickering and door slamming is kind…no wonder I had gas.”

THUMBS UP…THUMBS DOWN

It could be worse…

THE HUNCHBACK- It was a test. I didn’t say a word or give one reminder to last year’s Players Champion to bring the trophy to the course Saturday morning. Well done Kevin! I’ve changed and upgraded your website password…FormerlyRetarded.

BIP TRAINOR- After a tee shot off #11 tee that skittered violently across #10 green, the former Axemen football great then hit his second shot from 150 yards to 6 feet…and drained his putt for par. Amazing to watch!

GRAMPY- After a Friday morning non-wedding stag party round with friends that netted a -$773.41 KenWo bill, he still came to the course Saturday morning with a smile. Update: Grampy made $1,357.43 today after selling another set of sprinklers.

TIM PRESCOTT- A late entry Friday night. Arrived @ Halifax International Airport at 2am. Teed off at KenWo 4 hours later. Shot 75, won two rangs worth $50….and put the money down on the table and said, “You can have this money for booze…if you listen to a few stories I wanna tell ya about someone named The Eagleman! Thanks Timmy…Next year I will make you a bag tag!

So Not Cool Fellas…I’m Trying to Help.

THE HUNCHBACK- For defacing The Players Championship trophy with an inscription of some guy named T-Bone. I have downgraded your website password back to IAmRetardedAgain.

MAXWELL-SMART- For administering so much sunscreen that it looks like you spend your spare time modelling in a wax museum.

BANNISTER-HENNIGAR- For going to The Opera in Toronto…and bragging about it on Facebook. Embarrassing.

MR. WILDCAT- For drinking 6 Red Bulls every Saturday before arriving at KenWo…without the felines!

KWGA SICKNESSES AND INJURIES- We need you back Gerry and Rod! Get plenty of rest, drink lots of liquids…and come back swinging for the fences out on Tour once again!

News, Notes & Quotes

*”I know Padraig Harrington is going to play great this week at The Open. Make sure you have him on your pool list big fella.”-Irwin. Thanks Doug…I had Cabrera-Bello on my original list. Nice drive on #1 yesterday though. Great bogey bud.

Great drive Buddy!

*Congrats to Rene MacKay on winning the first ever KWGA British Open pool. I will make sure I forget to tell you about the PGA Championship pool next month.

*Good luck to everyone playing and competing in the Acadia Alumni tournament Friday and in the Men’s Club Championship on the weekend!

*A big year just got bigger for The Shark. He added his second Players Championship crown to his mantle along with captaining a winning team in June’s Ryder Cup.

*See you next week boys!

Braving monsoon rain and fogged up fairways, two “Noah’s” took centre stage Saturday morning, taking turns building their own “L’arch de Triumph” in sharing the 2017 Heritage Classic title at what has become known as KenWo Golf Club & Aquirium. In yet another challenging weather day on Tour, the duo of Luvable (Cuddles) Grampy & The Man surrounded by water (Puddles) Mr. October spit at the conditions where others faltered with matching net 65’s, besting a manimal named The Shark by 4 strokes, a man well suited for the watery grave the rains created. “I generally don’t like sharing things but I guess I have no choice today.” said a soggy yet smiling Grampy following the round. “I shot 71 gross so I did all I could. Sometimes you just have to tip your hat to people when they come up big in the crunch…or just lay down your sword and marry them.”

With tournament organizers debating pre-tournament whether to even leave the safety and dryness of the deck canopy behind #1 tee, Mr October sent out his first harpoon, a drive that split the first fairway, and The Heritage was off and running. A Front Nine 39 gave October another early lead this season as he made the turn at -13 net. Grampy grabbed an oar and paddled his way to a Front Nine 37 (-4 net) so there was plenty of ground to be made up. A 2 under gross Orchard and 34 gross overall Back Nine meant the grizzled veteran had reeled in 9 strokes and Mr. October himself to share the title. The accomplishment tied the record for biggest comeback in Tour history, a record Grampy set himself in 2015 in winning the FEDEX Finals vs the man formerly known as KKK. “A tremendous accomplishment to say the least.” said a bedazzled Commissioner. “I played in the group ahead of him, and every time KK and I looked back, Grampy’s yellow ball was no more than 5 feet from the hole the entire Back Nine. KK was twitching every time he saw that yellow ball so close to the hole. I am guessing he was having flashbacks to the 2015 FEDEX Finals. And what can you say about Mr. October? That’s his fourth win on Tour this season. He just continues to put himself in position week after week. He probably needs that tournament money to feed his 3 horses, I mean dogs, at home. That’s what I call pressure.”

Tournament host and resident “fashionista” Mark The Shark brought home his fifth Top 3 finish in 2017 with his 69 net, cementing himself in third place in the race for the FEDEX Cup. However, it wasn’t so much his score that had everyone amazed, conversely, it was the fact that he was the only golfer who didn’t look wet Saturday afternoon. “Arnie and I looked like we had bathing suits on by the time we strolled up 18 fairway.” said a drowned Commissioner. “The Shark on the other hand? His shirt tail remained tucked in and there was nary a ripple in his pantalon. He’s unbelievable.” Possibly taking offense to being punted out of his original grouping early in the round, The Shark found that sweet rhythm that we all sought at our High School dances…but most never actually found. His birdie at #13 solidified his standing as he entered The Valley and all that was left was to start the BBQ in Tupper Lake. “The golf was easy today.” said a relaxing Shark. “My biggest worry was reigning in The Fogg and making sure he got SOMETHING in his tummy before the barrage of medicine that would inevitably follow once we got home from golf. Sausage anyone?”

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KWGA KIJIJI- WANT ADD

“All I Need to Break 80 in the Rain Kit”

Gloves- preferably older models. sticky/tacky feel, THE NEW MODELS SUCK!

5 XL Gortex Water Proof Jacket & Splash Pants w draw string

Shoes-Size 16 All Weather/Water Proof Flippers

8 Foot Umbrella w extended tube for pull cart (minus the Dog hair Scott)

Fisherman’s Hat- Kinda like the one Burkie wore but one that doesn’t look like a penis on my head

3 Shammy Cloth Towel set w Toronto Maple Leafs Logo

Renu Contact Lens Solution for foggy. wet days

Johnson’s Baby Powder for inner thigh chaffing

Fruit of the Loom Breathable Undies- Boxer Briefs

iPhone 9 w data plan to check weather updates and Doppler Radar

There…I feel comfortable now…Let it RAIN on us AGAIN!

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The Bringer of Rain- The Hunchback

And no, I am not talking about a towering, Dave Kingman type beer league softball homerun…After a stern lecture via group email last week in which he scolded the KWGA and its offices in a scathing memorandum, The Hunchback admonished its membership to basically “toughen up…or stay in bed every Saturday morning.” So what happens just 5 days later? You guessed it. The biggest monsoon in KWGA history. A day that saw the greens float under water by the 13th hole, hands fly off club grips like leaves falling from trees and no KenWo Hospitality Cart to help wash out the sorrow and brighten the spirits. I dare say the latest episode of “BrookeFit” could not have saved me personally from golf purgatory Saturday morning Kevin…you Halifax Stag Party going, softball wannabe, sandbagging, good for everything jokester and Life Coach bastard. What a day to miss buddy. SOME GUYS HAVE ALL THE LUCK! #NoFreakingJustice

.

Sheriff’s Court Report

Speedin’ Violations

I, Sherrif John, gotta big bone to pic with a couple of yu fellers. I see ya drivin’ in KenWo like its ur own friggin’ weddin’ day, but for crissakes, ya gotta slo it down a bitt cummin’ to the course. I saw a Youtoob video the other daay where this women drove righht over this old bastard for just steeling her purse! Now can yu imagine? the gall of that ole coot! I say off wit there heads…or they’re golf clubs for fooksake. 4th Reich, this ain’t the German Autobahn. One day ur gonna go so fast in that go- cart of urs that yull end up in the bunker on #13. Arnie, ur car can’t fully cleer a speed bump, so Imma put that ole bump back right in front of that crost walk headin to #10 tee. And Burkie, you ole preck, drivin’ aroun all proud like in thaat big fookin white truck like you own the road…Imma key scratch the paint right off one side of it if ya dont slow down and get to ur tee time early for once…and parkin wherever ya gosh darn well feel like it. Imma sick Rick on ya and send ya a greasy letter if ur not careful.

OK boys, next week were gonna talk about boatin’ safety before we go to Harold’s House on the 15th… so don’t miss it…or I’ll mak ya cum to church with me next Sunday. And remember….always check ur hair on the regularr…Breaker Breaker, 10-4…this is Sherrif Jonh…over and out.

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KWGA Trivia Time

Multiple Choice (Because I know half of you wouldn’t pass a written test)

So let’s start with an easy one…

QUESTION #1

WHO SAID THIS?

(a) Oscar Wilde- Playwright/Author/Poet

(b) Connor McGregor- UFC Fighter

(c) Payne Stewart- Pro Golfer

(d) “Bob & Doug” Trainor-Irwin

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Question #2

“Frig, I’m confused. Schools were different when I was teaching.”

(a) The Rocket

(b) The Commissioner

(c) Double-Double

(d) Grampy

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News, Notes & Quotes

“Will somebody please loan me a freaking rain glove? Someone? Bueller…Bueller…Bueller?”-The Commissioner’s frantic request fell on deaf ears and was met with collective silence before teeing off Saturday morning.

*The KWGA would like to wish Barry Bannister-Hennigar a safe and happy trip to Toronto. His annual 9 week pilgrimage to Ontario to see his In-Laws commenced Sunday. That’s either love or insanity. You choose. See you in September Barry!

*A HUGE Thank-you to Mark Gavin (Shannon) & Mike White (Anne) for their food, hospitality and friendship on Saturday as their “Tupperware Party” was all that and more! For those who missed it….Huge half pound burgers with trimmings, sausages, drinks, bonfire, swimming and all the dogs running around anyone could ever want in one cottage lawn. You live in a tiny piece of heaven fellas and I appreciate you letting me see your world.

*Hopefully it will be “Welcome Back Bob Maxwell” this coming Saturday as our buddy Bob Maxwell has been laid up the last few weeks. I hear you have lost 15 lbs buddy? Maybe I need to get on that diarrhea program you have been on!

*Sign-Up boxes for next Saturday’s Tootsies-Miami Cabaret have been posted on the website. Volunteers needed and happily accepted to get tee times.

*SEE YOU NEXT WEEK BOYS! ~The Commissioner

They don’t post pictures on scorecards…and Masters champions are not supposed to be able to hunt like Tarzan and scream like Jane…but nobody told that to the KWGA’s Weasie Locke, who became the first ever to win back to back Masters at venerable KenWo GC Saturday afternoon. After five days of slashing and hacking around the red soil of PEI and 4 events on the KWGA Tour to start 2017, Weasie broke out in a huge way with a net 65, good enough for a 1 stroke victory over a fast-charging Air Bud and slowly but surely moving Hunchback Newcombe. Even a three putt for double bogey at the 18th couldn’t derail Weasie whose lead had swelled to three standing on the final tee. “I can’t say enough about how much this new grip has helped me.” said a bewildered Weasie. “I was told to stick with it by a few fellas, and low and behold, today is the result. Now I just have to explain to my wife why this ugly green blazer and trophy is back in our house.”

Entering the week with zero expectations, both from Vegas Oddsmakers and Weasie himself, the Tantallon Troublemaker calmly and steadily traversed the Front Nine in 39 strokes including pars and the difficult 5th and 7th holes. With playing partner Double-Double quietly cajoling and encouraging Weasie like his newborn’s upcoming potty training, Weasie found solid pars at #11, #12, #14 and #17 and no double bogies before reaching the final tee. Just ahead on the green, the drama was unfolding before his eyes. The Hunchback was staring down an 18 footer for birdie that would get him to -5 for the championship. However, The Hunchback’s effort would come up woefully short and he would be forced to settle for par and a gross 75 (Net 66), his best round on Tour this season, a round that included three birdies. Thirty minutes earlier in the first group of the day, Air Bud had fired a neat spotless Back Nine 36 to set the score in the clubhouse at -4 but the question was, did Weasie know it…or was he consciously ignoring it? We will never know because nothing could be heard above his rapidly beating heart and intestinal tract. The 18th awaited Weasie with baited breath.

Bolstered by a three shot lead, Weasie took 3 swings to reach the putting surface at #18 and only a four putt would withhold him from victory. However, a vomitous first putt came up seven feet short, followed by a second putt that raced 2 1/2 feet by the hole meant 28 inches stood between Weasie and KWGA immortality. “I just thought about how many times I have been vomited on by my 9 children throughout the years.” said a relieved and now smiling Weasie. “There is something about pressure that bursts pipes and newborn’s diapers…but not my putting stroke under pressure. A huge putt and day for me to say the least. It may be a while before someone beats 20+ guys two years in a row in a net game. It may be time to buy a 6/49 ticket while I am at it. Now if you will excuse me, I have to get home and play another sport…chesterfield rugby…the sport of champions.”

“Grampy…you are SO naughty!”

Also having a fine Masters was Grampy, who came in a very solid 4th with a gross round of 73 after 5 days battling high winds and poker losses in PEI. The man who is treating his upcoming wedding day like a porcupine crossing the 101 made a mockery of KenWo Saturday with two birdies and a Back Nine 35 gross. “He continues to amaze me on several fronts.” said a bemused Commissioner. “How well he can still play the game at his age…how much money he can still make with irrigation systems in a climate that is warm 3 months of the year and a sprinkler will do the same thing, plus sprinklers look like more fun…and how much free time he has for the game itself. Now I know how his house is so clean!”

Saturday’s Sharp Shooters

Closest to the Hole Competition

“I hit one close on #13…and THAT’s the hole The Commissioner leaves out.”~ KK

#2 Darrell Cook- The most gorgeous draw to two feet I’ve seen this year.

#5 Mark “The Shark” Gavin- Or was it Gordie?

#11 Kevin “The Hunchback…Who the heck is T-Bone” Newcombe- Bladed wedge?

#15 Scott “Air Bud” Woodworth- He beat me by two feet. Frig.

Note: FYI John A….Sheriff is spelled with two F’s…not two R’s as you wrote on the paper on #11

Masters Ensemble of the Year

Mark Gavin: You can’t beat a man who can wear tapered golf chemise at 50.

Honourable Mention: The 4th Reich- Classy and stylish…but wrong colour and out of season.

The 4th Reich celebrates his 2nd place finish with his Ontario buddies.

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THAT’S How you Do It!

“Ok boys…we have our work cut out for us today.”~Fisher

Not many knew this, but when I put the group of Amirault, Trainor, Fisher and Woodworth together, it was a challenge of sorts. Weighted down by a combined handicap of 64 strokes, I am sure many rolled their eyes thinking, “Oh Lord, what was Derek thinking? That group is going to take all day to finish 18 holes!” Proving that “rabbits” come in all shapes and sizes, the foursome bolted out of the gates on #1, and was not seen again by the group behind them until the hill on #18. “In fact, we could see them walking on to #15 green…and we were standing on #14 tee! I was wondering why Johnny Aker was driving around us so much and offering my group rides!” said The Commissioner. “That round should have been put on a golf video and sent around the continent. Great job guys!”

Top 10 things I’ve learned about KWGA Masters Day

“Hey! Did somebody say free golf balls?”

People at the club look at me differently…like…why can’t I play too?

Some people will even put their anniversary on hold to play in the KWGA Masters.

A putt or chip to 2 feet is greeted by playing partners with club twirling, no eye contact, fixing of ball marks that don’t exist…and general silence.

People don’t laugh as much when I pass gas on the course.

Gerry is bombarded for golf swing advice.

Some people ask for new nicknames because their own wives laugh at their KWGA nickname.

People like prizes…like when you teach a dog a new trick.

Sportsnet wanted to cover the event….but cancelled once I sent them our photo.

Any type of golf swing can win on the KWGA Tour…and I mean ANY!

And the last thing I learned about the KWGA Masters this week…I can hardly wait for the 2018 KWGA Masters!

News, Notes & Quotes

*Quote of the Week- “What the heck Derek. Is The Masters a TWO day event this year?”- The Shooter

*KWGA golfers have now played a combined 1,054 rounds and 18,972 holes of golf in its history.

*Bob Maxwell and Rod Murray missed their first KWGA Masters since 2013. Maxwell had the flu and Rod was getting prepped for ankle surgery. Ironic since these two men were in a playoff to decide the first ever KWGA Masters champion.

*Tupper Lake Social Next Saturday- Sign-up boxes have been posted on the website. (Right hand side…scroll down)

*See you next week…Cannonball competition in Tupper Lake.

The Commissioner

TUESDAY AT THE MASTERS- KENWOLIA LANE

Tuesday brought unsettled weather to KenWo which may have proved to keep many KWGA’ers away from preparations heading into Saturday’s Masters, but not for two notables who managed to sneak rounds in. Last week’s Herbin Experience winner Double-Double and The 4th Reich made hay where others saw cow dung, squeezing in 18 holes in the high winds and scattered rains. It is that type of commitment that wins tournaments…or gets your wife to file for divorce.” said The Commissioner from KenWo’s Driving Range. “Those two…they may come off as being aloof, but down deep you know they want to claw someone’s eyeballs out. If golf was baseball, they would throw “chin music” at their grandmother if it meant a strikeout.”

“Who cares if we are in the bastion of Acadien French settlement? Stomp as hard as you want lads! Let’s be Irish for a day!” ~4th Reich

On a lighter note, footage from the 4th Reich’s Cape Breton weekend has begun to leak out slowly causing many to wonder if Pride Week is also celebrated in the Highlands of Nova Scotia. Dapperly clad in his tartan outfit, Irwin claimed victory among his Ontario friends, friends who pretend to be Irish once a year. “This is my favorite getaway of the year.” said an effusive Irwin. “These guys know how to party and play golf. This will no doubt have me ready for Saturday’s Masters. I don’t care what the naysayers write. The German press is much harder on me than any KWGA correspondent could ever be. Being cursed out in two languages is a skill and something to brag about.”

The big question for Irwin this week won’t be his driver, irons or putter, instead, just how will he get to the golf course. Rumour has it that Irwin has applied to KenWo’s Board of Directors to have his compact car officially licensed as a golf cart, able to be used on KenWo’s fairways. “Listen, it is efficient on gas, has passed all emissions testing and heck, has more leg room than a regular golf cart. Why not?” said Irwin. “Maybe I will start a trend. I see more golf carts parked 3 feet from the edges of greens out there anyway. Why don’t we just make a pasture out of the place?”

The KWGA would like to thank its confidential informant for his adept photo-taking and policing skills…The Sheriff would be proud!

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THE KWGA’S “LEADING MAN”

You can’t teach what Harold Fisher has. Some may quip and even complain about how a 17 handicap can birdie the first hole 3 of the last 4 weeks on Tour but Fisher has been dodging bullets all his life, birdies are nothing. Blessed with an immunity to golf and performance anxiety, Fisher has become a regular atop weekly KWGA leaderboards and that’s why some are pointing to the New Aylesford resident as a favorite heading into Saturday’s Masters. “I’ve just realized that I am competing with myself out there and not the rest of the field.” said a calm and relaxed Fisher. “Forcing things like good golf swings and marriage just don’t mesh. You have to finesse your way around the course just like you do your wife. Some of these other KWGA’ers haven’t figured that out yet.”

“Dad, you mean I have to clean up the shit too?”

With a purse full of loonies and twonies after just 10 weeks on Tour in 2017, Fisher has tried to stay away from the trappings of success. His success on Tour has not led to flamboyant spending and excess. “My truck already has new rims and I’ve got enough money buried in my front lawn at the cottage to last me a while.” said Fisher. “KWGA Saturday’s are like my 13th birthday when I got a pony. It’s like my birthday every freaking day! It’s not about the money, it’s about feeling like a kid again.” No word on if he had to clean any of the pony shit. Good luck Saturday Harold…we’re all just visitors in your world at the moment.

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The Masters Prizes

The Par 3’s

Four chances for glory. Saturday’s Masters will have a “game within the game” as The Commissioner’s Office is proud to announce prizes for closest to the hole on Holes #2, #5, #11 and #15. Pegs with paper insert will be placed on those holes’ greens, so please be aware. You don’t want to miss out! Why did I leave Hole #13 out? Three reasons…(a) You can’t see the green from the tee (b) Simple Math in the prize pool structure and (c) #13 has me personally by the nuts at the moment, so I omitted it.

Best Masters Ensemble

This is your chance to show your Masters fashion sense. I don’t mean you need to try and be Rodney Dangerfield, making a mockery of our great game and event. Instead, colour, sense of fashion and class will be judged. So do some thinking and let’s see those Masters ensembles shine. Make out great course look even better than it already does!

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LIVING…AND DYING BY THE GUN

The Sheriffs’s Plea for a Masters Miracle

“Let me get just one Rang fellas…ONE F****** Rang.” ~Sheriff

After a shocking 2015 which saw The Sheriff win twice on Tour and finish a staggering 2nd in the FEDEX Standings, the Lakeville Loon has struggled to regain that magnificent form. Some are pointing to a balky putter that may soon require The Claw grip, while others are pointing to a possible case of Tourette’s Syndrome. Whatever the case may be, the fans of the KWGA have missed The Sheriff’s brushes with glory atop the leaderboard. “It’s like losing a battle with hemorrhoids.” said a downcast Commissioner. “He sells the Tour in his ow special way, so to see him a non-factor week after week makes me want to buy stock in Preparation H just to help him out.”

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WHAT TO LOOK FOR WEDNESDAY @THE MASTERS

*Men’s Night/Practice Round Scoring

*Words from The Defending Champion- Brent Locke

*To Cart or Walk? To Drink or Smoke? Hard Questions for men in contention.

*Thanks to those who helped get tee times Tuesday morning!

*Time is ticking boys…See you tomorrow!