TUESDAY AT THE MASTERS- KENWOLIA LANE

Tuesday brought unsettled weather to KenWo which may have proved to keep many KWGA’ers away from preparations heading into Saturday’s Masters, but not for two notables who managed to sneak rounds in. Last week’s Herbin Experience winner Double-Double and The 4th Reich made hay where others saw cow dung, squeezing in 18 holes in the high winds and scattered rains. It is that type of commitment that wins tournaments…or gets your wife to file for divorce.” said The Commissioner from KenWo’s Driving Range. “Those two…they may come off as being aloof, but down deep you know they want to claw someone’s eyeballs out. If golf was baseball, they would throw “chin music” at their grandmother if it meant a strikeout.”

“Who cares if we are in the bastion of Acadien French settlement? Stomp as hard as you want lads! Let’s be Irish for a day!” ~4th Reich

On a lighter note, footage from the 4th Reich’s Cape Breton weekend has begun to leak out slowly causing many to wonder if Pride Week is also celebrated in the Highlands of Nova Scotia. Dapperly clad in his tartan outfit, Irwin claimed victory among his Ontario friends, friends who pretend to be Irish once a year. “This is my favorite getaway of the year.” said an effusive Irwin. “These guys know how to party and play golf. This will no doubt have me ready for Saturday’s Masters. I don’t care what the naysayers write. The German press is much harder on me than any KWGA correspondent could ever be. Being cursed out in two languages is a skill and something to brag about.”

The big question for Irwin this week won’t be his driver, irons or putter, instead, just how will he get to the golf course. Rumour has it that Irwin has applied to KenWo’s Board of Directors to have his compact car officially licensed as a golf cart, able to be used on KenWo’s fairways. “Listen, it is efficient on gas, has passed all emissions testing and heck, has more leg room than a regular golf cart. Why not?” said Irwin. “Maybe I will start a trend. I see more golf carts parked 3 feet from the edges of greens out there anyway. Why don’t we just make a pasture out of the place?”

The KWGA would like to thank its confidential informant for his adept photo-taking and policing skills…The Sheriff would be proud!

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THE KWGA’S “LEADING MAN”

You can’t teach what Harold Fisher has. Some may quip and even complain about how a 17 handicap can birdie the first hole 3 of the last 4 weeks on Tour but Fisher has been dodging bullets all his life, birdies are nothing. Blessed with an immunity to golf and performance anxiety, Fisher has become a regular atop weekly KWGA leaderboards and that’s why some are pointing to the New Aylesford resident as a favorite heading into Saturday’s Masters. “I’ve just realized that I am competing with myself out there and not the rest of the field.” said a calm and relaxed Fisher. “Forcing things like good golf swings and marriage just don’t mesh. You have to finesse your way around the course just like you do your wife. Some of these other KWGA’ers haven’t figured that out yet.”

“Dad, you mean I have to clean up the shit too?”

With a purse full of loonies and twonies after just 10 weeks on Tour in 2017, Fisher has tried to stay away from the trappings of success. His success on Tour has not led to flamboyant spending and excess. “My truck already has new rims and I’ve got enough money buried in my front lawn at the cottage to last me a while.” said Fisher. “KWGA Saturday’s are like my 13th birthday when I got a pony. It’s like my birthday every freaking day! It’s not about the money, it’s about feeling like a kid again.” No word on if he had to clean any of the pony shit. Good luck Saturday Harold…we’re all just visitors in your world at the moment.

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The Masters Prizes

The Par 3’s

Four chances for glory. Saturday’s Masters will have a “game within the game” as The Commissioner’s Office is proud to announce prizes for closest to the hole on Holes #2, #5, #11 and #15. Pegs with paper insert will be placed on those holes’ greens, so please be aware. You don’t want to miss out! Why did I leave Hole #13 out? Three reasons…(a) You can’t see the green from the tee (b) Simple Math in the prize pool structure and (c) #13 has me personally by the nuts at the moment, so I omitted it.

Best Masters Ensemble

This is your chance to show your Masters fashion sense. I don’t mean you need to try and be Rodney Dangerfield, making a mockery of our great game and event. Instead, colour, sense of fashion and class will be judged. So do some thinking and let’s see those Masters ensembles shine. Make out great course look even better than it already does!

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LIVING…AND DYING BY THE GUN

The Sheriffs’s Plea for a Masters Miracle

“Let me get just one Rang fellas…ONE F****** Rang.” ~Sheriff

After a shocking 2015 which saw The Sheriff win twice on Tour and finish a staggering 2nd in the FEDEX Standings, the Lakeville Loon has struggled to regain that magnificent form. Some are pointing to a balky putter that may soon require The Claw grip, while others are pointing to a possible case of Tourette’s Syndrome. Whatever the case may be, the fans of the KWGA have missed The Sheriff’s brushes with glory atop the leaderboard. “It’s like losing a battle with hemorrhoids.” said a downcast Commissioner. “He sells the Tour in his ow special way, so to see him a non-factor week after week makes me want to buy stock in Preparation H just to help him out.”

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WHAT TO LOOK FOR WEDNESDAY @THE MASTERS

*Men’s Night/Practice Round Scoring

*Words from The Defending Champion- Brent Locke

*To Cart or Walk? To Drink or Smoke? Hard Questions for men in contention.

*Thanks to those who helped get tee times Tuesday morning!

*Time is ticking boys…See you tomorrow!

MONDAY AT THE MASTERS- KENWOLIA LANE

The drive down KenWolia Lane today was majestic, a proper welcome to the season’s most prestigious tournament as player preparations hit full swing Monday at The Masters. Names like Irwin, Fisher, Carey, Thomson, Kelley & Kenny dotted the sun-splashed and wind swept fairways of KenWo today, a veritable who’s who of KWGA royalty. A wind so strong KenWolia Lane was temporarily put out of service when a large section of Azalea Tree crashed down, thoroughly blocking its path. “I am not sure if that is an omen for the tournament but the noise a tree makes when it falls reminds us all that we are tiny specs of God’s creation…and Kevin Newcombe’s voice isn’t louder than everything else on planet earth.” said a bedazzled Commissioner. “I think we are in for a cracking 2017 Masters!”

This Saturday will mark the 5th anniversary of the KWGA’s birth, a day that Bob Maxwell will never forget, nor will the patrons who lined the fairways to get a peek that day. The big news out of Monday was the health of Maxwell himself as he was forced to retreat to his cabin on the North Mountain after experiencing flu-like symptoms during his range session before his scheduled tee time with Thomson, Kelley and Kenny. “I certainly hope it is nothing serious.” said a concerned Commissioner. “I am hopeful that some chicken soup and rest is all that will be required to have him ready for Saturday. Bob, you missed a great day out there today!”

THE SCENE OF THE CRIME- WILD GOOSE LODGE

With so many KWGA members scattered around the province, both leaving for, and returning from, golf trips, the question must be asked. Is glutinous slurping of muscles and binge drinking the best preparation for a Major tournament? To help answer that question, we caught up with Gary “Biggest” Johnson at The Wild Goose Lodge in French River, PEI.

KWGA Correspondent Holly Sonders: “Gary, you do realize you withdrew from Saturday’s Herbin and now you are here gallivanting around with two not so good influences in Grampy and that Fred character who takes golf as seriously as he takes changing his panties every morning?”

Gary: “What can I say? I am a follower. My game isn’t predicated on or aided by preparation anyway. It is what it is, for better or for worse. Being around those two dipsticks does help toughen me up though, the constant teasing and jingling of pocket change in my back-swing. Fred’s a master at that.”

KWGA Correspondent Holly Sonders: “Last question Gary. How did you get clearance to basically frig off for the next 6 days? Is there nothing that needs to be done around the house this week?”

Gary: “Horses, it’called horses. I just let them graze on my front lawn. Saves on gas too. Manure is not a problem either…my excuses stink worse.”

DOUBLE-DOUBLE PRIMED FOR RE-BIRTH

“GO GET ‘EM GEAR BEAR!”

After a season toiling in the KWGA’s shit abyss, KenWo’s favored son looks to have turned a corner heading into Saturday’s Masters. A gross 72 and a Fred Herbin Experience title last Saturday should serve notice that two times the “Tim’s” will be a handful to deal with once again. It wasn’t just the score on the card, it was the sound at impact and the putts that are once again starting to fall that had one anonymous KWGA’er shaking in his boots. “I saw the same glint of self-confidence in the whites of his beady eyes as I did in the FEDEX Finals of 2014. It’s a lot to compete with once you factor in the flaws in your own swing and psyche. I wouldn’t be surprised one bit if he wins Saturday.”

With many whispering, “What? I thought we “mathed” Gerry out of contention when we went to the Net scoring system???”, the intimidation factor of a seasoned competitor could very well count for strokes gained once again. As Commissioner Ford quipped following his practice round Monday. “I win scrambles not stroke play tournaments. This guy, if he plays like he did Saturday, we may have to call in Brooke Henderson to cool him off.”

The KWGA tried in vain to contact Double-Double on Monday but rumour has it he had not left his indoor range/simulator, only peeking out to eat and pee….and to practice throwing the slippery, slobber-covered rubber bone to his bear named Dog…or is is dog named Bear?

KWGA “Members Update”

Barry Hennigar- Will miss the 2017 Masters after agreeing to a family trip to Newfoundland. My question is, Who goes to Newfoundland in June? The snow hasn’t even all melted yet!

Brent Locke- The Masters defending champion has spent the better part of 5 days camping in the woods somewhere in Nova Scotia. He was in such a hurry to leave for the trip that his return to sender email read, “I am currently out of the office and won’t be back until FEBRUARY!” Rumour also has it that the trip is actually a doube date with Jeff Legge…another KWGA’er well reknowned for his camping and first date prowess.

Bob Trainor- Did he go to Europe again? WTF is he? Not playing in The Masters? His KWGA status is under review.

Nick Levy- The 2015 Masters champion will miss this year’s tournament after his son found frozen water in June? An APB (All Points Bulletin) has been issued for his whereabouts.

WHAT TO LOOK FOR TUESDAY @THE MASTERS

*The KWGA has obtained exclusive footage of The 4th Reich’s Masters preparations in Cape Breton

*Fisher’s Masters Goals and how the season’s leading money winner spends his rang and net money

*Special features and prizes for The Masters

*Plus a few other things I haven’t thought of yet.

KWGA AMBER ALERT

WHO IS THIS GUY?

LUV YA BUDDY!

Builders make things happen…That’s just what makes this world go around. So it was Saturday afternoon at fabled Avon Valley GC as the KWGA’s club house builder, Mr. October Fisher, hammered and nailed his way to a two stroke victory at the 4th annual Avon Lea Open on a cold, drizzly day. The feat was all that more impressive when considering the distractions and pitfalls that surrounded him in the KWGA’s “Decibel Champion” Hunchback Newcombe and reformed Angry Bird. “It wasn’t that difficult. All I had to do was pretend I was their wives.” said a monotone Fisher. “They giggled and yelled stuff in my backswing all day. I grew up listening to the backhoes and dump trunks smashing loads around. Kevin and Kevin? Please, they sounded like kittens comparitively. Happy to get the win today in front of my son. Now he may believe some of my golf stories I have told him over the last four years.”

Fisher & Fisher staring in disbelief at the Avon Lea Scoreboard. “You see son, I haven’t been lying.”

Footnote: Harold became the first father to beat his son on Tour since Grampy beat Mr. Wildcat in the FEDEX Finals 2 season ago. (Nice to have you along Brady.)

After double bogies at #1 and #2, Mr. October settled down with a dazzling birdie putt on #3 to right his dump trunk. A front nine 44 had him in good stead heading into the back nine. Another birdie at the dastardly devilish Par 4 12th hole meant something special was brewing. “I am not sure how anyone hits and then makes a putt on that microdot green.” said an amazed Commissioner. “That green is canted front to back more than The Sheriff’s hairline. In other words, that’s a LOT!” A back nine 43 all meant the New Aylesford resident had captured his second title of 2017 and fifth career on Tour. “I can’t say enough about all of the support I have been getting this season.” said a now smiling Mr. October. “I have more air miles on my body in the last 3 months than the President of the United States. I even had to mule some Skoal across the border this week. That can wear down a fella if one doesn’t pace themselves. We saw that at Gerry’s house after the round…and even more so later Saturday night.” (More on THAT later.)

“This game is easy.” Air Bud

Proving once again that golfers can look “different”, Air Bud Woodworth broke the mold once again Saturday with a gross 79, good for second place and a small measure of respect and revenge. The Avon Lea Open has not been Air Bud’s most successful tournament over the years with rounds in the 90’s commonplace. However, he broke the mold in a big way with a 39 front that included 6 rock solid pars. “Getting off to a good start in this cold weather was paramount, especially with my artificial feet.” said an ecstatic Bud. “I heard the laughing in the parking lot when I actually showed up for this event, so I figured it was time to show them that I could actually play this course, and then show them some turkey skin in the hot tub at Gerry’s.” Air Bud’s back nine 40 and total round did not include a birdie, but birdies were going to be hard to come by on a 4 degree day that included a whipping north wind and rain. “Rangs aren’t my specialty anyway.” said Air Bud. “I am out on Tour to recoup some self-respect and maybe, just maybe, a BBQ chicken breast and beer when it’s all said and done.”

Rounding out the Top 3 Saturday was none other than Grampy. A man who has dominated the Avon Lea Open in his career, winning twice and finishing second on his other occasion. So a birdie-birdie start was not all that shocking Saturday…well ok, it WAS shocking, to a playing group that was aghast at what they would be up against all day. “I hit 3 of 18 greens all day and the Old Man was complaining about barely breaking 80.” said a disgusted Commissioner. “He was in the money 10 minutes into his day and I am out there blowing on my hands to try and get an ounce of feeling in my hands, let alone a birdie.” However, Grampy would need all the money he could muster on this day. After a solid drive on the Par 5 6th hole, calamity would strike. A viscous swing netted a less than stellar result after his club head went flying further than his ball. “I have been using that club for 37 years, so to see that club head leave the shaft was like watching your toddler walk drunkenly across the 101 highway. Maybe some more epoxy will save it.” Great job Grampy!

The Par Heard ‘Round the World 

Congrats Doug! Even I can make a par buddy!

Not many know this, but I haven’t known The 4th Reich very long. The first round of golf I ever played with him was just 4 years ago at the Avon Lea Open. I marveled at his Bill Lynch Shows “Tilt-A-Whirl” swing and his steely veneer. So that first round, we stood on the second tee of the Par 5 2nd at Avon Valley GC with yet another 30 km/hr wind and rain blowing in our face…and looking straight uphill to the green. The 4th Reich slashed and scurried his ball up that giant hill into the wind, and when it was all said and done, he had recorded a tidy 8. A tirade of Germany profanity lashed out of his bilingual mouth…and I giggled out loud. “How could he be upset?” I thought to myself. “Did he actually expect to make par or better on that hole with his less than Dustin Johnson length.” Well, like a proud father, I am here to announce, that after 4 attempts at the Avon Lea Open, Doug Irwin made a par up that monster yesterday morning on a day that looked and felt like the day I played my first round of golf with him. Congrats Doug, I will put a beer in the bank at the KenWo bar for you…Now if you REALLY wanna impress me…Birdie the f***** hole ya Big Baby!

“But Wayne…I Don’t Even Like Skiing!”

Martock Mountain…The Road Ahead

“It’s been 10 years since I have been this scared!” I screamed to myself last night as I whispered The Lord’s Prayer. How do things go from 0-100 mph so quickly? While many of you were warmly tucked in your beds at 9pm last night after a round of golf, a hot tub bath and a yummy BBQ. Me? Where was I? Not in bed until 1am. While some of you were snoring away, I was traversing a logging road straight up in the air, a road the width of a half tonne truck on a cobble-boulder road on steroids, up Martock Mountain. Martock Mountain you say Derek? But that’s not on the way to your home in Wolfville? You would be correct. I had no idea until last night that people partied on the sides of mountains…let alone BBQing rib eye steaks while doing so. I heard rustling and grunting in the surrounding woods, noises so uncomfortable that I swear I won’t play “fart games” with any of you on the golf course anymore. The sound of cracking wood on a deck not meant for a 300 lb man like myself. A mountain so high that I swear alcohol even freezes (Like my legs in shorts and flip flops last night)…and then we had to go back DOWN!

But first, I had to watch a crazy man named “Big Dog” descend that mountain, on THAT road, on a f***** motor bike! A man a legitimate 6’5, dwarfing the bike like I dwarf a lawn chair, careening staight downhill and into the darkness. We didn’t see  his body on our own descent, so I can only hope he made it home safe!

I didn’t sleep so well last night gentlemen, recalling the horror of seeing such a narrow, bumpy road, hearing the crunching of broken bones from the 4 men stuffed in the open cab at the rear of the vehicle, colliding with the steel frame. It all reminded me of just why I don’t like heights…and why I have never been to Ski Martock. Thank-you all just the same…it is a night I will never forget.

News, Notes & Quotes

*”I think I now officially qualify as a Windsor/Falmouth Adventure Tour Guide. However, I really don’t know what those two towns look like because I have only ever visited them IN THE PITCH F***** DARK!” ~The Commissioner

*Thanks a million to Gerry & Joan Elliott for their stellar hospitality Saturday. It’s so good I am like his dog “Bear”…I never wanna leave.

*Thank-you Kevin Poirier for bringing the YUMMY sausages! They were to die for!

*2017 RYDER CUP- POIRIER vs GAVIN  “KCA SKOOL DAZE” Sign Up now!

*Next KWGA Social- Saturday July 1- Tupper Lake- Mark Your Calendars Now…Something is BOUND to happen. Don’t miss out!

*Saturday in Pictures

Blah Blah Blah…”Captain” Lou Albano-Hennigar enthralling a trapped, select few with yet another story of “The One That Got Away.”

“So many swings to count…Mike, go ask Gerry for a calculator please!”

“Don’t get up boys…I’ll take care of everything.”

“Can I get a website username and password already? Sheesh.”

Conventional wisdom says you can’t go from 94 to 74 in seventy-two hours… but that’s just the kind of turnaround that makes the amateur golfer unique. Approximately 72 hours after a disastrous and calamitous 94 in Wednesday’s Men’s Night, the KWGA’s only ever marathoner, Barry Bannister-Hennigar, reached deep into his bag of tricks, firing a gross 74 (Net 65) to topple the field at the 2017 Legends Lounge Memorial on a glorious sun-splashed day at KenWo GC. Listed as an afterthought 16-1 underdog heading into the event, one would have thought Bannister-Hennigar was more likely to have camo-fatigues and a tourniquet in his bag to stop the bleeding than a shiny set of Titleists. “Wednesday was an anomaly.” said a smug and miffed Bannister-Hennigar. “It’s embarrassing to be listed near the bottom with The Sheriff. The Commissioner motivated me today. I was kicked in the shins in the hallways and called nerd all through my Horton years, 16-1 reminded me of that time in my life. My son is already cooler in Grade 7 than I ever was, so any kind of personal rehabilitating I can get in the KWGA goes a long way in reinforcing my status at home.”

Although his marathon days have mercilessly been put to rest, Bannister-Hennigar shot out of the gates quickly Saturday with a birdie at #2 and a Front Nine 37. Another birdie at #12 had even “shut ins” from Tideways Assisted Living Community scurrying with their canes and walkers atop #18 green in an effort to get just one glimpse of the 2017 champion. “A Man of The People” they shouted as he chunked his drive off #18 tee just 50 yards from its launch point. That’s when the questions and doubt started to creep in. Could he get it done without a withdrawn Fog by his side? The answer was yes, as a recovery bogey was all he would need on this day to keep “KK” at bay. “Sunday is Mother’s Day and now I can put away the gnarled, saliva bitten crayons and construction paper and buy a Hallmark card for once with my winnings.” said an effusive Bannister-Hennigar. “Today’s win was great timing because I was out of my favorite colour too!”

Fresh off yet another trip to New Brunswick (Why do they need so much Red Bull in NB anyway?), the KWGA’s “Reformed Bird” scrapped his way to a runner-up finish Saturday with a round of 77 gross (67 Net) that didn’t include a birdie but did include 12 rock solid pars. “If this continues we will soon be calling him Larry Bird.” said a confused Commissioner. “Those Senior League pitchers used to laugh at him before he stepped in the batter’s box…but they wouldn’t be laughing after the ball left his bat. The KWGA won’t be laughing either once he starts adding birdies to his pars.”

“Are these “Gitch” better Shannon? I don’t want the guys laughing at me today!”

A gaggle of three tied for third Saturday afternoon, a group that included The Commissioner, The Hunchback Newcombe and The Shark. For The Shark, it was his 4^th straight Top 3 finish on Tour and his efforts vaulted him to #1 in the FEDEX Cup Standings. They key to his round again this week? “I was about to run out of the house with green undies on and my wife stopped me before I could make such a mistake.” said an amused Shark. “She doesn’t know I have a reputation to uphold in the KWGA, but it was the warmest day of the year, and green does have the ability to show through white shorts. I know it’s embarrassing to be dressed by your wife but at this point I have to relent.” Happy Mother’s Day Shan. Great Job!

“PLAY SAFE”

Let’s Make 2017 Great Again

After a less than safe 2016 Social Calendar, The Commissioner’s Office thought it prudent to remind KWGA members that playing safe is both a good idea…and less expensive. So without further adieux, here are the Top 6 “Play Safe” Tips from The Office.

1. When using inflatable rafts or dinghies, please adhere to the height and weight suggestions/restrictions of each specific apparatus. They are listed on the rubber tags or on the underside of the raft. Failure to do so may result in broken axles and/or mesh seating.
2. When boating…nevermind, boating is cancelled in 2017
3. When throwing footballs or baseballs at 100mph like you were 18 again, it is best to find an area that is not heavily populated, near any windows or the 500 degree BBQ.
4. Shearing your toenails to less than ½ inch extended Kevin N. will ensure that nobody gets cut whilst swimming and blood/plasma products do not therefore contaminate the water.
5. Having a deck that has proper 2×8 reinforced pressure treated lumber that is not over 30 years old Doug will ensure nobody falls through.
6. If you do not want KWGA members at your house, do not lie and tell people you are having your house renovated Wayne, just tell us the cold, hard truth. We have all been rejected a million times in our lives Sheriff, we can take it.

News, Notes & Quotes

*The Cheeseburger Picnic scheduled for Saturday July 22 has been rescheduled to Saturday July 15.

“I hope the boys won’t notice.” ~Third Legge

*”The Third” Legge became the first KWGA member to arrive at KenWo for a KWGA event via taxi cab Saturday morning. His attempts to slide down the seat and hide behind the door as the cab approached the practice putting green were unsuccessful…even for someone just north of “Tattoo” from Fantasy Island.

*“He used to be a golf pro? This guy changed my grip, and yes, I’m hitting it 30 yards further…but now I can’t even break 100!”~Weasie    Stick with it Weasie!

*“I know it’s only 9:15am, but will someone in this group please order a drink and get HER outta the f****** cart already?”~Several KWGA golfers Saturday morning. “Hiiiiiiiii Doug!”

*“Jesus, Mary and Joseph. They talked for 4 ½ hours in that cart like they were long lost friends. I mean, there wasn’t one lull in the conversation! It was constant!” ~Rushton on Third Legge and Air Bud’s rendition of Sirius Radio for in-patient and Hang-Over care.

*Don’t forget to sign up for Avon Valley and Gerry’s BBQ!

See you next Saturday @The Gigglers Invitational

~The Commissioner

Like the cartels that ravage his Central American haven for fishing and game, Nick Waszczuk-Carey flummoxed the KWGA field with a devastating calm in the face of heartless brutality, carding a career low -8 round (82 gross) to win Saturday’s Captain Crazy Invitational by a whopping four strokes. Time and again, Waszczuk-Carey found the middle of the club-face, sending tracers high into the sky…and directly at the flagstick in a display that can only be called awe-inspiring. Mason’s aren’t usually known for their manual dexterity but somebody forgot to tell that to Carey-Waszczuk Saturday.”He played like the Cartel had bet on him today.” said a stunned Commissioner. “That would be a lot of pressure for any mere mortal, but nothing seemed to bother him today. I think Harold must have been giving him massage treatment on the cart between shots to keep him calm. Shelley Fleckenstein would be proud Harold.”

Waszczuk-Carey’s birdie at #2 and pars at #3, #8, #8B and #9 spearheaded a Front Nine gross 40 that was good for second in his own group. The Back Nine was just as consistent with pars at #11, #12, #13 giving him all the cushion he would need on this day to roll into victory lane. The win was Carey’s 3rd career title and the Costa Rican Rambler plans to tee it up again next week. “I find the less I care about my game, the better I play.” said a casual yet cheery Waszczuk-Carey. “Going stroke for stroke with the former Club Professional on the Front Nine was new for me. It gave me a lot of confidence knowing I could ram in birdie putts right behind him on #2. And hey…you know what they say…breakfast always tastes better when it’s free.” Great job Nick!

Also continuing his fine play to start the 2017 campaign was The Shark Gavin who fired a -4 round even with the hot lights of pre-tournament favorite shining hotly and brightly on his model-like backswing. The city dweller’s Front Nine 35 gross put him smack dab in the hunt, but still a distant 5 strokes behind Waszczuk-Carey as he headed to the Back Nine. However a double-bogey at the Par 5 14th ended any chance of free breakfast. The result was The Shark’s third consecutive Top 3 this season putting him at #1 in the FEDEX Cup Standings. “I can’t explain all of this really.” said a confident Shark. “There was a day when people wouldn’t act so surprised I am playing so well, but I guess last year’s performance on Tour made people forget about me. I watched my son take a lot of slap shots this winter and noticed his tempo was never rushed. Looks like that has translated to my golf game?”

     “I Hope the Fellas like it” -Legger

The combination of Legger and Woody rounded out the Top 3 Saturday afternoon. One golfer making his 2017 debut…and one trying to make up for a 90 gross just two weeks ago at the Kickoff Classic. Legge also became the first golfer in 2 seasons to actually shower after his round making one wonder…because you know he didn’t splash on that Brut Faberge’ to be around 15 men. His birdies at #8 and #16 were good to lead the tour on this day, cut 19 strokes off his Ringer Board score…and pay for his gas money back to his new stomping grounds of Dartmouth. For Woodworth, not much was expected of him once again Saturday, however, like he has done all of this athletic career, Air Bud surprised everyone with a startling -3 round (75 Gross) to share third place with the Third Legge. “I know what everyone must think when I stalk the practice putting green before my round, they probably giggle and snicker at my shorts, but that’s OK, I can handle their teasing.” said a smiling Air Bud. “They don’t know what I am thinking, and if they did, they would wish they were ONLY naked…and very afraid.” No details on whether Air Bud has long pants, undershirts, matching socks or a pair of lined shorts appropriate for the current seasonal conditions in his wardrobe.

The Full Gainer

                         Commissioner Ford…The 16th

After a wayward drive off of the 16th tee that found the gully in the middle of #17 fairway, The Commissioner’s second shot, probably his best swing of the day, produced a majestic shotgun blast sound along with a dazzling ball flight, only to clip the last branch to be avoided…and drop cruelly into the creek bed culvert that lines the 16th. The giggling and teasing that ensued from the group teeing off #17 was merciless…”Tough Break Big Fella. They all even out…” and “That should have worked out better” could be heard as the two parties crossed paths. It would be enough to make the blood boil of a mere mortal. The Commissioner’s third shot was a messy one as it turned out. Faced with a steep incline and thick, mucky moss as a lie, he thrashed mightily to extract his Titleist from the hazard. The result? A shot to 15 feet from the hole…and a tumble backward into the mucky ditch. “My worst fear, and the fear of my playing partners? How would anyone be able to help me out of there if I had gotten stuck…or broken an ankle!” The Commissioner then calmly drained that 15 footer down the hill for par.

3 Card Monty…Follow The Fogg

The Fogg’s Version of 3 Card Monty? Let’s Switch Playing Partners.

In a perplexing scene Saturday morning, The Commissioner stopped to pause at the strangest thing as he trundled up the 17th fairway. Like the last flight of the Dodo Bird…and presumably soaring just as vertical, The Fogg had switched playing groups, sending everyone scrambling to locate their KWGA Rules Manual…and KWGA Rules official Telley-Kelley. The Question? Is it a two stroke penalty to switch playing groups…on your own? Nobody was quite sure Saturday afternoon, and after The Fogg fired a -1 round, many were wondering if another Lexi Thompson scene would ensue. “I really don’t know what the hell was going on.” said a bemused Commissioner. “I had just done a full gainer into the creek bed on #16 and was trying to compose myself knowing others had seen me fall, so I didn’t really connect the dots until I teed off #18. When I saw the sad faces on The Fogg’s assigned playing partners, how sad and depressed they were, I couldn’t believe The Fogg dumped them like an ugly girlfriend. The other question was…Why?”

News, Notes & Quotes

Quote of the Day- “I used to be able to hold up a wet beach towel…Now I can’t even hold up a sheet of Bounce fabric softener.” An anatomy lesson from an anonymous source.

Rehab Stint- The Hunchback has been ordered to enter a 2 week Sensitivity Training Rehabilitation Centre after his ill-fated attempt at imitating “alternative music” following Saturday’s Captain Crazy Invitational.

Titleist Ball Promotion- The KWGA purchased 40 dozen golf balls! I will update you further on the results and fruit of all that labour in the coming days once I talk with the powers that be. Needless to say we will have a few jelly beans to spend on some closest to the hole contests during the 2017 season. Great job you guys and thanks for the support!

The Road Most Traveled- KWGA broke a “miles traveled” record on Saturday morning. Chris Rushton spent the week in British Columbia and rushed back, jet-lagged and weary, to play Saturday morning, and acquitted himself well with a +1 round. Kevin Poirier drove through the night and a driving rainstorm from Miramichi, NB to play. Brent Locke left his wife and newborn to be with the lads only to be ditched by a playing partner. In contrast, I rolled out of bed and drove 7 minutes from Wolfville. Great job guys! KWGA Proud.

Lastly, a special Thank-you to my Band of Brothers for the Clic-Gear stroller! I grew up with an older brother but he usually just teased me a lot about the Cleveland Browns, gave me “noogies” like our Vice Principal Raymond Jefferson did in Middle School or stole my only tennis racket growing up…and returned it in two pieces, ostensibly ending my tennis career at 11 years old…I am not bitter though, honest. So this gracious behavior is very new to me! Thanks again…I promise I won’t paint the stroller a new colour. Orange is my favorite!

See you next Saturday…The Tournament Sign-Up and Tee Time Volunteer boxes have been posted.

-The Commissioner

                                                     YIPPPEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

Fellas…

This week the RANGS were a bit of a “clusterbuckle” because I was in the last group and our group was so late getting finished. By the time I got done my round, most all had either left KenWo, were looking for a lost IPhone (Wayne’s) or had left for Rod’s house.

A total of $65 was in the collection jar. We had 16 golfers in total but only 14 in the RANG game. (Jordan Newcombe only played the Back Nine and wasn’t in the RANG game and Jamie Brown did not put in $5). Bruce Fagan joined us for the full 18 holes and was in. That means we are $5 short. (14 X 5= $70)

Here are the winners, winning holes and how much is owed to each golfer. I have stuffed 4 envelopes with the money and will give it to each golfer when I see you, or if all else fails, the money will be in the PINK BASKET the next time you show up to play on the KWGA Tour.

I have scanned and posted the scorecards below. Furthermore, Scott Woodworth was the NET PRIZE winner this week.

KEVIN NEWCOMBE- HOLE #4 ($16.25)

ARNIE KELLEY- HOLE #5 ($16.25)

BRUCE FAGAN- HOLE #7 & #14 ($32.50)

SCOTT WOODWORTH- NET PRIZE ($13.00)

You couldn’t make this stuff up if you tried. Just one year removed from an epic collapse in the 2015 FEDEX Cup Finals, Kentville’s Prodigal Son, KK The Angry Bird, turned “tarred and feathered” into majestic flight with a redemptive win for the ages at Saturday’s KWGA Tour Championship with a three stroke victory over Air Bud Woodworth. Entering the playoffs as the first alternate, nobody expected much from the Kentville bred and Halifax dweller. Proving that chances are precious and golf precision fast fleeting, The Angry Bird found lighting in a bottle, completing a three week odyssey to the top of the KWGA pecking order and winning his first FEDEX Cup. “This was my goal from the beginning. I would rather have had Grampy’s scalp today after what he did to me last season, but Air Bud’s scalp is worth something to me just the same.” said KK. “I can’t remember how many times he tripped me and called me nerd in the hallways of KCA growing up. That should finally put an end to all of that I hope.”

With the SPCA looking on nervously, the two former KCA vertebrates pecked and clawed each other verbally before teeing off #1 early Saturday as a very cold and frosty sunrise began to melt away. “The two sounded like twin toddlers fighting over mother’s milk, bickering and bantering about whose driver was longer.” said a bemused Commissioner. “It was too bad the rest of the lads in the league didn’t get to see and hear it. Alas, that would be impossible because most in the KWGA wouldn’t know the directions to the driving range if they were tatted on their lover’s caboose…or shaved into their mother’s back for that matter.” With emotions at their peak, the duel began.

Both men looked tight to begin as both managed double bogies before reaching the 4th tee. Matching Front Nine 42’s meant that The Bird still held a 3 stroke advantage and that all would be decided on the Back Nine as all good competitions should. Air Bud flew the coup and the green on #10 and was unable to get up and down increasing The Bird’s lead to 4 strokes. Both men parred #11, #12 and #13 with the flash points coming as they headed into The Valley. Two Air Bud Bombs landed him on the front edge of #14 green but 70+ feet for eagle. Alas a 3 putt par would gain him nary a stroke as The Bird drained a solid 6 footer for par to keep The Dog at bay. A 7 iron to 14 feet on #15 gave rise to more hope for Air Bud, alas his trickling downhill putt rudely did a 270 degree turn as it lipped the cup. The Bird’s tidy “up and down” from off the green meant that nothing would be gained, pars for both men. “I had a feeling it was meant to be for KK after those two holes.” said an onlooking Commissioner.  “Air Bud didn’t gain a a stroke after 3 gorgeous shots on #14 & #15, deflating I am sure. Then KK teed off #16…and it smelled all too much like an aroma I am all too familiar with…Wayne Burke.” Indeed, The Bird blocked his powerful drive dead into the trees to the right on #16, but a funny thing happened…the ball careened back into the fairway, like an angel had intercepted fate. “I’ve seen 10,000 balls go on that line and maybe 3 have bounced the way KK’s ball did there.” said a downtrodden Air Bud. “The guy had the magic wand out in The Valley. Pretty disgusting actually.” The Bird would make a solid bogey on the devilish 16th and distance himself by another stroke after an Air Bud bladed iron from the middle of #17 fairway.

The final two holes were anti-climatic as The Bird would keep The Dog at bay with a par at #17 and an escape from the left woods on #18 for bogey and a 3 shot victory. The win was the end of a season long quest for personal redemption and validation that there is room in any league for the short and mighty. “I took a lot of heat for my loss last season.” said a beaming Bird. “I travel all week and show up in Saturday’s with whatever game I have that day. It’s not the best formula but it’s all I have time for right now. I would also like to thank Gary Johnson for withdrawing from the playoffs, I wouldn’t have had a chance to redeem myself without him bailing, so I have sent a couple cases of Red Bull to his home. Hopefully his wife will like the perfume I sent along with it.”

For Air Bud, the day was a frustrating one. Just a day earlier he shot an easy 75 during a tune up round but that seemed like a million years had passed by Saturday afternoon. However, 2016 was a positive one for Air Bud as he qualified for the playoffs for the second consecutive season along with three Top 3 finishes on the year. “I found some mojo for the playoffs and gave KK a run today. He just wouldn’t open the door for me much today and my start was terrible.” said a frustrated Air Bud. “It’s hard to battle through 18 weeks and get to a finals, so taking advantage of opportunities for KWGA immortality is paramount. Maybe if I had not poked him on the range, or tripped him so much in the hallways growing up this would not have happened. I don’t know. I am going home now. Time to get ready for the Intercontinental season.”

KWGA FEDEX CUP CHAMPIONS

2016 KEVIN POIRIER

2015 WAYNE BURKE

2014 GERRY ELLIOTT

.

Time has a way of healing all wounds. At least that’s what some say. After a season of disappointment and turmoil the TV legend himself, Bobbert Maxwell-Smart made sure people remembered his name with a resounding gross 73 (net 65) and a two stroke victory over The “Ball Constrictor” Sheriff and 4 shots over a trio of KWGA behemoths at Saturday’s KWGA Tour Championship. The victory was proof-positive that preparation and mental toughness equals success. Maxwell-Smart would put both on display on the perfectly manicured greens with 2 birdies and a Front Nine 35 that threw down a gauntlet of pain for the rest of the field. “I’ve been hitting a lot of fairways and greens lately and today it finally paid off.” said a matter of fact Maxwell-Smart. “This hasn’t been my best season on Tour and it was time I get something on the board with hunting season fast approaching. The KWGA will see me as much as my wife in the next month. I go from looking at a ball that doesn’t move to fur and feathers that run like hell in every direction. If anyone likes rabbit meat, just give me a call.”

Like the elusive rabbits he so loves to pursue, Maxwell-Smart started fast Saturday with a birdie at #2 and another at #8 that put the North Mountain Ranger in a tie for the lead as he made the Turn. After some raisins and nuts and a pep talk from Emma at said Turn, he kept on doing what he is known for, making par after par. Five in a row in fact from #11 to #15 but he still couldn’t shake the Sheriff, a man who has been on a personal mission of debauchery in the season’s final month. The Sheriff’s improbable birdies at the Par 3 13th and 15th holes meant the two stood tied at -7 standing on #16 tee. Maxwell-Smart would go +1 gross over the final 3 holes while The Sheriff reminded us all why he grabs his crotch so much. Finishing +4 gross over the final 3 holes, the Sheriff had much reason to check and see if there was indeed anything in that sack of his. The two shot victory was Maxwell-Smart’s second of the year (first solo) and a cherry on top of an otherwise blase’ campaign. “I know a lot is expected of me but I have a lot of responsibilities. Mail, dogs, wife, children and all the other wildlife that surrounds me up there on the mountain.” said an elated Maxwell-Smart. “I’ve been chased by so many dogs, rolled my ankle on uneven gravel roads that this golf thing isn’t so stressful. That’s the advantage I have. Plus I had the Sheriff as my nearest suitor all day. That’s a lot less stress.”

Not to be outdone or forgotten himself, Grampy found his name near the top of the lederboard and in position to win Saturday after a dominating season that somehow went sour. Maybe it’s the ever-increasing gas bills from his big truck and fancy Mercedes. Maybe it’s Kevin’s newfound love for Old-timers softball and not him, who knows? A gorgeous birdie at #12 put him one shot off the lead at -6 giving rise to “Super Senior Power” once again. However, his phone rang on #13 tee and a double bogey would take back all of the hard work, dropping him 3 shots back. Even a birdie at #14 could not spur another comeback. “I really do have to put that thing away. Maybe when I retire and finally sell that business I will shoot my age. Right now there are too many brown lawns to ignore, too many vehicles to pay for and too many dependents (3) so that will have to wait.”

Also having solid tournaments were The Commissioner and The Angry Bird but neither would make a Back Nine charge. One golfer was too focused on winning the FEDEX Cup while the other was focused on not having a panic attack over delivered trophy’s, rang calculations, pink basket retrieval, explaining what Intercontinental means, not to mention a balky iron game. “People wonder why I sweat so much on the golf course. It has nothing to do with golf.” said an exhausted Commissioner. “I know when I get upstairs to the bar after the round there will be 15 eyes staring and 30 fangs ready to sink their teeth into me after a sleepless Friday night. Now I know what a stripper goes through on a nightly basis. But it’s all worth it in the end. At least Rod has stopped calling me every Saturday around 6pm…He’s learned I am fast asleep by then.”

.The Intercontinental Season (6 Tournaments Sept-Oct)

There still seems to be some confusion about this part of our schedule. The FEDEX Cup was moved to finish the first week of September because it became clear that a lot of you find other pursuits once Labour Day weekend passed. Therefore a “second” season was created. A second chance at glory. Coined after legendary wrassler Randy “Macho Man” Savage and his 10 year reign as WWF Intercontinental Champion, Savage was well renowned at the best wrassler behind Hulk Hogan. That’s what the KWGA Intercontinental season is, a second chance, a best of the rest title. Here is how it works.

1.) SCORING SYSTEM– The same as the FEDEX Cup Point system. Points for a Win right down to 16th place.

2.) PLAYOFFS– The Top 4 (+ties) point-getters from the first 5 events qualify for the Intercontinental Finals. Best net score during that round is crowned Intercontinental Champion.

LET’S HAVE SOME FUN WITH THIS!

.

NEWS, NOTES & QUOTES

-“It was almost like KK was touched by God…or Burkie himself.” ~Air Bud

-An early HAPPY BIRTHDAY to Gerry Elliott who celebrates his big day this Friday!

-“Look, did you see that? Kevin thinks he’s a star because he hit a single in an Old Timer Softball League. He gave up KWGA golf for that? At least Harold had a good excuse. HE had to move his daughter to university!”

If you don’t know by now, there are two KWGA golfers hotter than a Mexican pepper. Double-Double and The Inspector Gadget unleashed their spicy fury on the KWGA at Saturday’s Barclays Championship with matching 65 nets in what was an old time shootout at the KenWo Corral. For Double-Double, Saturday’s outburst was his second in a week and expected. For The Inspector, it was his first event on Tour in a month and not. Their efforts were good for a share of the title and a 2 shot margain over The Sheriff, who shot a season low 79 gross. “You can’t put a price tag on confidence.” said a beaming Gadget. “I haven’t got the golf resume’ that Double-Double has but it’s nice to feel what that’s like just the same. You can’t get that from swimming in ocean cold water in PEI.”

Arriving disheveled and somewhat disoriented Saturday was Gadget and it was understandable after 3 week vacation taking directions from the 3 women in his life. However, nary a par would be had until the Par 4 8th hole. Gadget then went even par gross over the next seven holes, including the forgotten birdie at #13, a stretch that had the gallery singing “Do The Hustle.” Time and again blasted fades found the fairway and putts rolled in like Fat Albert at an All You Can Eat buffet. A 25 foot breaker across the 17th green for birdie gave him a share of the lead with Double-Double and had his playing partners looking skyward, wondering if the Apocalypse had indeed arrived. “Listen, I know that kind of play from a 15 handicap is not what you are expecting.” said a smiling Gadget. “However, I have watched a lot of good golf this summer and you can’t learn when you are talking. It’s a lesson a lot in this league should start to heed. My game is in good shape for the Semi-Finals…and hey, I am a 14 handicap now… not 15… so slow down on the Spanky jokes will ya?”

After a two year drought, some soul-searching and a new prescription, Double Double looks to be back for good after scoring 33 gross on the Front Nine in consecutive weeks. Seven pars and birdies at #7 and #8 made for pornographic viewing in the Elliot Fan Club with his first bogey coming at suddenly his nemesis hole, the Par 3 11th. What he didn’t know Saturday standing on the 18th tee was that all he needed was a par for his second consecutive win, alas, a frustrating bogey meant sharing gas money with The Gadget. “My mind wandered on 18 a bit.” said Double Double. “I started thinking about all the party preparations and those oversized chicken breasts waiting at home. Joan told me a long time ago that whether its chicken breasts or udders, you need to get your mind outta the gutter. I will work on that next week.”

Rounding out the Top 3 was a man hell bent on chaos and “moon” ball drives. A man who knows how to “backside” himself into a corner with ribald tales from his dock days in Yarmouth. A man known for driving a “wedgie” between his playing partners. A man nobody paid attention to golf wise until the pars started to come like FEDEX “packages” to your “back door”. The Sheriff’s Front Nine 41 was just the beginning to a “Backside Nine” 38 that was both awe-inspiring and perplexing. “I know guys don’t respect my golf game.” said a bemused Sheriff. “Nobody seems to respect the police these days. I may not look or dress like a golfer…but my hair is always perfect so they can be jealous all they want. Now if you will excuse me, I have to go put on my Jerry Lewis costume and pick out my bikini for Gerry’s Pool Party.”

Follwing the round, only a scoring snafu would try to derail Gadget in what quickly became known a “Wayne Gate”. After scouring the scorecards, a missed birdie at #13 was discovered, new life was given and a share of The Barclays Championship. The only thing left was an awkward exchange of two-nies between the two winners …and a glance at The Commissioner. “Grampy is excused even though he is on probation after the boating violation two weeks ago.” said The Commissioner. “He had a long week and not much sleep. Anyone could forget a birdie. However, it was one of those ‘tree that falls in the forest’ moments for me personally. Nobody is really paying attention and doesn’t hear or see it because they are already chin deep in burgers and fries on the deck.”

FEDEX CUP PLAYOFFS QUARTER-FINALS

THE BARCLAYS CHAMPIONSHIP

CHRIS RUSHTON 65

KEVIN POIRIER 67

SCOTT WOODWORTH 69

DEREK THOMSON 70

ARNIE KELLEY 70

KEVIN NEWCOMBE 70

HAROLD FISHER 71 (Eliminated)

WAYNE BURKE 75 (Eliminated)

After a grueling and entertaining 16 week regular season, the scene was finally set for the start of the FEDEX Cup Playoffs. Eight men locked inside the proverbial steel cage Saturday in an effort to whittle down to the Top 4 and ties. Grampy Burke dominated the regular season and looked to defend his 2015 FEDEX Cup title after an ill-timed ringette tournament in Toronto. The Commissioner, two years removed from his Finals loss to Double-Double and a year removed from being forced to withdraw from the 2015 playoffs due to injury. Angry Bird a year removed from a devastating loss to Grampy in the 2015 Finals. Telley-Kelley, a man without a career victory yet battling through an injury plagued season to be in a position to do just that, win. A rookie, Inspector Gadget Rushton, white hot at the right time, clamouring for golf respect in the face of bullies and his own buddies. Air Bud Woodworth, making it his personal crusade to let the world know that golfers comes in all shapes and sizes. The Hunchback Newcombe, in again, out again then in again, toying with alternates minds and psyches. Mr. October Fisher, the ultimate golf underdog, looking to carve out his own niche that didn’t involve bricks and mortar. The event overflowed with story-lines.

When the balls finally hit the air everyone soon realized that Inspector Gadget’s 3 week golf sabbatical to PEI would have zero negative effect on his golf game. In his first ever playoff round, Gadget would lead by 1 stroke at The Turn, firing in egg sandwich after egg sandwich to power his way into the semi-finals with a net 65 (-5). “What can I say? I hit 13 fairways in a row, hit about 13 greens and made some putts that would make a grown opponent cry. Gerry was right, I think I may be the best 15 handicap in North America. I sure was today anyway.”

Not to be outdone, the Angry Bird fired his second consecutive sub-80 round on Tour that didn’t include a birdie for the first time in eons, solidifying his place in next week’s semi-finals. The Bird is like watching Craig Stadler in his prime, you can never tell if he is -10 or +10 no matter how long you study his body language from afar or look deep into his eyes. “I have waited 11 long months to redeem myself. The world won’t be right again until last year’s wrong is rectified. Today was only Step 1 in the journey and nothing to get excited about. Now everyone go have a good time at Gerry’s social event.”

Air Bud showed Saturday just why he is dangerous, blasting high powerful draw after high powered draw off the tee. His only blemish a scary yet lucky bounce from the fairway on #4. A pulled iron that was headed 100 yards out of bounds that miraculously hit a lonely tree, riccocheting back into play. His net 69 was good enough to slide into next week’s semi-finals, a round he has already dedicated to Grampy. “Yes, the result of that shot surprised me. I finally found out what makes a Burkie…you have to EXPECT it to happen.”

The real drama came late Saturday in the battle for the 4th and final semi-final berth. The Commissioner, trailing Telley-Kelley and The Hunchback by 4 strokes after a brain-dead double bogey at #12, found his groove with five consecutive pars from #13 to #17 to even up the score. A wedge to 5 feet on #18 meant his playoffs would continue next week but missing the 5 footer also meant breathing life into Telley-Kelley and Hunchback. “I know, I know, I missed that putt and not knocking AK out of the playoffs right then and there may be the death of me later. Grampy had just rammed in a 25 footer for birdie and a rang just before I putted and I couldn’t get his whining out my head before my own putt. I need to be better than that.”

For Grampy and Mr. October, Saturday’s round meant the end of their FEDEX Cup playoffs but not a tear shall be shed. Both men battled insurmountable odds just to get as far as they did. That would be like expecting a porcupine on the side of the road to rise up and magically trundle back into the woods. The 18 wheeler won on this day as Burkie’s magical 2016 ended in tragedy. Suffering physically and emotionally from August ice hockey, the golf game simply wasn’t there on a day where greatness was needed. “I just can’t believe it’s over.” said a distraught Grampy. “Now I know how Miss America feels putting that crown on another beauties head every year.” For Mr. October Fisher, a late season golf swoon could not be stopped as he missed the cut by a lone stroke. A devastating 8 on the first hole meant blood was spewing from the start but to his credit he hung in there like one of his employees high above on a teetering scaffold. “It’s been a good season. I kinda lost my mojo near the end but I gave it what I had.” said a solemn Mr. October. “No one need feel sorry for me though. I will send you a postcard from Ft. Myers beach in January.”

THINGS I LEARNED FROM GERRY’S BBQ SOCIAL

~Some of our members have eating disorders (Wayne & Kevin). After being served their BBQ dinner, they tore into it like 2 pterodactyls fighting over a fallen dinosaur. Their immense fangs first shredding their prey in two followed by one big gulp then disgusted gasps from distinguished guests. Just FYI boys, the Canadian Institute of Ingestion and Digestion suggests chewing your prey AT LEAST 20 times before swallowing. FFS!

~Gerry’s pool is WARM. At a balmy 88 degrees, his salt water oasis soothed and calmed the nerves of even the most ornery KWGA members, so much so, that the League Office is looking into making it an official medical option in place of the many prescribed ad non-prescription medicines currently being used by KWGA members.

~I didn’t realize they let chickens grow the size of Dolly Parton anymore.

~Newk still needs to work on his volume control. However, it’s about the only trait that would lead you to believe he is actually a teacher.

~KK forgot the directions to a KWGA Social again?

~Arnie is a Crip…not a Blood gang member. I spent many years in America’s South…he has no idea how ghetto he looked with that blue doo-rag on his noggin.

~I hadn’t seen that much pink and white meat in one place Saturday since I did an internship at Cornwallis Dairies. On the upside, Gerry DID NOT have to clean his pool filter of excessive hair after we left.

~Someone in our group has psoriasis. Large groups of birds and stray animals from the surrounding woods could be seen scavenging Gerry’s pool for skin flakes at dusk. “Was that your sore or mine Rod?” ~Bear

~Less  than 3 men in an inflatable raft looks wrong.

~Now I know what dog lipstick is.

~The Sheriff knows how to make an exit…and I am not talking about ELVIS.

Gelykwater Bonsmara Bulle

~Gerry and Joan know how to throw a party!

NEWS, NOTES AND QUOTES

~”I think I saw more than the Sheriff intended.” -Anonymous female

~Next Saturday’s Deutsche Bank Championship is also the Semi-Finals of the FEDEX Cup Playoffs. ALL KWGA MEMBERS CAN STILL SIGN UP AND PLAY! Sign up and volunteer boxes have been posted on the website. The deadline to sign up is Monday Night @9pm as usual.

~Good luck to Kevin and Wayne in this week’s Senior Men’s Championship!

~Thanks a MILLION again for a fantastic day Gerry and Joan. It was all that one could ask for and more!

See you next week!

~The Commissioner

Don’t look now…but “Stella’s Got Her Groove Back”. After a two year hiatus from the KWGA winner’s circle, Double-Double Elliott was back in peak form, firing a gross 70 (net 65) to take Friday’s KWGA Men’s Club Championship by one stroke over a suddenly revitalized Telley-Kelley and the man formerly known as KK—K/Angry Bird. Double-Double negotiated his ball through a steady rain on the Front Nine like an Ibis through a hurricane, carding 6 birdies on the day. Gone was the consternation and frustration, replaced by a calm and poise that the KWGA had grown accustomed to during a dominant 2014 campaign. “I felt like Donald Trump out there today.” said a confident Double-Double. “Just busting guys chops for the fun of it and taking home gas money like the old days. My wife was starting to wonder why my Irving bill had been so much bigger the last couple summers. It felt good to fill the ole Ram 1500 up again.”

Putting was the name of Double-Double’s game Friday as the putts dropped from everywhere, starting on #1 with a 17 foot curler for birdie. Back to back jacks at #4 and #5 really got the snowball tumbling downhill and The Doublenator added another at #8, good for a an outward 33 gross giving him a 3 stroke lead. He then turned the back to back trick again at #15 and #16 with solid irons and tidy putts putting him in the driver’s seat heading into the last two holes. However, things would get interesting after an errant drive off #17 tee that found the pond on #18. “Most of us would panic in that situation.” said a wide-eyed Commissioner. “I was over there too and crapping my pants looking at that uphill shot over trees taller than Crowell Tower. Instead he fires one back up on #17 fairway and drains a 26 foot right to left bender for bogey.” With disaster avoided, Double-Double stepped to #18 tee leading by 3 strokes. Again, he found the pond lining #18 fairway with his second shot giving life to Telley-Kelley watching from the tee above. However, a stiffed wedge and 2 putts would be enough to hold off Telley-Kelley, who would need birdie to tie. “The last two holes were a bit scrapey.” said an exhausted Double-Double. “I have some areas to clean up heading into next week but you try staring down Telley-Kelley and an Angry Bird all day. It’s very scary! I am just happy that I got through this with my mental stability intact. That is victory in itself.”

Earning his second straight Top 3 Friday was Telley-Kelley, a man who has fought injury and Irwin Separation Anxiety through the first half of 2016 so much so that the Canadian Institute of Mental Health was forced to add the disorder to its list of diagnoses. Time and again Telley-Kelley found the green with rifled irons and solid 2 putts good for a gross 76 (net 66). He even threw in birdies at #5 and #12 that had his growing fan club clamouring for more. In full attack mode after hearing the news on #16 fairway that Double-Double was “on fire”, Telley-Kelley promptly parred the last two holes in what was almost dramatic fashion. “I can’t complain today. I hit the ball well and gave it the ole college try.” said a beaming but reserved Telley-Kelley. “Winning on Tour is hard. I know that first hand. 66 is good enough to win most weeks but today I needed one more birdie. I can tell I am close though and in peak form for the FEDEX Playoffs next week. If they haven’t taken notice now, Porter’s Trophy Shop will know when my name is inscribed on that trophy. It’s Kelley with an E…K-E-L-L-E-Y”

Friday also saw the continued strong play from the KWGA’s newly feathered friend in Mr. Wildcat, a man many consider to be the golfer in the “handicap sweet spot” the longest in 2016. His Front Nine 42 was less than pretty after a triple bogey at the Par 5 6th hole but still good enough to be -6 net heading into the Back Nine. Pars ar #10, #11, #15 and 16 with a birdie at the Par 5 14th meant feathers were littering the Back Nine. Tied with Double-Double standing on #18 tee all that was needed was par. However a disappointing bogey meant that the KWGA would have to hold off any Bird Dance celebration. “I have more names in this league than Elizabeth Taylor had in her life.” said a frustrated bird. “I did what I could with what I had for a golf swing out there today. I battled, scratched and clawed in the face of a mountain of birdies from Double-Double. It’s not easy watching that knowing you have to try and match in down the stretch. I think my game is ready for the FEDEX Playoffs and that’s the main thing I am taking from today. Now if you will excuse me, the KenWo Staff told me I need to go pick up all my feathers strewn across the fairways and greens.”

GUILTY-BOATING VIOLATION- Section 13 (c)

(GRAMPY, SIMMONS, WALDO)

KWGA members were warned several weeks ago to stay away from all boating and water-related activities after the “Mistake by the Lake” in Aylesford. Yet, three members still strayed from this warning Thursday, just one day before the final regular season event. It pains me to do this but all three members were issued sanctions by The Commissioner’s Office.

GRAMPY- 2 WEEKS PROBATION

( Leniency Granted- First Offense )

SIMMONS- 3 WEEKS PROBATION

(An extra Week- Owned the Boat/Knows Better)

WHERE’S WALDO- 8 WEEKS PROBATION

( Not His First Offense/Visual Evidence )

*Must Report to Probation Officer Weekly and submit to random testing

FEDEX PLAYOFFS

QUARTER-FINALS PREVIEW

#1 GRAMPY BURKE- Our beloved Grampy dominated the regular season with two wins and nine Top 3 finishes in 16 events. The feat rivals the dominance of Double-Double in the pre-net scoring era of 2014. Nobody is more consistent off the tee or better at Par 3 scoring than Grampy. He led the Tour in birdies with 23 and made mincemeat of the field on a consistent basis throughout the summer. However, some sub-par showings to end the season may be hiding a malaise of fatigue in his game. He will also be returning from Toronto at 1am early Saturday morning after an ill-timed hockey tourament adding to his fatigue. Can the scientific phenomenon shake all this off and advance? The deck seems stacked against him but to doubt is to be foolish.

#2 THE COMMISSIONER- A solid regular season was marred by his first winless season of his career. All The Commissioner could muster was a T1 at The Legends way back in May. However, the Major tournaments is where he made hay finishing 3rd at The Masters and 2nd at The Canadian Open giving hope to a man not short on sweat in the big events. On the downside, he missed last year’s playoffs with a back injury so it has been two full years since his last playoff. If the driver and wedge game is on he has a shot, if not, it’s back to watching and writing from the sidelines for the Semi-Finals.

#3 THE HUNCHBACK NEWCOMBE- The Hunchback came on like gangbusters in the season’s second half winning The Players Championship, tying for first at The Cheeseburger Picnic and tying for third at the Goodbye Ladies Championship in three consecutive weeks. The calm and poise seems to be back in his game after a spring of smoke and mirrors. However, Old-Timers Slob Ball and his wife’s return from world-wide travels have become major distractions to a man not known for his ability to concentrate on one thing very long. All that said, he is one of an elite group in the KWGA who can shoot a 63 net making him more than dangerous.

#4 AIR BUD WOODWORTH- Once he figured out all he had to do was show up each week and play half-decent, the playoffs finally became reality for the KWGA’s “Doctor of Destruction”. Like The Commissioner, Air Bud went winless in 2016 but steered his way into the playoffs with Top 3’s early in the season and ability to show up week after week. However, there will be doubters come Saturday as his best finish in the Majors was an 8th at The Players Championship. Does Air Bud have greatness in him…or is he just another stray dog? The Che Rocks will no doubt get a workout this week in preparation.

#5 INSPECTOR GADGET RUSHTON- Not even three weeks off to end the 2016 regular season could eject Gadget from qualifying for the playoffs. That’s just how good he was before leaving for his Family Camping Gypsy Conversion Tour. A win at The Heritage was followed by a T2 at The Players Championship and a final T3 kick in the teeth at The Cheeseburger Picnic. Just how well will this KWGA rookie play after a month layoff under the Tour’s most stressful and grueling stretch will be fun to watch…like an ant under a magnifying glass on a hot sunny day.

#6 TELLEY-KELLEY- The 2016 season’s “Feel Good” and “Comeback Story” of the year is no doubt Telley-Kelley. No golfer dealt with injury more than T-K in what can only be called a minor-miracle. Back straps, laser surgery, knee braces and multiple hot showers were a weekly occurrence just to get on the course making his late season charge up the standings that much more impressive. T-K returns to the playoffs after a semi-final appearance in 2014 and no golfer is frothing at the mouth silently to play well heading into this Saturday. We know the driver will be straight and consistent, the question will be will the irons and putter be razor sharp? If they are, we will see T-K in the semi-finals.

#7 MR. OCTOBER FISHER- A 2016 season of turmoil, change and propellor destruction meant Mr. October’s golf came a distant second. However, The Builder will look to change his late-season struggles into a dedicated run deep into the FEDEX Playoffs. A win at The Herbin Experience and multiple Top 3’s in the season’s first half shows that the ability is there and that par is his friend. Now that his Bromance has returned from Northern BC all seems right in the world once again. In fact, rumour has it his other male half has hired a special Costa Rican belly-dancer to help alleviate any stress heading into Saturday. That can only spell success.

#8 MR. WILDCAT/ANGRY BIRD- For the second straight season, Wiildcat enters the playoffs as an alternate. That’s like being hit by lightning twice. Last season he took advantage of his good fortune, riding it right to the FEDEX Final. The 2016 season has been all about redemption and the KWGA may pay the price once again. No 12 handicap has the ability to make as many birdies so danger lurks on any given day. He has been battle tested at the highest levels of baseball and golf so the FEDEX Playoffs are like making babies to him.

NOTE: Gary Johnson qualified but withdrew from the FEDEX Playoffs due to a nagging job.

NEWS, NOTES & QUOTES

*”Geez Gerry, that looked like a golf shot!” -Commissioner

-Good luck in your next game Kevin….

-Next Saturday Gerry is opening his home for a backyard BBQ and swim. Spouses and significant others are invited. Please email if you plan to attend so that Gerry knows how much food to have. Thanks.

-ALL KWGA MEMBERS ARE REMINDED THAT EVERYONE IS WELCOME TO PLAY DURING THE FEDEX PLAYOFFS! There is still a tournament title and rangs up for grabs…so sign up to play!

See you this Saturday…FIRED UP!

THE FACE OF GOLF IN 2016?

Sometimes the world makes sense…and sometimes it seems like calculus. A maze of doubt and wonderment. How and why did someone invent this anyway? If anyone can explain what happened at Saturday’s KWGA Canadian Open, please forward me the answer. After a spring and mid-summer scuffling on Tour in 2016, Where’s Waldo Murray has once again found the Waterfall of Golf Gravy, that place where the nectar never ends, no matter how much and how hard one squeezes. Waldo’s gross 75 (net 66) was two shots better than The Commissioner and a Big Johnson on a day where winds and a blistering sun quickly baked out KenWo’s greens to bikini wax speed. The victory was Waldo’s second career win and his first Major Championship. “I would like to tell the people I was here at the course at 6:00am hitting balls, getting prepared for my round like The Commissioner and Maxwell-Smart, but I can’t say that. I wish I could say today’s win was about stamina and not a big green hospitality cart, but I can’t say that either.” said a ecstatic Waldo. “Sometimes you just have to chalk it up to lighting in a bottle.”

A cooler than normal, 30-40km whipping wind greeted the golfers very early Saturday morning but things quickly heated up, especially with Waldo’s Front Nine where he traversed in a paltry 34 strokes. The Front included birdies at #3 and #8 with a lone bogey on the devilish lightning quick green that was #7 Saturday. Only a head-scratching double at #12 after a drive that left him 88 yards into the green and a flubbed sand shot on #13 could ruin an otherwise flawless day. Pars on the monstrous 16th and 18th holes wrapped the boa constrictor’s grip and took the air out of any chances for The Commissioner and Biggest Johnson. Waldo’s Back Nine 41 was not flashy but we are all amateurs after all. “Give me your gold, Frankincense and Myrrh.” said a suddenly confident Waldo following the round. “The KWGA has suddenly become my cash cow. A place where I can rape and pillage without penalty. So what do you say about that my simple peasants? Golf is my game but poetry and intellect is my foundation, my love. See you next week…and may your pockets leave empty yet again, my invalid and weak.”

Fast charging on the Back Nine Saturday was the KWGA’s Thunder Flesh, Biggest Johnson, who, after a two week layoff, came to KenWo with what turned out to be cruel intentions. After a pedestrian 42 gross on the Front Nine, Thunder Flesh had everyone running for cover with pars at #10, #11, #12, #13, #15 with a birdie thrown in at the Par 5 #14th. “It looked like the lights coming on at 3am at The Palace in Halifax, and King Kong standing naked in the middle of the dance floor. Girls running in every direction, screaming. No one wanted to get in his way at that point.” said a startled Commissioner. “When someone gets that hot you can either fruitlessly try to run and hide…or frig all the running and try and enjoy the full brunt of it.” Biggest Johnson’s birdie at #14 gave him a share of the lead, but Ann Darrow would elude him in the end. Double bogies at #16 and #18 dropped him into a tie for second in yet another frustrating end to his B-Movie 2016 season. “I can’t say enough about how well The Rocket played those last three holes. The wind was howling in our face all day it seemed, especially in The Valley. I gave it all I had today and that’s all you can ask. Maybe if I didn’t have 250 employees to worry about every day then I could concentrate more on major championship preparations. And the Commissioner complains about organizing 27 people.”

Also making a Back Nine charge Saturday was The Commissioner. A man who battled the sun’s blistering rays as elegantly as a hippo taking a mud bath on the banks of the Serengeti River. His seven 4’s on the Back Nine included a “Burkie Aided” birdie at #14 after a wayward drive that was headed 100 yards out of bounds miraculously ricocheted off of a statuesque pine and settled into the left rough. A 22 foot down hill putt for par at #16 was followed by a 7 foot miss for birdie at #17 and only an eagle at #18 would save any hope.” I made a stupid putt at #6 for par that spearheaded my round.” said The Commissioner. “It must have been 80 feet. I played the Back Nine in 36 strokes so sometimes you just have to tip your hat to your opponent. Rod was buh, bet, better, … than me today. Sorry, I can’t spit that sentence out. I feel like The Fonz trying to say ‘I was ruh, wro..wrong.’ It was a nice day. I got to spend it with my old buddy Prescott, I won a rang, So I can leave the course with my head up high and a smile on my face…and buy an ice cream at Hennigar’s on the way home with someone else’s money.”

Not to be outdone Saturday was a certain Double-Double who blitzed KenWo with 4 birdies in a virtuoso comeback performance. The steely, sparkly glint looked to be back in the KWGA’s future Hall of Famer’s eyes. “It was like seeing a blind man get his vision back….and dropping him in the middle of a nude beach.” said The Commissioner. “The organizing committee put him in Grampy’s group because Grampy has experience in that area.” Double-Double finished in a solid 4th place and was reached for comment from his Ranch in Windsor. “Listen, they all saw today that there are still bullets in my chamber. I know what I am doing out there. My goal is to get primed and ready for a run at the Intercontinental Championship in the Fall. Now if you will excuse me, I have to get my Daiquiri machine cleaned and oiled for Telley-Kelley’s arrival in a couple of weeks. He overheated it last summer and the thing went on the fritz.”

“IN CASE YOU MISSED IT”

*Making any Hall of Fame is difficult. The accomplishment has to be special, it needs to stand out. However, Mr. Bannister-Hennigar’s effort on the 14th hole stood out Saturday morning and became an instant classic. His toss easily carried 70 yards and rattled off the trees and roof of the toilet before resting comfortably on the turf in the long grass. His accomplishment did not need an emergency meeting of the Hall of Fame Committee to consider its merits…it went straight in the Hall, joining Grampy’s yearly contributions, The Commissioner’s own Crow’s Nest Classic and Waldo’s back wrenching effort from a season ago. Congrats Barry! Welcome to the Club buddy!”

*So the jury has come in on Case #003515 from two weeks ago at The Cheeseburger Picnic. After 1 minute of deliberating, a jury of 12 from Aylesford Lake determined that Harold’s propeller MAY have been damaged during an afternoon cruise whilst organizers were busy BBQ’ing ribs, hamburgers and preparing salads. and homemade rolls. However counsel for the accused is appealing the verdict based on the fact that 7 passengers miraculously lost all memory of the incident and were unable to testify. “We think it is a very unjust verdict simply because everyone on board ended up with a concussion. You can’t ask people to remember things after such an ordeal. I mean, they didn’t ask Gilligan and The Captain how they ended up on a deserted island did they?” said counsel. “There were so many factors that contributed to this disaster. People were talking, the wind was at 2 km/hour, it was very sunny, Kevin was being loud. The list goes on.” No word yet on when the appeal will be heard but the judge has asked that all boating, sea-do and paddle boat activities cease and desist until the case has been fully adjudicated.

*The KWGA tallied 23 birdies on Saturday. The total was good for second place all time for birdies in a round. The record is 25 set back in 2015. However, Inspector Gadget Rushton and Carey-Wasczuk are appealing this record because neither were in the field on Saturday.

FEDEX CUP UPDATE

*Where’s Waldo’s victory at Saturday’s Canadian Open vaulted him from 14th to 8th place, just 1.5 points ahead of 9th place Telly-Kelley. He passed the likes of the aforementioned Telly-Kelley, Maxwell-Smart, The Sherrif, KK (stutter) K and the Denim Cowboy setting up a sprint to the finish at Friday’s KWGA Club Championship. All six men still have a mathematical chance to qualify. I wonder what the pairings will look like this Friday? Hmmmm. Let’s have some fun with this!

*Did you hear that sound? That was Inspector Gadget-Rushton exhaling after surviving and making the FEDEX playoffs, barring a mathematical anomaly, even while missing the final 3 weeks of the regular season due to a camping trip. “He has been away so long that his camping trip is starting to rival Third Legge’s “First Date” camping trip in the summer of ’15.” said Commissioner Ford.

NEWS, NOTES & QUOTES

*”Let me tell you the one about the girl with the limp…” ~Guest Tim “Indy” Prescott    A special thanks to guests Tim and Les Radvanyi who made Saturday a fun and joke-filled day on the links. Anytime fellas!

*Gerry informed me that his gathering in Windsor is tentatively scheduled for Saturday August 20. I will inform you all as more information is gathered.

*The deadline to sign up for this Friday afternoon’s KWGA Club Championship is TONIGHT at 9pm. Volunteers to get tee times are also encouraged and accepted without prejudice.

See you this Friday!

~The Commissioner

On a day Halifax paraded its Rainbow Pride and the KWGA used a Rainbow of Tee Boxes, two Hants County men walked the KWGA tightrope in sharing the 2016 Cheeseburger Picnic Saturday afternoon at venerable KenWo GC. Two men joined at the hip and raging through the FEDEX Cup season, Grampy and Hunchback, carded net 64’s and paraded into the sunset, leaving the rest to wonder, is there any stopping this duo? Grampy turned The Hunchback’s trick from just a week ago, firing a 33 gross on the Back Nine, including a stretch where he birdied #14, #17 and #18, while The Hunchback simply went even par 35 gross on the Back Nine to pass a suddenly Greg Norman-esque character in Gadget-Rushton by two strokes. The depravity of their feat, coupled with a very uncomfortable “high five” in Aylesford Lake following the round, turned stomachs from Sydney to Yarmouth. “When you see something like that, it’s very hard for others to understand.” said a befuddled Commissioner. “It’s the same bemused and confused expression that Mr. Furley used to get when he looked at Jack Tripper living with Crissy and Janet on Three’s Company. Does anything actually happen…or is it all in our imagination? That kind of thing.”

With the humidity at the season’s zenith and the threat of thundershowers looming, Grampy’s only stumbles were bogies at #4 and #5 giving him a Front Nine 37. Only a bogey at #15 blemished his Back Nine, and with his 3 birdie Valley, he raced to his car phone to spread the news of his 70 gross to his buddy still playing the final holes below. The Hunchback, having gathered enough sympathy over the last 3 weeks to sink a battleship, once again threw caution and common sense to the wind with birdies at #14 and #17 to join his Hants county Bromance at -6. “Things could not have lined up any better this week.” said a smiling and bespectacled Hunchback. I had my struggles in June and July, spent $200 on Pro V’s alone. I heard the rumours, and spread a few myself about quitting the game and going to work on the UIS Chain Gang. I think people accept and expect my Jekyll & Hyde game now. I am by far the hardest KWGA Pro to handicap and if people don’t accept that, well, then maybe THEY should be the ones putting in an application for the Chain Gang.”

For the 3rd time in the last four weeks, KWGA rookie Inspector Gadget-Rushton landed in the Top 3 Saturday morning in what can only be called a Cinderella Story season. After a 2015 season playing in Triple AAA Glengary Pines, Gadget continued to astound, shooting out of the gates early Saturday with birdies at #3 and #5, grabbing yet another early lead with a Front Nine total of 41. A double bogey at #14 with yet another bogey, bogey, bogey finish to his last three holes was the difference in what otherwise was a stellar outing for a man surrounded and drowning in estrogen at home. “My golf game is coming around.” said a happy yet controlled Gadget. “It’s nice being in the sweet spot and having a chance to win each week, but that freakin’ Hunchback is starting to get on my nerves. He comes to the course with his flashy shorts and reflecting sunglasses…and at this point I just want to help them sink a few cm’s into his nose flesh. I have to find a way to play The Valley a bit better because these guys are gunning for me. Maybe my billet this week for the Canadian Ladies Championship can point me in the right direction for next week.”

               “What? Hunchback did it to me AGAIN??? Not again next week buddy!!”

THE “ALUMNI” EFFECT

“We used to have the steam…Boom, Boom.”

Gathering with old university buddies, playing golf, recounting stories of snipe hunting at The Axe Lounge and Anvil is all well and good, but just what does it do to ones KWGA day? One doesn’t have to look any further than The Shark and The Fogg, two neighbours and golf smiths who were laid to waste at Saturday’s Cheeseburger Picnic, combining for +20 in what can only be called a Windshield and Bug Day. “Listen, what can I say? Some days you are the windshield and some days you are the bug, splattered into gray matter.” said a downtrodden and wilted Fogg. “To say the last 7 days have been a bit full on the social calendar would be a bit misleading. I had the Valley Regional on speed dial for an IV the last three days and plan on taking some hot yoga this week in Centreville in order to cleanse the system a bit. Sharky, you’re coming with me right?”

Both men tried hard…but unlike 1988…They don’t “…have the steam…boom boom…we’ve got the team…boom boom.” to go a full 12 furlongs anymore. A sad day to say the least.

Speaking of cleansing the system. The KWGA had a first Saturday morning. Mr. Wildcat opened his own “KWGA Nature Walk” for any and all members who get that “not so fresh” feeling during their round. Rumour has it that the trail behind #4 green includes refreshments, towels and fully functioning Bidet…and if you don’t feel like finishing your round, a club rack for those who may choose to take in the scenery as opposed to slashing a golf ball around for 14 more holes. “This isn’t a new idea to golfers.” said an angry bird. “It’s just something that I took the bull by the horns with. It doesn’t guarantee that you will play well after you take your walk, but I guarantee you will feel better after my Nature Trail.”

Last but not least, the KWGA’s Denim Cowboy made history as the only member to host Matt Minglewood, OK, some band, the night before a KWGA event. With his FEDEX Cup season on the line, The Cowboy put East End Wolfville on its ear, smashing decibel level records not seen since Janis Joplin’s Gaspereau River Concert circa 1974. Rumour has it that the church across the street shattered and lost some stained glass windows in the debauchery. “I have no comment other than to say that it was Darrell’s fault. Plus the pastor gave us his blessing to have the party…now all that is left is to confess my sins.”

THE EAGLE HAS LANDED

No, I am not talking about Tom Prescott. The KWGA’s first eagle of 2016 was recorded at Saturday’s Cheeseburger Picnic. Weasie Locke’s majestic 6 iron from 120 yards nestled softly into the cup on the Par 4 18th hole in what can only be called gorgeous. “Burkie had just lofted a dandy to 7 feet and The Commissioner had lipped out on #3 for a near eagle earlier, so it was time I took the Main Stage for once. Just like my daughter did in Aylesford Lake….”  WELL DONE WEASIE!!!

                                               GREAT SHOT DAD!

FEDEX CUP UPDATE

With just 3 regular season events remaining on the FEDEX Cup schedule, time is of the essence. Next week’s “Goodbye Ladies” Championship looks to have the smallest field of the year, so some will be looking to take advantage of the situation. With 7th place Biggest Johnson taking another week off and 8th place Mr. Wildcat in Parley Beach expanding his Nature Walk business, the door will be open for players like Maxwell-Smart, Telley-Kelley and The Fogg. The season’s last major, the Canadian Open on Saturday August 6, looms large in deciding just who will qualify for the playoffs. “Summer is a busy time for a lot of guys but the hope is that we can have a bit of a pennant race feel to these last 3 events.” said a beaming Commissioner. “Playing amateur golf under pressure is fun and like watching fish bouncing off the dock. No matter how many times you see it…you can’t look away.

The playoffs are set to begin on Saturday August 20 with The Barclays and run through Saturday September 3. If you know you cannot make these events now, please let me know ASAP. Thanks.

AYLESFORD LAKE

After a hot, muggy, rainy and then sunshiny day on the links, all that was left was a BBQ and Boat Ride Day on gorgeous Aylesford Lake. The elephant in the room Saturday was that one of our members had lost their father…Harold and Catherine, for you to open your home to us during this most difficult time was amazing. I know I personally look forward to my one Aylesford Lake Day all year long. I, along with the rest of the fellas in the KWGA, appreciated your gesture more than words or a homemade card could convey. The food and hospitality made me glad I was raised in a small town because the people make the place….homemade rolls don’t hurt either!!!!  THANKS A MILLION AGAIN!

PS…BOATING CANCELLED IN SUMMER of 2017

News, Notes & Quotes

*”Nick, I have never seen anyone’s tee shot off #17 tee in the woods behind 18 green before! WTF happened?” ~The Commissioner

*Saturday’s “Red, White & Blue Tee” Event produced 16 birdies and 1 eagle! Great shooting out there fellas!

*There is one spot available to play at Paragon Tuesday at 12:45 with me, Burkie and Norm Batherson. Email me if you are interested in playing.

See you next week!

~The Commissioner

On a day the KWGA set a record for most golfers below net par for a tournament, one man stood above the rest at Saturday’s second Major, The KWGA Players Championship. The man simply known as “Hunchback” Newcombe blitzed KenWo’s Back Nine with a gross 33 which included birdies at #14, #15 and the finishing #18 to snatch victory from the jaws of defeat in winning the 2016 KWGA Players Championship by one stroke over a disbelieving Inspector Gadget-Rushton, and the rest of the KWGA. The irony in the victory was that just days earlier Hunchback had threatened to take up roofing and/or irrigation work for the rest of the summer. “I can’t explain golf sometimes.” said a toothy Hunchback. “It comes and goes like laundry. In the spin cycle and down the drain some days. Other days I throw in dirty clothes, and my panties come out dry and folded. Something took over me in The Valley today. Maybe it was the leisurely cart ride with The Denim Cowboy. Maybe it was my last days of freedom before my wife gets back from Italy…or just maybe it was the Coors Lite taking the edge off a bit. All I know is that Grampy’s “Underground Irrigation Systems Chain Gang” won’t be seeing me anytime soon. Roofing and irrigation in 90 degree heat is for the birds. I’d rather be bossed around at home.”

The early story Saturday was the continued late season surge from Inspector Gadget-Rushton whose mid-week golf sojourn to Cape Breton turned sour, which threatened to upset his current form. However, after a late week lesson on the range from his litter, Gadget came out swinging early Saturday with pars on his first four holes, finishing with a Front Nine 39, giving him a 4 shot lead as his Back Nine commenced. A birdie at #12 salvaged messy back to back double bogies at #10 and #11 narrowing his lead to three strokes heading into The Valley 5. Gadget casually strolled by The Commissioner all smiles as the two crossed paths on #16 fairway…but carnage was to ensue. “He looked very upbeat and content, like a stray dog taking a nap on some countryside railroad tracks.” said The Commissioner. “It’s just Gadget didn’t know the train known as The Hunchback was hurtling down the tracks…and someone had tied Gadget to the rail. I knew it might get messy.” A double at #16, and bogies at #17 and #18 meant all Gadget could do was hold on to the train’s front grate and hope the KWGA-SPCA could save him. However, it was not to be as The Hunchback angrily put his train in reverse and ran over Gadget again with a back-stabbing birdie at #18. “You have to give credit to The Hunchback today.” said an emotionally bruised and battered Gadget. “The man was a Conductor of Pain for me today. I figured I had this one in the bag the way I was playing, chipping in, putting. I guess today just proves Majors are hard to win. Next year I plan on driving the train…not sleeping on the tracks like a stray dog.”

Speaking of beaten, stray dogs. Perhaps no KWGA Pro has taken more heat this season for his lack of production. Where’s Waldo was even called out by The Commissioner last week…and low and behold the magic returned Saturday morning. Waldo’s gross 73 (net 64) was his best score since his record-breaking 66 gross at The Heritage two seasons ago. His third place finish at The Players Championship Saturday meant the New Minas cellar-dweller no more is back in the FEDEX Cup Playoff Race. “Fellas, I had three birdies out there today so you can suck my thumb.” said an indignant Waldo. “They can talk about me being washed up all they want, I know I have it in me to play well. I’m good at other things as well, like shooting basketballs, singin’ ‘n dancin’, tanning and smoking Gary’s cigars. I plan to add to my repertoire later this summer with a FEDEX Cup title.”

Rounding out the Top 3 this week was one of the tournament hosts, The Fogg, who found lightning in a bottle with a Front Nine 38 gross that put him smack dab in the hunt for a win. However, double bogies at #13, #14 and #18 proved to be too much to overcome. Inspired by an early taste test of his chili before leaving for KenWo in morning, The Fogg belched and birdied #5 to give him a much needed boost to a season that hasn’t lived up to expectations. “I had a lot to do this week but a lot to play for as it turned out. It felt good to be in the hunt again on the Back Nine.” said a relaxed Fogg donned in his wet suit. “Pars are my friend out here. I always have to remember that. They are like having a wet dog to wake you up every day. Dependable, Joy-inspiring. If I knew chili was going to make me play this much better I would make it every Saturday…but I don’t think my wife would like that.”

THE AFTERMATH

TUPPER LAKE

OK, so where do I begin? So much material, so little space and time. Let’s just say that if you missed it, you missed many laughs, a chance to swim in fresh water, great chili and BBQ, thunder, lightning, and a chance to honour two Valley patriarchs. In other words, you missed what is the foundation of the KWGA. What a great day!

For everyone’s mental health, let’s start with the highlights.

HIGH-LIGHTS

*The Sheriff made his second Social Event appearance in 2016, albeit for 5 minutes.

*Food and hospitality. Mike, your chili was as tasty and textured as paddling a canoe on a lake without a ripple. Mark, your BBQ skills were “bang on” my friend. Thanks for the efforts boys….and wives!

*The “Third” Legge brought his mini-hound dog puppy. Watching it’s horrified face as it was given its first bath in Tupper Lake was like watching microfiche coverage of The Biggest Johnson’s wedding day. Panic, sweating and threatening to back out of its harness. Thank-you for that entertainment Jeff!

*Thunderstorms and torrential rain. How can you not love a good thunder and lightning storm? Warm water. Reprieve from the humidity. But watching five hold outs huddle under a 5 foot umbrella trying to avoid the rain’s wrath was priceless. That’s why people 6’5 run inside (hint hint)…lightning rods. If that wasn’t Gordie and Bill talking to us, there aint no such thing.

*I am happy to announce that there were no water/boating safety rules broken this year. Great job guys!

*Don’t ever say that Rod has never contributed…

LOW-LIGHTS

*The Sheriff made his second Social Event appearance in 2016, albeit for 5 minutes.

*The Players Champion (Hunchback) left his wet underwear on the lawn. The gallery scrambled to find tongs, a shovel, anything to try and remove the eyesore from the premises. “We were all enjoying ourselves… and to have to look at bugs, flies and small animals peck away at his drawers laying 5 feet from us was not conducive to proper digestion. Not to mention their colour scheme. I think he still wears kids underwear. I thought I saw a Superman logo on them.” ~The Commissioner

*Speaking of colour schemes. If Grampy and The Hunchback didn’t shop for their swimsuits together, then I am under 250 lbs. There must have been a 2 for 1 sale at Woolworth’s or something. They looked like Dumb and Dumber. Thanks for the giggle!

*The Commissioner became the first sober member to ever knock a drink out of someone’s hand and a social gathering. Of course I did it to one of the tournament hosts, not some “Schlub” who I compete against every Saturday. Maybe I should start drinking again. (Sorry Shannon)

*The day after eating 2 bowls of chili and multiple sausages…but maybe some of you enjoy that?

GORDIE & BILL…TREES IN HEAVEN

What a privilege it was for me to announce to Mark & Mike, on behalf of the entire KWGA, that two trees would be planted on KenWo’s grounds in honour of their fathers. They don’t make ’em like Gord and Bill anymore. Thanks also to all members of the KWGA who jumped on board this project and contributed. I just hope that the KenWo brass doesn’t put those two trees in a place where the KWGA has a tendency to stray with their errant drives!

News, Notes & Quotes

*The KWGA set a record Saturday for most golfers under net par (10 golfers). GREAT PLAYING BOYS!

*Next week’s tournament sign up and volunteer boxes have been posted on the website.Deadline to sign up is the usual, MONDAY @9:00pm. Volunteers are appreciated.

*Harold, The KWGA’s thoughts and prayers are with you during your difficult time. Hang in there Bud!

*This week’s trivia question…Who was happy about the rain Saturday? Grampy or The Denim Cowboy? See you next week!

There may be some dust on the bottle…but every once in a while you blow it off…and you find a fine wine. So it was Saturday morning as Rene “Shooter” MacKay turned back the clock and looked like a 40 year old Cabernet Sauvignon on the fairways and greens of KenWo GC, firing a sweet and silky 71 (65 net) to take home one of the KWGA’s most coveted titles, the Holly Sonders Golf Channel Memorial, for his first career KWGA victory. The Shooter had been criticized over a career winless streak that had spanned 3 seasons but that all came to an end Saturday. “This is the first year my wife has let me play for Holly.” said a beaming Shooter. “I spent many a day on the sofa when I was single watching Holly on the Golf Channel in my Under Armour, so to win her tournament, I can’t just put it into words. It’s like a movie coming to life in a way. I know this win will make the boys more jealous than any other week on Tour. Everyone wants to win Holly.”

With the Golf Goddess looking on, The Shooter seemed both excited and jangled as his opening tee shot flared wildly to the right, making his 15 pars on the day that much more remarkable. A Front Nine 37 got even better with a birdie at #13 that sent his round into overdrive. Word spread quickly around the hallowed grounds as a 71 sighting out of the former Provincial Jr. killer had been as likely as a drinking spree with Sparkles and C-Mac. The Shooter than ran through The Valley 5 Gauntlet with 5 straight pars to put the bow on a pretty prom dress, giving him a victory lap cushion and a victory to savour. “I had forgotten what it was like to mentally grind on golf, when all eyes are on you and you have to perform. There were more things going on in my group than a fire drill at a Youth Hostel.” said The Shooter. “When you consider I had Grampy playing a match with Bobby T. and Maxwell-Smart giving me parenting and pet tips, that’s a heavy load. “Winning a KWGA event is great…but winning Holly’s tournament makes that 6am alarm clock all worth it.”

Another man made mincemeat out of The Valley 5 Saturday in a bounce back performance. Just one week after a 91 gross, Mr. Wildcat Poirier corrected the error of his ways, firing an 80 gross (67 net), to catapult to 6th from 9th in the FEDEX Cup Standings. The career second baseman sniped birdies at #6 and #14, setting fire to a round that had Magic 97 FM scrambling to get their “Summer Fun” caravan to KenWo’s grounds. “People can say all they want about me when I am not around but what they can never say is that I will lay down in the face of competition.” said a steadfast Wildcat. “The Sheriff can tease me about my son being taller than I am all he wants. Or Gavin can say he wears sexier golf attire than I do. I don’t care. The KWGA is about dealing with these kinds of distractions, firing back…and having fun. I don’t drive from Halifax every Saturday expecting to get kisses, so when I win the “I Bagged Holly Back Nine” contest, hell yes I am going to gloat!”

Rounding out the Top 3 this week was perhaps the KWGA’s Quietest Golfer. A man of few words, fewer fingers and for the first 2 months of his KWGA career, even fewer birdies. However, all that changed Saturday morning as Hacksaw Schofield, who went birdie-less again, dug deep when it counted most to finish with his best score of the season (68 net). “I am sure many in this league are wondering if I am a golfer.” said a relaxed Hacksaw. “I know I give off this air of nonchalance but there is a fire inside to compete and play well. Getting comfortable in these surroundings after a two year layoff has been difficult. It’s kinda like a convict re acclimating into society after doing a stint in the penitentiary. I find myself staring at birds and chasing squirrels when I am out on the course now. I need to stop that. I see bigger and better things in the season’s second half.”

FEDEX CUP UPDATE

With just five weeks left in the regular season, the race for playoffs spots has heated up. Two remaining Majors loom large with the KWGA Players Championship next week and the Canadian Open on August 6 and that means everyone is still alive for the right to play for the title. Injuries and family vacations have derailed some players’ efforts to crack the Top 8 but two good showings in the Majors would be just the tonic to doing just that. Grampy Burke continued his dominance of the standings after another solid performance at The Sonders. He could take the rest of the regular season off, like he does playing the blue line in his old-timers hockey league, and still make the playoffs. The Commissioner seems comfortable, simply showing up week after week and gobbling up points.

WHO TO WATCH FOR

Perhaps the early season’s biggest surprise has been the play of KWGA Chris “Inspector Gadget” Rushton who has skyrocketed into the Top 8 with a win at The Heritage two weeks ago along with several other Top 5’s. Mr. Wildcat Poirier has also worked his magic lately, jumping three spots this week, from 9th to 6th. There is no doubt the Kentville product feels a sense of urgency to make up for last season’s debacle in the FEDEX Final. Making waves below without much fanfare is last season’s surprise, The Sheriff, who has shown signs that he may be dropping weight, his cell phone during rounds and a few lower scores that have him teetering on the brink of the playoffs. But can he sustain his concentration long enough? Or will his house of golf come crashing down like some rotten siding? Only time will tell.

ARE YOU STILL THERE?

Johnny “The Denim Cowboy” Kenny began the 2016 season with a solid start. However, a mid-season injury seems to have derailed the Wolfville magnate. However, word has it that he has shrugged off the injury and his doctor’s advice and will be returning to the Tour very soon. Let’s hope so, because the world needs more Johnny Kenny’s…and men who still wear denim. Kevin “The Hunchback” Newcombe’s Tour sebbatical looks to be over as trips to PEI, Cape Breton and Lower Canard are in the rear view mirror. With his wife away in Italy on a paper and bottle drive raising funds for his many habits, more time can be spent on hitting balls and the bottle, a scary thought for the rest of the KWGA. Lastly, Where’s Waldo? I mean it…where has he been all season? Nobody knows how to circle the wagons quite like Waldo…can he muster up two solid Major outings and sneak back in the playoff hunt? Or will the maddening magnetic draw to Gigglers Bar and Bowling simply be too much for this once grand champion?

KWGA PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT

I don’t know about you, but admitting you have a problem is difficult. One of the most common issues most men have on a hot and humid golf outing is sweating…and with sweating comes salt. What is common knowledge is that sodium and chloride are both corrosive substances that can cause serious teet irritation. The common fallacy is that scotch tape or butter will eliminate this problem. Not true. The only thing that will truly eliminate this problem is a cow lick and a buddy’s understanding smile. No more suffering in silence guys…you are not alone. Personally, I am tired of walking KenWo’s fairways all summer suffering without as much as an understanding glance or smile. So no more ignoring your buddy or feeling uncomfortable saying anything. Thank-you for your support.

NEWS, NOTES & QUOTES

*”I should be home in bed…but I am here…giving everyone else pnuemonia (ENTER WHOOPING COUGH SOUND EFFECT HERE).” ~Weasie

*”Where’s The Hunchback this week fellas? It’s Special Olympics day here at KenWo. I knew he would get lost…or did he just mix in? Either way, I’m confused” ~The Commissioner

*During the week of July 25-29 KenWo is closed for members for the Canadian Ladies Championship. There was not enough interest in a Digby overnight trip. So here is Plan B.

Tuesday July 26- PARAGON GC ($30)- Paragon is giving a lowered rate to KenWo members during this time period.

Thursday July 28- CHESTER GC (TBA)- I will post details of cost once I hear back from Rene.

Let me know if you are IN for either of these day trips. I will post a running list on the right side of the website.

*Next Saturday is a MAJOR TOURNAMENT (KWGA Players) and a social gathering after golf in Tupper Lake @ Mike and Mark’s cottages. All are welcome to attend. IT IS A CO-ED EVENT SO FEEL FREE T BRING YOUR SIGNIFICANT OTHER. Hope to see everyone there!

*TOURNAMENT AND TEE TIME VOLUNTEER BOXES HAVE BEEN POSTED ON THE WEBSITE. The deadline to sign up is Monday @9pm.

See you next week! FIRED UP!

~The Commissioner

WASN’T IT WORTH COMING OUT THIS WEEK RENE?

If you had Chris “Inspector Gadget” Rushton winning a tournament in his rookie season, please raise your hand. I’m sure not many raised one but it didn’t matter one bit to Gadget Saturday morning at the fabled KenWo GC. Coming off a lackluster Masters and a triple bogey 7 at the first hole it looked like more of the same was in store. However, a stunning 41 on the Back Nine in gale force winds helped cap a storybook finish as Gadget held off a fast-charging Bob Maxwell-Smart and a fast-fading Sheriff Amirault to capture his first KWGA title by one stroke in just his ninth career start. “Things didn’t look good after that triple bogey, then I hit #2 green off of #3 tee, so I didn’t feel like I had my “A” game right from the get-go.” said a surprised Rushton. “I made a great bogey on #2 and that seemed to settle me down a bit. I was also motivated by playing with 2 guys Harold and I destroyed at the Coors Light 2 Man Scramble back in June. I got the same feeling from them as the Globetrotters do when they see the Washington Generals.”

With The Sheriff ballooning on the final 3 holes, the door was left open for Gadget who only needed a bogey on #18 to win. However, with the wind at its height and blowing straight into Gadget’s suddenly ashen face, he received saddening text that his golfing mentor Harold had already left the grounds. Gadget would be left on his own to try and close things out. A solid drive still left him 218 yards from the green. Conventional wisdom screamed for a lay up 9 iron…but conventional wisdom and victories do not come easy to 17 handicaps. A flared hybrid clattered off line and into the big green tree (I think its a fir) 80 yards from the green…but in the foot high heather grass. A miracle hooked pitched crashed off the bank and settled 20 feet under the hole for what could only be called Golfing Bliss. “I really thought he had no shot at all.” said a startled Commissioner. The angle was bad, overhanging tree limbs, wind, pressure. The shot of his KWGA career no doubt.” A solid two putts later and the victory was his. “Winning makes you feel like a golfer for a day.” said a now beaming Gadget. “The only problem was that I only got to celebrate with 3 people. We had some grouping issues and some hackers ahead of us who were all over the world all day so the boys had cleared out by the time I got up there. Hopefully next time the TV cameras will find me when I play well.”

Making a resurgence Saturday was another TV cartoon of sorts, Bob Maxwell-Smart, who shook off some early season rust to run roughshod over the Back Nine, shooting a mind-boggling 36 in a swirling gale to finish in second just one stroke back. The only hiccup came at the Par 4 12th where his concentration was broken ever so slightly by his dog…or a feminine feline of some sort, slashing balls on the range. Whatever the case, Maxwell-Smart came up with the goods when it mattered most shooting a league best 76 gross. “Great day out there for me. My low ball-flight works well for me in the wind. I’m not quite LIMBO LOW like that Irwin character, but I know what I am doing out here.” said a smiling Smart. ‘There is a void on Tour now for a low ball hitter now that Irwin’s back to coaching. Hopefully this will carry over to next week…or the Limbo contest at Harold’s in a few weeks.”

Also having a golf epiphany Saturday was none other than The Sheriff, who, paired with old bum-buddy Smart, crashed the party for his first Top 3 in a Dog Year. A startling 38 Front Nine included 5 pars a birdie at #5 giving him the lead at The Turn. However, two hot dogs, a coke and a quick trip to the women’s washroom seemed to change the momentum of the round. “I know myself better than that.” said The Sheriif. “Every time I use that washroom I tend to drift a bit mentally. I started thinking about things other than golf, and POOF, my game went to sh**.” Indeed, after sneaking in some Bromance Time, The Sheriff threw in a double bogey at #12 and a triple bogey at #16 to lose grasp of his third career victory. “I could feel my napkin start to slide upward and it all just became too uncomfortable.” said a downcast Sheriff. “They don’t make them like they used to. Thanks anyway Bob.”

Ceratinly last but not least, the man simply known as Grampy captured his 8th Top 3 in 9 starts this season with a solid +1 round, increasing his lead in the FEDEX Standings to the point he could start actually working again and not have to worry about losing a spot in the playoffs. “Grampy has been nothing short of amazing this season.” said a star-struck Commissioner. “He is a guy we can promote without hesitation. He brings fans through the turnstiles week after week with very little controversy. Of course, that’s if you don’t include him living in sin.” The Windsor Spitfire did not card a birdie in his round of 77 and he let tournament organizers know that he did not agree with the course set up. “If they want me to do well, they need to do a better job of putting the pins in open areas…or group me with some better players.” said Grampy. “They knew I would be in a bad mood with Kevin away this weekend.”

THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS…

…WHEN YOUR GOLF BUDDIES DESERT YOU

“IS THIS WHERE YOU TEE IT UP?”

So, injuries happen and a fella can oversleep after a few too many Friday libations. Heck, I have “Rob Ford” as a league moniker because I overslept the first tournament of 2014. However, I am sure my group 2 years ago didn’t have to deal with what Mr. Gadget and I had to deal with Saturday. With Kelley out due to a stitch/cramp/menstrual cycle, and White still recovering from a Friday of indulgence, The Commissioner and Gadget stood together, naked and exposed to THE KENWO STARTER Saturday morning, who quickly took the opportunity to join us up with two golfing morons. “It was like watching two children fight for their mother’s milk.” said an exasperated Commissioner. “Taking 3-4 foot putts and fist pumping over made 2 footers for par, running commentary of every shot, teeing the ball 2 feet in front of the tee blocks.  It was like everything I heard about a round of golf with 2 brothers from Windsor. We missed you Mike and Arnie.”

THIS ISN’T WHAT HAPPENS…

…WHEN YOUR GOLF BUDDIES DESERT YOU

“Mr. Commissioner, we have someone who can’t find a game this morning. Do you mind if she joins you?” ~KenWo Satff

INJURY/MISSING IN ACTION REPORT

The KWGA season is a long a grueling affair, not for the faint of heart or thin-skinned. Ten weeks of the season have been completed and we have some men who are down, possibly out, missing, left the continent and/or injured. KWGA beat reporter “Scoop” McCracken was thereby summoned to get an update on several of the recently fallen.

“THE DENIM COWBOY” KENNY (Disabled List)

“C’mon Darrell…Say Uncle!”

BARRY BANNISTER-HENNIGAR (Missing)

“Honey, is there ANY chance we have outgrown this annual Toronto trip?”

JEFF “THIRD” LEGGE (Missing)

“Honey, the boys are teeing off in 30 minutes. Can we go now?”

News, Notes & Quotes

*”I can’t believe Harold didn’t stick around to see my win. He chose that freaking cottage over me…again! (sniffle)~Rushton

*We are looking for 3 more golfers for an overnight Digby trip on Tuesday July 27-28 during the Canadian Ladies Championship week at KenWo. (John Amirault is included in the 9, so we may only have 8.). Get in touch with me if you can come join us or let me know of anyone the KWGA (within reason) who may also be interested.

*The KWGA wishes Nick Waszczuk a safe and happy camping/hunting/fishing/hemp planting mission in Northern BC. We look forward to your return in August buddy!

*Next week is the Holly Sonders Golf Channel Memorial. Sign-up and tee time volunteer boxes have been posted on the website. The deadline to sign up is Monday Night at 9pm. We will be joined by Bob Thompson who will be taking on Wayne Burke in a match. The duo tied their 18 hole match last week. So this is Round 2 tie-breaker. Good luck Wayne!

*A reminder that we have 2 social events in July. Make plans to attend one or both. They will be dandies!

Saturday July 16-Tupper Lake (Mike & Mark)

Saturday July 23- Aylesford Lake (Harold)

See you next week!

~The Commissioner

On a day that KenWo shone bright, Brent “Weasie” Locke shone the brightest, winning the 2016 KWGA Masters by two strokes over Arnie Telley-Kelley, eradicating a lifetime of short jokes and giving him his first Major Championship. The Halifax Co. debutante used a steely nerve and a string of pars to knock down all comers in a tournament that featured a record field of 22 KWGA Pros. No one could have predicted a green jacket for The Wease after a pair of flame outs to start his 2016 season. But flame outs are what this man is famous for…along with wrecking a BMW on a golf vacation, but I digress. “Making golf history was not something that I figured was ever in the cards for me. “said an overjoyed Weasie. “I figured maybe a 20 point buck or a 1,000 tuna, but not a Green Jacket. I didn’t even know they had my size, not to mention a tye-dyed t-shirt. I feel like the kids at my orphanage when I take them the Bill Lynch Fair! I’d trade in 100 stuffed bears for this green jacket any day.!

Weasie’s Masters began with three pars in his first four holes, ending in a Front Nine 40 that gave him a three stroke lead heading to the Back Nine. Pars at #10, #11 and #12 extended the lead to six strokes and all that stood between him and a green jacket was a meltdown of Greg Norman proportions. A double bogey at 14 showed the first chink in the armour and another double at #16 had some running for the woods to unload chunks. So there he stood, on the 18th tee with a 4 shot lead and Masters glory on the horizon. A skinny drive to the right left Weasie 199 yards from the green, a full hybrid to carry the daunting pond. As he stood over his shot, a voice within began to talk the KWGA’s Smiling Assassin out of his hybrid. IN a dramatic change of heart, out came the pitching wedge. However, the safety shot turned into near calamity. Weasie bladed his safety wedge and it top-spinned dangerously close to the pond’s edge. With the near disaster averted, another wedge left him pin high, but in the rough on the side bank. “I knew when I looked at that lie it wasn’t going to be easy.” said a relieved Locke. “I could have easily bladed that thing across the green and into the pond. I know it all wasn’t pretty but this is The Masters and it’s not going to be a cake walk getting it into the hole on #18. Thank God I was wearing depends. The Jacket Ceremony would have been embarrassing.” Weasie managed to chunk his chip out of the rough and then calmly lag a 22 footer to 2 inches and a 2 stroke victory. “This is the culmination of a lot of practice, patience and ultimately a lot of changed diapers. I can’t wait to defend my title next year.”

Weasie avoided his own “Tin Cup” moment on #18 Saturday by taking out the wedge.

Making a return to The Masters in a big way was Arnie Telley-Kelley. A man many had given no shot to win on Saturday. His 2016 season has been marred by injury and not much was expected. However, you can measure 6 irons, putts and distances to the flag but you can’t measure what is in a man’s heart. Against all odds, Telley-Kelley came out solid as a rock with pars at #1, #2 and #3 and adding another at #9 for a Front Nine 41. His Back Nine featured 5 pars and 4 bogies for an Inward 39 giving him a net 70 and runner-up finish. “I guess I turned back the clock a bit today. It was nice to be in the hunt again and play well on a big stage. I’ve been struggling to start the season but there are two more majors and many more tournaments to go, so I am not out of the FEDEX Cup playoffs yet. Nobody likes a pit bull attached to their ass and that’s exactly what I plan to be to some of those guys ahead of me. Weasie played a bit better than me today, so I tip my hat off to him. I am moving on to next week.” said Telley-Kelley. “I can’t wait to tee it up again.”

Grampy looked calm and relaxed as he teed off #1 at Saturday’s Masters.

Rounding out the Top 3 was none other than the KWGA Grandpa himself, Mr. Burke who was tied for the lead after a par at #13. However, double bogeys at #14 and #17 derailed a man on a mission of destruction. After a week of preparation in PEI, Grampy seemed razor sharp and the odds on favorite to win. “I think I overtrained. Too many rounds and cocktails on the Island.” said a disconsolate Grampy. “I think I faded a bit on the longer holes on the Back NIne and it cost me. Maybe one less rum a day would have served me well today but I gave it a good go today. It’s hard being the hunted all the time but it’s something I have to get used to. Heaven knows my VISA bill is hunted at home, so I should be well versed on how to deal with it.”

Tied with Grampy in 3rd was the Marathon Man Barry Bannister-Hennigar, a man who had won on Tour already in 2016 and was primed for a breakout win. Birdies at #13 and #17 gave hope that with a Weasie collapse there could be hope, alas, he came up short. “Listen, I am just happy when I can get out the door on a Saturday morning without anyone hanging off my legs. It’s not as easy as you think.” said a smiling Hennigar. “I had phone calls of support from Prescott, Woody and Trump, so I was fired up to play today. My start wasn’t good enough today but I think I did myself proud. Plus I won a sleeve of Pro V’s with a close approach to #13. My wife had cut off my Pro Shop account, so those balls are a welcome sight.”

CAPTAIN SHITACULAR? MORE LIKE CAPTAIN “CUT-OFF”

In a mathematical anomaly, The Commissioner and Captain Shitacular Levy simply couldn’t get away from each other at Saturday’s Masters…or should I say Levy just kept cutting him off! Both golfers started their rounds 5-3-4, both birdied #8 and #15 while Levy’s 2 iron to 7 feet on #15 bettered The Commissioner’s sand wedge to 8 feet. “A frustrating day to say the least.” said a beleaguered Commissioner. “I see the guy once a month and all he keeps doing is costing me money. To top it all off, I have to grit my teeth and smile at a guy like The Sheriff and hand him rang money for birdies at #6 and #12…#6 and #12 fellas!!!! You have to be lucky AND good to win rangs I guess. Go get some f*^^*&*& lottery tickets boys….QUICK!

A KWGA GOODBYE

Saturday’s Masters was the final tournament in 2016 for the KWGA’s whirling dervish Doug “The 4th Reich” Irwin. Doug heads back to Germany to begin the European KWGA Tour with stops in Inverness, Cape Breton, The United Kingdom and finally back in God’s Country, Bavaria, Germany. 2016 was not a stellar season for Doug but thank-you for bringing your very unique brand of golf for us all to see. Also, thank-you for opening your home to us for a social BBQ. I was always curious to see the inside of that doll house buddy. Good luck with your upcoming season and hopefully it brings you a championship. Lastly, make sure you have plenty of warm milk and crackers for when Burkie visits…he gets gas at night and it helps him sleep. From all the boys in the KWGA we hope to see you again in 2017! Der Weg ist lang…aber das Warten is schlimmer.

NEWS, NOTES & QUOTES

*”You don’t have to worry about sizing the Green Jacket for me today Mr. Commissioner.” ~Chris Rushton    The utterance came as Inspector Gadget and The Commissioner criss-crossed the 16th and 17th holes.

*Defending Masters Champion Nick Levy acquitted himself well. The New Minas bombshell won the Best Masters Outfit Award with his double lime green doosie. He also had two more birdies, giving him 5 birdies on Tour this season in just 3 events.*

*Fellas, we have been coming up short $2-6 dollars a week on the “kitty” and net prize money. It may not seem like much but that money is used to pay for our social events and our weekly winner. When you win and eat, you will want that money there. Make sure you bring a couple of loonies each week…it makes the math and my job so much easier. Thanks.

*A special thanks for Rene and his staff for their help this week in (a) giving us a deal on the Pro V’s for prizes and (b) Staff member Liam ran out and placed the closest to the hole markers on the course on short notice. Your help and continued support of the KWGA is greatly appreciated!!

*Also, a thank-you to Calvin and Randy who filled in the foursomes on short notice.

*Next Saturday July 2 is the Heritage Invitational. The sign-up boxes and volunteer boxes have been posted on the website. The deadline is Monday Night at 9pm. Hope to see you all out again!

~The Commissioner

EVEN WHEN I LOSE…..I WIN

THE FAVORITES…TEACHER’S PETS

GRAMPY BURKE (1-1)– You can’t win twice, finish in the Top 3 in six of seven events to start the season and not be considered the favorite. His dominance to start the year is as surprising as the tufts of hair that remain on that golden noggin of his. Throw in the fact that the Golf Gods shine down brightly on this Windsor spitfire and you have all the ingredients for a champion. His past Masters results are solid but not spectacular with a 4th, 6th and T9 and the the one unknown is just how well he played in PEI this week…and how much booze he may or may not have consumed.

Will we see this Saturday morning if Grampy’s Masters starts to slip away?

THE BIGGEST JOHNSON (2-1)– Ok, so it’s not normal a retired adult film star should be considered a favorite at an event that is steeped in tradition and culture. However, they haven’t met Gary Johnson. Johnson has finished T1 and T2 in two of his last 3 KWGA events and finished T2 in last years Masters. He is in the handicap “sweet spot” and has played lights out all season, currently sitting at 4th in the FEDEX Cup Standings in only 5 events. All signs point to this Hantsport hand grenade slipping on the green jacket. “I’m not getting any younger and I want to be able to brag for many years. This is my time.” ~Johnson

MR. OCTOBER FISHER (3-1)– Fisher broke through last week at The Herbin and is another golfer in the handicap sweet spot, currently sitting second in FEDEX Cup standings.  The major goal will be to avoid any big numbers and if he hits 2-3 putts, this one could be over before the boats even get docked in Aylesford Lake. However, past Masters have not been kind to him with a 16th and 7th and how he deals with being a favorite to win will go a long way. This isn’t bidding for and building million dollar buildings…this is brick by brick competition.

MR. WILDCAT POIRIER (4-1)– All this Kentville product does is fight like a bulldog shot by shot. The veneer may have dimmed over the last 6 months but he still is a FEDEX Cup finalist and has 2 Top 3’s in just 4 events on Tour this season. Throw out last year’s 20th place finish in The Masters as rookies have never fared well in this event. Battle tested and motivated after a DQ in his last event, Poirier has the handicap and game to shoot a 66 net, a score that would be difficult to beat on Saturday.

KNOCKING ON “THE GREEN DOOR”

AIR BUD WOODWORTH (5-1)– Nobody ever mentions a flying dog when it comes to the KWGA. Woodworth calmly smiles through and past his competition on a weekly basis, never making any enemies. However, what everyone is missing is that he would throw “chin music” to his grandmother if it meant a strikeout. Air Bud finished T17 in his first Masters last year but currently sits 7th in the FEDEX Cup for a reason. With last years learning experience out of the way the sky is the limit. “I hope to wear green this weekend. It’s the only colour my girlffriend hasn’t allowed me to wear to bed in 12 months.”

Tempers were frayed during Wednesday’s practice round as The Commissioner and Double Double tried to rectify their differences at the Par 5 14th.

DOUBLE-DOUBLE ELLIOTT (6-1)– The man who dominated the 2014 season has started to look like himself again recently and hasn’t been this motivated since Gordie Smith called him a Nerd on the 4th green of his famous amateur match of yesteryear. A 74 on Men’s Night Wednesday means a 60’s net score is again possible and nobody can stare down the ugly face of golfing fear like Double-Double which will make him tough to beat in the final 5 holes. He has been counted out since net scoring was introduced 2 seasons ago but this could be just what the doctor ordered.

THE COMMISSIONER (7-1)- Two Top 3’s in three Masters appearances and he currently sits at 3rd in the FEDEX Cup Standings. Do things really come in 3’s? Ford has recently flashed his potent long game with 4 eagle looks in his last 3 rounds and his new hybrid has been a Par 5 boon, giving him a competitive edge. However, the pressure of organizing 24 semi-retarded and dysfunctional men is a heavy weight on what is supposed to be a calm and peaceful Saturday morning. There is no secret with The Commissioner, if his driver is in the fairway, the course becomes easy, if not, then start up the car and slam the trunk.

CHRIS “INSPECTOR GADGET” RUSHTON (8-1)– Masters rookies don’t usually fare well but this one has started to show signs that his game and handicap have melded like one his his BBQ prime rib steaks on a sunny Valley evening. Quietly he is 9th in FEDEX Cup Standings coming off a T6 at last week’s Herbin and has been trending in the right direction in recent weeks. Throw in his non-stop rivalry with Team Carey and Fisher and you have all the makings of bragging rights for a decade. “I’ve been dreaming of slipping on that green jacket since my application to join the KWGA was accepted. They’ll have no choice but to respect me if I win.”

RENE “SHOOTER” MacKAY (8-1)– I haven’t seen this man play so much golf or hit so many balls on the range since his wife kicked him out of the house for forgetting their anniversary The Shooter has only played Majors the last 2 seasons but plays them well with a 3rd, 5th and 9th in his last 3 Masters. Appearance fees and expectations have made him a prima donna this week in the public’s eye but you can’t undersell his ability to putt and get up and down. If he is wearing his favorite green shirt Saturday…Look the *^*&^* out.

I’M NOT A DONKEY…I CAN PLAY TOO

KEVIN “THE HUNCHBACK” NEWCOMBE (9-1)- Without question the hardest man to handicap coming in this week. The list of obstacles and variables to sift through is simply too great to list in one paragraph. Recent struggles have masked the start to his 2016 season which included a win at the Skoal Bandits and a T1 at the Gigglers Invitational. He has finished 9th both times in his two career Masters appearances but has the ability and handicap to shot a 65 net if the feelings are positive. If not, break out the bug spray and Pinnacles because his group will be going on some Nature Hikes. However, just when you count him out…

NICK WASZCZUK-CAREY (10-1)– Nobody smiles through the face of golfing disaster like Nick Carey. He simply has no golf worries. That will undoubtedly be a good thing for a Masters rookie playing his last tournament on Tour until August as he leaves to continue his pursuit of Sasquatch in Northern BC for the next 4-5 weeks. Waszczuk-Carey doesn’t need to do anything other than avoid disaster Saturday and he could very well wear green when the day is done. If he makes 1-2 birdies, we can all turn out the lights and empty our pockets like this wildlife enthusiasts who pay to stay at his Northern BC resort.

BARRY BANISTER-HENNIGAR (10-1)– Nobody tries to make the Bluenose Cup team more than Barry B. If he put as much effort into winning a KWGA FEDEX Cup title he would have won it twice already. His swing never changes which is an anomaly in th KWGA and he has finished 7th and 4th in his two career KWGA Masters. Perhaps the best betting value based on past performance. His 83 in Wednesday’s Men’s Night knocked him down this list a bit, and maybe foolishly. “I can’t change people’s perception of me. All I can do is play hard. And oh, by the way, I have to leave by 12:30pm Saturday…”

MARK “THE SHARK” GAVIN (11-1)– He will no doubt have the sexiet cut uniform Saturday and that golden boy smile as he tees of #1. This is a major champion too after winning last years Players Championship going away. However, his Masters record has been solid but unspectacular with a 7th and two 8th place finishes in his career. Just where he has been over the last 2 weeks is also a mystery but his driver will make or break his day no matter where he has been. “I’ve been saying my prayers, eating my vitamins and if Simmons shows up, I will break him down with my own sense of fashion if I can’t win the golf tournament.”

Hacksaw Schofield and Mr. October Fisher share a delicate moment at Thursday’s Masters practice area.

TREVOR “HACKSAW” SCHOFIELD (12-1)– I know what you are thinking…a rookie winning The Masters? However, The Hacksaw has started to see golfing light once again after a steady diet of 70’s rounds once again lately. The “Mind Freak” has turned the corner after taking the last 2 seasons off to honeymoon. His FEDEX Cup season hasn’t been noteworthy but I am playing a hunch here that a Top 5 is not out of the question, especially if you get him started talking about Black Magic…or his signature 1970’s porno beard.

BRENT “WEASIE” LOCKE (13-1)– You can’t ignore someone with a 14 handicap who has this much game…and a smile that shuts out the lights. Weasie finished 3rd in last years Masters but has been off the KWGA radar the last month so nobody knows what to expect from him come Saturday…including Weasie himself. Nobody has taken in so many children that his home looks like an orphanage, so golf worry will be the last thing on his mind. That just may be the tonic to winning a Masters. Plus he needs the tournament winnings for diapers and Similac.

OUTSIDE SHOTS…OR STEPH CURRY @ 2016 NBA FINALS

BOB MAXWELL-SMART (14-1)– Past champions usually don’t fall this far down the list. Maxwell-Smart won the first ever KWGA Masters in 2013 in a sudden death playoff with Where’s Waldo Murray in what can only be considered a classic. A tie for 14th last year and some recent struggles with his driver have pushed this proud man out of contention many weeks on Tour this season. However, he has shot in the low 70’s before and is one member who prepares pre-round. If he can muster a rythm early and make a few birdies, we could be talking about the first two-time Masters champion.

ROD “WHERE’S WALDO” MURRAY (15-1)– They don’t make ’em like Rod Murray anymore. The only man to ever have a drink named after him in KenWo history arrives at KenWolia Lane with zero expectations from the patrons or media in 2016. The focus simply hasn’t been there to begin 2016 and some have started to wonder if he can compete for titles anymore since winning The Heritage in 2014 with a KWGA record 67 gross. Numbers mean nothing here it’s all about what side of the bed Waldo wakes up on Saturday morning…and if that sleeping gas mask was securely snug the night before.

JOHN “THE SHERIFF” AMIRAULT (16-1)– Nobody surprised more in 2015 than the stiff-gripped ripper Johnny Bum-stinger. He had an “awakening” season that sold books that made the New York best-seller list. However, 2016 has been a return to golfing purgatory and the focus has waned as his outside earnings continue to skyrocket. If he can trust himself and get his focus back, with his handicap, a win is possible. If not, keep a close eye on that remote controlled cart of his…it could end up in an on course toilet this week instead of a pond.

The 4th Reich lines up a par putt during a practice round at The Masters Thursday.

DOUG “THE 4TH REICH” IRWIN (17-1)– His 2016 swan song will be at Saturday’s Masters, an opportunity to salvage a 2016 season that has been as pleasant as pissing blood and kidney stones. Nobody will ever question his competitive spirit and not many KWGA’ers have played in the final group of a Club Championship, so the mental ability is there. However, he hasn’t finished inside the Top 10 in an event in a month and will be hard pressed to find lightning in a bottle on a course that cries out for spinning and stopping the ball on quickly hardening KenWo greens.

THE DOOR IS GREEN?

NICK “CAPTAIN SHITACULAR” LEVY (18-1)– A defending champion has never had such low odds or been given this little respect since Wayne Burke’s last goal in old-timers hockey. Levy shocked the KWGA last year with his win and many are comparing it to Wile e Coyote catching the Road Runner. Couple that with the fact that wife Levy begged the Commissioner to “take that ugly trophy out of my house please” and you have some issues with winning. However, don’t discount this man’s fire or desire as he teamed with the esteemed D-Mac MacKinnon Tuesday to iron out the kinks in his swing.

MIKE “THE FOGG” WHITE (19-1)– The man is a multiple winner on Tour and he finished T5 at last years Masters in his coming out party of sorts. When he hits that driver right its an explosion that compares to a Peter North money shot. When its not, well, you get the idea. The results have not been there to start the 2016 season as The Fogg would admit himself. However, what a story it would be, if White could put it all together and win one for Wolfville’s Coach and Teacher forever, Dr. Bill.

ARNIE TELLEY-KELLEY (20-1)– Nobody grinds harder than Telley-Kelley. It’s his innate ability to manage the course with his skills that has made him who he is today. He may not think he is a golfer but nobody uses their mind to get as much out of their talent as he does. He tied for 5th in last years Masters but has struggled mightily with an eye injury to start 2016. The driver accuracy is still there and three-putting has not been a concern, so if he can hit 12 greens Saturday, we would have a Cinderella Story. I am cheering for you buddy.

TOM “FONDA” THOMSON (25-1)– He hasn’t swung a golf club in 2016. Do I really need to write a paragraph? He’s my big brother so I am going to anyway. The strength of his game has always been a sneaky ability to hit the fairway with his driver. It will be the finer points if the game that will cause torment on the no doubt slick greens he will face Saturday. This aint guiters and singing big brother, this is tournament golf.

The Sheriff made sure that nobody took golf and The Masters too seriously as preparations for Saturday intensified.

“DOUBLE CUT…DOUBLE ROLLED”

“The Shooter” Warns of Lightning Quick Conditions

The Shooter MacKay takes time out Wednesday to give some love to the best club in his bag. “Love me or hate me…I will roll the rock baby.”

With just three days left of preparation before Saturday’s KWGA Masters, Rene “Shooter” MacKay made a cameo appearance on Men’s Night in what can only be called a minor miracle. After a dormant spring, the Antigonish product will make his 2016 debut on Tour at Saturday’s Masters, something he has been looking forward to. MacKay has been a factor in all but one major in his career and after a T9 last year, it looks like the fire is back in his belly. His swing looked crisp and rhythmic as KWGA-TV reported Holly Sonders caught up to him on the tenth tee.

Holly: “Shooter, this Saturday your course will be the focal point of golf in Canada. What can we expect from you and this course when play gets under way?”

Shooter: “Fabulous to see you Holly. I feel like a kid again. Being around the boys this week has reminded me of just why I love golf and competition. There is something wrong with you if you can’t get fired up this week. The boys can expect the fastest greens of the season this Saturday as I have instructed the maintenance staff to double cut and double roll the greens. I am sure they will jangle a few nerves out there but what’s golf without a challenge? I see so many funky strokes and longer putters on Tour that I have to make sure I whittle the field down a bit. I don’t play as much as I used to Holly so I will work the angles when I can. I may even call in Craig “The Caveman” MacDonald to rattle The Commissioner if he gets off to a hot start. It worked in last year’s Players Championship.”

Holly: “What specifically have you been working on with your game this week. Rumour has it that that driver of yours is acting up again. Do you think you can win this week with the course tilted to the left?”

Shooter: “You should know me better than that Holly. This game is won from 100 yards and in. I’m going to make my share of putts and I have my squirly wedges working right now. The only thing smoother than my wedge swing right now is that cashmere skirt you have on.”

Holly: “I know you have to go, just quickly, who are the men to beat this week?”

Shooter: “Other than myself, I’d have to say Grampy is at the top of the list. That Fisher guy is coming off a win last week but I have my eye on Double Double too. I hear he shot 74 today with 2 birdies. But you know what? It’s really all about me and the golf course. That’s the beauty of net scoring. The fact that I am not playing with Where’s Waldo this week is also worth at least 2 strokes, so I feel like I am playing with house money right off the first tee. Quick fast and firm Holly. Let’s get this thing going!”

Other News from Wednesday

*The KWGA has warned KWGA rookie Trevor Schofield that his beard/scruff has come in violation of Rule 13 (b) subsection 3 which states any members that have facial hair causing (a) black flies and stray cats to be attracted to his foursome (b) smells and odors from lunches or dinners from 3 days prior or (c) young girls to run screaming shall be assessed a 2 stroke penalty.

*In yet another break from the norm, KWGA veteran Kevin “The Hunchback” Newcombe walked off KenWo after 13 holes Wednesday. The Windsor resident claimed he had a Tavern League softball game to attend. “Listen fellas, nothing wrong with my game right now, it’s finely tuned. When one is as confident as I am, you don’t need to play 18 holes to be ready for Saturday. Plus my softball team needs me at shortstop. The infield is all over 60 years old and leans on me to track balls down in the hole. Don’t worry or feel sorry for me. I will be ready when the bell rings Saturday morning.” ~The Hunchback.

*German sensation Doug “The 4th Reich” Irwin will make his final appearance on Tour Saturday with hopes of breaking his KWGA winless drought which stands at 24 tournaments. “If I can get the house cleaned, the lawn mowed and my mind free of hockey preparation, then who knows? This course knows my ball flight and I know where it likes to bite me back. If I can get in Grampy’s slip stream maybe he can pull me along until it gets to be winning time in The Valley. If not, I’m just gonna order pizza and drink Peach Schnapps like I have for the last month.”

THIS COULD BE YOU…

THE DEFENDING CHIMP-NICK LEVY

LEVY HIRES MacKINNON TO OVERSEE MASTERS PREP

Levy addresses one his his 300 range balls late Tuesday afternoon. “This is not a party for me. The Masters is serious business. Plus I have to try and break 80 for the first time on Tour this season!”

You know its a big deal when you see the defending champion hitting balls with personal swing guru Derek MacKinnon. Such was the sight late Tuesday afternoon as “Captain Shitacular” Nick Levy took time out from his myriad of work/children/school responsibilities to find the north end of the driving range with a man synonymous with fearless ball-striking and winning. The sight drew trembling stares from the foursome of The 4th Reich, Telley-Kelley, Maxwell-Smart and The Commissioner as the foursome trudged sheepishly to the 12th tee. “It’s almost like Bill Russell giving tips to Wilt Chamberlain. When you have 2 huge KenWo forces like that co-joining, it’s bound to spread some fear around the KenWo grounds.” said a shocked Telley-Kelley. “I’m playing with one eye and MacKinnon is giving the defending Masters champion tips? Not fair.”

When approached by KWGA media Levy was less than excited to be answering questions about his game. “Listen, my wife volun-TOLD me to go on a school trip with my kids today and its already cut into my practice time with Derek. Plus we still haven’t finished our underwear hike through The Valley…how else was I supposed to pay for all these lessons boys?” The duo seemed to be working on specific skills to deal with high winds and quickly hardening conditions at KenWo this week. Levy could be seen hitting balls with a limp wrist and forearm, something the New Minas resident is well-adept at. “Nick is an extremely hard worker.” said a beaming MacKinnon. “He knows people are calling last years win a fluke. That isn’t how he feels. I am just here to help reinforce positive mental imagery…and if that doesn’t work, at least my mortgage will be paid off.”

Monday at The Masters

Yes, it is THAT time of year again, the time to take the drive down KenWolia Lane and smell the fresh bloom. This year Nick Levy returns to defend his title, hopeful that he can slip on the green jacket once again. However, Levy will have a phalanx of hungry and primed challengers looking to snare what he has grown accustomed to wear. Wayne Burke, the man who defies age and modern physics, is the KWGA’s hottest golfer and is the odds on favorite to win his first major. Harold Fisher, one week removed from his first career win at The Herbin Experience, looks to have his game and handicap all in the sweet spot to make a run. Not to be forgotten is Gary Johnson, the KWGA’s “Adult in the Room”, a man who has played possessed in limited starts to begin the 2016 season but has shown an ability to challenge on a weekly basis. His 66 net was good for a runner-up finish in 2015. Could this finally be HIS time?

Holly Sonders took to the practice green today to talk to some of this week’s favorites.

Holly: Nick, 2015 was a special year for you, your first major and a Masters title. How have you been preparing to defend it?

Levy: “Holly, I’d be lying to you like your current husband is if I told you I have been hitting a million balls on the range… but that’s just not the case. I’ve been chasin around two pucks named Paxton and Xavier, not golf balls that’s for sure. I am an enigma coming into this week just like I was last year, so maybe that will work to my advantage.

Holly: “Your late entry this week had everyone on pins and needles. Were you trying to work an angle?…Nick, eyes up here buddy.”

Levy: “Sorry Holly, you just look so different in person than you do on TV. How do you stand like a horse for that long when you are giving interviews? Anyway, I wasn’t trying to angle shoot anyone, especially these guys in the KWGA. Most of them hustled at bars and clubs for years so I can’t lean on that. I will just let my golf do the talking. It’s more my style anyway. By the way, if you are not doing anything later, I can take a look at your back…swing if you want? I hear your grip is way too tight.”

Holly: “Thanks, but no thanks Nick. When you can out drive me then come talk to me.”

Holly: “Gary, I don’t want to get into your nickname because I am married. Is there any chance we can we stick to golf talk today? And no I am not interested in the adult movie industry.”

Johnson: “Holly, don’t knock it until you have tried it honey. You would have quite the following if you choose that path girl. As far as my golf this week, I called my buddy Fred and asked him how I should go about things preparation-wise. You know what he said? Drive it high and hard, so that’s what I plan to do. Seriously though Holly, my time is now. I’ve added some length this season and am compressing the ball like a mule kick right now. If I can make a couple of putts, there is no reason I can’t win this thing. If I don’t win, I can count on getting yelled at at home…and we don’t want that now do we Holly?”

Holly: “Did you mean Fred Hutchinson? Oh, I met that guy last year at Oakfield. He tried to get me in his salt water pool one hot sunny afternoon. You should stay away from him Gary.”

Johnson: “Holly, I know you have a crush on me so let’s just get it in the open. If I win this week, you’re going on top of the trophy instead of the KWGA Logo, that’s if Paulina Gretzky doesn’t beat you to it. If that doesn’t prove I’m motivated to win, nothing will.”

The field is set for this Saturday, so let’s look at past Masters results…because if you have forgotten your history, you are doomed to repeat it.

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Like legendary televangelist Jimmy Swaggert would famously bellow every Sunday morning, “Jesus, you can take me now!” So it was Saturday morning at The Fred Herbin Experience for the KWGA’s Evangelist of Destruction , “Mr. October” Fisher, who putted and prayed his way through the KWGA field for a 3 stroke victory, his first as a KWGA professional. Many had started to question just why the New Minas product had continued his quest for glory in the face of insurmountable golfing odds but that was all laid to rest, like Swaggert’s Sunday broadcasts. “First of all, I am not as dumb as Swaggert. I would never get caught in a limo with a stripper. That’s a rookie mistake. Secondly, I knew all I had to do was get out of my own way out on the golf course and good things would happen. I didn’t grow up getting country club lessons as a kid, I built country clubs instead…the prize money is a bit bigger after all.” said Mr. October from his docked speed boat on Aylesford Lake. “It feels good to put one in the win column finally for sure. I have been taking a lot of heat since my loss in the Ryder Cup and almost decapitating The Commissioner with a wayward drive last week off #17 tee. Hopefully that will quiet down now for a while.”

After starting +5 on his first 5 holes in The Valley, Fisher’s 41 on the Front Nine had the Aylesford Assasin in prime position to win, a position he had been in many times over the last 3 seasons. However, the gospel seemed to have started speaking to him this time as a calmness and fearlessness overtook him like a Swaggert sermon. Pars at #1, #2, #5 and #8 just meant avoiding disaster in The Orchard would mean certain victory. Indeed a final door-slamming par at #13 put the victory on ice and the celebration began. “I thought about organizing a parade about the size the Pittsburgh Penguins just had, but the Town of New Minas had car accident and traffic issues Saturday afternoon, so I settled on a BBQ at Doug’s with my buddies.” said an elated Fisher. “Who wouldn’t trade that in to see Doug in crogs with socks?” said Fisher. “Seeing him like that changed the light I see him in now. Gone is the fiery coach and competitor to be feared, replaced now with that nerd in Grade 8 we all made fun of as kids.”

A three way battle (thank God it wasn’t a threesome) between The Commissioner, Grampy and Gary’s Biggest Johnson highlighted a tournament that Fred himself would have been proud. Johnson, inspired by his late buddy started a mid-round charge that included a dazzling birdie at #2, alas a triple bogey and #7 and double bogey at #8 rained on his parade that certainly would have caused a Freddie Meltdown. The Commissioner’s charge also fizzled after penalty strokes at #4 and #6 that prompted a tongue-lashing on course management from Grampy, a man who has trouble remembering what day of the week it is. Finally, Grampy himself drank from the Fountain of Youth once again this week, going even par through The Valley 5 only to have a string of bogies start at #5 and ending with a bogey saving 30 footer from off the grren on #9 that rattled off the flagstick creating a lovely 3 way tie for second. “You can’t put a price tag on luck.” said Grampy. “These guys think it’s some grand formula of swing mechanics and trust. All you have to do is believe and good things will happen. I am off to PEI in the morning for my 8th golf trip of the year, now leave me alone.”

Who’s HOT

Grampy Burke- Yet another Top 3 finish at The Herbin Experience has put the Windsor Spitfire 40+ points clear atop the FEDEX Cup Points race. His consistency to start the season is starting to rival that of a Holly Sonders form-fitting dress. There is no doubt he is hungry, primed, ready and in the mood to wear green next week.

Mr. October Fisher- A win this week at The Herbin and a T2 at last week’s Tootsies-Miami Cabaret mean that work has slowed down and golf concentration has risen. Don’t be fooled by his quiet demeanor because underneath lies the conscience of a killer. Someone once told me good things come in three’s…could a Masters title be the third bullet over the bow?

Mr. Wildcat Poirier- Nevermind a puzzling DQ at the Tootsies-Miami Cabaret, a T2 at the Avon Lea and a 4th at the Munich highlight a man on a mission to win his second major. He is in the “handicap sweet spot” and is coming off a trip to PEI that will no doubt have his game quietly in order once he returns to the hallowed grounds that are KenWo.

Who’s NOT

Doug “The 4th Reich”- Since cementing his plans to leave Tour early, Irwin’s game has left the building with his last 3 finishes being a 13th, T12 and a 12th place finish. I dare say his players in Germany would be skating “gasers” for days if they performed like him lately. Can he pull off a miracle in his last tournament of 2016 at The KWGA Masters? Probably not in Crogs.

Telley-Kelley- The usual fire has been missing from Kelley to start the 2016 season with nary a Top 3 and finishes of T10, 9th and T15 in his last 3 events. The driver consistency has been there as usual but the mid-short iron game has deserted a man who prides himself on good results. Rumour has it he will be hitting balls this week instead of his incessant chipping. Let there be light.

Maxwell-Smart- The best finish in the last month for this North Mountaineer has been a 6th at The Avon Lea for a man capable of much more. Maybe too much time chasing his dog from under his porch is the reason? Or could it be a reliance on a recently balky driver? Whatever the case, he can only go up from here.

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With the recent rash of high scoring from our membership, it got me to thinking, just what are the reasons? I refuse to believe it’s only because we are getting older, so let’s forget about the excuses guys! So in an effort to help improve your game the rest of the year, here are the Top 5 positive thoughts that will no doubt lower those scores.

#1  Hell, if Burkie can do it at 67 yrs old with a bicep that looks like a Brahma Bull’s testicle, I sure as hell should be able to!

#2  If Nick Carey can smile his way through a 104 this week, I should be able to laugh at my 3rd duck hook of the round!

#3  When things are going bad out on the course, think Holly Sonders during the US Open coverage…Pink, Blue or Red…which dress did I like most…Hmmmm. Does it F-&*^%& matter?

#4 Ya know, maybe my third wife was right after all.

and the last positive thought to lower those scores….

#5  Kevin hasn’t quit…why should I?

News, Notes & Quotes

-“Well I will be darned. The Commissioner got a Burkie.” ~Grampy   Following a wayward tee shot on #13 that ricocheted right off the trees and subsequent chip in for birdie from 75 feet that ended up winning a Rang. They all even out buddy.

-John Amirault now leads Rod Murray in 2016 KWGA Social Event appearances by a score of 1-0. Amirault is also ahead 3 hamburgers, 2 hot dogs and 1 mustard stained shirt.

-The Sheriff also set a KWGA record by becoming the first member to drive a power caddy into a pond. After parking his cart next to the 4th green and grabbing his putter, The Sheriff’s power caddy decided it needed to be cooled off. “We watched in vain as his golf bag meandered about 150 yards into the pond to the right of #5 tee.” said a bemused Commissioner. “Helpless wouldn’t do justice to how we all felt under our giggles. Personally, I am just glad nobody got hurt but he said later that his LGBT Rainbow card had been lost in the fracas.”

-THANKS FOR HOSTING A BBQ DOUG! Don’t worry, I have cleared concussion protocol and will be able to continue my golfing career after cracking my head 3 times on those low door casings in your home.

-HAPPY FATHER’S DAY TO ALL THE DADS IN OUR ASSOCIATION (and to those who may be dad’s and may not be aware). We hope you enjoy your day and are doing well on golf courses in PEI or parts unknown!

-Next week is the 4th annual KWGA Masters. It’s the founding tournament and most prestigious in our league. Nick Levy will be back to defend his title Do you have the balls to take it from him? I will be posting Masters articles & updates all week leading up to Saturday. SIGN UP DEADLINE IS MONDAY NIGHT AT 10PM. MAKE SURE YOU GET ON THE WEBSITE AND ENTER BY THEN! PLEASE BOOK A FEW EXTRA MINUTES IN YOUR DAY IN CASE YOU ARE IN A PLAYOFF!

Saturday in Picture