Game #1

Scramble

Thomson & Elliott vs Maxwell & Burke

There is no denying this is an intriguing match-up. Power and Poise vs Consistency and Guile. The Commissioner and Double-Double know each other’s game intimately with a variety of skills that should mesh nicely. Maxwell-Smart and Grampy will be annoyingly down the middle all day which will be tough to beat. If they get their putters working they will be even tougher to beat. I’m leaning toward power and poise simply because they know what rattles Grampy. Advantage- Thomson/Elliott

Match Play

Thomson vs Maxwell

The Back 9 features difficult driving holes that have proved troublesome for The Commissioner to master over the season’s first 5 weeks. Maxwell-Smart will look to break him down with consistent ball-striking. This one will come down to who has the nerve to take head-on KenWo’s most difficult stretch. This won’t be a putting contest, the holes will most likely be decided before the balls hit the green. Advantage- Maxwell

Elliott vs Burke

Grampy has been playing “lights out” from the outset and will have a stroke to play with on #14 and #16. He also leads the KWGA in birdies and is first in Net Scoring at 69.8. Double-Double has not had his best start on tour this season but he has stared down the likes of Gordie Smith in his prime, so he won’t be intimidated by Grampy’s consistent ball-striking, side-saddle putting or his skinny legs. Advantage- Burkie

Game #2

Scramble

Poirier & Murray vs Gavin & Hennigar

No player has been trending upward as quickly as Where’s Waldo. You know what you are going to get each week from Mr. Wildcat, consistent results. The duo will need to find some magic on the greens because power is not this team’s forte. The Shark is sneaky long and should provide some opportunities not available to his opponents. Hennigar is coming off a win at the Munich Oktoberfest weekend and seems detoxed. Advantage- Gavin & Hennigar

Match Play

Poirier vs Gavin

Childhood friends make for intriguing match-ups. This one goes back to the days of Pampers and Similac straight through to High School dances and sharing girlfriends. The Shark struggled in his last start on tour and will need to find his driver once again to swing the balance of power. If he doesn’t, Mr. Wildcat will do what all good cats do…pounce. Poirier will have a stroke on #14 and #16 to play with. Advantage- Poirier

Murray vs Hennigar

Where’s Waldo knows how to get the ball in the hole when he is focused and motivated. Breeze and Brownie didn’t take him under their wing for nothing. A third place finish at Munich seems to show he may be back. Hennigar will try and dazzle and hypnotize Waldo with the KWGA’s most patient take-away and twinkle-toes finish. He thrives on his “under the radar” status on Tour and also gets a stroke on the Par 4 16th. Advantage- Hennigar

Game #3

Scramble

Johnson & Amirault vs Levy & Locke

No one has surprised more this season than The Biggest Johnson. He will be leaned on to putt well in this one if they want to do more than halve holes. The Sheriff showed signs last week that the power has returned so they may get some good looks. Weasie has had a slow start to the year but has a sneaky game that can bite you. Captain Shitacular Nick Levy is a Masters champion and has the ability to get hot with his irons. Advantage- None

Match Play

Johnson vs Levy

This one will come down to who can shake off the rust first. Levy has been running the roads with a hockey puck while Johnson has just simply been running the roads. Johnson has been consistent and knows how to stay calm under pressure. Levy will look to find some rhythm in the scramble and take advantage of his length on the longer holes on the Back 9. Johnson gets a stroke on #14 and #16 which may be too much for Levy to overcome. Advantage- Johnson

Match Play

Amirault vs Locke

If The Sheriff can manage to threaten Locke with his burly hands AND his long game, then we have a match. But that’s a big IF. Putting woes have dogged The Sheriff’s start to the season so he will have to use his length to win. The Weasel could make life miserable if he gets his irons straightened out…or if he starts laughing. Weasie also gets a stroke on #16 which could prove to be the difference. Advantage- Locke

Game #4

Scramble

Kelley & Schofield vs Irwin & Woodworth

The 4^th Reich knows how to play a team game. He is a coach after all. But coaches like talent and results which we have not seen from Irwin yet this season. Air Bud knows how to rub Chi rocks and stick pins in dolls along with having a golf game that can go low for an 8 handicap. Telley-Kelley is the ultimate competitor but has been hamstrung since Week 2 with a fuzzy eyeball. He grew up playing 4 ball 4 point games so he knows how to hustle. Hacksaw Schofield will be coming off a 3 week layoff from the Tour, so who knows what to expect? The duo must hit greens, that’s all I know. Advantage- Irwin & Woodworth

Match Play

Kelley vs Irwin

This one couldn’t have been scripted better. Two buddies that admire one another like love birds on a third date. Irwin’s ability to scrape and scramble with the lowest ball flight on tour is amazing and can be frustrating to play against. Kelley doesn’t get into a lot of trouble either, so this one should come down to putting in the end. Kelley gets a stroke on #16. Irwin has been busy on the dinner party circuit. Advantage- None

Schofield vs Woodworth

Perhaps no golfer smiles his way through a round more than Air Bud. Perhaps no golfer is more stone faced during a round than Schofield. Air Bud is more consistent with his driver and can roll in the odd putt. Schofield is coming off his best Tour round last week and has nothing to lose. He will need to hit greens to have a chance. Schofield gets a stroke on #16 so winning that one will be paramount. Advantage- Woodworth

Game #5

Scramble

Carey & White vs Fisher & Newcombe

Both Carey and White finished in the Top 3 last week at the Avon Lea Open so their confidence should be at its peak. Fisher has struggled lately but knows how to push Carey’s buttons and knows all his secrets if they should get behind. Newcombe finally realized he could play this Saturday after two weeks of brain lock which could have him loose as a $5 street walker. I just wish this one could be caught on video. Advantage- Fisher & Newcombe

Match Play

White vs Newcombe

The Fogg can present problems for The Hunchback if he drives the ball well…because he will be well down the fairway. Finding a rhythm during the scramble will be paramount. Newcombe has the ability to make more birdies when the stars align but will have to give a stroke on #14, #16 and #18. This match centres on just who will hit the fairway more than any other match. Both will be asked to piss in a cup after their round. Advantage- Newcombe

Carey vs Fisher

The Crown Jewel match at the 2016 Ryder Cup. Two friends that have shared more than all of us want to know. This one is less about golf than it is a battle of wills. Carey has surprised to start the 2016 season mainly because of his overflowing wine cellar. Fisher has been consistent over his 3 year KWGA career mainly because he has zero golf anxiety. They are playing for rights to the Master Suite in their Ft. Myers condo so lots is on the line Saturday. Let’s hope their match decides who is the Ryder Cup Champion in 2016. Advantage- None

If you haven’t already noticed, there is a runaway super senior hell bent on golf destruction in the KWGA to start the 2016 season. After a winter dominating the senior circuit in Myrtle Beach, South Carolina, the symbol simply known as Grampy tore down the field at the Avon Lea Open Saturday for his first win of the season, his second straight at his backyard track. Grampy was the overwhelming favorite heading into the event, the only question seemed to be whether he would be able to keep his winner’s cheque this year…or if it would end up in a cash register at Bloomingdale’s in Halifax like last year. “Just a few breaks went my way and I was able to escape today.” said a smiling Grampy. “I know some guys may be jealous of my early season success, my perfect smile and the cocky way I walk down a fairway, but I can’t control that. Guys will just have to either play better or start taking some of my hot yoga classes. You choose.”

Grampy’s win vaulted him 28 points ahead of his nearest competitor in the FEDEX Cup Standings on a day that was destined to be a difficult one for both him and his competition. As host to the event, the rigors and responsibilities seemed to be etched all over Grampy’s face moments before teeing off #1. “No, that wasn’t stress you were seeing on my face. I just had forgotten to eat my bowl of Metamucil in the morning so I felt constipated.” said a distracted Grampy. “Stress about hosting a party? Are you kidding me? I knew that someone had prepared all of the garnish and dessert, sausage had been dropped off before the round and that someone would BBQ the meat and clean up after. The most stressful part of my day was wondering if I could keep my eyes open past 9pm to get my winner’s reward.” Constipated or not, Grampy was solid as a rock to begin his round, going just +1 gross over his first 6 holes, finishing with an outward 39. Things did get shaky and interesting when the Inward nine began with a triple bogey 7 at #10. However, birdies at #11 and #15 slammed the door shut on his nearest competitors on a day where the average score was 78 net. “I can’t say enough about how hard it is to win on this tour. Guys come in every week gunning for me like I slashed Johnny Williams in my Old Timers Hockey League. I will savour this for a day but it’s back to work next week.”

Making his presence felt once again was the KWGA’s bulldog, Mr. Wildcat, who used all of his guile and ability to stay in bounds to fire a 72 net, good for second place and a jump from 12^th to 5^th in the FEDEX Cup Standings. After a lackluster 44 outward nine, KK fired an inward 39 that included a birdie at the devilish 18^th to secure his second Top 3 finish in just 4 events. Motivated after being teased last week, Mr. Wildcat snubbed his nose at his detractors, and the Wolfville detachment of the RCMP, to narrow the gap on his nemesis from last season’s FEDEX Final. “Listen, guys can tease me all they want, I don’t care about all that. Pit-bulls aren’t the biggest dogs in the pack but they sure as hell don’t let go once they sink their teeth into flesh. That’s how I have thrived and survived throughout my athletic career.” said a steadfast Wildcat. “The Mosher Boys would invite another second baseman to Spring Training every year…but who would be in the lineup every Opening Day? Me, that’s who. Now if you will excuse me, I have some more sausage to eat.”

Rounding out the Top 3 was a pair of golf masons, known more for their ability to crush stone and sirlyn than scoring on a golf course. The Fogg shook off a less than stellar first month of the season to post his best score on Tour this season while Waszczuk-Carey continued his birdie binge, sniping another rang at #3 to springboard his round. “You don’t win Majors or FEDEX Cups in May.” said a stern and serious Waszczuk-Carey. “It’s like those nights at Legends Lounge back in the day. So what if you get shot down at 10pm…they don’t close the bar until 2am baby. Now if you will excuse ME, I have a Ryder Cup team to manage.” For his part, The Fogg was cautiously optimistic about the rest of the season. “I won’t know how the rest of my season will go. It all depends on some fields in Northern British Columbia. It hasn’t been the best weather for botanical events so I have been on edge. Once that gets worked out I am sure I will be back to challenging for titles week after week.”

KWGA Honours Avon Valley…In Pictures

WHO’S HOT…WHO’S NOT

Grampy- There is no denying that the man is a force on Tour. He has a win and has finished no worse than 5th in 5 events this season and a let up seems as likely as a second marraige.

Mr. Wildcat- KK has finished 2nd and 3rd in his last 2 events. A win on tour this season seems as likely as a Rodca by the 6th hole. Motivated, confident and playing with a chip on his shoulder.

Mr. October- Swing changes and separation anxiety have combined to derail this Aylesford brand. His last 2 results have not been up to par for a Ryder Cup Captain (13th and 15th). Maybe a Ryder Cup title will be just the tonic to clear the malaise.

Where’s Waldo- The red striped t-shirt wonder kid has finished inside the Top 6 just once this season and has not gotten the flat stick working quite yet. The only thing that may make him smile on the golf course is if they deleted his bar bill. Clerical error of course.

Post Traumatic Golf Syndrome

“The Cure Lies Within”

So just how does one recover the week after the Avon Lea Open? It’s a question many KWGA members have been asking for 3 years. Many have complained of involuntary shakes, seizures and in worst cases bed wetting following a round at Avon Valley. The small greens, multiple 200 yard Par 3’s and the lack of a driving range within 1 km of the first tee all combine to sty-my the ability for visitors to begin with rhythm. The only thing that seems to bring a smile are the real ham chunks and cheese sandwiches in the canteen ( I had two). This is all sour grapes of course because something is never as bad as it seems. (OK, so we won’t count Mr. Wildcat’s scent after 6 sausages in an enclosed basement Man Cave.). Noted sports psychologist, golf expert and The Hunchback’s personal guru Roger Coldfield has reached out to the KWGA after members suffered the symptoms above. Coldfield has played Avon Valley many times and was asked from one of his 6 homes to give some advice to those who are suffering.

*Practice putting on dirt roads and gravel. That should stop you thinking about Avon Valley greens.

*Don’t call your wife to pick you up after a bad round before you are done your game of shuffleboard.

*Don’t just make mental notes of the symptoms, take action. Rubber sheets work..and will save your marriage.

*Hey, don’t complain. You COULD have paid full price for those greens fees.

…and last but not least…

*Pretend that you are Waszczuk-Carey for a day. THAT should make you feel better instantly.

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News, Notes & Quotes

~”There were so many withdrawals this week that Gerry has enough Avon Valley greens fee chits to last us until 2022.” ~Ford

~”I coulda been Apple Blossom Champion this week.” ~Sheriff

~”I got my weekends mixed up. My wife is away so how do you expect me to cut the crusts off my bread let alone remember I have a party to attend on Avon Lea Open weekend.” ~The 4th Reich

~”We should have a KWGA Florida Swing like they do on the PGA Tour.” ~Waszczuk-Carey.      Yes, Nick, we should. When my net GNP is comparable to Sri Lanka’s, or yours, we will do that buddy.

~Lots of fun this weekend in Windsor despite the high scores…and Grampy repeating as Avon Lea Open Champion. Thanks to all who came down, played, partied and chipped in to make the day a rousing success. Thanks also to Mr. Wildcat for taking me on a scenic drive through Cambridge/Coldbrook following the party. Thanks to The Biggest Johnson for showing me how to play shuffleboard with 2 eyes closed. Your efforts made me forget that I shot 90.

~Next week is the 3rd Annual KWGA Ryder Cup. Withdrawing from this event will cause chaos. Please don’t.

“Dad, you can’t win…let alone set a course record.” And so Barry Bannister-Hennigar’s day began with his young son’s early morning decree whilst sharing a bowl of Lucky Charms. A statement so calm yet so callous in its biting assessment of a father’s ability, or perceived lack thereof. Well, young son can eat some consonants and vowels because Bannister-Hennigar found his way through the KWGA gauntlet, winning Saturday’s Munich Oktoberfest Open with a stunning net 66 for his second career victory. “This certainly wasn’t what I was expecting today, but again, did Dennis Rodman’s mother truly know how HER son would turn out ahead of time? If she saw my first 4 holes today, she would have aborted that pregnancy like I wanted to abort my round.” said Bannister-Hennigar.

Not much was expected from Bannister-Hennigar entering the week after his annual “Weekend at Bernie’s” Golf Bash and Get Smashed in Indiana. “It really does look like we are dragging around a dead guy in our group some days because invariably someone had several / a lot/ too many drinks. Coming back to the KWGA Tour after a week like that is difficult. The KWGA is a place of decorum and sobriety…and without a certain Prescott to get things spinning into an orbit simply known as the ‘Shit Abyss’. Indeed, bogies at #1, #2 led to the KWGA’s first Caber Putter Toss that sent the gallery scrambling for cover. However, with his inner Ile Nastase finally fed, Bannister settled into his round with a birdie at #6 and pars on #7, #8 and #9 good for a 39 gross Front 9.The Back 9 was consistency and control personified. A birdie at #13 and a bogey at #15 is all that interrupted pars the rest of the day and finally a new champion for this event had been found. “A proud day for me.” said Bannister. “There aren’t too many days you can silence an 11 year old.”

Also finding his groove on Saturday was Air Bud Woodworth, who just a week earlier was forced to withdraw because of a nagging metal plate in his flipper. Some have called into question the validity of said injury after Air Bud fired a net 68 Saturday to take second place and vault to fourth place in the FEDEX Cup standings. “Usually guys with foot injuries tire and fade on the Back 9 but this guy got better. They guy shoots 37 on the Back 9 and we are supposed to feel sorry for him?” said a sarcastic Commissioner. “If that’s the case, I will be the one showing up next week with pink Betadine rubbed on my leg from my toes to my kneecap. What a joke.” Air Bud sawed Burkie off at #10 with a gorgeous birdie and continued his fine play with rock solid pars on #16 and #18 into a 30 km/hour wind to lock down his third Top 3 finish of his season. “They can chirp me all they want about my foot.” said Air Bud. “I know how I feel inside. I tell my clients every day to believe and trust, and good things will come. Today was another building block for me..and Thank God Jeff Legge was hung over and wanted to cart it today…or I may have been up SH** Creek.”

Perhaps Saturday’s most shocking result was a certain Waldo’s third place finish. After a month of wishing, pawing and scraping at the golf ball, Where’s Waldo used all of his angst and sperm build-up to finally sink into a golf ball like Fat Albert at a BBQ Buffet. An outward 38 was followed by an inward 39 that included a rangless birdie at #17 but an overall net 69 that had many shaking their head upstairs following the round. TV crews scrambled to get comment from Waldo, however, Waldo was nowhere to be seen. “We fanned out over the property, we even looked on the driving range where we knew the odds of finding him there were be slim.” said a worried Double-Double. “I have known the guy for 20+ years and this is so unusual. I mean, the patio deck has been completed after all, so you would think he would be there. Maybe he had to go home and practice for his next performance at the Blandford Community Centre with his girlfriend. All we wanted to do was congratulate him…it’s not like we wanted to hook him up on a fence post by his underwear.”

I Can Feel It Comin’ in The Air Tonight…Oh Lawd

Maybe it was because Saturday was The Valley’s first 25 degree day or because something was in the air…Saturday was a STRANGE day. What we do know for sure was in the air had a foul odor. It arrived in the form of a load of what Grampy claimed was mulch in the back of his truck. After arriving late to drop off boyfriend Kevin 9 minutes before his scheduled tee time, Grampy quickly raced back down KenWo-lio Lane and into New Minas. Gasps and stares of wonderment filtered throughout the putting green as KWGA members looked on. “We thought, WTF is he doing? He tees off in 14 minutes. “He will never make it back in time!” thought The Commissioner. Time ticked so quickly…yet there he was, back from his New Minas sojourn in a flash…with a load of manure heaping high from the back of his once white pick up truck. “It was disgusting, I am not sure why he would choose that moment to get a load of manure. Maybe his woman wanted to cover up the smell of a dead body in the backyard? It was all a bit strange.” said The Commissioner. But things got even stranger…

Grampy’s antics seemed to stir something deep inside The Commissioner who was forced to perform his own race…straight to the Men’s Room. Making it there just in time, The Commissioner settled in to his porcelain position only to have the unimaginable happen…his belt buckle snapped. Panicked, Commissioner Ford was forced to tip-toe through the Pro Shop, gripping his cashmere black slacks for his life. “I love those pants.” said The Commissioner. “But they remind me of those pants clowns would use at children’s birthday parties. You know the ones where the clown would push the button…and his pants would hit the floor in 0.45 seconds? Yeah. those are my black slacks in a nutshell. I could have been the only KWGA golfer to have to withdraw from a tournament because of a wardrobe malfunction. There were some scary moments there for a while. Thank God one of the back shop boys had a spare HDMI computer cord for me to use as a belt…or I would have been forked. The worst part was I still had to hitch my pants up every 3 steps I took which made for a long day…all the while trying not to give The Sheriff the impression he was making me excited or something.”

Sunday Court Report

~Presented by Sheriff John “Heavy Hands”~

Guys, a pretty quiet week on the Police Blotter. Just your usual noise disturbances, flatulence and a few too ribald jokes on the golf course. However, last week we had a major occurrence that had to be reported. Last Sunday, being Mother’s Day Weekend like it was, I thought I would have some couth and wait a week just so that certain moms and wives could have one weekend of peace. As most Wolfville residents know, the stretch of road between Hennigar’s Farm Market and the Acadia Gymnasium is a haven for Police stops. I guess one certain KWGA member has been away from The Valley for too long…because he forgot this important nugget of information. Suffice it to say someone was REALLY hoping to win some RANG MONEY yesterday at the Munich Oktoberfest Open.

NEWS, NOTES & QUOTES

-“I feel like doing what Mr. Lockhart did many moons ago…smashing all of my 14 clubs into a tree…but mine cost over $2000.00, so probably not the best idea. Plus, with the way things are going, one of the broken shafts may spin back and stab me in the eyeball.” -Double-Double.

-No word on just how many German curse words were uttered during Doug “The 4th Reich” Irwin’s first KWGA round of the season. Las Vegas bookmakers had the Over/Under set at 7 total. However, after a gross 84 that included a triple bogey at #4 and double bogeys at #10, #12, #17 and #18, suffice it to say the OVER was the safe bet. “FIXE MAL” Doug…there will be better days buddy.

-Victoria Day Monday May 23 the Player Draft for the 3rd Annual KWGA Ryder Cup will take place at 12:30pm upstairs in the KenWo Dining Room. Captains Carey and Fisher will be picking the teams. I will post the results on the website under the 2016 RYDER CUP tab on Monday evening. FIRED UP!!!

-Next Saturday we will be playing @ Avon Valley GC for the 3rd Annual Avon Lea Open. There is still time to sign up and play. We have 12 golfers currently signed up…and room for 16. Even if you don’t play golf, you are urged and welcomed to come to Burkie’s in Windsor for a BBQ after the round. This is why you pay your $20 dues.

-Boys, thanks a million again for getting me the golf club. Yesterday, hearing Gerry’s speech and seeing all of your smiles, gave me the same feelings and sensations that I used to get climbing the rope in Middle School Phys. Ed. class. Now I know that may make some of you uncomfortable…but get over it already. YIPPEE!!!

See you next week!

~The Commissioner

Saturday the KWGA paid homage to one of the Valley’s best and most historic entertainment spots, Legends Lounge, a night club that spanned the varied ages that encompass our great league. If those Legends walls could talk, I dare say there would be a stampede to Kentville’s Law Court’s not seen since Hortonville’s nine “Barry Boys” brothers infamous brawl in Wolfville at a Jr. B Jets playoff game in 1981 that caused a back log in the court system for months. Saturday’s tussle at The Legends Classic was a brass knuckle fight between three men who know how to lay a smackdown. Gary “The Biggest” Johnson found lightning in a bottle once again as his quick start to the 2016 season continued with a startling net 67. Not to be outdone, Commissioner Ford, fresh off his 6 hour lesson with Gerry “OB1 Kanobe” Elliott, manufactured his best ball-striking round of 72 gross that included birdies at #2 and #15, good for a matching 67 net. “I hate sharing things, especially KWGA titles.” said a downcast Johnson. “You should have seen my act in a sand box growing up. There wasn’t a kid in my neighborhood that didn’t end up with a scratched cornea after an afternoon of “Underwear Tonka Toying” with me…I don’t know how many times my mother had to scold me for it.”

Rounding out the Top 3 was a man who perhaps cut the pink ribbon on Legends’ doors many moons ago, Nick Wasczczuk-Carey, who held a three stroke advantage heading into the final 5 holes, but a +6 “Valley” doused spermicide on his procreation party. “It’s not often that Nick Ole Boy shoots blanks but he really let Gary and I back in this tournament over the last few holes.” said an elated Commissioner. “I think the old bull still has lots of sweat and grunt left in his game, but the money shot eluded him today. He did leave the course happy though after winning 2 rangs. I’d never heard a millionaire whine so much about never winning a rang…and low and behold he wins two in one day.”

John “The Sheriff” Amirault finds solace in yet another “Slap it Around” Saturday by finding one of many puddles that dotted the grounds at the Legends Lounge Classic.

The Legends Classic saw rain and slow greens control the day and those who adjusted to the deteriorating conditions the quickest vaulted to the top of the leaderboard. One such surprise was KWGA rookie Trevor “Hacksaw” Schofied, who came out of nowhere Saturday to post an impressive 70 net after two not-so-special rounds to start his KWGA career. Hacksaw leaned on an impressive run of pars starting on #10 that ran through #15 where he blasted a 4 iron through the wind and rain to 10 feet. The shot was so impressive under the circumstances that his group even began to call him “Rain Man”. “One thing I know about Trevor, he will battle through tough mental situations.” Said a proud Commissioner. “They just don’t make them like him anymore. The guy is a mind freak. If you have the fortitude to have been a golf partner with Rod then you have proved your worth.”

Putt-Putt Golf…Or Just KK?

Mr. Wildcat Poirier had so many choices Saturday morning that he needed help selecting just which putter to use each hole.

In no doubt a KWGA first, Kevin “Mr. Wildcat” Poirier found it necessary to carry not one, but yes, two putters in his bag Saturday morning. The Halifax jet setter just couldn’t seem to make up his mind prior to teeing off and decided that two putters would be just the ticket to a win. “I have been putting so badly lately that I snooped in my dad’s garage the other day and took back the hickory stick that I gave him for his birthday a few years ago. For this part, The Commissioner was less than thrilled with Poirier’s antics. “To take back a present is one thing, but to sneak in his garage and take it without his knowledge is disgusting. I think he reached an all-time low. To take away a man’s cane like that is just unforgivable. This isn’t mini or “putt-putt” golf out here.”

The Walking Wounded…KWGA Style

Another ignominious record was broken on tour this week as 3 golfers were scheduled for surgery, two actually went through with it while another was scheduled for pre-op after jamming a rusty nail into his foot. The local medical authorities were forced to call for back-up after a flurry of activity forced their hand. After being interviewed by KWGA-TV, one Fundamental Health Administrator, who asked not to be identified, had a quick explanation for the recent rash of injuries on tour. “Listen, yes, these guys are having some middle-aged concerns, but it’s not what you think. They can say they have an eye or foot injury all they want but what’s really happening is that these guys prescriptions for penicillin and PED’s had run out. I can’t believe the lengths these men will go to in order to be at peak performance.” said the disgusted adminstrator.

For his part, The Commissioner’s concerns centred on the escalating costs of health premiums on tour. “Laser eye surgery, metal plates and tetanus shots aren’t cheap.” said a furious Commissioner Ford. “FFS boys, we may have to cancel the ribs and beer to pay for all these medical bills…or increase KWGA dues to $100!”

KWGA standout Bob “Beagle” Maxwell just couldn’t bare to see his helpless dog spend a night outside under his deck. “I’d jump in front of a truck for little Bitsy, so going under my deck and driving a rusty spike into my foot was a small price to pay as I see it.” ~Beagle Maxwell

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News, Notes & Quotes

-“Sure it’s possible someone could miss the bright orange highlighted box for scoring Hole 8B, or even the bold blue inked 8B written above the empty box. I was wondering why I didn’t have room to calculate the OUTWARD 9 score…Let alone the TOTAL NET SCORE. Nobody in my group wanted to win the $16 net prize today anyway. OMG, look, did you see that? Look at that fruit fly land. Isn’t that amazing?!” ~Anonymous

-Next week the Munich Oktoberfest Open means the return of Doug “The 4th Reich” Irwin. The sign-up and volunteer boxes have been posted on the website. THE DEADLINE TO SIGN UP FOR BOTH IS MONDAY NIGHT @9PM. We look forward to having you back Doug!

-“I own this tournament.” ~Commissioner Ford. The Commissioner belowed this decree after being asked about his chances in next week’s Munich Oktobefest Open. “Doug can claim ownership of this tournament all he wants but I have tied for first (2014) and won it outright (2015) and I plan on defending it next week.”

–Saturday May 28 we will be playing the 3rd annual Avon Lea Open at Avon Valley GC. There will be a BBQ at Wayne Burke’s following the round of golf. Gerry is working his magic and will attempt to get us preferred tee times but that means we will need to know if you plan to play WELL IN ADVANCE…and backing out would not be a good thing. So please, get in touch with me ASAP about playing. Also, you do not HAVE to play golf to come to Wayne’s BBQ. In fact, we are looking to make this a HUGE Backyard Bash that any self-respecting Windsorite would appreciate!

-Sorry about no report last week boys. It WAS Mother’s Day last Sunday after all…and that’s my writing day.

~The Commissioner

“Do I HAVE to golf today Hunny? I could get wet or something…and it’s so fun inside. Look at this slide and ladder! Whoopie!” ~Waldo

Mark Twain once wrote, “Always do right. This will gratify some people…and astonish the rest.” And so it would be, after a winter of discontent and a spring of uncertainty, KWGA verteran Kevin “Hunchback” Newcombe did just that Saturday morning, astonishing his doubters with a stalwart net 67 en route to his second career victory at the 2016 Skoal Bandits Shootout. The win came just months after being “stunted” for success, a procedure that had many wondering if this once promising career had fizzled before it had even begun. Newcombe performed his own surgery on the grounds that are KenWo, dressed dapper and daft in his Tom Jones form-fitting stretch top, Old Tom Morris chapeau and his now signature Blue Blocker wrap-around shades. It’s an ensemble that had many wondering if dinosaurs do indeed roam the tundra that is Falmouth. “I didn’t think this would come in my first event back on tour after my surgery.” said a relieved Hunchback. “I just wanted to come out here today, get some swings in, acclimate myself to tour competition again…and hopefully inspire my anxiety-ridden students who haven’t seen me in 7 months. Today is proof positive that anyone can win in the KWGA. Whether you are missing digits, have ADHD, mental problems or you’re just plain stunned, this is a place where all your dreams can come true.”

After a non-descript Front Nine 40, the oxygen-filled Newcombe blood got boiling in The Orchard where he carded a flashy -1 gross total following a crowd pleasing birdie at #12. Pars at #14 and #17 gave him a one stroke lead over surrogate boyfriend Grampy and all that stood in the way of victory was a par on the devilish 18th. “I just started thinking off all the help, love and support Grampy has given me over the years. Normally I would be shaking like a leaf and as anxious as a turkey the week of Thanksgiving but I just started thinking of his soft shaded eyes and aloof demeanor…and all the anxiety just went away.” said Hunchback. “You just can’t put a price tag on love.” A titanic drive was followed by a smooth approach into the green and two “Plinko” putts later, the title was his. “Maybe people will finally start to believe in me.” said a choked up Hunchback. “Now if you will excuse me, I have to be home before I get in trouble.”

For Grampy, Saturday was yet another reminder of what it is like to be left without a Prom date. His second straight runner-up finish to start the KWGA season meant the Windsor product took the lead in the FEDEX Cup standings but as he said himself following the round. “I don’t play for second place. Taking the lead with 2 second places finishes is akin to getting diarrhea from your favorite meal. You’re just not left with a satisfying feeling. It does prove that 2 months in Myrtle Beach does pay off. So what if it cost me $3000.00? Repeating as KWGA Champion would make it all worth it. Now if I can get my buddy Hunchback to frig off, then everything will be right in the world again.”

Not to be outdone, the KWGA’s other feel good story Saturday came from Johnny “The Denim Cowboy” Kenny whose 2 new hips have proved to be just the tonic for decades of golf frustration. His second straight Top 5 finish has some calling his return to greatness bordering on  Steve “The Bionic Man” Austin proportions. His net 69 included a round boosting birdie at #13 that will help pay for a few more apple seeds. “I don’t care if they call me Steve Austin or Daisy Duke.” Said a beaming Kenny. “As long as results are coming from all this hard work, that’s all I care about. Sure, I hear them snickering and laughing when they see me warm up before each round but I could care less. I was teased by every “bub” on the mountain growing up because of a lot more embarrassing things than a funky golf swing.”

Dressed For Success

Saturday also saw the return on tour of a newly bearded Jeff “Third” Legge. The crimson studded chin was all smiles and giggles but with a twist on this delightful morning. Apparently the alarm clock must have struck late or his newly minted beau just didn’t have time to lay out his KWGA outfit for the day because something seemed amiss right from the start. “My first clue was that the Nike Swoosh on his golf shirt was swooshing in the wrong direction.” said an amused Sheriff Amirault. “Usually it goes right to left. Jeff’s was going the opposite. Right then I knew his shirt was on inside out. Did I tell him right away? Not a chance.”

The group of Amirault, Maxwell and Burke let the young chicken hawk wander the grounds for 4 hours before finally telling the New Mindless resident that his shirt was askew. “I am glad we have a fashion policeman like John around.” said a sarcastic Commissioner. “He told me my fly was open before my opening tee shot today so what happened to Jeff certainly didn’t surprise me. He should be concentrating more on his own messy wardrobe than all of ours. Maybe he should start spending more time on the practice range than watching so many hours of Haute Couture Channel. You’d think his daughter would have taught him how to dress with all her years of experience in New York. The man is starting to make me nervous.”

Alzheimer’s Attack?

Perhaps Burkie’s best play of the day was corralling a confused and delinquent Bob “Not So Smart” Maxwell following play Saturday morning. After 4 h and 30 minutes of grinding in the warm sun, all that was to be settled on this day were the rangs and overall winner. However, Bob, like a baseball catcher hit in the coconut by one too many foul tips, wandered aimlessly around the KenWo property with the group’s scorecard. “We waited upstairs 30 minutes for him. We thought maybe his wife had called him to pick up some roadkill for dinner and he had left for the day at one point.” said a bemused Commissioner. “I was forced to dispatch Deputy Burke to go find Bob. I mean it’s not like 15 guys didn’t have anything else to do with a sunny Saturday afternoon. There were KWGA wives and children all kicking the dirt, pacing and making small talk for what seemed like an eternity. I don’t know about anyone else but I know I needed a Sitz bath and a feminine napkin after being overdressed in that heat. It’s OK though Bob, my rectal tissue will regenerate.”

Who’s on First?

(AP) Tampa International Airport (April 2016.)

In a scene right out of the WWE Wrestling Federation, KWGA members “Mr. October” and Nick Waszczuk tagged hands at the Tampa International Airport last week with one en route to their shared Pin Palace on the Gulf Coast, while the other headed to New Minas to take on the KWGA’s best at the Skoal Bandits Shootout. It’s been a scene replicated on many occasions over the years. However, it has raised questions as to just what the hell goes on down there in Tampa all winter long. As The Commissioner stated, “First, what people do on their free time is none of my business. As long as members pass their yearly physicals and random drug testing, I can’t say boo. They figured out pretty fast that my office sent Where’s Waldo down to get the scoop this winter…but that didn’t turn out so well. However, if the rumours persist, I may be forced to check it out myself next winter.”

Fisher has entered next week’s Gigglers Invitational while Carey’s whereabouts remain unknown.

News, Notes & Quotes

*It’s nice to report some good news after a difficult spring for some in the KWGA. A special congratulations this week to KWGA members Mike White and Kevin Poirier whose daughters became graduates of higher learning over the weekend. It is obvious that you have done a lot right in your rearing for this to become reality. We look forward to seeing you both on tour again soon!

*If you are making putts out here today, I’ve got bad news for you…you aren’t a very good putter.” ~Double Double

*Speaking of Gerry, the KWGA is happy to announce that Gerry will once again open his back yard and pool to the KWGA in 2016. The date for the event is tentatively scheduled for Saturday August 6th. Last year was an awesome “family day” so mark this event down on your schedule boys and girls.

*The KWGA had a blast from the past appear following Saturday’s play. Jamie “Newfoundland Really?” Brown graced the New Minas grounds to accept his honourary KWGA membership. You would fit in like a glove with the KWGA buddy. Miss ya!

*Next Saturday is the inaugural “Gigglers Invitational” in honour of Rocket Rod’s neighbourhood hang-out. The sign-up and tee time volunteer boxes have been posted on the website.

*Much better printing on the scorecards this week fellas but still a few snafus. Don’t worry Kevin, soon you will understand that when I highlight a hole in orange that it means the score for 8B goes where Hole #5 score used to go. Great job boys!

~The Commissioner

Fellas…

Just wanted to make you aware that another social event has been confirmed for the 2016 season. Wayne Burke has opened his backyard in Windsor following play at the Avon Lea Open at Avon Valley GC on Saturday May 28. All KWGA members are welcome to attend. You do not need to play golf that day to attend.

“Last season was such a rousing success that I figured we would do it again.” said a beaming Grampy. “Plus I got to rub in my victory earlier in the day, so it is a win-win situation for me. Now, if I can just figure out how to get this BBQ to work by the time you all arrive.”

If you need directions, contact me or Wayne or check the tab on the website under SOCIAL EVENTS on the day of the event. It is posted there now.

It wasn’t so much what happened at Saturday’s Captain Crazy Invitational, instead, it was the manor in which it occurred. Hantsport’s own Gary “The Biggest” Johnson laid waste to the KWGA field with a depravity the belies his Cheshire smile for his first career KWGA victory. Time and again The Big Dong pounded his driver long and straight into the fairway and field in a display not seen on tour since that famous horror movie of the 1930’s. However, it wasn’t all machismo and dong at work as Johnson displayed his inner, feminine Ann Darrow, rolling in birdie putts at the Par 3 #8B and 11th along with critical four footers on #17 and #18 that proved to be the difference. “I can’t say enough about what this means to me.” said Johnson. “I’ve come out and taken my licks on tour week after week the last 2 seasons and smiled my way through it. I figured it was time for me to finally grab the girl this week. It has been building and I think those 27 rounds down south this winter proved really helpful for me today. I think have have people running for cover now.”

Johnson arrived on the KenWo grounds Saturday morning with a what turned out to be no more than caddie named Fred and not much fanfare. His start did not do much to attract the TV cameras either with bogies at #1, #2, #3 and a double bogey at #4. However, something tickled the furry fury deep inside the KWGA biggest monster…and greatness ensued. A 38 foot birdie at the Par 3 8B jolted his playing partners after pars on #6, #7 and #9. His “Orchard 4” was completed in one under par gross and the Back Nine charge was officially in full frenzy. “It’s actually quite scary when you see something SO big grow so much…and get angry.” said a startled Commissioner Ford. “I’ve seen my fair share of adult films but watching him at work today would put John Holmes to shame.”

A hiccup double bogey at #14 did nothing to rattle Johnson as he recovered to make critical pars at #15 and #18 to finish the job with his own special money shot. Standing 199 yards from the pin on the left side of the #18th fairway with a 1 stroke lead, it would have been easy for him to lay up and play for bogey. However, a new KWGA Johnson wanted to make amends for his famous “Tin Cup” 13 from two seasons ago. Out came the rescue club and a majestic blast that drew calmly into the right centre of the 18th green. “I looked up and saw his ball sailing so high that I swear I saw Ann Darrow and Jesus Christ himself, holding hands, guiding that ball to safety. Eleven handicaps just aren’t meant to pull off shots like that under pressure, but by the Jesus, he did it.” said a beaming Commissioner Ford. “It’s nice when one of the nice guys wins on Tour. I can promote a guy like him. We have enough villains on tour.”

As it turned out, Johnson’s heroics were Grampy’s downfall. Burke was forced to watch it all unfold helplessly as his playing partner shredded the Back Nine. It was evident Johnson was getting to Grampy by the steam coming from Burke’s forehead and the constant whistling. “It’s annoying when Grampy gets into that “autistic rhythm” whistling.” said a frustrated Commissioner. “The whistling is aimless, off-key and like an abscess hemorrhoid, it just won’t stop bleeding pain.” Not even rock solid pars at #16 and #18 could corral Johnson on this day and Grampy could only rue his bad luck. “I know I tell everyone that they will all even out, but today they just didn’t. I kept rattling change in Gary’s backswing, sticking pins in my Gary Doll and asking Fred to pinch his bum, anything to try and throw him off. Nothing worked…I guess it was just bad luck.”

Rounding out the Top 3 were two old campfire buddies from the 1970’s with stellar net rounds of 69. The irony of that number was not lost on the KWGA brethren who know just how close the two had become since childhood. “Today we competed at golf and not games of underwear tag and flaming blew darts of fire with my dad’s old Bic lighter.” said an exasperated Air Bud. The games may have changed but the fun will always be there.”

Tour Chaos-Full Metal Retard

Fellas,

Our first official week of 2016 was not a good one on several fronts. Maybe we have gotten lazy, forgotten some basics or just generally ingested too many chemicals over the winter. Here are our issues from Saturday…

*No shows and late withdrawals. OK, I know that things come up. However, if you can’t play Saturday or you have zero control of your life, make sure you get in touch with me or someone as soon as you can. DO NOT send me emails 12 minutes before your scheduled tee time (Kevin). I am at the golf course 45-60 minutes before the first group tees off whether I am in that group or not, so I won’t see any email.

Late withdrawals throw off the groupings and “prepared” scorecards which is at the epicenter of organization. It is near impossible for me to calculate the weekly NET winner and FEDEX Points with 16 faces staring at me when the scorecards look like they have been handled by a Grade 2 class from Bangladesh.

*Tardiness- It is impossible to organize 15-20 men when we show up 5 minutes before scheduled tee times. Invariably someone will withdraw so it is important to get to the golf course 20-30 minutes in advance of tee times if possible. That gives us some flexibility in rearranging the groups if something goes frickity-fawk. If not, Mike White will be forced to jump in a cart and catch up to a group 2 holes ahead every week. Plus, we don’t want to see him almost cold-cock Scott Woodworth again with a predictable duck hook, short left.

*Scorecards- Make sure you check your score with the scorekeeper before leaving the course. I do not want to be judge and jury for scoring. Therefore it is YOUR responsibility to make sure your score is settled BEFORE leaving the golf course. 6pm calls to my house and instant messages to my Facebook account will not be accepted. Fellas, when I got home yesterday, I spent 3 hours listening to Nirvana whilst inhaling as much aresol spray as I could to numb my pain as I went through those scorecards. They were illegible…that’s a layman’s term for ridiculously bad.

First, let me model correct behavior…

Now, let’s look at some other attempts….

Now, let’s look at the scorecard that had me listening to Nirvana and reaching for the aresol spray…

I love you all…but let’s get better at this please. Thank-you.

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News, Notes & Quotes

-“The Saturday Morning Flu seems to be spreading like wildfire around the KWGA.” -Commissioner Ford. The Commissioner muttered the words as he watched 16 men manage to bungle the fawk out of Saturday’s groupings.

-Gary “Biggest” Johnson was this week’s winner on tour but he did have one misstep Saturday. After his second deuce of the round on the Par 3 11th hole and a near miss on the Par 3 15th, Gary muttered, “I guess this was a bad day to not enter the 2’s competition in the Pro Shop.”

-The last week in May will come quickly. The Apple Blossom Tournament will be taking over KenWo that weekend. We need to decide as a group if we are going back to Avon Valley GC to play? Do we want to have a BBQ after?

-FYI, I will post the updated handicap information on the website by Thursday of each week this season. It will take a little bit more time to complete each week, so thank-you for your patience in advance.

-Next Saturday is the 3rd annual Skoal Bandits Shootout. I have posted the sign-up and tee time volunteer boxes on the website. The deadline for both is Monday Night @ 9pm. If you are having trouble signing in, call or email me ASAP. Thanks.

~The Commissioner

The 2016 KWGA Season has finally arrived after a winter dreaming of tree lined fairways, hazards and hooks…but for some, distant southern skies, winter golf and lunch with strippers was reality. The question is, just who will that favour in the season-opening Flower Cart Classic? Here are the odds for this week’s tournament based on statistical analysis, past history….and some good old fashioned gut instinct.

Grampy Burke (3-1)- After winning the FEDEX Cup championship in 2015, Grampy worked diligently on refining and breaking down his swing over the winter while in Myrtle Beach, SC. Word has it that he even offered to sleep at/with the local golf pro at The Legends CC just to get those extra swings in. The work seems to have paid off as Grampy looked impressive 12 days ago at Paragon, firing a sub-80 round. However, Saturday he will have to stare into the eyes of the man he beat in the final last season, Mr. Wildcat KK Poirier. “I’m not scared of guys who wear a suit all day. Yes, I am the defending champion but I am hungry also. I need tournament winnings to help pay for some clubs I bought for my girlfriend/fiance’/wife. I knew I should not have let her use my Cobra driver!”

Hyundai Simmons (3-1)- Selling cars is second nature to Simmons. Being a hustler has also translated to the KWGA Tour where he has won a tournament and tied for 1st two times in his three career KWGA starts, so don’t let the fancy, bold clothes fool ya. Underneath that sexy veneer is a Kobe Bryant like competitor who loves to fill his pockets with dead fishy’s money. If he can get his irons off the ground Saturday, we may be looking at yet another “Miracle on Grass”. The KWGA’s biggest threat to Mark The Shark Gavin’s Sexy Pants of the Year in 2016.

Weasie Locke (7-2)- Just what Weasie does over the long Nova Scotia winters is anyone’s guess. What we know for sure is that it doesn’t include hitting golf balls. However, make no mistake, Weasie has taken to low net competition like a transgender to unisex washrooms…and Saturday should be no different. Weasie came out of the blocks fast last season, finishing Top 3 in his first three tournaments while being under par in all 3 of them. Now that the shotguns and ammo have been put away, can he put away a 4 footer for another win on tour?

The Hunchback Newcombe (4-1)- Nobody cried wolf quite like The Hunchback during the 2015 season and 2016 off-season. The Falmouth Faker has leaned on”half-hearted” excuses far too long and no one is buying them anymore. There is no question he will be well rested and chomping at the bit come Saturday, and armed with a 9 handicap will have plenty of wiggle room to get the job done. Rumour has it that he will be grouped with Commissioner Ford come Saturday. “Nothing is cast in stone but I think it’s important that Kevin be monitored closely. Who knows what he will try and get away with.” ~Com. Ford

Mr. October-Fisher (5-1)- A recent study by Men’s Health Magazine discovered that men who have lunch with “un-dressers” are 99% more successful in their daily lives and 100% more successful in their professional/sports life. It doesn’t matter that Tiger Woods was the case study, Fisher presents a lot of problems for players competing against him. (a) He’s played golf all winter (b) He has zero golf anxiety and (c) His buddy Nick won’t be there Saturday to take his mind off golf. It all adds up to a solid performance Saturday….maybe even a winner.

Inspector Gadget Rushton (11-2)- This season, Rushton officially enters the fray after a probationary season in 2015. After passing all tests, and plenty of gas, the only rookie on tour in 2016 will be looking to step out of Harold and Nick’s shadow for the first time in his life. Known more for his technological knowledge, Rushton will be looking to take advantage of less than ideal course conditions and his opponents lack of conditioning to get a quick jump in the FEDEX Standings. “I know I am an unknown and no one expects anything from me, I am just trying to make Harold and Nick proud this season.” ~Rushton

Mr. Wildcat Poirier (6-1)- Nobody has the green light from home quite like Poirier. Rumour has it that his wife is filming “Housewives of Halifax” and wants him out of camera range every Saturday. Whatever the truth is, no one will be hungrier than Poirier in 2016. After his Greg Norman collapse in the FEDEX Cup Finals, Poirier has vowed to get out of the blocks much faster this season. “I can’t change the past. That would be like me trying to go back to my own High School Prom at KCA in 1986…and not Horton High School’s event in 1988. I’ve learned so much from last season. I don’t feel like being the bug on the windshield this season…and no more white sheets with 2 eye holes…Never again.” ~KK

Double Double Elliott (7-1)- I’ve personally seen the worn out circle on his golf simulator screen. It’s an intimidating sight. Nobody has traveled more miles or hit more golf balls over the winter than The Bog Road Bomber so we can expect plenty of solid shots from him on Saturday. Florida, Vegas and The Caribean have all been witness to Nova Scotia’s answer to Gordie Smith. The only question Saturday will be, will the rough course conditions hinder his scoring ability? The upside for Elliott, win or lose Saturday, is that his wife can blow some glass and make him a trophy if need be.

Telley-Kelley (8-1)- The much anticipated return of Telley-Kelley commences Saturday and not a moment too soon. After an Ilie Nastase finish to 2015, Kelley is primed with new wedges, new attitude and a shaved down putter that could have people talking about him in the same breath as Bernhard Langer’s recent PGA Masters run. Kelley prefers to be under the radar and that’s just what he will be on Saturday. A solid ball-striking exhibition at Paragon 2 weeks ago has also served him well…and just wait until you see him stop the ball on a dime with his new wedges…scary.

Denim Cowboy Kenny (9-1)- So what if, inside his body, it feels like a bag of hammers and nails. Being tough comes naturally to farmers after all. Kenny struggled after turning pro in 2015 but had neighbour Darrell Cook put him on a strict program of red meat, beer and supplements to get him ready for 2016. Pay no attention that he can’t compress a golf ball, instead, pay attention to how he can maneuver his way around a golf course like Cam Porter in his apple trees. It really should be on the National Geographic Channel.

Commissioner Ford (10-1)- The Commissioner, saddened by the recent passing of his namesake, Rob Ford, briefly considered retiring his namesake in 2016. The pain of his loss has been immeasurable and akin to listening to Rod’s layrnxy uninterrupted for 60 minutes. However, after consulting with friends, KWGA members and drug dealers in the greater metropolitan Toronto area, The Commissioner has decided to dedicate the 2016 season to Mr. Ford. “This won’t be easy Saturday. Ford grew on me and I just can’t shake his influence. I have set up a RANG foundation this season. One dollar for every birdie this season will go straight to my “Return to Tootsies Cabaret-Miami” Fund. It’s just been too long.” ~Ford

Where’s Waldo? Murray (11-1)- An off-season attempt at training in Florida and South Carolina over the winter came up snake-eyes for Waldo-Murray in what can only be called a golfing tragedy. Waldo is seemingly the only KWGA member who could enter a brothel…and be asked to come back tomorrow. Dealing with success is a learned behavior and Murray will start that process at Saturday’s aptly named Flower Cart Classic. Recent trends say that Waldo is a slow starter as last season it took him 4 tournaments before he cracked the Top 3. Has he put the work in over the winter? We’ll see on Saturday.

Air Bud Woodowrth (12-1)- Air Bud’s start last season was less than stellar. He failed to crack the Top 10 in his first 5 tournaments. Getting a semen sample from a rabid Doberman Pincer would have been more likely. However, Air Bud has that innate ability to lull one to sleep with his game…and then pounce like that rabid Doberman. His game to start the year is a mystery and has made Vegas Odds-makers shy away from him this week. Rumour has it that Air Bud has stopped all prescriptions and focused more on actual practice. Let’s see if it works.

Captain Shitacular-Levy (13-1)- Never in the history of the KWGA has a player won The Masters and had The Shanks in the same season. His “shitacular” 2015 season was a combination of extreme highs and lows that always had the gallery lining the fairways wearing metal mesh. However, Levy is just as capable to hit a metal flagstick and that’s what makes predicting his performance as difficult as babysitting his children. We may only see him 4 times a season…but it’s always worth watching.

Maxwell-Smart (14-1)- Now I know what you are thinking, how can a 3 handicap be a 14-1 underdog. Maxwell-Smart will be asked to shoot a sub-70 round on a golf course manicured like The Killing Fields in Cambodia…and that will be tough to do. Of course the North Mountain kinda resembles Cambodia, so who knows? Maxwell also looked impressive at Paragon 2 weeks ago and nobody knows how to quiet a crowd quite like Maxwell…maybe he has a show-stopping performance in his bag Saturday.

With any league, there must be parameters lest there be chaos. A few things in our league needed to be tightened up and after talking with our membership over the winter, the following was the overwhelming consensus.

Note: Remember, these guidelines deal mainly with the $1 NET weekly winner and the Season long Race for the FEDEX Cup, especially #1 because if you are losing balls on a hole, you won’t be winning a RANG.

.

1. (a) PROVISIONAL TEE SHOTS- When you have hit the ball off the tee in an area that MAY be off the golf course property, you MUST hit a provisional tee shot. Here are those areas.

*RIGHT on #3

*RIGHT on #4

*LEFT on #12

*LEFT on #14

*LEFT on #16

On all other tee shots, if you chose not to hit a provisional, drop a ball in the fairway adjacent to where your ball entered the woods. YOU WILL THEN BE PLAYING YOUR 4^TH SHOT. Nobody will be winning a RANG when dropping their 4^th in the fairway.

(b) PROVISIONALS FROM FAIRWAY– You should hit a provisional if you hit your second or third shot from the fairway into an area that COULD BE lost. If you can’t find your ball, drop it in the fairway adjacent to where your ball went in woods and take a 2 stroke penalty.

NOTE: If at any time during the round you are forced to drop a ball in the fairway, YOU ARE ELIMINATED FROM WINNING THE WEEKLY NET PRIZE. However, you WILL still get your FEDEX POINTS for that week.

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2. BALL SECURITY– Play the ball as it lies UNLESS we are playing “Lift, Clean and Place” during wet or soft conditions. That will be determined before the first group tees off #1.
3. PUTTING & GIMMIES– (a) Put out your birdie putts (b) Wait until someone in your group verbally gives you a putt before picking it up or slapping it at the hole.
4. HAVE FUN– After all, that’s what it’s all about.

Gentlemen…

I just wanted to spend a moment to address our handicap system. As with any league, ours is going through some growing pains. The main topic I heard around the water cooler in 2015 was our handicap system. Without going through history, suffice it to say we have such a wide variance in skill level, a system was needed. I would like to further streamline it for 2016.

First and foremost, I want everyone to know that this is a suggestion. However, I will be doing all the math week after week, so it would be nice to have something easy and concise to use. I have found a website online that calculates handicaps. It takes into account our course rating (69.2), slope (126-white tees) and 10 of your last 20 scores. Furthermore, most of us have played 20 KWGA Tour rounds in the last 2 seasons, so there is a full set of data to work with in calculating a proper handicap. So I went back and logged everyone’s last 20 scores, put them into the website calculator and it spit it the proper handicaps.

http://www.golfsoftware.com/hsd/free-golf-handicap-calculator.html

So what would this mean for our league? I think it would be the best and fairest system going forward. It takes the guess work out of everything and simplifies the process. The only change that I would have to start calculating is the “equitable” strokes from your rounds. Meaning, if you have a 10 on the Par 5 14th at KenWo and your handicap index is 6.4, you can only take a double bogey 7 for handicap purposes. I do not mind going through the scorecards after the round to do this, in fact, I enjoy numbers. If you are unfamiliar with the equitable stroke system, it is simple. Check out the chart below.

Equitable Stroke Control- Handicap System

Let’s use me as an example.

Derek Thomson- (Course Handicap- 4)     Hole #14 KenWo (Par 5)        Score on Hole- 10

Let’s just say I had a meltdown on the Par 5 14th hole. It’s possible after all! I mean there was a sand wedge hanging 80 feet up in a tree for most of last summer because of me. Ahem. For calculating KWGA Handicap purposes ONLY, my score on the hole would be 7. This is done to prevent bloating of handicaps based on a blow up hole.

Listen fellas, it’s not that hard to calculate and I don’t mind doing it in the spirit of having the best system in place for the KWGA. The system last season was a baby step in this direction and gave us all an idea of how handicaps work. Plus, some of you may even find out what your real handicap is, since you have never had one before! The NSGA may even start to recognize our KWGA handicaps because of the previously stated fact!

I hope we can all get on board with this tweak. However, I will await to hear from the membership SO GO AHEAD AND DROP A NOTE IN THE COMMENTS SECTION. Below you will find the updated handicaps heading into the 2016 season.

~Commissioner Ford

KWGA Player Handicaps 2016

Fellas…

The following is the list of people who will be attending the KWGA season-ending banquet at West Side Charlies on Friday November, 20.

TALE OF THE BILLIARD TAPE

Derek Thomson- Golf ability trumps billiards skill…but will try hard.

Wayne Burke- Been playing games all his life…why stop now?

Rod Murray- Billiard ability is in direct correlation with rum consumption.

Gerry Elliott- Sneaky good. You always have to watch the quiet ones.

John Amirault- Wants “Bud” as his partner. Maybe there is more to this story?

Nick Levy- Cushioned boundaries will no doubt help this man’s confidence.

Gary Johnson– Barred from any and all pool halls in The Valley.

Kevin Poirier– “What else do you think we did on all those baseball road trips?”

Mark Gavin– Mark’s always been good with his “cue”…I am sure he is fine with a stick.

Mike White– Tag Team partners will be in attendance.

Kevin Newcombe– Game night decision because he needs to spend some time up Roger’s ass.

The KWGA Ryder Cup is only in its second year but it quickly has become both a coveted and contentious prize. Both were in evidence this past week in both its preparation and execution. Each stage of the 2015 Ryder Cup was fought tooth and nail, beginning with the Player Selection on Thursday night.

The Draft- Thursday Oct. 8

FEDEX Cup Champion Wayne “Grampy” Burke, Rod “Where’s Waldo” Murray and Commissioner Derek Ford took the responsibility of captaincy for 2015. Burke, in honor of his FEDEX title, Commissioner Ford for his work behind the scenes and Waldo because, well, because nobody else wanted the job. “Right from the start this was a Gong Show.” said Commissioner Ford. “Trying to organize these two less than technologically savvy men was like being a Head Director at a Bonnie Lea Farm Day Camp. Lack of focus, ability to listen and general adherence to the simplest of directions was a theme that just could not be broken throughout the organizational process. It took us an hour and 29 emails to get the teams picked…but by the Jesus…we got ‘er done. I did need a nap after it was completed. God Bless our social workers.”

The last arguing point was a heated one with the issue being “whether players should know where they were drafted. “Telling someone that they were the last pick could be devastating to one’s golfing ego.” said a furious Coach Waldo-Murray. “The Sheriff must never know he was my last round draft pick. That would further damage our relationship.” So the motion was passed not to divulge any draft information…even though player handicaps have been readily available on the website for the last 25 weeks.”

NWO– Thomson, Simmons, *Woodworth, Fisher

Underdogs– Burke, Newcombe, Carey, Rushton

Tall Course Lites– Murray, Kelley, Bryson, Amirault

*Would withdraw just hours after being picked #1 overall.

Woodworth’s new addition would vie to replace Air Bud on the NWO roster…but would come up just short of filling the bill.

Controversy Brewing- Friday Oct. 9

With all details seemingly in place for Saturday’s tournament, a late withdrawal caused an uproar that would permeate the rest of the 2015 Ryder Cup. “Air Bud” Woodworth was forced to withdraw on Friday due to an ailing new puppy. “I say he should stop eating those new Purina Dog Chow treats he buys for his 4 legged friend and get back to hitting balls.” said a dejected Commissioner. “Not to mention a new beau that is rumoured to be the first caddy on the KWGA Tour…to debut in 2016. I think what we have seen with Air Bud is a simple case of just how powerful pets and “virgina” are on the male psyche. We as men can never seem to turn down a sad puppy face nor a romp in the bed feathers. We wish ‘Air Bud’ all the best but I had a team to manage and we had to move on.” said the Commissioner. “It’s not every day that you have to find someone to play tournament golf on Thanksgiving Weekend with 9 hours notice…but after an exhaustive search and 8 negative replies from possible replacements… we got it done.”

Indeed, a KWGA Amber Alert was issued at 9:42am Friday for someone to fill an opening on the New World Order roster. NWO Assistant Captain Pete Simmons commented at Friday evenings press conference at KenWo’s Club Closing ceremonies. “I told The Commissioner not to worry about a thing. That the situation had been rectified, That we had a 4th team member who would proudly wear the NWO logo on Saturday morning.” And with that, everyone went to bed in preparation for the mornings big match.

The Matches- Saturday Oct. 10

Saturday morning greeted the Ryder Cup teams with the coldest air of the 2015 season. A cool 4 degrees with swirling wind gusts of 55km/hr meant that even returning superstar Arnie Telly-Kelley replaced his Danny Lake Gaspereau River tubing cut-offs with a winter toque and plenty of Kleenex for a case of the sniffles. The only antidote to the conditions seemed to be a 40 oz of “Fireball” that would make the rounds among teams like a silent fart on a crowded bus. It would truly be a day where only the mentally strong…or emotionally detached would survive.

The side story before tee time Saturday was undoubtedly just who the NWO had called in to replace the ailing Air Bud Woodworth. Eventually limping to #1 tee would be the unmistakable gate of “Shooter” MacKay. After a night of playing host and hob-knobbing with the membership, The Shooter rose from the comfort of his warm nest in Wolfville to KenWo’s fabled #1 tee box. The gasps, groans and glares at his arrival meant tensions would be high all day as competitors stared at The NWO in disgust. “They had to call in the nuclear bomb instead of handyman Howie Barkhhouse to fix an ant problem in the kitchen didn’t they?” said a dismissive Where’s Waldo. “It’s not like just last year I had Gerry Elliott captain me to a landslide victory and all the financial rang money that that provides. The Commissioner may just be getting a bit too power hungry these days. As Trailer Park Ricky once said, What comes around is all around. Don’t worry Commissioner…I won’t forget this.”

The Man, The Myth…and now a Ryder Cup Legend…Mr. October Harold Fisher.

With all the attention on The Shooter to start the day, it would be two unlikely heroes who would spear-head the NWO Attack. Mr. October-Fisher, fresh off a disappointing FEDEX playoffs, came out swinging on #2 with a 40 foot bomb for the NWO’s first of 11 birdies on the day. “Facing an uphill putt, through the top-dressing and areation holes, we were resigned to trying to make par. That’s why you putt right there.” said an ecstatic Hyndai Simmons. “You just never know what Fisher is capable of. I mean, he can winterize a house, put a metal dock in at the lake…so putting a golf ball should be easy.”

Then it was Simmons turn at #4. An unlikely 44 foot putt up and over a ridge with 5 feet of break, would trickle into the hole, and the NWO was off and running. Not known for his deft putting stroke, the bomb brought giggles of joy and a chorus of ‘take THAT Waldo’ from the 4 horsemen in the NWO stable. “I love seeing when campers at Bonnie Lea get to go on day trips. The expressions of joy and happiness are unmistakeable. That’s what Pete’s bomb dropping on #4 felt like.” said The Commissioner. “I think we may have even stuttured a little in disbelief.” The Commissioner’s 9 iron to eight feet at #5 and subsequent drained birdie putt meant -3 after just 5 holes…and the NWO’s “ringer” had putted just once during that span. Birdies at #6, #7 and a Simmonds dart to 2 feet on #9 put the competition into the rear view mirror…only disaster could impede the NWO from victory. The Back 9 was a mere victory lap as the NWO would go -5 for the inward half (-11 overall), falling just 1 stroke short of the tournament record of -12 set by Elliott, Murray and Fisher in 2014.

“The Shooter” MacKay tantalizes his Ryder Cup competition with a little game of tap…tap…tap late Saturday morning on the 18th green. I still think Woodworth could do it too.” ~The Commissioner

As the NWO waited to play their 3rd shots from off the 18th green, a confident MacKay calmly bounced his prestine Pro V 30 times off its tiny face, even stopping it on several occasions to the delight of some…but not all. A bitter and seething Murray’s chainsaw soft voice could hold water no more. “Would Scott Woodworth be doing THAT right now?” Ya, you heard me. Do you think Woodworth could bounce a ball 30 times off his clubface like your ringer over there?” MacKay would shrug off the barb and calmly filet a buttery chip shot to 10 inches for par, and the 2015 Ryder Cup was in the bag.

“For me personally, having to sit out the FEDEX Playoffs was agony.” said the Commissioner. “To get 12 guys out here on this kind of weather day says a lot about our membership. We have some guys that love the game and gathering as one. That’s what this is all about after all.”

News, Notes & Quotes

-The Commissioner has donated $10 of his Ryder Cup winnings back into the KWGA Kitty in an effort to grow the league for next season…and soften the ferocity of the NWO’s win on Saturday.

-Speaking of the KWGA Kitty. We have a $204.86 balance. It is still here at the house and I haven’t bought any Christmas gifts with it in case you are wondering. If we have enough interest in a post-season banquet, I may use some of the money for some “awards” etc if that is passable with the majority? I will await to hear from the group. Otherwise, we will save it for next year’s tour.

-I will post a poll on the website this week to see how much interest there is in gathering in November for a KWGA Closing banquet at West Side Charlies in New Minas. I am thinking a Friday or Saturday evening would be best? The thinking here is that the “city dwellers” would be more likely to be able to attend on a Friday or Saturday night.

-Thanks again to those who came out and played Saturday. It was a very fun day with a gathering full of laughs at the bar following the round!

***IMPORTANT***…Fellas, please check in on the website from time to time over the next 6 months for articles (funny) and information regarding the 2016 KWGA season. I want to keep you informed and will undoubtedly need your input/response to several league initiatives. That way I won’t have to send 100 emails. Thanks boys!

Peace & Love….

Your Commissioner (2013-Present)

NBA legend and Hall of Fame coach of the Houston Rockets Rudy Tomjanovich once uttered the phrase, “Never underestimate the heart of a champion” after his 1994 Rockets had won the NBA Championship. So it was for KWGA legend Wayne “Grampy” Burke Saturday morning at the KWGA’s crowning tournament, the Tour Championship. Trailing bulldog and underdog Kevin “Mr. Wildcat” Poirier by a whopping 10 strokes after 7 holes of play, Grampy found the fountain of youth once more…and a whole lot of Tomjanovich, in scaling an insurmountable mountain to win the 2015 FEDEX Cup in a sudden death playoff. The sheer depravity of his assault in catching Mr. Wildcat was like watching the National Geographic channel on steroids. “He was a boa constrictor slowly taking the air out of a gazelle.” said a startled Commissioner Ford. “Watching something like that is part fascination, part sickness and definitely entertaining. He just wouldn’t let go of his dream. People could learn a lot from him.”

Saturday’s conditions could not have been worse. A cool, whipping wind with a spit of mist followed the combatants throughout the day but that did not stop fireworks from striking early. The duo both made birdies at #3 with Mr. Wildcat following Burke into the hole to take a 5 shot lead to the 4th tee. Grampy then fell 6 shots down when Mr. Wildcat was able to make par at the Par 3 5th. The avalanche of strokes lost seemed never-ending when Mr. Wildcat smothered the hole with a miraculous bunker shot on the 6th that the gallery is still wondering how it stayed out. “That was a big moment for me. I think Grampy knew I had come with my A-Game when I hit that shot.” said a sullen Poirier. “Maybe if that goes in, I slam the door emotionally on him.” Grampy’s double bogey at #7 stretched the lead to 10 strokes and a furious Burkie disgustedly rifled his ball into the pond skirting that deadly green. That seemed to set a fire under the Windsor Spitfire…and that’s when the drama began.

Grampy’s unlucky Pro V was given to the Golf Gods after yet another bogey on the 7th hole.

As the rain intensified and the wind chill plummeted, nobody could have foreseen anyone playing the last 11 holes at 1 over par, but that’s just what Grampy did. Pars at #8, #9, #10, #11 and #12 foreshadowed a 5 foot birdie put on #13 that patiently dropped into the hole to cut Mr. Wildcat’s lead to just 3 strokes, and the two men headed into the Valley with a change in momentum. When Poirier was unable to drain a 15 footer for par on #14 his lead had dwindled to 2. That’s when the “Burkie Universe” started to take over. A super-thinned 5 iron on #15 trundled safely to the back fringe when it looked like there might be an opening for Poirier to take back a shot. “Thin to win…I have heard that almost as much as ‘They all even’ out.” said a mystified Commissioner. “The hole was playing very difficult. Into the wind, rain really at its peak. He hit the center of the club face and that’s what you have to do in those kinds of conditions I guess.” Burkie’s birdie putt nestled to tap in range and Poirier was left with a 25 footer for par that wouldn’t find the bottom. The lead was now just one.

The 16th hole is already hard enough but Poirier thought he would make it a dangerous one as well. After a wayward drive that found the woods between #16 and #17, the gallery gasped watching as his cleats let go beneath, sending the Kentville baller airborn as he attempted to repel down the hill. The fall left him shaken and looking more like a defensive lineman after 4 quarters in the rain at Lambeau Field. The fall also seemed to serve as a wake-up call as his 3rd shot from 165 yards into the wind from 17 fairway found the 16th green putting him back in the hole. “It really was his finest moment on the Back 9.” said Commissioner Ford. “I looked over and saw his feet parallel to the ground, thinking, he just broke his back, I know it. But he calmly got up and hit a shotgun blast into the wind and rain. That was a thing of beauty.” The duo then faced approach shots into #17 and it was Burkie who managed to make par. The match was now all square standing on the 18th tee.

Mr. Wildcat’s fall on the 16th hole was both cruel and ironic on a day that saw him soil a brand new pair of slacks.

Both men struggled to find the final green through the driving rain and in the end it came down to Poirier and 5 feet for bogey to send the match to sudden death. His putt rimmed the hole, and defying current science and course conditions, backed into the hole. A tantalizing shot that had the gallery on their knees. “I really couldn’t believe it went in. When a putt goes by the hole you just don’t expect it to fall back in, but that’s what it did. You have to give credit to Poirier. He dug in and made a clutch putt after everything that had gone on.” said Commissioner Ford. “I was glad at that moment that he wasn’t MY opponent.

The sudden-death playoff was anti-climactic compared to their first 18 holes but not without a clutch shot. Grampy summoned his best pitch of the season from 20 yards in front of the 1st green to a foot. His par closed out the KWGA’s greatest comeback in league history…and possibly his finest hour as an amateur golfer. “I can’t say enough about Mr. Wildcat today.” said a relieved and happy Grampy. “He came at me and had me on the ropes early. I think you all can see that it’s just a matter of time for him. I just found a way to get myself back in the match and chip away. My goal was to make the Valley 5 mean something and that birdie on #13 was huge for my confidence. This is a great day for me. I was counted out midway through the season. Nobody expected me to be here so it makes this that much sweeter.”

Note: Burke and Poirier also shared the title of Tour Championship winner with Pete “Hyundai” Simmons giving Simmons a win and T1 in his two events on Tour this season. Great job Pete!

Grampy consoles Mr. Wildcat as the duo walk off the 1st green of their epic FEDEX Cup Sudden Death Final.

KWGA Intercontinental Champion

“The Donald” Bryson

The Donald became the first winner of the KWGA Intercontinental Championship with his 2 round total of 37 points. Mr. October-Fisher (29 pts) and Gary “Biggest” Johnson (27 points) rounded out a valiant effort for the Top 3.

With so much drama going on in the FEDEX Final it was easy to overlook another outstanding accomplishment on Saturday. Hortonville’s version of “The Donald” managed to hold off the rest of the pack and win the inaugural KWGA intercontinental Championship with his 7th place finish. Bryson’s win at The Deutsche Bank Championship meant somebody would have to come out of nowhere and win the Tour Championship, alas, Mr. October-Fisher or The Biggest Johnson could muster the score to do so. Congrats Donnie!

News, Notes & Quotes

-“It just seems like once September comes a general Ma-Laz comes over the group.” ~Grampy Burke

Don’t you mean “malaise“ Burkie? Burkie’s utterance was in reference to KWGA members dropping like flies once the calendar hits September 1st.

-Next week we have a window for a Ryder Cup team event. If you are interested sign-up on the website or email me. I think it would be a fun way to end our season. Last year was a lot of fun!

-Thank-you to Gerry for driving to KenWo early in the morning to drop off the trophy. That’s called being a team player! It was much appreciated!

-Thanks also to those who came out and played in less than ideal conditions. It made the days events both fun and gave the event importance to 2 guys who were grinding away for the right to be named 2015 KWGA Champion.

-I think it would be fun to have another KWGA Closing Banquet at West Side Charlie’s in November. Maybe we can throw around some dates that work? I am thinking a Friday or Saturday night so that people don’t have to worry about work in the morning.

-Lastly, I just want to thank everyone for coming out to play so often in 2015. I know for me personally it makes Saturday a lot more fun and an opportunity to play with all of you differing personalities. The social events take things to the next level and they are much appreciated. I think we have something good here and hopefully we will continue this tradition in 2016.

Hope to see you next Saturday October 10 for the 2015 KWGA Ryder Cup!

~The Commissioner

After 21 weeks of golf excitement, the KWGA season comes down to this. Two men with varying skills sets but one common theme…competitors. Poirier has defied all the odds after a horrific first half of the season and finds himself staring senior royalty dead in the eyeballs. Burke also struggled early in the season with a change in putting style and a sudden urge to play a draw. Here is the “Tale of the Tape” for Saturday’s FEDEX Final match.

FEDEX CUP FINAL- TALE OF THE TAPE

The Break Down

DRIVER– Burke’s uncanny knack for hitting the fairway, even off of trees, is unmatched in the KWGA and possibly within Atlantic Canada. Poirier will have to block out the sight of Burke’s ball constantly in the fairway and focus on his own drive.

Advantage- Burke

IRONS- Poirier has slowly improved this part of his game as the season has progressed. He isn’t quite “Iron Byron” but you will no doubt see some flashes of greatness within each round. Burke’s confidence in his long iron game is highlighted on the longer Par 3’s and approaches into the more difficult Par 4’s at KenWo.

Advantage Burke

WEDGES– Burke’s struggles with his shorter irons is on record, however, he has worked hard on cutting down his swing on such shots and could surprise. Poirier has made a living with these clubs with a more compact swing.

Advantage- Poirier

CHIPPING– Even the best PGA Tour Pros struggle to hit 2/3 of the 18 greens during a round. There will be plenty of chipping on Saturday. Poirier had plenty of practice at this early in the year and seems more confident than Burke at this skill. I can’t remember the last time Burke chipped in.

Advantage- Poirier

PUTTING– Burke’s strength is 6 feet and in. His new “Jordan Spieth” approach to looking at the hole while stroking it has been a revelation to a man used to hitting a frozen rubber disk. Poirier can get hot with his short stick and makes a few longer ones on average.

Advantage- None

SCRAMBLING– Burke has made a living finding ways to simply “golf his ball” when he doesn’t have his “A-Swing”. It’s a skill that can drive an opponent crazy. Poirier is no slouch in this area as he comes to the course each week mentally prepared to try and save par.

Advantage- Burke

INTANGIBLES– The golf universe is made up of two types of golfers. Those who wish they had it….and those who KNOW they are lucky. We all know Burke thrives on the alignment of the stars more han anyone but he is battle tested in the competitive arena. No one can question Poirier’s mettle and he dove into the 2015 KWGA head first as a rookie, swam with the sharks…and is left standing at the end. However, the “Burke Universe” is just THAT powerful.

Advantage- Burke

EXPERIENCE– Burke has 66 years, plays big money games with his buddy Fred, has a gaggle of Club Championship and Senior Club Championship rounds, Bluenose Cup experience and played in last years FEDEX playoffs. Poirier is a rookie on tour but has won at various levels…but it’s been a while.

Advantage- Burke

HANDICAP FACTOR– Poirier will have a 4 shot cushion teeing off #1. He will be playing the equivalent of 17 holes to Burke’s 18. The fact that Poirier hasn’t broken 80 on tour all season means nothing. Pars will be golden and it will be up to Burke to make 2-3 birdies in this one. If they don’t come and Poirier keeps peeling off the pars, then Burke will need to force the action in the difficult Valley 5 finish. Don’t underestimate the value of position…and Poirier has this in spades Saturday.

Advantage- Poirier (Double)

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Have Fun Fellas!!!

Will Poirier be distracted by an elusive rodent that has infested his Halifax abode?

AP- Halifax, NS

With just days remaining before his FEDEX Championship match vs Grampy Burke, KWGA stalwart Mr. Wildcat Poirier has been hard at work…but not on his golf game. In a scene reminiscent of Bill Murray’s chase for the elusive gopher, Poirier has been dealing with more than a slice. Instead, he has been forced to devote most of his energy in another direction. “My wife has been screaming and hollering all week, blowing up Facebook for home remedies, no sleep or chesterfield rugby….this is a disaster.” said a downtrodden Poirier. “I can’t think of a worse time for this to happen. I would rather the in-laws be here telling me the same old stories I have heard since I started dating my wife in High School. I am starting to think Burkie planted this freaking thing in my house on purpose. If he wants the FEDEX Cup THAT BADLY, then screw him. I will show the slimy bastard.”

The Poirier’s have called in a local exterminator to hopefully rectify a raccoon that has decided to make their attic home. “I tried everyting short of dynamite like in Caddyshack. I just couldn’t get the bastard and had to admit defeat.” said Mr. Wildcat. “Sometimes you just have to call in the professionals. Hopefully now I can concentrate on my preparation and my wife…instead of this freaking rodent!”

Mr. Wildcat meets Mr. Raccoon in a scene straight out of Caddyshack.

The KWGA’s money man obviously knows his way around a bank…and knows how to make a splash at more than just the polls. KWGA veteran and Wolfville Wanderer “The Donald” Bryson did both Saturday morning at the Deutsche Bank Championship with an impressive -3 score to take the title by 5 strokes for his first career victory on tour. It was the KWGA’s 10th first time winner this season and a popular one, even if the polls don’t say so quite yet. The Donald’s Back Nine 37 strokes bested the next closest competitor by 2 strokes and included 4 straight pars to start the inward trek. That was followed up with pars at #15 and the dastardly 16th hole. The Donald’s shot-making prowess seemed to rattle his playing partners into submission like a Tony Romo sack. “I guess it is pretty ironic my first win on tour is sponsored by a financial institution.” said The Donald. “I spent a lot of years hob-nobbing with inflated egos during my past career so I know what it takes. Now, just like that other Donald, I am going to re-invent myself. I got my win, so don’t be overly surprised if Trump is the next President of the United States. I think I proved today that anything is possible.”

There were plenty of expectations for The Donald heading into 2015 after brushes with excellence to end the 2014 campaign. However, Bryson’s season was derailed with family strife and he was forced to take some time off tour. “The Donald is like that chained dog you walk by and tease and kick every day after school…until one day it breaks free of its shackles.” said a proud Commissioner. “He has been kicked, beaten, dragged, cajoled and brow-beat for a variety of things, shot 103 last week, and comes out here today and sinks his molars into some KWGA flesh today I would say. Maybe now people will realize there is a competitive fire burning under that velvet veneer. I couldn’t be happier for him.”

Waldo-Murray reacts to his wayward tee shot on #18 that ultimately cost him a spot in the FEDEX Cup Final. “If you can’t win, go out with gusto…and always leave ’em laughing.” ~Waldo-Murray

With The Donald running away with the tournament title, the focus quickly shifted to the battle for the FEDEX Cup. The Back Nine boiled down to 5 men battling for 2 pots in next weeks FEDEX Final. It wasn’t quite the Olympic 100 meter dash but the gritted teeth and sweat stains on a cool Saturday morning gave it all away. Mr. October-Fisher, the man known for his late-season runs tried in vain all day to close the gap but went +4 over his final three holes to drop out of contention. Then came his cigarette battery mate, Where’s Waldo-Murray who defied the odds and took the lead on #15 with a “birdie from God” that had his gallery of one in a frenzy. However, Waldo’s triple bogey 8 on the Par 4 18th destroyed 4 1/2 hours of grinding, eliminating him from the FEDEX playoffs. It was a hiccup so loud, Commissioner Ford could hear it from his sofa at home. “I am not sure what happened to him.” said a confused Commissioner. “I am just going to chalk that hole up to golf flatulence. Maybe the Golf Gods were getting him back for all of that Dallas Cowboy rhetoric. Playoffs??? Playoffs??? We’re just trying to make a first down with Brandon Weeden!”

With Waldo and Mr. October out of the way, the day belonged to two KWGA featherweights, Grampy Burke and the man formerly known as KKK. Perhaps no Tour Pro had less of a chance at winning the first 2 months of the season than Mr. Wildcat. Shackled with a 6 handicap that felt like frozen briefs in the crack of his arse, Mr. Wildcat battled his way back into contention for the FEDEX Cup with a win at the Canadian Open. Saturday saw the reverse occur as the Kentville hero started strong with a Front Nine 39. The Back Nine was more like a discount diaper as Poirier went 8 over in The Valley, a total that was just good enough to hang on. “My game isn’t always pretty and I have some moments of spastic golf behavior.” said a relieved Mr. Wildcat. “The goal today was to get into the Final 2 and I accomplished that. If I can find a way to get through The Valley next weekend, I’ll have a chance to win.

Burke couldn’t contain his relief and joy after tapping in for par on #18 at Saturday’s Deutsche Bank Championship. His +2 score was enough to advance him to next Saturday’s FEDEX Cup Final.

For Grampy, it was poetic justice Saturday as Windsor’s luckiest athlete used all of his tools with birdies at #3 and #8 to coast to a Front Nine 37. Some nervy play on the Back Nine had several of his gallery rushing to PharmaSave to refill several of his prescriptions. Bogeys at #10, #12, #13 and a double bogey at #14 meant he would have to dig in to stop the bleeding and he did just that with solid pars at #15 and the finishing 18th to stamp his spot in the FEDEX Finals. “This is a proud day for me.” said a smirky Burkie. “Yes, I did get a lucky break with the last event of the season getting rained out putting me in the playoffs. When I heard I was in the playoffs, it felt like heaven…like the moment that Jan said YES….to moving in with me I mean. Next week will be fun. It’s a chance for me to prove that Seniors can win on Tour and that you don’t need a wedge game to win in the KWGA. I also told you this side-saddle putting thing would work. You all laughed in May remember?”

Next week Wayne Burke and Kevin Poirier will fight for the right to be called 2015 FEDEX Cup Champion. There shall be no ties…a playoff shall be played.

Intercontinental Championship Update

The KWGA’s “Next Best Thing”…The Intercontinental Championship

Don Bryson leads the race for the KWGA’s Intercontinental Championship with his win at the Deutsche Bank Championship with 25 points. It is a two (2) round, total points competition. All golfers who have been eliminated from the FEDEX Cup Playoffs have been entered into this event. That includes players who were in the FEDEX Playoffs at the Deutche Bank (Murray, Fisher & Woodworth). You can see the full standings on the website under TOUR SCHEDULE-2015 FEDEX CUP PLAYOFFS. (Make sure you scroll down a bit.)

Top 5 Ways to Deal with Championship Pressure

Sitting out Saturday gave me pause to think back to 2014 any my battle with Double Double in last year’s final match. It was a morning filled with both excitement…and consternation/constipation. So I thought I would share with Burkie and KK my Top 5 secrets in dealing with Finals Pressure.

#5 Take lots of deep breaths…Bogies will happen. Don’t panic…because remember…YOU ARE A FREAKING AMATEUR GOLFER!

#4 When things get tough…think about something healthy and relaxing…like an afternoon game of chesterfield rugby with your significant other…even if you have to think back 15 years.

#3 Towels…pack plenty of towels…they help you sop up that perspiration…and hide your face when you want to cry.

#2 Booze and medicine. Maybe it’s a good morning to start your day off with a Bloody Mary, like at Christmas time. Or grab that triple rum and coke at The Turn. It works sometimes…ask Newk.

…and the #1 way to deal with championship pressure…

1.) The Morning Routine- Finding time to eat, stretch and hit a few balls is all great and everything…but finding your happy place hours before you tee off is immeasurable.

News, Notes & Quotes

-“The most painful Saturday of my KWGA career since my alarm clock malfunction 2 seasons ago that gave me my KWGA nickname, Rob Ford. To play 20 long weeks of a regular season… and not be able to play in the playoffs…disheartening. Now if you will excuse me, I need to take another Robaxacet and vomit.” ~Commissioner Ford

Commissioner Ford vows that he will make amends for Saturday’s disappointment…or else he takes that thing off.

-Congrats to KWGA member Jeff Legge who became the 5th KWGA member (Murray, Burke, Hennigar & MacKay) to represent KenWo during The Bluenose Cup. Great job Jeff. Hope to see you on tour again in 2015!

-Also, congrats to KWGA member Doug “The 4th Reich Irwin” for winning the first 2 games of his season in Germany. Keep it up buddy!  Go EVR!!! If you thought you knew Doug…click on the link…I guarantee you will think of him in a different light.

–There will be a social gathering and overnight at Kevin’s cottage in Medford Beach following the round on Saturday October 3. There will be some eats, drinks and laughs…would love to see you there. PLEASE RSVP EMAIL THE COMMISSIONER IF YOU PLAN TO ATTEND SO THAT I CAN GIVE KEVIN NUMBERS AND PLAN FOR FOOD ETC. You do not have to play golf to attend this event!!!

-October 10 is our final KWGA event of the season…the 2015 Ryder Cup. It is a TEAM event, so committing to this event is paramount…lest the teams get f****ed up. The hope is that we can come up with a format after the Tour Championship (or at Kevin’s cottage) and have captains pick the teams. THAT WAS A LOT OF FUN LAST YEAR!

-Lastly, thanks to Deputy Commissioner Burke and the rest of the fellas for taking the organizational reigns on Saturday. It warmed my heart knowing I had trained you all to do more than drop loonies into slots in a piggy bank. Speaking of the Piggy Bank…you might have wondered where it was on Saturday. Sadly, I have to inform you that Miss Piggy took a tumble onto some concrete and shattered into a few thousand pieces. However, not all is sad. Her purpose was to train you all….mission accomplished!

Looking forward to next Saturday’s FEDEX Cup Final match. Good luck to both competitors!

~The Commissioner

The name Hennigar in The Annapolis Valley is synonymous with Farm Markets and double scoop ice creams…but one thing it can’t be known for anymore is cherries. The KWGA’s “Marathon Man”, Barry Bannister-Hennigar, busted his 2 year cherry on tour at Saturday’s Barclays Championship with an impressive -3 score (75 gross) en route to his first career win. All that was missing was the screaming and soiled sheets on a day fit for kings on a sun-plashed and steamy day. Although not as memorable as a busted cherry, Bannister-Hennigar managed to gather his berries after a slow start that featured a bogey at #2 and a double bogey at #3 that had his playing partners hushed in silence. His epiphany came at #6 where he birdied the Par 5 followed by bolts of lightning at #9 and #13 to put him smack dab in contention. “It just came together all at once. Things happen in bunches sometimes.” said an elated Bannister-Hennigar. “I was so hot I made those greens look I had gored a 2,000 pound bull…blood everywhere. Finally I had some clarity as to why I come out here on Saturdays and grind away against some 16 handicaps. Usually it’s MY blood that is being spilled…it was nice to spill someone else’s for a change.”

Hennigar’s win came on a day that saw several of the KWGA’s best out with various injuries and a looming birthday party for his best buddy Fogg. “I don’t want to hear it. So what if Grampy and The Hunchback weren’t playing this week? Who cares if The Witch Doctor Woodworth wasn’t there. I haven’t seen them at -3 in a while. Today was my day. If they want to have a sword fight to settle any arguments or beefs, then tell them to meet me in the showers.” said a dismissive Bannister-Hennigar. “There will always be detractors no matter. I can’t focus on that right now. Today was my last event on tour in 2015 and this gives me some momentum heading into 2016. I feel like the morning after Prom Night right now. Nothing can bring me down!”

“A Look Back”…Bannister-Hennigar, The Shark and Mr. Wildcat on that special day…when you are in university…and still find time to check out the High School talent. (Circa 1986).

Don’t look now, but another golfer who attended a Horton High Prom (even though he went to KCA), The Man formerly known as KKK has stepped to the forefront late in the season. Mr. Wildcat Poirier, buoyed by a solid 4th place finish just two weeks ago, again found his groove Saturday morning, grinding out a 2nd place finish with a score of -1. Only a +4 finish over the final three holes could hold the 2015 Canadian Open Champion back from his second win of the year and the disappointment was written all over his face following the round. “Sometimes you wake up in the morning and everything goes right..and sometimes you wake up and the milk is sour and you burn your toast. I had a tough finish today but I think my game is in a good place for the playoffs. Dressing like The Commissioner I think helped me today. Having the same outfit on as him rattled him a bit and maybe gave me a small edge. My cherry popping days are over but my hats go off to Bannister-Hennigar today. He played great when it counted the most, and I didn’t. I am ready for the playoffs next week and plan to prepare in solitude this week. I took my beatings early in the season, now it’s time for me to deliver one. Just like I did to those Horton boys back in 1986.”

“There is no question it has helped me finally concentrate 100% on my golf.” ~Mr. October

Saturday was also another solid yet “just short” day for the future mayor of Aylesford Lake. Mr. October-Fisher’s birdie at #15 closed him to within two shots of the lead, but vomited bogeys at #16 and #17 preceded a devastating double bogey at #18, and the popular vote came up short for Fisher to sit in the Mayor’s Leather Chair. October-Fisher commented on his failed request earlier in the week to receive permanent cart/ride along status on tour. “Ok, so I miss when my buddy Wasczuk-Carey doesn’t play. I always can depend on him to take a buggy. Today would have been great to have one. It was hot and humid out there and I didn’t have enough fluid out there maybe. On the upside, I had plenty of smokes to last 18 holes walking by myself without Waldo around. I guess The Commissioner figured, if HE can get around 18 holes sans buggy, I should be able to too. I am happy with my game right now and I think I am ready for a run at the FEDEX title next week. I think not having to be as focused on my Tinder email alerts has kept me focused. Let’s just see what happens.”

“Every town has one…there was a void…so why not me?” ~The Donald

Rounding out the Top 3 finishers was Wolfville’s “Town Drifter” and mascot, The Donald. Taking time to finally get off the steps of the MT&T building on Main Street, Bryson came back strong after 102 swings in his last event just two weeks ago with birdies at #4 and #6 that had cell service temporarily crashing across The Valley. Blessed with an innate ability to commentate his round both while swinging the club and putting, The Donald made sure that another calamitous round was not in the offing on this day. “I think it’s important to have a positive approach on the golf course, even if things are swirling down the toilet.” said a relieved Donald. “I know I was cut off for rangs on both of my birdies. I had that money spent on adding another acre on to my 17 lot house so it’s devastating. My dog needs all the space he can get.”

Top 5 Reasons to Keep Grinding

…Two More Weeks!

Gentlemen, I know the long 20 week season has been a grind with some bumps and bruises along the way. You have been asked to come out, week after week and put your jangled nerves to the test under the harshest of pressure….but it is THAT time of year. The time when bragging rights for a whole year are on the line. The time of year when legends are born. The time of year that helps suave the sting of six months of looming golf inactivity, boredom and for some like me, insanity. So I came up with 5 reasons you NEED to play the playoffs the next two weeks..

1.*Your ankles, knees, kidneys or liver can’t get any worse right?

2. *Someone in Kazakhstan may trip across our website and think you are famous for winning the FEDEX Cup!

3. *Grampy won’t be able to swing like he does forever…so come see today’s modern age Dodo Bird.

4. *You may even get invited back on tour next season.

and finally….

5. *Golf in The Valley will soon look like this…

“Yes, that’s me…LAST APRIL!”

News, Notes & Quotes

-There will be a social gathering on Saturday October 3 in Medford Beach at Kevin Newcombe’s cottage following the Tour Championship. Cards, darts, music, campfire and some eats will be available. Burkie may even do his “Monkey Dance” for us! It is also an overnight event so bring a sleeping bag if you want. I think it will be an awesome way to put a cap on our 2015 FEDEX Playoffs…hope to see you all there!

-“I wonder what Grampy would say about that bounce Mr. Commissioner?”~Mr. Wildcat.

-Next week we will start the FEDEX Cup and Intercontinental Championship playoffs (Deutsche Bank). ALL MEMBERS ARE WELCOME TO PLAY…so sign-up! You can check the progress of the playoffs under TOUR SCHEDULE-2015 FEDEX CUP PLAYOFFS on the website.

Things to remember…

The Top 2 and ties in the Deutsche Bank Championship will advance to the FEDEX Cup Finals. The Intercontinental Championship is a two (2) round, cumulative points tournament with the golfer having the most points over the last two events being crowned the winner. YOU DO NOT HAVE TO PLAY BOTH WEEKS TO HAVE A CHANCE AT WINNING THIS TITLE!

-“Happy 50th Birthday Mike!”…~The boys of the KWGA. (Sorry I couldn’t be there Mike, but I saw some of the aftermath on the internet!)

SEE YOU NEXT WEEK FELLAS….FIRED UP!

~The Commissioner

2015

Anticipation for the KWGA’s final regular season event is at a fever pitch as the long and winding road has finally come to a fork. After 19 weeks of grueling fun, the KWGA will decide the league’s Top 8 playoff participants this coming Thursday and Friday in the league’s first ever 2 day event. The intrigue and build up is unprecedented and will no doubt draw huge galleries to KenWo GC during a busy week for its membership. The importance of this week can be measured in so many ways but mostly by just how prepared the field is this week. KWGA Sportsnet reporter Scoop McCracken caught up with several in the field this week.

Scoop: Waldo, you have taken so much heat this season for needing personal care workers to get you to and from the golf course but here you are, right in the middle of things after being on the outside of the playoff race for most of the season. What gives anyway?

Waldo learned early that being assertive and having a psychological advantage was just as effective as having skill. “Being a bully comes naturally. Just watch on Thursday.” ~Waldo-Murray

Waldo-Murray: Scoop, these guys may think they know me…but they don’t. Beneath this veneer of self-centredness and school yard “bully” tactics lies a man with steely resolve and an ability to wear down my opponents. I use the Beverage Cart as a pseudo-time out, like in wrestling when they roll out of the ring. Ric Flair was a master as that. Knowing just when to get that few extra inhales of oxygen. I have worked hard on my game lately. No, you don’t see me on the range but who says that bowling can’t help with ones golf skills? Thursday will be an opportunity for me to prove that my late-season surge is no fluke. My only concern is, if I make the playoffs, will Harold be able to commit to 3 more Saturdays of getting me to the golf course. Time will tell.

Scoop: Sheriff, your image in this league is that of a “Man’s man”, tough and rugged. We know you are not at 100% right now…but will you really be wearing a girdle again this week? Why even play if you have already qualified for the playoffs?

It’s not Plan A nor do I like wearing it. But if it makes me play better golf, then I will do what I have to do.” ~Sheriff

Sheriff: First of all Scoop, I play because that’s what I was born to do. As far as the girdle, I don’t care about being teased. It’s gone on since I was a child playing in the dock yard in Yarmouth. This week is a chance for me to take back the #1 seed, something I got used to this season and something I believe is mine. The Hunchback can think he is #1 but I know differently. Just look at him. If you can’t tell he was bullied when he was younger you must be developmentally delayed. Friday will be redemption after last week’s debacle. If not, I will walk home in my girdle.

Scoop: Bud, some say that you took last week off because you ran into an old flame. What’s his or her name? We want to look them up on Facebook. Do you really think that is good preparation heading into such an important event?

Air Bud’s preparation was called into question after missing last week to pursue pressing needs. “Hey, I know how to play in big games. Frig off alright?” ~Air Bud

Air Bud: Hey Scoop, did they ask Joe Namath if he stayed in the night before his famous guarantee in Super Bowl 3? I don’t think so. He was out chasing more skirts than a cat in an alley full of dumpsters. My golf game is not predicated on preparation. My swing is grooved and I am a witch doctor remember? The mental game comes easy for me. Thursday will be a coronation of my comeback this season. People had me counted out, just like the Colts counted us out in that famous Super Bowl. I will make the playoffs…I guarantee it.

This week’s action tees off at 12:21pm Thursday with the group of Fisher, Burke, Carey and Locke followed by Murray, Simmons, Bryson and Woodworth at 12:30pm. Tickets are still available at the Box Office. Friday’s action starts at 12:57pm with the group of Poirier, Gavin, Henigar and Ellliott followed by Newcombe, D.Thomson, Whte and Amirault at 3:12pm. 

Fellas, I will post the scores on the website following Thursday’s round. Please leave the scorecards and money in the Pro Shop. I will leave the pink basket with the containers and cards there for you to pick up before your round (if I am not there myself.). Let’s have some fun!

~The Commissioner

We will never forget…

Under the category “Go Figure!”, KWGA Sweat Hog Brent Locke claimed the 2015 Welcome Back Kotter Klassic in runaway fashion Saturday afternoon with a 6 shot victory at sun-splashed KenWo GC. Voted by his Junior High Class of 1986 as the least likely to get his Grade 10, it was ironic that the man known as Weasie took home the “Back to School” week event. It was a sweet victory for a man who had knocked on the door all season with four Top 3 finishes without a title. Looking more like Mr. Kotter than one of his sweat hogs, Locke dawned his vest on a chilly Front 9, parring five of the first seven holes en route to an outward nine 40. The Orchard 4 were a bit shaky and featured a bogey at #10 and a double at #12 but Weasie managed to steady the ship with pars at the difficult 15th, 16th and 18th holes to cruise to victory. In fact, the par on #16 was good enough for an $18 rang and a stop at Hennigar’s Farm Market following his round for double scoop ice cream cones for his travelling gallery. His gallery included “wife, child and girlfriend” when asked following the round, a statement that seemed to garner more respect from his peers than his golf victory.

As Locke commented at his post-round news conference, “I know everyone was thinking that I looked like Hugh Hefner, travelling to today’s tournament with two hot women but this is 2015 and things are different in our society now. However, I don’t want people getting the wrong idea or anything. It’s not like we have naked volleyball every night in the backyard like Hef does. It feels good to win though. It’s been a long time coming and I knew I could do it. I just had to stop paying attention to Harold’s golf tips and all the laughing at my golf swing.”

Another burgeoning Hefner made a cameo appearance on tour this week and made a splash with a runner-up finish. A newly bearded and wide-eyed member of the Canning Legion, Jeff “Third” Legge found some free time Saturday and threw up a pair of 39’s on each nine that included a stunning birdie on #15 that was good for a rang. Nobody quite knew what to expect after a 5 week absence to pursue “all his camping dreams”. Legge simply replaced his tools this week from a swiss army knife and flashlight to red hot irons and putter. “I hear the whispers. I know what is being said behind my back.” said an amused Third Legge. “Like I am the only one who camps 5 weekends in a row? Pfffffft. Some of us can’t afford the Hyatt in Charlottetown OK? I am not Air Bud. These guys on tour are just lucky I am not in the FEDEX Playoffs. Not only do I know how to do a hot dog roll for two in a sleeping bag…I know how to play good golf.”

Rounding out the Top 3 and taking back his rightful spot atop the FEDEX standings was The Hunchback Newcombe, who laughed and cajoled his way to a +2 round, cementing his spot in the playoffs. Newcombe’s play Saturday was a microcosm of his season, lots of deep breathing, contact, leaning to the left or right and finally a swig from his wine skin. A triple bogey on #16 was followed by a double at #17 and any chance of victory slipped away. All this after a difficult week that saw him go back to work… his only comment before teeing off Saturday was, “I think I am getting too old to be around 10 year olds.” You are right Kevin, but it’s not just 10 year olds who have a difficult time relating to you, so don’t feel like you are being deceived.

FEDEX Cup Report

“The Low Down”

So what was decided on Saturday?

(a) Three players qualified for the playoffs and are guaranteed to be in the Final 8 on Saturday September 19. (Kevin Newcombe, John Amirault, Mark Gavin).

(b) Three players outside of the Top 8 still have a mathematical chance to make the playoffs.

Brent Locke- Will need a win or no worse than a runner-up finish, then will need Rod Murray, Mike White, Wayne Burke and Kevin Poirier to finish at or near the bottom at the Twin Towers Memorial.

Kevin Poirier- Will need a Top 3 while still finishing ahead of two out of the three ahead of him (Murray, White and Burke) to have a chance. This is not out of the realm of possibility.

Wayne Burke- Grampy needs to finish 2 placings ahead of Mike White to qualify…that’s if Kevin Poirier doesn’t garner 4 more points than Grampy at the Twin Towers Memorial.

Fisher, Thomson and Woodoworth could also be knocked out of the playoffs by finishing at the bottom next week with the likes of Murray, White, Burke, Poirier and Locke finishing at the top!

Lots of intrigue and math for sure! The bottom line is…this is exciting! Embrace the moment…and remember…this is for fun! You aren’t truly winning $10 million like Jason Day. Just a trophy.

Gerry’s Excellent Adventures

~Anonymous

Venice locals welcomed the 2014 KWGA FEDEX Cup Champion in regal fashion. “I never knew my reign as champion would take me around the world. This has been an incredible ride. It’s sad that it’s coming to an end. To think these people have to paddle to the golf course every day reminds me just how lucky I am…I love my truck.” ~Double-Double

Saturday saw the return on tour of 2014 FEDEX Champion Double-Double Elliott, a man becoming more known for his passport than his ball-striking. After touring China with Grampy earlier this year, and a clandestine voyage to Domincana, all in a search of adoptable babies, Double-Double was back at his Travelling Wilbury ways in August, this time to the city that doesn’t have wheels, Venice, Italy. The shock of this reality was genuine and written all over Double-Double’s face Saturday morning….a shock that was preventable which made the moment that much more enjoyable to hear on the putting green before teeing off. No, you won’t find a Chevy Tahoe rumbling through any streets…just the gentle whirl of spinning water there my friend. I guess we know whose parents didn’t order those Encyclopedia Britannica’s when you were a child.

Venice is steeped in history of course and not like Windsor at all. It’s a place where pizza was born, real pizza. Not bacon wrapped crusts and donair meat with tonnes of bitter sauce. No my friends, real pizza. Not 2am delivery in a soggy cardboard box. Real pizza. Not that gluey dough from Kraft. Real pizza my friends. (Jesus save me if you didn’t try the pizza while there my friend!). I am sure you had your eyes opened while there…and maybe even had wet socks a few times. Sometimes it’s better to get wet…than never attempting to swim I say!

Gerry, your reign as champ may be coming to an end in 2015…but you are a champion at heart. Thank-you for representing us around the world and being an ambassador and proponent of world travel, winter golf simulation, free appetizers/alcohol, Super Bowl / Pool Parties and provider of Major Championship frames.

PS…Golf is a fickle game…being fickle is a choice.

~Anonymous

News, Notes & Quotes

~Good luck to those participating in the Coors Light 2 Man Scramble next weekend. Concentrate, Communicate and above all, no excessive drinking Saturday night between Round 1 and 2. Maybe then you will become the second KWGA tandem to win a Coors Light Championship (Murray & Thomson 2000). Do us proud boys!

~”Where’s Mike? I thought he was signed up to play? Mike’s in Yarmouth this morning you say? He can’t play? What….Sheriff John told him he should check out the Dock Yard for one of his old flames?” ~Anonymous

~The Sheriff became the second KWGA member this season to wear a girdle during a round. After over-stretching his glutes and lower back during a vigorous game of “pillow fight rugby” Friday night, The Sheriff was forced to reach into his Tickle Trunk for some extra support. Alas, it wasn’t enough as he was forced to retire after 9 agonizing holes.

~It’s been a tumultuous few weeks on tour fellas, so Saturday was a nice diversion from the doom and gloom. It was so nice to say hello and meet the Red Bull staff before teeing off Saturday. Yes, the perks of being Commissioner. No wonder I was in such a good mood all day! We have a pretty good thing going I’d say.

The Commissioner was forced to frisk two unknown gallery members Saturday morning. The duo turned out to be Red Bull staff. “Security and safety for our league is of utmost importance. It was a tough job…but somebody had to do it.” ~The Commissioner

~Our final regular season event, the Twin Towers Memorial, will be played over 2 days this week (Thur & Fri.). After hearing from everyone and getting their preferences for days and tee times, I did my best to accomodate everyone. The draw is already up on the Twin Towes tab on the website.

I will leave the $$$ collection jars and scorecards in the Pro Shop for the Thursday group in the pink basket. I may even be there myself. Please leave your scorecards at the Pro Shop following the round and I will pick it up.

See you all Thursday and Friday!!!

~The Commissioner

As legendary defense lawyer Johnnie Cochrane once boasted, “If it doesn’t fit…you must acquit.” For most of the 2015 season, that statement rang true of Mr. Wildcat KK Poirier’s golf game, but on Saturday afternoon it only rang true about his championship t-shirt. Mr. Wildcat was able to hold off spirited performances from Where’s Waldo-Murray and the man clad in fuchsia, Mark The Shark, to win the 2015 KWGA Canadian Open by one-stroke. The win was Mr. Wildcat’s first career victory after a season of grinding in obscurity on the KWGA landscape and vindication that big hitters come in all shapes and sizes. Mr. Wildcat’s outward nine included 4 birdies and 2 double-bogies which was good for a 39 and a 4 shot lead over The Shark and 5 shot lead over Waldo-Murray. After bogeys at #10, #11, #12 and #13 and a double-bogey at #16, Mr. Wildcat fell one stroke behind Waldo-Murray but was able to right the ship just in time with pars at both #17 and #18 to find the winners circle. “This is a tremendous honour.” said an elated Mr. Wildcat. “This season has been a soul-searching expedition. Golf confidence is a fluid entity and there were days I wondered why I made the hour trek from the city every Saturday morning. Today is homage to sticking with it and being a scrapper, something I have had to do all my life at my height. All I need now is for The Commissioner to shrink my championship tie dye and all will be right in the world again.”

Poirier’s win also puts him right back in the hunt in the FEDEX Cup, vaulting him from 16th to 12th, just 17.5 points out of a playoff spot. A win next week, and who knows, 1985 may happen all over again. “We weren’t supposed to do anything that year but we watched Villanova stun Georgetown in ’85, so why not us?’ said Mr. Wildcat. “That’s my mindset now heading into the last 2 weeks of this regular season …why not me?”

For Waldo-Murray, driving himself and getting to the golf course on time was victory in itself Saturday (after finally being cut off the umbilical cord by Harold), however, the Romo Man Crusher wasn’t satisfied with just another appearance. Hearkening back and employing his rally cap as early as the 6th hole, Waldo-Murray created a buzz of excitement throughout the hallowed KenWo grounds. His bogey at #17 ultimately cost him a major championship but seemed to win him some fans back, fans that had seemingly left Where’s Waldo Island many moons ago. Waldo-Murray now occupies the last playoff spot in the race for the FEDEX playoffs. “It’s fun when you are in the hunt. I have played Washington Generals for too long in the KWGA and now I have a chance to do something special.” said Waldo-Murray. “Clarity is a wonderful thing on the golf course. When you are happy at home, have clean underwear to play in on Saturday’s and Fisherman’s Friend lozenges to spare, anything can happen. The last few weeks will be fun. Don’t count me out…ever.”

The Shark may not have won Saturday but some adoring Flyer fans are still in his corner.”We love and miss you Sharkie! You can do it buddy” ~The Sharkettes

The day’s events would not be completely reported without a statement from The Shark. A man that has gotten hot at the right time and dominated the last 2 majors in both style and grace. In the featured group Saturday with fellow major winner in 2015, Nick Levy, the pressure was squarely on The Shark heading into the round. “I felt it out there today for sure.” said The Shark. “Not many know how I deal with major championship pressure. It starts with icy-hot patches lining my drawers, just to keep the engine room at a comfortable temperature ya know? Having a wife and child that will wait in the parking lot for me for an hour after the round, without having a conniption fit also helps. It frees my mind a lot. They know what this means to me. I am very happy for my old diamond buddy KK today though. We kinda turned a double-play on tour this season with both of us winning a major. We aren’t quite Tinkers to Evers to Chance…but we are a hell of a lot closer to it than we used to be. Let’s get these playoffs started…If my Philadelphia Flyers can’t do it, it’s up to me!”

My Journey…My Technology

By Kevin N.

Not many know this about me. I know your perception of me is one of calm and control but that’s not really the truth. I started my journey with Asteroids on my Atari in Elementary, a Commodore 64 in Junior High and now finally an IPhone that helps me communicate like I have never been able to. There are so many features at the tip of my fingers now…but nothing beats the “Speak & Spell” my dear mom gave me as a graduation gift my last day at Horton High School. She meant well and at the time I didn’t realize its significance…or that she was really trying to tell me that I was borderline technologically illiterate. I guess I didn’t really use that Speak & Spell enough. Once that first set of batteries went dead I didn’t bother with it anymore. I know now that it would have helped me so much. Now I get dates mixed up, email people through third parties, send flowers to the wrong address and generally frig up The Commissioner’s Tee Sheet every week. I don’t mean any harm, honestly, I just have trouble with this kind of thing. I promise to be more careful, pay more attention and take an online course to improve my communication skills. Why? Because I have to…I don’t want another nickname worse than The Hunchback. Until then, I will continue to enjoy driving my buddy to the course every Saturday.

Wasn’t that a touching moment Saturday? Seeing The Kevster drive in to KenWo with his buddy Burkie, his face pressed up against the passenger side window? Priceless.

News, Notes & Quotes

~”Derek, it’s 204 yards to the flag…if you still care that is.” -The Biggest Johnson.

Johnson’s statement came on #17 after The Commissioner had forgotten that his drive in the fairway (finally) was his PROVISIONAL. Thinking that he still had a chance to salvage his day with a possible rang with an eagle or birdie, The Commissioner had asked Johnson for a yardage…THAT statement was the final dry dagger on a day wrapped in pig manure for Thomson.

~”Mark…What’s a niblet anyway?”* -Where’s Waldo

~Looks like our old buddy Doug “The 4th Reich” Irwin is back in Coach Mode now after a summer on tour…albeit in lederhosen. Not sure if you will be able to spot him! ha ha

~Hole #5 was a popular one on Saturday as it was birdied a record 5 times during the round. Highlights included a Rod Murray iron to mere inches, a 45 foot bomb from The Commissioner and a 17 footer from Harold Fisher just seconds after The Commissioner’s bomb. The KWGA tallied 19 birdies in total on the day…a new tour record.

~KWGA Super-Sub Darrell Cook has been found and is reportedly in stable condition at his residence in Wolfville after a bout with “Palmeter Asphyxia”. We thank Ian for filling in on short notice.

-This week’s sign that the Apocalypse is Upon us…KWGA member Gerry Elliott was able to see the website and CONTACT THE COMMISSIONER FROM ITALY after seeing his name posted in the Canadian Open Draw. Thank you for taking the time away from your vacation Gerry to do so…That all makes Windsor not seem so far away anymore does it Kevster? Thanks again Gerry for the picture frames…I think the Canadian Open logo looked good inside it.

~Next week we honour “Back to School Week” with the Welcome Back Kotter Klassic. Please remember the deadline to enter is Monday night at 8pm. The sign-up and volunteer boxes have been posted on the website. The sooner…the better!

See you next week.

~The Commissioner