Not many know the life golf story of Nick Waszczuk-Carey…and neither do I, but the career “angler” is writing his own story on tour in 2015. Known more for his ability to hook fish and sell icebergs to the Northern British Columbia Eskimos, Waszczuk-Carey hung on Saturday morning at the Legends Classic, winning his second event in 2015 by one stroke over a fast-charging Sheriff in a photo finish… that thank God featured clothing. The duo battled all day long in the sweltering humidity that featured nary a birdie between the two, but a string of par and bogey golf that melts opponents into submission. After a solid Front Nine 42, Waszczuk-Carey held a 3 shot lead over the baton-wielding neanderthal Sheriff John and only needed to avert disaster to claim his second career victory. His 4 over par finish on #16, #17 and #18 was just good enough to hold off a Back NIne 38 from The Sheriff who reclaimed top spot in the race for the FEDEX Playoffs. “It feels extremely good to win.” said an exhausted and wet Waszczuk-Carey. “Winning on tour feels almost as good as raking in millions from my hunting and fishing lodges dotted around the continent. I know my swing doesn’t look tour quality but my philosophy hasn’t changed since I was a randy and ripe 16 years old…It’s all about getting it in the hole.”

For The Sheriff, Saturday was more evidence of just how difficult it will be to beat the loose belted wonder boy in the upcoming FEDEX playoffs. The Sheriff rang up 8 straight pars starting at #8 and just needed a par on one of the final 3 holes to share the title. However, only a case of the shakes got in the way and he was forced to settle for second. “It’s a golf epiphany of epic proportions.” said The Commissioner from the comfort of his psychologist’s sofa. “I can’t think of a more Cinderella story. I know he says he played some ‘ball’ back in the day but I am struggling to envision a lot of athletic success in his background. My doctor tells me not to wish bad things on others or think negative about someone else, but this is getting ridiculous. John leading the FEDEX Race? It’s just too much for me to take. I mean, what if he wins it all? We can’t have ‘moon dances’ at the post-season banquet.”

Continuing his solid play this season, Harold “Mr. October” Fisher fired an Even Par 86 to solidify his claim that the post-season is soon upon us. The Aylesford resident couldn’t overcome two double bogeys on the day and settled for a solid Top 3. Rumour has it Mr. October’s blood sugar was low from a lack of energy drinks being served on the course…and his 2 golden retrievers had eaten all of his pre-packed Nanaimo Bars. “Things like that can’t happen. I need to keep those things on higher ground. I have a staff at home that is responsible for things like that.” said a disappointed Mr. October. “There will be an extensive evaluation of all systems once I get back home.” The Top 3 finish pushed him from 8th to 6th in the FEDEX Standings and a solid finish at next week’s Canadian Open will lock down his spot in the playoffs.

The Commissioner takes a moment on the 15th tee Saturday to say his final goodbye to a dear old friend.

Punctuating the day was a meltdown of epic proportions and one that has forced The Commissioner into hiding. Only minutes after The Biggest Johnson’s 10 at the par 5 17th hole stood The Commissioner on that same tee. After a week of turmoil and teasing, the embattled Commissioner looked to redeem himself with a spectacular finish. However, the lucky Commissioner once again managed to lose a ball on a harmless drive that trickled into the left woods. Forced to drive back to the tee after an unsuccessful search, The Commissioner found the left woods once again…and what followed looked like golf’s version of ping-pong. “I just kept finding roots and stumps the size of The Sheriff’s arse in there.” said a dejected Commissioner. “These kinds of things can’t happen. If you think my ego is bruised, you should see the bottom of my 9 iron. It took more punishment than my missing sand wedge. At least my wedge is resting comfortably. My 9 iron must be shaking in its boots because it knows I will be hitting it again. A tough week but one has to take the good with the bad…and sometimes ugly. Taking a 12 isn’t the end of the world.”

Who’s Hot? Who’s Not?

HOT

The Shark- Don’t look now…but your favorite swimming hole just got a lot more dangerous. Gavin’s last three events have resulted in a Win, T3 and a T4 at yesterday’s Legends Classic that has seen him jump from 17th to 9th in the FEDEX standings. The major champion no longer can be known solely for his weekend ensembles.

The Sheriff- A win, a runner-up and a T6 in the last 3 events have locked the baton boy in the playoffs with no end in sight to his fantastic play. If only the boys at the old precinct and Yarmouth dockyard could see him now!

Air Bud- Hi last 3 events feature two runner-ups and a T4 and with his driver finding the fairway with scary consistency, there could be no stopping this season’s shoo-in for rookie of the year.

NOT

The Fogg- After winning two events in the span of 3 weeks, The Fogg has finished 18th, 11th, 12th and 14th in 4 of his last 5 events. Some are suggesting a return to the lower violence approach while others think that surgery is the best recourse.

The Commissioner- His last 4 events have featured a DQ, 11th and 15th place finish after a torrid start to the season. Factor in just 13 clubs in the bag…and you have a recipe for potential disaster.

The Biggest Johnson- Hantsport’s favorite dangler has faltered after reaching as high as 9th in the FEDEX standings just a month ago. A 14th, 8th, 10th and an 8th place finish at Saturday’s Legends Classic has some wondering if he has been spending too many Friday nights with Fred.

Doing The “Funky Chicken”

As most of you may know, Saturday’s Legends Classic was in honour of Legends Lounge in Coldbrook, NS. It was famous for its staff’s nightly entertainment segment, The Funky Chicken dance. The place oozes with memories so I figured I would share one with you.

One night I met a famous person at Legends. Kelly Hrudey was in town for Acadia’s Sports Banquet and decided to take a look at the local scenery with his buddy Scott Oake who had also made the trip. So I found my moment and sidled up to Kelly. I wanted to talk to him about how his LA Kings had stolen victory from my beloved Maple Leafs in Conference Finals in 1994. You know the series, when Wayne Gretzky high-sticked Doug Gilmour in the face in Game #7…AND DIDN’T GET A FREAKIN’ PENALTY…then went down the ice and scored the series clinching goal!

So after some small talk I finally got the courage to ask him (even though I towered over him and outweighed him by 200 lbs at the time), “Kelly, that series in ’94…did you guys get away with one or what? That was such bullshit. You really didn’t deserve to win that series. You know Kelly, I have been pissed off about it for 20 years. It’s hard for me to even watch you on Hockey Night in Canada broadcasts because of it. That was a penalty wasn’t it?”

Kelly looked at me awkwardly and could only muster…”I didn’t see it. I was concentrating on my job at the time. But you know what? They all even out.” ~Hrudey

News, Notes & Quotes

~Good luck to Burkie in this week’s KenWo Senior Men’s Club Championship! You have the game and putter to compete with KenWo’s best…Go get ’em buddy and do the KWGA proud!

PS…If you need a caddy…I can’t do it.

~Brent Locke may have eclipsed our beloved Sheriff with his SUBWAY quip on #1 tee centering around spokesman Jared Fogle. “Brent’s barb was as sharp and penetrating as a prostate exam.” said The Commissioner. “I am not sure I will ever be able to add mayonnaise to my sub sandwich ever again.”

~Next Saturday is the season’s final major, The KWGA Canadian Open. With points being doubled, things can change in the standings dramatically. There MUST be a winner like in any major tournament, so please, make sure you can stay a few moments later in case YOU are in a PLAYOFF! The deadline to sign up is Monday night at 9pm. Looking forward to seeing everyone then!

~The Commissioner

The 2015 season has been a Jekyll and Hyde virtuoso for the KWGA’s luckiest golfer. Windsor’s answer to erectile dysfunction has struggled to find consistency on tour after a change to side-saddle putting and a multitude of swing paths. However, as the KWGA was reminded again Saturday morning…when Grampy is ON, he is impossible to stop. Grampy was the poster boy of consistency at The Holly Sonders Golf Channel Memorial. After a close call at the Sonders in 2014 (Tied 1st), Grampy started the Front Nine with 7 pars, a birdie and a lonely bogey on the third hole and made the turn in 35 strokes. The Back Nine featured 6 more pars and 3 bogeys giving him a finishing 73 (-4) and a 3 stroke edge over a helpless Air Bud Woodworth. Where did this sudden burst come from you ask? “First, I have wanted to bag Holly for many years now. This is certainly a coveted title and a dream come true. As far as the golf, it’s simple fellas. When you see tree-lined fairways as backboards and water hazards as frozen ice rinks, it takes a lot of stress away from any tough shot.” said a smug Grampy. “I just don’t understand how anyone could be scared standing over a golf shot. It makes no sense to me. You just have to think of your ball always going forward, never deviating from its target, and the game becomes simple.”

The win was the second this season for Burke and put him smack dab in the race for FEDEX playoffs, currently standing in 9th place after toiling in the nether-regions of abyss for most of the summer. “When I clicked in and realized that Doug leaving for Germany was a good thing for me, it gave me a lot of confidence to play loose and free.” said Grampy. “He has been a thorn in my side since this league took off. Sorry to see you go Doug.” Commissioner Ford congratulated Grampy following the round, however shook his head at a man who stares down karma like Mr. Magoo does while driving on the wrong side of the highway. “It makes me shake my head if I am honest.” said a beleaguered Commissioner. “If I ever said anything like ‘Sorry to see you go Doug’ in a sarcastic tone, the karma Gods would simply destroy me. This Grampy…it’s like he is made of golf Teflon. He says it, laughs, and then goes out and shoots 73. I keep hearing that Rod Stewart song in my head…Some guys have all the luck…Some guys get all the pain…”

Holly also got to see another suitor come close but end up buying the drinks and going home without the girl on Saturday. Air Bud Woodworth’s strong second half of 2015 continued with a runner-up finish, his second such placing in the last 3 weeks. Air Bud came firing out of the blocks like a Usain Bolt jockstrap, birdieing the first hole while stringing together 5 pars in a row to make the turn in 36 strokes. However, a double-bogey at #10 ultimately derailed any chance to beat the KWGA’s grand old man. “Things are going well for me right now. I have reacquainted myself with the middle of the fairway and have taken some strides in eliminating big scores.” said a refreshed Air Bud. “Winning on tour is a difficult proposition with so many varying handicaps. What I don’t appreciate is being teased about winning before the final group has come up and signed their scorecard. That was a bit cruel. This is a long season…and like a good hockey goon…I know how to take a look back to see what number jersey just gave me a cheap shot.”

Rounding out the Top 3 were a trio of characters that know something about major championships…and bowling alleys. Bob Maxwell-Smart, fresh off the finest Greek wedding in Valley history fired a 74 (+1) out of nowhere, laying claim that there MUST be a practice range SOMEWHERE on the North Mountain. Another major winner, Mark “The Shark” Gavin proved that his 2015 Players Championship was no fluke with a dazzling 77 that featured 3 birdies after a two week layoff… and the prettiest grey/baby blue ensemble of the day. Finally, the man no one counts as a threat but likes it that way, Where’s Waldo-Murray, fired a 78 (+1) that kept him within striking distance of the FEDEX Playoffs. “This is a marathon, not a sprint.” said Waldo from the comfort of his corner swivel chair at Gigglers Bar. “This isn’t my first rodeo and I know how to make the playoffs without playing every event. Heck, how do you think I made it through my last year of teaching?”

.

HOW NOT TO LOOK FOR A GOLF BALL

By The Shark & Waldo

In what can only be called “a golf car crash”…KWGA veteran “The Shark” found the narrow yet steep crick that traverses the 6th fairway with his tee shot. Seeing his playing partner in distress, playing partner Waldo took it upon himself to get involved, and somewhat physical in his attempt to find that elusive Titleist wallowing in the mucky water below. “It was only minutes, but it seemed like hours, watching those two dick around that crick like two old ladies looking for the remote control to their stair climber at home.” said an exasperated Commissioner. “I mean, it’s a water hazard and only a freakin’ golf ball…take a quick peek and move on.” However, Waldo simply would not give up the hunt, finally jumping into the muddy embankment once the Titleist was located. “Then it started to look like male mud wrestling to me.” said the Commissioner. “Two men on their knees, lots of splashing, smiling and ultimately relief. All that was missing was a $10 bill stuffed in someone’s Banana Hammock. I was kinda disgusted personally.”

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THE FEDEX CUP~PLAYOFF RACE

As legendary ABC Sportscaster Keith Jackson used to exclaim…”Whoaaaaaaaaa Nellie!!” The 2015 season is coming down the stretch and it couldn’t get any closer or more interesting both at the top…and the cut-off line. The trio of Newcombe, Amirault and D.Thomson have played musical chairs at the top of the standings for the better part of the season. Newcombe’s Back Nine 37 on Saturday kept him from falling to third in a fantastic recovery after “the shakes” on the Front Nine. Nobody has been more consistent than The Sheriff this season. He just keeps coming out week after week like a case of herpes in what can only be called a “break out” season. The Commissioner is feeling the strain of a 3 handicap and a case of turf toe but is managing to hang on near the top.

However, the most exciting race is happening at the cut off. Doug Irwin’s departure and decision to value hockey, marraige and a career over golf fun is puzzling but has meant a free for all in the standings. Grampy Burke took hold of the final spot at The Sonders with The Shark nipping at his Depends Undergarments, trailing by just one point. Barry Bannister-Hennigar is next, just 6 points out of a playoff birth. Has anyone seen Gary Biggest Johnson? The Hantsport baller has vanished from the scene after climbing to 9th in the standings and with his game and handicap will no doubt be dangerous. A vacationing Elliott means he should come back rested and void of any negative golf thought and will also be dangerous…how can you not be after seeing so many Mediterranean treasures? In a shocking move this week, The Weasel went boy bonding in the woods in NB instead of The Sonders and will need a top 3 at The Canadian Open to qualify for the playoffs. Can one count out Where’s Waldo? That’s just the way he likes it…once you count him out, he finds a way to bite you…just ask his many….nevermind.

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News, Notes & Quotes

Mr. Wildcat could believe his bad luck…losing his ball on a harmless second shot on the 17th hole. “Don’t worry Kirk, they all even out.” ~Grampy

~KWGA Rookie Kevin “Mr. Wildcat” Poirier became the second golfer to be disqualified from a round in 2015. Poirier was on pace for his first sub-80 round when golf fate pulled the rug out from the all-star second baseman. “Now I know how the Commissioner feels.” said Mr. Wildcat. “I came over the hill on #17 and my ball turned up missing. It was almost like someone came down #16 fairway and picked it up like it was money or something. Disappointing day.”

~In a mathematical anomaly, Saturday saw only 3 rangs being won with 4 holes being cut off with birdies. That’s really unlikely…and somewhat unlucky.

~I just realized…those goggles Newcombe wears ever week…they remind me of someone.

“Ohhhhhhhh Yeahhhhhhh. Right there yaaaaaaaaa!”

~Next week we will honour Legends Lounge and the 20+ years of fond memories that it holds. It may have burned down but no one can take away the phone numbers I gathered there. Make sure you sign up by 8pm on Monday August 17.~See you next week!

~The Commissioner

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You may not like his style, stories or hair but Sheriff John put the KWGA on notice Saturday morning that the badge-toting neanderthal is not someone to be taken lightly. After assuring the KWGA brass earlier in the week that he had turned over a new leaf, Sheriff John reaped the rewards of his positive karma and rode the wave of a new found confidence and a series of crisp approach shots in The Valley to take down his second title of 2015. A rock solid 38 outward nine carded nary a birdie but the Centreville Bum-Stinger found a way to overcome a double-bogey on #14 with pars on the tough sixteenth and seventeenth holes that gave him a 2 shot cushion over a crushed Commissioner and a furious Fogg. “The thing I like about coming out here every Saturday is seeing the fear in the eyes of my brethren and telling the occasional joke.” said an elated Sheriff. “They may not let me play fake cop with them anymore, but some of them know I could get them in a lot of trouble if they crossed me. I take my role as an authority figure in this league very seriously. One of these Saturdays I may even wear my old cop slacks with the fancy stripe down the side just to prove that point. I don’t have as much ball room in them as I used to, but it may be worth one or two strokes of intimidation for the FEDEX playoffs.”

Adding to Saturday’s drama was Commissioner Ford who stood on #17 tee 2 under par for his round and in front of the field by a stroke looking for his career best score. However, calamity would strike the Half-Tonne-‘O-Fun with the force of morning flatulence. After a hooked tee shot into the right woods, a miraculous out to #16 fairway, the Commissioner’s 3rd shot found the crook of a tree and a nest of ants left of #17 green, forcing an unplayable lie and subsequent penalty drop. When the beads of sweat finally stopped dripping, 8 strokes were counted. A bogey on #18 added further insult to mental injury. “This was a day that was supposed to be a career day.” said The Commissioner. “Shooting a score in the 60’s, for me personally is pure fantasy, like envisioning a harem of naked dancers feeding me grapes. All I want to do right now is vomit all over myself. You have to give that Sheriff credit, he played the tough holes well and deserved the win today. I will regroup and learn from my mistakes today…and hopefully get these ham & cheese sandwich chunks washed out of my hair.”

Commissioner Ford takes a moment to compose himself near #17 green after tapping in for triple bogey 8 and flirtation with his first sub-70 round.

Rounding out the Top 3 was none other than The Fogg, whose vomit was also on full display in The Valley late Saturday morning. Birdies at #2 (6 inches from hole in one), #10 and #15 had the Bowdoin Basketballer primed for a mid-70’s round or better. With no medication in sight all day, the tremors began on #14 with an inexplicable 9 followed by a bloated 8 on #17. In fact, The Fogg’s finish was on full display when his light pink chemise had more sweat stains on it than Patrick Ewing after 4 quarters. “I really worked hard out there today and I can see the improvements in my game daily.” said The Fogg. “I played for more than myself today. Freddie Herbin was a legend at KenWo  and in Wolfville and that’s where I grew up. Everyone knew Fred. My heart is broken that I couldn’t get it done today for him and his beloved Town of Wolfville. At least he would have loved my outfit.”

Also having a solid tournament was Mr. Wildcat, whose run of 80’s golf has reached near Cal Ripken level. However, double-bogeys at #10 and the finishing eighteenth derailed his chance at victory. “I am just going to stick with his just like my dad did back in the day.” said formerly KKK. “I can feel it coming. Today was a mini-breakthrough kinda like a mini-stroke. Let’s hope I break 80 on tour before I have a stroke!”

How well do you know your brethren?

A.) I grew up watching, cheering and poisoning my son with chants of Guy! Guy! Guy!…Blue, blanc et rouge.

My basketball skills included zero rebounding/inside the paint play and a “tippy toe” tavern league jump shot.

I purposely moved closer to a bowling alley so that I could walk home after cock-tailing.

My understanding of time & space and its relationship has dwindled over the years.

I currently hold the record for lowest gross score in KWGA history.

Who am I?

B.) I spend my free time in winters taking copious amounts of verbal abuse from enraged basketball coaches.

I enjoy being told what to do by both a wife and boyfriend.

I do not have a preferred shot shape simply because I trust myself as much as Fat Albert locked in a confectionery.

I have this innate ability to make people feel sorry for me even though I am in 1st place in the FEDEX Standings.

My pursuit of the “Son of the Year” award is unquenchable.

Who am I?

FEDEX Cup Update

The stretch run to make the playoffs has officially begun with just 5 events left on the regular season schedule. Some interesting races have surfaced and some have seemingly punched their ticket. With Doug Irwin bowing out of contention, that means The Weasel Brent Locke holds down the final playoff spot with 111.5 points. However, he has a phalanx of pursuers in Mark Gavin & Barry Hennigar (-1 point behind), Gary Johnson (-2 points behind), Wayne Burke (-9 points behind), Gerry Elliott (-9.5 points behind). Outside shots include Rod Murray (-14 points behind) and Kevin Poirier (-25 points behind). Gerry is off to the Mediterranean and will miss the next 2 weeks on tour sunning himself and peering at European mankinis, so he will be pinning his hopes on the Canadian Open and its double points in order to have a chance to defend his title. Jeff Legge is the darkhorse in all of this. Plenty of game to spare the only question is…Can he get away from “couples camping” the odd Saturday to make a final push? Can Bob Maxwell now concentrate on golf now that the longest wedding planning in Valley history is now complete? All these questions and more will be answered in the coming weeks.

News, Notes & Quotes

-The group of Elliott (4), Thomson (3), White (3) and N. Batherson (3) combined for 13 birdies on the day making it the highest total for a foursome in KWGA history.

-I just want to take this chance to thank Doug Irwin for an awesome summer of golf, fun and friendship in 2015 and wish him and his team (Regensburg, GER) the best of luck with their upcoming season. It’s hard to believe 3 months went by so quickly and I look forward to your return for the 2016 KWGA season already! Doug leaves the tour 4th in the FEDEX Standings and would no doubt be a serious threat to win the Cup! Hopefully someday you will be able to take your rightful swing at the title!

Hey look! It’s Grampy coming down the left wing!

-“Oh wow! Awesome! I just realized, now that Doug is gone I move up one spot in the FEDEX Standings! Shame to see you go Doug!” ~Grampy

-Next week we celebrate golf’s crown jewel and the many years and viewing hours of Holly Sonders on The Golf Channel. We miss you Holly!

-Lots of fun this week again fellas. The stretch run to the FEDEX Playoffs has officially arrived. Please make sure that you know you can make your tee time before signing up. It makes my life much easier. See you next week!

-The sign-up boxes for next week’s event have been posted on the website. The deadline to sign up is Monday night 8pm. Please grab an oar and volunteer to book a tee time.

~The Commissioner (How will I ever fall asleep tonight?)

Perhaps no KWGA pro was as hungry as Mark “The Shark” Gavin Saturday morning at The Players Championship. After 3 long years toiling on tour the wait is finally over for the Kentville product. The lovable panty bandit broke through at The TPC with a sterling round of -5, shredding the field in his finest hour of shot-making and putting in an exhibition that was both voracious and callous. A front nine 35 included a birdie at the uncomfortable 4th hole that ironically features several water hazards that require a steely nerve…or a man with gills and a sharp fin. Lorne Greene himself would have been proud. The Shark continued his strong play on the back nine with 7 pars in a solid 38 strokes that was good enough for a 2 stroke victory over a witch doctor (Woodworth) and someone who needs a doctor (Newcombe). The victory was not a surprise to some as Gavin entered Saturday’s TPC on fire with a couple of low 70 rounds that would foreshadow his win and major championship. “After many years of struggles, balsam sap covered balls, tree limbs and thistle, I finally realize that the middle of the fairway is my friend. Golf is much easier playing from the short grass and easier on my dry-cleaning bill. My cashmere shirts do not respond well to mud stains and tree sap. I couldn’t be happier right now. In the old days I would have celebrated a win like this differently. Maybe some cocktails and a trip to Legends Lounge…today it was jumping in a car and driving 6 hours in the heat to PEI. At least my wife let me stop for ice cream in Antigonish.”

The day was not without drama as a certain Hunchback hearkened back to 2001, reached in his “tickle trunk” and yanked out birdies at #14 and #17 to close the gap to 1 shot teeing off #18 after a shaky front nine 41. Newcombe’s self-deprecating behavior seemed to put The Shark at ease but the Falmouth resident knows how to lull his opponents into submission. However, Newcombe’s amateur status reared its ugly head with a bogey on #18 and he would have to settle for a tie for second. Meanwhile, several groups behind, Air Bud Woodoworth trundled along like the “Little Train That Could”, somehow managing to drop the anchor in his group that is “The Rodca” and fired a back nine 37. The strain and pain that is such a grouping was written all over Air Bud’s face after bogeys at #16 and #18 that ultimately cost him the championship. “Listen, I don’t want to hear about Rodca’s or beer costing me this title. Gavin won it fair and square and that’s the end of it. This season has been a great learning experience and I have grown as a result. Before I just slapped it around and none of my golf buddies would chirp me or leave me for the bar on #14 tee. The KWGA is an alternate golf lifestyle and I realize that I can compete in this environment. I know my time is coming. Now where did I leave my chi rocks?”

Rounding out the Top 5 were a pair of miscreants well known to the KWGA landscape. Saddled with the pressure of being the pre-tournament favorite, Doug “The 4th Reich” Irwin continued to wow the gallery and one unsuspecting playing partner with his array of 20 foot high missiles that would somehow find their mark. The 4th Reich started his charge with a birdie at #8, an even par Orchard and a drive off #14 tee that even the Luftwaffe would have been proud. “The guy is a golfing marvel” said a bedazzled Tom Fonda-Thomson. “I had heard the stories but to see it in person is awe inspiring. Irwin is proof positive that you can play the game along the ground and that miracles can happen. I mean how else can you explain him finding a wife like that? Nothing makes sense in the world anymore.” Not to be outdone, a certain syncronized swimmer Arnie Telly-Kelley continued his second half resurgence with a solid -1 round that vaulted him from 6th to 2nd in the FEDEX Standings. Only a 3 over Valley finish could get in the way of his first career victory. “People look at me and doubt me. They think I can’t hear them but my hearing is a lot better than they think.” said Telly-Kelley. “Grinding is an art and that’s what I do best. Today’s result puts destiny in my own hands and the stretch run should be fun.”

In what can only be described as a disgusting display of WWE Wrestling style histrionics and hustle, two golfers stood out at Saturday’s TPC like nothing seen before. Craig “The Hammer” MacDonald and Rene “The Fixer” MacKay (formerly known as “The Shooter”) brow-beat and suckered the KWGA’s Commissioner Derek Ford into “a little, fun side game.” The fact that it was already a Major Championship should have been enough on the line, however, that certainly wasn’t what the two Antigonish products figured. Two front nine birdies were followed by four more on the back nine in a slaughter that brought back memories of the Cambodian Killing Fields. “It was difficult to watch and stomach.” said an exasperated Commissioner. “MacDonald non-nonchalantly bellowed on #1 tee that Saturday was his second round of the year while MacKay kept murmuring about a bad back bothering him all week. I’ve seen better acting in porno. The depth of this set up was so astounding to me now that I look back. I know it’s only $79 I lost but I also lost a ball on #14 and got DQ’d to round out my day. Meanwhile I have to watch MacDonald’s Howitzer 330 yard drive miraculously ricochet off trees and a washroom on that same hole….and yet find the middle of the fairway. The worst part is my playing partner didn’t even tell me we were in a match until the 3rd hole. I’d say war has been declared.”

A formal investigation has been launched by the KWGA’s Fair Play Committee to determine if Grampy Burke was actually in on The Hustle and/or received a take from the MacDonald/MacKay profits.

The Mental Game

We all know when that moment is coming, when the anger and fury just can’t be ignored. Maybe it was the 3rd bladed chip shot of your round, the tee shots that just won’t stop slamming into woodwork like roadkill in a blender or seeing the Beverage Cart take a sudden turn away from your group in the distance. There are so many variables that can derail a round. This week, Deepak Chopra stopped by the KWGA offices to give you, the true amateur golfer, some helpful tips on just how to keep the lid on a golfing meltdown.

1.) BREATHING- No, I don’t mean hyperventilating or sucking air from a paper bag. Nice, easy, rhythmic and controlled breathing goes a long way in lessening pre-shot anxiety. “I’ve watched how effective audilble exhaling can be for The Hunchback. I know he sounds like a moose in heat…but if it works…why not?

2.) THE “HAPPY PLACE”- Everyone has that place in their brain where they can all forget the pain of a bladed wedge from 100 yards. For some of you it may be that deserted island in the Carribean or a an afternoon of gardening your favorite azaleas. For me it’s Tootsies Cabaret. Having conversations with naked women is both therapeutic and healthy and takes me back to some special moments in my life. Plus it makes me forget the sweat and sod stains on my golf shirt.

3.) THE F-BOMB- A study released recently from Valley Fundamental Health said that 63% of golfers who dropped the F-Bomb after a terrible swing or unlucky bounce have a much lesser risk of developing (a) uncontrollable shakes and kicking their snuggle buddy in their sleep (b) constipation/hardened stool/gas (c) a thirst for copious amounts of alcohol and (d) a penchant for finding the parking lot after 9 holes. The study also revealed that 100% golfers expressed that they just darn well feel better when the tirade of cussing (in any language) has been completed. “You just can’t measure the full benefits of lashing out verbally at your playing partner or the Golf Gods.”

4.) SELF-REALIZATION TICKS- We truly all are too hard on ourselves. Why can’t I swing it every time like Ricky Fowler…or have a girlfriend like his? The answer is simple people. We are amateur golfers and Rickie Fowler has much less hair on his back. So stop beating yourself up over it. Set realistic goals for your round (“I’m gonna get this one air born, “I will NOT find the hozzle my next shot, If I lag it to 4 feet they HAVE to give me that putt!”). Take notes, give yourself a sticker or just give yourself a silent pat on your back. You can be a good person if you try.

News, Notes & Quotes

“Here Craig, Rene. Just take my wallet. Just take what you want. Please leave me some money for my rent and some food stamps.” ~Commissioner Ford

-Saturday marked the first time The Weasel failed to place in the Top 3 after four straight occurrences to start the 2015 season. “I don’t practice, I travel and work a lot, my wife didn’t cut the crusts off my sandwich, my pants were too tight. I can’t use those things as excuses today. I just didn’t get it done.”

-Next Saturday is event #14… the Fred Herbin Experience. Entrants are encouraged to wear their purples and pinks, the colours that represent the haze and fury that our beloved Herbin always played with. Make sure you sign up by 8:00pm Monday night!

-A special thank-you to Gerry and Joan Elliott for opening their home to our band of misfits. To say that your amenities were enjoyed would not do it justice. The food, drinks, salt water pool and entertainment were all way overboard and the KWGA thanks you from the bottom of my size 16 golf shoes. It was also nice to see so many families, wives and pink, white and hairy men wading like walrus’ on the shores of Carmel Bay, CA Bay. Next season can’t get here fast enough! Thanks again!

THE FOGG LIFTS AGAIN!

No competitor is safe…No Fogg too thick. White carries a big stick in winning the 2015 Cheeseburger Picnic!

The writing is on the wall ladies and gentlemen…this is Mike White’s world…and we are all just visitors. On a perfect day for “scoring golf” The Fogg served notice Saturday afternoon that he can do just that….score. After a scratchy outward nine 44, The Fogg wielded his ax with a par on #10 and a a wedge to 4 feet on #11 that led to a birdie, his second of the day. Pars at #12, #13, #14 and #15 put The Fogg at -1 for the inward nine which meant only disaster could prevent him from his second win in three weeks. After a solid bogey on the tough 16th, White averted said disaster on #17 with a clutch approach to the green from the weeds left of the moguls and the tournament was his. Using a combination of Big Chief Strong Bow cider and muscle relaxers, the 6’5 power forward continued to make strides with his game. “I really could have been better than -5 today. I missed three or four putts from within five feet…but I also got a few breaks too so it all evens out as Grampy likes to say. I am just riding the wave right now. Things are clicking for me. All I have to worry about now is one of my competitors slashing my tires in the parking lot or taking a tire iron to my knee like that whole Nancy Kerrigan-Tonya Harding thing. Wasn’t that ridiculous?”

Commissioner Ford loosens up on the range before Saturday’s Cheeseburger Picnic with his new weapon…the R15.

Saturday also saw Commissioner Ford re-enter the fray armed with his new nuclear weapon, the R15. Ford played his usual Seve Ballesteros style Saturday morning, pounding and scrambling his way from woods and weeds to 5 birdies in what could have been a personal best day. An outward nine 37 included just one par. After birdies at #1 and a wedge to 8 inches on #7, Ford then rolled in an 8 footer for bird at #9 and a 6 footer for another birdie on #10 to get the gallery rollicking. “It was a fun day out there. Our group was rolling them in from everywhere and hitting irons stiff. It almost looked like a video game at one point. I did everything I could out there today so if 5 birdies aren’t good enough to beat The Fogg, I may have to start talking about his daughter in a swim suit the next time we are grouped together. That guy is unbelievable.”

“Jeff, The Legion isn’t the only establishment that has Ladies Nights ya know.” ~Fonda-Thomson

Not to be outdone, The Third Legge continued his strong month of July with yet another Top 3 finish in a round that included two birdies. Carting with The Commissioner’s brother and new sports psychologist/swing coach/bus driver Fonda-Thomson, Third Legge carded birdies at #5 and #11 for a -2 round that vaulted him to 12th in the FEDEX standings. “I think the key for me today was the power cart, some Visine for my pink eye and a renewed confidence.” said Third Legge. “I can’t forget the calming voice of Fonda-Thomson though. He started to sound like Deepak Chopra at one point with his philosophies on life and the benefits of staying single. He made a lot of sense and it freed me up to play confidently knowing that I don’t have to settle for those women at The Canning Legion. There’s a big wide world outside of Canning and he helped me realize that.” Maxwell-Smart and The 4th Reich rounded out the Top 5 that included a 72 gross from Maxwell-Smart (-1) and Irwin at -1 in yet another example of how hockey players and golf can go hand in hand somehow. It does make one wonder if Irwin was able stay on his skates after taking a slap shot though! Great work fellas!

How I Spend My “Off Days”

by “Where’s Waldo”

My 17th visit to Scots Bay this summer. ~Waldo

Many probably wonder what KWGA personality Waldo-Murray does with his time off tour. With a myriad of entertainment options available to him, it is no wonder he is not seen on tour every week. So the staff at KWGA-TMZ decided to take a film crew on the road and follow the only KWGA Tour Pro who has a drink named in his honour.

KWGA-TMZ: “Waldo, rumour has it that your crab and shell collection has reached epic level. It looks like all those afternoon trips to Scots Bay and The Look-Off are really paying off. Any concern that your sea shell collection has dropped you to 16th in FEDEX standing?”

Waldo: “Listen, everyone worries too much about me. Will he make it to the tee? Will he finish 18 holes? Will he remember to plug-in his air mask? I just don’t understand. The only thing people should be worrying about me is my talent. I can spot these guys 20 or 30 points and still make the playoffs. As far as my sea shell collection…I am running out of mantle space for them and the cost of polish has really gone up, so it may actually be cheaper for me to start playing golf again. Plus, Harold may be starting to get a complex because I haven’t made it his Cheeseburger Picnic the last 2 summers. I heard he even has someone at his house who will cut the crusts off my bread now.”

KWGA-TMZ: “Yes, but Waldo, everyone just wants the best for you and to see that 0.8% part of your personality that everyone loves and adores. Any chance we could see that 0.8% this Friday?

Waldo: “The only 0.8% I know about is the alcohol content in a bottle of that old Ten Penny ale. I used to love that stuff. Who cares if you could see things floating around inside the bottle. I wonder if Harold has any of that stuff stashed in his garage? Hmmm.”

KWGA-TMZ- “This is a big tournament for you Friday. Will you prepare any differently? Anything we should know about?”

Waldo: “Fellas, golf is easy. It’s the other stuff that is difficult. I’ve been working on my whistle that’s about it. I want those cart girls to be able to hear me from 4 fairways over…not the current 3.”

What to Watch For- The Valley Ford Fist Fight

Brent “The Weasel” Locke- Can Weasie keep it up? The fish doctor has finished in the Top 3 in all four events he has played in 2015. My money says yes.

The Race for 8th- Only 4 points separates 8th from 11th (8. Elliott 9. Johnson 10. Kelley 11. Irwin) in the FEDEX standings with a red hot Third Legge in 12th just 9.5 points behind. This part of the race is heating up!

“Grampy” Burke- Just how well will Grampy be able to concentrate with 6 and 8 year old grand daughers on his bag Friday? Do they even know how to order beer and ritalin? This could be a tough week.

Is The Fogg for Real?- Currently 2nd in FEDEX standing, The Fogg’s handicap has dropped to 14 after a sizzling July that has seen him rise all the way from 19th just one month ago. Somebody hide the Strong Bow please!

New, Notes & Quotes

After watching The Denim Cowboy Kenny and Darrell Kneivel-Cook yesterday racing on Jet Skis, I was reminded of a series on Showcase TV from a few years ago…Kenny vs Spenny. What else will they compete at…without any training necessary????

–Dick Butkus Award- Former Chicago Bears Hall of Fame linebacker Dick Butkus is roundly considered the toughest S.O.B to ever trot on to an NFL playing surface. This week we had a Dick Butkus-esque performance in the KWGA. Pneumonia, antibiotics nor yesterday’s humidity (yes, I did feel like I was wearing saran wrap panties yesterday) could not keep Double-Double from teeing it up for The Cheeseburger Picnic. To shoot 74 under those circumstances is pretty darn good. Great job buddy!

-Yesterday’s 18 combined birdies were a season high for the KWGA. The skill level has risen it seems!

-Things are getting a bit loose with tournament sign-up lately fellas. I am taking a lot of verbal requests on putting greens and after rounds. I understand that that can’t be avoided at times but i worry I may forget something or someone, and then we have chaos. We need to get back to logging in to the website and responding that way if we could. Thanks.

-A special THANK-YOU to Harold Fisher for opening his cottage penthouse yesterday for the second annual Cheeseburger Picnic. The burgers and salads were unbelievable, boats, Jet Skis, water skiing and dog paddling were all amazing. I even got to do my signature cannonball off the end of the dock several times. The only downside to the event was that Hrold’s twin golden retrievers beat me to what looked like very tasty Nanaimo bars! Thanks again Harold, I look forward to next summer’s event already….PS…How much is rent in your garage apartment again?

See you this Friday for the Valley Ford Fist Fight!

~The Commissioner

Woodworth Scary Heritage Champ!

In a season that has seen its fair share of epiphanies and surprises, one more smacked the KWGA upside its head Saturday morning. Like a lonesome cowboy roaming the plains foraging for meat, “Air Bud” Woodworth carted alone and used his steely nerve, signature chi rocks and a clutch par on the 18th hole to hold on down the stretch, securing his first career KWGA victory at The Heritage by one stroke over the game duo of Weasie and Fogg. His lead slipping after bogies at #16 and #17, Air Bud jingled and jangled in his pockets for just the right combination of patience, courage and nutsack. “My parents wouldn’t buy me chi rocks when I was a kid. They thought all that witchcraft stuff was craziness, so I had to substitute. I know people don’t want to know this, but when I am nervous, my tees and ball marker aren’t why I dig in my pockets.” said an elated Air Bud. “I have been working up to this all season and working on my game constantly but I think my ability to block out The Sheriff’s barbs all day was the key to my round. Nobody would ride in the f&^$^*^^ cart with me so I stuck it to them. Another $30 on my KenWo account…but this time it was well worth it.”

Just in front of Air Bud all day was the pairing of Weasie and Fogg who waged their own war on traditional golf and decorum. Though not blessed with syrupy swings or refined putting strokes, both found a way to be in contention Saturday once again. From afar, the duo looked like Jason from Friday the 13th and Freddy Krueger, lashing their clubs like chainsaws at teenagers but the results nobody can deny. The Fogg, coming off his victory last week at Tupper Lake, parred #2, bonged #3 and rammed in a bomb for birdie on #5 to jump start his round. Another birdie at #12 and the stage was set for another run at a title. However, The Fogg was sidetracked mentally on #14 by a visit from something clad in spandex and a disastrous triple bogey 8 on the par 5 dropped him out of the lead. “Those kinds of mental lapses are just who has made me who I am.” said a happy Fogg. “I can’t control that part of my brain, never could. Papa Bill tried to teach me tennis back in the day but I have the attention span of a fruit fly, so I moved on to basketball. Now it’s carried over to golf I think.”

The KWGA’s version of “Hack & Slash” fought gallantly but couldn’t pull out the victory at Saturday’s Heritage Championship.

For Weasie, his round lacked fireworks but contained a run of pars that strikes fear into his lower handicapped opponents. After a wobbly 44 Front 9, Weasie proceeded to par The Orchard to put himself in contention for more than a KWGA title. However, The Weasel’s par on #18 could not offset four consecutive bogies in The Valley and he was forced to settle for yet another Top 3 finish this season. His performance marked the 4th straight time in the Top 3 which has even The Weasel himself wondering if more money can be made on the golf course as opposed fish farming. “It’s just a matter of time before I break through.” said a dejected Weasel. “But ya know what? It took me 10 months of dating before I got to see my woman in her jammies, so this golf thing will take some time too. I can’t rush it. I tried to do that in High School and I always ended up playing videos games after those HS dances instead of seeing feminine laundry. I am OK with where I am at but I do know that I have a target on my back now. Guys are gunning for me.

“Who’s Hot! Who’s Not?”

~HOT~

The Fogg- Mike has followed up his strong showing at The Masters (5th) with a win (Tussle at Tupper Lake) and a T2 (The Heritage) taking him from 19th to 7th in FEDEX Standings.

Biggest Johnson- Although Johnson did not play yesterday due to yet another adult film commitment, Johnson’s last 3 events have been impressive with a T3 (Medford Mile), runner-up (Masters) and a T3 (Tupper Lake).

Third Legge- The KWGA’s quietest hangover has finished his last 2 events T5 (Tupper Lake) and 4th at yesterday’s Heritage. It’s just a matter of time before his first career win.

~NOT~

The Sheriff- After reaching #1 in the KWGA a month ago, The Sheriff has finished T12 (Masters), T14 (Tupper Lake) and 15th (The Heritage) dropping him to 4th in the standings. “The tabernacle choir has had me practicing on my larynx more than my golf game lately. I guess booze is hard on both now that I think of it.

Mr. Wildcat (formerly known as KKK)- Since changing his nickname, disaster has struck this Kentville product’s game, prompting him and many to re-think the change. His last 4 finishes (T14th, 20, T14, 13) are far below expectations this season. “I have it in me, now it’s just time to let things happen. If it doesn’t happen soon though, I’ll be breaking out the bed sheet with 2 eye holes again.

Denim Cowboy-Kenny- A slow start to his KWGA professional career (21st Masters, 11th Tupper Lake, T11 The Heritage) hasn’t taken the smile off of Kenny’s face. “I know this is a process…and if anyone could feel inside my hip right now, they would stop eating hamburger meat…forever.

“KWGA Men’s Health Corner”

The 2015 KWGA regular season has reached the midway point and that means the inevitable…injuries. With that, The Commissioner’s Office and it’s highly trained physiotherapy staff have been hard at work trying to both treat injuries…and prevent them. The following is just the tip of the iceberg to what’s available and supplied with each season’s $20 dues.

More than Moral Support- Forget all those cheap and cumbersome wraps and straps you can find over the counter at Shoppers Drug Mart. It’s time to really fortify the core which is truly what creates power in a golf swing. Drawbacks- Excessive sweating and feeling feminine.

Some of the KWGA’s finest model 2015’s version of golf fitness and injury prevention.

Stretching- The importance of stretching simply cannot be overstated. Those hamstrings and back just don’t have the elasticity that they once did. The Commissioner may look strange sometimes doing his stretching around the putting green before rounds…what goes on at home is even more impressive and difficult.  Go ahead, give them a try. Drawbacks- I can’t get up off the floor sometimes…and if the phone rings, I’m toast.

News, Notes & Quotes

-“TINGGGGGGGGG…..Arnie, sounds like it’s time for Round 3!”  Kelley’s tee shot on #3 careened off the metal tee collector 30 feet in front of him, making a noise that made it seem more like Joe Frazier and Muhammad Ali had just gotten off their stools for the Heavyweight Championship.

-Saturday’s Heritage marked the first time that a defending champion did not defend a KWGA title. After missing the sign-up deadline earlier in the week, Where’s Waldo spent Saturday collecting clams and shells on yet another sojourn to Scot’s Bay. Update: Harold felt so lost without him, he left KenWo immediately following the round to enter counselling for separation anxiety. (He saw the same therapist as The Hunchback did when Grampy left for his 2 month winter vacation in Myrtle Beach, SC.)

-The KWGA would like to send out a “Get well soon” to Double-Double. Last season’s FEDEX Champion has been laid up with some maladies and we hope to see you out on tour again soon. Plus, some of your students need some helpful tips…and I mean FAST!

-Next Saturday Harold is hosting a gathering in Aylesford Lake. Please make sure you sign up on the website ASAP so Harold can have some idea as to people attending.

Great fun again yesterday fellas…looking forward to seeing everyone again at KenWo and Harold’s next Saturday. To those going away this week, please have safe and enjoyable travels…and we will see you when you get back for the “Stretch Run for the FEDEX Playoffs!

~The Commissioner

DON’T “TUSSLE” WITH THE FOGG!!!

Finally, the fury and golf violence that is “The Fogg” may finally stop! Wolfville product and Tupper Lake savant Mike White made KenWo his personal playground of ganja Saturday morning in what can only be called a golfing miracle. After two years of slashing, cussing and trying, White used more than his prodigious length and power to tame KenWo with a personal season’s best 79 gross (-9 Net) in winning The Tussle at Tupper Lake by a whopping 6 strokes. The event was never in doubt as White laid down the gauntlet with pars at #1 and #2 and at #3 by driving the green and tapping in for birdie to start his round -1 gross. As if to snub his nose and spit at the rest of the field one last time, White then decided to finish his round par, birdie, par, par on holes #15-#18 serving notice that he can make more than free throws. “This is an exciting day for me.” said an elated White. “Golf isn’t what I was born to do but I think today proves that if you have any physical / mental limitations or personal issues, they can be overcome. I just caught fire today like a pair of Under Armour swim trunks at a post-round campfire and I couldn’t be stopped.”

Even more surprising than his win was his post-round choice of music, a Bob Marley/Peter Tosh raggae mix that hasn’t been heard since an Acadia University CARICOM Society fundraiser. KWGA members could only look on in amazement like watching a 7 legged platypus being caught on film in the wild for the very first time. White’s win marks the third straight time this season a KWGA member hosting a social event has won his own event prompting some to ask The Commissioner’s Office for an inquiry. “I don’t know what to say.” said a stunned Commissioner Ford. “I had guys walking past me silently post-round, rolling their eyes and asking me to sick The Ombudsman on The Fogg. Results like todays make you realize why Jim Jones’ followers actually drank the Kool-Aid.”

Saturday also saw the continued solid, strong play of Harold “Mr. October” Fisher whose -3 score would win many weeks on tour. Mr. October has found his golfing “Fountain of Youth” in the last 9 months and he was asked about it at his post-round press conference. “Listen fellas, this is not rocket science. When you are happy, you play well. Your mind is clear and you have a postive outlook on the possibilities of each shot. I don’t envision disaster before any shot or think that the sky may fall if I don’t mak par. Plus they lowered the monthly fee on my website subscription and raised my allowable dates per month. How can I lose? I want to be the first to congratulate The Fogg on a great round. Now if you will excuse me, I have to go clean up the house, activate all of my vanilla “scratch and sniffs” in my bathroom…and make my bed.”

The battle for third place came down to a sword fight between the KWGA’s phallic acronyms, Gary “Biggest” Johnson and Jeff “The Third” Legge in what turned out to be a donnybrook for TIMBER supremacy. KWGA fans have been begging for these two penile giants to go head to head for 2 years now, and Saturday it finally came to fruition. In what can only be termed a surprise it was Johnson and his blue pills who outlasted his younger competitor down the stretch going even par in The Valley to douse Legge with his brand of special sauce. The Third Legge seemed powerless in the face of Johnson’s X-rated assault, bogeying the final two holes to poetically end this matchup in a tie. “I haven’t been this worn out since my last film, Behind KenWo’s Green Door.” said an exhausted yet happy Johnson. “The Third Legge can play and he knows how to use his hose too, so this battle today will go down in KWGA lore. I just hope I don’t have to prove myself again like that for another few weeks. I ain’t 28 anymore.”

KWGA INSURANCE POLICY UPDATE

Please be advised that the KWGA’s medical and insurance benefits premiums have had to be increased to deal with the increased demand after Saturday’s “Campfire for Invalids” at Tupper Lake. Furthermore, the KWGA can’t be deemed responsible for any damage occurring at Social Events when (a) alcohol or medicine is being used/is present (b) Basic fire prevention/boating safety procedures are not followed/ignored (c) someone has a pre-existing condition that impedes them from moving away from downwind or (d) your wife/significant other/boyfriend has to come to pick you up and drive you home every time.

KWGA veteran Grampy relaxes haphazardly at the post-round gathering in Tupper Lake Saturday evening.

KWGA members Murray, Poirier, Newcombe and White in clear violation of KWGA Safety Code 37(a) failure to adhere and wear life preservers and for being imbeciles.

(Evidentiary Claim#2) Complainant:Poirier….$19.99

NEWS, NOTES & QUOTES

~”Great job Sheriff…atta keep your pants on buddy.” ~The Commissioner utters this post-round to himself following The Sheriff’s first round this season where he managed to keep his belt fastened for 18 holes.

~A “Welcome Back” this week to Maxwell-Smart. After signing a new multi-year contract with Cobra, Maxwell-Smart walked onto KenWo and fired a ferocious 72 that included 9 pars, 4 birdies and a partridge in a pear tree.

~Next week Rod “Where’s Waldo” Murray will defend his title at The Heritage. Murray fired a career low 67 to win last season’s event however this year’s over/under on his score is 80. (Harrah’s Sportsbook & Casino, Las Vegas, NV).

~All reports from StanFest ’15 have come back positive with only minor casualties reported. However, KWGA veteran Double-Double is questionable for The Heritage with a sore/separated shoulder after falling asleep in the grassy field.

~See you next week fellas and a SPECIAL THANKS to Mike White and Mark Gavin for their efforts and hospitality at Tupper Lake. It was much appreciated. The food and beverages were right on the money…and the benefits of that Lake Water cannot be overstated. I do not get many chances to feel “weightless”, so yesterdays two dips in the lake were priceless for me!

The Commissioner

Not even a family emergency could stop Nick Levy Saturday morning at the KWGA’s most coveted championship, the 2015 Masters. After some early morning scrambling, Levy barely made it to #1 tee on time…and was he ever glad he did. Levy fired an impressive 77 (-6) holding off a spirited run by Gary’s Biggest Johnson and The Weasel Locke to take the title by two strokes and cement his spot in KWGA history. Levy’s round started in electric fashion, hitting the flag-stick on #2 and tapping in for a short birdie at #3 to take the lead. After a double bogey at #5, Levy went -1 the rest of the Front Nine carding an impressive 36. His Back 9 had a hiccup at #14 where he double-bogeyed the Par 5 14th but Levy was able to steady the ship, parring the last 3 holes in impressive fashion to secure his first win on tour and putting him in the elite group of major championship winners. “This is hard for me to grasp at the moment. I hit the ground with two feet running this morning and I haven’t stopped, so this hasn’t sunken in yet.” said an elated Levy. “To join the likes of Maxwell and Elliott as Masters’ Champions is something I only dreamed of, now it is reality.”

The win vaulted Levy from 22nd to 12th in the FEDEX Standings and put the KWGA on notice that a new contender is in play. However, Saturday’s story was not all about Levy, as Hantsport’s Johnson defied the odds and made his own run at the championship after surviving a triple-bogey 7 at the 9th hole. A birdie at #14 got the Back 9 roars started, and needing 2 pars in the final 4 holes, Johnson couldn’t quite get the job done, bogeying all 4 to let his claim slip through his grasp. “Nobody expected much out of me today, including Las Vegas and The Commissioner.” said a spirited Johnson. “I really thought I had a chance after that birdie on #14 but those last 4 holes are challenging and I just couldn’t close the gap in the end. I am happy with where my game is at right now, so the rest of 2015 should be a fun ride. I can’t wait to get into the fray again. Maybe I am not such a long shot after all.”

Perhaps Saturday’s saddest yet most uplifting story came from the KWGA’s “Chicken Hawk” figure in Weasie-Locke. A solid 41 Front Nine had him primed for a Back 9 charge, but the wheels came off at #14, where like a wounded fawn he hunts in the woods, Weasie fell victim to a viscous attack. Nine wild, frustrating lashes took Locke out of the Masters lead and even a solid par 4 on #18 could not save him. The disappointment was etched all over his face following the round and he could only rue the hiccup at #14. “I felt great about my chances coming in here today.” said The Weasel. “I had a great week of preparation and my wife even learned what the term chesterfield rugby means. Revelations don’t just have to happen on the golf course ya know. I couldn’t be happier right now. Yes, I would have liked a Green Jacket today, but chesterfield rugby isn’t the worst consolation prize.

Saturday’s Masters was a “double the points” event and as a result the FEDEX Standings have become as condensed and thick as a bowl of chili at Tupper Lake. Barry Bannister-Hennigar’s solid play continued Saturday as the stench from Port Williams was forgotten with a 4th place finish which vaulted him to top spot in the race for the FEDEX Cup. “I needed these points today because I am taking 3 weeks off tour.” said Hennigar. “My kids have outgrown the Bill Lynch Shows in New Minas so we are driving to Toronto where they have a bigger Ferris Wheel.” The biggest mover was of course Levy who went from 22nd to 12th while Biggest Johnson went from 16th to 9th, just one point out of the race for the playoffs. Telly-Kelley improved from 13th to 10th while the biggest drop came in the name of Mr. Wildcat, whose 20th place finish in the Masters dropped him from 9th to 16th in the FEDEX Standings. “Boy, did somebody ever give this rough a good steroid program.” said a downcast Poirier. “I was in it so much the hair on my shaved legs even turned green.”

COMMISSIONER’S NOTE

Fellas, the last two weeks have been a nightmare sorting the money out upstairs and at Medford Beach. There are 3 containers with labels on them to aid you in this process. Place take a moment to read the container labels before just tossing your money on the table or in any container. It will make this process run much smoother. Thanks.

The Pink Piggy Bank ($1)- This is the KWGA Kitty. Place a loonie in this container. Support KWGA initiatives.

Plastic Container #1 ($1)- This is for the LOW NET winner each week.

Plastic Cylindrical Container #2 ($5)-This is where the $5 rang money goes.

“2015 MASTERS MOMENTS”

-Telly-Kelley gets up off the deck after 2 week absence with a birdie at #1 and an iron to 20 inches on #3.

-The Shooter birdies #2 and #8 for two rangs with the best Masters slacks in the tournament’s history.

-Barry Bannister Hennigar’s Back Nine 36 was the tournament’s best by 3 strokes.

-Double-Double went -1 over the final 4 holes.

-4 total KWGA “Helicopter” Club Tosses

-Seeing everybody gathered upstairs following the round…priceless.

THE MASTERS IN PICTURES

The Commissioner enlists the aid of some friends on the range prior to Saturday’s KWGA Masters.

The 4th Reich assesses his chances of reaching the green in two on the Par 5 14th hole  Saturday morning.

The Sheriff looks for some help with his quadruple bogey putt on #14 Saturday morning.

“Jeebers Creebers…I think I found it fellas.” ~Mr. Wildcat

Mr. October reminds everyone while walking the 18th fairway that golf isn’t everything.

See you next week fellas!

~The Commissioner

HARRAH’S SPORTS BOOK AND CASINO- LAS VEGAS, NV

MASTERS PLAYER ODDS

***THE FAVORITES***

“The Hunchback” Kevin Newcombe (5-2)- The Hunchback has seen his fair share of dark golf years yet he has persevered through the most difficult rough patch in his career. The last 3 seasons have tested his resolve to the point he almost became Johnny Miller. However, as the bible says, whatever doesn’t kill you shall make you stronger, and The Hunchback is living proof. His win last week at The Medford Mile, his 70 just 9 days ago in Men’s Night, his 4th place standing in the race for the FEDEX Cup all adds up to a man peaking at the right time. This may be his best chance to win a Major.

“The Weasel” Brent Locke (3-1)- The Weasel has just gotten better and better over the last 2 seasons and has been nothing short of spectacular in his 2 events to start the campaign. The Steve Stricker of the KWGA Tour in my opinion. Not many events but always seems to be near the top in Majors whenever he plays. The Wease makes things happen with his clubs and his laugh which will no doubt keep him loose when the going gets tough in The Valley. The only issue is, is there a green jacket his size?

“The Sheriff” John Amirault (7-2)- Sheriff John has truly been a golf epiphany this season as he currently leads the FEDEX Standings with over 80 points. When his driver in on the confidence starts to build like a Fat Albert Pie Eating Competition. An improved putter and mental approach have all done wonders in his ascension up the ranks and everything points to a solid round come Saturday. However, The Sheriff is nursing a wrist injury suffered Wednesday night and it is unclear if he will be at 100%. If he is 100%, the KWGA may all be going to jail.

“The Shooter” Rene’ MacKay (4-1)- I know what you are thinking…but he doesn’t play any golf! That’s where you are wrong KWGA fans. The Shooter spends many late nights in the lengthening shadows honing his craft and there may be no better player from 100 yards and in in the field. The Shooter also finished Top 3 in all 3 majors last season and has tested his mettle in competition many times over the years. If he can keep his driver in the fairway chances are he goes low with his 6 handicap. If not, we may not see him for many a week.

***LEGITIMATE CONTENDERS***

Wayne “Grampy” Burke (5-1)- After a week preparing for The Masters in PEI, Burke will no doubt feel much more relaxed in familiar surroundings Saturday morning. Armed with a new 6 handicap after some early season struggles on Tour, Grampy has just enough wiggle room to post a score worthy of a winner. The change to side-saddle putting has shown mixed results so far this season and his Saturday result will come down to whether he can make some putts with that giant stir stick. If not, he is sending it to a milk &blend factory…surely they can find SOME use for it.

Nick “The Levee Broke” Levy (6-1)- I am playing a hunch here ladies and gentlemen. Levy has not played since the opening Flower Cart Classic but 13 strokes to play with, at his level of golf, is too hard to ignore. If he can get his children up and dressed in time without any disasters, he will be one to keep an eye on. If not, it may be September before we see him again. This is a sleeper alert pick.

Gerry “Double-Double” Elliott (13-2)- Struggles in the last two events scared away the Harrah’s investors from making Double-Double a favorite. An 81 at The Medford Mile had many scratching their heads, including Double-Double himself. He is just one year removed from his winning 69 in last year’s Masters and as NBA legend and Hall of Famer Rudy Tomjanovich once said, “Never underestimate the heart of a champion.” At over 6x the money, Double-Double will get some action at the gate…now let’s just let the chips fall where they may.

Johnny “The Corduroy Cowboy” Kenny (7-1)- Kenny will be making his professional debut this week after faring weel as an amateur in last week’s Medford Mile. Health is a concern for the long haul this season but last week’s 79 proved that he knows just as much about golf as he does apples. Kenny is just happy to be here and has enough game to make a run on the Back 9 come Saturday. This may be unpopular with some of the veterans but life isn’t always fair.

Commissioner Derek Ford (7-1)- The season has started well for The Commissioner with a win at The Munich Oktoberfest Open and another Top 3. He also finished 2nd at The Masters in 2014 with a shiny 73. However, a meltdown at The Avon Lea Open, some struggles with his wedges on Wednesday’s practice round and a balky back this week have many wondering just what to expect from the Camp Kookamonga Director. The first 5 holes will be critical and have been trouble for him in the past. If he can get through those +1 or better, look out. If not, it may be slamming the trunk time.

***GOTTA CRACK AT IT***

Barry Bannister-Hennigar (8-1)- If pictures were painted on scorecards, Bannister-Hennigar might win every week. His short and medium range putting draws ohhh’s and ahhh’s every week on the KWGA Tour. A strong start to the 2015 season also bodes will but some struggles on Wednesday’s practice round dropped him down a tier. He posted a solid 78 in last year’s Masters finishing 7th but Port Williams doesn’t have to only be known for that horrific stench of pig manure…why not a Masters Champion too?

“Mr. October” Harold Fisher (9-1)- It’s just a matter of time before this man breaks through. Not many have the care free attitude of a Fisher whose “zero anxiety” approach overrides any of his technical flaws. It’s just going to have to come from the putter this Saturday and with 17 strokes to play with, that would be dangerous. As long as he doesn’t get any mid-round messages from his mobile websites he could surprise.

“The 4th Reich” Doug Irwin (9-1)- After struggling on tour for the last 3 weeks, The 4th Reich took time away from Kenwolia Lane and it was just what the doctor ordered. His first career hole in one at Cabot Links has no doubt bloated his self-confidence to epic levels and now the KWGA field with have to deal with him once again. The ultimate bulldog, The 4th Reich will need to pull off some uncomfortable shots Saturday to make a run and the green jacket.

“Where’s Waldo” Rod Murray (10-1)- I know what you are thinking. Right, the Rockette has no chance. What some don’t realize is that Murray finished Top 3 in the Munich Open this season and 2nd in the 2013 Masters. It’s all a matter of clarity for the retired Drama Queen Teacher. If he can concentrate on the task at hand, get off to a solid start, 7 strokes is a lot to play with. However, if the voices start calling and the interest wanes, it’s lights out Waldo. The KWGA’s Sergio Garcia.

***OUTSIDE SHOTS***

“The Shark” Mark Gavin (11-1)- Taking time away from golf can be bad…and sometimes very good. After a month hiatus gallivanting Europe and its nether regions, The Shark is back at The Masters. a distant 20th in the FEDEX standings nobody quite knows where his game is at. However he finished a solid 8th at the 2014 Masters and his head should be cleared of any negative thought. Battling the perfumed throng of ladies in his gallery will be his biggest obstacle Saturday.

“Mr. Wildcat-Formerly known as KKK” Kevin Poirier (12-1)- Nobody will ever questions his will to compete. He has done it all season lugging a slender 6 handicap around tour all season and sits 9th in the FEDEX standings under the harshest of circumstances. Sneaky long, KKK has the ability to make birdies which can keep him in the hunt. However, he may have to make 4 of them to win and that is a difficult task under extreme pressure. Plus he looks more like his dad walking the fairways every time I see him.

Bob Maxwell-Smart (13-1)- After a spectacular 2014 season, Smart has struggled to deal with the cinder block attached to his nut sack that is a 3 handicap. It’s a daunting task to know that you have to shoot a 70 just to have a chance. However, his preparation and concentration is something a lot could learn from and that will help him on Saturday. Plus he knows how to raise some tasty chickens!

“The Donald” Bryson (14-1)- Perhaps nobody reminds us of Johnny Miller more than the Hortonville habitant named The Donald. After some time away from the tour and a sojourn to mingle with Ron Joyce at Fox Harbour, Bryson is back with his 14 strokes of love and competitive spirit. The Donald shared the Tour Championship title and finished second in last season’s Deutsche Bank so he knows how to use his 14 strokes effectively. My back-up sleeper pick this week.

***LONG SHOTS***

Arnie Telly-Kelley (15-1)- Unfortunately the injury bug caught up with The Big Gun in June, sidelining him for the last 2 KWGA events. When healthy, Telly-Kelley finds a way to get the ball in the hole when the chips are down. If he can get his putter working Saturday, then 9 strokes is a lot of cushion. One thing we know for sure, he will compete until the bitter end. However, if his injury is too debilitating, then it could be a long day for our beloved ball peen hammer. Just too many question marks heading into this grand event.

Gary “Biggest” Johnson (15-1)- Johnson is best known for his epic 13 on the final hole in last season’s event and the bitter yet comical memory still resonates on his palette. This season hasn’t started well for Johnson but the USA did beat USSR on the ice in 1980, so anything could happen. He will certainly have the gallery behind him after his proclamation to donate all his winnings this week. I know I will be cheering for him! However, it will be an uphill battle…use those 14 strokes wisely my friend.

Scott “Air Bud” Woodworth (16-1)- There is no question Air Bud is simply happy to be rubbing his chi rocks and playing golf. This KWGA rookie has defied the odds and been a feisty competitor in the face of a daunting 6 handicap. Saturday will be his first taste of major championship pressure and not many rookies have done well in this event. However, his driver has started to come around in the last few weeks and will give him a punchers chance. We’ll all be running to a witch doctor if he wins Saturday!

Mike “The Fogg” White (16-1)- The Fogg is without a career win or Top 3 but nobody keeps slashing in the face of limitation quite like him. Keeping calm and controlling his ball with be paramount because with 18 strokes of cushion, one doesn’t have to make a lot of putts. However, if the cartilage starts floating in that balky knee early, call the Mounties, there may be a golfing homicide. I am cheering for you Mike!

HAPPY GILMORE, Bob Barker, Adam Sandler, 1996, (c) Universal/courtesy Everett Collection
FILM STILL

WALDO LOVES NEW MASTERS SETUP

Wednesday afternoon brought warm, sunny skies to KenWolia Lane which meant an overflow of KWGA talent came out of the woodwork for Men’s Night. The main story coming out of Wednesday’s practice round is what three days of rain has done to change the texture of The Masters track. A new, thick growth of grass has made the rough as sticky and thick as a newborn’s diaper. Finding the fairway Saturday will be paramount to finding success as well as chipping around the greens. “There is so much thick grass now that it’s almost impossible not to get grass between the ball and the club face.” said Head Greens-keeper Willie Weeks. “Some of these guys have stone hands as it is, so chipping will be even more difficult Saturday. There won’t be much roll out in the fairways either, so this course just got longer.”

KWGA Sportsnet reporter Holly Sonders made a point to talk to former president and KWGA Town Crier “Where’s Waldo-Murray” for his take on the condition of the course.

Holly: Are you going to make it Saturday morning? Tee times are sometimes elusive.

Waldo: Yes…..if Harold picks me up. Can we get to some golf questions now Holly?

Holly: “Waldo, how do you feel about the condition of the course right now? Do you think it favors someone like you who really gets the ball high in the air?

Waldo: “Holly, I guess you haven’t been watching me lately. High in the air? My ball flight looks more like a mallard duck full of buckshot. That doesn’t matter though nor does it worry me this Saturday Holly. Golf is a soliloquy of grace and power…and when that fails me…I always have my thermos to lean on. Listen, I know I am not a favorite this weekend but the new condition of the course will help me. Some of these guys depend on 75 yards of roll to get it out there. That won’t be available to them this week.”

Holly: “Most of the guys tease you a lot and make fun of your name. You must have extremely thick skin…or no conscience. Which is it?”

Waldo: “I dealt with Gaspereau Mountain kids and their steel-toe boots during my informative school years. THAT was tough. They kicked more playground sand in my face than you could imagine Holly. Every day they called me nerd and tard, so this Waldo thing is nothing. Listen, I know you can’t say those words anymore but it doesn’t bother me. It fuels my fire actually, so I am leaning toward the no conscience part of your question. Oblivion is bliss my darling.”

Holly: “What if your girlfriend calls you and needs a pack of smokes during your round? Are you going to be able to stay and play? Or will you have to leave immediately?”

Waldo: “This date has been circled for months Holly. I won’t be leaving early or getting there late. If you want to know the truth, she will be waiting for me at Giggles bar…we have a victory celebration planned.”

LOCKE-D OUT OF “FAMILY TIME”

With just two KWGA events under his belt in 2015, The Wease has much to show for his efforts this season. That’s why it is so strange nobody is talking about him as a potential favorite this week. Weasie sits 12th in the FEDEX Standings and no player garners more FEDEX points per round (19.3). This golf “awakening” has also had an effect on the home front. With a newborn toddler in the home and plenty of diapers to buy, pressure from the matriarch to produce results has never been greater, and not just in the boudoir. “She wants me to do well out on the golf course, make a name for myself…and oh ya, win some rang money because groceries ain’t cheap.” said The Weasel. “The problem is that she wants me to be asleep much earlier then I am used to and that has cut into valuable family time. We used to play chesterfield rugby every night, but since this golf awakening, all I can find in my chesterfield is loose change and lint.”

JOURNEYMAN JOHNSON TO DONATE MASTERS EARNINGS

In what came as a bit of a surprise late Wednesday evening from his condo in PEI, KWGA Congressman Gary “Biggest” Johnson proclaimed that any and all of his Masters earnings Saturday would be donated to the “Pulp Stinks…Save a Tree” Foundation. The Hantsport tree hugger has also vowed to start recycling any and all golf gear, drink his cocktails out of environmentally friendly and re-usable Styrofoam cups and dig an outhouse in his backyard. “Listen, I don’t think there is a better or higher platform to advance my cause than by winning The Masters.” said Johnson. “I know this all seems a bit incongruent but even the Grinch Who Stole Christmas made a turnaround, so why not me?” Johnson’s results on tour have been pedestrian by his lofty business standards, but stranger things have happened. “I have a 14 handicap now. That’s a nice cushion. I just need to play relaxed and think about all of those wildlife habitats I will be saving if I win.”

“OCTOBER” MUST COME EARLY

October means playoff baseball, hunting and FEDEX playoffs and no player rings those three bells quite like Harold October-Fisher. Last season, he stunned the KWGA by sharing the Deutsche Bank Championship in his finest hour. The switch to a net scoring system seemed to be taylor-made for the Aylesford native and the early results seemed a harbinger of things to come. Fisher has tantalized but not broken through in 2015 and some are pointing to the tremendous weight of being Waldo’s personal chauffeur. “I feel like I am Driving Miss Daisy if you want me to be honest.” said a frustrated Fisher. “It’s not even his vehicle and he won’t let me roll the windows down when he smokes, won’t let me stop when I need to pee nor will he stop yanking on the steering wheel when we drive by the LC. All I can do Saturday is get there on time and hope that October comes early…it’s The Masters after all.”

THE CADDY SHACK-KENWOLIA LANE

June 24, 2015

Another day of rain in The Valley meant that little could be done in the way of preparation for this Saturday, so many players were left to toss and turn one more night. However, KWGA Sportsnet reporter Holly Sonders was able to catch up with “Shooter” MacKay while going over strategy with his caddy on the periphery of the KenWo grounds. The Shooter enters The Masters this week with little fanfare and a bit of an enigma as his only appearance on Tour this season was washed out by rain. Holly filed this report.

“The Shooter” took time out with Holly Wednesday morning. “This is big. I know what’s at stake. I will use my 6 strokes to the best of my ability.”~Shooter

Holly: “Shooter, we all know about last season, three Top 3’s in all the Majors but you haven’t been playing much on the KWGA Tour this season. What should we expect from you this week?”

Shooter: “First of all, you look great Holly. You can take me away from my daily responsibilities any time you want….What was the question again?….Oh, right, my chances this week. Listen Holly, these guys think all I do all day is drink coffee, shout orders and pretend to look busy. What they don’t know is that I sneak out with Kuper-Scooper just about every night out here and get my swings in. Heck, the kid hits it straighter than I do but I know how to golf my ball. Major championships is when I shine. I don’t expect anything different this Saturday. I wear a size 40 jacket by the way…a 34 sleeve.”

Holly: “What if something comes up during the round, say like, some wedding planning, or a back shop boy misplaces a member’s clubs. Will you withdraw?

Shooter: “Holly, everything is under control. Dan and Derek are not “Mutt and Jeff”, they can handle spilled milk in the Pro Shop. All I am focused on right now is getting my game where it needs to be. Saturday will be the epitome of concentration at its highest level. By the way Holly….are those real?

Holly: “That’s not great concentration Shooter. Do you have anything else you want your fans to know before you tee it up Saturday?”

Shooter: “I am out for blood Saturday. Rangs, trophies, banners and most importantly, jackets. Where else can a guy win a great jacket outside of Augusta, Ga. Holly? Only at KenWo babe.”

PAST CHAMPION…PAST HIS PRIME?

The long and winding road sometimes finds potholes, and for one time KWGA Masters Champion Bob Maxwell-Smart, the 2015 season has found more “hole” than pavement. Perhaps no player struck fear in the souls of golfers in majors quite like Maxwell-Smart did in 2013 and 2014. Precise, calculated and calm, Maxwell-Smart has leaned on these skills to break down higher handicaps like a Nick Faldo farm-bred clone. Whispers around the KWGA have been as cruel as a kids playground and for his part Maxwell-Smart doesn’t like it. “I don’t care what Wayne and Rod say when I am not around. I can still play this game. In fact I beat Murray in a playoff to win my green jacket, so he should be the last bowler to talk.” said Maxwell-Smart. “I know what it takes to win. Yes, my 3 handicap is a major obstacle this Saturday, but I can get hot. These guys can think I don’t have anything left in the tank.They should know better. I figure 71 (-2) will give me a shot. Let’s just see where the chips fall.”

THE SHERIFF…THE HUNTED

After a lifetime of meaningless golf, one man has risen from the ashes in 2015 to make his mark on something other than a toilet bowl. The Sheriff has taken the KWGA by storm this season leading the FEDEX standings after 6 events creating a hysteria on tour not seen since Waldo-Murray made it to Medford Beach. However, many are wondering if the back woods Kentville man has what it takes to win a major championship. There is no questioning The Sheriff’s talent with the driver but will be be able to drain that critical putt down the stretch…or finally turn off his cell phone? “These guys on tour don’t realize one critical thing about me….” said The Sheriff. I don’t really give two shits whether I win or lose. It’s all about who has the most fun, telling jokes and dropping trow once in a while. I guess that’s been the secret of my success so far. I try and stay as golf loose as my trousers are.”

My word of advice for The Sheriff Saturday? Wear that wristband I saw in your car…”I love my church.”

BARITONE BARRY UNDER THE RADAR

Perhaps the KWGA’s biggest kept secret this season has been the solid play of Barry Bannister-Hennigar. Sitting 5th in the race for the FEDEX Cup, Hennigar has played a sweet baritone tune on most all of his KWGA brethren. Blessed with his “twinkle-toes” swing and tempo so slow, Hennigar proved he could bang it deep with the best of them, winning the long drive contest at Medford Beach last Saturday. The combination of power and grace has largely gone unnoticed because of his quiet demeanor, except with a guitar in his hands. “Every good band needs that glue guy, the guy who will take orders, stay quiet and play the hell out of his instrument. I think I am that guy. Saturday is my chance to step out of the background and let everyone see what I am made of. Let them hear my golf voice.” said Hennigar. “If I can get my putter working Saturday this will be my title to win. If not, I can go back to playing bass guitar and let Jagger get back in front of the band.”

Gentlemen,

Word out of Cape Breton has it that KWGA member Doug “The 4th Reich” Irwin fired his first career ace Tuesday afternoon. Not many details are known at this time but cameras caught up to The 4th Reich just seconds after his ball found the cup. Congrats Doug from the KWGA Commissioner’s Office! LIEBE GÜTE!

PLAYERS LOCKER ROOM

KENWOLIA LANE

June 23, 2015

After a day of rain Monday that washed out most practice rounds, Tuesday looks to take on a different feel as competitors should be greeted with improving conditions in their preparation. However, one competitor managed to squeeze in 18 wet holes Monday. KWGA Sportsnet reporter Holly Sonders caught up with The 4th Reich late Monday afternoon and filed this report from Kenwolia Lane.

KWGA Sportsnet reporter Holly Sonders catches up with The 4th Reich following his practice round Monday.

Holly: Hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii Doug. Holly Sonders here. It looks like you have been through hell and back! Are you feeling OK? Ready to go this week?

4th Reich: Holly, if you only knew. I played 18 holes Saturday. Played the shits by the way and had a horse-fly follow me around for 13 holes. Hurensohn, lech mich!!!! Almost drove me crazy like my last Finnish netminder. I hit 3 buckets of balls after the round and then biked 114 km to Medford Beach. Now I know your husband must impress you but if what I just said doesn’t, well, you aren’t worth the money he paid for those lady bumps you got there. To answer your question, yes I am ready to go. I am spending the next few days in Cape Breton doing some “buddy bonding” away from this crazy place. I need some time away from 1,000 emails a day, German Skype, Masters pressure and my leaky roof.

Holly: Rumour has it that you are struggling a bit right now. Do you think you can get it turned around in time for Saturday? Or even get it airborne?

4th Reich: Like I tell my players in Germany, if you can’t stand the heat, go play ground hockey. I was born to compete Holly. So what if I can’t compress a golf ball, weaken my grip or look as pretty as you do when you swing. It’s all about getting it into the hole. If I can’t get it together on my Cape Breton trip this week then I will petition the KWGA to have mid-swing body checking instituted to give me a chance. I may be small but they didn’t call me Thumper in Junior Hockey because I was good with the ladies.

Holly: Just before you go 4th Reich, can I get a prediction for  this Saturday? Anything we should keep an eye on?

4th Reich: Yes Holly, if you wouldn’t mind asking one of the boys to cut my grass and fix the crooked frame on my bike while I am away, that would great. The world was a bit tilted on my ride out to Medford. I don’t want to have another accident and have my wife take my bike away from me.

SHARKS ENTRY SPIKES TICKET SALES

It’s been 6 long weeks since Mark “The Shark” has played an official event on the KWGA after rain washed out play in The Other Blossom tournament, and KWGA fan attendance has suffered as a result. No KWGA Pro wows the female throng quite like The Shark and a 73% spike in ticket sales once he entered The Masters can only be attributed on one man. So the Shark has decided to give back to his fans by raffling off his trouser under-wrap to a lucky lady following his round Saturday. “I just thought it was the right thing do to. The fans make me who I am, and without them, I wouldn’t be as rich and have the opportunities I do. Plus Bobby T. taught me a trick years ago. Baby wipes. No matter how hot and sweaty it may be out there Saturday, the ladies won’t have to worry about random tire tracks or blotches. Plus they have these new scented wipes that can actually enhance that manliness.”

Gavin enters the 2015 Masters as an enigma with only a 6th and 15 place finish this season. However, not a more popular win it would be if The Shark could pull it off Saturday.

KENWO READIES FOR POSSIBLE PLAYOFF

After weeks of secrecy and heated discussion, the Masters in 2015 is proud to announce that the practice par 3 (substitute Hole #8) will be used to break any ties for the green jacket. Asked for comment Monday night from his perch in front of the Blue Jays vs Tampa Rays baseball game on TV, Commissioner Ford explained. “We just cannot have a tie in a major championship. It goes against all sports theory and common sense.” said Ford. “We couldn’t have a chipping or putting contest to decide a green jacket. We are all grown men most days and have to settle things in that fashion. I’d like to thank the KenWo brass for agreeing to this option. I think it adds to the drama before we all even tee off.” Commissioner Ford went on to explain that since it is only a 105 yard hole, no handicap strokes will be involved in a possible playoff. “I am actually hoping we have a tie if I am honest. I want to see some of these guys who are used to having a gun in their hands trying to filet a pitching wedge with all that pressure. I can’t think of better theater.”

Please be prepared to stay a few minutes longer this Saturday in case Jim Mora needs you! Thanks.

2014 KWGA MASTERS- FINAL SCOREBOARD

June 28, 2014.

1. Gerry Elliott 69

2. Derek Thomson 73

3. Rene MacKay 74

T4. Wayne Burke 77

T4. Bob Maxwell 77

T4. Jeff Legge 77

7. Barry Hennigar 78

8. Mark Gavin 80

9. Arnie Kelley 81

10. Rod Murray 82

11. Douglas Irwin 83

12. Don Bryson 85

13. John Amirault 88

T14. Gary Johnson 89

T14. Brent Locke 89

16. Harold Fisher 91

BUTLER CABIN- KENWOLIA LANE

June 22, 2015

The season’s first Major is upon us and the anticipation has already reached a fever pitch. This week Gerry “Double-Double” Elliott is back to defend his green jacket as well as former champion Bob Maxwell-Smart. FEDEX points leader Sheriff John also highlights a star-studded field that will no doubt give the patrons their monies worth and more. So many story-lines are already developing gentlemen, so let’s get right to Monday’s top stories.

TELLY-KELLEY BACK ON HIS FEET

KWGA veteran Arnie Telly-Kelley’s balky back has everyone wondering if the KWGA’s favorite son will be a “go” this week. Telly-Kelley has missed the last 2 KWGA events after straining his right upper solar plexus in a golf cart mishap during the Big Brother’s Pro-Am. Two weeks of sofa therapy and a trip to Margarita-ville this past Saturday in Medford seem to have helped sooth the pain but just what will he have in the tank come Saturday is anyone’s guess. Pressure from his sponsors and the allure of his first major championship will make sitting out this Saturday almost impossible. “I can’t promise anyone a rose garden or if I can play…but if I can don’t count me out.” said Telly-Kelley at his Monday morning press conference. “I know how to grind and get around KenWo better than most people think. I just hope I don’t have to pop 5 Robaxacet to get ready to play. That stuff makes me dizzy like Jason Day.”

IS THE HUNCHBACK FOR REAL?

Nobody could have predicted the fast start and stellar play of this “Foulmouth” dweller heading into the 2015 season. After a dismal 2014 season The Hunchback was forced to re-qualify for his KWGA card at Q-School in the off-season and the hard work seems to have paid off. No golfer is as hot as Hunchback this week after winning The Medford Mile on Saturday and that bodes well for his chances this Saturday. However, some are questioning whether a full night of gallivanting the streets of Medford at all hours of the night is the proper preparation for a Major championship. “We all have our own quirks and prepare in our own ways. Nobody told John Daly that he should work out and lose weight when he was winning majors, so why should I have to listen to this nonsense?” said a furious Hunchback Monday morning. “I have a supportive wife and boyfriend and those people are the ones I listen to. Background noise is cheap…major championships are forever. Every man is allowed to dream and this Saturday is my dream.”

DOUBLE-DOUBLE BOGEY TROUBLE

Perhaps no KWGA player has as much on his shoulders this week as Double-Double. After dominating the KWGA Tour last season by winning every trophy possible, Double-Double has yet to win on tour in 2015, including last week’s debacle in the Medford Mile. Some have pointed to an equipment change while others blame it on simple math (25 droolers + high handicaps= Shoot under par Gerry, or else you can’t win). However, not all is doom and gloom as the Bog Road Bomber still sits tied for 2nd in the FEDEX standings entering The Masters. The pressure will be immense come Saturday but it’s all in a day’s work for Double-Double. “I have stared down the likes of Gordie Smith and you ask me if I am frightened by guys named The Fogg and 4th Reich?” said Double-Double Monday morning. “That’s ridiculous. I had a bad round last week and it is what it is. People can write me off this week but I know better. The last time I checked they don’t hand out green jackets on Mondays.”

CORDUROY COWBOY-KENNY TURNS PRO

The off-season was unkind to Johnny “The Corduroy Cowboy” Kenny as the Wolfville planter struggled with a loose ball bearing in his hip that could require surgery. Kenny’s status throughout the winter was in doubt but after a stellar 79 in his qualifying round at The Medford Mile, the Cowboy has decided to turn pro at The Masters. Kenny has just the kind of “I don’t care…just happy to be here” mentality that could prove dangerous this week and Vagas agrees. Kenny has been listed at 7-1 this week and nobody could be happier to simply be playing golf. “This really is a chance of a lifetime for me. Apples and plums don’t give me the same excitement as tournament golf.” said The Cowboy. I know guys will be watching me and wondering but I am not concerned about that. My only concern is getting the KWGA on “farmer’s tee times” around 5am so that I don’t have to wait around 4 hours to play. I’m excited to be here this week.”

Stay tuned tomorrow as we take a look at some other competitors and other tidbits to get you ready for the 2015 KWGA Masters.

After two heartbreaking collapses and runner-up finishes this season, the KWGA’s version of The Hunchback used his own event, The Medford Mile, to get his first career victory in what could possibly be the most popular win in KWGA history. Faced with a “must” par on #18, Newcombe used his steely nerve and $2000 Titleist shot-making ability to eclipse John “The Moon” by one stroke. The duo battled head-to-head all afternoon with the lead switching hands for good on #14 where “The Moon” tripped on his loose fitting trousers for a double-bogey seven while Newcombe’s solid par catapulted him to the cat-bird’s seat. “This is more relief than elation.” said The Hunchback. “It’s been a lot of years of struggling and grinding, so finding the winner’s circle on the KWGA Tour is a dream come true. Plus 4 1/2 hours is a long time to spend with someone whose pants don’t fit quite right.” Newcombe’s win was his third Top 3 finish in just 4 KWGA events this season which vaulted him into 4th place in the FEDEX Cup Standings.

For The Sheriff, it was another super-solid result for a man who nobody had any expectations for heading into the 2015 campaign. His jokes may be ribald, but nobody is laughing anymore at Yarmouth’s favorite illegitimate son. “It’s a tough pill to swallow right now. I figured my pars on #17 and #18 would be good enough to make The Hunchback collapse down the stretch like my old stained mattress in my tree fort.” said “The Moon.” I hope the fellas could see the stars at night in Medford as clear as The Commissioner could see mine Saturday morning.”

The Moon prepares for next Saturday’s KWGA Masters.

Saturday also saw the emergence of Scott “Air Bud” Woodworth who shot out of a cannon early with a +1 start through his first 5 holes. Air Bud followed that up with an even par Orchard and a birdie at #17 to finally make his mark on a KWGA leaderboard finishing in a tie for 3rd. A slow start this season had many questioning his ability AND Scientology but Air Bud seems to have put that to rest. “I have worked hard on my game through my KWGA struggles and it looks like I am showing signs of life. I was getting tired of rubbing those “chi rocks” together anyway. There is only so much science and the stars can do for you, you just have to get it done on the course in the end.”

MEDFORD BEACH

First, I don’t know if you could find a prettier view than from the lawn at Kevin’s Cottage. Having something like that passed down through generations is priceless. However, there ARE things that can be “passed” that are measurable. Things like… how many people show up. How many wings one person can eat. How much rang money is collected…and well…how many grown men need to have a bowel movements at 3pm even though there is no plumbing. Now I don’t know about anyone else, but I have myself on a set schedule. It’s convenient, comfortable and practical on so many levels. Bowel humour is funny until someone walks in on a toilet and is greeted with a Snickers bar, so please, next year, do one of two things. (a) Have some quiet time at KenWo’s facilities before leaving for Medford. They are equipped to deal with grown men and their cramps or (b) take a walk into the neighboring fields that require fertilizer and dig a hole.

Ten things I learned at Medford Beach.

1. Some people who normally don’t talk much…talk a lot when they are drinking.

2. Who has slept with the oldest woman (No it isn’t you Wayne, trust me).

3. Who has pending criminal charges for vandalism.

4. BBQ tastes better in the wilderness.

5. Some people think better and clearer with their eyes closed.

6. Harold is no longer Rod’s “pretend friend”.

7. Our group has no shame. I haven’t seen that much pink and white skin since my last visit to Tootsie’s Cabaret in Miami.

8. Someone wants to pierce his nipples. (gross)

9. Wayne cheats at washer toss. (I counted 7 times you were over the line when you threw your washer.)

and last but not least….

10. I still want to go back every summer…even with all of you miscreants!

RANG REPORT

Ninety ($90) in total was collected at Medford Beach. There were seven (7) rangs won. That works out to $12.85 per rang. I rounded DOWN to $12.50 (because I am not going to the corner store to get nickels and dimes) and put the excess .35 per rang in the KWGA Kitty ($2.45). I have put the money in envelopes and will give it to you when I see you at your next KWGA appearance.

Johnny Kenny (#5, #16)- $25.00

Kevin Poirier (#1)- $12.50

John Amirault (#4)- $12.50

Rod Murray (#8)- $12.50

Wayne Burke (#14)- $12.50

Scott Woodworth (#17)- $12.50

NEWS, NOTES & QUOTES

-“Telley won’t be here, he is probably home pulling….” ~The Hunchback uttered his comment following a 3pm telephone call to Telley’s house that went unanswered.

-“I guess Wayne won’t be doing his Monkey Dance tonight (enter sad face here). He can’t stay overnight because he found a better group of golf buddies for a PEI trip early tomorrow.” ~The Commissioner

-Next week is the KWGA Masters. A lot has been planned so please sign-up early and prepare to stay later in case you are in a PLAYOFF!

-A BIG thank-you to the KWGA brethren for the golf shoes again! I don’t do this for the shoes fellas…this is a labour of love.

-Lastly, a BIG thank-you to Kevin for hosting this awesome event again. I circle that date on my calendar every year…I can hardly wait to go back again!

See you next week fellas…and HAPPY FATHERS DAY to all the dads in our association (Man-o-man, we must have some messed up kids in our community!)

-The Commissioner

Commissioner Derek Ford battled the cool north wind, friends and foes Sunday morning to capture the 2015 Munich Oktoberfest Open.

Es ist ein Jesus! Two weeks after an embarrassing Avon Valley meltdown and a double bogey, bogey, bogey start to his first 3 holes Sunday morning, Commissioner Ford summoned his “inner chi” and a ham&cheese sandwich to win the Munich Oktoberfest Open with a net 68. The Commissioner held off a rejuvenated and pesky Hunchback Newcombe who started the Back 9 just 2 over par through his first 5 holes but bogeyed his final 4 holes to let another title slip through his hands. The Commissioner birdied #14 and drained a 27 foot putt for par on #16 that catapulted him to the 17th tee sending the gallery into hysterics. “That was a lot of fun out there today.” said The Commissioner. “It took everything I had in me to block out The Sheriff’s barbs and threats of giving me the shanks and telling me disturbing things about his upbringing, so It feels good to get a win again, but this FEDEX Cup is a long and winding road. There is much more work to be done.”

Sunday also saw the re-emergence of Where’s Waldo-Murray whose net 70 was good for a solo 3rd and a quick exit from the KenWo grounds to get to Giggles Bar in time for “two for one” drinks and free bowling shoes. Waldo-Murray’s rock solid Front Nine 37 included nary a birdie but plenty of praise from his playing partners. “You can tell Waldo is getting into peek form for The Masters.” said Grampy Burke. “He accomplished several goals in the last week…getting an event rained out (The Other Blossom) so that he wouldn’t lose ground in the FEDEX Standings and raising his handicap to a delicious 7 just in time for KenWolia Lane. I haven’t seen scheming like that since he managed to get squatters rights at Harold’s cottage apartment last year.”

Telley-Kelley acknowledges the KWGA fans following the end of his historic streak.

However, as cool as the north breeze was all day, the day was marred by the end of a streak and the collapse of the tournament sponsor The 4th Reich. Arnie Telley-Kelley’s consecutive weekend event streak ended at 2,131 straight Sunday morning as the New Minas habitant was forced to watch The Golf Channel while nursing a sore right solar plexus. Telley-Kelley’s absence means Commissioner Ford now holds the current streak at 24 events. For The 4th Reich, Sunday’s event marked his second straight 11th place finish and 3rd straight for his trademark “Fixe mal” tirade following a less than stellar series of chips on hole #13. Much was expected of Irwin after coming so close to winning his own tournament last season. “It just felt different out here today without my buddy.” said Commissioner Ford. “It had a funeral-like atmosphere. You know, kinda like if you hypothetically total your Mercedes while on vacation in PEI. Let’s just say it was a bad weekend for Germany all around….a Mercedes AND an Irwin down for the count.

EDITORIAL

Golf is a grand game with as many twists and turns as Penthouse Letters. Some good, some not so good. The pursuit of that course record, or for most KWGA members, breaking 85, is one that both excites and tortures but keeps us coming back for more. Maybe some, many, all of you wonder just what the hell you wake up at 6am for every Saturday to do such a thing. Lacking talent, heart, concentration and luck it’s an uphill struggle that you will surely never win. Like my bet with The 4th Reich. You may try, try and try some more but you will never par those final 3 holes in a row at our course called KenWo. I watch you all from afar, leaning, talking to your ball and even bemoaning your bad luck. I listen and nod in a comforting fashion as your balls sail short, long, thin and fat. So scream and hiss all you want because…(I love you guys)

NEWS, NOTES & QUOTES

-“That’s great KIRK. Sounds like you are getting in peek form for The Masters. You know, I was just thinking. If our families mixed in some way, your name could be Kirk Burke-Poirier. Hey…that rhymes!” ~Grampy Wayne couldn’t seem to summoned the right name for KWGA rookie KEVIN Poirier before play Sunday morning.

-Sunday’s round also marked a mathematical oddity. Kevin “Mr. Wildcat” Poirier shot his fourth consecutive KWGA round of 80.

-The Hunchback’s runner-up finish Sunday marked his second of the season, both by one stroke. Newcombe now has a staggering 48.5 FEDEX points in just 3 KWGA events.

-Jeff Legge also set a record Sunday morning. The Munich Oktoberfest Open marked the 17th straight KWGA event he played while hung over. “There were 2 bachelorette parties at The Anvil last night. What was I supposed to do? Leave early? It’s Oktoberfest after all!”

-Next Saturday June 20 is a SHOTGUN START for The Medford Mile.

-Please do not hesitate to contact me if you have any questions about next Saturday’s itinerary for Medford Beach. It should be a rip-roarin’ time…so start planning boys!

See you next Saturday!

~The Commissioner

The Sheriff shakes hands with his caddy following Sunday’s Munich Oktoberfest Open.

After a 3 season drought, the waiting is over for our beloved Grampy. Burke fired a 3 over par 74 at Saturday’s Avon Lea Open for his first career KWGA title. “It feels good to finally be a winner, Jack!. This golf thing is pretty simple after all. Just hit it and run after it.”

Don’t look now but a runaway KWGA senior is on the loose. After a slow start to the 2015 season, Grampy Burke laid down his version of “Geriatric Justice” Saturday morning at Avon Valley GC with a stunning 74, dusting a field unfamiliar with the turtle-back greens, lack of hospitality cart, drinking water or needed EMT personnel en route to a 3 stroke victory. Burke’s round began with a bogie at #1, birdie at #2 and then a stretch where the Windsor Spitfire parred 11 of 12 holes in the middle of his round. The rock solid play made the jobs of Mr. October-Fisher, Double-Double, Fonda-Thomson and the golf star formerly known as KKK almost impossible. “I know I whine a lot about playing this course but I don’t think having an event at Avon Valley could have come at a better time for me personally.” said Grampy. “Picking up 25 FEDEX points and a wild purple orchid isn’t such a bad day…considering all my tournament winnings grew wings and flew away after the round.” said Grampy. “It feels good to finally get a win though. I’d say I am back in the running for the FEDEX playoffs now, don’t you?”

Saturday also saw the continued solid play of Mr. October-Fisher whose 2nd place finish vaulted him from 8th to 3rd in the FEDEX standings. His birdie at #1 got his round rolling and the Aylesfloridian only managed to drop the hammer on his own thumb once all day with a triple bogey 6 on the 11th hole. “It really doesn’t matter what course I play, my ball flight is made for any course and any terrain. It has to be, I have no choice.” said October-Fisher. “Whenever I feel things slipping on the golf course I just start thinking about sexting and any golf anxiety just fades away. It’s a great way to just let go.” Double-Double’s solid 3rd place finish took him to top spot in the FEDEX standing while Mr. Wildcat slipped into the 8th spot with yet another final round total of 80.

“You mean we have to go back out there?” -The Thomson, Thomson, Johnson Brothers

After what seemed like an eternal Front 9, the foursome of Kelley and the Thomson, Thomson and Johnson Brothers had to be forcibly dragged from the clubhouse to the 10th tee Saturday afternoon in a scene straight out of Slap Shot. The group tallied 190 strokes for the first 9 holes and resembled the Charleston Chiefs after yet another bench-clearing brawl. In fact, Fonda-Thomson and Telly-Kelley both were forced to take Standing 8 Counts while dry heaving on the Back 9. “I looked up and around for help to see if the Dept. of Lands and Forests had a chopper in the sky.” said Commissioner Ford. “I did think I heard one at one point. They must have been out looking for Waldo-Murray. It felt like we were out there all alone though. I never again want to have to choose between giving my brother or Telly-Kelley mouth-to-mouth resuscitation…and you wonder why I shot 91?”

Waldo-Murray waves “goodbye” to his friends and “hello” to Apple Blossom festivities Saturday morning.

KWGA Infomercial

Have you ever felt broken, depressed or just plain empty about the game of golf? Are you twitching or talking involuntarily in your sleep? Maybe you just shot your worst round in 10 years, or maybe you just got knocked out of your hockey playoffs in Germany. Well stop worrying and spending the next 37 nights pounding balls on the range…or watching the video of that final playoff loss for the 28th time. I know it’s frustrating and I know you just wanna kick the snot out of the neighbour’s dog…or even one of your golfing buddies who turns up missing. Some doctors would probably prescribe medications and some witch doctors may ask you to sacrifice that neighbour’s dog. Guys, the fix is easier than you think. Never resort to violence and certainly don’t get hooked on prescription medications because of a bad golf score…all you need is the internet.

In a recent poll, 17 out of 26 KWGA members said that “escaping” on the internet after a bad round is the best way to deal with golf anger, depression and anxiety…or a wicked slice. ~Men’s Golf Health Magazine

News, Notes & Quotes

-Our condolences go out to Nick Carey and his family for their loss this past week. We look forward to seeing you with us on the links once again very soon. ~Commissioner Ford.

–Moment of the Week– Congrats to Mr. Wildcat on this season’s first “shank par”. There aren’t many golfers who can recover after shanking a golf ball on a hole, but that’ just what Kevin did. The Commissioner forgets what hole it was on…but does it matter? “The surprising part was just how proud he was of his accomplishment.” said Commissioner Ford.

–Quote of the Week– “Holy fack bud. Is that a sweat stain or did you just get hit by an elephant’s embryonic sac?”~Anonymous…It was 88 degrees after all.

-Thanks again to Kevin for his “breakfast” and Wayne and his wife for hosting us after the Avon Lea Open. Your homes and all their amenities were just what was needed for a group of golfers who struggled mightily in the wind and heat that was Saturday in Windsor. Especially the pool! The Commissioner is proud to say he was the first, and only, KWGA member to take the plunge into the 66 degree water. “You better vacuum the bottom of your pool Wayne. That water felt REALLY good when I jumped in.”

-Next week we are back at KenWo for The Other Blossom Invitational. Make sure you sign up on the website…and remember…we need volunteers…because if we don’t have tee times…we ain’t got nuffin’.

See you next week!

~The Commissioner

Burke, Elliott Look to Storm “The Lea”.

With the 2015 KWGA season in full swing it’s time to turn our attention to this week’s event, the Avon Lea Open. This event marks the only KWGA event away from the friendly confines of KenWo and that means one thing…survival. Four of the Top 8 in the FEDEX Standings will not be teeing it up this week, so that means the standings will be even tighter after Saturday. Two players in the field this week have intimate knowledge of Avon Valley and big things are expected from Grampy and Doube-Double. The duo have spent many a season dealing with the micro-dot greens and their nuances and should be considered favorites. Grampy has shown signs of coming to life with a 73 in last Wednesday’s Men’s night and 2 more rangs this Wednesday. Double-Double is coming off a 68 last week in ice cold conditions and should be fired up to host this week’s tournament.

However, that doesn’t mean this week’s event is a lock. Many pundits are looking to “Where’s Waldo” as a possible sleeper. Armed with a shiny new 7 handicap and finally a golf pulse, Waldo could surprise this week. Trending in the right direction after two 11th place finishes to start 2015, Waldo finished 7th in last week’s Skoal Bandits Shootout. “People have started to doubt me and that is fine. They did that last season and I won The Heritage with a league record 67. I know Avon Valley better than people realize. I used to come to Windsor with Breeze and Brownie years ago to shoot pool and learn the ropes of professional cocktailing just down the road from the course. I think that should qualify” said Waldo.

WILL THE 4TH REICH FIND REDEMPTION…OR IS IT BACK TO GOBBLING BRATWURST?

The other big story this week is The 4th Reich. After a horrendous struggle with the Par 5 second hole in 2014, Irwin has promised a better result in 2015. The German sensation took a bloody and messy 8 that caused a barrage of Schnitzel profanity never before seen in the KWGA…scattering the gallery and his playing partners that day. With wind gusts up to 20 KM/hour forecast for Saturday, Irwin better hope that Hole #2 is playing downwind. “I heard people laughing last year when they saw my score. It’s not funny. Everyone can take a snowman once in a while. I look at this as a challenge, like going into a German restaurant and ordering sausage without sounding strange. I guarantee a par this year…or I eat raw bratwurst at Wayne’s house.” said Irwin.

Fonda-Thomson is nervous but ready for his 2015 debut. “These guys are trying to get me drunk before I even tee off??? Jeebers Creebers!”

Also making news this week is Tom Fonda-Thomson who will be making his 2015 debut Saturday. The On Golden Pond star has not lifted a club since his March trip to the Florida Gulf Coast and the self-deprecation started with his reluctant entry form. The curly-haired wonder boy is eschewing attending to his multitude of real estate and a nervous tick to enter the fray this week. “I started stuttering to myself in my sleep last night when I heard about Bailey’s Breakfast.” said Fonda-Thomson. “It reminds me of so many good yet horrible memories of my early drinking days. Being around The Hunchback again will no doubt increase those urges again, so it kinda scares me. I hope I can break 90 after that kinda breakfast!” However, the gallery will be happy no matter his score if he dons his signature Peter Fonda chapeau.

Finally, the week is a golden opportunity for The Hunchback, Telly-Kelley and Mr. Wildcat Poirier to creep into the Top 8 in the FEDEX Standings with some of the Top 8 not playing this week. Poirier has been wracked this season by a 6 handicap that clings to him like a cinder block tied to a swimmer. “The Commissioner made me use my 1985 handicap until I played 5 rounds on tour.” said Mr. Wildcat (formerly known as KKK…kinda like that symbol for the rock star Prince.). “It’s been a struggle to regain form from 20 years ago, but I won’t give up, just like our championship in 1985…sit down, let me tell you a story….”

“My handicap stinks right now…but I will never give up…just like in 1985.” ~Mr. Wildcat Poirier

Remember, Kevin N. is hosting Bailey’s Breakfast at 8:30 in Falmouth, the first tee time is 9:45 at Avon Valley and gathering at Wayne’s after…and a quick reminder…WAYNE’S IS A NO SPEEDO ZONE. Thank-you for your cooperation. See you all Saturday!

We do have a few “bears” in the KWGA after all!

~The Commissioner

What do you get when a Shih-Tzu and a Doberman start playing “sniffing in circles?” I know, I didn’t want to think about that either but the golf universe is forced to now that the epic battle of Locke vs Elliott has seen it’s first installment in what surely will be many more this KWGA season. The Weasel entered Saturday armed with his first career Top 3 finish just two weeks earlier at the Flower Cart Classic, and after taking a week off tour to set up his “boy-bonding” cabin deep in the New Brunswick forest, stormed out of the gates Saturday with his brand of bogey golf and 18 handicap that strikes fear in the hearts of every single-digit opponent. Double-Double countered with his brand of “Scooby Snack” pars, 8 in all on the Front Nine for a tidy 36 that kept him in the hunt. However, it was his outburst of birdie pelts on the Back Nine that started the gallery roars. Consecutive birdies at holes #12, 13, 14 and 15 had some thinking a 29 could be in order. Battling deteriorating conditions that had the shit barometer wagging uncontrollably, Double-Double completed his Back Nine with his own brand of doggie justice with super pars on 16, 17 and 18, including one from the weeds high above the green on the final hole. The “Dandelion Miracle” gave Elliott a share of the Skoal Bandits title and a grand defense of the championship he won last season.

“Any time you can defend something you have to be happy.” said Double-Double. “These guys are coming at me now, week after week, with a look in their eyes I haven’t seen since my own dog entered his first mating season. You have to give credit to Weasie, he hung in there when he isn’t exactly armed with a lot of golf weapons. I am happy to share the title this week with him. Let’s just hope we never see the true results of a Shih Tzu and Doberman.”

For Weasie, the second straight Top 3 result vaulted him into a tie for 5th in the FEDEX Cup standings with 38.5 points. Locke finished 2014 with just one (1) point in 3 starts, so the beginning to 2015 can only mean one thing…less hunting? “Let’s not go jumping off any bridges.” said Weasie. “I feel much better with a rifle in my hands compared to a golf club, but this feels pretty good. Being able to compete with a Doberman like Double-Double is not something I ever bothered dreaming about before today. I mean, only in the KWGA right? I just hope I get another crack at him this season. Dog Treat Heaven I say.”

Saturday also saw the continued strong play from The Sheriff whose 3rd place finish kept him atop the FEDEX leadersboard with 52.5 points. Many pundits were predicting the beginning of the end for the best fake cop this side of Jim Lahey after his handicap fell from 13 to 11 entering the Skoal Bandits Shootout. However, like his cat-walk off-spring, The Sheriff pranced and preened his way to a tidy 82 (+1) that has left the KWGA world scratching their heads. “People don’t know me and how hard I prepare week in and week out.” said The Sheriff. “When you wear a badge you have to know how to think like a criminal, carry a big stick and be willing to use your gun once in a while just to keep people honest. Take THAT KWGA I say.”

The Universal, and PG rated way of saying “Take That!!”.

However, the days story could not end without mention of the 2015 debut of Bob “BIP” Trainor, whose 3 pars marked the first in a competitive round since the 1993 Club Championship. “BIP” also took home the stupidest wardrobe award with his choice of short skirt on a 2 degree day with a smattering of ice pellet rain that had many wondering if he had had a testicular lobotomy over the winter. “Guys can say what they want about my golf game and wardrobe choice.” said BIP. “I bet none of them ever lined up on a frozen grid iron with 250 lb men trying to tear their eyes out in -10 temperatures. So this playing golf thing in shorts is not exactly that difficult. Being a Eunuch (google it) isn’t that bad either.”

News, Notes & Quotes

-“I have some issues going on right now.” ~Scott Woodworth   The comment came after Woodworth found the trees lining one of 18 fairways Saturday morning.

-Saturday’s Skoal Bandits Shootout became the coldest round on record since last season’s Avon Lea Open. It even hailed in Truro after speaking with some.

-Next Saturday the KWGA hits the road to Avon Valley GC in Windsor. We have 13 golfers signed up thus we will require 4 tee times. I would suggest that you give me as much time as possible if you are withdrawing this week so that we can cancel any extra tee times. We want to be fair to Avon Valley. Hopefully this won’t happen. A “BYOB” social gathering is happening at Wayne’s following the round. We will be BBQ some hamburgers and hot dogs. If you need directions to Wayne’s please email him as I am not the best finding his house (I always seem to be travelling there when its pitch dark out!). You are welcome to come to Wayne’s even if you cannot play golf. I will post the tournament draw on the website (Avon Lea Open tab) early Friday morning. This is a regular KWGA event with FEDEX points and rangs up for grabs!

To say the sun shines on every dog’s arse would not do justice to what happened at KenWo GC Saturday morning as KWGA outcast John “The Sheriff” Amirault laid waste to the field, clawing his way to his first career victory with a stunning 78 (-5). The Sheriff shot out of the gates like diarrhea after a bucket of the Colonel’s Finest. finessing the first 6 holes in just one over par. The outburst included a “Birdie from Jesus” on Hole #3 and subsequent “Joke from Hell” on the 4th tee box. The Sheriff then rattled off 5 straight pars starting on Hole #11 giving him a lead only a Yarmouth dock-hand could piss away. “Today feels like vindication on so many levels. I have been belittled, brow-beaten and generally treated like a crazy aunt locked in the basement.” said The Sheriff. “So to win a tournament with the word CRAZY in its title is sweet irony. I can’t tell you how many bottles of the Captains nectar I tossed back behind delapitated houses and dockyards in my youth in Yarmouth. This is golfing heaven.”

The day was not without drama as Barry Bannister-Hennigar and Gerry Double-Double Elliott waged  their own personal “sword fight” for second place. Double-Double, invigorated by his new weapon, a 2 handicap, found 15 of the first 16 greens in regulation and ho-hummed his way to a 71 (-1). His card registered nary a birdie forcing Double-Double to use his Irving credit card for gas for his long trek back to Windsor for the first time in 37 KWGA Saturdays. For Bannister-Hennigar, his day was spearheaded by a solid overall approach which meant avoiding playing partner “The Donald’s” incessant screams of “Oh Donald!.” and Commissioner Ford’s Sphincter Trumpet. “It was a tough day out there for me personally.” said Bannister-Hennigar. “My group certainly has its quirks and managing those kinds of surroundings takes the patience of Job. I was expecting the most trouble from “Waldo” but I think he left his voice on the veranda Friday night. I am happy with the start to my season. I wasn’t expecting this right out of the gates. Let’s just hope my wife doesn’t see this website…lest she shut me down for the rest of the season.”

Saturday’s fireworks included 6 birdies in the Thomson (3), Murray (2), Hennigar (1), Bryson (0) foursome including The Commissioner’s back-to-back jobs at Holes #6 and #7. Ole Man River Arnie Telley-Kelley also electrified the gallery with 2 birdies on the day, which included a 7 iron to two feet on the 18th that netted him “Play of the Day.” All told, 10 birdies and 9 rangs were had on the day. “I think it shows just how competitive and skilled our roster is.” said Commissioner Ford. “I think it’s obvious that everyone knew they couldn’t just ease into the season. You can tell many hours have been spent over the winter honing games…and not resorting to David Pelz putting gimmicks. Some calm conditions and a rapidly improving landscape also play a part…I mean, can you see The Sheriff winning in a wind blowing harder than a dog fart? Exactly.

“What’s Wrong With Grampy?”

Saturday also saw another sub-par round from the KWGA’s Grand Pappy, a head-scratching 83 (+8) that has many in the KWGA whispering that maybe the game has passed him by? The Saturday Stinker plummeted Grampy to a distant 16th in the FEDEX Cup Standings with just 7 points. The obvious theory is his new state of the art putting stroke, chiseled from the fossils of dead golfers. However, others point to a rift in his “Three’s Company” relationship outside the course. The late withdrawal this week of KWGA Chum-buddy The Hunchback fueled even more speculation. The rumours forced Grampy to finally address the media via conference call from his UIS Rolling Stabbin’ Cabin. “Listen, you can say what you want. Golf is a difficult game and right now I am having more problems than putting. There is no rift. Everything is fine…I know it may seem awkward to the outside eye….but it’s nothing 2 engagement rings can’t fix OK?”

Rookie Update

Nick Waszczuk-Carey– In a KWGA first, Nick Waszczuk-Carey became the first member ever to go from 1st to last in consecutive weeks. After a scintillating 89 (-1) at The Flower Cart Classic in the opener, the Marlin Man did his best Michael Jackson impersonation “Beating It” around Saturday to the tune of 98 whacks (+9). “I think it was my outfit today. It was a bit loud and maybe a bit snug on the inseam. I figured if it worked for Rickie Fowler it would work for me.” said Waszczuk-Carey. “Next Saturday I may wear a bed sheet for comfort.”

Scott “Air Bud” Woodworth– Another nature lover, Air Bud has gotten off to a slow start on the KWGA Tour, finally getting on the board Saturday with 4.5 points. The avid canoeist is slowly acclimating to a new style of play, battling some personal golf demons and last but not least, realizing why “Different is Normal” is emblazoned on the KWGA logo. “I knew there were some weirdos in the KWGA but this is ridiculous.” said Air Bud. “But they don’t hand out freebies to shoppers at WalMart and FEDEX Cups aren’t handed out in May the last time I checked. There is still plenty of golf left.”

Kevin “Mr. Wildcat” Poirier– Perhaps no rookie has ever entered the KWGA with as much experience on the soil that is KenWo. However, after several years away and littering aplenty, Poirier has had a tepid start to the season currently sitting in 14th place with 11.5 points in the race for the FEDEX Cup. “I know this sounds crazy, but I think it’s time I secured a residence in The Valley again. You know, just a place I can crash so that I can hit 300 balls a day. I was going to ask about JB’s asbestos trap at the end of the driving range, alas, they tore it down on me.”

KWGA Tip of the Week

The weather has started to turn warm and that means the inevitable gentlemen…moisture. The question this week is, just how do you deal with that most uncomfortable job of disposing of post-round undergarments? After all, the quickest way to get our league shut down is if the wives/girlfriends/boyfriends are not happy. And just how do we avoid that? By taking care of those undergarments ourselves. No more leaving them on the washroom floor, kicking them at the hamper or God forbid handling them. No fellas, the answer is simple…TONGS. Yes, that’s right boys, not thongs…but TONGS. Placing that beloved BBQ tool in some Javex bleech before you leave for the course can save you a tremendous headache. For an even better experience, Dry Ice gives you the option or pre-cleaning even before those trouser dagos hit the spin cycle.

News, Notes & Quotes

–“Road Trip Weekend”– From the response after Saturday’s round, most liked half of Wayne’s suggestion for our KWGA Road Trip on Saturday May 30. That being, gathering at Wayne’s house following the round. However, I gathered that Minas View Links in Walton wasn’t a hit. Last year we went to Avon Valley. I will post a poll on the website this week and everyone can chime in. Keep in mind it would be better if we played at a course near Windsor so we don’t have a long drive following the round.

-Kudos to The Shark and Fogg this week for making their 8:09am tee time when all seemed bleak. The duo took home the “Jeff Legge” Late Night Libation Award this week in a landslide as they stayed up late to watch the Golden State Warriors defeat the Memphis Grizzlies game on TV while in Halifax….OK, I’m lying….what was it fellas, a Brewery Tour or a George Michael concert at the Halifax Forum?

-“Hey Doug, are ya layin’ up? (Enter laughing and snickering here)” ~Rod Murray….Murray’s dig at Irwin came as the two groups criss-crossed the 16th and 17th holes Saturday afternoon. Faced with a daunting 30 foot cut shot from 242 yards away from the right rough, Irwin fearlessly reached for his trusty 3 wood and hit a thunderous 30 foot cut around the right tree line into the gully fronting the 16th green. Irwin’s forceful and steady gait following the shot reminded us all that The 4th Reich isn’t to be messed with…or he had to pee really badly and just wanted to find a quiet spot in the woods.

That’s it for this week fellas. Remember to sign up early for next Saturday’s Skoal Bandits Shootout…and VOLUNTEER TO BOOK A TEE TIME…we need all the help we can get.

~The Commissioner