To say the sun shines on every dog’s arse would not do justice to what happened at KenWo GC Saturday morning as KWGA outcast John “The Sheriff” Amirault laid waste to the field, clawing his way to his first career victory with a stunning 78 (-5). The Sheriff shot out of the gates like diarrhea after a bucket of the Colonel’s Finest. finessing the first 6 holes in just one over par. The outburst included a “Birdie from Jesus” on Hole #3 and subsequent “Joke from Hell” on the 4th tee box. The Sheriff then rattled off 5 straight pars starting on Hole #11 giving him a lead only a Yarmouth dock-hand could piss away. “Today feels like vindication on so many levels. I have been belittled, brow-beaten and generally treated like a crazy aunt locked in the basement.” said The Sheriff. “So to win a tournament with the word CRAZY in its title is sweet irony. I can’t tell you how many bottles of the Captains nectar I tossed back behind delapitated houses and dockyards in my youth in Yarmouth. This is golfing heaven.”

The day was not without drama as Barry Bannister-Hennigar and Gerry Double-Double Elliott waged  their own personal “sword fight” for second place. Double-Double, invigorated by his new weapon, a 2 handicap, found 15 of the first 16 greens in regulation and ho-hummed his way to a 71 (-1). His card registered nary a birdie forcing Double-Double to use his Irving credit card for gas for his long trek back to Windsor for the first time in 37 KWGA Saturdays. For Bannister-Hennigar, his day was spearheaded by a solid overall approach which meant avoiding playing partner “The Donald’s” incessant screams of “Oh Donald!.” and Commissioner Ford’s Sphincter Trumpet. “It was a tough day out there for me personally.” said Bannister-Hennigar. “My group certainly has its quirks and managing those kinds of surroundings takes the patience of Job. I was expecting the most trouble from “Waldo” but I think he left his voice on the veranda Friday night. I am happy with the start to my season. I wasn’t expecting this right out of the gates. Let’s just hope my wife doesn’t see this website…lest she shut me down for the rest of the season.”

Saturday’s fireworks included 6 birdies in the Thomson (3), Murray (2), Hennigar (1), Bryson (0) foursome including The Commissioner’s back-to-back jobs at Holes #6 and #7. Ole Man River Arnie Telley-Kelley also electrified the gallery with 2 birdies on the day, which included a 7 iron to two feet on the 18th that netted him “Play of the Day.” All told, 10 birdies and 9 rangs were had on the day. “I think it shows just how competitive and skilled our roster is.” said Commissioner Ford. “I think it’s obvious that everyone knew they couldn’t just ease into the season. You can tell many hours have been spent over the winter honing games…and not resorting to David Pelz putting gimmicks. Some calm conditions and a rapidly improving landscape also play a part…I mean, can you see The Sheriff winning in a wind blowing harder than a dog fart? Exactly.

“What’s Wrong With Grampy?”

Saturday also saw another sub-par round from the KWGA’s Grand Pappy, a head-scratching 83 (+8) that has many in the KWGA whispering that maybe the game has passed him by? The Saturday Stinker plummeted Grampy to a distant 16th in the FEDEX Cup Standings with just 7 points. The obvious theory is his new state of the art putting stroke, chiseled from the fossils of dead golfers. However, others point to a rift in his “Three’s Company” relationship outside the course. The late withdrawal this week of KWGA Chum-buddy The Hunchback fueled even more speculation. The rumours forced Grampy to finally address the media via conference call from his UIS Rolling Stabbin’ Cabin. “Listen, you can say what you want. Golf is a difficult game and right now I am having more problems than putting. There is no rift. Everything is fine…I know it may seem awkward to the outside eye….but it’s nothing 2 engagement rings can’t fix OK?”

Rookie Update

Nick Waszczuk-Carey– In a KWGA first, Nick Waszczuk-Carey became the first member ever to go from 1st to last in consecutive weeks. After a scintillating 89 (-1) at The Flower Cart Classic in the opener, the Marlin Man did his best Michael Jackson impersonation “Beating It” around Saturday to the tune of 98 whacks (+9). “I think it was my outfit today. It was a bit loud and maybe a bit snug on the inseam. I figured if it worked for Rickie Fowler it would work for me.” said Waszczuk-Carey. “Next Saturday I may wear a bed sheet for comfort.”

Scott “Air Bud” Woodworth– Another nature lover, Air Bud has gotten off to a slow start on the KWGA Tour, finally getting on the board Saturday with 4.5 points. The avid canoeist is slowly acclimating to a new style of play, battling some personal golf demons and last but not least, realizing why “Different is Normal” is emblazoned on the KWGA logo. “I knew there were some weirdos in the KWGA but this is ridiculous.” said Air Bud. “But they don’t hand out freebies to shoppers at WalMart and FEDEX Cups aren’t handed out in May the last time I checked. There is still plenty of golf left.”

Kevin “Mr. Wildcat” Poirier– Perhaps no rookie has ever entered the KWGA with as much experience on the soil that is KenWo. However, after several years away and littering aplenty, Poirier has had a tepid start to the season currently sitting in 14th place with 11.5 points in the race for the FEDEX Cup. “I know this sounds crazy, but I think it’s time I secured a residence in The Valley again. You know, just a place I can crash so that I can hit 300 balls a day. I was going to ask about JB’s asbestos trap at the end of the driving range, alas, they tore it down on me.”

KWGA Tip of the Week

The weather has started to turn warm and that means the inevitable gentlemen…moisture. The question this week is, just how do you deal with that most uncomfortable job of disposing of post-round undergarments? After all, the quickest way to get our league shut down is if the wives/girlfriends/boyfriends are not happy. And just how do we avoid that? By taking care of those undergarments ourselves. No more leaving them on the washroom floor, kicking them at the hamper or God forbid handling them. No fellas, the answer is simple…TONGS. Yes, that’s right boys, not thongs…but TONGS. Placing that beloved BBQ tool in some Javex bleech before you leave for the course can save you a tremendous headache. For an even better experience, Dry Ice gives you the option or pre-cleaning even before those trouser dagos hit the spin cycle.

News, Notes & Quotes

–“Road Trip Weekend”– From the response after Saturday’s round, most liked half of Wayne’s suggestion for our KWGA Road Trip on Saturday May 30. That being, gathering at Wayne’s house following the round. However, I gathered that Minas View Links in Walton wasn’t a hit. Last year we went to Avon Valley. I will post a poll on the website this week and everyone can chime in. Keep in mind it would be better if we played at a course near Windsor so we don’t have a long drive following the round.

-Kudos to The Shark and Fogg this week for making their 8:09am tee time when all seemed bleak. The duo took home the “Jeff Legge” Late Night Libation Award this week in a landslide as they stayed up late to watch the Golden State Warriors defeat the Memphis Grizzlies game on TV while in Halifax….OK, I’m lying….what was it fellas, a Brewery Tour or a George Michael concert at the Halifax Forum?

-“Hey Doug, are ya layin’ up? (Enter laughing and snickering here)” ~Rod Murray….Murray’s dig at Irwin came as the two groups criss-crossed the 16th and 17th holes Saturday afternoon. Faced with a daunting 30 foot cut shot from 242 yards away from the right rough, Irwin fearlessly reached for his trusty 3 wood and hit a thunderous 30 foot cut around the right tree line into the gully fronting the 16th green. Irwin’s forceful and steady gait following the shot reminded us all that The 4th Reich isn’t to be messed with…or he had to pee really badly and just wanted to find a quiet spot in the woods.

That’s it for this week fellas. Remember to sign up early for next Saturday’s Skoal Bandits Shootout…and VOLUNTEER TO BOOK A TEE TIME…we need all the help we can get.

~The Commissioner

The phrase “It’s Carey and Newcombe, neck and neck… down the stretch they come!” is certainly not one heard every day…but that’s just what happened Saturday afternoon at KenWo GC in the KWGA season opener. Newcombe’s Front Nine 37 had the Windsor standout poised to throttle the field in what was a display of shot-making not seen since Gerry’s simulator in February. However, it was not to be for The Hunchback, as a catastrophic 9 on the pesky 16th hole proved to be his undoing, falling one short of his first career victory.

The benificiary was KWGA rookie Nick Waszczuk-Carey, whose solid bogey on the 18th hole was enough to reel in his first career win and the $20 Winner-Winner-Chicken Dinner cheque. Not much was expected of the avid fisherman coming into the event but it became clear he would be a factor early on with pars at #1 and #2. “I am not sure what to say right now.” said Waszczuk-Carey. “I am used to competing for lumber and fish, so getting myself into the heat of a Back 9 charge is a bit new to me. I think being totally oblivious to my golfing surroundings worked to my advantage today. I feel bad for The Hunchback but there will be other days for him. You can’t have professional Titleist irons like he does and be far from a victory.”

Also surprising Saturday afternoon was the ever-smiling Weasie Locke, whose 3rd place finish represented his best performance since his “Immaculate Conception” almost one year ago. Weasie negotiated the Back Nine’s first six holes in just +3 spearheading his own charge up the leaderboard. “I was running late this morning and I think it gave me a very laisez-faire attitude all day.” said Locke. “Plus I don’t get nervous in tournaments. I can’t open my eyes wide enough to see where I stand on a scoreboard, so I just wait for someone to tell me if my score is any good.”

Also highlighting Saturday’s play was Barry Bannister-Hennigar whose 3 birdie round topped the field all the while filling his vehicle with rang gas. Sporting his first pair of Kurt Rambis signature series rims, the KWGA’s first and only entrant in the NYC Marathon dazzled with 2 darts on two Par 3’s on the Back Nine. “I knew I would get teased out here but I thought it would be for something other then wearing glasses for the first time. Children can be so cruel sometimes.”

Saturday also saw the Christening of what is surely to become all the rage in the KWGA…Grampy Burke’s new putting stroke. A cross between croquet and a curling sweep, all that was missing was a pair of broom ball shoes and the sound of circus music on the green. “Laugh now you guys. I guarantee at least 6 or 7 guys in this league will be putting like me by the end of June.” said Grampy. “People can think what they want but I won 3 provincial croquet titles using this motion. Plus my girlfriend says its made me more efficient with the mop around the house. Frig Off.”

KWGA Tip of the Week

How to Play “Hung Over”

Not many are blessed with the talent to swing a golf club while legally intoxicated so if you find yourself in this predicament, it may be a good idea to pay heed. After scouring the piles of microfiche littering the bowels of the Acadia University Library and interviews with professional liquor pigs throughout the Valley, a common theme arose quickly. As professional drinker Jeff Legge put it, “It really is an art. You have to stay under the radar before the round, do a lot of nodding when spoken to and laugh when everyone else is. You know, mix in quietly. Then start with a double bogey and Front Nine 43 so that your playing partners start to feel a bit sorry for you. Maybe even break into a limp a few holes into the round (“Frig, my achilles/temples are killing me fellas.”). Last but not least, make sure you sit close to an exit at the post round banquet. A quick getaway is always critical…if none of this helps you, just canvas the residents of Tupper Lake. I am sure they can help you.”

Injury Report

Doug Irwin– The 4th Reich’s hand and forearm looked like hamburger meat Saturday morning after a mid-week tumble over his 10 speed’s handlebars. Irwin’s injuries had many in the gallery running for barf bags, while some wondered aloud if he had contracted leprosy. “Irwin’s a tough guy. To come out here and play when his wife told him to stay home so that she could nurse his injuries was heroic. I can’t say enough about him.”

News, Notes & Quotes

-“Pull it Kev..no, I meant the flag stick bud.” -Weasie   Locke’s utterance came just seconds before he called his shot, chipping in for birdie from off the green on #14.

-“This 5 day work week thing sucks.” -Commissioner Ford   The Commissioner’s referenced his fatigue after working the full week before Saturday’s tournament.

-I have posted the updated accounting information on the website after Saturday’s collection of membership dues.

-I have posted the tournament sign up for next Saturday’s Captain Crazy Invitational on the website. If you plan to play, click on YES first…then on CONFIRM. The deadline to sign up is Monday night at 7pm.

-I have added the Captain Crazy Invitational tab to the website under TOURNAMENT SCHEDULE. Please refer to that tab for information on the tournament field, tee times, volunteer list etc.

-We will need lots of volunteers to book tee times again this week…because if we don’t have tee times…We have nothing.

If you have any problems with the website, do not hesitate to get in touch with me.

See you next Saturday!

~The Commissioner

The KenWo Grounds Crew has readied its greens for Saturday’s Flower Cart Classic.

No season in the history of the KWGA has been as highly anticipated as the one upon us Saturday morning. After a long winter of shoveling, ice scraping, mental fatigue and breakdowns, the roster has convened once again at venerable KenWo GC for Saturday’s KWGA opener…The Flower Cart Classic. Last season, Gerry “Double-Double” Elliott blitzed the field with round of 71, good for a 5 shot victory over Grampy Burke. Both combatants are back again this week along with 18 others with high hopes to start the season.

“It’s been a long wait, but now I can start defending some of these titles.” said Double Double after a leisurely practice round with his mare Friday afternoon. “Net scoring or not, I still have game, a mental edge and a golf simulator that withstood some of the most hellacious swings from KWGA members all winter. 2015 will be like going back in time for me. They can tie my arms behind my back with this net scoring thing but they can’t take away my heart of a champion. That there is priceless.”

Telly-Kelley showing the scars of a long off-season…and a more than ready demeanor for the 2015 opener.

So what can we expect tomorrow morning? Without doubt a lot of swings at the plate, moans of displeasure/disbelief and the sound of ball on blade. As Telly-Kelley put it, “I have been waiting for this for 7 months. My neighbours probably think a moose is in rut with the guttural noises that have been emanating from my apartment the last week or so. I’ve worn all the felt off my antlers already and it’s not even mid-May yet.” Many have pointed to Kelley as a possible dark-horse Saturday morning after squeezing in practice rounds on Thursday and Friday. “Preparation is the key.” said Telly-Kelley. “Clubs…check…spikes…check…short shorts…double check.”

Adding intrigue to the proceedings Saturday will be KWGA rookies “Air Bud” Woodworth and Kevin “KKK” Poirier. Fresh off a second place finish in the 2014 Ryder Cup and third place ribbon at the 4H Dog Show with his prized Golden Retriever, Woodworth will be in charge of all on-course animal droppings that will no doubt litter the course. “I can’t control rookie treatment. It is something everyone goes through.” said Air Bud. “Call it hazing or whatever you want, I know who I am and I certainly know I am not the worst speller in this league. They won’t break me down, no matter what.”

KKK Poirier spotted on the 14th fairway Friday. “They can take away my walk and talk…but they can’t take away my pride.” ~KKK Poirier

For Poirier, his admittance into the KWGA didn’t come without some stern warnings from the Commissioner’s Office. “They told me I can’t wear any swastikas on my clothing, shave my head or get any tattoos on my face.” said KKK. “He also told me to make sure I didn’t accidently break into a Goose Step walking the fairways. That will be a hard habit to break…but I am willing to try.” KKK was asked about his natural rivalry with another wannabe German, Doug Irwin. “I have heard about Irwin. He gets away with swearing in 3 languages and I can’t even goose step. It doesn’t seem fair, but who said life was fair anyway?I saw him running in Wolfville the other day with his knee-high socks and Euro-sexual sweat top…what a joke. That stuff doesn’t scare me or intimidate me. He can yell at me all he wants. He can’t bench me like I am one of his goaltenders or anything. I’m ready!”

Waldo-Murray makes good on his promise to try harder and pay more attention in 2015.

KWGA veteran Where’s Waldo-Murray made news this week, becoming the first member to publicly admit he is computer-tarded. After 7 months of training, Waldo-Murray just couldn’t seem to find his tee time on the KWGA’s media hub. “This is not unexpected. Drama teachers usually don’t have a full grasp of the concrete. They deal in more of a whimsical world of fantasy vs reality.” said Commissioner Ford. “They made me go to rehab for MY maladies, I say a week computer course at The Flower Cart is in order for this transgression. If he doesn’t pass that, then we will have to look at getting him an Educational Assistant full time.”

“What to Watch” for at The Cart Classic

1. Just what will 3 Time KWGA Fashion Champion Mark “Panty Shark” Gavin pull out of his tickle-trunk this week? Pastels? Gucci? Twins?

2. Can Gary “Big” Johnson get through the 18th hole in under 10 strokes?

3. Just how big will Nick Carey’s latest fish story grow to?

4. Has a year’s absence from visiting Yarmouth curbed The Sheriff’s ribald sense of self?

5. Will Grampy Burke wear one of his signature Ralph Furley vests, accessorized with an engagement ring?

Flower Cart Classic Favorites

Harold Fisher (3-1)  A winter golfing in the warmth of Florida and a home builders tax refund will no doubt have Mr. October in a good mood and primed to play well.

Nick Levy (4-1)  It’s been almost a full calendar year since Levy has played a KWGA event. His return is almost as anticpated as Tiger Woods at The Masters. His 13 strokes will give him more wiggle room than a pair of the Commissioner’s underwear.

Barry Hennigar (5-1)  Fresh off a recent Florida trip and several practice rounds, buoyed with 8 strokes, Hennigar could take Saturday’s tournament by storm. However, having no league boyfriend in his group could be damaging.

Commissioner Requests

*Please drop by the practice putting green before your round. The Commissioner would like to get some profile  photos and quotes heading into the event. Cheers lads.

*I will be collecting league dues ($20) Saturday if you would like to pay then. I just would like to start paying for trophies and other league initiatives ASAP. Thanks.

SEE YOU IN THE MORNING….FIRED UP!

~The Commissioner

The Gavin Twins (KWGA Entertainment Enterprises Inc.)

Fellas…

I just wanted to send along some correspondence I received today (Thursday April 23) from our fearless Club Professional Derek MacKinnon.

Dear Mr. Commissioner & KWGA Members,

I have been wanting to write this email for some time now…so glad I finally got to.

After an e-mail from The Ken-Wo commish, the DOGO (Shooter Mackay) was sent regarding tee times, I had the pleasure of viewing the KWGA website for the first time ever. Upon careful perusing of the site, I found a beautifully crafted list of the wonderful players who FORM the KWGA.

I was not surprised by the talented pool of ball strikers and long putter users and I was equally not surprised by the carefully calculated odds of them capturing the cup.

What I did love, what made me burst out loud and piss myself a little were the ‘nicknames’ associated with each player. Once again, carefully chosen and thought of, as only a great commissioner is able to do. By the time I got to, Gerry “Double Double” Elliott I was holding on to my chest, for fear of completing busting a gut….and he was early on the list.

I want to say thank you for the amazing release of laughter. Slightly orgasmic, which is weird considering the crew I was laughing at/with….

With all that said, I believe that it would only be fitting to let everybody know and maybe prompt you all a little bit to think about whether or not you should get some balls with your nickname on the side?!

Ponder it. Think long and hard. Do I want “KKK” on my ball? Yes YOU DO KK. 

…and I will be shocked if guys like Sheriff, Hunchback, Panty Shark, Weasie, The Denim Cowboy and The Fogg don’t place an order right away. Not everybody gets a sweet nickname like these fellas. Am I right Nick Levy? WTF is the Levee Broke? Weak on that one commish…

Oh, and guys…I mean really…somebody, a group of you maybe, step up and get “Where’s Waldo?” some balls. Lord knows he might make to a few more games if somebody else supplies the ammo!

The deal for 2015 is this ….. Buy 3 dozen and get 1 dozen Free.

Each dozen is $59.95

Delivery is about 4 weeks.

It’s for ProV and ProVx balls only.

Here’s the hook, line and sinker. Hyundai Simmons and The Donald have already placed orders. If we get 8 more, so ten in total. I will donate $100 in prize value back to the KWGA for the commish to hand out during the season.

…and who knows. If the stars and the moon align, everything may fall into place and I might even get to play with the superstars of the KWGA. As long as I don’t get stuck with “Grampy”.

Love ya’s!

D.

Fellas,

In an effort to streamline the tee time process I would ask that we adhere strictly to the following procedure throughout the 2015 season. I will explain the reasoning as well.

(a) VOLUNTEER TO CALL/ONLINE BOOKING: Each Sunday morning I will post a VOLUNTEER TO CALL/ONLINE BOOK box on the website. You don’t have to volunteer every week, but the more people calling every Tuesday, the more likely we will get the tee times we require. What we don’t want is to end up with more golfers than tee times and the only way to avoid this is to have as many callers as possible week to week. I will be calling every Tuesday…So, “put an oar in the water” once in a while.

Reasoning: The starter at the Pro Shop needs to know, in advance of Tuesday morning, what members from the KWGA will be calling in/online booking, so as not to over book the KWGA. When you get through on the phone, just let them know you are calling for the KWGA. No need to give them 3 other golfers. I will let them know the groupings later that morning. The weekly draw will be posted each Friday under the TOUR SCHEDULE tab on website.

I will be calling the Pro Shop on Monday nights after 7pm letting them know 2 things.

1. How many tee times the KWGA will be requiring.

2. What KWGA members will be calling in/online booking for tee times that week.

NOTE: If we end up with more golfers than tee times, then the first 8, 12, 16, 20 or 24 golfers who LOGGED IN to the website and clicked YES will be entered into the field that week.

*Please DO NOT be a “vigilante caller”…you will just create confusion with the Pro Shop booking process. Thank-you for your cooperation.

~Commissioner Derek Ford

Fellas…

The time is getting near. The weather has warmed and the snow is melting…and the anticipation builds for the 2015 KWGA season. However, before we all get out on the course, we need to go over some technical issues so that everything runs smoothly. With that in mind, here are a few of the issues that we all need to be on the same page with…or else we have chaos.

Way back in November of 2014, I posted some “poll questions” to give everyone a voice on several issues. After gathering your responses I was able to move forward with some planning because there were clear majorities on all issues.

2015 MEMBERSHIP DUES ($20 + $7 Weekly Games)– 23 of 24 members who responded were in favour of building a “kitty” for our association. The money will go toward (a) food costs for social events (b) trophies for our Major Champonships (c) Supplies for items such as Championship Banners, T-Shirts, printer ink cartridges etc (d) and the odd gift certificates for closest to the hole weeks. I have already begun work on all of the above and will pull the trigger on purchases once the dues have been collected. Two members have already paid their $20 at The Masters party. You can wait until our first KWGA event in May or give it to me before then if you wish. Whatever is best for you. Once you have paid, your name will appear in the PAID section under the ACCOUNTING tab on the website.

TROPHIES– 18 of 19 members who responded were in favour of buying trophies for our Major Championships. I spent #39.99 +tax on the FEDEX Cup trophy and will look in that price range for our next 3 Major Championship trophies.

ALTERNATE DAYS– 14 of 17 members who responded were in favour of playing on Friday or Sunday if KenWo was booked on Saturday. For that reason, I built in 4 alternate days for the 2015 season.

If you have any questions about any of the following, by all means call me or post a note on the website so that everyone can see.

~Commissioner Ford

FRIDAY APRIL 10

4:00pm

“THE KWGA INVADES THE ‘WO”

Kev: “Grampy, looks like you pissed yourself.”
Grampy: “Looks like you did too bud.”

 Fellas…

I don’t know about you but this delayed spring has me going out of my tree. I can’t even look at a golf ball, clutch a club while watching The Golf Channel or shine up my beautiful orange spikes without it giving me gas. As much as this pains me to say, I actually miss some of my KWGA brethren, warts and all. That’s why I am hoping to see as many of you as possible this Friday at KenWo for the Masters Party. It’s a great way to support our club, see people we secretly dispise but smile at anyway, get some free food and maybe even have a laugh.

Now I am not saying you need to get as liqoured up as Mr. Lahey and Bobandy and land in the Drunk Tank. What I am saying is, since we can’t golf, we might as well get together and have a snort together. Plus I know a lot of you SHOULD be taking Derek, Dan and Rene up on those free pointers off #1 tee. I know I intend to take a rip…since it will be another month before I can do it again!

Things you should know about me right now…I am not in the best spirits lately because (a) DUKE won (b) The Leafs season was a disaster (c) My beloved Cleveland Browns sucked and their two best players landed in rehab (d) I asked a girl out the other day and she said no (so what if she was 21…I had to give it a shot right?) and lastly (e) I have read too many emails from KWGA members teasing me about golfing down south. Now I am not unsociable because of the above…just sensitive…so proceed with caution.

Friday’s party will be a great chance to welcome back Wayne and Gerry from their Chinese food adventure. (The over/under line on the contraction of diarrhea is 3 days.). I am sure there are stories that MUST be heard. I am most curious about (a) who got on whose nerves first (b) how each couple managed to find a way to have relations without any others hearing or finding out (c) how far they REALLY walked down the Great Wall and (d) Did the Chinese natives understand Wayne’s English?

Friday may also be a good time to bring up any issues or thoughts about our 2015 KWGA season…or even pay your $20 dues for the year. I will be bringing along our official KWGA mascot for safe keeping.

Please be kind…no Rubles or Yen please.

Harrah’s Sports Book and Casino- Las Vegas, NV

2015 FEDEX Cup Championships Odds

The KWGA League Office also got exciting news this month. The kind odds-makers at Harrah’s in Las Vegas have been kind enough to render their odds for the 2015 KWGA season.

HAROLD “MR. OCTOBER” FISHER (5-2)– Sporting a 17 handicap and a bushel-full of swings down South this winter, Fisher will be a tough cat to deal with on a week to week basis. Plus he didn’t get that nickname for nothing. Two first place finishes in the 3 handicapped FEDEX Cup playoff events to end the 2014 season cemented this pick.

“THE DONALD” BRYSON (3-1)– Nobody locks down Palm Springs and American MILF like Mr. Bryson. A balmy winter in Southern California should have this Hortonville Fabio primed and ready to make a run at the Cup. Bryson also thrived during the FEDEX Cup playoffs with a tie for 1st, 3 Top 3’s and a 5th. The sky is the limit in 2015.

WAYNE “GRAMPY” BURKE (4-1)– Some will question his off-season committment after trips to Myrtle Beach, China and Lower Wolfville. However, Grampy has proved that he will show up every week, play hard and use his uncanny knack for ridiculous bounces to his advantage. Three Top 4’s in the FEDEX Playoffs prove that having a 5 handicap won’t hinder this Scientific Marvel.

JOHNNY “THE DENIM COWBOY” KENNY (6-1)– Kenny enters his rookie year on tour and it has not fooled Harrah’s. Sporting a 10 handicap with a game that belies his age and athletic ability, Kenny will no doubt challenge the KWGA’s elite in 2015. Couple that with a Florida Mini-Tour stint in March, and this Wolfville product will be a factor in 2015. Let’s just hope he leaves the denim behind on tour this season.

JEFF “THIRD” LEGGE (6-1)– Legge came on strong late last season and is pound for pound the KWGA’s longest hitter. At 139 lbs, Legge uses his slight frame and quiet demeanor to veil a steely competitive glare. Legge will start the season with a 7 handicap while clutching his 2014 Rookie of the Year award. Look out!

GERRY “DOUBLE DOUBLE” ELLIOTT (7-1)– Nobody will ever dominate the KWGA Tour again like Elliott did in 2014. However, a 1 handicap will make life difficult for Tim Horton’s beloved son in 2015…along with all of his winter lessons to his competitors. However, with the ability to shoot 67, nobody will be crying in his Budweiser in 2015. Look for Double Double to still be a player down the stretch.

ARNIE TELLY-KELLEY (8-1)– If Thomas The Train could do it…so can Telly-Kelley in 2015. Blessed with stamina, determination and his beloved long wand, nobody grinds on opponents with rain delay tactics quite like the KWGA’s ball-peen hammer. He will collect points every week, make every swing count…then soak his swollen plates of meat in ice in front of his TV following the round. I am cheering for ya buddy!

ROD “WHERE’S WALDO?” MURRAY (8-1)– The obvious questions with Murray each season notwithstanding, the man has game. A league record 67 at The Heritage last season proved that point in spades. However, Murray will need to prove that 2014 wasn’t a fluke and with a 5 handicap to enter the season that will be a tall order. If Murray can stay out of his own way, betters will be knocking patrons down on their way to the betting window with those 8-1 odds.

COMMISSIONER DEREK FORD (8-1)– The Commissioner is hoping his off-season regimen will be enough to get him over the hump in 2015. After coming within one stroke of victory in 2014, no player will be as motivated as Ford to climb the mountain. A long winter of sleepless nights reliving his double bogey at #16 in the FEDEX Final and chasing rabbits at the Acadia gym have fueled his fire. The 5 handicap will be his biggest obstacle.

MARK “PANTY SHARK” GAVIN (10-1)– Nobody questions this man’s ability to shine on #1 tee. The KWGA’s #1 drawing card with the ladies, Gavin will be looking to shed the “Fowler” image and tag of looking pretty but never winning the Big One. The main issue here is just how many Saturday’s will The Shark be able to play? If he can play 12 events, he has a shot, if not, bring your cameras anyway…he always delivers the money shot.

KEVIN “KKK” POIRIER (11-1)– The son of KenWo Legend Wayne Poirier, this KWGA rookie enters 2015 with a 6 handicap and plenty of experience on our hallowed ground. He may remind you of Corey Pavin without the mustache but can grip and rip with the best of them. The only question with KKK this season is just how many women’s soccer tournaments will he have to attend come the fall?

SHERIFF JOHN AMIRAULT (13-1)– I know what you are thinking…John wins? “Ya right.” However, The Sheriff showed flashes in 2014, practiced meditation and Hot Yoga, stopped wearing underwear 2 sizes too small for him and stayed away from Yarmouth during the off-season. Those factors alone should sway your thinking. Plus a 12 handicap will make his on course jokes even funnier in 2015.

MIKE “THE FOGG” WHITE (13-1)– Nobody knows how to swing with a cartilage locked knee quite like The Fogg. White eschewed off-season surgery that would have cost him a chance at the Cup so nobody can question his commitment. 16 strokes a round, lessons with Elliott and points each and every Saturday will make The Fogg a factor in 2015. The only question will be can he make a pressure putt? This ain’t free throw shooting after all.

KEVIN “HUNCHBACK” NEWCOMBE (14-1)– The Hunchback spoiled himself with $2000 Titleist irons in the off-season to sharpen a game that was coming on at the tail end of 2014. Bouyed by the Net scoring system, a 12 handicap, self-depracation and Wayne’s encouragement one can only try and contain Newcombe in 2015. Newcombe’s biggest obstacle will be keeping Grampy away from his mom.

GARY “THE BIGGEST” JOHNSON (14-1)– Hantsport hasn’t been the same since Johnson’s epic 13 strokes on the 18th hole last season. The question is, can the psychological damage from that day be salved in time for 2015? Johnson will sport a 12 handicap to start the season which should keep him in the hunt most weeks. However, only Tiger Woods return will be more closely scrutinized on tour this season.

BARRY BANNISTER-HENNIGAR (15-1)– The KWGA’s finest long distance runner played in just 8 events last season but finished an astounding 11th on the FEDEX Cup points list. It may be a tall order to finish in the Top 8 and qualify for the playoffs playing just 8 events in 2015. However, with Bluenose Cup experience under his belt and a twinkle-toes swing, Barry may have his KWGA competition singing the blues. Let’s just hope he brings his sister to sing along one day.

NICK “THE LEVEE BROKE” LEVY (18-1)– Levy posted 3rd, 4th and 12th place finishes in his 3 events last season and then vanished when the calendar hit June. A KWGA search party was sent out for him and finally found him in his wife’s doghouse. Levy has game, the only question is, does he have time? If he can stay out of the doghouse, play 8 events with a 12 handicap, he may obliterate the field. After all, man did manage to make it to the moon too.

RENE “SHOOTER” MACKAY (20-1)– The Shooter had four Top 3 finishes in 5 events last season and qualified an astounding 8th under the circumstances. His specialties are Majors (where FEDEX points are doubled) and ground hockey in his driveway where his wife can keep a close eye on him. The only question with The Shooter is…Will he be able to play in the FEDEX playoffs? Harrah’s betting he won’t be able to…PEI will be calling.

PHIL STADLER-FEELY (22-1)– Feely stunned the KWGA with his two 9th place finishes in his two events last season while raking in 3 rangs. The gall of the man to hit and run like he did has many secretly gunning for his scalp in 2015. The theory here is that now that his boyfriend JK has joined the fray that Feely will play more then two events in 2015. If that is the case, 22-1 could be a steal….if not…see you at The Red Line Bar.

BOB MAXWELL-SMART (25-1)– Bob knows big moments and Major titles. However, winning the FEDEX Cup requires longevity and fall availability. It’s also probably best that no one in the KWGA wear antlers or bunny ears this season lest they find themselves hanging upside down in his garage. The only way Maxwell-Smart wins a FEDEX Cup is if he quits hunting…or the moose and deer start shooting back.

BRENT “WEASIE” LOCKE (33-1)– There is no way you can pick against someone who has a newborn at home, lacks finesse in his golf game, can’t keep his eyes open when he smiles, hunts in the fall when the FEDEX playoffs take place and plays in just 3 events like he did in 2015. OK, so that’s a lot to overcome. I change my mind, you can take it to the bank…Weasie won’t be winning a FEDEX Cup in 2015…but we love him just the same.

TOM FONDA-THOMSON (40-1)– Fonda plans to play an expanded schedule and bring his On Golden Pond chapeau back in 2015. Always doubting his ability and thinking he can’t compete, Fonda will be a difficult out sporting a 14 handicap to start the season and remind some of Hunchback Newcombe with his self-deprecating rhetoric. However, “fall golf” is as foreign to him as the remote control in his own home. In other words, count him out for the playoffs

NICK CAREY-WASZCZUK (40-1)– The KWGA’s version of TSN’s “Fins and Skins” Henry Waszczuk, nobody knows how to span North America for fish and game quite like Carey. Carey did the KWGA “ride along” program last season, playing skins only with the KWGA lads, so his full game is a mystery. The theory here is that there will be no way Carey will be around in the fall for the playoffs…the fish will be biting then.

PETER “HYUNDAI” SIMMONS (45-1)– When boating on a crystal clear lake on the South Shore and being with family on weekends is more important than golf, well, you know you have issues…and no shot at a FEDEX title. However, with 4 non-Saturday events on the schedule for 2015, we may actually see the car man’s fancy pants a little more. What’s that sound? I can already hear the ladies cat calls from 3 fairways away….MEOW!

BOB “BIP” TRAINOR (50-1)– Nobody quite knows what to expect whenever BIP tees it up each day, including BIP himself. Trainor made a cameo appearance on Tour last season and it went as well as an adult circumcision. This season will no doubt be a learning experience for this former Wolfville resident. Things like following rules, drops, finishing rounds and keeping score will all be new to Trainor. A long shot for certain.

DOUG “THE 4TH REICH” IRWIN (100-1)- There is no questioning Irwin’s mettle and his whirlwind swing is grooved and made for KenWo. Irwin finished 7th in FEDEX points in 2014 even while missing the season’s final 7 events. It’s as mind-boggling as his swing. However, Irwin’s German Pee-Wee hockey team needs a coach, and his presence in the FEDEX playoffs would require Tiger Woods’ private jet and a permission slip from the German Hockey Federation. I’m betting against that…but hope someday Irwin can be around for the playoffs.

Dear KWGA,

It gives me great pleasure to announce that dates for 4 social events for the 2015 season have been confirmed. The Commissioner’s Office thanks everyone for their continued support of the KWGA. Further news of the 2015 calendar will be announced in the coming weeks. Please check in regularly for updates.

Saturday June 20- “The Medford Mile”…Medford Beach

Kevin has once again opened his cottage in Medford Beach for its annual Memphis Rib BBQ on the cliffs of the Bay of Fundy. “The KWGA is very lucky to have such a great locale to celebrate the beginning of summer.” said Commissioner Ford. “The Commissioner’s Office appreciates the early notice with the purpose being to give people plenty of time to plan ahead.”

Entertainment will again include music, Washer Toss, Long Drive into the Bay and this summer something new…Championship Croquet. “The terrain and space at Medford lends itself to an outstanding layout for croquet, plus it puts everyone on a level playing field. I think this will be a winner.” said Commissioner Ford.

Saturday July 4- “Tupperware Lake”…Tupper Lake

The couple of Mike & Mark have confirmed that America’s birthday will be the date for their summer fling. Rumour has it that it could be an engagement party, but that has yet to be confirmed. This was a fall event last season but the move to mid-summer will mean swimming and the site of pink and white bodies in all directions. “By July 4th golf tans will have everyone looking like zebras, so that should be entertainment in itself. We thank Mike & Mark for their continued support of the KWGA.”

Saturday July 18- “Harold’s Cheeseburger Picnic”…Aylesford Lake

Harold’s castle-rock cottage in Aylesford was a huge hit last season, so the Commissioner’s Office is ecstatic to announce that Harold has saved some cheeseburgers for the 2015 season. Boat rides, flutter boards and inner tubes will keep everyone occupied and entertained. “This place had me wondering what the rent would be for the loft above the garage.” said Commissioner Ford. “Harold has all the amenities and knows how to make a crowd happy. This is a can’t miss event on the KWGA social calendar. I can hardly wait.”

Saturday August 1- “Gerry’s Old Towne Tavern”…Bog Road

Fellas…

Just wanted to update everyone on the status of the 2015 Poll Questions. We still have some people that need to log in and answer the questions so that I can move forward with any procedures/expenditures for this upcoming season. If you have lost, deleted or need me to send you your LOG-IN information again, please send me an email and let me know. The idea is to get all the kinks worked out BEFORE the season starts.

My email address:   loafa44@hotmail.com

The following is the list of members that have responded to the 4 Poll questions along the right hand side of the website. If you do not see your name listed, it means I have not heard from you or your vote did not record in the poll log for whatever reason…please log-in and re-vote if that is the case. Thank-you.

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Poll Question #1- “2015 Kick-Off Classic” Test

NOTE: This poll will be listed each week during the season and is the life-blood for organizing the weekly field. If you haven’t tested this one before the season starts, chaos may ensue…and you may be left out! We can’t have chaos now can we?

Derek Thomson                     Mike White

Bob Maxwell                          Barry Hennigar

Jeff Legge                              Rod Murray

Peter Simmons                      Doug Irwin

Nick Levy                               Gary Johnson

Mark Gavin                             John Amirault

Gerry Elliott                            Rene MacKay

Don Bryson                            Gary Johnson

Arnie Kelley

Poll Question #2- Accounting 2015 (Membership Dues/Weekly Games)

Derek Thomson                      Rod Murray

Mike White                             Bob Maxwell

Peter Simmons                      Barry Hennigar

Jeff Legge                              Doug Irwin

Nick Levy                               Mark Gavin

Gerry Elliott                            Rene MacKay

Don Bryson                            Gary Johnson

Arnie Kelley

Poll Question #3- KWGA Fund Spending (Trophies etc.)

Derek Thomson                       Rod Murray

Mike White                              Bob Maxwell

Peter Simmons                       Barry Hennigar

Jeff Legge                               Doug Irwin

Gerry Elliott                             Rene MacKay

Don Bryson                             Gary Johnson

Arnie Kelley

Poll Question #4- 2015 Tour Idea (Alternate Days)

Derek Thomson                       Rod Murray

Mike White                              Bob Maxwell

Peter Simmons                        Barry Hennigar

Jeff Legge                               Mark Gavin

Doug Irwin                              Gerry Elliott

Rene MacKay                          Don Bryson

Gary Johnson                          Arnie Kelley

KWGA members “Hunchback” and “Grampy” model the Life Cycle Mating habits of the dreaded Japanese Beetle.

How to kill a Japanese Beetle/raccoon/crow/skunk: As all KWGA members are aware, our course came under siege last fall unlike anything seen since the dreaded gopher in Caddyshack. An infestation of the Japanese beetle threatened our prized fairways like a Golar at a family reunion. This month, “Scoop” McCracken takes an in-depth look at the problem and some possible solutions in a KWGA exclusive interview. Scoop has decades of experience in the field of extermination and has been credited with the eradication of several golf course pests, including Jimmy “The Clear Cut Pruner” Browner, “Frank Magazine” Rhinoceros and Matias “Hemorrhoid” Collinsworth.

KWGA Magazine caught up with Scoop at his winter cabin on the South Mountain.

Ford: First, Scoop, it’s great to see you again. You look different. Have you shaved your back or something?

Scoop: Listen, the only back that got shaved this winter is your wife’s, so can we just get to the topic at hand please?

Ford: No problem buddy. We all know what happened to our great course in the fall. It looked like a bomb went off on some of our fairways and we all learned more about a stupid green beetle in the last 7 months then we all care to know. Have you ever seen anything like this before?

Scoop: Listen, when you spend as much time with a group of inbreds like the KWGA, you know better than to ask me that. This beetle isn’t the end of the world. It’s nothing Viet Nam Napalm and overnight vigils with shotguns can’t fix. Plus, the KWGA has plenty of marksmen to take care of all those critters that come out of the woods at night to prey on the weakened sod. I think it would be a great opportunity for a hunter like Weezie Locke to finally shoot a good score at KenWo. Give him a chance to raise his confidence. He has to have better aim with a shotgun in the dark…as opposed to say, a 6 iron. Just pay him in whiskey, beer and rye and I bet he would have a bag full of crows, skunks and raccoons by sun-up. Then we would be able to concentrate on that darned beetle.

“Locke-d & Loaded”…Brent and Maxwell prepare for their spring overnight shotgun vigil in an effort to protect KenWo’s fairways.

Ford: Do you think the Board of Directors would approve of such a plan of action Scoop? It sounds a bit drastic.

Scoop: Heck, don’t we have like 3 board members in the KWGA? Surely they could all just mysteriously go away for a few days while we set up a few blinds lining the fairways. It’s not like the Board wouldn’t all jump at a road trip and some free Timbits right? Desperate times call for desperate measures Commissioner. I say spray and blast the dirty pricks, gather up the dead carcases and send them to the New Minas Trailer Park. Maybe they can have a fundraiser BBQ with all that meat. It’s easier to ask for forgiveness then permission sometimes Commissioner.

Ford: Sounds like a great plan Scoop. What else have you been up to this off-season? This winter sure has been a rough one. Do you see any chance that we could actually have an early spring in 2015?

Scoop: Early spring? Here? In Nova Scotia? Commissioner, that’s about as likely as me taking over for Bev Greenlaw and the Acadia women’s basketball program. They don’t usually let foxes in hen houses do they? How did that work out for Dick Hunt back in the 1980’s anyway? As far as this off-season, I have been scouring the KWGA landscape, looking for stories, getting familiar with the underbelly of this association and seeing how they tick. I found out that there are a lot of interpretations of “off-season golf preparation” in my travels. I don’t want to give too much away because that will be in the March Newsletter, but suffice it to say you won’t want to miss it.

Ford: Scoop, as always, great to see you again, any last thoughts?

Scoop: If Super Bowl Sunday is any indication, there may be some early season surprises atop the FEDEX Cup standings. I saw some golf swings and shots pulled off that day I had never seen before. You should have seen “The Fogg” and “The Hunchback” fire at sticks on Gerry’s simulator like they were free lap dances at Tootsie’s Cabaret. Unbelievable. This net scoring system is going to turn things on its head in 2015. I can’t wait to see some of them in pressure situations, harkening back on those old high school glory days for inspiration and comfort. It was hard for some of those guys lugging around 16 handicaps, trying to compete last season with the Double-Double’s and Maxwell’s of the world with gross scoring. I think 2015 will be like “Revenge of the Nerds- KWGA Style”. All we will be missing is Lavar, the nerd who threw the “bendy” javelin in the movie. Sorry, if that was uncomfortable.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4azNzZTokYY&feature=youtu.be

Scoop will be posting further updates in the coming weeks, so check in on the website as the season draws closer.

PS…The Youtube video was posted as “private” and is not available to the general public…so no panic needed.

Gentlemen,

A great time was had by everyone at the KWGA Closing Ceremonies held at West Side Charlie’s Friday night in New Minas. A special thanks to Rod Murray for getting the pool tables “au gratis” and to Harold Fisher for supplying a few “pizza pies”. Also, a thanks to Gerry Elliott and Tim Horton’s for sponsoring the event and all his effort for the Commissioner. Much appreciated fellas.

However, the night was about honoring the people and events of 2014. So without further adieu, here they are.

-“What’s My Name” Award- “Sheriff” John Amirault– For his countless and varying spelling versions of my name via email in 2014.

-KWGA “Ironman” Award- Arnie Telly-Kelley– For playing in every KWGA event in 2014 and for his hard work behind the scenes.

-“Neon Deion Sanders” Best Dressed Award– Mark “The Shark” Gavin– For his ability to play 18 holes without his shirt tail ever coming out and never showing a sweat stain, even in 30C degree temperatures.

-“Mr. October” Harold Fisher– For his 1st, T-1st, WIn results in his last 3 tournaments on Tour in 2014.

-“The Golden Ball” Mike White– For his ace on July 12  (Hole #11), the first in KWGA History.

-“Mr. 67” Rod Murray– For his KWGA record score of 67 to win The Heritage on July 12, 2014.

-“Rookie of the Year” Jeff Legge– Legge finished 9th in FEDEX points in 2014 and 5th on the Money List in just 11 events, while finishing T-7th in the FEDEX Playoffs.

-2014 FEDEX Championship Banner– Gerry Elliott (2014 FEDEX Cup Champion)

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Thank-you to everyone for supporting the KWGA Tour. What a great season! See you in 2015!

~Derek Ford

(KWGA Commissioner 2013-Present)

Gentlemen,

Let me explain the details about the website. The cost to set this website up was $14.99 for the year. I went ahead with this project without your knowledge because (a) I wanted it to be a surprise and (b) I figured it’s only $14.99, if the membership didn’t want or like the idea, it wasn’t a huge financial loss for yours truly. I was able to get the domain name so cheaply because I already have another website for a Madden Football league and was able to purchase this as an “add on”. If, in the future, my Madden Football league folds, then this website would become more expensive. However, the Madden Football league is a solid, dedicated group, so I don’t see it folding anytime soon.

I also chose October as a START/END point for website payment in the case that the KWGA chooses to discontinue this in the future and that point would fall at the end of our KWGA season. In the meantime, I hope this meets with your approval so that we can take the KWGA to another level of fun and organization. I just wanted to be open and honest with you from the start with no surprises.

Lastly, I have posted questionnaire polls all down the right hand side of the website. This is your chance to speak about some of the proposals for 2015. I would just ask that you read the post entitled “2015 Proposals” before you cast your vote/opinion on said issues. You are also more than welcome to LEAVE COMMENTS in the appropriate boxes at the bottom of the articles. Thanks.

Sincerely,

Derek Ford

(KWGA Commissioner 2013-Present)