I’ve Got a 9 Handicap

Sound the submarine alarm…the waters off the Coast of KenWo are once again no longer safe to swim after the KWGA’s fiercest fish made filet mignon out of the field Saturday morning at the 2017 KWGA Players Championship. Backed by a school of dolphins, mermaids and manatees, The Shark gnashed  and punctured his playing competitors with a Back Nine 36 for a one stroke victory that left yet another golfing scar on the arse of Air Bud in 2017. The win was The Shark’s second TPC in three years and 7th Top 3 finish in 10 starts this season, vaulting him back up to second place in the FEDEX Standings, just a half point behind. “I felt good driving to the course today. I had the radio on listening to CBC Morning Drive and my wife had managed to get the stains out of my favorite white shirt from last Saturday.” said a sharp-toothed Shark. “Plus I usually have to drive The Fogg to the course and listen to his bad knees aching, so it was nice to just have a quiet drive for once. I feel kinda sorry for Air Bud, I know I broke his heart once again…just like when I would steal his girlfriend at the KCA High School Dances back in the day. Tough day for him I am sure, reliving old, bad memories.”

Entering the week, many pundits had quietly whispered whether The Shark had enough power in his dorsal fin to win again on Tour after 6 near misses already in 2017. However, undaunted, he came out as calm as a clam Saturday morning parring six of his first seven holes, making the turn in 37. A dart and clutch put at the 11th started his ascent to the top of the leaderboard by a stroke, a lead which he would hold on to for good, even with a bogey at the Par 5 14th. With Air Bud in the clubhouse at -5, The Shark needed two pars to finish his prey, and like JAWS, his razor sharp fangs sunk into his second TPC Championship. “Huge day for me today.” said The Shark as he clutched his trophy. “Prescott kept me calm all day with his incessant giggling and spell-bounding stories of parking lots in Indianapolis. I could have gone without the bright red glare from his cranium, but like he said to his first wife and high school playmates…you can’t have it all honey…just half of it.”

Now, now Bud…There’s always the Canadian Open

For Air Bud, Saturday was yet another reminder of what it is like to be Matt Kuchar. Happy, unassuming, yet ready to take it high and hard, all with an uncomfortable smile. His second straight runner-up finish in a major tournament in 2017 and second time finishing runner-up in the Players Championship (2015) had many KWGA friends calling his cell every 20 minutes Saturday night, making sure he went straight home after golf. A Front Nine 36 followed by a matching birdie at the 11th had him right back in the hunt at a major. A closing 37 Back Nine meant that a 73 gross would come up short once again. “Having to sit upstairs, waiting for that last scorecard to come in, knowing I was the leader in the clubhouse…unnerving.” said a downcast Air Bud. “I stayed at the course thinking I may have won, even with my dog sweltering in a kiddy pool in my backyard at home. If a gross 73 isn’t good enough to win a major, well, then, I might as well take up Petanque or lawn bowling.” On the bright side, after a slow start to the season, Air Bud has sky-rocketed to 5th in the FEDEX Standings after garnering 40 points yesterday. “I’d give up all of those points for a major and for those uncomfortable Kuchar smiles to go away.” said Air Bud.

It must be July…I’m actually thinking about drinking here.

Making his 13th straight career Major appearance Saturday, at 13 different weights, was The Commissioner, a man who welcomes July’s warm air like a water buffalo meandering toward the crocodile infested Serengeti River. His round was highlighted by 14 greens hit, a birdie at 14 but marred by 4 three putts and an eagle putt left on a lip. A Front Nine 38 was followed by a Back Nine 37 that was good for his 27th career Top 3 finish. “I can’t say enough about how much fun I had today.” said a dripping Commissioner. “I was thankful Bip Trainor was in the group ahead of me with some extra baby wipes and The Fogg making sure I got some extra exercise. That all kept my focus off of pre-shot anxiety and on what is important, making sure my intestinal tract is free and clear.” The third place finish moved him up to 3rd in the FEDEX Standings with just three regular season events remaining. “I wasn’t expecting much from my round today.” said The Commissioner. “When my brother stays overnight he tends to wake me quite early and with not a lot of finesse. Light flickering and door slamming is kind…no wonder I had gas.”

THUMBS UP…THUMBS DOWN

It could be worse…

THE HUNCHBACK- It was a test. I didn’t say a word or give one reminder to last year’s Players Champion to bring the trophy to the course Saturday morning. Well done Kevin! I’ve changed and upgraded your website password…FormerlyRetarded.

BIP TRAINOR- After a tee shot off #11 tee that skittered violently across #10 green, the former Axemen football great then hit his second shot from 150 yards to 6 feet…and drained his putt for par. Amazing to watch!

GRAMPY- After a Friday morning non-wedding stag party round with friends that netted a -$773.41 KenWo bill, he still came to the course Saturday morning with a smile. Update: Grampy made $1,357.43 today after selling another set of sprinklers.

TIM PRESCOTT- A late entry Friday night. Arrived @ Halifax International Airport at 2am. Teed off at KenWo 4 hours later. Shot 75, won two rangs worth $50….and put the money down on the table and said, “You can have this money for booze…if you listen to a few stories I wanna tell ya about someone named The Eagleman! Thanks Timmy…Next year I will make you a bag tag!

So Not Cool Fellas…I’m Trying to Help.

THE HUNCHBACK- For defacing The Players Championship trophy with an inscription of some guy named T-Bone. I have downgraded your website password back to IAmRetardedAgain.

MAXWELL-SMART- For administering so much sunscreen that it looks like you spend your spare time modelling in a wax museum.

BANNISTER-HENNIGAR- For going to The Opera in Toronto…and bragging about it on Facebook. Embarrassing.

MR. WILDCAT- For drinking 6 Red Bulls every Saturday before arriving at KenWo…without the felines!

KWGA SICKNESSES AND INJURIES- We need you back Gerry and Rod! Get plenty of rest, drink lots of liquids…and come back swinging for the fences out on Tour once again!

News, Notes & Quotes

*”I know Padraig Harrington is going to play great this week at The Open. Make sure you have him on your pool list big fella.”-Irwin. Thanks Doug…I had Cabrera-Bello on my original list. Nice drive on #1 yesterday though. Great bogey bud.

Great drive Buddy!

*Congrats to Rene MacKay on winning the first ever KWGA British Open pool. I will make sure I forget to tell you about the PGA Championship pool next month.

*Good luck to everyone playing and competing in the Acadia Alumni tournament Friday and in the Men’s Club Championship on the weekend!

*A big year just got bigger for The Shark. He added his second Players Championship crown to his mantle along with captaining a winning team in June’s Ryder Cup.

*See you next week boys!