On a day the KWGA set a record for most golfers below net par for a tournament, one man stood above the rest at Saturday’s second Major, The KWGA Players Championship. The man simply known as “Hunchback” Newcombe blitzed KenWo’s Back Nine with a gross 33 which included birdies at #14, #15 and the finishing #18 to snatch victory from the jaws of defeat in winning the 2016 KWGA Players Championship by one stroke over a disbelieving Inspector Gadget-Rushton, and the rest of the KWGA. The irony in the victory was that just days earlier Hunchback had threatened to take up roofing and/or irrigation work for the rest of the summer. “I can’t explain golf sometimes.” said a toothy Hunchback. “It comes and goes like laundry. In the spin cycle and down the drain some days. Other days I throw in dirty clothes, and my panties come out dry and folded. Something took over me in The Valley today. Maybe it was the leisurely cart ride with The Denim Cowboy. Maybe it was my last days of freedom before my wife gets back from Italy…or just maybe it was the Coors Lite taking the edge off a bit. All I know is that Grampy’s “Underground Irrigation Systems Chain Gang” won’t be seeing me anytime soon. Roofing and irrigation in 90 degree heat is for the birds. I’d rather be bossed around at home.”

The early story Saturday was the continued late season surge from Inspector Gadget-Rushton whose mid-week golf sojourn to Cape Breton turned sour, which threatened to upset his current form. However, after a late week lesson on the range from his litter, Gadget came out swinging early Saturday with pars on his first four holes, finishing with a Front Nine 39, giving him a 4 shot lead as his Back Nine commenced. A birdie at #12 salvaged messy back to back double bogies at #10 and #11 narrowing his lead to three strokes heading into The Valley 5. Gadget casually strolled by The Commissioner all smiles as the two crossed paths on #16 fairway…but carnage was to ensue. “He looked very upbeat and content, like a stray dog taking a nap on some countryside railroad tracks.” said The Commissioner. “It’s just Gadget didn’t know the train known as The Hunchback was hurtling down the tracks…and someone had tied Gadget to the rail. I knew it might get messy.” A double at #16, and bogies at #17 and #18 meant all Gadget could do was hold on to the train’s front grate and hope the KWGA-SPCA could save him. However, it was not to be as The Hunchback angrily put his train in reverse and ran over Gadget again with a back-stabbing birdie at #18. “You have to give credit to The Hunchback today.” said an emotionally bruised and battered Gadget. “The man was a Conductor of Pain for me today. I figured I had this one in the bag the way I was playing, chipping in, putting. I guess today just proves Majors are hard to win. Next year I plan on driving the train…not sleeping on the tracks like a stray dog.”

Speaking of beaten, stray dogs. Perhaps no KWGA Pro has taken more heat this season for his lack of production. Where’s Waldo was even called out by The Commissioner last week…and low and behold the magic returned Saturday morning. Waldo’s gross 73 (net 64) was his best score since his record-breaking 66 gross at The Heritage two seasons ago. His third place finish at The Players Championship Saturday meant the New Minas cellar-dweller no more is back in the FEDEX Cup Playoff Race. “Fellas, I had three birdies out there today so you can suck my thumb.” said an indignant Waldo. “They can talk about me being washed up all they want, I know I have it in me to play well. I’m good at other things as well, like shooting basketballs, singin’ ‘n dancin’, tanning and smoking Gary’s cigars. I plan to add to my repertoire later this summer with a FEDEX Cup title.”

Rounding out the Top 3 this week was one of the tournament hosts, The Fogg, who found lightning in a bottle with a Front Nine 38 gross that put him smack dab in the hunt for a win. However, double bogies at #13, #14 and #18 proved to be too much to overcome. Inspired by an early taste test of his chili before leaving for KenWo in morning, The Fogg belched and birdied #5 to give him a much needed boost to a season that hasn’t lived up to expectations. “I had a lot to do this week but a lot to play for as it turned out. It felt good to be in the hunt again on the Back Nine.” said a relaxed Fogg donned in his wet suit. “Pars are my friend out here. I always have to remember that. They are like having a wet dog to wake you up every day. Dependable, Joy-inspiring. If I knew chili was going to make me play this much better I would make it every Saturday…but I don’t think my wife would like that.”

THE AFTERMATH

TUPPER LAKE

OK, so where do I begin? So much material, so little space and time. Let’s just say that if you missed it, you missed many laughs, a chance to swim in fresh water, great chili and BBQ, thunder, lightning, and a chance to honour two Valley patriarchs. In other words, you missed what is the foundation of the KWGA. What a great day!

For everyone’s mental health, let’s start with the highlights.

HIGH-LIGHTS

*The Sheriff made his second Social Event appearance in 2016, albeit for 5 minutes.

*Food and hospitality. Mike, your chili was as tasty and textured as paddling a canoe on a lake without a ripple. Mark, your BBQ skills were “bang on” my friend. Thanks for the efforts boys….and wives!

*The “Third” Legge brought his mini-hound dog puppy. Watching it’s horrified face as it was given its first bath in Tupper Lake was like watching microfiche coverage of The Biggest Johnson’s wedding day. Panic, sweating and threatening to back out of its harness. Thank-you for that entertainment Jeff!

*Thunderstorms and torrential rain. How can you not love a good thunder and lightning storm? Warm water. Reprieve from the humidity. But watching five hold outs huddle under a 5 foot umbrella trying to avoid the rain’s wrath was priceless. That’s why people 6’5 run inside (hint hint)…lightning rods. If that wasn’t Gordie and Bill talking to us, there aint no such thing.

*I am happy to announce that there were no water/boating safety rules broken this year. Great job guys!

*Don’t ever say that Rod has never contributed…

LOW-LIGHTS

*The Sheriff made his second Social Event appearance in 2016, albeit for 5 minutes.

*The Players Champion (Hunchback) left his wet underwear on the lawn. The gallery scrambled to find tongs, a shovel, anything to try and remove the eyesore from the premises. “We were all enjoying ourselves… and to have to look at bugs, flies and small animals peck away at his drawers laying 5 feet from us was not conducive to proper digestion. Not to mention their colour scheme. I think he still wears kids underwear. I thought I saw a Superman logo on them.” ~The Commissioner

*Speaking of colour schemes. If Grampy and The Hunchback didn’t shop for their swimsuits together, then I am under 250 lbs. There must have been a 2 for 1 sale at Woolworth’s or something. They looked like Dumb and Dumber. Thanks for the giggle!

*The Commissioner became the first sober member to ever knock a drink out of someone’s hand and a social gathering. Of course I did it to one of the tournament hosts, not some “Schlub” who I compete against every Saturday. Maybe I should start drinking again. (Sorry Shannon)

*The day after eating 2 bowls of chili and multiple sausages…but maybe some of you enjoy that?

GORDIE & BILL…TREES IN HEAVEN

What a privilege it was for me to announce to Mark & Mike, on behalf of the entire KWGA, that two trees would be planted on KenWo’s grounds in honour of their fathers. They don’t make ’em like Gord and Bill anymore. Thanks also to all members of the KWGA who jumped on board this project and contributed. I just hope that the KenWo brass doesn’t put those two trees in a place where the KWGA has a tendency to stray with their errant drives!

News, Notes & Quotes

*The KWGA set a record Saturday for most golfers under net par (10 golfers). GREAT PLAYING BOYS!

*Next week’s tournament sign up and volunteer boxes have been posted on the website.Deadline to sign up is the usual, MONDAY @9:00pm. Volunteers are appreciated.

*Harold, The KWGA’s thoughts and prayers are with you during your difficult time. Hang in there Bud!

*This week’s trivia question…Who was happy about the rain Saturday? Grampy or The Denim Cowboy? See you next week!