Mark Twain once wrote, “Always do right. This will gratify some people…and astonish the rest.” And so it would be, after a winter of discontent and a spring of uncertainty, KWGA verteran Kevin “Hunchback” Newcombe did just that Saturday morning, astonishing his doubters with a stalwart net 67 en route to his second career victory at the 2016 Skoal Bandits Shootout. The win came just months after being “stunted” for success, a procedure that had many wondering if this once promising career had fizzled before it had even begun. Newcombe performed his own surgery on the grounds that are KenWo, dressed dapper and daft in his Tom Jones form-fitting stretch top, Old Tom Morris chapeau and his now signature Blue Blocker wrap-around shades. It’s an ensemble that had many wondering if dinosaurs do indeed roam the tundra that is Falmouth. “I didn’t think this would come in my first event back on tour after my surgery.” said a relieved Hunchback. “I just wanted to come out here today, get some swings in, acclimate myself to tour competition again…and hopefully inspire my anxiety-ridden students who haven’t seen me in 7 months. Today is proof positive that anyone can win in the KWGA. Whether you are missing digits, have ADHD, mental problems or you’re just plain stunned, this is a place where all your dreams can come true.”

After a non-descript Front Nine 40, the oxygen-filled Newcombe blood got boiling in The Orchard where he carded a flashy -1 gross total following a crowd pleasing birdie at #12. Pars at #14 and #17 gave him a one stroke lead over surrogate boyfriend Grampy and all that stood in the way of victory was a par on the devilish 18th. “I just started thinking off all the help, love and support Grampy has given me over the years. Normally I would be shaking like a leaf and as anxious as a turkey the week of Thanksgiving but I just started thinking of his soft shaded eyes and aloof demeanor…and all the anxiety just went away.” said Hunchback. “You just can’t put a price tag on love.” A titanic drive was followed by a smooth approach into the green and two “Plinko” putts later, the title was his. “Maybe people will finally start to believe in me.” said a choked up Hunchback. “Now if you will excuse me, I have to be home before I get in trouble.”

For Grampy, Saturday was yet another reminder of what it is like to be left without a Prom date. His second straight runner-up finish to start the KWGA season meant the Windsor product took the lead in the FEDEX Cup standings but as he said himself following the round. “I don’t play for second place. Taking the lead with 2 second places finishes is akin to getting diarrhea from your favorite meal. You’re just not left with a satisfying feeling. It does prove that 2 months in Myrtle Beach does pay off. So what if it cost me $3000.00? Repeating as KWGA Champion would make it all worth it. Now if I can get my buddy Hunchback to frig off, then everything will be right in the world again.”

Not to be outdone, the KWGA’s other feel good story Saturday came from Johnny “The Denim Cowboy” Kenny whose 2 new hips have proved to be just the tonic for decades of golf frustration. His second straight Top 5 finish has some calling his return to greatness bordering on  Steve “The Bionic Man” Austin proportions. His net 69 included a round boosting birdie at #13 that will help pay for a few more apple seeds. “I don’t care if they call me Steve Austin or Daisy Duke.” Said a beaming Kenny. “As long as results are coming from all this hard work, that’s all I care about. Sure, I hear them snickering and laughing when they see me warm up before each round but I could care less. I was teased by every “bub” on the mountain growing up because of a lot more embarrassing things than a funky golf swing.”

Dressed For Success

Saturday also saw the return on tour of a newly bearded Jeff “Third” Legge. The crimson studded chin was all smiles and giggles but with a twist on this delightful morning. Apparently the alarm clock must have struck late or his newly minted beau just didn’t have time to lay out his KWGA outfit for the day because something seemed amiss right from the start. “My first clue was that the Nike Swoosh on his golf shirt was swooshing in the wrong direction.” said an amused Sheriff Amirault. “Usually it goes right to left. Jeff’s was going the opposite. Right then I knew his shirt was on inside out. Did I tell him right away? Not a chance.”

The group of Amirault, Maxwell and Burke let the young chicken hawk wander the grounds for 4 hours before finally telling the New Mindless resident that his shirt was askew. “I am glad we have a fashion policeman like John around.” said a sarcastic Commissioner. “He told me my fly was open before my opening tee shot today so what happened to Jeff certainly didn’t surprise me. He should be concentrating more on his own messy wardrobe than all of ours. Maybe he should start spending more time on the practice range than watching so many hours of Haute Couture Channel. You’d think his daughter would have taught him how to dress with all her years of experience in New York. The man is starting to make me nervous.”

Alzheimer’s Attack?

Perhaps Burkie’s best play of the day was corralling a confused and delinquent Bob “Not So Smart” Maxwell following play Saturday morning. After 4 h and 30 minutes of grinding in the warm sun, all that was to be settled on this day were the rangs and overall winner. However, Bob, like a baseball catcher hit in the coconut by one too many foul tips, wandered aimlessly around the KenWo property with the group’s scorecard. “We waited upstairs 30 minutes for him. We thought maybe his wife had called him to pick up some roadkill for dinner and he had left for the day at one point.” said a bemused Commissioner. “I was forced to dispatch Deputy Burke to go find Bob. I mean it’s not like 15 guys didn’t have anything else to do with a sunny Saturday afternoon. There were KWGA wives and children all kicking the dirt, pacing and making small talk for what seemed like an eternity. I don’t know about anyone else but I know I needed a Sitz bath and a feminine napkin after being overdressed in that heat. It’s OK though Bob, my rectal tissue will regenerate.”

Who’s on First?

(AP) Tampa International Airport (April 2016.)

In a scene right out of the WWE Wrestling Federation, KWGA members “Mr. October” and Nick Waszczuk tagged hands at the Tampa International Airport last week with one en route to their shared Pin Palace on the Gulf Coast, while the other headed to New Minas to take on the KWGA’s best at the Skoal Bandits Shootout. It’s been a scene replicated on many occasions over the years. However, it has raised questions as to just what the hell goes on down there in Tampa all winter long. As The Commissioner stated, “First, what people do on their free time is none of my business. As long as members pass their yearly physicals and random drug testing, I can’t say boo. They figured out pretty fast that my office sent Where’s Waldo down to get the scoop this winter…but that didn’t turn out so well. However, if the rumours persist, I may be forced to check it out myself next winter.”

Fisher has entered next week’s Gigglers Invitational while Carey’s whereabouts remain unknown.

News, Notes & Quotes

*It’s nice to report some good news after a difficult spring for some in the KWGA. A special congratulations this week to KWGA members Mike White and Kevin Poirier whose daughters became graduates of higher learning over the weekend. It is obvious that you have done a lot right in your rearing for this to become reality. We look forward to seeing you both on tour again soon!

*If you are making putts out here today, I’ve got bad news for you…you aren’t a very good putter.” ~Double Double

*Speaking of Gerry, the KWGA is happy to announce that Gerry will once again open his back yard and pool to the KWGA in 2016. The date for the event is tentatively scheduled for Saturday August 6th. Last year was an awesome “family day” so mark this event down on your schedule boys and girls.

*The KWGA had a blast from the past appear following Saturday’s play. Jamie “Newfoundland Really?” Brown graced the New Minas grounds to accept his honourary KWGA membership. You would fit in like a glove with the KWGA buddy. Miss ya!

*Next Saturday is the inaugural “Gigglers Invitational” in honour of Rocket Rod’s neighbourhood hang-out. The sign-up and tee time volunteer boxes have been posted on the website.

*Much better printing on the scorecards this week fellas but still a few snafus. Don’t worry Kevin, soon you will understand that when I highlight a hole in orange that it means the score for 8B goes where Hole #5 score used to go. Great job boys!

~The Commissioner