If you don’t know by now, there are two KWGA golfers hotter than a Mexican pepper. Double-Double and The Inspector Gadget unleashed their spicy fury on the KWGA at Saturday’s Barclays Championship with matching 65 nets in what was an old time shootout at the KenWo Corral. For Double-Double, Saturday’s outburst was his second in a week and expected. For The Inspector, it was his first event on Tour in a month and not. Their efforts were good for a share of the title and a 2 shot margain over The Sheriff, who shot a season low 79 gross. “You can’t put a price tag on confidence.” said a beaming Gadget. “I haven’t got the golf resume’ that Double-Double has but it’s nice to feel what that’s like just the same. You can’t get that from swimming in ocean cold water in PEI.”

Arriving disheveled and somewhat disoriented Saturday was Gadget and it was understandable after 3 week vacation taking directions from the 3 women in his life. However, nary a par would be had until the Par 4 8th hole. Gadget then went even par gross over the next seven holes, including the forgotten birdie at #13, a stretch that had the gallery singing “Do The Hustle.” Time and again blasted fades found the fairway and putts rolled in like Fat Albert at an All You Can Eat buffet. A 25 foot breaker across the 17th green for birdie gave him a share of the lead with Double-Double and had his playing partners looking skyward, wondering if the Apocalypse had indeed arrived. “Listen, I know that kind of play from a 15 handicap is not what you are expecting.” said a smiling Gadget. “However, I have watched a lot of good golf this summer and you can’t learn when you are talking. It’s a lesson a lot in this league should start to heed. My game is in good shape for the Semi-Finals…and hey, I am a 14 handicap now… not 15… so slow down on the Spanky jokes will ya?”

After a two year drought, some soul-searching and a new prescription, Double Double looks to be back for good after scoring 33 gross on the Front Nine in consecutive weeks. Seven pars and birdies at #7 and #8 made for pornographic viewing in the Elliot Fan Club with his first bogey coming at suddenly his nemesis hole, the Par 3 11th. What he didn’t know Saturday standing on the 18th tee was that all he needed was a par for his second consecutive win, alas, a frustrating bogey meant sharing gas money with The Gadget. “My mind wandered on 18 a bit.” said Double Double. “I started thinking about all the party preparations and those oversized chicken breasts waiting at home. Joan told me a long time ago that whether its chicken breasts or udders, you need to get your mind outta the gutter. I will work on that next week.”

Rounding out the Top 3 was a man hell bent on chaos and “moon” ball drives. A man who knows how to “backside” himself into a corner with ribald tales from his dock days in Yarmouth. A man known for driving a “wedgie” between his playing partners. A man nobody paid attention to golf wise until the pars started to come like FEDEX “packages” to your “back door”. The Sheriff’s Front Nine 41 was just the beginning to a “Backside Nine” 38 that was both awe-inspiring and perplexing. “I know guys don’t respect my golf game.” said a bemused Sheriff. “Nobody seems to respect the police these days. I may not look or dress like a golfer…but my hair is always perfect so they can be jealous all they want. Now if you will excuse me, I have to go put on my Jerry Lewis costume and pick out my bikini for Gerry’s Pool Party.”

Follwing the round, only a scoring snafu would try to derail Gadget in what quickly became known a “Wayne Gate”. After scouring the scorecards, a missed birdie at #13 was discovered, new life was given and a share of The Barclays Championship. The only thing left was an awkward exchange of two-nies between the two winners …and a glance at The Commissioner. “Grampy is excused even though he is on probation after the boating violation two weeks ago.” said The Commissioner. “He had a long week and not much sleep. Anyone could forget a birdie. However, it was one of those ‘tree that falls in the forest’ moments for me personally. Nobody is really paying attention and doesn’t hear or see it because they are already chin deep in burgers and fries on the deck.”

FEDEX CUP PLAYOFFS QUARTER-FINALS

THE BARCLAYS CHAMPIONSHIP

CHRIS RUSHTON 65

KEVIN POIRIER 67

SCOTT WOODWORTH 69

DEREK THOMSON 70

ARNIE KELLEY 70

KEVIN NEWCOMBE 70

HAROLD FISHER 71 (Eliminated)

WAYNE BURKE 75 (Eliminated)

After a grueling and entertaining 16 week regular season, the scene was finally set for the start of the FEDEX Cup Playoffs. Eight men locked inside the proverbial steel cage Saturday in an effort to whittle down to the Top 4 and ties. Grampy Burke dominated the regular season and looked to defend his 2015 FEDEX Cup title after an ill-timed ringette tournament in Toronto. The Commissioner, two years removed from his Finals loss to Double-Double and a year removed from being forced to withdraw from the 2015 playoffs due to injury. Angry Bird a year removed from a devastating loss to Grampy in the 2015 Finals. Telley-Kelley, a man without a career victory yet battling through an injury plagued season to be in a position to do just that, win. A rookie, Inspector Gadget Rushton, white hot at the right time, clamouring for golf respect in the face of bullies and his own buddies. Air Bud Woodworth, making it his personal crusade to let the world know that golfers comes in all shapes and sizes. The Hunchback Newcombe, in again, out again then in again, toying with alternates minds and psyches. Mr. October Fisher, the ultimate golf underdog, looking to carve out his own niche that didn’t involve bricks and mortar. The event overflowed with story-lines.

When the balls finally hit the air everyone soon realized that Inspector Gadget’s 3 week golf sabbatical to PEI would have zero negative effect on his golf game. In his first ever playoff round, Gadget would lead by 1 stroke at The Turn, firing in egg sandwich after egg sandwich to power his way into the semi-finals with a net 65 (-5). “What can I say? I hit 13 fairways in a row, hit about 13 greens and made some putts that would make a grown opponent cry. Gerry was right, I think I may be the best 15 handicap in North America. I sure was today anyway.”

Not to be outdone, the Angry Bird fired his second consecutive sub-80 round on Tour that didn’t include a birdie for the first time in eons, solidifying his place in next week’s semi-finals. The Bird is like watching Craig Stadler in his prime, you can never tell if he is -10 or +10 no matter how long you study his body language from afar or look deep into his eyes. “I have waited 11 long months to redeem myself. The world won’t be right again until last year’s wrong is rectified. Today was only Step 1 in the journey and nothing to get excited about. Now everyone go have a good time at Gerry’s social event.”

Air Bud showed Saturday just why he is dangerous, blasting high powerful draw after high powered draw off the tee. His only blemish a scary yet lucky bounce from the fairway on #4. A pulled iron that was headed 100 yards out of bounds that miraculously hit a lonely tree, riccocheting back into play. His net 69 was good enough to slide into next week’s semi-finals, a round he has already dedicated to Grampy. “Yes, the result of that shot surprised me. I finally found out what makes a Burkie…you have to EXPECT it to happen.”

The real drama came late Saturday in the battle for the 4th and final semi-final berth. The Commissioner, trailing Telley-Kelley and The Hunchback by 4 strokes after a brain-dead double bogey at #12, found his groove with five consecutive pars from #13 to #17 to even up the score. A wedge to 5 feet on #18 meant his playoffs would continue next week but missing the 5 footer also meant breathing life into Telley-Kelley and Hunchback. “I know, I know, I missed that putt and not knocking AK out of the playoffs right then and there may be the death of me later. Grampy had just rammed in a 25 footer for birdie and a rang just before I putted and I couldn’t get his whining out my head before my own putt. I need to be better than that.”

For Grampy and Mr. October, Saturday’s round meant the end of their FEDEX Cup playoffs but not a tear shall be shed. Both men battled insurmountable odds just to get as far as they did. That would be like expecting a porcupine on the side of the road to rise up and magically trundle back into the woods. The 18 wheeler won on this day as Burkie’s magical 2016 ended in tragedy. Suffering physically and emotionally from August ice hockey, the golf game simply wasn’t there on a day where greatness was needed. “I just can’t believe it’s over.” said a distraught Grampy. “Now I know how Miss America feels putting that crown on another beauties head every year.” For Mr. October Fisher, a late season golf swoon could not be stopped as he missed the cut by a lone stroke. A devastating 8 on the first hole meant blood was spewing from the start but to his credit he hung in there like one of his employees high above on a teetering scaffold. “It’s been a good season. I kinda lost my mojo near the end but I gave it what I had.” said a solemn Mr. October. “No one need feel sorry for me though. I will send you a postcard from Ft. Myers beach in January.”

THINGS I LEARNED FROM GERRY’S BBQ SOCIAL

~Some of our members have eating disorders (Wayne & Kevin). After being served their BBQ dinner, they tore into it like 2 pterodactyls fighting over a fallen dinosaur. Their immense fangs first shredding their prey in two followed by one big gulp then disgusted gasps from distinguished guests. Just FYI boys, the Canadian Institute of Ingestion and Digestion suggests chewing your prey AT LEAST 20 times before swallowing. FFS!

~Gerry’s pool is WARM. At a balmy 88 degrees, his salt water oasis soothed and calmed the nerves of even the most ornery KWGA members, so much so, that the League Office is looking into making it an official medical option in place of the many prescribed ad non-prescription medicines currently being used by KWGA members.

~I didn’t realize they let chickens grow the size of Dolly Parton anymore.

~Newk still needs to work on his volume control. However, it’s about the only trait that would lead you to believe he is actually a teacher.

~KK forgot the directions to a KWGA Social again?

~Arnie is a Crip…not a Blood gang member. I spent many years in America’s South…he has no idea how ghetto he looked with that blue doo-rag on his noggin.

~I hadn’t seen that much pink and white meat in one place Saturday since I did an internship at Cornwallis Dairies. On the upside, Gerry DID NOT have to clean his pool filter of excessive hair after we left.

~Someone in our group has psoriasis. Large groups of birds and stray animals from the surrounding woods could be seen scavenging Gerry’s pool for skin flakes at dusk. “Was that your sore or mine Rod?” ~Bear

~Less  than 3 men in an inflatable raft looks wrong.

~Now I know what dog lipstick is.

~The Sheriff knows how to make an exit…and I am not talking about ELVIS.

Gelykwater Bonsmara Bulle

~Gerry and Joan know how to throw a party!

NEWS, NOTES AND QUOTES

~”I think I saw more than the Sheriff intended.” -Anonymous female

~Next Saturday’s Deutsche Bank Championship is also the Semi-Finals of the FEDEX Cup Playoffs. ALL KWGA MEMBERS CAN STILL SIGN UP AND PLAY! Sign up and volunteer boxes have been posted on the website. The deadline to sign up is Monday Night @9pm as usual.

~Good luck to Kevin and Wayne in this week’s Senior Men’s Championship!

~Thanks a MILLION again for a fantastic day Gerry and Joan. It was all that one could ask for and more!

See you next week!

~The Commissioner