Like legendary televangelist Jimmy Swaggert would famously bellow every Sunday morning, “Jesus, you can take me now!” So it was Saturday morning at The Fred Herbin Experience for the KWGA’s Evangelist of Destruction , “Mr. October” Fisher, who putted and prayed his way through the KWGA field for a 3 stroke victory, his first as a KWGA professional. Many had started to question just why the New Minas product had continued his quest for glory in the face of insurmountable golfing odds but that was all laid to rest, like Swaggert’s Sunday broadcasts. “First of all, I am not as dumb as Swaggert. I would never get caught in a limo with a stripper. That’s a rookie mistake. Secondly, I knew all I had to do was get out of my own way out on the golf course and good things would happen. I didn’t grow up getting country club lessons as a kid, I built country clubs instead…the prize money is a bit bigger after all.” said Mr. October from his docked speed boat on Aylesford Lake. “It feels good to put one in the win column finally for sure. I have been taking a lot of heat since my loss in the Ryder Cup and almost decapitating The Commissioner with a wayward drive last week off #17 tee. Hopefully that will quiet down now for a while.”

After starting +5 on his first 5 holes in The Valley, Fisher’s 41 on the Front Nine had the Aylesford Assasin in prime position to win, a position he had been in many times over the last 3 seasons. However, the gospel seemed to have started speaking to him this time as a calmness and fearlessness overtook him like a Swaggert sermon. Pars at #1, #2, #5 and #8 just meant avoiding disaster in The Orchard would mean certain victory. Indeed a final door-slamming par at #13 put the victory on ice and the celebration began. “I thought about organizing a parade about the size the Pittsburgh Penguins just had, but the Town of New Minas had car accident and traffic issues Saturday afternoon, so I settled on a BBQ at Doug’s with my buddies.” said an elated Fisher. “Who wouldn’t trade that in to see Doug in crogs with socks?” said Fisher. “Seeing him like that changed the light I see him in now. Gone is the fiery coach and competitor to be feared, replaced now with that nerd in Grade 8 we all made fun of as kids.”

A three way battle (thank God it wasn’t a threesome) between The Commissioner, Grampy and Gary’s Biggest Johnson highlighted a tournament that Fred himself would have been proud. Johnson, inspired by his late buddy started a mid-round charge that included a dazzling birdie at #2, alas a triple bogey and #7 and double bogey at #8 rained on his parade that certainly would have caused a Freddie Meltdown. The Commissioner’s charge also fizzled after penalty strokes at #4 and #6 that prompted a tongue-lashing on course management from Grampy, a man who has trouble remembering what day of the week it is. Finally, Grampy himself drank from the Fountain of Youth once again this week, going even par through The Valley 5 only to have a string of bogies start at #5 and ending with a bogey saving 30 footer from off the grren on #9 that rattled off the flagstick creating a lovely 3 way tie for second. “You can’t put a price tag on luck.” said Grampy. “These guys think it’s some grand formula of swing mechanics and trust. All you have to do is believe and good things will happen. I am off to PEI in the morning for my 8th golf trip of the year, now leave me alone.”

Who’s HOT

Grampy Burke- Yet another Top 3 finish at The Herbin Experience has put the Windsor Spitfire 40+ points clear atop the FEDEX Cup Points race. His consistency to start the season is starting to rival that of a Holly Sonders form-fitting dress. There is no doubt he is hungry, primed, ready and in the mood to wear green next week.

Mr. October Fisher- A win this week at The Herbin and a T2 at last week’s Tootsies-Miami Cabaret mean that work has slowed down and golf concentration has risen. Don’t be fooled by his quiet demeanor because underneath lies the conscience of a killer. Someone once told me good things come in three’s…could a Masters title be the third bullet over the bow?

Mr. Wildcat Poirier- Nevermind a puzzling DQ at the Tootsies-Miami Cabaret, a T2 at the Avon Lea and a 4th at the Munich highlight a man on a mission to win his second major. He is in the “handicap sweet spot” and is coming off a trip to PEI that will no doubt have his game quietly in order once he returns to the hallowed grounds that are KenWo.

Who’s NOT

Doug “The 4th Reich”- Since cementing his plans to leave Tour early, Irwin’s game has left the building with his last 3 finishes being a 13th, T12 and a 12th place finish. I dare say his players in Germany would be skating “gasers” for days if they performed like him lately. Can he pull off a miracle in his last tournament of 2016 at The KWGA Masters? Probably not in Crogs.

Telley-Kelley- The usual fire has been missing from Kelley to start the 2016 season with nary a Top 3 and finishes of T10, 9th and T15 in his last 3 events. The driver consistency has been there as usual but the mid-short iron game has deserted a man who prides himself on good results. Rumour has it he will be hitting balls this week instead of his incessant chipping. Let there be light.

Maxwell-Smart- The best finish in the last month for this North Mountaineer has been a 6th at The Avon Lea for a man capable of much more. Maybe too much time chasing his dog from under his porch is the reason? Or could it be a reliance on a recently balky driver? Whatever the case, he can only go up from here.

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With the recent rash of high scoring from our membership, it got me to thinking, just what are the reasons? I refuse to believe it’s only because we are getting older, so let’s forget about the excuses guys! So in an effort to help improve your game the rest of the year, here are the Top 5 positive thoughts that will no doubt lower those scores.

#1  Hell, if Burkie can do it at 67 yrs old with a bicep that looks like a Brahma Bull’s testicle, I sure as hell should be able to!

#2  If Nick Carey can smile his way through a 104 this week, I should be able to laugh at my 3rd duck hook of the round!

#3  When things are going bad out on the course, think Holly Sonders during the US Open coverage…Pink, Blue or Red…which dress did I like most…Hmmmm. Does it F-&*^%& matter?

#4 Ya know, maybe my third wife was right after all.

and the last positive thought to lower those scores….

#5  Kevin hasn’t quit…why should I?

News, Notes & Quotes

-“Well I will be darned. The Commissioner got a Burkie.” ~Grampy   Following a wayward tee shot on #13 that ricocheted right off the trees and subsequent chip in for birdie from 75 feet that ended up winning a Rang. They all even out buddy.

-John Amirault now leads Rod Murray in 2016 KWGA Social Event appearances by a score of 1-0. Amirault is also ahead 3 hamburgers, 2 hot dogs and 1 mustard stained shirt.

-The Sheriff also set a KWGA record by becoming the first member to drive a power caddy into a pond. After parking his cart next to the 4th green and grabbing his putter, The Sheriff’s power caddy decided it needed to be cooled off. “We watched in vain as his golf bag meandered about 150 yards into the pond to the right of #5 tee.” said a bemused Commissioner. “Helpless wouldn’t do justice to how we all felt under our giggles. Personally, I am just glad nobody got hurt but he said later that his LGBT Rainbow card had been lost in the fracas.”

-THANKS FOR HOSTING A BBQ DOUG! Don’t worry, I have cleared concussion protocol and will be able to continue my golfing career after cracking my head 3 times on those low door casings in your home.

-HAPPY FATHER’S DAY TO ALL THE DADS IN OUR ASSOCIATION (and to those who may be dad’s and may not be aware). We hope you enjoy your day and are doing well on golf courses in PEI or parts unknown!

-Next week is the 4th annual KWGA Masters. It’s the founding tournament and most prestigious in our league. Nick Levy will be back to defend his title Do you have the balls to take it from him? I will be posting Masters articles & updates all week leading up to Saturday. SIGN UP DEADLINE IS MONDAY NIGHT AT 10PM. MAKE SURE YOU GET ON THE WEBSITE AND ENTER BY THEN! PLEASE BOOK A FEW EXTRA MINUTES IN YOUR DAY IN CASE YOU ARE IN A PLAYOFF!

Saturday in Picture