Woodworth Scary Heritage Champ!

In a season that has seen its fair share of epiphanies and surprises, one more smacked the KWGA upside its head Saturday morning. Like a lonesome cowboy roaming the plains foraging for meat, “Air Bud” Woodworth carted alone and used his steely nerve, signature chi rocks and a clutch par on the 18th hole to hold on down the stretch, securing his first career KWGA victory at The Heritage by one stroke over the game duo of Weasie and Fogg. His lead slipping after bogies at #16 and #17, Air Bud jingled and jangled in his pockets for just the right combination of patience, courage and nutsack. “My parents wouldn’t buy me chi rocks when I was a kid. They thought all that witchcraft stuff was craziness, so I had to substitute. I know people don’t want to know this, but when I am nervous, my tees and ball marker aren’t why I dig in my pockets.” said an elated Air Bud. “I have been working up to this all season and working on my game constantly but I think my ability to block out The Sheriff’s barbs all day was the key to my round. Nobody would ride in the f&^$^*^^ cart with me so I stuck it to them. Another $30 on my KenWo account…but this time it was well worth it.”

Just in front of Air Bud all day was the pairing of Weasie and Fogg who waged their own war on traditional golf and decorum. Though not blessed with syrupy swings or refined putting strokes, both found a way to be in contention Saturday once again. From afar, the duo looked like Jason from Friday the 13th and Freddy Krueger, lashing their clubs like chainsaws at teenagers but the results nobody can deny. The Fogg, coming off his victory last week at Tupper Lake, parred #2, bonged #3 and rammed in a bomb for birdie on #5 to jump start his round. Another birdie at #12 and the stage was set for another run at a title. However, The Fogg was sidetracked mentally on #14 by a visit from something clad in spandex and a disastrous triple bogey 8 on the par 5 dropped him out of the lead. “Those kinds of mental lapses are just who has made me who I am.” said a happy Fogg. “I can’t control that part of my brain, never could. Papa Bill tried to teach me tennis back in the day but I have the attention span of a fruit fly, so I moved on to basketball. Now it’s carried over to golf I think.”

The KWGA’s version of “Hack & Slash” fought gallantly but couldn’t pull out the victory at Saturday’s Heritage Championship.

For Weasie, his round lacked fireworks but contained a run of pars that strikes fear into his lower handicapped opponents. After a wobbly 44 Front 9, Weasie proceeded to par The Orchard to put himself in contention for more than a KWGA title. However, The Weasel’s par on #18 could not offset four consecutive bogies in The Valley and he was forced to settle for yet another Top 3 finish this season. His performance marked the 4th straight time in the Top 3 which has even The Weasel himself wondering if more money can be made on the golf course as opposed fish farming. “It’s just a matter of time before I break through.” said a dejected Weasel. “But ya know what? It took me 10 months of dating before I got to see my woman in her jammies, so this golf thing will take some time too. I can’t rush it. I tried to do that in High School and I always ended up playing videos games after those HS dances instead of seeing feminine laundry. I am OK with where I am at but I do know that I have a target on my back now. Guys are gunning for me.

“Who’s Hot! Who’s Not?”

~HOT~

The Fogg- Mike has followed up his strong showing at The Masters (5th) with a win (Tussle at Tupper Lake) and a T2 (The Heritage) taking him from 19th to 7th in FEDEX Standings.

Biggest Johnson- Although Johnson did not play yesterday due to yet another adult film commitment, Johnson’s last 3 events have been impressive with a T3 (Medford Mile), runner-up (Masters) and a T3 (Tupper Lake).

Third Legge- The KWGA’s quietest hangover has finished his last 2 events T5 (Tupper Lake) and 4th at yesterday’s Heritage. It’s just a matter of time before his first career win.

~NOT~

The Sheriff- After reaching #1 in the KWGA a month ago, The Sheriff has finished T12 (Masters), T14 (Tupper Lake) and 15th (The Heritage) dropping him to 4th in the standings. “The tabernacle choir has had me practicing on my larynx more than my golf game lately. I guess booze is hard on both now that I think of it.

Mr. Wildcat (formerly known as KKK)- Since changing his nickname, disaster has struck this Kentville product’s game, prompting him and many to re-think the change. His last 4 finishes (T14th, 20, T14, 13) are far below expectations this season. “I have it in me, now it’s just time to let things happen. If it doesn’t happen soon though, I’ll be breaking out the bed sheet with 2 eye holes again.

Denim Cowboy-Kenny- A slow start to his KWGA professional career (21st Masters, 11th Tupper Lake, T11 The Heritage) hasn’t taken the smile off of Kenny’s face. “I know this is a process…and if anyone could feel inside my hip right now, they would stop eating hamburger meat…forever.

“KWGA Men’s Health Corner”

The 2015 KWGA regular season has reached the midway point and that means the inevitable…injuries. With that, The Commissioner’s Office and it’s highly trained physiotherapy staff have been hard at work trying to both treat injuries…and prevent them. The following is just the tip of the iceberg to what’s available and supplied with each season’s $20 dues.

More than Moral Support- Forget all those cheap and cumbersome wraps and straps you can find over the counter at Shoppers Drug Mart. It’s time to really fortify the core which is truly what creates power in a golf swing. Drawbacks- Excessive sweating and feeling feminine.

Some of the KWGA’s finest model 2015’s version of golf fitness and injury prevention.

Stretching- The importance of stretching simply cannot be overstated. Those hamstrings and back just don’t have the elasticity that they once did. The Commissioner may look strange sometimes doing his stretching around the putting green before rounds…what goes on at home is even more impressive and difficult.  Go ahead, give them a try. Drawbacks- I can’t get up off the floor sometimes…and if the phone rings, I’m toast.

News, Notes & Quotes

-“TINGGGGGGGGG…..Arnie, sounds like it’s time for Round 3!”  Kelley’s tee shot on #3 careened off the metal tee collector 30 feet in front of him, making a noise that made it seem more like Joe Frazier and Muhammad Ali had just gotten off their stools for the Heavyweight Championship.

-Saturday’s Heritage marked the first time that a defending champion did not defend a KWGA title. After missing the sign-up deadline earlier in the week, Where’s Waldo spent Saturday collecting clams and shells on yet another sojourn to Scot’s Bay. Update: Harold felt so lost without him, he left KenWo immediately following the round to enter counselling for separation anxiety. (He saw the same therapist as The Hunchback did when Grampy left for his 2 month winter vacation in Myrtle Beach, SC.)

-The KWGA would like to send out a “Get well soon” to Double-Double. Last season’s FEDEX Champion has been laid up with some maladies and we hope to see you out on tour again soon. Plus, some of your students need some helpful tips…and I mean FAST!

-Next Saturday Harold is hosting a gathering in Aylesford Lake. Please make sure you sign up on the website ASAP so Harold can have some idea as to people attending.

Great fun again yesterday fellas…looking forward to seeing everyone again at KenWo and Harold’s next Saturday. To those going away this week, please have safe and enjoyable travels…and we will see you when you get back for the “Stretch Run for the FEDEX Playoffs!

~The Commissioner