THE FAVORITES…TEACHER’S PETS

GRAMPY BURKE (1-1)– You can’t win twice, finish in the Top 3 in six of seven events to start the season and not be considered the favorite. His dominance to start the year is as surprising as the tufts of hair that remain on that golden noggin of his. Throw in the fact that the Golf Gods shine down brightly on this Windsor spitfire and you have all the ingredients for a champion. His past Masters results are solid but not spectacular with a 4th, 6th and T9 and the the one unknown is just how well he played in PEI this week…and how much booze he may or may not have consumed.

Will we see this Saturday morning if Grampy’s Masters starts to slip away?

THE BIGGEST JOHNSON (2-1)– Ok, so it’s not normal a retired adult film star should be considered a favorite at an event that is steeped in tradition and culture. However, they haven’t met Gary Johnson. Johnson has finished T1 and T2 in two of his last 3 KWGA events and finished T2 in last years Masters. He is in the handicap “sweet spot” and has played lights out all season, currently sitting at 4th in the FEDEX Cup Standings in only 5 events. All signs point to this Hantsport hand grenade slipping on the green jacket. “I’m not getting any younger and I want to be able to brag for many years. This is my time.” ~Johnson

MR. OCTOBER FISHER (3-1)– Fisher broke through last week at The Herbin and is another golfer in the handicap sweet spot, currently sitting second in FEDEX Cup standings.  The major goal will be to avoid any big numbers and if he hits 2-3 putts, this one could be over before the boats even get docked in Aylesford Lake. However, past Masters have not been kind to him with a 16th and 7th and how he deals with being a favorite to win will go a long way. This isn’t bidding for and building million dollar buildings…this is brick by brick competition.

MR. WILDCAT POIRIER (4-1)– All this Kentville product does is fight like a bulldog shot by shot. The veneer may have dimmed over the last 6 months but he still is a FEDEX Cup finalist and has 2 Top 3’s in just 4 events on Tour this season. Throw out last year’s 20th place finish in The Masters as rookies have never fared well in this event. Battle tested and motivated after a DQ in his last event, Poirier has the handicap and game to shoot a 66 net, a score that would be difficult to beat on Saturday.

KNOCKING ON “THE GREEN DOOR”

AIR BUD WOODWORTH (5-1)– Nobody ever mentions a flying dog when it comes to the KWGA. Woodworth calmly smiles through and past his competition on a weekly basis, never making any enemies. However, what everyone is missing is that he would throw “chin music” to his grandmother if it meant a strikeout. Air Bud finished T17 in his first Masters last year but currently sits 7th in the FEDEX Cup for a reason. With last years learning experience out of the way the sky is the limit. “I hope to wear green this weekend. It’s the only colour my girlffriend hasn’t allowed me to wear to bed in 12 months.”

Tempers were frayed during Wednesday’s practice round as The Commissioner and Double Double tried to rectify their differences at the Par 5 14th.

DOUBLE-DOUBLE ELLIOTT (6-1)– The man who dominated the 2014 season has started to look like himself again recently and hasn’t been this motivated since Gordie Smith called him a Nerd on the 4th green of his famous amateur match of yesteryear. A 74 on Men’s Night Wednesday means a 60’s net score is again possible and nobody can stare down the ugly face of golfing fear like Double-Double which will make him tough to beat in the final 5 holes. He has been counted out since net scoring was introduced 2 seasons ago but this could be just what the doctor ordered.

THE COMMISSIONER (7-1)- Two Top 3’s in three Masters appearances and he currently sits at 3rd in the FEDEX Cup Standings. Do things really come in 3’s? Ford has recently flashed his potent long game with 4 eagle looks in his last 3 rounds and his new hybrid has been a Par 5 boon, giving him a competitive edge. However, the pressure of organizing 24 semi-retarded and dysfunctional men is a heavy weight on what is supposed to be a calm and peaceful Saturday morning. There is no secret with The Commissioner, if his driver is in the fairway, the course becomes easy, if not, then start up the car and slam the trunk.

CHRIS “INSPECTOR GADGET” RUSHTON (8-1)– Masters rookies don’t usually fare well but this one has started to show signs that his game and handicap have melded like one his his BBQ prime rib steaks on a sunny Valley evening. Quietly he is 9th in FEDEX Cup Standings coming off a T6 at last week’s Herbin and has been trending in the right direction in recent weeks. Throw in his non-stop rivalry with Team Carey and Fisher and you have all the makings of bragging rights for a decade. “I’ve been dreaming of slipping on that green jacket since my application to join the KWGA was accepted. They’ll have no choice but to respect me if I win.”

RENE “SHOOTER” MacKAY (8-1)– I haven’t seen this man play so much golf or hit so many balls on the range since his wife kicked him out of the house for forgetting their anniversary The Shooter has only played Majors the last 2 seasons but plays them well with a 3rd, 5th and 9th in his last 3 Masters. Appearance fees and expectations have made him a prima donna this week in the public’s eye but you can’t undersell his ability to putt and get up and down. If he is wearing his favorite green shirt Saturday…Look the *^*&^* out.

I’M NOT A DONKEY…I CAN PLAY TOO

KEVIN “THE HUNCHBACK” NEWCOMBE (9-1)- Without question the hardest man to handicap coming in this week. The list of obstacles and variables to sift through is simply too great to list in one paragraph. Recent struggles have masked the start to his 2016 season which included a win at the Skoal Bandits and a T1 at the Gigglers Invitational. He has finished 9th both times in his two career Masters appearances but has the ability and handicap to shot a 65 net if the feelings are positive. If not, break out the bug spray and Pinnacles because his group will be going on some Nature Hikes. However, just when you count him out…

NICK WASZCZUK-CAREY (10-1)– Nobody smiles through the face of golfing disaster like Nick Carey. He simply has no golf worries. That will undoubtedly be a good thing for a Masters rookie playing his last tournament on Tour until August as he leaves to continue his pursuit of Sasquatch in Northern BC for the next 4-5 weeks. Waszczuk-Carey doesn’t need to do anything other than avoid disaster Saturday and he could very well wear green when the day is done. If he makes 1-2 birdies, we can all turn out the lights and empty our pockets like this wildlife enthusiasts who pay to stay at his Northern BC resort.

BARRY BANISTER-HENNIGAR (10-1)– Nobody tries to make the Bluenose Cup team more than Barry B. If he put as much effort into winning a KWGA FEDEX Cup title he would have won it twice already. His swing never changes which is an anomaly in th KWGA and he has finished 7th and 4th in his two career KWGA Masters. Perhaps the best betting value based on past performance. His 83 in Wednesday’s Men’s Night knocked him down this list a bit, and maybe foolishly. “I can’t change people’s perception of me. All I can do is play hard. And oh, by the way, I have to leave by 12:30pm Saturday…”

MARK “THE SHARK” GAVIN (11-1)– He will no doubt have the sexiet cut uniform Saturday and that golden boy smile as he tees of #1. This is a major champion too after winning last years Players Championship going away. However, his Masters record has been solid but unspectacular with a 7th and two 8th place finishes in his career. Just where he has been over the last 2 weeks is also a mystery but his driver will make or break his day no matter where he has been. “I’ve been saying my prayers, eating my vitamins and if Simmons shows up, I will break him down with my own sense of fashion if I can’t win the golf tournament.”

Hacksaw Schofield and Mr. October Fisher share a delicate moment at Thursday’s Masters practice area.

TREVOR “HACKSAW” SCHOFIELD (12-1)– I know what you are thinking…a rookie winning The Masters? However, The Hacksaw has started to see golfing light once again after a steady diet of 70’s rounds once again lately. The “Mind Freak” has turned the corner after taking the last 2 seasons off to honeymoon. His FEDEX Cup season hasn’t been noteworthy but I am playing a hunch here that a Top 5 is not out of the question, especially if you get him started talking about Black Magic…or his signature 1970’s porno beard.

BRENT “WEASIE” LOCKE (13-1)– You can’t ignore someone with a 14 handicap who has this much game…and a smile that shuts out the lights. Weasie finished 3rd in last years Masters but has been off the KWGA radar the last month so nobody knows what to expect from him come Saturday…including Weasie himself. Nobody has taken in so many children that his home looks like an orphanage, so golf worry will be the last thing on his mind. That just may be the tonic to winning a Masters. Plus he needs the tournament winnings for diapers and Similac.

OUTSIDE SHOTS…OR STEPH CURRY @ 2016 NBA FINALS

BOB MAXWELL-SMART (14-1)– Past champions usually don’t fall this far down the list. Maxwell-Smart won the first ever KWGA Masters in 2013 in a sudden death playoff with Where’s Waldo Murray in what can only be considered a classic. A tie for 14th last year and some recent struggles with his driver have pushed this proud man out of contention many weeks on Tour this season. However, he has shot in the low 70’s before and is one member who prepares pre-round. If he can muster a rythm early and make a few birdies, we could be talking about the first two-time Masters champion.

ROD “WHERE’S WALDO” MURRAY (15-1)– They don’t make ’em like Rod Murray anymore. The only man to ever have a drink named after him in KenWo history arrives at KenWolia Lane with zero expectations from the patrons or media in 2016. The focus simply hasn’t been there to begin 2016 and some have started to wonder if he can compete for titles anymore since winning The Heritage in 2014 with a KWGA record 67 gross. Numbers mean nothing here it’s all about what side of the bed Waldo wakes up on Saturday morning…and if that sleeping gas mask was securely snug the night before.

JOHN “THE SHERIFF” AMIRAULT (16-1)– Nobody surprised more in 2015 than the stiff-gripped ripper Johnny Bum-stinger. He had an “awakening” season that sold books that made the New York best-seller list. However, 2016 has been a return to golfing purgatory and the focus has waned as his outside earnings continue to skyrocket. If he can trust himself and get his focus back, with his handicap, a win is possible. If not, keep a close eye on that remote controlled cart of his…it could end up in an on course toilet this week instead of a pond.

The 4th Reich lines up a par putt during a practice round at The Masters Thursday.

DOUG “THE 4TH REICH” IRWIN (17-1)– His 2016 swan song will be at Saturday’s Masters, an opportunity to salvage a 2016 season that has been as pleasant as pissing blood and kidney stones. Nobody will ever question his competitive spirit and not many KWGA’ers have played in the final group of a Club Championship, so the mental ability is there. However, he hasn’t finished inside the Top 10 in an event in a month and will be hard pressed to find lightning in a bottle on a course that cries out for spinning and stopping the ball on quickly hardening KenWo greens.

THE DOOR IS GREEN?

NICK “CAPTAIN SHITACULAR” LEVY (18-1)– A defending champion has never had such low odds or been given this little respect since Wayne Burke’s last goal in old-timers hockey. Levy shocked the KWGA last year with his win and many are comparing it to Wile e Coyote catching the Road Runner. Couple that with the fact that wife Levy begged the Commissioner to “take that ugly trophy out of my house please” and you have some issues with winning. However, don’t discount this man’s fire or desire as he teamed with the esteemed D-Mac MacKinnon Tuesday to iron out the kinks in his swing.

MIKE “THE FOGG” WHITE (19-1)– The man is a multiple winner on Tour and he finished T5 at last years Masters in his coming out party of sorts. When he hits that driver right its an explosion that compares to a Peter North money shot. When its not, well, you get the idea. The results have not been there to start the 2016 season as The Fogg would admit himself. However, what a story it would be, if White could put it all together and win one for Wolfville’s Coach and Teacher forever, Dr. Bill.

ARNIE TELLEY-KELLEY (20-1)– Nobody grinds harder than Telley-Kelley. It’s his innate ability to manage the course with his skills that has made him who he is today. He may not think he is a golfer but nobody uses their mind to get as much out of their talent as he does. He tied for 5th in last years Masters but has struggled mightily with an eye injury to start 2016. The driver accuracy is still there and three-putting has not been a concern, so if he can hit 12 greens Saturday, we would have a Cinderella Story. I am cheering for you buddy.

TOM “FONDA” THOMSON (25-1)– He hasn’t swung a golf club in 2016. Do I really need to write a paragraph? He’s my big brother so I am going to anyway. The strength of his game has always been a sneaky ability to hit the fairway with his driver. It will be the finer points if the game that will cause torment on the no doubt slick greens he will face Saturday. This aint guiters and singing big brother, this is tournament golf.

The Sheriff made sure that nobody took golf and The Masters too seriously as preparations for Saturday intensified.