You couldn’t make this stuff up if you tried. Just one year removed from an epic collapse in the 2015 FEDEX Cup Finals, Kentville’s Prodigal Son, KK The Angry Bird, turned “tarred and feathered” into majestic flight with a redemptive win for the ages at Saturday’s KWGA Tour Championship with a three stroke victory over Air Bud Woodworth. Entering the playoffs as the first alternate, nobody expected much from the Kentville bred and Halifax dweller. Proving that chances are precious and golf precision fast fleeting, The Angry Bird found lighting in a bottle, completing a three week odyssey to the top of the KWGA pecking order and winning his first FEDEX Cup. “This was my goal from the beginning. I would rather have had Grampy’s scalp today after what he did to me last season, but Air Bud’s scalp is worth something to me just the same.” said KK. “I can’t remember how many times he tripped me and called me nerd in the hallways of KCA growing up. That should finally put an end to all of that I hope.”

With the SPCA looking on nervously, the two former KCA vertebrates pecked and clawed each other verbally before teeing off #1 early Saturday as a very cold and frosty sunrise began to melt away. “The two sounded like twin toddlers fighting over mother’s milk, bickering and bantering about whose driver was longer.” said a bemused Commissioner. “It was too bad the rest of the lads in the league didn’t get to see and hear it. Alas, that would be impossible because most in the KWGA wouldn’t know the directions to the driving range if they were tatted on their lover’s caboose…or shaved into their mother’s back for that matter.” With emotions at their peak, the duel began.

Both men looked tight to begin as both managed double bogies before reaching the 4th tee. Matching Front Nine 42’s meant that The Bird still held a 3 stroke advantage and that all would be decided on the Back Nine as all good competitions should. Air Bud flew the coup and the green on #10 and was unable to get up and down increasing The Bird’s lead to 4 strokes. Both men parred #11, #12 and #13 with the flash points coming as they headed into The Valley. Two Air Bud Bombs landed him on the front edge of #14 green but 70+ feet for eagle. Alas a 3 putt par would gain him nary a stroke as The Bird drained a solid 6 footer for par to keep The Dog at bay. A 7 iron to 14 feet on #15 gave rise to more hope for Air Bud, alas his trickling downhill putt rudely did a 270 degree turn as it lipped the cup. The Bird’s tidy “up and down” from off the green meant that nothing would be gained, pars for both men. “I had a feeling it was meant to be for KK after those two holes.” said an onlooking Commissioner.  “Air Bud didn’t gain a a stroke after 3 gorgeous shots on #14 & #15, deflating I am sure. Then KK teed off #16…and it smelled all too much like an aroma I am all too familiar with…Wayne Burke.” Indeed, The Bird blocked his powerful drive dead into the trees to the right on #16, but a funny thing happened…the ball careened back into the fairway, like an angel had intercepted fate. “I’ve seen 10,000 balls go on that line and maybe 3 have bounced the way KK’s ball did there.” said a downtrodden Air Bud. “The guy had the magic wand out in The Valley. Pretty disgusting actually.” The Bird would make a solid bogey on the devilish 16th and distance himself by another stroke after an Air Bud bladed iron from the middle of #17 fairway.

The final two holes were anti-climatic as The Bird would keep The Dog at bay with a par at #17 and an escape from the left woods on #18 for bogey and a 3 shot victory. The win was the end of a season long quest for personal redemption and validation that there is room in any league for the short and mighty. “I took a lot of heat for my loss last season.” said a beaming Bird. “I travel all week and show up in Saturday’s with whatever game I have that day. It’s not the best formula but it’s all I have time for right now. I would also like to thank Gary Johnson for withdrawing from the playoffs, I wouldn’t have had a chance to redeem myself without him bailing, so I have sent a couple cases of Red Bull to his home. Hopefully his wife will like the perfume I sent along with it.”

For Air Bud, the day was a frustrating one. Just a day earlier he shot an easy 75 during a tune up round but that seemed like a million years had passed by Saturday afternoon. However, 2016 was a positive one for Air Bud as he qualified for the playoffs for the second consecutive season along with three Top 3 finishes on the year. “I found some mojo for the playoffs and gave KK a run today. He just wouldn’t open the door for me much today and my start was terrible.” said a frustrated Air Bud. “It’s hard to battle through 18 weeks and get to a finals, so taking advantage of opportunities for KWGA immortality is paramount. Maybe if I had not poked him on the range, or tripped him so much in the hallways growing up this would not have happened. I don’t know. I am going home now. Time to get ready for the Intercontinental season.”

KWGA FEDEX CUP CHAMPIONS

2016 KEVIN POIRIER

2015 WAYNE BURKE

2014 GERRY ELLIOTT

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Time has a way of healing all wounds. At least that’s what some say. After a season of disappointment and turmoil the TV legend himself, Bobbert Maxwell-Smart made sure people remembered his name with a resounding gross 73 (net 65) and a two stroke victory over The “Ball Constrictor” Sheriff and 4 shots over a trio of KWGA behemoths at Saturday’s KWGA Tour Championship. The victory was proof-positive that preparation and mental toughness equals success. Maxwell-Smart would put both on display on the perfectly manicured greens with 2 birdies and a Front Nine 35 that threw down a gauntlet of pain for the rest of the field. “I’ve been hitting a lot of fairways and greens lately and today it finally paid off.” said a matter of fact Maxwell-Smart. “This hasn’t been my best season on Tour and it was time I get something on the board with hunting season fast approaching. The KWGA will see me as much as my wife in the next month. I go from looking at a ball that doesn’t move to fur and feathers that run like hell in every direction. If anyone likes rabbit meat, just give me a call.”

Like the elusive rabbits he so loves to pursue, Maxwell-Smart started fast Saturday with a birdie at #2 and another at #8 that put the North Mountain Ranger in a tie for the lead as he made the Turn. After some raisins and nuts and a pep talk from Emma at said Turn, he kept on doing what he is known for, making par after par. Five in a row in fact from #11 to #15 but he still couldn’t shake the Sheriff, a man who has been on a personal mission of debauchery in the season’s final month. The Sheriff’s improbable birdies at the Par 3 13th and 15th holes meant the two stood tied at -7 standing on #16 tee. Maxwell-Smart would go +1 gross over the final 3 holes while The Sheriff reminded us all why he grabs his crotch so much. Finishing +4 gross over the final 3 holes, the Sheriff had much reason to check and see if there was indeed anything in that sack of his. The two shot victory was Maxwell-Smart’s second of the year (first solo) and a cherry on top of an otherwise blase’ campaign. “I know a lot is expected of me but I have a lot of responsibilities. Mail, dogs, wife, children and all the other wildlife that surrounds me up there on the mountain.” said an elated Maxwell-Smart. “I’ve been chased by so many dogs, rolled my ankle on uneven gravel roads that this golf thing isn’t so stressful. That’s the advantage I have. Plus I had the Sheriff as my nearest suitor all day. That’s a lot less stress.”

Not to be outdone or forgotten himself, Grampy found his name near the top of the lederboard and in position to win Saturday after a dominating season that somehow went sour. Maybe it’s the ever-increasing gas bills from his big truck and fancy Mercedes. Maybe it’s Kevin’s newfound love for Old-timers softball and not him, who knows? A gorgeous birdie at #12 put him one shot off the lead at -6 giving rise to “Super Senior Power” once again. However, his phone rang on #13 tee and a double bogey would take back all of the hard work, dropping him 3 shots back. Even a birdie at #14 could not spur another comeback. “I really do have to put that thing away. Maybe when I retire and finally sell that business I will shoot my age. Right now there are too many brown lawns to ignore, too many vehicles to pay for and too many dependents (3) so that will have to wait.”

Also having solid tournaments were The Commissioner and The Angry Bird but neither would make a Back Nine charge. One golfer was too focused on winning the FEDEX Cup while the other was focused on not having a panic attack over delivered trophy’s, rang calculations, pink basket retrieval, explaining what Intercontinental means, not to mention a balky iron game. “People wonder why I sweat so much on the golf course. It has nothing to do with golf.” said an exhausted Commissioner. “I know when I get upstairs to the bar after the round there will be 15 eyes staring and 30 fangs ready to sink their teeth into me after a sleepless Friday night. Now I know what a stripper goes through on a nightly basis. But it’s all worth it in the end. At least Rod has stopped calling me every Saturday around 6pm…He’s learned I am fast asleep by then.”

.The Intercontinental Season (6 Tournaments Sept-Oct)

There still seems to be some confusion about this part of our schedule. The FEDEX Cup was moved to finish the first week of September because it became clear that a lot of you find other pursuits once Labour Day weekend passed. Therefore a “second” season was created. A second chance at glory. Coined after legendary wrassler Randy “Macho Man” Savage and his 10 year reign as WWF Intercontinental Champion, Savage was well renowned at the best wrassler behind Hulk Hogan. That’s what the KWGA Intercontinental season is, a second chance, a best of the rest title. Here is how it works.

1.) SCORING SYSTEM– The same as the FEDEX Cup Point system. Points for a Win right down to 16th place.

2.) PLAYOFFS– The Top 4 (+ties) point-getters from the first 5 events qualify for the Intercontinental Finals. Best net score during that round is crowned Intercontinental Champion.

LET’S HAVE SOME FUN WITH THIS!

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NEWS, NOTES & QUOTES

-“It was almost like KK was touched by God…or Burkie himself.” ~Air Bud

-An early HAPPY BIRTHDAY to Gerry Elliott who celebrates his big day this Friday!

-“Look, did you see that? Kevin thinks he’s a star because he hit a single in an Old Timer Softball League. He gave up KWGA golf for that? At least Harold had a good excuse. HE had to move his daughter to university!”