~2018 FEDEX CUP FINAL~

SILENT ASSASSIN

Biggest Johnson Claims the ’18 Cup

AP- New Minas, NS    Cinderalla can come in all shapes, sizes and even have five o’clock shadows in some parts of the world, like in New Minas, Nova Scotia where the KWGA’s Biggest Johnson avoided missing his midnight curfew by winning the 2018 FEDEX Cup Saturday afternoon at venerable Ken-Wo GC. The amazing run of the 12^th and lowest seed would not strike midnight as he toppled KWGA sniper Maxwell-Smart with a comfortable three stroke victory and his place in KWGA history. The duo both entered the final a bit rusty after taking some time off to travel aimlessly (Johnson) and polish and test weapons for the fall hunt (Maxwell). “This is a dream come true.” said a beaming Johnson as he sipped at his post-game toddy. “When people look at me from afar I know they don’t think champion but that’s what I am now. This is the hardest trophy to win in the KWGA. A full season to qualify and then you have to survive three weeks with guys taking their best shots at you. I came in under the radar and I think that worked to my advantage these last few weeks. Nobody had any confidence in me to win as the pre-finals voting poll showed. I guess I showed them what pre-retirement looks like…and that’s really bad news for these guys heading forward. Now if you will excuse me, I feel like taking the long way home in my convertible.”

Johnson and Maxwell share a moment before teeing off Saturday morning.

The tension was palpable as the duo nervously exchanged fake happy greetings early Saturday morning but one thing was clear, this wasn’t going to be anything like Triple G vs Canelo Alvarez for the Middleweight Championship of the world. No blows were going to be exchanged, no vicious uppercuts or head bunts. Just drivers, wedges and putters, but as Maxwell would discover early, sometimes mental pain is just as damaging as an Alvarez uppercut. With seven strokes of handicap cushion to play with, Johnson would have the head start in this fight and pars at #1 and #2 served notice to Maxwell that he would be up against the ropes all day. Maxwell would gain one stroke back with a par at #3 but Johnson would gain two back when Maxwell played volleyball with the trees at the Par 5 6^th hole, finding the timber  to the left of the green. After an inglorious three putt to complete the hole, the resulting double bogey would give Johnson an eight stroke lead as they headed to the 7^th tee. “A big blow there.” said a downcast Maxwell from his hunting blind high above the North Mountain. “I usually birdie that hole and I think Mulroney was Prime Minister the last time Gary birdied that hole. If things just play out to form there, I walk off that green cutting into the lead. As it turned out, I lose two and my mind started to wander to shooting rabbits nervously skittering across snow-capped hills.” Maxwell would get one back at #8 but the duo both carded Front Nine 39 gross scores meaning nothing had changed since the first tee.

The lead down to four as they exit the 12th green.

However, the bleeding would begin in The Orchard for Johnson as the Hants County Brad Marchand lover would traverse it +3 after a costly double at the 12^th hole. The lead was down to four as the duo walked past the grounds crew’s attempt at making the Par 3 13^th hole viewable from the tee, just 37 years overdue. With the smell and sight of burning timber and the crashing of heavy machinery in the foreground they would tee off the 14^th hole with Maxwell having all of the momentum. However, calamity would strike Maxwell as the wabbit would turn the gun on Elmer Fudd. The culprit would be the sand trap guarding the right side of the green. Maxwell-Smart’s attempt to exit the sand would lead to a chunked wedged, a chip on and a missed four footer that would lead to a dream-killing double bogey seven. “I can’t let that happen there but that’s a scary shot, staring at the woods behind the green with not much sand to work with.” said a befuddled Maxwell-Smart. Gary made a solid par there and really nailed me to my hunting blind. As Bill McCullough used to say on Grand Prix Wrasslin’ broadcasts back in the day…”That’s all she wrote.” Maxwell-Smart would also double bogey the 15^th hole stretching Biggest Johnson’s margin back to seven strokes.

Johnson’s victory lap home following his 2018 FEDEX Cup title.

With the contest no longer in doubt, Johnson would let down his guard at the 18^th with a drive into the creek and a pond ball for good measure for an ugly triple bogey while Maxwell-Smart picked up his big boy pants with a pretty birdie to finish his day. The four shot swing on the hole only put a swirl of whipped cream on a steaming, burning, stinking pile of a doe’s finest forest droppings. Johnson’s win was the end of a long 21 weeks of competition and the biggest feather in his cap since the day he found someone to marry him. “Championships like this are purposefully made difficult.” said Johnson as he illegally parked in Grampy’s parking space adjacent to the club storage entrance. “It just makes the nectar sweeter. Sure, I caught a break just getting into th playoffs when it got rained out Week 1…but I was on the tee and played that day…unlike some who had qualified Top 8. Nobody will remember that 2, 5, 10 years from now. Hats off to Bobby. He came out week after week and put a beating on us the last month or so with a high level of golf. Today was just my day. I will be hosting shuffleboard, billiards and indoor golf tournaments all winter if any of you want a crack at me in something you can actually beat me in. Just call me Champ.”

“I’m Gonna Run To You…”

Bannister-Hennigar clips the tape at The Tour Championship

Bryan Adams may have wrote the song but he certainly could not have envisioned Port Williams’ guitar pickin’, marathon runnin’, golfing savant winning three tournaments in one season, but that’s exactly what happened at Saturday’s FEDEX season ending Tour Championship. Bannister-Hennigar nipped playing partner Double-Double and Where’s Waldo for a one stroke victory and a clumsy finishing Commissioner by two in a finish only the Cleveland Browns could manage to mangle. “It’s good to get the win for sure.” said a wine-sipping Hennigar from his bar stool at the Port Pub. “I didn’t know what was going on in the other groups nor did I have time for that with a whirlwind finish from Double-Double. Have you ever been idling at a red light, looked in the rear view mirror to check your hair only to see a Mack truck hurtling toward your back bumper? That was me in The Valley today, watching Double-Double impart his version of Behind Barry’s Green Door, scary yet exciting at the same time.”

A front nine 36 gross was one stroke better than North America’s earliest retired golf professional and good for a four stroke cushion as they headed to the back nine. Hennigar would then find birdies at both #12 and #14 sending a jolt through Double-Double’s steely veneer. “It was a difficult and uncomfortable moment for me.” said a concerned Double-Double. “Anytime you have to watch a man putt with his legs THAT far apart, an then for him to make those putts on me ta boot, well, let’s just say I didn’t have to deal with those kinds of things on the CPGA level. Guys had normal stances and normal ways of doing things. That’s not Barry.” Seemingly spurred by some inner being, Double-Double had his finest finish of the season with a 4-4-3 finish to the track’s closing three holes. The two birdies forced Hennigar to scrape home with a bogey five that was good enough to hold off his closest attacker. Just one group behind was Where’s Waldo and his recaptured golf prowess, an Awakenings of sort a la Robert DeNiro in a film with the same name. His canary yellow garb could be seen from fairway afar while his wrap around “blue blocker” shades hid just how good he was playing from the rest of the field. A pedestrian 39 gross front nine was followed by a back nine 37 gross that included a birdie at 8B. However, bogies at #14, #15 and #16 dropped him 1 shot back and pars and #17 and #18 could not save his lucky yellow shirt. “I’ve been playing much better, nobody has really noticed but it’s coming.” said a matter of fact Waldo. “I don’t go hunting, play ice hockey or play ground hockey in the streets anymore so I will be able to concentrate on golf right to the end of the golf season. There are plenty more chances for me.”

“Senior Seed”

Grampy Wins First Ever KWGA Pearl Necklace

Unless you have been living under a rock, hadn’t checked the Pearl Necklace standings all year or even clicked on your task list under your player profile page, you would know that the Valley’s loveable and cantankerous Grampy won the KWGA’s Pearl Necklace Saturday with a score of 21 pearl points, “edging” out a game Fogg (18 points), Mr. October and Maxwell-Smart (17 points). The season long competition took the place of a stale ringer board game and gave an honest test for all handicap levels within our league. Grampy made a second half charge and took the lead for good after his 70 gross at The Barclays Championship, a round that checked off many unique and key tasks. So go ahead Grampy, enjoy the fruits of your labour and let the boys know you can still walk, run, jump and be merry with men who can actually still hit the ceiling once in a while. Congrats buddy…

A presentation will be made in the near future cementing this accomplishment. Stay tuned.

News, Notes & Quotes

*”There was enough air to make it worth my while.” ~Air Bud   Complaining of cramps after just two holes of play, Air Bud was forced to make a pit stop at Ken-Wo’s lavatory adjacent to #3 fairway. After a perfectly placed tee shot to the left side of said fairway, Air Bud rejoined his group on the green. His quote was in response to being asked how he had made out in the lavatory.

*It’s 4 degrees and snowing FFS!” ~4th Reich   The less than cryptic text from Doug from his vacation destination in central Alberta Saturday afternoon. Was great weather here Doug ole boy!

*Three events left to qualify for the season-ending Intercontinental Final Four. The top four point getters will battle October 13 for the right to be called Intercontinental Champion!

Let’s finish 2018 strong! See you on Saturday!

~The Commissioner