Under the category “Go Figure!”, KWGA Sweat Hog Brent Locke claimed the 2015 Welcome Back Kotter Klassic in runaway fashion Saturday afternoon with a 6 shot victory at sun-splashed KenWo GC. Voted by his Junior High Class of 1986 as the least likely to get his Grade 10, it was ironic that the man known as Weasie took home the “Back to School” week event. It was a sweet victory for a man who had knocked on the door all season with four Top 3 finishes without a title. Looking more like Mr. Kotter than one of his sweat hogs, Locke dawned his vest on a chilly Front 9, parring five of the first seven holes en route to an outward nine 40. The Orchard 4 were a bit shaky and featured a bogey at #10 and a double at #12 but Weasie managed to steady the ship with pars at the difficult 15th, 16th and 18th holes to cruise to victory. In fact, the par on #16 was good enough for an $18 rang and a stop at Hennigar’s Farm Market following his round for double scoop ice cream cones for his travelling gallery. His gallery included “wife, child and girlfriend” when asked following the round, a statement that seemed to garner more respect from his peers than his golf victory.

As Locke commented at his post-round news conference, “I know everyone was thinking that I looked like Hugh Hefner, travelling to today’s tournament with two hot women but this is 2015 and things are different in our society now. However, I don’t want people getting the wrong idea or anything. It’s not like we have naked volleyball every night in the backyard like Hef does. It feels good to win though. It’s been a long time coming and I knew I could do it. I just had to stop paying attention to Harold’s golf tips and all the laughing at my golf swing.”

Another burgeoning Hefner made a cameo appearance on tour this week and made a splash with a runner-up finish. A newly bearded and wide-eyed member of the Canning Legion, Jeff “Third” Legge found some free time Saturday and threw up a pair of 39’s on each nine that included a stunning birdie on #15 that was good for a rang. Nobody quite knew what to expect after a 5 week absence to pursue “all his camping dreams”. Legge simply replaced his tools this week from a swiss army knife and flashlight to red hot irons and putter. “I hear the whispers. I know what is being said behind my back.” said an amused Third Legge. “Like I am the only one who camps 5 weekends in a row? Pfffffft. Some of us can’t afford the Hyatt in Charlottetown OK? I am not Air Bud. These guys on tour are just lucky I am not in the FEDEX Playoffs. Not only do I know how to do a hot dog roll for two in a sleeping bag…I know how to play good golf.”

Rounding out the Top 3 and taking back his rightful spot atop the FEDEX standings was The Hunchback Newcombe, who laughed and cajoled his way to a +2 round, cementing his spot in the playoffs. Newcombe’s play Saturday was a microcosm of his season, lots of deep breathing, contact, leaning to the left or right and finally a swig from his wine skin. A triple bogey on #16 was followed by a double at #17 and any chance of victory slipped away. All this after a difficult week that saw him go back to work… his only comment before teeing off Saturday was, “I think I am getting too old to be around 10 year olds.” You are right Kevin, but it’s not just 10 year olds who have a difficult time relating to you, so don’t feel like you are being deceived.

FEDEX Cup Report

“The Low Down”

So what was decided on Saturday?

(a) Three players qualified for the playoffs and are guaranteed to be in the Final 8 on Saturday September 19. (Kevin Newcombe, John Amirault, Mark Gavin).

(b) Three players outside of the Top 8 still have a mathematical chance to make the playoffs.

Brent Locke- Will need a win or no worse than a runner-up finish, then will need Rod Murray, Mike White, Wayne Burke and Kevin Poirier to finish at or near the bottom at the Twin Towers Memorial.

Kevin Poirier- Will need a Top 3 while still finishing ahead of two out of the three ahead of him (Murray, White and Burke) to have a chance. This is not out of the realm of possibility.

Wayne Burke- Grampy needs to finish 2 placings ahead of Mike White to qualify…that’s if Kevin Poirier doesn’t garner 4 more points than Grampy at the Twin Towers Memorial.

Fisher, Thomson and Woodoworth could also be knocked out of the playoffs by finishing at the bottom next week with the likes of Murray, White, Burke, Poirier and Locke finishing at the top!

Lots of intrigue and math for sure! The bottom line is…this is exciting! Embrace the moment…and remember…this is for fun! You aren’t truly winning $10 million like Jason Day. Just a trophy.

Gerry’s Excellent Adventures

~Anonymous

Venice locals welcomed the 2014 KWGA FEDEX Cup Champion in regal fashion. “I never knew my reign as champion would take me around the world. This has been an incredible ride. It’s sad that it’s coming to an end. To think these people have to paddle to the golf course every day reminds me just how lucky I am…I love my truck.” ~Double-Double

Saturday saw the return on tour of 2014 FEDEX Champion Double-Double Elliott, a man becoming more known for his passport than his ball-striking. After touring China with Grampy earlier this year, and a clandestine voyage to Domincana, all in a search of adoptable babies, Double-Double was back at his Travelling Wilbury ways in August, this time to the city that doesn’t have wheels, Venice, Italy. The shock of this reality was genuine and written all over Double-Double’s face Saturday morning….a shock that was preventable which made the moment that much more enjoyable to hear on the putting green before teeing off. No, you won’t find a Chevy Tahoe rumbling through any streets…just the gentle whirl of spinning water there my friend. I guess we know whose parents didn’t order those Encyclopedia Britannica’s when you were a child.

Venice is steeped in history of course and not like Windsor at all. It’s a place where pizza was born, real pizza. Not bacon wrapped crusts and donair meat with tonnes of bitter sauce. No my friends, real pizza. Not 2am delivery in a soggy cardboard box. Real pizza. Not that gluey dough from Kraft. Real pizza my friends. (Jesus save me if you didn’t try the pizza while there my friend!). I am sure you had your eyes opened while there…and maybe even had wet socks a few times. Sometimes it’s better to get wet…than never attempting to swim I say!

Gerry, your reign as champ may be coming to an end in 2015…but you are a champion at heart. Thank-you for representing us around the world and being an ambassador and proponent of world travel, winter golf simulation, free appetizers/alcohol, Super Bowl / Pool Parties and provider of Major Championship frames.

PS…Golf is a fickle game…being fickle is a choice.

~Anonymous

News, Notes & Quotes

~Good luck to those participating in the Coors Light 2 Man Scramble next weekend. Concentrate, Communicate and above all, no excessive drinking Saturday night between Round 1 and 2. Maybe then you will become the second KWGA tandem to win a Coors Light Championship (Murray & Thomson 2000). Do us proud boys!

~”Where’s Mike? I thought he was signed up to play? Mike’s in Yarmouth this morning you say? He can’t play? What….Sheriff John told him he should check out the Dock Yard for one of his old flames?” ~Anonymous

~The Sheriff became the second KWGA member this season to wear a girdle during a round. After over-stretching his glutes and lower back during a vigorous game of “pillow fight rugby” Friday night, The Sheriff was forced to reach into his Tickle Trunk for some extra support. Alas, it wasn’t enough as he was forced to retire after 9 agonizing holes.

~It’s been a tumultuous few weeks on tour fellas, so Saturday was a nice diversion from the doom and gloom. It was so nice to say hello and meet the Red Bull staff before teeing off Saturday. Yes, the perks of being Commissioner. No wonder I was in such a good mood all day! We have a pretty good thing going I’d say.

The Commissioner was forced to frisk two unknown gallery members Saturday morning. The duo turned out to be Red Bull staff. “Security and safety for our league is of utmost importance. It was a tough job…but somebody had to do it.” ~The Commissioner

~Our final regular season event, the Twin Towers Memorial, will be played over 2 days this week (Thur & Fri.). After hearing from everyone and getting their preferences for days and tee times, I did my best to accomodate everyone. The draw is already up on the Twin Towes tab on the website.

I will leave the $$$ collection jars and scorecards in the Pro Shop for the Thursday group in the pink basket. I may even be there myself. Please leave your scorecards at the Pro Shop following the round and I will pick it up.

See you all Thursday and Friday!!!

~The Commissioner